Taskmaster 15x9

1. Brace! Brace! I'm bracing.

2. CRASH!

3. This program me contains strong language and adult humour

4. No, no, no!

5. No!

6. Agh!

7. Hello!

8. Whoo! Yes!

9. Welcome to Taskmaster with me,

10. your taskmaster Greg Davies.

11. Oh, you can feel it, can't you?

12. That end-of-series atmosphere.

13. Things are getting tense as we go into this penultimate episode

14. with several of our competitors jostling for the coveted top spot

15. that will lead them into the Taskmaster history books.

16. Also, Ivo Graham is here.

17. It's at testing times like this that our competitors might look

18. to the wisdom of those that have trodden life's rocky path before.

19. I remember only too well the wisdom my own grandmother

20. gave me the day before a big swimming contest.

21. I wrote it down immediately,

22. and I hope it will inspire our brave competitors tonight. She said,

23. "I can't feel my legs.

24. "Don't just stand there, boy.

25. "Call someone. Do something."

26. Worth thinking about, isn't it?

27. Please shout hello with your hands to Frankie Boyle...

28. Ivo Graham!

29. Jenny Eclair!

30. Kiell Smith-Bynoe!

31. And Mae Martin!

32. And next to me, a man who drunkenly confessed that, until the age of 14,

33. he thought that his penis was an 11th finger

34. to be used for putting stamps onto letters.

35. It's little Alex Horne!

36. I used to send a lot of letters as a child.

37. I'll bet you did!

38. May I ask for a prize task, please?

39. You may indeed, you mighty steed.

40. This time, they've all brought in what they believe

41. to be the sneakiest thing.

42. Greg will hand over five points to the thing he thinks is sneakiest,

43. and then the sneaky winner of the show will sneak home

44. with five sneaky things.

45. Hello, Jenny Eclair. Hello, Greg. Hello, Alex.

46. What sneaky thing have you snuck in?

47. To represent sneakiness, I have bought in a mask.

48. Well, this is the mask that Jenny has brought in.

49. Oh-oh. Yeah.

50. I mean, honestly, how you're going to sell this to me as sneaky

51. is a mystery to me.

52. What's behind the mask?

53. It's her own book. Yeah.

54. This came out and it didn't really get the publicity

55. I felt it deserved.

56. So I thought if I could sneak it on a program me...

57. and they'll all buy it!

58. Jenny, I take it all back.

59. You are one sneaky snake.

60. Hey, Frankie, what have you brought in? I've brought in a book.

61. It's a children's book called Orlando The Marmalade Cat.

62. Here it is. It has a virtue

63. in that it would send my children, when they were little,

64. straight to sleep.

65. But what I found was they were quite resistant

66. to Orlando, the marmalade cat, being brought out.

67. They learned that it was essentially chloroform.

68. And thus, I got an artist friend to knock up a fake cover,

69. which was this...

70. And what I would do is I'd start to improvise some of Harry Potter

71. in The Kung Fu Death Cult,

72. and then I would gradually go into the soothing rhythms

73. of Orlando's Seaside Holiday.

74. Lovely work. Oh, God. Yeah. So far... Unusually good.

75. those are both great prizes.

76. Oh-oh, Ivo.

77. Oh, dear. I've got some great news for you.

78. It's another book, and it's the sneakiest book of them all.

79. It's the English dictionary.

80. Here it is. Sneaky.

81. What a fickle mistress our language is.

82. What I'm interested in, Ivo, and I suspect you know this,

83. is how you define that book as sneaky.

84. Well, let's open it up and find out.

85. Oh, my goodness!

86. It's not a book. It's a box.

87. What's in the book?

88. Because I know that you're missing the dictionary, Greg.

89. So, just for you, I've chucked in...

90. Here we go.

91. the smallest dictionary in the world.

92. Are you excited to have Pearson's Miniature Dictionary in your pocket?

93. Oh, God! I wouldn't say I'm in any way excited.

94. Hello, Mae! Hi. Can you beat a sneaky dictionary?

95. I hope so, yeah.

96. Yes, I think that the sneakiest thing is a knock-knock joke.

97. This is what Mae's brought in.

98. OK, so...

99. What if you didn't realise

100. but you already know the answer to the knock-knock joke?

