Taskmaster 1x3

1. Argh!

2. Hello. I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

3. Like you, I enjoy making people do the jobs I don't want to do,

4. especially when those people are famous comedians

5. and the jobs are absolutely ludicrous.

6. So, over the course of several months, several top comedians

7. have been doing some spectacularly odd tasks for me.

8. They have no idea how each other did, but they will soon find out.

9. Let's see who they are.

10. He's recently been awarded an OBE, we presume,

11. because this is going to be repeated, realistically.

12. Mr Frank Skinner.

13. He's got rosy cheeks, curly hair, and a very successful career.

14. It's Josh Widdicombe.

15. She has genuinely over 40,000 unread emails in her inbox,

16. because she is bad at certain aspects of life. It's Roisin Conaty.

17. He used to be happy, but since we've been filming this show,

18. he's not any more. It's Romesh Ranganathan.

19. He gets asked to do a lot of voiceover work,

20. but I think his face is fine. It's Tim Key.

21. As always, I will be assisted and encouraged by my assistant,

22. Alex Horne.

23. Alex, please remind us of the first task.

24. OK. The first task, as always, is the prize task.

25. Each contestant has brought in

26. one of their own personal possessions for the prize haul.

27. This time, we've asked them to bring in their most meaningful item.

28. Tim, you get to pitch to me first. Hit me.

29. I brought in a piston.

30. OK, well, you know I like to give people a chance

31. to justify their decisions, but I will say this is shit.

32. Go on. Yeah.

33. As you know, I won the Edinburgh Comedy Award in 2009...

34. Doesn't necessarily translate into TV work, does it?

35. Oh, well, hang on. To be fair, it's only been six years.

36. Anyway, the point being, when I did my show,

37. I was very proud of my show,

38. and it was kind of quite an emotional thing to win it.

39. My show was scattered with all these weird and wonderful props,

40. like fridges and stuff like that.

41. But I couldn't keep it, cos I didn't have a flat of my own,

42. so I got rid of everything from the show, apart from my piston.

43. And so the piston is very important to me. It means a lot to me,

44. and I'm putting that up into the prize gallery.

45. Now I feel like a total shit.

46. Romesh.

47. We haven't actually exchanged any words,

48. and you look furious with me already.

49. Backstage, I gave Romesh a little encouraging tap on the nose.

50. I went, "Boop!" And who wouldn't like that?

51. I went, "Good luck, everyone!" "Boop!" to Romesh.

52. He went, "What the fuck was that?"

53. But what the fuck WAS that?

54. Yeah, sorry. Romesh, what have you brought and why?

55. I have brought in something that's fairly meaningful to me. OK.

56. It's my wedding ring.

57. Ooh! Ooh!

58. Jesus! It is genuinely your wedding ring?

59. Yes, it's genuinely my wedding ring.

60. Does your wife know?

61. She doesn't... Well... Is that a no?

62. No, she doesn't. She doesn't know.

63. All of these prizes are absolutely genuine, and the winner of this show

64. will take the prizes home, so Romesh could lose his own wedding ring.

65. But I am, like, genuinely in deep trouble if that doesn't come home.

66. So am I if I turn up in it tonight.

67. Roisin, what have you brought in that's meaningful?

68. I have brought in a dictionary.

69. Ooh! Ooh!

70. Oh, God. That is the worst! It's not, actually.

71. There's more meaning in that than in his rubbish ring,

72. and his fake piston.

73. Oh, dear, Roisin.

74. Don't hit her!

75. Boop!

76. To be fair, it is the present so far that I most want.

77. Thank you!

78. I'm sure Romesh's wife will be delighted to hear that.

79. Josh, what did you bring in?

80. In the mid to late '90s, my father started writing

81. a string of angry letters to the local newspaper,

82. which no publisher wanted to make into a book.

83. So he got it published himself... Oh, no.

84. .. and he'd... I Blame The Beatles by Tom Widdicombe.

85. You know, and, and you thought the dictionary would be

86. the most boring book around, but...

87. And it's the only copy I've got,

88. which is a personalised book from my father.

