Taskmaster 1x2

1. Argh!

2. Hello. I'm Greg Davies.

3. This is Taskmaster, and I am the Taskmaster.

4. As well as a truly magnificent comedian, I'm also a human,

5. which means that, like all humans, I take pleasure

6. in watching people struggle to do simple things.

7. So, over the past few months, I've set a series of tricky tasks

8. to five seriously competitive comedians.

9. They have no idea how each other did, but they'll soon find out.

10. I shall be judging both what they did and how they did it.

11. My word is final. I like this role.

12. Let's meet the contestants now.

13. He's one in a million, as he's from Birmingham,

14. which has a population of one million. It's Frank Skinner.

15. Not true!

16. Secondly, a man whose hair and voice I still find surprising -

17. Josh Widdicombe.

18. She once dropped my by flat with two family packs of meatballs,

19. one of which she ate by herself - Roisin Conaty.

20. Next to her is a man who is as angry as his beard is thick -

21. Romesh Ranganathan.

22. And finally, he's been in Hollywood films,

23. but when I showed pictures of all of these people to my mother,

24. he was the one she didn't know - it's Tim Key.

25. And, as always, I'm helped and massaged

26. by my personal assistant, Alex Horne.

27. Alex, tell the good people about the first task. OK.

28. I think you're doing a very professional job, by the way.

29. Good. I'm sorry, is this... is this the banter?

30. Yes, that was the banter. Yeah, that was the banter. Very good.

31. What's the first task?

32. So the first task in this show is a prize task.

33. Each of the contestants have brought in

34. one of their own possessions for the prize haul.

35. And they're gonna be awarded points for their prizes,

36. depending on how impressed you are by them and their prizes.

37. This is all their actual stuff which is... It's unusual.

38. Well, that is one of the USPs of this show.

39. So this time, you've asked them to bring in their most impressive item.

40. Yeah, I did. So, Tim, let's start with you.

41. You need to impress me with the item you've brought in as a prize.

42. What did you bring me?

43. I brought a London Marathon participants' medal.

44. I completed the London Marathon.

45. In 2009, I ran the London Marathon.

46. I'm genuinely speechless! You did the London Marathon.

47. Why are you speechless? Well, I don't know.

48. We've known each other for a little while now

49. and I would have bet my life that you've never run the marathon.

50. That's like saying,

51. "I've known you for a while now and I think you're fat."

52. Great opener. Romesh, what have you brought?

53. I've brought in an Arsenal cap that was not only just worn by me,

54. but was also thrown from the Arsenal tour bus

55. in the celebrations following the 2001/2002 double.

56. It came from a player. I don't know which one.

57. Someone might have thrown it from the other side, just over the bus.

58. That's like he's just been told Father Christmas doesn't exist.

59. I mean, the bad news for you is I can't bear football.

60. When I'm King, it'll be banned. So it's not looking good. Roisin?

61. I have brought a bottle of champagne,

62. but it's not a normal bottle -

63. it's a massive bottle of champagne that has the quantity

64. of eight normal-size bottles of champagne in it. It's worth £550.

65. Woo!

66. Yeah. It's not what I'd call an achievement.

67. A giant amount of champagne. I drink an awful lot. I'm impressed.

68. Are you? You're not more impressed by that than by the Arsenal cap?

69. What, I'm not more impressed by that

70. than you catching someone's tossed-off hat?

71. Guys, I'm having a party round at mine today.

72. Oh, brilliant! What is it - a champagne party?

73. No, I've just got a hat.

74. But the category is not shit that would be great at a party.

75. It's most impressive. It's stuff that'll impress me.

76. Old pisshead here just got a massive bottle of champagne

77. and that's more impressive?

78. Who has a bottle of champagne that size?

79. You've obviously got a problem.

80. And that's being celebrated here.

81. I've got a hat from the winning team, mate.

82. Roisin, I'll tell you now - you're gonna beat Romesh's hat.

83. Josh Widdicombe.

84. This... I really don't wanna lose it as well,

85. but this represents the greatest achievement of my life.

86. It is the trophy I won when I won on Pointless.

87. Woo!

88. Wow!

89. The whole set-up for that

90. is just so that we know that Josh won Pointless. No!