101. Because part of it is currently in one of your breast pockets.

102. Have a look, Greg. Oh, dear.

103. It says "Mae". That's not the full answer.

104. What if, without knowing it,

105. Kiell also had part of the answer on his person?

106. Look in your pocket, Kiell.

107. Other one!

108. This one.

109. "Pinhead".

110. That's my nickname.

111. Ivo, have a look in your pocket as well. I get to be part of it!

112. Oh, I've got it.

113. OK? Martin.

114. So why Martin's there... Mae, Pinhead, Martin.

115. I didn't think hard about the joke itself.

116. It was more about, like, the delivery of the joke.

117. That was sneaky.

118. I also got Alex's wife to mail me two of his socks.

119. Double sneak!

120. That's very weird.

121. Kiell, the heat is on.

122. It is, isn't it? Yeah.

123. There's been a lot of literature, all written,

124. and they couldn't be written without this.

125. It's a pen. Do you recognise that pen?

126. I do not.

127. Do you recognise this?

128. Oh, yes.

129. Yeah, I signed that. You signed this? Yeah.

130. They told me that Tseikna had passed a test of some kind! Yeah.

131. Oh, that is good.

132. But that's not all.

133. Because when you signed this, you said...

134. Who's this character? Well done for your five points.

135. Yeah.

136. And that was recorded on that pen.

137. It's a spy pen.

138. God! AUl I'm thinking was, how long was it in the room?

139. But that's not all!

140. Because the name Tseikna Ensgith is an anagram

141. of "sneakiest thing".

142. Wow.

143. Wow!

144. This is impossible to judge.

145. And yet...

146. Ivo's is the best. We can agree on that, can't we?

147. Yes.

148. I think we should give him two points. OK. OK.

149. I can't differentiate between Mae, Jenny and Frankie

150. is the truth of it. So how many points for that?

151. I'm going to give them four points.

152. And anyone who does a three-tier sneak on me deserves the five.

153. There we go. Five points to Kiell!

154. Good stuff.

155. Please can we watch a nice little film, Alex?

156. Oh, go on, then, you big brute.

157. This is a nice, messy team one.

158. Hello.

159. Hello, team. Hi. Hello.

160. There are three spots.

161. You must each go to a spot, please.

162. Speedy of me.

163. I wanted to read the task.

164. I don't mind who goes where.

165. And how did you make that decision?

166. Frank started walking. It was too late.

167. Make these things the same colour as those things.

168. People on bottles must stay on their spots at all times.

169. You may perform ten bottle stamps...

170. and two bottles squeezes.

171. Best colour matches wins.

172. You have ten minutes.

173. Your time starts now.

174. What are we allowed to move?

175. I have this.

176. The easel's allowed to move.

177. Frisbee me the easel, old chap.

178. OK. This is quite key.

179. OK.

180. So you're aiming for this.

181. I'm really glad I didn't go over there. Yeah.

182. Well, it's... it's quite the sentence,

183. "Frisbee me the easel, old chap.”

184. It's a palette. It's a palette.

185. If that's the worst thing about this task, I'm happy.

186. Just to be clear, the plan is to load it up with paint

187. and then to throw it back.