89. Have you read it, Josh?

90. You've not read your own dad's book? So meaningful!

91. What is your problem?

92. No, I have read it. I have read it.

93. And it's a real slice of life.

94. Wow! Now, there's a quote for the back cover.

95. What did you bring, Frank?

96. I brought in my small child's hobby horse.

97. Aww!

98. This means a great deal to me, because when I was a child,

99. I really, really wanted a hobby horse.

100. They'd just been invented.

101. And my family could only afford to get me the stick.

102. To me, it means that because I've got more money than my dad had,

103. I'm able to give him something I didn't have.

104. And I actually had to sneak it out of the house to bring it here,

105. because he plays with it every day. So he'll be at home now, going...

106. Lump of sugar.

107. There's two ways of looking at this.

108. There's the sweet part of you that felt

109. you didn't have a proper hobby horse, so you bought your son one,

110. but then you thought, no, why should he have one?

111. And you took it back off him.

112. And now you've got a four in five chance of losing it.

113. You've got to speculate to accumulate. This time tomorrow,

114. he might be riding round the garden on a piston.

115. In fifth place, it'll be Roisin Conaty, obviously.

116. Fourth, I'm going to put Josh's dad's book in.

117. Oh, what?

118. A gift from my dad, who I no longer speak to!

119. But you... Oh...

120. I know for a fact it's not that way round.

121. He won't speak to you, cos you didn't read his fucking book.

122. Third, I'm going to put the piston, because it's a piston.

123. Second for Frank and you know, how can I deny someone

124. who is actively trying to wreck his own marriage on television?

125. The winner of the first task tonight - Romesh Ranganathan.

126. So this is how the leader board is looking at the moment.

127. There we go, Romesh - you're in the lead. Fantastic.

128. And all the meaningful prizes are up there

129. if you want to gaze at the absolute tat

130. that these people could take home. They're in the box up there.

131. Not necessarily meaningful to you, but still,

132. you could always sell the wedding ring and buy a fridge.

133. OK, what's our first proper task tonight?

134. Well, it's... Let's have a look.

135. I slightly struggled with the door handle there.

136. I wondered if that might be the task.

137. Big fan of tea, so this is a real boost to me. Right.

138. "Throw a teabag into a mug from the furthest distance.

139. "You have exactly one hour. Your time starts now."

140. I reckon I'll be pretty good at this.

141. Played a lot of cricket in my youth.

142. What's the longest part of the house?

143. But how will I get it into the mug...?

144. I'm just thinking about length, I'm not thinking about any accuracy.

145. "What's the longest part of the house?"

146. I've grouped Romesh, Roisin and Frank together.

147. Do you want to see how they did it? Oh, God, yes. OK.

148. The key clearly is... do you want wet teabags?

149. Dry teabags, rubbish.

150. Let's do this!

151. I've only brought out one teabag.

152. Let's just see where I am as an average.

153. No.

154. Wet it! I need to wet it!

155. What if I put loads of tea cups around,

156. and just increase my chances?

157. That's the... I reckon that's the best way of doing it.

158. Oh, God!

159. You kidding me? What's...?

160. Fuck you!

161. That's the first one in.

162. Just to clarify, it's the furthest distance for me

163. to throw a teabag into a mug? Yeah.

164. So it doesn't necessarily mean horizontally?

165. Yes! It was there.

166. Straight in. Five metres exactly.

167. It's infallible.

168. Fuck you! Oh, my God.

169. The last batch of squares I've got,

170. and then I'm going to have to start tidying up like a chump

171. and then re-use them. I didn't think I'd get to this point.

172. There's so many of 'em.

173. I have to say, when I picture the others,

174. I don't see them getting this kind of distance.

175. Poets, girls...

176. Some will take the first 45 minutes

177. realising it's better if they're wet.

178. Just realised, I should probably wet them.

179. It's quite late on to discover that, make that realisation.

180. Unbelievable. So good to discover this so late on.

181. It's added so much to the distance. It's rendered everything we've done

182. up to this point completely irrelevant.

183. There.

184. I just moved my hand a little bit, but it's there. It's in the mug.

185. YEAH!

186. Come on! COME ON!

187. What, mate?

188. The worst thing about it was, I regretted it, but I thought,

189. "God, I wonder if anyone else has figured out

190. "about wetting the teabags?"

