1. Hello, I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster and I am the Taskmaster.Copy !req
2. A while ago I decided to ask
some well-known comedians to doCopy !req
3. some extraordinary things for me.
Because I am who I am,Copy !req
4. they all agreed to
take part instantly.Copy !req
5. And that's why
we're all here now.Copy !req
6. They have no idea how each other
did but they will soon find out.Copy !req
7. I will be judging both what
they did and how they did it.Copy !req
8. My word is final, but at times
they will probably get really angry.Copy !req
9. Let's meet them now.Copy !req
10. He's a national treasure, by which
I mean he's older than the others.Copy !req
11. It's Frank Skinner!Copy !req
12. He sounds a lot like Zippy from
Rainbow, it's Josh Widdicombe!Copy !req
13. I genuinely once returned to my flatCopy !req
14. to find her in my
bed eating biscuitsCopy !req
15. and watching a documentary
on Colditz...Copy !req
16. ..it's Roisin Conaty!Copy !req
17. He is the least experienced,
but the most constantly angryCopy !req
18. of the contestants,
it's Romesh Ranganathan!Copy !req
19. Sort of a poet, sort of a comedian,
sort of a hair style, Tim Key!Copy !req
20. As always, I am both aidedCopy !req
21. and praised by my personal
assistant, Alex Horne, so, Alex...Copy !req
22. Hello. ..you all right? Yes, yes.Copy !req
23. Do you want to have some
banter with the host? Yes.Copy !req
24. It says you look a little
bit like a security man.Copy !req
25. On with the show!Copy !req
26. Tell us about the first task.Copy !req
27. OK, so the first task, as
always, is the prize task.Copy !req
28. Each of the contestants tonight hasCopy !req
29. brought in one of their possessions
for the prize haul and whichever oneCopy !req
30. you judge to be the best of those
prizes will get the first point.Copy !req
31. It's supposed to genuinely
mean something to them.Copy !req
32. It's supposed to be important to
them. It's bloody important, yeah.Copy !req
33. And this time you've asked them to
bring in their most valuable item.Copy !req
34. Frank, tell us what you brought in.Copy !req
35. I've brought a ring that
I purchased in...Copy !req
36. It's a beauty.
WOOINGCopy !req
37. Lovely, it's gone very
The Price Is Right!Copy !req
38. I bought it in 2001.Copy !req
39. And I think I paid 600 quid for it.Copy !req
40. £600 is a hell of a start, though,
isn't it? Is it still worth £600?Copy !req
41. Well, we had it valued,
it's currently worth £3,995.Copy !req
42. No way!Copy !req
43. Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
44. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
45. The whole game, it's not
quite so funny now, is it?Copy !req
46. But it's worth £3,995.
So, basically, 4,000.Copy !req
47. Nearly four grand, it's
a hell of an opener.Copy !req
48. I mean, to these people,
that's a lot of money. Oh, God.Copy !req
49. Josh, four grand is a lot to beat.Copy !req
50. Yeah, four grand is nothing compared
to mine, because I have takenCopy !req
51. the ultimate gamble and I
have signed a blank cheque.Copy !req
52. It could be whatever the
morals of the winner dictate.Copy !req
53. Well, that's you well and
truly fucked then, isn't it?Copy !req
54. I think this is also going to be
one of those things that you thinkCopy !req
55. is a funny idea before the show,
but it's going to backfire.Copy !req
56. No. I don't think
Frank Skinner is going to...Copy !req
57. No, Frank doesn't need it, but if I
come to the other end... Hold it!Copy !req
58. I don't need it but I like the
idea of Josh no longer having it.Copy !req
59. What's the maximum you can do?
It's 20 grand. 20 grand. What?Copy !req
60. Then I would do 20 grand.
No! Aye, aye, aye, aye!Copy !req
61. "Well, I'm doing the most valuable,
I'm putting up a cheque."Copy !req
62. Well, deal with it, bitch!Copy !req