188. That is the plan.

189. We've got that carnage to look forward to, then.

190. Shall we crack on? OK. Well, here are the three-ers.

191. I can see the aubergine, potato at the back. And then mango's easy.

192. Red and green. Well, shall we not start with the potato?

193. We should start with the potato. OK. Cos that is white and yellow.

194. White and yellow. OK, Jenny, why don't you try the yellow first?

195. OK. How many minutes have we got for this? You've got eight left.

196. Oh, God, no. Go, go, go! OK.

197. That's white!

198. Oh, no, they have the wrong colour.

199. OK, they've screwed us over. You wanted some white.

200. You did want some white. That's rude. OK, there's blue in this.

201. This is yellow. OK, do yellow, Kiell.

202. Yellow. OK. You ready? Are you doing your stamp? Yeah.

203. Fucking brilliant.

204. OK, three, two, one.

205. Nice one. Nice one. You've got enough on the palate.

206. Great. That's potato. You're doing beautifully.

207. What's the middle one? It's mango. Which is red and green.

208. Red and green. This is black, I think.

209. Let's just get another colour going.

210. If I give you some blue, then you can make some green. Great.

211. I'm hoping this is blue.

212. Ready?

213. So sorry.

214. We've only got one squeeze left. This is it.

215. Yes. Great.

216. OK. All right, red's coming.

217. Some red coming.

218. That's it.

219. Yeah. That's enough red for the mango.

220. Right. You've got one and a half minutes.

221. I need, like, black.

222. Black coming to you? Yeah.

223. We've got, like, 30 seconds.

224. You ready for this?

225. It's coming. It's there.

226. Why am I so shit at this?

227. Oh, shit. We got some yellow on the mango.

228. WHISTLE BLOWS

229. Well done, Mae.

230. Sometimes in Taskmaster, I find that you hear lines

231. that belong somewhere else.

232. And Jenny did a line that belonged in an action thriller film

233. when she realised it was the wrong colour and went,

234. "Huh! They screwed us over!"

235. Overall, I thought teamwork was genuinely touching.

236. It was good. Mae at one point said,

237. "Guys, we need to think about the potato.”

238. That's the end of part one.

239. If you have a child under ten, you've just got time to go

240. and wake them up and say you've had a bad dream before screaming,

241. "There! How do you like it?

242. "Good luck concentrating at school tomorrow!

243. "PS, I've wet myself."

244. Hello!

245. No, it can't be. It is.

246. It's the start of part two,

247. and the current team task involves matching colours with paints

248. and vegetables and fruits and things like that.

249. They're trying to match the colours of an aubergine, a potato

250. and a mango by mixing paints,

251. only the paints have to travel to the painter first.

252. Just the team of two to go. Let's see how they got on.

253. Frankie? Yes?

254. Are you sure there's nothing we're.. like...?

255. No.

256. Ooh!

257. Paint them white!

258. It says the same colours.

259. Do you really think if we paint those white,

260. that will be not a colour? Have you see the show?

261. It's a show about pedantry.

262. So you could just put two colours on there.

263. We'll paint that and those. Brilliant.

264. A compromise between our two methods. Right.

265. So one long squeeze of yellow.

266. One squeeze of red.

267. It's white.

268. That's one squeeze.

269. It's white.

270. Duh...

271. That's...

272. It's the same absence of colour.

273. Well, you're stamping now. Stamp me a couple of colours.

274. But that's... Not white. It's not colour.

275. That's one stamp.

276. We need a lot more. Just stamp right on it.

277. Stamp on it.

278. That's an absence of a colour as well.

279. No, don't do that. We can use the blue.

280. Yeah. So I'm starting again on this side.

281. Right.

282. FRANKIE GUFFAWS

283. You happy with that?

284. I'm pretty happy.

285. Right, wing it to me, baby.

286. Don't mess this because I can't get off this thing.

287. I think I'm near the end of my stamps.

288. You've got two left. Ah, OK.

289. Where was the mask when I was stamping into my own face?

290. Just leap. Leap with your heels.

291. Leap?

292. You've still got one more stamp.

293. Just do it better.

294. I don't think that helped.

295. WHISTLE BLOWS

296. That's the end of your time.

297. So, you probably wouldn't describe yourself as a natural stamper?

298. No. I thought you got better at it.

299. I thought that you learnt the art of stamping during this task.

300. Can I just say, I think his stamp improved after I said,

301. "Pretend it's your father.”

302. The task was just make these things the same colour as those things.

303. So to make them all the same colour is very clever...

304. Very clever. .. if they could pull it off. Yeah.

305. Shall we have a look at them, then? I cannot wait. OK.

306. So the team of three tried to make the white items

307. look like the original items, and that's what they did.

308. That is so good.

309. This is the team of 2's attempt.

310. Oh! Oh...

311. But again, both quite good.

312. Really good.

313. Smaller team, wetter conditions.

314. Better outside-the-box thinking.

315. Give us some fucking points.

316. Didn't Ivo come off his circle?

317. Didn't Jenny take more than two squeezes?

318. I don't think so.

319. Yeah, there were one too many squeezes.

320. And Ivo did step off the spot.

321. Right, so I could disqualify them both

322. and there'll be no points all round.