191. But they had done within 30 seconds. Oh, within a heartbeat.

192. Even the person whose first question was,

193. "What's the longest part of the house?"

194. realised quickly that she had to wet it.

195. Yeah, that's not, you know... I'm not proud of what happened.

196. What distance did Romesh get? Was it impressive?

197. It's about eight and a half... dogs. I've measured it... Well, if...

198. I've done a system of eight and a half dogs,

199. presuming a dog is a metre long. So eight and a half metres.

200. How many dogs did Roisin do? 2.4 dogs.

201. It was very accurate,

202. and it wasn't the best or second or third or fourth best.

203. Frank, amazing structure. Presumably a good distance?

204. It was 10. 10.04 metres.

205. Where did he get the box from?

206. There was no box like that available when I was doing it.

207. There was definitely a box available. There was no box, mate.

208. I'm telling you now, there was no box.

209. There was a box available. You just haven't got box-searching skills.

210. Also, you couldn't work out whether to wet the teabags.

211. Do you really think you'd have come up with the box idea? Yeah.

212. I didn't even have taps in my one. I had to urinate on my teabags.

213. That's the lack of facilities I was given.

214. I don't know what kind of game you're running here,

215. but I'm not happy about it, all right?

216. That's an impressive performance, and so comforting to know that

217. two of the three people know what a box looks like.

218. There was no box, mate! Boop!

219. That's better.

220. Time for a quick break. See you ludicrously soon.

221. Welcome back to Taskmaster. Now, where were we?

222. Frank is in the lead at the moment. Shall we have a look at Josh?

223. Yeah, let's have a look at Josh.

224. I would argue a mug is a receptacle larger than a cup,

225. that you drink tea out of, with a handle.

226. So if I was to drink tea out of this before the end of the hour

227. to prove it was a mug, then I think I've got myself a mug.

228. I'll just attach the handle like that.

229. So I've got two mugs there.

230. Teabag taped to a golf ball.

231. Oh, God!

232. Ooh!

233. Well, it went in, but it didn't stay in.

234. Definitely still a mug? Yeah, of course it is.

235. Ask me if it's a mug when we share a cup of tea out of it later on, mate.

236. Box. Box.

237. Is the handle still attached? Yes. Is it still a mug? Yes.

238. If he was to dispute whether it was a mug...

239. I don't think he should dispute it's a mug,

240. but you've got to cover yourself against these things, haven't you?

241. Come on!

242. Oh!

243. Right, tea.

244. To prove that it's a mug, we're going to have high tea from the mug.

245. I don't think I can imagine it's a mug until I see you...

246. Yeah, I'm going to drink the tea.

247. A lovely cup of British tea.

248. Thank you, Josh. Thanks for the tea. It's all right, mate.

249. Lovely.

250. I didn't get a box. He's got a wheel...

251. It's like a bloody B&Q warehouse when he's doing it!

252. You've just got to look.

253. I mean, golf balls, specialist mugs, construction set.

254. It's just an absolute... That is unbelievable!

255. I couldn't believe how much stuff there was there.

256. All of those things were available to you.

257. No, they weren't, mate. No, they weren't.

258. How far did Josh throw the teabag, first of all?

259. OK, well, the distance was 15 metres and ten centimetres.

260. Ooh!

261. Is it in a mug? That's up to you.

262. Josh, is your definition of a mug

263. anything with a handle Sellotaped to it?

264. No, my definition of a mug

265. is someone that can't find a box in that house.

266. OK, here's my judgment. Before we even see Tim, I'm disqualifying you.

267. Unbelievable.

268. But I'm not disqualifying you because a wheelbarrow isn't a mug -

269. I'm disqualifying you because you put the milk in first.

270. Alex, shall we see if Tim Key

271. entered the spirit of the competition?

272. OK, here is Mr Tim Key's attempt.

273. Well, I'd like a... I'd like a catapult.

274. But the other thing I want is one of those things

275. that you throw balls with, if you're a dog owner.

