Taskmaster 1x4

1. Hello, I'm Greg Davies, this is Taskmaster and I am the Taskmaster.

2. For many years now, I've been getting other comedians to do things for me,

3. things like cleaning and cooking and decorating my flat.

4. Now, for the first time, we've filmed them doing it.

5. Over the past few months, I have set a series of challenging tasks to five challenged comedians.

6. They have no idea how each other did but they will soon find out.

7. I am in charge and they need to remember that.

8. Let's meet them now. First up, a man who is technically not yet a pensioner,

9. the legend that is Frank Skinner.

10. Next, a man who still gets ID'd when he buys vodka and knives,

11. it's Josh Widdicombe.

12. Once, when she was drunk, she offered me a pasta meal,

13. which she was going to put every conceivable meat into,

14. it's Roisin Conaty.

15. He is a father, a son, and a very angry man,

16. Romesh Ranganathan.

17. And finally, a man who's sort of quite handsome,

18. but also sort of not, it's Tim Key!

19. As always, I'm both aided and comforted by my personal assistant Alex Horne. Mm-hm.

20. Alex? Yes. Erm...

21. What? Do you want some banter or straight in with the show?

22. Er, one of each? Erm...

23. I feel... I feel like I have learnt so much from you.

24. OK, so the show,

25. erm, the first task, as always, is a prize task.

26. Each of the contestants has brought in one of their own possessions for the prize haul.

27. One of them will be awarded points by you, Greg,

28. the one whose prize impresses you the most.

29. Does that make sense? Sort of. Mm-hm.

30. This is their own stuff.

31. The winner's takes it all home so it makes it genuinely tense, doesn't it, everyone?

32. Yeah.

33. Good. And this time, you've asked them to bring in their most beautiful item.

34. Mr Skinner, what have you brought in that's beautiful?

35. I've brought in a country mouse-themed

36. vacuum cleaner cover.

37. Oh, my God! You genuinely bought this?

38. I was blown away by it, as they say in the vacuum world.

39. Sucked. Surely sucked. Er, well...

40. No, look at her. What?

41. It looks like a very coy badger.

42. It looks like a badger that's sniffing its tits, doesn't it?

43. Josh, what have you brought in for us that's beautiful?

44. A specially-commissioned piece of art. No way. Yep.

45. I have a magic eye of Greg Davies.

46. If you stare deep enough,

47. you'll see Greg Davies as naked as the day he was born.

48. I can see it and it's beautiful.

49. OK, Josh, I'm going to accept it's a picture of me. It's a lovely offering.

50. Roisin, what beautiful item have you brought us?

51. I've brought a cardigan that is the most beautiful thing I've ever owned

52. and I get more compliments for it than anything.

53. Isn't it incredible, right?

54. I've been stopped in the street more for wearing this cardigan

55. than for anything I've ever done on television. OK.

56. I think you should take that less as a compliment on your cardigan and more of a... Shut up!

57. Anyone who saw you in that is going to go,

58. "Well, I'll talk to this crazy harlequin."

59. Is that a nice cardigan?

60. Yes, those 12 women agree with you.

61. Who thinks it's an awful cardigan?

62. It's a brilliant cardigan if you need to hide in a church.

63. Romesh, what beautiful item have you brought us?

64. When, erm, my wife gave birth to our first son...

65. Oh! Erm...

66. That is such a lovely story. Go on.

67. Well, it doesn't have a happy ending, unfortunately,

68. cos he is a shithead now but...

69. ..my mother-in-law bought us a little statuette

70. to symbolise the love between mother and child,

71. and that is what I've brought.

72. My wife doesn't look like that.

73. She hasn't got a perfect sphere for a head, no? No.

74. It's a beautiful little piece, and also symbolic of maternal love,

75. and that's why I've brought it this evening.

76. You are not this person at all!

77. Listen, I'm just showing another side of myself, all right?

78. I don't want to be persecuted for that.

79. Well, I don't want to ruin the birth of any of your children,

80. but it's a horrible piece of tat, innit?

81. Tim, what have you brought in?

82. I can tell you now, you're not going to be last.

83. Are you shitting me right now?

84. I've bought a, erm, a flight to Cologne,

85. to visit the cathedral.

