1. Hello there, I'm Greg Davies,Copy !req
2. welcome to a brand-new
series of Taskmaster.Copy !req
3. We have five fresh comedy goliaths,
primed and readyCopy !req
4. to humiliate themselves in a series
of tricky tasks,Copy !req
5. all in the vague hope of taking home
this, the Taskmaster trophy.Copy !req
6. At the end of the series, only one
of them will take home my shiny,Copy !req
7. golden bonce as the ultimate
winner of Taskmaster.Copy !req
8. So, without further ado, let's meet
our new contenders. They are...Copy !req
9. Al Murray!Copy !req
10. Dave Gorman!Copy !req
11. Paul Chowdhry!Copy !req
12. Rob Beckett!Copy !req
13. And Sara Pascoe!Copy !req
14. And here, my faithful servant and
would-be friend, Alex Horne.Copy !req
15. Tell them all a bit about yourself,
Alex. Really? Yes. OK.Copy !req
16. Hello, my name is Alex.Copy !req
17. I'm 37 years old, I like sport and
I'm quite a kind person.Copy !req
18. For example, here are some raisins.Copy !req
19. If you want some raisins.Copy !req
20. No, I don't, I'm all right, thanks.
If you want some raisins...Copy !req
21. No, no, it's nice that they're
there. They're always there.Copy !req
22. They're always in the pocket.Copy !req
23. It's a new series, and I'm expecting
an incredible Prize Task category.Copy !req
24. Are you?Copy !req
25. You're great. So...Copy !req
26. To kick things off,Copy !req
27. we asked our contestants to bring in
their most flamboyant clock.Copy !req
28. So whoever brings in the most
flamboyant clock will win theCopy !req
29. first points of the show.