91. And that's the whole reason he put that up there.

92. Is that because the celebrity of your hat's

93. been rather downgraded in the last ten minutes?

94. Josh, when you were on Pointless,

95. all the money you won went to charity, didn't it? Correct. Yeah.

96. Well done, mate. Thank you. Thank you.

97. This is bullshit, man!

98. And the only thing that you got from Pointless, the trophy... Yeah.

99. ..you're now giving that away as well. Yeah. Aw!

100. And do you know what?

101. If I wasn't giving it away, next time Arsenal won a trophy,

102. I'd go down, throw it over the bus and someone else could have it.

103. I'll bet you would.

104. Mr Skinner, what did you bring?

105. The only hat that really looks good on me

106. is the one that you get out of a cracker at Christmas -

107. you know, the paper crown.

108. And I put that on and I think, "I love this."

109. But you can't wear it all the year round.

110. The seam is unreliable.

111. Someone made me a leather cracker crown. There it is.

112. What you think, Alex? I think it's a really odd item.

113. Well, it's up to you. I'm just admin, so...

114. OK. Just thought I'd try and draw you in a bit.

115. No, I appreciate that, mate. Are you impressed? That's the...

116. Yeah, I think I am impressed. Think it's really nice.

117. If only you'd have tossed it over a bus.

118. Well, the most impressive thing to me, straight in there,

119. I'll tell you now, is that Tim Key run the Marathon.

120. Sort of a compliment, isn't it?

121. The second most impressive is the leather hat, then the champagne,

122. then the Pointless trophy, then the rubbish Arsenal hat.

123. It's done!

124. I got a "Woo!" I was the only one that got a "Woo!"

125. I know.

126. I feel like I've shafted you over, but it's too late now.

127. No, it's not. Because of that, Josh is angry and the league table...

128. Oh!

129. It was only Celebrity Pointless. Oh, what?

130. Honestly, this Arsenal hat's looking more and more attractive, mate.

131. You know we can change this?

132. Yeah, I think he's being very rude, if I'm being honest.

133. No, I'm only joking. It's rubbish.

134. A treasure trove of impressiveness up there.

135. At the end of the show, the one who triumphs over the task

136. will head up, look smug and then take all of those prizes home.

137. Time for a proper task. Alex.

138. Yes? Let's have one.

139. OK, then. Here it is.

140. Hello, Alex. Hello, Alex. Hello, Tim. Hello, chaps.

141. Feels like being Bond, but it's sort of shittier.

142. "High-five a 55-year-old. Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

143. It's really rude to go up to people, isn't it, and ask?

144. Ooh!

145. Ooh! What emotions were going through your mind

146. when you made that noise?

147. Well, as Josh intimated, it's quite difficult

148. to go up to someone and say, "Excuse me, are you 55?"

149. I'd sort of wrote off all the women in the shopping centre for a start.

150. It's a terrible chat-up line.

151. I also did think, does the average 55-year-old know what a high five is?

152. Or will they just think I'm a Nazi approaching them?

153. You've got your hand... Yeah, yeah.

154. Let's see how Romesh and the Nazi got on, shall we?

155. I'm looking for a 55-year-old. What do they look like? I don't know.

156. Excuse me, sir. Are you 55? No. What are you saying?

157. Well, how badly have I got it wrong? Seven years.

158. Oh, I'm so sorry. You look great, though, honestly.

159. What an insult that is.

160. I'm... I'm saying that to everyone.

161. I said it to a 12-year-old earlier, so don't...

162. I'm just trying my luck.

163. This is going badly. Really badly.

164. No, no, I'm... Younger. ..73.

165. Oh, what? You look fantastic.

166. Excuse me. You're not by any chance...? No, I'm not, no.

167. Could I do people that make up a 55-year-old?

168. You're 30 and you're...? 29.

169. Oh, I was really hoping you were gonna say 25.

170. I've got to high-five a 55-year-old.

171. I wondered if I could do it in two halves.

172. 20 quid if you're 55. 51?

173. I'm not gonna be here for four years.

174. It's not gonna work, sorry.

175. 27? Well I could high-five you now, and this gives me some option.