86. Oh, my God, that is genuine! Why is it in Romesh's name?

87. Why has it got my name on it?

88. I went to Cologne about four years ago,

89. and witnessed the cathedral,

90. and it is the most beautiful thing I've seen,

91. so I've just booked a flight, currently for Romesh, to just...

92. It's a day trip.

93. It leaves at seven from Luton Airport.

94. That's perfect, cos you get a full day there.

95. Yeah, you get a full day there.

96. I, actually, I do live nearer Gatwick, though.

97. Oh, sorry. Sorry, Romesh. I'd like to win it.

98. What happens if Roisin does win? She'll go to Cologne.

99. So then he'll have to disguise herself as Romesh?

100. Easy, mate.

101. I'll just rant everywhere... "Rrragh!" .. on the plane.

102. That's not the biggest difference, by the way.

103. No, I've got the type of ticket where you can change the name,

104. but I had to book it in someone's name, initially,

105. because it looks weird if you book a ticket, just saying,

106. "Who's going? I don't know.

107. "Just save a seat. See who wins this quiz I'm in."

108. OK. I'll make some judgments, shall I?

109. Do you want to do fifth place next? It feels you've made that decision.

110. Er, do I need to? No. Fine. I've got that. OK.

111. Hold on! W-What... Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's fifth?

112. What's fifth? What is fifth? What's fifth?

113. Well, you'll find out in a minute. I'm going to read the others out.

114. In second place, it's going to be Josh,

115. because I'm taking him on his word that it's a picture of me.

116. If it's not, he'll answer to me after the show.

117. I'm going to give the tit-sniffing badger-cover third place.

118. Obviously, Roisin's awful cardigan comes in fourth,

119. and the, er, vile ornament, fifth. Simple.

120. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the first round - Mr Tim Key!

121. Deservedly so, I say.

122. All of the beautiful prizes are up there, looking beautiful.

123. You can have a look at them now, if you like,

124. just to whet your appetite, really get you worked up.

125. After the final task of the day,

126. the winner will stagger up to collect their winnings

127. and the others will be very, very sad. Good stuff.

128. Let's start the show proper. What's the first task?

129. OK, the first task is... Well, let's see. Shall we see it? Yeah. OK.

130. A block of ice.

131. Ice?

132. "Make this ice block disappear as fast as possible."

133. "You have one hour. Your time starts now."

134. Kettle. On.

135. Hot water is surely the best way.

136. There's no fire, is there?

137. What's "disappeared"? Er, it's when things,

138. when you can't see them any more.

139. Do you want it melted? It's up to you, Tim.

140. So obviously, you know, this is a temperature-raising exercise.

141. I picked that up straight away.

142. Pretty straightforward - you all have to make it disappear.

143. Are you feeling confident, Frank?

144. I've already thought of three mistakes I made.

145. The tie?

146. Who shall we see first? Shall we look at Frank and Josh?

147. Why don't we? Why don't we clump them together?

148. "I think melting is good."

149. I ought to stop, though, cos my instinct is just to go for it,

150. and I feel that cleverer people think,

151. "Ooh, I know a good thing to do."

152. There's a bath in there.

153. I'm going to put it in the bath

154. and deal with in there with water and heat.

155. This is actually quite difficult. It's quite slippy.

156. Could you help? Yeah.

157. Are you able to get that end of it? Yeah.

158. We probably better not put it in too heavily.

159. I'm assuming there's hot water.

160. I'm just going to basically operate a...

161. .. get-as-much-hot-water-on-it- as-possible manoeuvre.

162. It does fly.

163. I'm going to try this in the oven.

164. I'm leaving this in the sink.

165. Erm...

166. I've got boiling water in a wok coming through.

167. The oven's a bit disappointing.

168. Smash this up a bit more. Leave that in there, simmering.

169. Right, so that bit's going, gone.

170. It's just this bit here,

171. and then we're done.

172. Done! Done!

173. Stop the clock.

174. OK.

175. I've never done, erm, ice in the, in the oven before.

176. If I'd have bet on it, I thought that would go really quickly.

177. Hot, isn't it? You'd think.

178. Look. Ooh! Look at that, just that last bit.

179. That's really close now. Really close.

180. I think... Has it gone? I can still see it.

181. Can you still see it?

182. No. I can't see it now.

183. Thank you, Frank. Thanks very much.

184. Do you want a drink? Water?

185. I'm just going to drink straight out the oven!

186. Very similar, that was.

187. If you look at it in isolation,

188. it looks like a documentary of two men having a breakdown.