276. And also, sorry, can I get a tennis ball?

277. So I worry I'm not going to be accurate over, like, 50 metres.

278. So what I need to do in addition is build some kind of thing

279. with a sheet, which is like a, you know, like a cup funnel,

280. where if the ball hits, I just have to hit the sheet

281. and it will go into the cup.

282. Tim? You got a tennis ball?

283. Yeah, there's a tennis ball in there. Thank you?

284. YES!

285. That's good.

286. Incredible.

287. Now give us some facts and figures.

288. Well, it was a new world record.

289. Presumably. It was 23 metres and 87 centimetres.

290. Whoa! It was the first throw.

291. This is an open and shut case.

292. The winner of the first task tonight - Mr Tim Key.

293. So, Alex, you're in charge of the numbers, because of your character.

294. What are the scores? So it's exciting for me.

295. There is a three-way tie for the lead, as we can see here.

296. There are three on eight - Tim Key, Frank Skinner and Romesh.

297. Outstanding. What's next, Alex?

298. Sort of art exercise task. It's like Jazzercise with...

299. It's fine. It's here.

300. "Using this device to track your route..."

301. That device?

302. ".. create the best image for Taskmaster.

303. "You have one hour.

304. "Your time starts when you take your first step."

305. Pop a balloon to signal that you have finished your image.

306. What?

307. You're probably not the only person who's confused by this.

308. Alex, explain very clearly what this is about. Well, I'll try.

309. We gave the contestants a GPS tracking device,

310. so wherever they moved, there would be a little line following them.

311. It's a bit like Etch-A-Sketch, but on a larger scale. OK?

312. OK. Who do you want to see first? I'd like to see Josh first.

313. OK. Let's have a look at Josh.

314. This is a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be.

315. I'll tell you something for free.

316. That white line's not straight, judging by the satellite.

317. Someone needs to have a word with that groundsman.

318. You can't do much detail, that's what I've learned.

319. So I've slightly messed up and I may have to go into that person's house.

320. But great art comes at a cost, I've always heard.

321. Come on, colour in, you fucker. Yes!

322. I hate popping balloons.

323. POP!

324. Talk about redeeming yourself. It's absolutely incredible.

325. Oh, thank you, Greg.

326. Do you know how I would deliver that to you? Via wheelbarrow.

327. Who shall we see next? Roisin knows you slightly better,

328. so she chose to draw something that she thought you really liked.

329. Ah. OK?

330. Maybe I'll draw... a sausage.

331. Who doesn't like sausages? There's not enough pictures of sausages.

332. I'm at the point of no return here.

333. I've made a model of a pregnant lady.

334. Maybe that's what Greg's into.

335. Who doesn't like pregnant ladies?

336. He'd be hard-pushed to criticise that.

337. I'm just sort of Tracey Emin-ing it. Going with how I feel.

338. See what happens. Making some shapes.

339. I'm back.

340. I've decided it's a bunch of flowers. It's finished.

341. I mean, you've got to end somewhere. This is...

342. There's only so many times I can turn one drawing into another.

343. So it started off as a sausage, then you changed to bacon pretty quickly.

344. The high point, I think, was the pregnant lady.

345. You see the pregnant lady with a tail. That wasn't bad.

346. Then I tried to turn it into an angel...

347. Yeah, you went for the Angel of the North,

348. but it swiftly ended up as that.

349. And you're calling that a bunch of tulips.

350. It's a bunch of tulips. You made several errors there.

351. You said, "I'll turn it into a pregnant lady.

352. "He'd be hard-pushed to criticise that."

353. And I'm one of the few people in the world

354. who despises the pregnant community.

355. It's true. He's always going on about it.

356. Ooh, coming in here, taking up more than your fair share of space.

357. I hate to be the guy to break it to you,

358. but it's now time for the commercial break.

359. I'm so sorry.

360. Welcome back to Taskmaster, where nobody can quite believe

361. that Romesh has made his wedding ring available as a prize.

362. Are you putting your testicles into the next show?

363. Scripted joke.

364. I presume Tim Key, as a poet, will have some more artistic skills?

365. Tim's was sort of the stand-out performance

366. and I don't know if that's a good thing... yet.