63. Roisin, we've already got
a winner in this round,
what have you brought in?Copy !req
64. I've brought in a diamond ring.Copy !req
65. WOOINGCopy !req
66. Right, now, I don't want to sully
the atmosphere in this roomCopy !req
67. because you and I are friends, but
I know that's not a diamond ring.Copy !req
68. How much is it worth, Roisin?
£12.Copy !req
69. So, Roisin goes instantly into
last place, so that's fine. Romesh?Copy !req
70. I have put up what is
easily the most valuable.Copy !req
71. It's a Peugeot 407.Copy !req
72. Wow. No way!Copy !req
73. Is it yours?
My wife gave it to me.Copy !req
74. She doesn't know
that I'm doing this.Copy !req
75. How much is Romesh's car worth?Copy !req
76. The car is currently worth £590,
cos it's not a good car.Copy !req
77. Oh, what? It's not a good
car and it's 14 years old.Copy !req
78. Roisin, comfortably
still in last place.Copy !req
79. Tim, what did you bring in?
I brought eight copies of my book.Copy !req
80. How much does your book retail at?Copy !req
81. Well, I mean, when it first went on
sale we were all fairly positive...Copy !req
82. £8.99, I think. Do you know?Copy !req
83. Yeah, they're currently
on for £3.50 on Amazon.Copy !req
84. You can get them for £3.50.
But these are signed, are they?Copy !req
85. I can sign 'em, yeah.Copy !req
86. I signed my cheque!Copy !req
87. We got any indication of how much
Tim's signature would add to the...Copy !req
88. I would say in total they're going
to be between the £12 and the car.Copy !req
89. Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner of that first round is
Mr Josh Widdicombe.Copy !req
90. This means that the
leaderboard looks like this.Copy !req
91. Ladies and gentlemen, all of
these prizes will be taken homeCopy !req
92. by the winner tonight and something
they may come to regret.Copy !req
93. They're on display up there.Copy !req
94. Ladies and gentlemen, those are
our prizes up on the balcony.Copy !req
95. WOOINGCopy !req
96. Time for the first big
task, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
97. Task one proper.Copy !req
98. Oh, my... Wow.Copy !req
99. What the?Copy !req
100. Exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
101. Oh, mate, I used to dream about
stuff like this happening as a kid.Copy !req
102. Aliens sending me mail.Copy !req
103. "Get this boulder as far from
this place as possible."Copy !req
104. "You have one hour,
your time starts now."Copy !req
105. Oh, my God.Copy !req
106. Yes, at the Taskmaster Mansion I had
a massive boulder I wanted moving,Copy !req
107. why wouldn't I have a massive
boulder I wanted moving?Copy !req
108. Let's see how Roisin Conaty
handled that challenge.Copy !req
109. Hello, I was wondering if I
could order a courier, please?Copy !req
110. I need the one after a transit
van, I reckon, or a transit van?Copy !req
111. Do you reckon I would get that
in a transit? Camber Sands.Copy !req
112. Bear with me one moment.Copy !req
113. Will you map it and just see how
long it is? There we go, two hours.Copy !req
114. Yeah, sorry, can I not have it
Camber Sands actually, sorry.Copy !req
115. Cos that's two hours away, I need it
to go somewhere that's an hour away.Copy !req
116. Can I call you back in,
like, five minutes?Copy !req
117. You've got... Loads of time? 48
minutes left. OK, let's go inside.Copy !req
118. The thing is, though,
even if I order a courier,Copy !req
119. they're not going to
get here in an hour.Copy !req
120. Well, not if you don't call them.Copy !req
121. Hello, I called a moment
ago about ordering a deli...Copy !req
122. Collection. It's one sort of
large item. It's a boulder.Copy !req
123. I'll have to call you back in
two minutes then just to confirm.Copy !req
124. Sorry about that, I need
to check just to make sureCopy !req
125. that we've got the quickest time.