189. It wasn't far off!

190. 17 minutes and four seconds... Whoa!

191. WHISTLING .. melting the block.

192. Frank, 27 minutes and 28 seconds. Still under half an hour. Really?

193. And how was Josh better than Frank? It looked like Frank...

194. He melted it quicker. Ah!

195. That's how this works! Yes. OK.

196. Who are we seeing next? Er... Very impressive start, I thought.

197. Yeah. Let's have a look at Roisin. Why not? Yeah.

198. Alex, will you help me carry this block of ice?

199. I'll... You hold this and I'll try and tip it in. Sure.

200. I'm ready.

201. Am I over it? Am I over it?

202. Lovely. That's getting it.

203. It's working. Is it?

204. Oh, my God!

205. Am I doing this completely wrong?

206. Can you just hold that for one second, Alex?

207. Have you got it? OK? Uh-huh.

208. Very similar.

209. I imagine this was what it was like on the set of Frozen.

210. Alex? Will you put the kettle on for me, please, Alex?

211. Can you also take this pot in

212. and boil me up a pot of water, please?

213. Basically, pressing the hose directly on it...

214. Hold on, I've got hair in my mouth.

215. Alex can you come and take the hair out of my mouth, please?

216. Will you take the hose and thing, put that down,

217. and this one, you've got to keep this one directly on it.

218. Look at it. Oh, that's lovely.

219. Maybe I've discovered a new skill - ice sculpture.

220. I like to call this one "Hope."

221. I think we're done, guys.

222. I can't see any more ice.

223. Congratulations. I've stopped the clock.

224. First things first, you know Frozen is a cartoon, right?

225. Yes. Just checking in.

226. I thought it was one of your strongest performances to date.

227. We were a good team, weren't we? We were! Thanks, Alex!

228. I don't know how much...

229. I don't know how fair it is to be using Alex to that extent.

230. He is your PA. He is, he is MY PA.

231. He only helped me a little bit, he didn't help with the...

232. Only helped you a little bit? He took the hair out of your mouth!

233. Down an octave!

234. It's really great bringing the water to the ice. No-one else thought to do that.

235. She never broke the ice at all. It was beautiful, but it was slow.

236. What was the time, then? It was just over half an hour. 30 minutes and 20 seconds. Oh!

237. Shame, because it was otherwise...

238. .. uncharacteristically competent.

239. Alex, before we go into the break, could you answer me a question?

240. Mm-hm. How many baked beans do you think there are in a can?

241. In a can of baked beans? Yes.

242. There is no way of knowing that sort of thing.

243. There is if you're the Taskmaster.

244. See you after the break.

245. "Count the beans in a baked beans tin. Your time starts now."

246. Four, five...

247. Three,

248. that's four... 97.

249. 401.

250. There are 406 beans in a baked bean tin.

251. Welcome back to Taskmaster. Thanks for that, Josh. Much appreciated.

252. Right... Did no-one else do that?

253. No!

254. Are you kidding?

255. What?

256. On with the show. No!

257. What's the matter, mate? Are you joking?

258. You looked like you were having a lovely time.

259. Right... Am I not getting any points for that? That's correct.

260. We're getting closer to finding out who's going home

261. with Frank Skinner's vacuum cleaner cover.

262. Alex, who's next? Up to you. Well, it's up to me. Tim.

263. Tim Key.

264. Can I throw it in the river?

265. Is that dumping? I don't think it's dumping,

266. because it's a bit like water, isn't it?