367. What have the others drawn?

368. It's very bad conditions for art.

369. He seemed to cover a hell of a distance to me. Yeah.

370. He was the only person who did it for the whole hour

371. and he ran well over three miles.

372. It's a long painting.

373. What is it?

374. Well, firstly can I just say that's the worst hour of my life.

375. Secondly, I started off trying to draw a key.

376. Then I crossed it out.

377. And then I literally thought, well, I mean,

378. I've got half an hour - I may as well go for a run.

379. Frank completed his picture in eight minutes. Just so you know.

380. Do you want to see it? Yes.

381. OK, his and Romesh's are grouped together. This is them.

382. Think the goal's a slight problem.

383. Not gone the way I'd hoped early doors, I'll be honest with you.

384. This is a lot more difficult than I thought it was going to be.

385. That's all right.

386. I'm just going to have to make the best of this.

387. And the balloons aren't helping, by the way, just as a little tip.

388. This is just my rough draft.

389. Going to pop a balloon.

390. POP!

391. I've only gone and framed it, mate. Smashed it.

392. Got a flipping border on it, yeah?

393. POP!

394. What is it? It's actually my son's hobby horse.

395. Ah! Romesh? Incredibly accurate self-portrait, right?

396. I thought that you'd like a picture of me.

397. We've really got on on this show, haven't we?

398. Are those oblongs your ears?

399. That was supposed to be the frame of the picture.

400. Hold on - this isn't you in a cardboard box?

401. Don't applaud that!

402. It's not funny. You're celebrating the persecution

403. of one of the members of the show.

404. It was meant to be a dig at the homeless.

405. If we can just take them and the pregnant people down,

406. this'd be a better world, right?

407. Oh, I mean, it's a fatal mistake, Romesh.

408. It's a really good painting, but why on Earth do I want a picture of you?

409. It's absolutely fucking preposterous.

410. I'm going to score them in reverse order.

411. Obviously, sausage girl is last.

412. Have you seen Frank's?

413. That looks like a hobby horse.

414. It does look like a hobby horse.

415. Oh, come on! I've got tulips and the Angel of the North and...

416. Yours looks like a duck in a golf bag. Well...

417. Just to make it absolutely clear, if you'd have told me that

418. that was a drawing of a duck in a golf bag,

419. you'd be right at the top of the pile now.

420. Fourth, Frank. Third, Tim Key. I've no idea what it is, mate.

421. I was doing mine in a storm.

422. I should give you a bonus point for risking your life,

423. but I'm not going to.

424. Romesh, I don't want that, and I never want to see it again,

425. but I have to recognise it's actually a picture,

426. so I'm going to put you in second place.

427. And I'll thank you to give me a smile.

428. Yes, oh... Boop!

429. Now the party's started.

430. And the winner of that task, of course -

431. the only artist in the group -

432. the wonderful Mr Josh Widdicombe wins the task.

433. OK. Quick check on the scores, please, Alex Horne.

434. OK, so the top three. Romesh Ranganathan's in first place,

435. followed by Tim Key, then Frank Skinner.

436. Very exciting task next. Let's have a look.

437. Aye-aye.

438. Money.

439. Oh, my word. £20.

440. "Buy the best present for the Taskmaster.

441. "Here is £20.

442. "You have ten weeks.

443. "Your time starts now."

444. Hmm. I know exactly what to buy that goon.

445. So it doesn't say I have to buy it with the £20, does it?

446. So it could be, "Buy the best present for the Taskmaster..."

447. As in, like, a Jeep.

448. And then, "Here's £20."

449. I want you to know now that if any of them have bought me a Jeep,

450. they've definitely won. Yes!

451. Let's go. Tim... Yeah, but...

452. Can I have your lovely gift? Yeah, sure.

453. But I worry that, usually if you go first, it's the shittest one.

454. Yeah, I mean, that is generally the way this series has...

455. I'm quietly confident. What a small Jeep.

456. Could be, like, the keys for a Jeep, right?

457. Yeah, it could be. Thin keys.

458. That's your stage name, innit?

459. Used to be.

460. And he's bought me some national book tokens.

461. Let me guess - 20 quid's worth.

462. £16 worth.