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.Copy !req
126. How long will they be?
45 to 60 minutes.Copy !req
127. Oh, right, you've
got 32 minutes left.Copy !req
128. I've just got two quick
questions for you.Copy !req
129. Where is the boulder at this
stage in the challenge?Copy !req
130. Still in the garage.
It's still in the garage.Copy !req
131. 28 minutes have passed and it's
still in the garage and my secondCopy !req
132. question is, why was your first
instinct to take it to Camber Sands?Copy !req
133. I'd been googling Camber Sands the
day before.Copy !req
134. What? Why had you been googling it?
Cos I wanted a day trip.Copy !req
135. Were you taking the rock
back to its natural habitat?Copy !req
136. Let's see what the Master's
got in store for usCopy !req
137. in the second part of
the challenge.Copy !req
138. Oh. Oh, dear. I've messed
this up so bad.Copy !req
139. So, after 28 minutes of
debate and establishing thatCopy !req
140. she would ideally like to
get it to Camber Sands,Copy !req
141. Roisin then decided to roll the
boulder, that was the plan B.Copy !req
142. Alex, how far did
Roisin get the boulder?Copy !req
143. In an hour she moved
the boulder 300 yards.Copy !req
144. It's 200,000 yards away...
So just shy of Camber Sands.Copy !req
145. Just shy of the target.
I mean, I knew I made a mistake.Copy !req
146. I tried to act on impulse -
just get a courier and get it out.Copy !req
147. But you're trying to act on impulse
and it was still in the garage
after 28 minutes. Amazing.Copy !req
148. I'm not a betting man,
but I think we've found our
last place for this round.Copy !req
149. OK, everyone, stop. We're having a
break. See you in a minute
for the conclusion.Copy !req
150. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
we missed you.Copy !req
151. But enough of that, on with the
show. Alex, who was next?Copy !req
152. We're going to have a look at
Romesh and Frank together,Copy !req
153. cos they had slightly
more lateral thinking.Copy !req
154. Is there a wheelbarrow in the shed?
Yeah.Copy !req
155. Can I get someone to
take this for me?Copy !req
156. I'm thinking about
phoning up someone.Copy !req
157. Could you search
van plus driver hire?Copy !req
158. I've got van Persie.
Van Persie? No.Copy !req
159. A man with a van removal
service in Chiswick.Copy !req
160. OK, so, it says contact Mo.Copy !req
161. Good morning, I'm trying to getCopy !req
162. a facsimile boulder on to a train.Copy !req
163. It's a boulder.Copy !req
164. Here he is.
Are you Mo? Yes.Copy !req
165. Hello, Mo. Listen,
I need a massive favour.Copy !req
166. I need to get that boulder as
far away from here as possible.Copy !req
167. So, if I put it in
the back of your van,Copy !req
168. we came from that direction,
you've got ten minutes to getCopy !req
169. it as far away in that
direction as possible.Copy !req
170. Godspeed, Mo!Copy !req
171. And it's already progress in that
they were moving whilst thinking.Copy !req
172. He got just the luck of the
drawer that he got a courier.Copy !req
173. I phoned a lot of couriers,
Alex, you know I tried a lot.Copy !req
174. Well, you phoned one courier and
then you phoned them back and then
you...Copy !req
175. Oh, no, and then
you phoned them back.Copy !req
176. How many couriers did you try?
Two or three, I think.Copy !req
177. On the third one, Mo came good?Copy !req
178. Yeah, but Mo, I'm going to be honest
with you, Mo was a nice guy,Copy !req
179. but he was a liar.Copy !req
180. Like, he told me he was
going to be five minutes,Copy !req
181. five minutes later I call
him, he says ten minutes.Copy !req
182. I said, "Mo, you get your story
straight and then tell meCopy !req
183. "when you're going to be here."
How many minutes was it?Copy !req
184. Well, he wheelbarrowed it for
50 minutes and then put it in aCopy !req
185. van for ten and the other way round
would have been a lot quicker.
Yes, I know that.Copy !req
186. Did you have to look at
the iPad for that fact?Copy !req
187. No, listen, listen...Copy !req
188. You got a courier in 50 minutes,
he showed up to pick up a boulderCopy !req
189. in 50 minutes, it's an
incredible turnaround.Copy !req
190. When he turned up he said, "You'll
never guess, some crazy shithead
wanted me to go to CamberSands."Copy !req
191. Shall we see how Mo actually did?
Perhaps you're being unfair to Mo?Copy !req
192. Perhaps he's nailed this for you?Copy !req
193. I've put it on a map exactly how
far your boulder went, Romesh.Copy !req
194. You wheelbarrowed it for a mile
in 50 minutes
which is quite impressive.Copy !req
195. That's impressive.
While on the phone to Mo.Copy !req
196. Who then drove it for 2.4 miles.Copy !req
197. Unfortunately the...Copy !req
198. It's not great.Copy !req
199. Do you understand why
I can't deal with Mo?Copy !req
200. Mo is a prick!Copy !req
201. Before you give poor Mo any
more grief than you've alreadyCopy !req
202. given him, we all saw
your instructions to MoCopy !req
203. and you said, "Drive in that
direction." So it's my fault?
You'd already turned left, yeah.Copy !req
204. Just to be absolutely crystal
clear, all of this is your fault.Copy !req
205. Just to say that Frank did actually
get on the train with the boulder,Copy !req
206. didn't you, Frank? Mm.
Yeah, that was commitment.Copy !req
207. A man said to me, "What's that?"Copy !req
208. And I said, "Well, it's a boulder."Copy !req
209. And he said, "What's a boulder?"Copy !req
210. And he said,
"Is it like a big rock?"Copy !req
211. And I thought that was the
definition I was grasping for,
so I nodded.Copy !req
212. How far did Frank get it?
Frank got it 6.5 milesCopy !req
213. to Feltham
which is quite impressive.Copy !req
214. Frank's in the lead at this point.Copy !req
215. At this point Frank is
in the lead, yeah.Copy !req
216. Lovely. Shall we see how
Josh and Tim got on? OK.Copy !req
217. Well, I was thinking helium
balloons. That's a good idea.Copy !req
218. And then it gets a lot of distance.Copy !req
219. How many helium
balloons would we need?Copy !req
220. We'd need a lot.Copy !req
221. And I just need to order a cab,
as quickly as possible to arriveCopy !req
222. and then I'll pay for them to drive
for an hour west, down the M4.Copy !req
223. Oh, I think this is a good idea.Copy !req
224. I think once it's up, it'll
gather momentum pretty quickly.Copy !req
225. Do you want me to get it?Copy !req
226. It's a shame, though. Do you
want to lift the other sideCopy !req
227. and we'll just...