176. How old are you? 27. 27! That's 54.

177. Can I just high-five you anyway, and do the maths?

178. Cheers. Thanks very much.

179. If I got a one-year-old now...

180. Can I high-five a one-year-old?

181. Do you wanna do a high five? A little high five? Ping.

182. Lickle high five, just a lickle high five for Frankie?

183. Lickle high five?

184. No high five, no ice cream.

185. Please, please.

186. Here we go, Max and...

187. high five!

188. Two 27-year-olds and a one-year-old. I'm gonna claim that.

189. How old are you? 51. 50. Would you high-five me?

190. OK, I'm gonna give you 20 quid, to say thank you.

191. Thank you very much. Thank you.

192. Interesting flourish from the lady at the end.

193. Yeah, it was a bit creepy, that, man. Like, like...

194. Yeah, almost as creepy

195. as threatening to take a baby's ice cream off them.

196. I was desperate by that stage.

197. I don't know whether to allow Frank Skinner the points.

198. There's no way you can, mate.

199. I think inventiveness should be seen as an additional thing

200. rather than a minus thing.

201. But if I said I was going out with a 54-year-old,

202. and then I turned up with two 27-year-olds...

203. I'd go, "Legend!"

204. Actually, that'd be better.

205. What I found interesting is once you'd made your rubbish sign,

206. you were also almost totally emotionless.

207. Well, well...

208. It was almost like you'd been hypnotised by your own sign.

209. To be honest with you, when I'd done the sign,

210. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself.

211. And I just thought all I need to do is just stand here,

212. and the 55-year-olds are gonna come rolling in.

213. I don't know, Frank.

214. I'm gonna have to mull on it a bit more.

215. I don't know whether I can allow your Frankenstein 55-year-olds.

216. Isn't it better to be inventive than to just pay people?

217. No, it's much better to chase down a one-year-old

218. and take away their ice cream. You're absolutely right.

219. They got it back. I'm so sorry, Mother Teresa.

220. Tell me the times.

221. Well, Romesh high-fived a 50-year-old after an hour.

222. OK. Wow!

223. I mean, Jesus Christ.

224. I thought you'd only stood catatonic with a shit sign for ten minutes.

225. No, it's an hour.

226. An hour, then you found a 50-year-old? And then he gave up.

227. How long did it take Frank to bend the rules?

228. He created a 55-year-old after 12 minutes and 44 seconds.

229. Wow.

230. I'm afraid we have to stop here and have a break,

231. but we'll conclude this story soon.

232. Welcome back. Hope you had an excellent break.

233. We certainly did.

234. Well, look, we'd better move on. What about Mr Tim Key?

235. Yeah, we have Tim Key's progress... just here.

236. Let's see how you got on.

237. Excuse me.

238. I'm doing a... shooting a TV show for Comic Relief.

239. Is it possible to high-five you? Sure. Thank you. And how old are you?

240. 55.

241. I'm done!

242. Phenomenal, right?

243. I mean, that was...

244. Yeah, obviously there's an issue. We'll deal with that.

245. You are beyond the pale!

246. And everyone's applauding. Well done.

247. Pretending it's for Comic Relief. Oh, we love you, Tim.

248. You should be ashamed of yourself.

249. Just remind me, Alex - what is Comic Relief? What do they do?

250. They do a lot of charitable work. They help people in need.

251. It's great to get their name out, isn't it?

252. Let's see how Roisin got on.

253. OK, so Roisin had a different approach to Tim.

254. Roisin was straight in there.

255. I've grouped her with Josh, because they were both pretty fast.

256. Excuse me, sir. How old are you? Do you mind me asking?

257. 44. OK, you're too young, sorry.

258. How am I gonna do this?

259. Excuse me, sir, can I ask how old you are?

260. This is just my worst nightmare.

261. Excuse me, madam. You're not 55? No. No worries. Thank you.

262. You're not 55, are you? I'm 60.

263. Oh! Well, it's a compliment.

264. What are you thinking?

265. I'm thinking I could be insulting some people here.

266. Excuse me, madam. I've got a very quick question.

267. You're not in your 50s, are you? I'm afraid I am.

268. OK, you're not 55, are you? No, I'm older than that, I'm afraid.

269. Oh, God, you look very young! Well done.

270. So neither of you are 55, are you?

271. And a bit more. And a bit more? Yeah. Thanks for your honesty.

272. I've got to high-five someone who's 55 and you're not 55.

273. I'm 60. You're 60? No.

274. This lady's 55, aren't you? Are you 55? Yeah.

275. Can I give you a high five? There we go.

276. Done?

277. You're 55? Please, please.

278. I just have to get you to high-five me.

279. Done it! You're welcome. Thank you so much.

280. Fair and square.

281. I mean, to the untrained eye, it sort of looked like

282. you cuffed a person in a wheelchair there.