323. Or because there was a mistake on both teams, we can overlook it.

324. I'm happy that they cancel each other out.

325. I think that's fair enough.

326. It's not up to me.

327. SHE MOUTHS

328. That's right, Jenny.

329. That's right.

330. Five points to everyone.

331. They all win!

332. I've got the scores for you. It's so exciting.

333. Ivo's on 7, and then three people on 9, and Kiell on 10 points.

334. Ooh!

335. Ooh!

336. OK. What have we got next?

337. Well, we've got another team task.

338. Not really, no. It's prize task time.

339. No, it isn't. Twice there, I was having a big laugh

340. about what's next in the show.

341. But it's actually time for us all to learn some valuable lessons.

342. Who's that?

343. It's me.

344. Oh, two envelopes. Mm-hm.

345. A little theatre, perhaps.

346. Markers. Chalks. Felt tips.

347. Oh, a sudden rush of blood to my groin at the sight of those.

348. Lovely.

349. Shall I read them both? No.

350. Oh, just pick one? No.

351. No.

352. Which one do you want to read?

353. That one. Correct. Yeah.

354. Put three single-digit numbers in the slots,

355. then open the second task.

356. A two going in there. Lovely, mm-hm.

357. Can I read this? Mm-hm. OK.

358. Deliver a one-minute lecture about the year you selected.

359. Hmm.

360. Your lecture must start in 15 minutes from now.

361. Most informative lecture wins.

362. You may not leave the lab.

363. Ivo, you selected the year... 1125.

364. 1123.

365. Oh, it's the year 1500.

366. Of course there was a one in front of it!

367. Shit!

368. Fuck! Why did I do that?

369. 1417 - what was going on then?

370. Presumably Hastings is recovering from a big war.

371. It's 500 years after the Battle of Hastings.

372. Ish!

373. Oh, God. Oh, now I'm going into foetal position now

374. because this is so awful. 1642.

375. It's not... Pangea?

376. Pardon? You know, when all the Earth was just one chunk.

377. Oh, I see. Right. Yeah. No, no, no. No.

378. You've written "germs".

379. Yeah. I'm trying to write down a list of things

380. that people didn't know in 1417.

381. Right.

382. So...

383. Witches. When were witches?

384. I just need to go to the loo. Can I just go to the loo?

385. Not allowed to go to the loo. Can't I go to the loo?

386. I've started a period.

387. I've started a period, Alex.

388. Jesus died... we think ground zero.

389. Was Huw Edwards about then?

390. The Sword in the stone. Excalibur! Merlin.

391. WHISTLE BLOWS

392. It seems to me at this stage that the only historical event

393. that anyone here is aware of is 1066.

394. Can I just point out that Ivo and I have a really similar year?

395. And Ivo went to Eton, and I spent high school on acid.

396. I didn't go to high school!

397. Odd to look at our two outfits and think that you're the acid one!

398. Yeah.

399. OK. First up to the lectern are Dr Graham and Doc Martin.

400. Your minute starts on the whistle.

401. WHISTLE BLOWS

402. 1123. The year is not 1124 or 1122.

403. Rome has fallen.

404. "This is medieval!"

405. Something you could shout at literally any point in 1125.

406. Who? William I, the Conqueror - dead.

407. But his son or relative, William 11,

408. William Rufus, I think is king.

409. BUZZER Christianity sweeps Europe.

410. We're talking monotheism, baby.

411. When? 1145, What? fighting illness.

412. Why? Life hard. Death frequent. Tension constant.

413. We're very far from the Renaissance.

414. Monks - some are bald.

415. The UK... I didn't include Ireland

416. because I was mainly focused on this. I'm sorry.

417. The main threat was from France. Constant threat.

418. 1123 - numerically - 1+1+2+3=7.

419. Seventh letter the alphabet - G.

420. G - God, aka, what I said before,

421. Christianity sweeping Europe

422. because Rome has fallen.

423. WHISTLE BLOWS

424. I've also done on my own family tree to put myself into the story.

425. I'm one of three.

426. My parents. Ran slightly out of time.

427. Oh, no, I'm inbred.

428. WHISTLE BLOWS

429. There's some stuff in there.

430. Yeah, there's some stuff in there.

431. I wonder if any of it's true.

432. Thanks for having me again. Thanks, Ivo.

433. Well done. Well done.

434. When I was a kid, the BBC would play Open University films,

435. and it was always some eccentric professor sort of rabbiting on

436. about something that, as a child, you didn't understand,

437. and I was taken right back there, Ivo. Yes.