Get it up? Yeah.Copy !req
228. Just at least get it started.Copy !req
229. Ready? Yep.
One, two, three.Copy !req
230. I'm going to have a Crunch Cream.Copy !req
231. We need to put the rock on the van.Copy !req
232. Please can you help me put
the rock on the van? OK.Copy !req
233. Here he is!Copy !req
234. Thank you.Copy !req
235. 27 minutes. It's exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
236. How long did you piss around
with those balloons?Copy !req
237. Pissed around for about
half an hour, I think.Copy !req
238. No, maybe 40 minutes.Copy !req
239. Once Tim stopped with the balloons,
how far did he get it in your van?Copy !req
240. Yeah, so once he put it on
my van, it went 2.3 miles,Copy !req
241. which is just ahead of Romesh
because of the problems with Mo.Copy !req
242. What I was most impressed with
with you, Josh,Copy !req
243. was that you were totally unfazed
and never at any point didCopy !req
244. you consider moving the
boulder yourself. No.Copy !req
245. It's not a criticism, I think
you're like a general letting
other people do the work.Copy !req
246. I hate to say it, but I think I'm
probably what makes Britain great.Copy !req
247. You can see where it was after
an hour. It's in Windsor.Copy !req
248. Ladies and gentlemen, a very clear
winner of that task and a brilliantCopy !req
249. effort by all of our contestants,
but the winner, very clearly,Copy !req
250. Mr Josh Widdicombe.Copy !req
251. Alex, how are the scores looking?Copy !req
252. I've updated the scoreboard,
we can see it up there.Copy !req
253. Josh is well in the
lead at the moment.Copy !req
254. So, there we go.Copy !req
255. What's the next task? We can
have a look at the next task now.Copy !req
256. "Grow the longest nail."Copy !req
257. "You have ten weeks,
your time starts now."Copy !req
258. It's genuinely excellent news to me,Copy !req
259. because I have strangely
long big toes.Copy !req
260. That's right. A genuinely
disgusting task.Copy !req
261. Let's see how they get on
after the break.Copy !req
262. Welcome back to Taskmaster.Copy !req
263. Now, before the break we revealed
that our five contestantsCopy !req
264. have been competing to
grow the longest nail.Copy !req
265. Frank, how did you get on?Copy !req
266. Oh! Wow.Copy !req
267. Would you like to have
a look at that, Greg?Copy !req
268. I mean, I would like
to have a closer lookCopy !req
269. but already from here I'm disgusted.Copy !req
270. Oh. Urgh, cos you've got
quite feminine hands as well.Copy !req
271. Well, I've never done
a day's work in my life.Copy !req
272. Is this a trick of the camera?Copy !req
273. Have you put a picture in front
of the camera of a 60-year-old
woman's thumb?Copy !req
274. It's 2.1 centimetres long.
Frank is 2.1 centimetres.Copy !req
275. Josh, can we see your nail? Oh, no.Copy !req
276. Oh, no. Could I just say that
this is probably the worst thingCopy !req
277. you're ever going to see.Copy !req
278. Oh!Copy !req
279. It looks like an owl's foot!Copy !req
280. It actually looks like talons.Copy !req
281. Do you want to touch it?Copy !req
282. It looks like an old man's
thumb has been put on...Copy !req
283. 2.8 centimetres.Copy !req
284. I mean, well done. Cheers, mate.
Well done for living with that.Copy !req
285. How did Roisin get on?
I bit mine.Copy !req
286. So, Roisin crashes in at
last place, I would imagine.Copy !req
287. 1.8 centimetres.Copy !req
288. 1.8 centimetres for Roisin.Copy !req
289. Romesh, what you got for us?Copy !req
290. Let me show you, there you go.
I've decorated it.Copy !req
291. Oh, my God, it's curled over!Copy !req
292. That's supposed to be like a face.Copy !req
293. Why has it curled over?
Urgh!Copy !req
294. Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?Copy !req
295. I did a...Copy !req
296. That's supposed to be a face, like
if I put dots and a smile on it.Copy !req
297. A couple more weeks' growth, you're
going to be able to hang from that.Copy !req
298. Would you mind measuring
that, Romesh? Not at all.Copy !req
299. That is just the most horrifying
thing I've ever seen.Copy !req
300. Oh, you can shut your mouth!Copy !req
301. 2.2 centimetres. Wow.Copy !req
302. Impressive.Copy !req
303. How did Tim get on?
I couldn't do this one.Copy !req
304. For religious reasons? No,
but I've got a note of exemption.Copy !req
305. Do you want me to read it?
Yes, please.Copy !req
306. "Tim Key, who was employed as an
actor in Daniel Kitson's productionCopy !req
307. "of Tree at the Old Vic Theatre
in London, the characterCopy !req
308. "he portrayed was a nervous man who
would bite his nails anxiously.Copy !req
309. "As such he was unable to undertake
the task. "Thank you. Jen."
Jennifer Tate.Copy !req
310. I saw Tree. Yeah.Copy !req
311. And you were with me that night.
I was with you, yeah.Copy !req
312. It's a fabulous play,
I was enthralled, The Guardian.Copy !req
313. But you wore shoes throughout.Copy !req
314. Yes, I saw that.
So you could have grown a toenail.Copy !req
315. You have to have, like,
a back story to the characterCopy !req
316. and so I was biting them as well.Copy !req
317. What were you hoping was
going to come out of
the whole excuse note thing?Copy !req
318. Well, I thought there'd be
like a general voided round.Copy !req
319. I'm not going through that
to have it voided off!Copy !req
320. Without question the winner of that
is Josh "Repulsive Feet" Widdicombe.Copy !req
321. Alex, has that affected the scores?Copy !req
322. Well, we're halfway and
here's the scoreboard.Copy !req
323. Josh is in the lead at the moment.
So there we go.Copy !req
324. What was next? OK, let's
have a look at the next task.Copy !req
325. Hello. Hello. Hello, Alex. Hello.
How are you?Copy !req
326. Hello. Hello.Copy !req
327. Hi, Frank. Morning.Copy !req
328. "Make this bed to a hotel
standard while holding hands."Copy !req
329. "Your time ends when you get
into the bed. Fastest wins.Copy !req
330. "Hold hands now..."
Wait, I don't understand.Copy !req
331. We've got to make the
bed holding hands.Copy !req
332. Do all three of us have to be
in a chain the whole time?Copy !req
333. "Hold hands now,
your time starts now."Copy !req
334. Good to see you, Frank.
Good to see you. I feel you've
already got an advantage. Why?Copy !req
335. Well, because I've put my
right hand out of action.Copy !req
336. You've got yours.
Oh, but I'm left handed. Oh.Copy !req
337. Then we've made a terrible error.
Terrible error.Copy !req
338. How did we decide how to
group the people together?Copy !req
339. Well, it's kind of a maths thing
again. That Frank and Tim,
their ages,Copy !req
340. they add up to 100,
as do the three of these guys.Copy !req
341. I'm 24. Yeah.Copy !req
342. Start with the youngsters.Copy !req
343. Oh, shit, watch out, watch out!
It doesn't matter.Copy !req
344. It's a hotel standard,
don't want tennis court on it.