Maximum points.Copy !req
30. And whoever wins the episode
will go homeCopy !req
31. with five flamboyant clocks, OK?Copy !req
32. Why have a normal clock when you can
have a flamboyant clock?Copy !req
33. Al Murray,
what's your flamboyant clock,Copy !req
34. and why do you consider it to
be flamboyant?Copy !req
35. My flamboyant clock is my
stove at home.Copy !req
36. You can make out the clock just to
the left of the knob on the right.Copy !req
37. You see that?Copy !req
38. That panel there is the clock.Copy !req
39. It comes with a hot plate,Copy !req
40. five gas hobs,Copy !req
41. two fan ovens.Copy !req
42. And a drawer for keeping stuff in.Copy !req
43. So you see this as a clock with an
oven attached, right? Yes.Copy !req
44. Dave, what've you brought?Copy !req
45. And why's it flamboyant,
and is it a clock? It is a clock.Copy !req
46. At first glance, it might appear to
be just an ordinary digital clock.Copy !req
47. But it's actually my microwave oven.Copy !req
48. You swine!Copy !req
49. I'd argue this is far more
flamboyant than an oven.Copy !req
50. Well, of course you would! Yeah!Copy !req
51. Because it's microwaves,
and they're magic. Oh, yeah...Copy !req
52. But I can cook eight things at once.Copy !req
53. With my clock!Copy !req
54. Paul Chowdhry.Copy !req
55. Mine's a pop clock.Copy !req
56. That you can wear on any item
of clothing.Copy !req
57. I've had this for 30 years,
this clock. Yeah.Copy !req
58. Where's the flamboyance?Copy !req
59. You can wear it with anything
that's flamboyant.Copy !req
60. Yeah, I know, but where's the
flamboyance in the clock itself?Copy !req
61. If I go out wearing Al Murray's
oven, I'm looking flamboyant.Copy !req
62. Where's the flamboyance?Copy !req
63. Well, you can put it on,
if you're wearing...Copy !req
64. Like, a kilt, something... So you...Copy !req
65. You define...Copy !req
66. You define flamboyance...Copy !req
67. ..as being an item that I could
attach to a kilt?Copy !req
68. Yes.Copy !req
69. Rob? I've brought a sundial.Copy !req
70. A tortoise sundial.Copy !req
71. Whoo!Copy !req
72. That's my most flamboyant clock.Copy !req
73. I'm very late in the
winter to things.Copy !req
74. Is that because you're still relying
on sundial technology? Yes.Copy !req
75. In the summer though...
I'm always there.Copy !req
76. Pretty flamboyant, innit?Copy !req
77. I don't know. It's the sort of thing
my mum would consider wacky.Copy !req
78. I think your mum's probably quite
a nice lady.Copy !req
79. Oh, she's a lovely woman.
She not flamboyant?Copy !req
80. Yeah, I guess she is a little bit,
maybe you're right.Copy !req
81. "OK", he's gone!Copy !req
82. Sara, what have you... I really
like your flamboyant tortoise.Copy !req
83. Well, I've played this properly and
actually brought a flamboyant clock.Copy !req
84. At last. OK, so here it is.Copy !req
85. Oh, God!Copy !req
86. It's a clock and it's flamboyant!Copy !req
87. And...Copy !req
88. It's genuinely a timepiece.Copy !req
89. My boyfriend is
a huge Freddie Mercury fan,Copy !req
90. and he doesn't know that
I've brought it.Copy !req
91. Are you trying to get rid of it?Copy !req
92. I'm trying really hard to
win this episode!Copy !req
93. Does it belong to your boyfriend?Copy !req
94. It was a gift from me,
so technically I own it.Copy !req
95. I don't think that's how gifts
work. It does, in my family.Copy !req
96. Because if you've fallen out with
the person, you can go,Copy !req
97. "Well, I'm having that back."Copy !req
98. Listen, the horrible truth is,Copy !req
99. I'm going to make really
brutal decisions.Copy !req
100. Do you want to start in fifth place?Copy !req
101. It is the Braveheart Pop Swatch.Copy !req
102. In fifth.Copy !req
103. In fourth place...Copy !req
104. Oh, no. What's wrong?Copy !req
105. I can't truly explain it,
but I'm putting the tortoise.Copy !req
106. Aw!Copy !req
107. It's not an actual tortoise!Copy !req
108. In third place,
I'm putting the microwave.Copy !req
109. In second place...
This is the big one...Copy !req
110. You're not going to believe
I've done this.Copy !req
111. I'm putting the stove.
I don't believe you.Copy !req
112. I'm putting the stove,
and I'll tell you why -Copy !req
113. that's a clock.Copy !req
114. OK. Time for the first full-blown
task of the series. Alex? Yes.Copy !req
115. What've we got?
We've got some track and field.Copy !req
116. DINGCopy !req
117. Hi.Copy !req
118. Hello, mate!Copy !req
119. Paul.Copy !req
120. Get to the microwave in as few
steps as possible.Copy !req
121. And open the door before the
microwave dings.Copy !req
122. There's five minutes on the clock.Copy !req
123. The microwave is under that tree.Copy !req
124. Where've you plugged it in then?Copy !req
125. There's generator behind the tree.Copy !req
126. Didn't know those trees
had generators.Copy !req
127. As a few steps as possible?Copy !req
128. As few STEPS as possible?Copy !req
129. As few steps as possible.Copy !req
130. The microwave...Copy !req
131. .. starts now.Copy !req
132. Yeah, a simple task, I wanted you to
get to my microwaveCopy !req
133. before the soup cooks,
in as few steps as possible.Copy !req
134. I mean, I don't know why it caused
any confusion whatsoever.Copy !req
135. It's a pretty straightforward task.Copy !req
136. We've mixed it up a little bit
though, added a few hurdles,Copy !req
137. literally, and another hurdle in
that I did ask AlexCopy !req
138. if he could make sure there was
a lot of goose shit on the track.Copy !req
139. Who are we going to see first?
I think... Shall we see Rob?Copy !req
140. Great place to start,
let's have a look.Copy !req
141. Can I just give you my coat, yeah?
Put it on if you want, mate.Copy !req
142. Nice in the sun, innit?Copy !req
143. Right, I'm going to roll there.Copy !req
144. Ooh, it's quite a far way, innit?Copy !req
145. I feel dizzy.Copy !req
146. It gets you really dizzy quick,
that.Copy !req
147. This is the future, mate.Copy !req
148. I'm going to be covered in
goose shit, ain't I?Copy !req
149. Ugh...Copy !req
150. I think I might be sick.Copy !req
151. Ugh, I've just had a
coffee as well!Copy !req
152. Feel like me head's going
to explode.Copy !req
153. RETCHESCopy !req
154. FURTHER RETCHINGCopy !req
155. What other ways can I get there
without stepping?Copy !req
156. Just have to roll there, won't I?Copy !req
157. All right? Ooh...Copy !req
158. RETCHES
I'm sorry!Copy !req
159. Arguably a more efficient way of
transporting yourself about.Copy !req
160. More fun, but don't have a big
coffee beforehand.Copy !req
161. I thought I was going to be
sick out me eyes.Copy !req
162. You must have a very
weak constitution,Copy !req
163. I don't know why drinking a massive
coffee and thenCopy !req
164. rolling around in goose shit would
make you feel sick.Copy !req
165. Any steps involved?Copy !req
166. There were just a couple of little
ones, just before the manoeuvre.Copy !req
167. I sense the step over the fence.
Just before that.Copy !req
168. Because we all saw the forward-reach
over-we-go tumble with pike,Copy !req
169. which is a 6.2 difficulty level.Copy !req
170. There were four little steps just
before the flip, and that was it.Copy !req
171. The rest was rolls.Copy !req
172. And his time was...?Copy !req
173. Irrelevant.Copy !req
174. Four steps. Who's next?Copy !req
175. We're going
to have a look at Paul and Dave.Copy !req
176. Is that a step?Copy !req
177. Ooof!Copy !req
178. OK.Copy !req
179. Thank you, Dave.Copy !req
180. Incredibly quick.Copy !req
181. Yeah.Copy !req
182. Thank you, Paul.Copy !req
183. Your soup.Copy !req
184. It's ready, sir. Lovely.Copy !req
185. That's piping hot.Copy !req
186. Good techniques there, Paul.
Thank you.Copy !req
187. It's very early for me to be
trotting out Chinese proverbs,Copy !req
188. but that does make me think of the
classic, when is a step not a step?Copy !req
189. When it's on a fucking hurdle.Copy !req
190. "Is that a step? Is that a step?"