267. I've not stopped the clock yet.

268. Why?

269. It's not disappeared.

270. What? It's not disappeared. When are you stopping the clock?

271. When it's disappeared. That's... What?

272. I can still see it.

273. That's gone.

274. I can still see it.

275. I can't see it. I can see it.

276. Stop the clock! But I can still see it.

277. What are you talking about? It's just there. It's just bobbing down the river.

278. It's all mixed in... It's PART of the river!

279. So it's not disappeared.

280. It has. But I can see it.

281. Where? Just over there. I'll just go and have a little look.

282. You can go and have a look as much as you like, mate. Stop the clock, though.

283. I can see it. It's gone, mate!

284. That's gone now! I'll just see if I can see it.

285. Yeah, it's gone, I think.

286. I think stop the clock!

287. It's disappeared. It's gone! It's disappeared.

288. What time did you give Tim? Well, I couldn't see the...

289. Once it's in the river, it's gone, mate! No, no, it hasn't.

290. I gave him a time of 13 minutes and 40 seconds.

291. That's when I could not see the ice any more. That's really fast.

292. You couldn't see it, but does that mean it's disappeared?

293. No, no. I think the fish could see it, though.

294. It's still there. Let's get a fish in here, then.

295. I mean, realistically,

296. that's going to be still visible for ages in that water.

297. Oh, shut up! Did you follow it down the river?

298. We didn't, but I imagine there was someone who's further down the river

299. to whom that has just appeared.

300. So it didn't disappear.

301. Roisin's changed its form, from ice to water.

302. Yours was still ice, and probably was for at least an hour, I would argue.

303. Yeah, but I've changed it sort of... I've changed...

304. I've done something to it.

305. No, you haven't!

306. I mean, I gave it 13 minutes 40,

307. cos, to me, it disappeared... Yeah. .. but it's up to you.

308. It had gone.

309. Your definition of 'disappearing' is that Alex can't see it.

310. Do you want to see my hand disappearing? It's gone. It's gone.

311. That's gone. Oh, no, it is still there.

312. Are you a fucking child?

313. Sadly for you, I am a child

314. who's in charge of this fucking show.

315. I haven't seen Romesh's attempt. I imagine it's subtle. No.

316. No, no.

317. Cooking up a little bit of ice there!

318. I'm going to try and smash the shit out of the rest of it.

319. Yeah, baby!

320. Ha-ha!

321. I've got to be honest with you, I feel pretty damned good!

322. Oh!

323. I'm literally smashing this. Do you get it? I'm done.

324. All over the shop!

325. Are you under the impression that you made it disappear?

326. I mean, that footage looks bad. I-I...

327. Romesh is right. It looked bad and it was bad. It was 47 minutes and 30 seconds

328. and it hadn't gone. It had not disappeared.

329. I really thought I'd done well on the day. Yeah. You really hadn't.

330. So the times are pretty clear. Romesh was the slowest. OK.

331. Roisin, Frank and Josh. It's up to you what you do with Tim.

332. I can't give it to Key. He didn't make it disappear. It went into a river, mate!

333. So Key last. Oh, no, come on!

334. What I did was an inventive way of getting rid of this damn ice!

335. Key's last. I'm making a judgment.

336. Romesh next. The other three, it's all about the time. Yes.

337. Josh Widdicombe is the winner of this round.

338. Josh Widdicombe is the winner, ladies and gentlemen.

339. So Josh is one step closer to taking home the beautiful cardigan which, er,

340. perhaps he'll wear on a flight to Cologne! Good luck.

341. Meanwhile, Alex... Mm?

342. .. before we go into the break, there's something really on my mind.

343. How many spaghetti hoops are there in a can of spaghetti?

344. There's...

345. There's no way of knowing that sort of thing.

346. There's no way that anyone would know that.

347. There must be a way of finding out. See you after the break.

348. "Count the hoops in this tin of spaghetti hoops."

349. You've done the... Oh, come on!

350. .. three, five...

351. 31. 32. 33. 433.

352. I'm nothing if not thorough.

353. Welcome back to Taskmaster. Thanks, Josh. Much appreciated.

354. How, in the first episode where I'm actually winning,

355. do I feel the saddest I've ever felt?

356. Maybe you should be thinking that the glass is half full

357. and that you're one of my special little boys.

358. Who's on top at the moment?

359. Well, Josh, thankfully, is in the lead. He's on nine points.

360. And as you can see there, Romesh...

361. Yeah, why not? Why not?

362. .. Romesh is in the last place.

363. OK, what's the next task? The next task involves the best sport, squash.

364. Two squash rackets.

365. Hello, Alex.

366. Wow. Really sinister, guys.

367. "Get to 11 points as fast as possible. Your time starts now."