We can dust it off.Copy !req
345. I mean, they haven't said which
hotel cos that's Travelodge
all over that.Copy !req
346. So you want this? Rom?
Yes, I've got it. Got that?Copy !req
347. Wait, let me get my corner.
Ready? Got it?Copy !req
348. I've definitely got it.Copy !req
349. Wait, wait, wait. I can help.
You don't need to shake it.Copy !req
350. Right, have a shake. You just said,
"You don't need to shake,"
now you want us to shake. OK.Copy !req
351. What are you doing?Copy !req
352. I'm trying to get the pillow on!Copy !req
353. You're just moving the sheet
up and down the pillow.Copy !req
354. The buttons are wrong,
the buttons are wrong.Copy !req
355. It's not. Why is there this
loose flap here? There's a hole.Copy !req
356. This is what's wrong with the world.Copy !req
357. Let's just enjoy ourselves. Go on,
Rois, put some fuckin' effort in.Copy !req
358. Right, done. Pillows.Copy !req
359. OK, let me swap, then you
do the pillows. Let me hold Josh's.Copy !req
360. Auld Lang Syne! Right.Copy !req
361. Wait, wait, wait, wait. There we go.Copy !req
362. No, we want me in the middle,
we want me in the middle. Why? No.Copy !req
363. You two let go, you two
let go of each other.Copy !req
364. There you go, I'm in the middle. Go.
No. I'm in the middle.Copy !req
365. Oh, are you in the middle? Yes. OK.Copy !req
366. Duvet first or pillow first?
OK. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my God!Copy !req
367. Oh, my God! Brilliant.Copy !req
368. I've dreamed of this moment.Copy !req
369. Bend your leg so we can get the
duvet over. Oh, OK. Oh, no!Copy !req
370. I'm stopping the clock. There we
are. I think that was all right.Copy !req
371. That was really good going.Copy !req
372. We're at a massive
disadvantage to these two. No.Copy !req
373. How are you at a
massive disadvantage?Copy !req
374. Cos there's three people.Copy !req
375. You've got a third person whose
hands are both out of actionCopy !req
376. and you're just dragging them
along. It's more difficult.Copy !req
377. If you had a three-legged race,
that would be easier than a...Copy !req
378. But you're suggesting that the
person in the middle is a hindrance.Copy !req
379. Yes. They had a massive
advantage, having three.Copy !req
380. You have to keep moving people
around to put in the middle.Copy !req
381. Yeah, for a start you had
three intelligent people toCopy !req
382. work on the task. Yeah.Copy !req
383. We had one. Secondly,
wingspan is an advantage.Copy !req
384. Yeah, in case you want to take a
quick fly in-between the sheets.Copy !req
385. I saw an albatross make a
bed like that in 34 seconds.Copy !req
386. You're almost suggesting
that a crab would beCopy !req
387. better off without its
middle section.Copy !req
388. That's exactly what I'm saying.
Yeah.Copy !req
389. Let's see how two people got on.Copy !req
390. If this has got gravel on it, is it
still made to a hotel standard?Copy !req
391. Oh, my God. This is going to be
the hardest bit, isn't it,Copy !req
392. getting under the mattress.Copy !req
393. Was there a dog there
that we didn't notice?Copy !req
394. Is that a pillow?Copy !req
395. I got it, I got it. OK.Copy !req
396. OK, yeah, if you hold that,
give me this hand...Copy !req
397. This is why conjoined twins just
use those double sleeping bags.Copy !req
398. It won't be the first time
I've left saliva on a hotel pillow.Copy !req
399. Oh, here it is, there it is.
Yeah, this is going to be...Copy !req
400. Look, if I take the other corner...Copy !req
401. OK, I'm going to go in here.
Hang on, hang on.Copy !req
402. I'll tell you what, if you give me
that corner... No, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
403. Yeah, that'll be good.Copy !req
404. This is what you
need to do, isn't it?Copy !req
405. Wait, wait, wait.
Is it in? I think it's in.Copy !req
406. OK. I don't know why
you're not on the bed.Copy !req
407. I think we need to start buttoning.
This is buttoning.Copy !req
408. So, you start buttoning up there
then and I'll start buttoning up
this end.Copy !req
409. Yeah, but I can't button
with just one... Can I?Copy !req
410. You can use your thigh
as a buttoning table.Copy !req
411. What was that phrase, Frank?Copy !req
412. You can use your thigh as a
buttoning table. Thank you.Copy !req
413. That's fine, isn't it?
Don't be fussy, Frank.Copy !req
414. I'd be happy to walk into a hotel
and see that. Are we done?Copy !req
415. Yeah. I'm not sure if you've
read the task properly. Oh.Copy !req
416. Oh, we lie in the bed. We have to
get into it, we have to get into it!Copy !req
417. Do we have to get to sleep?
Stop the clock!Copy !req
418. Goodnight, Tim.
Goodnight, Frank.Copy !req
419. I'm tempted to give an extra
point for "Goodnight, Frank."Copy !req
420. It was genuinely a lovely,
sweet moment.Copy !req
421. Who did it the fastest? Let's give
it to the winners based on that.Copy !req
422. Two points for the winners depending
on who made it the fastest.Copy !req
423. They were both a high standard
as far as I'm concerned.Copy !req
424. The children took 16 minutes
and 3 seconds.Copy !req
425. Incredible. The grown-ups,
10 minutes and 57 seconds.Copy !req
426. Well, there you go,
fair winners. Fair winners.Copy !req