I thought that was a step.Copy !req
191. He's already got a catchphrase!Copy !req
192. It is slightly relevant,
he took well over seven minutes.Copy !req
193. Aw!Copy !req
194. And the total of steps
I counted was 125.Copy !req
195. A lot more than if you've just
walked casually.Copy !req
196. If I...Copy !req
197. It's all right, mate.Copy !req
198. If I was able to give artistic
style points, mate,Copy !req
199. you'd be romping ahead in this,
I tell you.Copy !req
200. It was awesome.
I was intrigued by yours, Dave,Copy !req
201. because I've seen some of
your shows,Copy !req
202. and they're incredibly meticulously
thought-out and clever.Copy !req
203. And...Copy !req
204. I think I thought the task was,
in steps,Copy !req
205. but as few of them as possible.Copy !req
206. Oh, I see, so you thought you
had to be stepping. Yeah.Copy !req
207. Apart from when I did the
forward roll,Copy !req
208. I'd sort of worked it out by then.Copy !req
209. That was really good.Copy !req
210. How many steps? 50 steps.Copy !req
211. Or, if we use Paul Chowdhry's
definition...?Copy !req
212. Still 50 steps.Copy !req
213. Al and Sara's attempts still to
come, after the break, see you then.Copy !req
214. Welcome back to Taskmaster,Copy !req
215. where exclusive membership to
Al Murray's ovenCopy !req
216. is being hotly contested for.Copy !req
217. Alex, where were we?Copy !req
218. We were on the athletics track,
watching our comedians tryingCopy !req
219. to reach a microwave in the
smallest number of steps.Copy !req
220. So far, Rob Beckett is in the lead,Copy !req
221. Paul Chowdhry has been disqualified,Copy !req
222. up next, Al Murray
and Sara Pascoe together.Copy !req
223. The floor is so gross!Copy !req
224. None of it's steps, is it?Copy !req
225. Ugh, so much shit!Copy !req
226. This is a metaphor for
show business.Copy !req
227. Are they steps? No.Copy !req
228. It's so pooey, Alex.Copy !req
229. I mean, really.Copy !req
230. Just click the door open,
you've got plenty of time.Copy !req
231. There you go.Copy !req
232. There's the soup.Copy !req
233. What, have I got to eat the soup?Copy !req
234. There we go, thank you.Copy !req
235. What flavour soup is it? Pea. Oh.Copy !req
236. Smashed it. Thanks, Al.Copy !req
237. My initial impulse on watching
Sara's technique isCopy !req
238. it was just fancy stepping.Copy !req
239. In leather trousers. Admittedly,
stylistically incredible.Copy !req
240. Can we ask the expert?Copy !req
241. Paul, was it a step?Copy !req
242. There were some steps.Copy !req
243. I counted it as 27 steps. OK.Copy !req
244. Talk to me about Al.Copy !req
245. I counted eight little steps.
For the whole run?Copy !req
246. I'm pretty pleased with that.
But he was walking on his knees.Copy !req
247. Every definition of step I found
involved the foot.Copy !req
248. Nothing mentioned the knee, so...
OK. That's out of order, mate.Copy !req
249. So, these are the results.Copy !req
250. Essentially, Paul, you're
disqualified, I'm so sorry,Copy !req
251. because you didn't do it within the
time, nothing to do withCopy !req
252. your incredible understanding
of stepping.Copy !req
253. In fourth place, it's Dave
"Big Stepper" Gorman.Copy !req
254. In third place it's
Sara "Fussy Steps" Pascoe.Copy !req
255. In second place, it's Al "Mainly
Kneeling Some Step" Murray.Copy !req
256. And in first place,
with an incredible...Copy !req
257. .. shitty, sicky performance...Copy !req
258. Thank you. ..it's Rob The Roller.Copy !req
259. Alex, I think it's time for the
first scoreboard update, please.Copy !req
260. OK, well, it's very close, it's,
uh...Copy !req
261. There's a tie! There's a tie for the
lead.Copy !req
262. Al and Sara both have eight points.Copy !req
263. Great. On with the next task.
Of course. Here we go.Copy !req
264. Hi. Hi, Al.Copy !req
265. What's this? It's for you.Copy !req
266. It's for me? It's a frozen pea?Copy !req
267. Am I supposed to eat this? No, no.Copy !req
268. Off you go. Open that first, yeah?Copy !req
269. Propel this pea
the furthest distance.Copy !req
270. Your pea must land and remainCopy !req
271. on the red carpet.Copy !req
272. I'll just throw it in this. Will the
pea definitely land on the...Copy !req
273. Oh, so the pea's gotta... It's up to
you, whatever you think the task...Copy !req
274. "The pea must land on the..."
Well, it's gonna land on it.Copy !req
275. Is that... That's on the carpet.Copy !req
276. That'll be on the carpet. Will it?
There's a pea in there.Copy !req
277. Isn't it?Copy !req
278. It doesn't say the pea must land on
the carpet, the pea will beCopy !req
279. on the carpet, it doesn't say it
must make contact with the carpet.Copy !req
280. You do what you think's right, Rob.Copy !req
281. Well, if Davies' got a problem with
it I'll knock him out.Copy !req
282. Well, I mean...Copy !req
283. There's a few
things to address there.Copy !req
284. I mean, you're a younger man than
me, and you're probably fitter,Copy !req
285. but if I get one
haymaker on you, mate...Copy !req
286. ..it'll arguably kill you. And the
second thing is,Copy !req
287. don't disrespect me or
I'll make you come last.Copy !req
288. OK.Copy !req
289. It's worth us talking about the fact
that what they shouldn't do isCopy !req
290. just fling the pea, because there's
the carpetCopy !req
291. and then there's the grass.