283. Your sign was way better than Romesh's, I thought. Yeah.

284. I put a bit of colour in it and I didn't offer money,

285. like I was trying to buy someone.

286. Roisin was the first person who sort of recognised

287. that it is embarrassing to be asked your age.

288. There was lots of apologising.

289. She was very friendly, she was very polite and she was very quick.

290. She came in at six minutes and 12 seconds.

291. GREG WHISTLES

292. Six minutes and 12 seconds.

293. Didn't hit a disabled person, didn't use a charity.

294. What was Josh's time?

295. Josh, three minutes 18 seconds. Jesus Christ!

296. And Tim Key, four minutes 29. So Josh... Four minutes 29.

297. Josh was the quickest.

298. Josh was the quickest, Tim was second quickest.

299. It's depending whether you want to factor in any of the charity lying.

300. To be fair to Key, on the card, it didn't specify that you...

301. Oh, no, it didn't specify, "Don't use a charity as a lie."

302. It didn't specify, "Don't punch an old woman in the face either."

303. So the only way to make it right is for Tim Key

304. to pledge something to Comic Relief, right?

305. Yeah, fine. How much? £185.

306. £185. Where's that come from?

307. It feels right. It feels right.

308. It's not too much, but it's quite a lot of money.

309. At the moment, you're gonna take four juicy points home.

310. You're in second place. I'm gonna drop you down to third

311. unless you give £185 to Comic Relief. Yes or no?

312. OK. How much to go back up to one?

313. No way! Shut up. Shut up, Josh! Don't point at me!

314. I'd never even thought of that.

315. Look at the way you're sitting! I always sit like this!

316. What could I get for £500?

317. How much for first?

318. 12 and half grand.

319. Ooh, you sod!

320. Take it or leave it.

321. Hold it. Can I buy second?

322. In fact, I think I'll buy first.

323. What was it - 12 and a half grand? I've probably got that on me.

324. I feel like we're choosing who's gonna host the next World Cup!

325. He's gonna go down a place for mentioning charity. Roisin's second.

326. The winner of that task is Mr Josh Widdicombe, ladies and gentlemen.

327. It's all very interesting, but we have to have a break now. Goodbye.

328. Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five highly-paid comedians

329. are fighting over a leather party hat.

330. Alex, how are the scores looking?

331. Pretty good. I've updated the scoreboard.

332. We can see it up there.

333. At the moment, in first place, it's still Tim Key, despite the issues.

334. GREG WHISTLES

335. Tight. Very tight.

336. So, Alex, what does the next task involve?

337. It involves our friend, everyone's friend, pastry.

338. I like it so far.

339. SHE CHUCKLES

340. Well! It's a lot of pie.

341. Before I even open the envelope, I'm not happy with this.

342. But anyway, here we go.

343. "Identify the contents of these pies.

344. "You may touch the pies.

345. "But you may not breach their pastry." What?

346. It's impossible, mate.

347. Lot of pie!

348. Good impression.

349. Someone's trying to get a catchphrase.

350. You've gone into every task and said that.

351. This is the first time it's made sense.

352. Who do you want to see first of all?

353. Actually, I'll see how the old master Frank Skinner did.

354. The master did it like this.

355. Warm. I wasn't expecting that.

356. Oh, this one's cold.

357. Can I say, I haven't done any breaching here,

358. but what I can see through it, I think I can see a sliver of onion,

359. which makes me think maybe steak and onion for this one.