427. Alex, what are the scores?Copy !req
428. OK, well, if we have a look
here you can see the leader isCopy !req
429. Mr Josh Widdicombe.Copy !req
430. I've got this.
Time for another task.Copy !req
431. How are you? Good, thanks.Copy !req
432. Oh.Copy !req
433. "Make this Swedish person blush."Copy !req
434. "Make this Swedish pershon..."Copy !req
435. I've already got the accent.Copy !req
436. "Make this Swedish person
blush as deeply...Copy !req
437. "Make this Swedish person blush
as deeply as possible."Copy !req
438. Are you Swedish? Yeah.
I love Swedes. Good.Copy !req
439. "You have ten minutes,
your time starts now."Copy !req
440. My God, that's impossible.Copy !req
441. Josh, my feeling is, just from
that tiny little moment there,Copy !req
442. that you are the most
uncomfortable with this task.Copy !req
443. It was the worst
ten minutes of my life.Copy !req
444. Let's see the tension between
Josh and a... Swedish man?Copy !req
445. So, let's talk about
embarrassment, then.Copy !req
446. Mm-hm. Have you ever had sex?Copy !req
447. Yeah. Have you seen any of
the Emmanuelle movies? No.Copy !req
448. OK. How do you imagine
Alex Horne's naked body?Copy !req
449. Never. But you are now?
Yeah, I am now.Copy !req
450. Yeah, so what are you picturing now?Copy !req
451. How do you feel about
the communal showers?Copy !req
452. No problem with that, no. No?Copy !req
453. It's quite weird cos
it's difficult to know what...Copy !req
454. So, who would be your
dream celebrity in bed?Copy !req
455. No idea, actually.
There's no celebrities you fancy?Copy !req
456. Not really. Claudia Winkleman?
Don't know.Copy !req
457. You don't know who
Claudia Winkleman is? No.Copy !req
458. Um...Copy !req
459. WHISTLE PEEPSCopy !req
460. He's a tough nut to crack.Copy !req
461. Thanks, Josh. No worries,
that was the toughest task yet.Copy !req
462. That's not helped. Oh, no.Copy !req
463. See you later.Copy !req
464. Do you fancy Claudia Winkleman?
Let's not go into that.Copy !req
465. I mean, they're interesting frames
of sexual reference for you -Copy !req
466. Alex Horne, the Emmanuelle films.Copy !req
467. I mean, they are
1970s soft porn films.Copy !req
468. Communal showers and then the leap
to Claudia Winkleman intrigued me.Copy !req
469. I'm sweating so much now!Copy !req
470. Let's see how Frank
and Romesh got on.Copy !req
471. Hello.Copy !req
472. Will you do whatever I ask
you to do? Probably not.Copy !req
473. Probably not? No.Copy !req
474. What kind of things make you
blush, would you say? Don't know.Copy !req
475. What about somebody speaks
to you really close up,Copy !req
476. don't you find that a bit strange?Copy !req
477. Your ears are completely
devoid of hair!Copy !req
478. What are you like with physical
contact? Oh, that's fine, yeah.Copy !req
479. That make you feel weird?Copy !req
480. Fred, I'm worried that I'm
getting a bit of a pot belly,Copy !req
481. what do you think?Copy !req
482. It's fine.Copy !req
483. Is there a reason you're not
making eye contact with me?Copy !req
484. Not really, no.
I could make eye contact.Copy !req
485. Now we're getting on, aren't we?
We're really getting on.Copy !req
486. I have a surprisingly bulbous vein
on my private parts.Copy !req
487. But it almost exactly resembles the
point where the A40 joins the A315.Copy !req
488. I once got it out in a park
to explain to a lady directionsCopy !req
489. and it led to a court case.Copy !req
490. How does that make you feel? Yeah.Copy !req
491. I mean, I've got no idea.Copy !req
492. I'm either going to make him blush
or I'm going to sleep with him.Copy !req
493. I don't know which one
it's going to be.Copy !req
494. You know what I'm talking
about, though, don't you?Copy !req
495. Fred, I think you
might have beaten me.Copy !req
496. I've got 30 seconds
to embarrass you.Copy !req
497. I'm going to nuzzle,
you ready for the nuzzle?Copy !req
498. Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle,
nuzzle, nuzzle!Copy !req
499. Come on, Fred. Freddy.Copy !req
500. WHISTLE PEEPSCopy !req
501. I'm sorry. No worries.Copy !req
502. I can only apologise, but that
was just for the task, you know.Copy !req
503. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if you want to go for a
drink or whatever, let me know.Copy !req
504. I mean, it's so tough.
Yeah, I'm not proud of that.Copy !req
505. I mean, you look proud of it.Copy !req
506. I thought we got on,
I really thought we did.Copy !req
507. But what was disappointing
was how little he blushedCopy !req
508. and so the thing is I realised that
I was just touching him a lot andCopy !req
509. he wasn't blushing at all and I just
thought I'm just groping a dude now.Copy !req
510. I'm not achieving anything
in the task, it was horrible.Copy !req
511. See, I thought that he was blushing,Copy !req
512. but only from the neck down.Copy !req
513. Was anyone else surprised
Frank Skinner's got
the belly of a 15-year-old boy?Copy !req
514. Powerful homo-eroticism,
I really enjoyed it.Copy !req
515. Be interesting to see if a poet
comes in at a different angle.Copy !req
516. Let's have a look at Tim.Copy !req
517. Say something in Swedish.Copy !req
518. HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISHCopy !req