No-one's gonna get that taskCopy !req
292. and see a tiny pea and a red carpet
in a windy garden and think,Copy !req
293. "I'm just gonna bung this."Copy !req
294. No, we've picked... These are
intelligent people.Copy !req
295. Very bright. Very bright.Copy !req
296. Yeah, so we'll start with Sara, Paul
and Dave, if you like.Copy !req
297. Let's see how far this gets, then.Copy !req
298. This ain't gonna work, is
it? I've lost a pea.Copy !req
299. You gave me a green pea!Copy !req
300. Now I've gotta find the pea.Copy !req
301. Any clues?Copy !req
302. I think it's on the... on the grass.
I can't see it on the carpet.Copy !req
303. Yeah, we could spend a lot of time
looking for a pea.Copy !req
304. How do we know where it is? Who can
see that far?Copy !req
305. It's on the carpet!Copy !req
306. Is it on the... It's on the carpet?
Yeah!Copy !req
307. OK, I've got a measuring tape.Copy !req
308. OK, centimetres... Is this
centimetres? Yes.Copy !req
309. Have you got a spare pea?Copy !req
310. It had to be that pea, I'm afraid.
It's got to be that exact pea?Copy !req
311. It's like finding a pea in
a... haystack.Copy !req
312. Shit!Copy !req
313. I'm just going to go and have a sit
down. Can I get you anything? A pea?Copy !req
314. Not to use.Copy !req
315. I quite like a pea.
To compare it to.Copy !req
316. As a comparison, yeah, that would
be nice.Copy !req
317. And, also, I just like a snack, a
frozen...Copy !req
318. I will get you a pea,
but I will mark the pea.Copy !req
319. If you wouldn't mind. OK.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
320. Oh, that was further.Copy !req
321. That's further, I think, Alex!Copy !req
322. It's a new personal best! Woo!
18 metres and 27.Copy !req
323. Hey, I'm glad you went again now.Copy !req
324. I've brought you a pea but I don't
think you should eat it.Copy !req
325. I've injected it with black ink.Copy !req
326. I do trust you, but I don't...Copy !req
327. .. entirely trust you. Oh, no, that's
fine. I'm going to eat this one.Copy !req
328. Have you eaten it? Yeah.Copy !req
329. Swallowed.Copy !req
330. Oh, my God.Copy !req
331. It's wedged in the
strings of the racket.Copy !req
332. It was there all along.Copy !req
333. Well, unlucky, I suppose, Paul.Copy !req
334. No score. No score on that one.Copy !req
335. No score.Copy !req
336. Would you like us to measure that?
Yeah.Copy !req
337. No, that's not as far. I was closer
to that leaf before. Are you sure?Copy !req
338. Do you want me to measure it
anyway?Copy !req
339. Yeah, measure it anyway, because
it's on there.Copy !req
340. Congratulations on 12 metres 11.
Thank you very much. I'm very...Copy !req
341. Pleased with that.
.. pleased with that.Copy !req
342. I can't imagine
someone beating 12 metres.Copy !req
343. 17 metres 14.Copy !req
344. We thought so, didn't we? Yeah.Copy !req
345. Respectable. Anyone else want a go
of throwing a pea? It's pretty fun.Copy !req
346. Poor little Paul.Copy !req
347. I mean, I was mocking of the idea
that somebody wouldCopy !req
348. just grab the pea and bung
it up the carpet.Copy !req
349. But she hit the carpet every time,
right?Copy !req
350. Yeah, she only did it three
times and they went in.Copy !req
351. 18 metres and 27 centimetres.Copy !req
352. It's not a sentence I thought I'd
ever say, but, you know,Copy !req
353. great pea-throwing.Copy !req
354. Thank you! Thank you so much.Copy !req
355. Paul,Copy !req
356. you're having a mare at the moment.Copy !req
357. You said propel the pea, so I got a
cricket bat to propel it.Copy !req
358. She's just chucked the pea.Copy !req
359. There's so many words I'm going to
have to teach you.Copy !req
360. Dave. Yes. OK. Let's cut to the
chase here.Copy !req
361. I'm going to ask you a question.
Yeah. A very simple question. Yeah.Copy !req
362. And I want you to answer honestly.Copy !req
363. Now, you're not in trouble...Copy !req
364. .. but I'm asking you directly now.
Yeah.Copy !req
365. Did you cheat? No.Copy !req
366. I'm going to ask you one more time.Copy !req
367. Did you cheat?Copy !req
368. No, Greg, I did not.Copy !req
369. OK. We can see the racket there, so
that's where it got, it got wedged.Copy !req
370. It looks firmly wedged, doesn't it,
Dave? It was wedged.Copy !req
371. Yeah. We can also see the racket
just after you struck the pea.Copy !req
372. Um...Copy !req
373. Pea's gone. Or has it?Copy !req
374. Oooooh!Copy !req
375. Go on.Copy !req
376. I know what's happened here, I know
what's happened here.Copy !req
377. At some point, while I'm trying to
search for the pea,Copy !req
378. I was using the racket to sweep
through the...Copy !req
379. Oh... Oh, turn it in, mate!Copy !req
380. I believe him. I believe Dave.Copy !req
381. We'll make a judgment on this after
the break. See you then.Copy !req
382. Welcome back to Taskmaster,Copy !req
383. where five of the UK's best-loved
but least flamboyant comediansCopy !req
384. are playing for each
other's most flamboyant clocks.Copy !req
385. Who's next, Alex? Do you want to
have a look at Rob, Rob Beckett?Copy !req
386. Yeah, Rob Beckett! Yeah!Copy !req
387. OK, here is Rob.Copy !req
388. Propel!Copy !req
389. Can I put it in the wheelbarrow
and then tip it on the thing?Copy !req
390. If I go round and round, that's
propelling it with force or drive...Copy !req
391. Uh-huh. .. and then when I finish,
fucking bang it on there.Copy !req
392. 30 metres. I've not stopped. I know.