360. This is a mighty pie. It's saying cheese to me.

361. I'm thinking cheese and potato, steak and onion.

362. I'm thinking steak and ale for that one.

363. I'm thinking steak and kidney for this at the moment.

364. And this one, I do think steak and ale.

365. I mean I've written steak three times.

366. This one, because it's got a seed topping,

367. I think this is a vegetarian pie.

368. I think it's sweet potato and leek.

369. My feeling is, Frank,

370. that you were hoping to sense the contents of the pies.

371. Yes. Yes, I took a psychic approach.

372. Sort of a pie whisperer? Yes.

373. Shall we see some more?

374. Yeah, these are the results of what was actually in the pies.

375. OK, so this is the one that I think is steak and kidney.

376. Actually, it's got a picture in it of the Taskmaster.

377. That would have taken some surmising.

378. Right, OK.

379. Well, I said cheese and potato, but the way it's going,

380. it could be Scandinavia.

381. Oh. This looks like steak and kidney.

382. Steak pie. This one I thought was steak and onion.

383. There's something really hard in this one.

384. It's... it's frozen peas.

385. This one should be steak and ale.

386. Yeah, this is actually not easy to pick up with a knife and fork.

387. Marbles.

388. That was very wrong.

389. You know, I've gone a bit normal on my guesses.

390. You appeared to be under the impression

391. that all pies have steak in them.

392. Except for the one that did have steak in them.

393. That was the only one he... Did he not get that one right?

394. But you know when they laboratory-test Uri Geller,

395. and he says, "The conditions aren't right for my powers tonight?"

396. That's how it felt.

397. Everything said to me you'd got some proper pies.

398. I mean, marbles and a picture of you.

399. Let's move on from the steak whisperer, can we? OK. Who's next?

400. We're gonna look at Romesh and Josh,

401. who were slightly more detective-like.

402. This seems absurd. It seems utterly impossible.

403. I'm not a pie expert, I'm gonna be honest with you.

404. I don't really... I've had pies in the past -

405. I'm not saying I'm a pie virgin, but...

406. OK, I'm gonna try smelling.

407. I can't tell anything.

408. OK, I'm gonna try the other ones.

409. It's a very pastry smell.

410. It's got black seeds on it. It's got quite a big top.

411. I think this has had the bottom cut out of it.

412. OK, so I'm thinking these have been made specially.

413. Very heavy. You can see...

414. Ah, mate, come on!

415. That looks like, to me, it looks like a marble, and it's heavy.

416. So that's what I'm going with for that. Glass marbles.

417. This is hot. That's marbles.

418. So, you squeeze the pies.

419. If that isn't marbles and it's, like, cheese and potato,

420. I'm gonna look like an absolute idiot.

421. This is really light. Nothing.

422. OK, well I can see that one...

423. Smashed that one - didn't breach it. Frozen peas, mate.

424. Boom!

425. This is a heavy pie.

426. I think that's pie. I think the contents is pie.

427. Smells beery or something.

428. Looks like to me that's a standard steak and kidney.

429. Smashed it, mate.

430. Really impressive.

431. You're not a pie expert? It would appear you are.

432. Some really great detective work from both men, I thought.

433. Thank you. Rather than just sensing the contents.

434. I don't wanna quibble... You're gonna, though.

435. Yeah. You know you can't breach the pies? Yeah.

436. He sort of breached them with his eyes. Oh, Jesus Christ!

437. I've just got a lazy eye, Roisin, all right? You don't have to...

438. It's just the thing I've had since I was a kid.

439. You don't have to go on about it.

440. What do you mean, he was doing it with his eye?

441. It's not the fucking X-Files.

442. There was holes in the pies and he looked into the pies.

443. Well, what...? That's a breach.

444. If it was a security building, I would say it's a breach.

445. So if you look through someone's window,

446. you've burgled them, have you?

447. No. But he definitely breached something.

448. But clearly you're not meant to look inside? And it's rude to...

449. Thank you. Well, what else are you meant to do?

450. I don't know, Josh!

451. Take them to an airport, walk through security and say,

452. "What was in those pies?" It's a thought. Wish I'd done that now.

453. Or just go, "Could you tell me what's in this pie?

454. "It's for Comic Relief."