463. The card was four.

464. No. No way is that a £4 card. That was four, yeah.

465. Thanks very much. You definitely haven't won.

466. Well, I'd like Frank's gift now, if that's all right?

467. Thank you very much.

468. Looks like a glasses case.

469. It is a glasses case.

470. Bam.

471. Cool.

472. Now, do you notice anything special?

473. Yeah. This.

474. Yeah, if that...

475. Oh, I CAN notice something special. Yes! Now it's happening.

476. These glasses have got wing mirrors on them.

477. Yes. You can... So I can see behind me.

478. They are see-behind-me sunglasses.

479. Oh, my God! I absolutely love them.

480. And the main use of them, of course, is I'll be able to see

481. if there's any of those bastard pregnant women behind me.

482. I mean, I can't believe they're going to get beaten.

483. I absolutely love them. Thank you very much.

484. Let's have a look at Romesh's.

485. Thanks, mate. Really hope you like it.

486. I commissioned this piece for you.

487. I mean, I don't know. I just genuinely don't know...

488. It's amazing.

489. So, Romesh, did you draw it while walking around a field?

490. What's with the duck feet?

491. I wanted to show that you were all-terrain. Like...

492. You got him the Jeep?

493. Sort of next best thing to a Jeep, I was about to say. Nice.

494. So, you know, you could handle any sort of situation,

495. even if there wasn't a box provided.

496. You'd be able to handle it like the legend you are.

497. It's really beautiful. Thanks, Romesh.

498. You're very welcome.

499. I think I'll have a look at Josh's gift next, please.

500. I've felt we've been getting on very well, Greg.

501. Yeah, I think it's gone all right.

502. I thought you'd worry that I'd forget you after this.

503. So... I've got a tattoo.

504. Can we see it?

505. Well, you could have gift-wrapped it.

506. I mean...

507. Is it real? It is, yeah.

508. Fuck me!

509. It's impossible to beat. Or is it?

510. Come forth.

511. OK. You have to open it very carefully.

512. It's something you said you wanted. You were drunk.

513. You said you were into them.

514. Oh! Uh-oh.

515. You've got to be kidding me!

516. That is an amazing present.

517. Cos it was only £17, I got you three scratchcards as well.

518. Watch and learn, Key.

519. Look, I've got my own mouse.

520. Aww!

521. He's also called Greg.

522. So, like, I've got a tattoo of his name.

523. Thank you very much. No worries.

524. But morally, we are encouraged not to give animals as presents.

525. Yeah, we are. Don't worry, I'm not keeping him.

526. Oh!

527. Obviously, the book tokens are last. Sorry, Romesh, yours is...

528. If you hadn't stuck duck's feet on me,

529. you would have been right up there.

530. That's coming in at fourth. Unbelievable.

531. I'll be using the sunglasses every day,

532. but they've got to come in third place.

533. I don't know what to do with you two. Yeah, I do.

534. Anyone who permanently inks themself up surely has to win this task.

535. Mr Josh Widdicombe.

536. Show me the next task.

537. Colouring pens. Old school. Fat ones.

538. Another day, another egg.

539. "Using only the items currently on this table,

540. "get this egg as high as possible.

541. "Highest wins. The egg must not break.

542. "You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now."

543. Get it as high as possible using these items?

544. So I've got colouring pens.

545. Well, why would I use pens?

546. A measuring tape. Scissors.

547. OK. I've just got paper and that's it? Sure you got everything?

548. Could have done with a box, really.

549. So, just to make it clear, they can't break the egg.

550. If they break the egg, they're disqualified? That's right.

551. One egg and get it as high as possible.

552. Yeah, let's have a look at Romesh.

553. Fuck!

554. I don't know what I'm doing.

555. I don't know what the hell to do.

556. Oh, bollocks!

557. Yeah? I make that 111.

558. Pfft! I'm not going to lie - I do think this has gone badly.

559. Let's get this straight. You're an ex-teacher. Yeah.

560. After 20 minutes, the aim being to get an egg as high as you can...

561. Yeah. ..you put an egg onto a ream of paper.

562. And pens. On the pens as well.

563. Oh, I'm sorry. And on top of the pens. Yes. How high did Romesh...?

564. One metre 11, cos of the pens. It would have been one metre 10.

565. That was more or less how mine came. It was exactly how yours came.

566. So he'd already got a head start.

567. If only there'd been a cardboard box somewhere.

568. There wasn't a box, man!

569. Let's have a look at somebody who's not going to come last.

570. OK, so... You're in the lead, Romesh. Where's Roisin?

571. Does it have to stay as high as possible

572. for a certain amount of time?