You're slowing me down!Copy !req
393. Propelling it forward with drive and
motion. Looks like propelling.Copy !req
394. Well, if you'd hurry up,
I'd be propelling a bit more.Copy !req
395. One lap is 81.30 metres.
81 metres?Copy !req
396. Right, I'm going to do 1,000 and
then I'll put it on a carpet.Copy !req
397. That number four? This is the fourth
one, isn't it? Eh...Copy !req
398. You've done three I think.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
399. Nice having a good propel, innit?
You're over 300 metres now.Copy !req
400. That's probably enough I reckon.Copy !req
401. I'll do one more just to stay
on the safe side.Copy !req
402. OK, so what I'm going to do is...Copy !req
403. .. come round here...Copy !req
404. Oh!Copy !req
405. So 406, plus another 8 metres.Copy !req
406. 414. 414? 414 metres.Copy !req
407. How long have
I got left on the time?Copy !req
408. "Propel... definition." It's a verb.Copy !req
409. "Drive or push something forwards."Copy !req
410. Mate, I've just drove a wheelbarrow
forwards... 414 metres.Copy !req
411. ..414 metres. And 53cm.Copy !req
412. It's landed on the red carpet and
it's remained there. Yeah.Copy !req
413. Thank you, Rob.Copy !req
414. I mean, incredible.Copy !req
415. It was almost like you were
justifying itCopy !req
416. in anticipation of an argument.Copy !req
417. It's not normal I use words
to my advantage.Copy !req
418. We've got Al Murray next.
OK.Copy !req
419. There. It's landed on...
Landed on the carpet.Copy !req
420. HE STRAINSCopy !req
421. Let's see how far we can get
the pea to go. OK.Copy !req
422. I've got to go as far as I can and
back in the next 20 minutes.Copy !req
423. If we can just go up the M4 as far
as we can. 1.6 miles now.Copy !req
424. This is fantastic. Yeah,
making a lot of progress. 16 miles.Copy !req
425. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
426. There we go, just shy of 18 miles.
18 miles!Copy !req
427. Brilliant.
Just on the right. Thanks, Bob.Copy !req
428. Shall we check for peas? Probably...Copy !req
429. Oh, oh...Copy !req
430. Oh! Yes!Copy !req
431. It remained on the carpet, Al.Copy !req
432. WHOOPINGCopy !req
433. It was propelled, right?
Did he propel it?Copy !req
434. Al paid for the cab, he paid £150.Copy !req
435. No, he didn't!Copy !req
436. Amazing watching someone pay £150 to
take a pea to Slough.Copy !req
437. I can't wait for that taxi driver to
be in the pub going,Copy !req
438. "Seriously, the Pub Landlord
hailed me...Copy !req
439. ".. and made me drive into Slough
with a pea."Copy !req
440. Weirdly, I know his niece.Copy !req
441. Lovely little detail.
She's a GP in Croydon.Copy !req
442. I DO like Croydon.Copy !req
443. How far did Al propel his pea?
18 miles.Copy !req
444. Wow. 18 miles.Copy !req
445. Now, here's the news - Dave
has been disqualified for cheating,Copy !req
446. ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
447. What? I did not cheat!
Ohh...Copy !req
448. Sorry, that's what's happened, mate.Copy !req
449. That's very bad news, although...Copy !req
450. ..I do admire you having a go.Copy !req
451. What's great news is, even though
you lost it, you did propel the pea.Copy !req
452. You get points!Copy !req
453. He's in fourth place and he's
got two points!Copy !req
454. In third place was arguably the only
person who enteredCopy !req
455. into the proper spirit of the pea
throwing - Sara Pascoe.Copy !req
456. Gets three points.Copy !req
457. In second place was Rob with his
awesome barrow work.Copy !req
458. Four points. And in first place,
Al Murray, five points.Copy !req
459. Alex, how does that affect
the scoreboard?Copy !req
460. Well, we have an
outright leader now,Copy !req
461. and that is obviously Mr Al Murray.Copy !req
462. OK, one more task, please.Copy !req
463. OK, I'm really trying my best
to please you,Copy !req
464. and this one is a Christmassy task.Copy !req
465. "Make the best snowman."Copy !req
466. "You have one hour.Copy !req
467. "Your time starts now."Copy !req
468. Well, that's pretty tricky,
isn't it?Copy !req
469. It's not snowing.Copy !req
470. I suppose I should
check out the windowCopy !req
471. to see if it's started snowing.Copy !req
472. What's the weather like, Rob? Balmy!Copy !req
473. Well, it's not going to snow in
an hour, is it?Copy !req
474. No. "11 o'clock - sunny."
It's 10 o'clock now.Copy !req
475. No snow today.Copy !req
476. Tomorrow - no snow.
There's no snow this week.Copy !req
477. You didn't think it was
going to snow,Copy !req
478. you were just messing around,
weren't you? No, I thought...Copy !req
479. Cos it snowed in April this year,
when Prince diedCopy !req
480. and he wrote that song
"It Snowed in April",Copy !req
481. then he died a week later, so...Copy !req
482. Yeah, you shouldn't use that