455. Yeah. You wanna see a breach? This is a breach.

456. Oh, that was unintentional.

457. Pastry breached. Well, that's unfair.

458. Peas.

459. But there's a slight element of cream there.

460. Ah... it's a toothpaste pie.

461. Oh, my... That is... Oh, my God!

462. That is horrible.

463. Oh! The bottom's fallen. The bottom's fallen off.

464. I think you can describe it as breached.

465. I didn't deliberately...

466. All right, I would describe that as a breached pie.

467. Well, I don't care what you'd describe it as.

468. It's an accident, so I'm gonna carry on.

469. Oh, my, I've still got...

470. What is...?

471. That's horrible.

472. I can't believe it.

473. They're breached.

474. I admit, obviously, that is a breach when it breaks.

475. I admitted that. I held my hands up. I didn't try and cover it up.

476. That's a scandal. You did! You said "peas" straight after.

477. No, I said, "Peace. Let's all move on."

478. I don't know why you're just giving up like this, mate.

479. I didn't breach that. You breached it, man.

480. Sure you breached it.

481. Before you went into the room, that pie wasn't breached.

482. When you left the room, the pie had been breached.

483. There were other people in the room.

484. What - the cameraman breached the pie?

485. Maybe he did - who knows?

486. We've just seen a film of you breaching the fucking pie!

487. It's all right. It's OK. Sorry, mate, but...

488. I don't think you breached the pie. The bottom dropped out of it.

489. I lifted the pie. It's not got sufficient structural integrity.

490. That's not my fault. Frank didn't breach the pies.

491. Mystic Frank over there? I'm not gonna take his strategy...

492. Hold it! I'm sticking up for you. You see how he turns!

493. Frank just sensed the pie... So why didn't you do that, Romesh?

494. Because it ended up being dog shit.

495. No offence, Frank. I didn't get that pie! No offence, Frank.

496. But you would've thought that dog shit was steak, to be fair.

497. But I just lifted the pie out and the pie...

498. It wasn't put together properly.

499. I've got some bad news for you, cos later tonight,

500. I'm gonna be reversing my car through your front room window.

501. Let's hope the house has been built properly.

502. I'm slightly worried. If they were this het-up about that breaching,

503. the next two, I mean, they're gonna be furious. Oh, my God!

504. Are you a breacher? After all this?

505. After we sat there and she said, "He breached it with his eyes."

506. What have you done? What have you done now?

507. "That is technically a breach! I'm disgusted!"

508. Guys! Guys. If you've breached it, I swear I'm gonna chair you!

509. Chill out! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

510. And if that chair breaks, bad workmanship, right?

511. Guys. Papa don't breach.

512. Can we see another one?

513. Well, this is Tim and Roisin together.

514. Can you breach the pastry for me?

515. If I asked you to, like, punch that, would you do it?

516. Yes, I could punch the pie. Just straight down?

517. Just like.

518. There's something in there. There's a picture in there.

519. No!

520. What about if you taste it and based on your reaction,

521. I decide what pie you're eating?

522. I haven't broken the rules.

523. Shall we give it a go? Yes.

524. That looks like it's way better than you thought it was gonna be,

525. so I'm gonna go with steak.

526. Smells nice. I think you'll enjoy that one. Do you?

527. RATTLE!

528. Jesus!

529. Oh, it's got kidney in it, doesn't it?

530. Through your face, show me how you'd feel

531. if you had to eat the whole lot of that pie.

532. Oh, Jesus, it's kidney pie.

533. That's a help. That feels like it's beef pie.

534. I can try to unscrew it. Yeah, unscrew it, yeah.

535. Well, that one's marbles.

536. Punch that one and then I'll write something down. Ready? Yep.

537. Toothpaste.

538. You don't look like you're having a nice time.

539. And that makes me think that's not a nice-time pie.

540. Milk... milk pie?

541. I think... I'm gonna go with a milk pie.

542. Did you enjoy the pies?

543. It wasn't a nice-time pie, no.

544. Which I think is a possible new catchphrase

545. to replace "whole lot of pie" - "nice-time pie".

546. I'm intrigued by you in this, Rois,

547. because you had a similar idea to Tim,

548. in that you realised you couldn't breach the pie,

549. but someone else could.

550. But then you sabotaged yourself by moving away from Alex

551. and not looking while he bit into the pies!

552. Why were you inventing your own hurdles?

553. I thought, "If I can see his face eating the pies,

554. "then I'll be able to guess."