438. We had a historian called Dan Jones to verify your facts.

439. Right up to whether he's inbred?

440. You said that everyone could shout "medieval”.

441. That was your opening gambit. Yeah.

442. Yes. 1125 was medieval, from our perspective.

443. But could you shout it in 11257

444. No, because the concept is a product of the Reformation.

445. Oh, come on Dan Jones, give me a break!

446. You will not speak over the historian's words.

447. Dan Jones is a piece of shit.

448. Can you get money back from Eton?

449. I didn't know you'd been on my dad's search history.

450. Mae did all right.

451. Monotheism was the name of the game everywhere. It was.

452. But that was the very broad point that Mae made.

453. Rome is dead, Christianity swept the world

454. are the only two facts I ticked off.

455. And then you did some spurious maths equation.

456. I have a beautiful mind.

457. OK. Now to experts on the classic years 1417 and 1500.

458. It's Frankie and Kiell.

459. Welcome to my lecture on Britain in 14... 17!

460. 1500... or so.

461. What do we know about Britain then?

462. We don't know who the king was.

463. All we know is that he was some sort of brutal English bastard.

464. Things they didn't know about then

465. include germs, atomic theory, radio waves, central heating,

466. the rapture and tobacco.

467. It was a good year for farmers.

468. Britain, as a concept, didn't fully exist yet

469. and we didn't have a sense of British identity.

470. Water...

471. wasn't invented in 1500s but used in the 1500s.

472. Yes!

473. That is what happened in 1417!

474. 10 seconds left. Is that real? What?

475. That's like... Um... 1500 -

476. there was a lot going on, there was witches... they came later.

477. What they do have in the 1500s

478. that they still have now is, like, dogs and people and huts.

479. That's a minute.

480. Was that a real minute?

481. I had so much prepared.

482. I think it was pretty informative.

483. Some of it was true.

484. Fine, Frankie. Thank you.

485. Yeah. Did Frankie tell us anything that happened in 14177

486. I mean, the man forgot his year as he started.

487. Dan Jones might think differently.

488. Dan agrees there was no fully formed sense of British identity

489. at the time. Yep.

490. And Frankie's summary list of stuff we didn't know about in Britain

491. is largely correct. Largely correct! Yes.

492. Kiel}, I think you're going to clean up on this. Yeah, same.

493. We don't even need to ask Dan whether there were dogs,

494. people and huts.

495. Let's zoom in on - water hadn't been invented yet,

496. but it was being used.

497. Dan says the water thing is unarguable.

498. I've never heard it put like that before, though.

499. OK, it's the end of part two. While we pause and reflect,

500. pour your partner another glass of wine.

501. The drunker you get them, the less chance they'll make it to bed,

502. and you can star-fish in a snore-free environment at last!

503. My God, that wedding day is a blip in your rear-view mirror, isn't it?

504. Hello again! It's part three of Taskmaster

505. and it's about time we continued our education.

506. There's only one person left to deliver their one-minute lesson.

507. One minute on the year 1642.

508. Here is Jenny's minute.

509. Hello. Hello. Hello, everybody.

510. It's a joy to be at the campus this afternoon to spend some time

511. with you all. So I'd like to begin the lecture today by writing 1642.

512. Now, does anybody in the audience

513. know what the significance of this date 1642 is?

514. It's a time of turmoil.

515. It's a time of conflict, it's a time of weather

516. and it's a time of women

517. really not having the kind of underwear that we have today.

518. We have little pants, don't we?

519. And bras. I think men might have been wearing the codpiece,

520. but we're not concentrating on them at the moment.

521. You see, this is what they didn't have.

522. Women didn't have that. They didn't have the pill either.

523. And they didn't have Ryvita.

524. Quite often, you know, depending on your budget and stuff like that,

525. people liked to have swans in 1642.

526. That's a swan now.

527. But in 1642, they were slightly different.

528. They were more like that.

529. So, does anybody have any questions?

530. Was that a minute? Roughly, yeah.

531. Do you want me to blow my whistle? Yes, please.

532. WHISTLE BLOWS

533. Thanks, Jenny. Thank you very much. Great work.

534. Five minutes, 29 seconds.

535. I tried to stop you, but it was not possible.

536. What did Dan have to say about Jenny's long, LONG lecture?

537. Well, Dan says, "I'm not an expert on women's underwear,

538. "but I did a quick Google.”