519. Can you say something else?Copy !req
520. OK, can you say in Swedish,
"This is my apartment"?Copy !req
521. HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISHCopy !req
522. "Make yourself comfortable."Copy !req
523. HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISHCopy !req
524. "I'm going to pour us
both some sherry."Copy !req
525. HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISHCopy !req
526. I want you to say, "I like..."Copy !req
527. Can you say, "I like to..."Copy !req
528. Hang on. Let me get this right.Copy !req
529. "I like to parade around
in my little denim shorts."Copy !req
530. Are you blushing?Copy !req
531. Say, "When I get half a chance,Copy !req
532. "I like to parade around in
my little denim jeans, waving."Copy !req
533. HE SPEAKS IN SWEDISHCopy !req
534. Have you ever been handcuffed? No.
Have you ever been whipped? No.Copy !req
535. Smothered in chocolate? No.
Licked? No.Copy !req
536. Kicked? No. Kissed? No.Copy !req
537. Look at me. Yes.Copy !req
538. Now look at my lips.Copy !req
539. WHISTLE PEEPSCopy !req
540. I wish I'd kissed him.Copy !req
541. If I had my chance again,
just go and blow on his lips.Copy !req
542. But actually looking at it,
I think he was blushing.
I'll just write that down,Copy !req
543. "If I had my chance again,
I would have blown on his lips."Copy !req
544. Yeah, it's a strange regret to have.Copy !req
545. Let's see if the woman in the
group took a different approach.Copy !req
546. Have you ever met anyone
with three breasts? No.Copy !req
547. Would you like to see someone
with three breasts?Copy !req
548. Yeah.Copy !req
549. What about four? Is that too many?Copy !req
550. Yeah, that's too much.
Three's OK, though?Copy !req
551. Three is OK.
Four, out of the question. OK.Copy !req
552. What about if you put your
head in between your legs?Copy !req
553. Not for dirty reasons,
just to colour it up.Copy !req
554. Yeah. Get a flush going.Copy !req
555. So, four breasts
is too much? Yeah.Copy !req
556. Three is sufficient? Yeah.Copy !req
557. Where would you have the third?
In the middle or round the back?Copy !req
558. In the middle. All right.
Same size or just a mini one?Copy !req
559. Oh, why not a mini one?Copy !req
560. Yeah, yeah, getting there.Copy !req
561. Whoa. Thank you. I think that's...Copy !req
562. I'm going to go with
that as my finish.Copy !req
563. You're stopping with
four minutes to go.Copy !req
564. That's fine, thank you very much,
Frederic, it was very red.Copy !req
565. Roisin was the only person who
thought to physically make himCopy !req
566. go red by applying
science, in a way.Copy !req
567. And I'm glad you thought of that,Copy !req
568. because I would
argue that without that,Copy !req
569. mentioning a withered back breastCopy !req
570. might not have done it.
I don't wanna be sexual.Copy !req
571. I'm not very good at being sexy,
so I was just trying to unnerve him,Copy !req
572. just make him feel like, "Oh, I
don't know what she's going to say."Copy !req
573. Yeah, like you've got
a mini tit on your back.Copy !req
574. I want him to look worried that
I might sort of get a back boob out.Copy !req
575. Thank God you used science.Copy !req
576. I suspect you may have nailed this
but, Alex, show us the blush chart.Copy !req
577. Yeah, we can see, Roisin did
make him go the reddest.Copy !req
578. Josh got him to jasmine shimmer.Copy !req
579. Then it's cherry blossom for Tim,
fantasy rose for Frank,Copy !req
580. puce for Romesh and ballet slipper
slash sangria from Roisin.Copy !req
581. Those are the exact bits,
so Roisin wins.Copy !req
582. So, the winner is
Old Back Tit Conaty.Copy !req
583. Remember, someone is walking
out of here with a cheque forCopy !req
584. probably £20,000 and a ring worth
almost £4,000 and a cheap shit ring.Copy !req
585. See you after the break for
the final part of the showCopy !req
586. and the final task.Copy !req
587. Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
one of these comedians will beCopy !req
588. driving home in Romesh's
absolutely rubbish car.Copy !req
589. Alex, who's in the lead so far?Copy !req
590. OK, so Josh and Frank
have both got 16 points.Copy !req
591. Some of our comics can't win now,
but very much playing for pride.Copy !req
592. But shall we get Roisin to read out
the task? Why not. Do you mind
reading that out?Copy !req
593. Have I been reduced to admin?
Yes, you have, yes.Copy !req
594. It's just to make you feel
a bit more special. Right.Copy !req
595. "Blow up the biggest
balloon whilst blindfolded.Copy !req
596. "You have 100 seconds and
one balloon." Simple task.Copy !req
597. That's a good task. So, you've got
exactly 100 seconds
to blow the biggestCopy !req
598. balloon you can from the moment
that Alex blows the whistle.Copy !req
599. Yeah, there are a couple of things,
you only have one balloon.Copy !req
600. At the end of the 100 seconds,
the balloon must be tied.Copy !req
601. And if the balloon does burst,
it won't be the biggest bubble.Copy !req
602. I'm absolutely terrified
of blowing up balloons.Copy !req
603. You idiot. So, it's time to...Copy !req
604. Can I say, we're tightly locked
in the lead and he's asthmaticCopy !req
605. and he's frightened of balloons.