368. "Get 11 points as fast as possible. Your time starts now."

369. What the hell does that mean? How do you play squash? I don't know how to play squash.

370. Erm...

371. I've never played squash.

372. Oh, God!

373. This is a team task, obviously.

374. The winning team will get two points each, and the losing team will get nothing.

375. Roisin, Josh and Romesh, let's ask you a quick question.

376. Do you now know how you scored points in this section?

377. To be honest with you, my levels of trust were quite low...

378. .. before this,

379. and then I was just bullied on a squash court.

380. OK, so you still haven't worked it out.

381. Let's see if Frank and Tim worked out how you score points in this exercise.

382. Where do these come in? I don't know.

383. What do we have to do? Get to 11 points as fast as possible.

384. At squash, or at anything? At what?

385. It's the Taskmaster System, OK?

386. Get to 11 points.

387. Hold on a minute. This is pointy.

388. One, two, three, four, five, six,

389. seven, eight, nine, ten, 11.

390. I've done it, haven't I? No, you're still on zero.

391. Oh, so, we can see when there's a point?

392. Eat a cake.

393. Just eat a cake, Frank!

394. It's fucking hard to get a point.

395. In there...

396. I want to do it at least once.

397. What's that? One? How did we score a point?

398. Maybe it's a word. Did you say something?

399. It's not that. It's not the ball. That's a red herring.

400. You wanker!

401. INDISTINCT DIALOGUE

402. Points. Two points.

403. Swearing. Wanker.

404. Shit in the bucket.

405. What, both of us?

406. What...? Both of us.

407. Every time I can't see you, we score a point.

408. No.

409. SCOREBOARD PINGS

410. Maybe you just get a point for slapstick.

411. I honestly believe we can do this.

412. I don't think we can.

413. You lose a point for pessimism.

414. Everything's going to be OK.

415. I feel confi...

416. Nodding. I've worked out how to lose points!

417. There must be another gesture, if we touch our head, say.

418. Try touching your head. Well, don't overdo it.

419. SCOREBOARD PINGS

420. Touching our heads? Yes.

421. Fucking idiot.

422. Alex, just so that the youngsters are clear, what is the system?

423. It's very easy. Normal rules - touch your head get a point.

424. Normal rules? Normal rules. Shake your head, you lose a point,

425. and if you disrespect the Taskmaster,

426. like putting a picture of him in a bucket, you lose two points.

427. When I got the tapped head,

428. I can't remember anything in my life I've been more excited to discover.

429. Oh, wasn't it fantastic? It was amazing.

430. Must've been horrible not to work it out at all. Yeah, it...!

431. I mean, we were trying everything. At one point, Josh was counting baked beans and...

432. Roisin, Josh and Romesh pretty much tried everything else. Do you want to see it now?

433. Let's see how the youngsters got on.

434. How do you play squash? I don't know how to play squash. Well, I do.

435. But presumably...

436. One point. What?

437. That's gone up to one. How did...? You picked up the rackets.

438. Give me a racket.

439. No. I serve, it's got to go in this box.

440. Oh, come on! What the sh...?

441. Let's just try and retrace our steps and see if it works.

442. SCOREBOARD PINGS

443. Whoa!

444. I didn't do anything. Roisin. Or was that me?

445. No. What if we're facing the same way?

446. Turn around.

447. Oh, for Christ's sake, it's doing my head in already, this!

448. Come on!

449. Put them back. Put the racket back.

450. Racket! Them. Back.

451. We got two points in that corner somehow.

452. Corner.

453. Somehow. Points.

454. Why is this...?

455. Oh, no!

456. This is very hard.

457. You need to give us some more... What? Nothing happened there!

458. Erm...

459. Erm?

460. Is it pausing?

461. Double one... Oh!

462. If we haven't got a point for that, then I don't know... What?

463. Is it words that we need to say?

464. Words. It's questions, isn't it?

465. Ooh.

466. What is going on?

467. That counts!

468. Point for not having a sodding clue what's going on? Utter silence!

469. SCOREBOARD PINGS

470. Yes!

471. Well done.

472. Ooh!

473. You treat us like animals...

474. That's what you get!

475. That's our remake of Lord of the Flies, there.

476. Do you know the worst thing about that is, I know what happened,

477. but even watching that I was just going, "Touch your head!"