to forecast weather.Copy !req
483. There's never,
ever been purple rain.Copy !req
484. Who's first? I thought
we'd start off withCopy !req
485. a little enthusiastic
Rob Beckett again. Oh, little Rob!Copy !req
486. Little, eager Rob.
Look at little Rob!Copy !req
487. Right, basically,
snow's out the window.Copy !req
488. I was going to get loads of
marshmallows and do that,Copy !req
489. but then it's just
a marshmallow man, isn't it?Copy !req
490. Will marshmallows stick together?Copy !req
491. As in sort of...Copy !req
492. Oh! I've got all the marshmallows.
You've got a lot, haven't you?Copy !req
493. HE STRAINSCopy !req
494. That's a bit of one.Copy !req
495. You have to really squeeze.Copy !req
496. 90 seconds, Rob. No worries, mate.Copy !req
497. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
498. Thank you, Rob. I'll take that.Copy !req
499. You pleased with that?
If you're after a snowman... no.Copy !req
500. But I thought,
"If you can't make it,Copy !req
501. "make something that looks like it."Copy !req
502. I think it was
a lovely marshmallow man though.Copy !req
503. Yeah, you can't make snow,
so I thought,Copy !req
504. "I'll just make one that looks
like a snowman."Copy !req
505. If a child had made a Christmas card
at school and it was made outCopy !req
506. of cotton wool making a snowman,
you wouldn't go,Copy !req
507. "That's not a snowman", you would
say, "That's a lovely snowman."Copy !req
508. Oh, no, no, I would kick it out
their hands and say,Copy !req
509. "That's not a snowman."Copy !req
510. Who's next? I've grouped
Al and Sara together again. Ohh!Copy !req
511. Do you want to see them?
Yeah. OK.Copy !req
512. So we...Copy !req
513. I could make a mould of some kind,
fill it with water,Copy !req
514. put it in the freezer...Copy !req
515. I need, like, four litres of vanilla
ice cream and a bag of raisins.Copy !req
516. And some wool. OK.
To make the scarf. Yeah.Copy !req
517. A couple of colours, please.Copy !req
518. You've got to diversify these days,
haven't you?Copy !req
519. I can't remember ever not
being able to plait.Copy !req
520. Look, it's a snowman.Copy !req
521. I'm going to call him Scoopy.Copy !req
522. Now, some of this is going
to be the base.Copy !req
523. Jam it into the tray. Yes!
And that's your snowman shape.Copy !req
524. There it is. OK, carrot's too big.Copy !req
525. There we go.Copy !req
526. Oh! Actually, I've got an idea.
There is some ice in here.Copy !req
527. I'm going to add some ice to it,Copy !req
528. which will speed up its
freezing process.Copy !req
529. This will help it along.Copy !req
530. There we go. OK, 40 minutes left,
Al, so we're going to...Copy !req
531. Great, 35 minutes...
We'll check it. We'll check it.Copy !req
532. Should have frozen solid by then,
we'll take it out, job done.Copy !req
533. This is the coal buttons.Copy !req
534. So... There he is. "I don't want to
come out of the box!"Copy !req
535. He's lovely, isn't he? Scoopy.Copy !req
536. I'm happy.Copy !req
537. Isn't he nice?
Aww.Copy !req
538. I said in the studio while we were
watching thoseCopy !req
539. that watching Al make it is likeCopy !req
540. watching a man in
the middle of a breakdown.Copy !req
541. And then I expected to be...Copy !req
542. ..to be corrected when
I saw the snowmanCopy !req
543. be a thing of great beauty.Copy !req
544. What I saw was a monstrous,
awful freak.Copy !req
545. What I see there,Copy !req
546. I see a creature in pain.Copy !req
547. I see a Chernobyl snowman saying,
"Kill me, someone kill me."Copy !req
548. I have no doubt that would
make my nieces cry.Copy !req
549. Is their uncle a cab driver?Copy !req
550. Oh, wow. I do love it,
Al, it's incredible.Copy !req
551. Sara, what do you think
of Sara's snowman?Copy !req
552. It's not snow!Copy !req
553. It's frozen...
It's not snow! Yours isn't snow!Copy !req
554. Yours is ice from a freezer.
Mine's closer to snow.Copy !req
555. Ice cream is as close as ice is.
What, is there milk in clouds?Copy !req
556. If it has evaporated,
enough of it, then yeah.Copy !req
557. Well, arguably, the cows might spill
a bit of milk sometimes.Copy !req
558. Yeah, arguably. Arguably.Copy !req
559. Do you want to see Scoopy again?Copy !req
560. Yes, I want to see Scoopy again,
he's lovely.Copy !req
561. I think about him every day.
Aww.Copy !req
562. Ohh!Copy !req
563. Agh!Copy !req
564. And you know what?Copy !req
565. At the end of that VT, Scoopy was
still happier than Al's snowman.Copy !req
566. Do you want, eh, a raisin?
No, I'm fine.Copy !req
567. You're an inspiration, it was
a really lovely ice cream man.Copy !req
568. Who's left?Copy !req
569. It's Dave and Paul, I think we'll
see Dave first. Oh, dear.Copy !req
570. Can I get a very large bucket...Copy !req
571. .. and 200 packets of powdered