573. What are you thinking? Throw it up and catch it.

574. Surprise, surprise, Romesh - not last. Unbelievable.

575. If I'd caught it, it would have been a real success story.

576. Oh, God, you're right. Now I've heard your explanation,

577. I'm going to make you win this task.

578. I mean, honestly, this is going to sound a little bit harsh.

579. If it were up to me, you'd be kicked off the show for that.

580. Who's next? The poet, Tim Key? Ah, the poet and the egg.

581. Pfft! Oh, God.

582. That sort of thing. What's that?

583. A goose. I'm going to boil an egg.

584. Major Sellotape.

585. Argh! I hate crafts.

586. I'm going to have to go outside. That's promising. Two minutes.

587. Egg. Argh!

588. One minute 30. Shhhh!

589. Bollocks! Crap! Fuck off.

590. One minute ten. OK.

591. How long? 41 seconds.

592. How long? 26 seconds.

593. Argh!

594. Oh, God!

595. WHISTLE BLOWS

596. 20 seconds away. Yeah?

597. This round is turning into who can NOT break an egg in 20 minutes?

598. One of my problems was I didn't notice the saucepan

599. and the electric cooker on the table.

600. I'm really sorry you didn't see them.

601. Maybe I'll give you an extra point.

602. If you... I swear to God, man.

603. No, I'm just saying they clearly weren't on display.

604. And that's not fair, is it?

605. No, you're really pissing me off tonight. Like...

606. Who are we going to see next? The final two - Frank and Josh.

607. "Get this egg as high as possible."

608. It doesn't have to be at that height for very long.

609. Can I throw the egg in the air?

610. Just going to build a crash mat of paper.

611. Oh, hold on.

612. What if I wrap the egg several times in this paper?

613. Giving it a bit of protection, and then throw it really high?

614. I can't completely judge the trajectory.

615. I'll try and go straight up, straight down.

616. How long have I got left for it? Nine 41?

617. Five and a half minutes. OK.

618. So, yeah, the secret I think is to, when you catch it,

619. you go down with it so it doesn't crack.

620. You've one minute, Josh. One minute.

621. Ready? I'm really nervous.

622. No!

623. I'm sure you're all thinking the same thing as me.

624. I'm amazed I give a shit.

625. But it genuinely is quite tense, isn't it? Yes.

626. Yeah, so at this point, Josh's egg got to six metres 80.

627. Frank's got to eight metres. Frank's is higher.

628. So Frank is potentially going to clean up here.

629. Shall we see if the eggs broke? OK.

630. Ready?

631. No!

632. Oh. It's fine!

633. You all right, Frank? Never mind if I'm all right.

634. How did that not break?

635. Um... didn't work out.

636. Aww!

637. I was so confident. I couldn't see anything going wrong.

638. Aww!

639. Difficult to know what was sadder -

640. the image of you losing your eggy friend, or you falling over.

641. Like I said, years of playing cricket have stood me in good stead.

642. So it was a sort of minor miracle. Josh's egg...

643. I mean, I don't know why you threw it again.

644. No, I don't know. I got a kind of rush of blood to the head.

645. The thing with eggs, because they're borne by birds,

646. if they land on grass, they're designed not to break.

647. Is this why birds don't wrap them in paper?

648. I never thought I would be announcing this score.

649. Three people have failed the task.

650. Josh is obviously the winner, and against all natural odds,

651. in second place, Romesh Ranganathan.