I'm feeling good.Copy !req
606. Are you more or less frightened
of balloons than physicalCopy !req
607. contact with another man?Copy !req
608. Oh, I'd prefer contact
with another man to...Copy !req
609. Hold on, do we have a choice now?
You didn't say that before.Copy !req
610. And do we have to tie the end?Copy !req
611. So, shall we start?Copy !req
612. So, if you want to don your
blindfolds now, please.Copy !req
613. Balloons being handed out now.
Can I ask you, is this upside down?Copy !req
614. No, that's all right,
you're fine, you're good.Copy !req
615. OK, there's your balloon.Copy !req
616. If you drop a Swedish guy's testes
into my hand, I'm going to be...Copy !req
617. Just to remind you, you must
tie the balloon at the endCopy !req
618. and then hold it in front of
you with the knot down.Copy !req
619. Can I just check everyone
else is still here?Copy !req
620. Why don't you put your hand
out behind Roisin and seeCopy !req
621. if you can feel her little breast
and then you'll know.Copy !req
622. Oh, I'm loving this.Copy !req
623. Start the competition.
WHISTLE PEEPSCopy !req
624. Oh, lovely! Come on!Copy !req
625. You have one minute left.
One minute left. One minute left!Copy !req
626. I'm terrified!Copy !req
627. SCREECHINGCopy !req
628. HE SCREECHESCopy !req
629. You've got to keep your nerve.
How many seconds left, Alex?Copy !req
630. They have 40 seconds left.
40 seconds.Copy !req
631. You must tie the balloon.
Frank is tying, Frank is tying.Copy !req
632. It's very early to be tying.
You've got 25 seconds left.Copy !req
633. 25 seconds left. They're
struggling with the balloons.Copy !req
634. Stop this! Stop it!Copy !req
635. Stop it! Stop it!Copy !req
636. What's happening?
You've got ten seconds.Copy !req
637. Ten seconds. Four, three, two...Copy !req
638. One big last cheer,
ten seconds left!Copy !req
639. CHEERING, WHISTLE PEEPSCopy !req
640. You must hold your balloon
at the side now. That's fine.Copy !req
641. That was one of the most terrifying
things that's ever happened to me.Copy !req
642. You may now take
your blindfolds off.Copy !req
643. Oh, well, I've had a nightmare.Copy !req
644. I think it's safe to say
Widdicombe has blown his lead.Copy !req
645. Can you all re-take
your chairs, please?Copy !req
646. Ladies and gentlemen,
the balloon blowers.Copy !req
647. Welcome back. Incredibly
tense balloon task.Copy !req
648. Alex, who won the task?Copy !req
649. In a lovely way, Roisin won the
task, she won the honour back,Copy !req
650. so well done, Roisin. Roisin Conaty.Copy !req
651. Well done. Thank you. Thanks, guys.Copy !req
652. Really, really nice balloon blowing.
Thank you.Copy !req
653. I was quite patronising
when I said that,Copy !req
654. but I didn't mean to, I was
just pleased for your honour.Copy !req
655. It's cos you've done so badly
in all the others. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
656. Tim came second,Copy !req
657. although Tim didn't tie the
balloon during the 100 seconds.Copy !req
658. Oh. Oh, dear. That is a shame.
Sorry. So, what happens now?Copy !req
659. That means you don't get
any points in that round.Copy !req
660. Josh Widdicombe came last
with a tiny little balloon.Copy !req
661. Well, of course he did,
did you see the size of it?Copy !req
662. I was hoping that I'd be
the only one that didn't pop.Copy !req
663. Romesh came second last
and Frank Skinner came third. Wow.Copy !req
664. But let's see how that has
affected the final scores becauseCopy !req
665. someone is going home with a car,
a ring and a whole lot of money.Copy !req
666. Alex, can you reveal the final
scores this week? OK, here we go.Copy !req
667. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner
of Taskmaster, Mr Frank Skinner!Copy !req
668. How do you feel? Fantas... Is the
car still registered in your name?Copy !req
669. Yeah. Maybe I'll do a
hit-and-run on the way home.Copy !req
670. I mean, why wouldn't you?Copy !req
671. Well, thank you, everyone,
especially to you, Alex.Copy !req
672. Thank you. Um...
That's what it says.Copy !req
673. And Frank Skinner will now
go and collect his prizes.Copy !req
674. There you go, that's the end of the
show. Thank you for watching.
Don't forget, the humblestof tasksCopy !req
675. get beautified
if loving hands do them.Copy !req
676. Never forget that. Goodnight
and well done, Mr Frank Skinner!Copy !req