potato? OK.Copy !req
572. So, yeah, as soon as you can,
please. Right, yeah, I'll hurry.Copy !req
573. HE STRAINSCopy !req
574. That's very good. Is that enough?
No, that's good.Copy !req
575. The kettle is on, so if you could
start getting some boiling water.Copy !req
576. Yeah, that's lovely, thank you.
I've got another one. Yeah, please.Copy !req
577. I'll be honest - it's not as white
as I was hoping, it's quite yellow.Copy !req
578. It's very yellow. Smells nice, Dave,
your snowman.Copy !req
579. Do you think?
School dinners.Copy !req
580. Let's try see what this looks like.Copy !req
581. I'm actually quite happy with that.Copy !req
582. It's coming on, isn't it?Copy !req
583. Is there a hose anywhere?
Yes, there is a hose.Copy !req
584. Is that connected?Copy !req
585. Have you got the carrot?Copy !req
586. Would you like me to get you the
carrot? I'd like the carrot, please.Copy !req
587. Ahh.Copy !req
588. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
589. I'm quite happy with that.Copy !req
590. I mean, earlier in today's show,
I was a little concernedCopy !req
591. about your literal interpretations
of some of the tasks.Copy !req
592. Steps. The big step thing. Yeah.Copy !req
593. You're back in the game, because
someone says, "Make a snowman,"Copy !req
594. and you ask for mash.Copy !req
595. Really nice. Thank you.Copy !req
596. OK, after the break,Copy !req
597. not only will we see something
that I'm looking forward to...Copy !req
598. .. more than I can tell you -Copy !req
599. seeing Paul Chowdhry's attempt
at a snowman -Copy !req
600. but all five will take to the stageCopy !req
601. for the first live task
of the series. See you then.Copy !req
602. Hello and welcome back
to the final part of the show.Copy !req
603. It won't be long before we find out
who has to haul homeCopy !req
604. Rob's giant tortoise sundial
and Dave's chunky microwave.Copy !req
605. But, first, weren't we about to
watch Paul do something?Copy !req
606. Yes, we were.
They've all been building snowmenCopy !req
607. out of marshmallows, potatoes
and ice cream,Copy !req
608. but we're yet to see
Paul Chowdhry's attempt,Copy !req
609. and he didn't use
any of those items.Copy !req
610. Would you like to see what he used?
I mean...Copy !req
611. .. genuinely more than anything. OK.Copy !req
612. I guess, um, can you buy me...Copy !req
613. ..a Slush Puppie?Copy !req
614. What flavour?Copy !req
615. Snow flavour.Copy !req
616. Hi, Paul.Copy !req
617. Ah! Got you a bag of ice,
two Slush Puppies and a white teddy.Copy !req
618. Excellent.Copy !req
619. OK, good luck. Finally.Copy !req
620. That's a snowman-bear, innit?Copy !req
621. THEY GIGGLECopy !req
622. How's that?Copy !req
623. You see, the expression
and the tearsCopy !req
624. reflects what I'm going through
on the inside.Copy !req
625. Bastard's crying, innit?Copy !req
626. Right at the end, just...Copy !req
627. ..as the final image of
a snowman was in place, he said,Copy !req
628. "The bastard's crying, innit?"Copy !req
629. Let's have a look at the bastard.Copy !req
630. Oh, it's dark, mate, innit?
It's dark.Copy !req
631. I'm starting to think
we shouldn't be laughing at Paul.Copy !req
632. I've got so many questions
I want to ask you, Paul.Copy !req
633. My first question is...Copy !req
634. ..is everything all right?Copy !req
635. Snowbear, innit?Copy !req
636. It's not a bear! It's a rabbit.
It's a rabbit.Copy !req
637. It's a rabbit
with some ice on it!Copy !req
638. That's not a bear, it's a rabbit.Copy !req
639. It was... It was powerful, wasn't
it? In the room, we were moved.Copy !req
640. I mean, it's incredible, look at it!Copy !req
641. I like it, he used ice. Yeah.Copy !req
642. I was about to say, and it's
something I've written down, Al -Copy !req
643. thanks for backing Paul up -Copy !req
644. he has used something cold
in his snowman,Copy !req
645. which is one of the traditional
elements of a snowman,Copy !req
646. it's built of a cold substance.Copy !req
647. There you go.
So, in that regard...Copy !req
648. .. well done.Copy !req
649. And I'll go further.Copy !req
650. If this was about artistryCopy !req
651. and about creating something that
really moves people...Copy !req
652. ..you'd have won this task.Copy !req
653. However...Copy !req
654. .. we agreed some criteria.Copy !req
655. And they were, you know,Copy !req
656. it should be recognisable
as a snowman.Copy !req
657. Traditionally, the snowman's
outdoors, like Dave's, for example.Copy !req
658. Recognisable elements we agreed.Copy !req
659. Traditional elements.
Like the scarf.Copy !req
660. The carrot nose, which we provided.
The eyes.Copy !req
661. And then scale.Copy !req
662. We thought, you know,
when people are making a snowman,Copy !req
663. they normally go for big.