555. And then about ten minutes after we'd finished it,

556. I thought, "I could have just got him to smash the pies."

557. But I enjoyed watching him eat the pies.

558. Well, it was a nice-time pie.

559. Tim, amazing. Straight in. Bam! Read the small print.

560. What is even the point? Oh, shut up, man.

561. What's the problem with this?

562. I didn't know I could've just said, "Can you open the pies for me?"

563. It's up to Greg. How is that...?

564. It said, "You can't breach the pie." It didn't say no-one else can.

565. You cannot breach the pie. It doesn't say "you lot".

566. This is bullshit, man. Utter bullshit.

567. I asked Alex if he could do it for me and he said no,

568. because Tim is his better friend.

569. Did you say that? Well, it's true, but I didn't say that.

570. It's true. Well, I tell you this, Tim Key wins that task.

571. Simple as that. Bam! What?

572. It's over. Tim Key - the winner, ladies and gentlemen.

573. Even after this whole competition is over,

574. Frank still didn't know what the toothpaste pie was.

575. Would you like to see it?

576. Oh, my God! Milk pie.

577. Is this a real pie or something you've put together?

578. Is that yoghurt pie?

579. Oh, you're eating it.

580. Well, it tastes just exactly like mint, like an Extra Strong Mint pie.

581. But it looks like Tippex. Is it mint Tippex pie?

582. Even if you cut open each pie,

583. you still may not have known what was in any of the pies.

584. It just never occurred to me for a second, toothpaste.

585. Clearly.

586. Alex, how are the scores looking?

587. Right now, pleasingly, they're all on odd numbers,

588. and the top two are Roisin Conaty and Tim Key.

589. The next task is here.

590. "Do something that will look impressive in reverse.

591. "The Taskmaster will see whatever act you perform played backwards.

592. "You must therefore do something backwards

593. "that will look impressive when the footage is played in reverse."

594. If I jump off a cliff, I'd jump onto the top of a cliff.

595. Is that what you're thinking? No.

596. So I'm gonna do something backwards?

597. I've got an idea and it involves water.

598. I was just on my way to the toilet, I think, there.

599. Off for a nice-time pie, were you?

600. I'm looking forward to seeing these films. Who's first?

601. I think it would be nice to see Josh Widdicombe.

602. O Fortuna by Carl Orff

603. Incredible.

604. You weren't playing it in reverse.

605. Wait till you see that backwards, mate.

606. You said it was the most exciting thing you'd ever done.

607. No, I didn't!

608. What a life you've lead.

609. Which, in reality, is being pulled backwards on a skateboard.

610. Did I say that? Yeah, you did say it, yeah. Yeah, I stand by it.

611. That's brilliant. Let's have a look at another.

612. OK, I've put Tim Key next. Ah, lovely.

613. Different approach - more cerebral.

614. CLOCK TICKS

615. Very nice. There's an obvious question.

616. Why MILF?

617. It's film backwards.

618. It isn't.

619. It was a jaunty little piece. No, I enjoyed it.

620. It was good. Who's next?

621. Frank. Frank next. It's called Push-Up And Away.

622. DRUM ROLL

623. MARCHING BAND PLAYS

624. Just a simple story of one man's strength.

625. I thought, seeing it now, it's quite poor.

626. When I'd only seen that...

627. When I'd only seen me doing it, I thought,

628. well, there's no way anyone will get anywhere near this.

629. And now I've watched it, I'm just embarrassed.

630. It was shit.

631. Jesus, Frank! Come on, mate. You're doing all right.

632. What with this and the toothpaste...

633. This is the worst night of my life.

634. You mean the minty Tippex, right? Yeah, the minty Tippex pie.

635. Minty Tippex! Let's move on.

636. Do you want to see Roisin's? Yes, I do. OK, here is Roisin.

637. I don't know where to start. It was so genuinely beautiful.

638. That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

639. Thanks, guys. What's the significance of the wolf?

640. They're thirsty.

641. I thought it was a stand-alone beautiful piece. Who's next?

642. The final one is called Tree Wizard

643. and it's by Mr Romesh Ranganathan.