652. Remember, later on, someone might be depriving Tim Key of a piston.

653. I know, right?

654. See you after the break for the final live action task.

655. Yes, I will.

656. Welcome back to the final part of this four-part Taskmaster story.

657. Alex, how are the scores looking?

658. Well, Frank's in third, Josh Widdicombe in second,

659. and Romesh Ranganathan's in first place.

660. And soon we will have a winner.

661. I would like Josh to read out the task, please.

662. "Stand up after 100 seconds."

663. Thank you, Josh. It was a lovely voice. Oh, thank you very much, Alex.

664. OK, just to be clear of the rules, you need to sit on your hands.

665. You must not look at your watch, Romesh.

666. Is it a vibrate watch? Pardon? No. Can I have your watch, please, mate?

667. What? Can I have your watch?

668. Take the man's watch. It's like a showbiz mugging.

669. Right, so it's very simple. Alex will blow his whistle.

670. You must work out in your head how long 100 seconds is,

671. and stand up when you think it's past.

672. Alex. BLOWS WHISTLE

673. Pretty exciting.

674. Tim, how many seconds do you think you're on at the moment? 35?

675. Alex, Romesh seems to me really nervous.

676. Is there anything you could give Romesh

677. that would sort of give him a little lift?

678. Cos look how nervous he looks. Ah, there, look.

679. That should give him a little...

680. It's gonna give him a boost.

681. It's not funny, man.

682. Josh, how many seconds do you think you're on at the moment?

683. One. One?

684. Bam! You idiot!

685. Oh, my God.

686. Someone has just jumped themselves into last place,

687. ladies and gentlemen.

688. What was it? You can't sit back down.

689. I'm not going to stand up. Is she having another go?

690. Up!

691. Widdicombe's gone.

692. I already went. Ooh!

693. Fuck you, man!

694. He's up. They're all up.

695. Exciting stuff. Alex, you work out who was the most accurate.

696. Everybody come down.

697. We'll add it to the final scores. We'll see how you did.

698. So, interestingly, Roisin stood up both first and last.

699. And was furthest outside of the 100 both times.

700. Wow! That's amazing. You were in last place twice.

701. Frank Skinner was the fourth closest. Oh, no!

702. These two were exactly the same.

703. Romesh and Tim both stood up about 12 seconds after 100 seconds.

704. Josh Widdicombe, five seconds after the 100 seconds.

705. He stood up on 105 seconds. Wow. Impressive.

706. Final scores are these.

707. Ooh! Nice.

708. A tie-break situation. How exciting.

709. Alex, I have no idea how we're going to resolve this.

710. We have a Taskmaster tie-breaker question. Oh.

711. So I'm going to ask you both a question. It's a number question.

712. Whichever of you is closest to the right answer, you're going to win, OK?

713. The question is, please give me Frank Skinner's age in minutes.

714. He's a maths teacher! What are the three options?

715. It's not multiple choice, mate.

716. OK, shall we go for it, Greg? Who do you want to ask first?

717. I want to ask Josh Widdicombe first.

718. Oh, I don't know.

719. It's really unfair that I have to go first.

720. Can't he go first? OK.

721. Romesh, I require you to guess first.

722. To save your wedding ring.

723. Can't he go first?

724. Absolutely not.

725. I don't know. About 150,000?

726. Well, that's embarrassing.

727. Just a bit higher. Like, 200,000.

728. So Frank Skinner is 30,505,028 minutes old.

729. Which means that Josh Widdicombe is the closest.

730. And so the former maths teacher loses his wedding ring.

731. The winner of the show today, ladies and gentlemen,

732. is Mr Josh Widdicombe.

733. Well done. That's all for today.

734. I've been the Taskmaster and this has been Taskmaster.

735. Thank you, Alex. Don't mention it.

736. You, Mr Widdicombe, may go and collect your prize.

737. Ladies and gentlemen, what a haul.

738. Josh Widdicombe!

739. And remember, when you have a handful of hope

740. and a heart full of sorrow, when all your dreams are in one basket,

741. but the chicken has flown the coop...

742. Join us next time on Taskmaster. Goodnight.

743. Oh! I imagine your wife's going to be genuinely upset, yeah?

744. It's not going to be a good night.