"Oh, that's a big one!"Copy !req
664. Bigger. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
665. Who's in last place, Greg?Copy !req
666. In fifth place, it's Paul Chowdhry.Copy !req
667. Not artistically, mate - number one.Copy !req
668. In fourth place, it's Rob, cos
it was made out of marshmallows.Copy !req
669. Number three, Al... Oh, God!
I can't lose to that! In the drawer!Copy !req
670. It don't look anything like
a snowman! Al's is monstrous.Copy !req
671. Second place,
we're putting the ice cream, Sara.Copy !req
672. And even though it wasn't
made out of cold stuff,Copy !req
673. we think that Dave made
the best snowman.Copy !req
674. There it is, it's done.Copy !req
675. How's that affected the scoreboard?Copy !req
676. Well, it's tight.
It's tight at the top.Copy !req
677. There's one point
separating the top two people.Copy !req
678. There's three points
separating the top three.Copy !req
679. And Paul's still in it,
so let's have a look. Al...Copy !req
680. Al's in first place with 16 points.
There we go.Copy !req
681. It's near the end of the show but,
before we can find out our winner,Copy !req
682. there's one more thing to do.Copy !req
683. So, for the first time this series,Copy !req
684. will you all please head
to the stage for the final task?Copy !req
685. Looks like
all five of our contestantsCopy !req
686. have got some
lovely new friends there.Copy !req
687. Rob, would you read out
the task, please?Copy !req
688. Hi, Rob. Hi, mate. You all right?
You OK? Yeah, yeah, great.Copy !req
689. I'm just going to crack on
with this, though.Copy !req
690. "Balance your swedes on your Swede.Copy !req
691. "Your Swede must remain
standing at all times.Copy !req
692. "Your swedes may only balance
on the exterior of your Swede.Copy !req
693. "Most swedes resting on a Swede
after 100 seconds wins."Copy !req
694. A lot of "Swede" in that,
in't there?Copy !req
695. So, in summary, as many swedes
on a Swede in the time allowed.Copy !req
696. And the Swede has to be standing up?Copy !req
697. The Swede must remain standing
at all times.Copy !req
698. You can manipulate your Swede
in any other way.Copy !req
699. And when Alex says
you can manipulate themCopy !req
700. in any way you want...Copy !req
701. Emotionally, leave them alone.Copy !req
702. Good luck, everyone.Copy !req
703. HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLE
Get sweding!Copy !req
704. I'll take the swedes off.
Go on, Paul!Copy !req
705. On the head. Early on the head.Copy !req
706. Oh, my word.Copy !req
707. You're going back, are you?Copy !req
708. One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine...Copy !req
709. 12! 12.Copy !req
710. How's it going, Rob? Not very well.
Keeps falling off, that one?Copy !req
711. Also, having a lady is a bit of
a disadvantage on the old space...Copy !req
712. 20 seconds!Copy !req
713. Oh, there's a lot there.
There's a lot there.Copy !req
714. Yep.Copy !req
715. It's respectable, it's respectable.
15 seconds left!Copy !req
716. 15 seconds!Copy !req
717. Ten seconds!
After which you must step away.Copy !req
718. Five seconds!Copy !req
719. Four!Copy !req
720. Three!Copy !req
721. Two! One!Copy !req
722. HE BLOWS HIS WHISTLECopy !req
723. Step away, step away.Copy !req
724. Paul! Step away, step away.Copy !req
725. You can step there. Just there.Copy !req
726. Ladies and gentlemen,
with thanks to our regular, Fred,Copy !req
727. and to the London Swedes.Copy !req
728. All of you come down, we'll see
how that affected the scores.Copy !req
729. Well done, Fred.Copy !req
730. Alex, how were they
at swede-on-Swede balancing?Copy !req
731. Great question, great Swedes.
Lovely Swedes.Copy !req
732. Well, Sara and Rob
found it awkward,Copy !req
733. they both achieved eight swedes.Copy !req
734. Whoa. The same? Oh, that's good.Copy !req
735. It's a reasonable amount of swedes
to get on a Swede.Copy !req
736. It's an even number.
Then we've got Dave, 11 swedes.Copy !req
737. Ooh! Uh-oh.Copy !req
738. Paul Chowdhry, 14 swedes!
14 swedes!Copy !req
739. But then Mr Al Murray
on 15 swedes!Copy !req
740. 15 swedes!Copy !req
741. Thank you.Copy !req
742. That must have affected
our final scores.Copy !req
743. Don't get your hopes up, Paul.Copy !req
744. Yes, the scores are in,
and our winner is...Copy !req
745. ..Mr Al Murray!Copy !req
746. So Al Murray is the first winner
of the series,Copy !req
747. and the owner
of five flamboyant clocks.Copy !req
748. Please, Al, head to the stage
to collect your prizes!Copy !req
749. So there we are,
another exciting series under way.Copy !req
750. Thanks for your help, Alex.
Thanks for letting me help, Greg.Copy !req
751. It's like Ant and Dec, isn't it?Copy !req
752. What have we learned today?
Well, what we've learned todayCopy !req
753. is if you want
to scare your children,Copy !req
754. just get Al Murray or Paul Chowdhry
to make them a snowman.Copy !req
755. But, most importantly, despite that,
we found out that our winnerCopy !req
756. of Episode One of Series Three
of Taskmaster is Mr Al Murray!Copy !req
757. Thank you, everybody. Goodnight!Copy !req