644. Sounds like we're in for something else pretty moving.

645. Well, it wasn't profound, was it?

646. Are you all right, mate?

647. Do you know how long it took me to find that song?

648. I thought it was brilliant, mate. Thank you.

649. I thought it was absolutely incredible.

650. There - straight compliment. Thank you.

651. I think, with each one you show, mine gets worse.

652. It's become apparent that this reverse film thing,

653. it's a young man's game.

654. Frank, I'm gonna put in fourth place, even though I...

655. Fifth place. Oh, whoa!

656. Oh, I thought for a moment

657. someone had mentioned Comic Relief in there.

658. Put above that Tim Key.

659. It was a jaunty little piece, but it was just a guy making a jigsaw.

660. Above that, a powerful statement about technology -

661. it's gonna be Josh Widdicombe.

662. And I cannot separate the two masterpieces

663. that I'm putting in first place.

664. Roisin and Romesh - our winners for this one.

665. Join us for the final part of Taskmaster,

666. where all five comedians will be participating in one final task,

667. here on the stage, fully naked.

668. Welcome back to the final section of Taskmaster,

669. where all five our comedians

670. are desperate to take home Roisin's massive bottle of champagne.

671. Who has the most hope at this stage?

672. Well, the top three, Josh has 13 points,

673. Tim Key and Rosin Conaty both have 16 points.

674. You will have noticed

675. that our comedians are currently shackled to a bench.

676. I did that.

677. Frank Skinner, would you please read out the final task?

678. "Crack the code, unshackle yourself and sprint one metre. Fastest wins."

679. I like the fact that I had to add "Fastest wins".

680. A lot of people would have just guessed that. Are you ready?

681. Is there no clues? How many possibilities are there?

682. It's 10,000, but in the Olympics, you don't get a clue.

683. Like, you just have to... This isn't in the Olympics.

684. Not yet. Not yet. Thank you, Frank.

685. There may be clues as we move on. Let's see. This is a farce!

686. Your time starts... We're off.

687. He's got a plan, he's got a plan. He's trying 0001.

688. It's gonna go up. All the way. Yeah.

689. Oh, fuck this, I'm just gambling.

690. Alex Horne, can I have a clue? A clue. Oh, yeah.

691. The first two digits are my weight.

692. In what? In what? Exactly. Numbers. In numbers.

693. Thank you, Tim.

694. In... stone. Stone.

695. Oh, for Christ's sake. Alex's weight in stone...

696. 14? I don't think so.

697. Can you give us the second clue?

698. The second one is a two-digit number between 0 and 99.

699. Yes! What do you think the second one will be?

700. Is it your weight, Greg? It is my weight in stone.

701. So I was 13 stone. They all got that.

702. Greg? Yeah.

703. What do you weigh?

704. Is it Greg's weight or was that some sort of a...?

705. Ah!

706. Burst through it! Burst through it!

707. Yes!

708. No!

709. It's now a race for last place between Tim Key and Frank Skinner.

710. Yes!

711. Is this gonna be shown backwards?

712. He's not more... He is more than 20 stone. No! He's more than 20 stone?

713. Yes, he is. Yeah.

714. Join me back on the floor.

715. Let's find out how those have affected the final scores.

716. OK, Alex, can you just confirm who won that task?

717. Roisin burst through the line first.

718. There was a bit of skulduggery.

719. Tim and Josh both looked at her cracked code.

720. But there's nothing wrong with that, necessarily. Classic Tim!

721. Josh did that one as well.

722. I know. I can't believe you've enticed me to the dark side.

723. OK, here we go. It's time for the final scores.

724. Alex? Yes, Greg? Tell us the final scores.

725. OK, the final scores. As you can see,

726. Roisin Conaty is this week's winner.

727. Congratulations, Roisin - a powerful victory. How do you feel?

728. Like a hero.

729. Fine. Thank you to all our wonderful contestants.

730. Thank you to Alex Horne, half the man I am.

731. And congratulations, Roisin -

732. you may now go and collect your wonderful prizes.

733. Ladies and gentlemen, this week's winner - Roisin Conaty!

734. That's it for this week.

735. And remember, if you try and lose, then it isn't your fault.

736. But if you don't try and we lose, then it's all your fault.

737. I don't know what that means. Goodnight.