478. "Just touch your head!"

479. How long did they take to not work out the system?

480. The kids, the children, they took 11 minutes and 12 seconds.

481. The grown-ups, 18 minutes and one second.

482. No way!

483. Romesh is bogelling!

484. I mean, that is literally monkeys in front of a typewriter, isn't it?

485. On paper, the team with three achieved the task the fastest

486. and I'll honour that with two points each,

487. but I think that the grown-ups, they worked out the system

488. so they should get one point each.

489. What are the scores please, Alex? Well, they are all still on single figures,

490. except for the counting-obsessive Mr Josh Widdicombe,

491. who is ahead with 11 points.

492. Lovely. Let's find out what the next task is.

493. Hi, guys.

494. "Fill an egg cup with as many tears as possible. You have 20 minutes."

495. "Fill an..." Oh, dear! Oh, well.

496. Right, let's get my acting out.

497. Taskmaster gets serious. It's time for you all to get in touch with your emotions.

498. I found it really difficult.

499. Why, mate? I don't want to sort of spoiler-alert my VT,

500. but I was shit at it.

501. Whose do you think we should see first? Well, let's have a look at Josh, the numbers guy.

502. Is this how to do it? Is it nose?

503. It's got to be eyes.

504. It certainly feels like it. Agh!

505. Ow!

506. Argh!

507. That's an actual tear, there. I'm really pleased with myself for that.

508. Ow! It's so painful!

509. Argh!

510. Oh, look! There...

511. This is genuine pain.

512. I mean, there's fuck-all in there.

513. Ooh!

514. I think I've dried out. End with some dignity.

515. HE SNIFFS

516. WHISTLE BLOWS

517. Basically, 20 minutes of slamming onions into your face, yeah? It looked like...

518. That was so painful.

519. Have you ever rubbed onions on your face? No. Weird, right?

520. I've got a little tip.

521. Don't! It's really painful.

522. It's really impressive. How many tears? Well, it was painful but not that successful.

523. Seven tears in 20 minutes. It's one tear every three minutes.

524. How's that not successful? Well, it's just not very many tears.

525. Like, numbers-wise, like, seven's one of the small...

526. Like, ten and 11... Yeah, I know about counting, mate!

527. And that's why I give you my special jobs.

528. Tim and Roisin.

529. Can you get The Full Monty up,

530. when they're in the post office

531. and the kid draws out all of his savings to give to Robbie Carlyle?

532. When did I last cry? I think it was a film.

533. I watched Steel Magnolias over Christmas,

534. the bit where Julia Roberts dies.

535. Would you like to see a little clip of Steel Magnolias? Yeah.

536. The funeral scene? Yeah, with the Sally Field speech.

537. Can you type in, erm,

538. "ET audition"?

539. I'm glad we've got a 30-second advert.

540. Here it is.

541. It's a great movie, guys!

542. Except it's got a really comic out, that's the problem.

543. Can you open up another window? Can you tell me what to type?

544. "Powerful art". Powerful...? Powerful art.

545. I just want them to squeeze something out there.

546. Do you want me to just gently scroll through them? Erm, yeah.

547. Oh, that is powerful.

548. I don't know whether that's going to make me cry.

549. WHISTLE BLOWS

550. I think the thing that we're all desperate to see is, erm,

551. powerful art.

552. We've got the image here. It's powerful.

553. What emotional impact did a farting bull

554. smashing a half-human devil into a wall have on you?

555. Weirdly, confusion.

556. It didn't start me crying, unfortunately.

557. Tim also watched a VT, a bit of The Full Monty.

558. No tears. Not a single tear.

559. Really? You want to pull some nasal hairs out, mate, that'll do it.

560. Yeah!

561. How many tears did Roisin get? The same. Also zero tears.

562. Are you over Julia Roberts dying now? Is that what happened?

563. Sally Field gives a really sad speech,

564. but then Shirley MacLaine's character comes in

565. and does a real funny bit.

566. I hadn't cried and it was a really funny out,

567. so it brought me back up!

568. Do you want to see Romesh next? Oh, God, yes!

569. What have you got there? I've got some hot pepper sauce.

570. I'm going to put a little bit on my fingers

571. and then I'm going to rub my eye.

572. I think I've rubbed it in enough. That's safe, isn't it?

573. Oh, shit!

574. Fuck!

575. Oh, fuck me!

576. Oh, yeah. That's what I've been waiting for.

577. That's the money shot, you know what I mean?

578. What are you doing at the moment? Holding my eyelids open,

579. trying to deal with the chilli sauce and thinking about the first five minutes of Up.

580. Oh, shit!

581. I'm going to put a bit more chilli sauce.

582. It's really intense, that.

583. Oh, shit. WHISTLE BLOWS

584. I can't see anything but tears now.

585. Good effort. Good effort.

586. Good work, Rom.

587. That is the sort of commitment we want on this show -

588. straight in with the chilli sauce, hard into the eyes.

589. You King Lear'd yourself. Lovely work. Thank you.

590. How many tears? Ten.Wow! Pretty good. Ten tears.

591. Ten tears.

592. Did you enjoy it? No. No.

593. It was really horrible,

594. to the point where I thought this might just be how my life is going to be now.

595. Let's have a look how Frank Skinner did. Ten to beat right? Ten to beat. Here is Frank.

596. "Fill an egg cup with as many tears as possible."

597. Er, it doesn't have to be my tears, does it?

598. Can I use the entire team?

599. So I can get other people, as well?

600. OK.

601. Hello?

602. Hello. Can I borrow you for 20 minutes, maximum?

603. If you can all come in here, that'd be great.

604. I need you to manipulate them a little bit.

605. Hold it quite close to your eyes, if you can.

606. See, I think you need to... Mm. It's something, isn't it?

607. Maybe I could sing Old Shep. Are you dog lovers?

608. Frank, definitely one. Got to be quick. Oh, brilliant! That's the first tear so far.

609. Was it the onion, or was it Old Shep?

610. Listen to this bit.

611. Ah, there's a good one! WHISTLE BLOWS

612. Oh, no!

613. It's a weird thing to hold the tears of four or five different men

614. in your hand.

615. How are you feeling about that, erm, chilli sauce decision now?

616. It's not my finest hour.

617. I wish I'D thought of it! Lateral thinking.

618. Brilliant performance by Frank.

619. Smiling throughout the task. No-one broke the rules in this task,

620. so it's simply on the amount of tears collected.

621. Which means that Frank, with 12 tears squeezed out of us,

622. is the winner.

623. In a moment, join us for the final part of Taskmaster

624. where there will be a live task on this stage.

625. Oh, before we go into the break, though...

626. It may not seem relevant, but it's been on my mind a while...

627. What is? What is it?

628. ..how many grains of rice are there in a bag of rice?

629. Really? I don't know. I don't know how you would know that.

630. There's got to be a way I can find out. I'm the Taskmaster.

631. See you after the break.

632. No way!

633. "Count the grains of rice in this bag of rice. Your time starts now."

634. ..33... Well that's 5g.

635. How many grams? 250.

636. So 500 is...

637. ..25,000 grains.

638. You feel like a loser, but then you realise you're not the one having to watch this fivetimes,

639. so I don't know who's the bigger loser out of me and you on this one.

640. You've done well.

641. Do you know now?

642. I genuinely think I deserve a point.

643. It's the final part of the show,

644. where one of these five comedians could still win all of that rubbish.

645. Alex, who looks most likely to win, at this stage?

646. Well, the relevant scores are that Romesh is on nine points,

647. Frank Skinner on 13, and Josh Widdicombe on 14 points.

648. Close. So it's close.

649. Excellent. Well, our comedians are now on stage.

650. Why are they all on stage in a line, Alex? They're going to do a task.

651. I would like Romesh to read out the task, please, Alex.

652. OK, Romesh, if you could read this out clearly and slowly, please.

653. A-hem. "Memorise the names of an Australian Rules football team.

654. "Most accurate wins."

655. That's right.

656. The contestants must memorise the names of all of this

657. Australian Rules Football team.

658. Oh, God! It's what we call high-pressure socialising.

659. They will go past you and shake your hands.

660. You've got to try to remember all their names.

661. You will then get given three randomly each,

662. that you will then introduce to Greg Davies, the Taskmaster. Oh, my God!

663. Is it first names or full names?

664. It's, er, sort of Aussie Rules names.

665. Oh, Australian names?

666. Alex, blow your whistle. Let's get this party started.

667. If you could all stand up, please. Oh, this is the worst thing that's ever happened. Here we go.

668. What are you doing, Tim?

669. Cheating, as usual! Not cheating!

670. I've got a system.

671. Hello. What's your name? Chisel. This is Chisel.

672. What's your name? Grillby. This is Grillby.

673. Reggie. This is Reggie.

674. Gordo. This is Gordo.

675. Paddo. This is Paddo.

676. This is the Colonel. Hello, Colonel.

677. Dina. This is Dina. Hello, Dina.

678. This is Pap.

679. What's your name?

680. This is Blanket. Blanket?

681. This is the Yank Tank.

682. Clarence. This is Clarence. Clarence. Hello, Clarence.

683. This is Issie. Hello, Issie.

684. This is Eggsie. Hello.

685. B Rad. This is B Rad.

686. Trev. We're ending with Trev.

687. So you've met the team.

688. I'd like Frank to introduce his three friends to me first.

689. OK, Frank, these are your three.

690. Please can you introduce them as quickly as you can to Mr Greg Davies. Yes, this is er,

691. Bosen... Bosie.

692. This is, er...

693. .. Bl-Blanket,

694. and this one is, erm,

695. what was it again?

696. This one is, erm,

697. the Co... It's not the...

698. Er, Steve. Steve? OK!

699. Josh, these are your three. Oh!

700. Chisel. We'll come back to you.

701. No, we'll stay on you.

702. Yank Bank?

703. Or Wank Plank.

704. You've already sewn this up. I mean, surely if I said that, he'd respond to it.

705. I don't think he'd respond to the Wank Plank!

706. Oh, God!

707. It's not, but I'm going to go with Paddo.

708. OK, thank you Josh. OK.

709. Can I meet Roisin's three friends?

710. Issie.

711. Er... Trev.

712. You were very fast, so it's a short name.

713. Er...

714. Moira.

715. Moira! Well done, Roisin. Good work.

716. When I think of speed, I think Moira!

717. Romesh, who are your three friends?

718. Well, this is just going to be three names that I come up with.

719. Erm...

720. This is Snoop Dogg.

721. You're a very sexual man, aren't you? Erm, I think...

722. OK, so this is my mate Trev. Yeah.

723. This is Snoop Dogg and this is...

724. .. Jane.

725. If I didn't know better,

726. I'd say you were trying to get rid of that figurine.

727. Have a seat, Romesh.

728. OK, Timothy, who are your three friends?

729. This is Dina. Yeah.

730. HE GIGGLES

731. Yank Tank.

732. And this is Mr Naughty Boy.

733. So, when I blow my whistle, if you have been named correctly,

734. please can you turn and face the front?

735. MURMURING

736. Let's count them up.

737. If you'll come and join me on the floor,

738. we'll see how that's affected the scores!

739. Well, there we are.

740. All of our contestants got a singularly unimpressive

741. one person each...

742. .. which we will award them one point each for. Fair enough. Absolutely.

743. I really respect you. Thanks, mate.

744. I can't imagine how that's affected the final score.

745. But before you reveal the winner of tonight's Taskmaster,

746. I should announce that I am giving Josh Widdicombe an extra point

747. for being such a good sport during his counting activities.

748. Alex, will you reveal tonight's winner, please? Yes.

749. So STILL in first place,

750. there was one winner pretty much throughout,

751. it's Mr Josh Widdicombe!

752. Josh Widdicombe wins!

753. Congratulations, Josh. You are the winner of tonight's Taskmaster. How do you feel?

754. Elated.

755. That's the end of the show. Thank you, everyone.

756. Thank you, Alex, and once again, Josh, congratulations.

757. You may now go and collect your tat.

758. And remember, everyone,

759. nothing great was ever achieved without a personal sacrifice.

760. Take those words and live your lives.

761. Goodnight.

762. Mr Josh Widdicombe!

763. I'm in!

764. Don't knock that figurine off!

765. Mr Josh Widdicombe!

766. Can I take this off? I'm suffocating.

767. So hold on, the winner of Taskmaster can't put a jumper on?