539. Yeah. She's about right on the women's underwear.

540. Codpiece - you're wrong. The heyday of the codpiece had finished

541. about 50 years previously. Oh, my God.

542. That's one of your only facts.

543. I can't speak to the history of Ryvita,

544. but Jenny's point does feel plausible.

545. Shall I give some points out?

546. I'm awarding points according to how many actual facts there were.

547. In Jenny's, there were two facts,

548. but you spoke for one week.

549. Kiell had minus one fact.

550. But because I enjoyed both your lectures,

551. despite them being clearly horse shit,

552. I'm going to give you two points each. Congratulations.

553. Two to Jenny, two to Kiell.

554. We think it Mae actually said one fact. Great.

555. Three points to Mae. OK?

556. Frankie had two facts.

557. So he gets four points!

558. Look how happy he is!

559. And at the top of the tree,

560. it's Professor Graham with five sweet points.

561. Well done, Ivo Graham.

562. OK, task me rotten, Alex.

563. Ooh. I will. Right now,

564. get ready for some serious perforation, Greg.

565. Hi, Frankie. Wotcher.

566. There's quite a lot of bird shit.

567. Hello. Al right?

568. OK.

569. Make exactly 99 holes in this piece of paper.

570. Your holes must have a... diameter of at least three millimetres.

571. And form a recognisable picture or pattern.

572. If you make more or fewer than 99 holes, you are disqualified.

573. Hmm.

574. Also, if you look at Alex or speak to Alex at any point,

575. you are disqualified.

576. Fastest wins.

577. Your time starts now.

578. That's a sneaky little trick of yours - no speaking to you,

579. no looking at you. Hmm. Cos it's quite a simple task.

580. Just make 99 holes as fast as possible. Of course.

581. But they're used to speaking and looking at you.

582. So people are going to fall at that hurdle, even sneaky little boy.

583. Well, maybe they won't. Maybe they will.

584. Do you want to see? Yeah. OK.

585. I know someone who's been looking forward to seeing this one,

586. and it's you, Mae Martin.

587. I can't look at you or speak to you.

588. Ah-ha.

589. What's going on here?

590. I shouldn't use brute force on...

591. I looked at you.

592. Well, you're still looking at me, in a way.

593. Well, what do you want to do?

594. I don't know. I'm disqualified.

595. I'm so sorry to my parents.

596. Goodbye.

597. Goodbye.

598. It's so sweet that you can feel that sympathetic

599. but, as my auntie used to say, Mae shat in the milk.

600. Within seconds they looked at me,

601. and we looked at each other and I was happy, and you were sad.

602. Yeah.

603. It's happening now. I'm lost in your eyes right now.

604. I can't look away.

605. Maybe every single one of these people have made the same mistake.

606. Wouldn't that be great? Oh, that would amazing.

607. What if there's worst mistakes?

608. Did you actually shit in some milk?

609. Who are we going to see now, Alex? OK, well, I'm very excited

610. to announce an incredibly special guest.

611. It's one of the biggest reality stars in the world.

612. It's Kylie Jenner...

613. No, sorry, it's Kiell and Jenny.

614. Now...

615. Are you OK?

616. Kiell?

617. Do you understand all the rules? I understand all the rules...

618. BUZZER what? What?

619. That's not fair.

620. Oh, no, no, no.

621. I was being polite.

622. I'm not stopping. I'm doing this.

623. I don't care.

624. Oh, this is mean.

625. That was the meanest thing I've ever heard anybody do.

626. BUZZER Nasty, nasty trickery.

627. Why are you taking your shoe off?

628. I'm going to use my... this. BUZZER

629. I've got weak hands.

630. Right.

631. 10.

632. 40. Hang on.

633. 80. 16.

634. 96.

635. You all right?

636. 20...

637. Am I allowed to use anything that's in this area? Absolutely.

638. BUZZER

639. What's this paper made out of?

640. Who are you asking that to?

641. SHE GRUNTS

642. Better than a shoelace? Yeah. Good.

643. BUZZER

644. This piece of paper?

645. I'm just going to write shit.

646. Right. About me?

647. Yeah. BUZZER

648. Shall I stop the clock?

649. I've stopped the clock.

650. You can look at me if you want.

651. I'm not really talking to you.

652. There - 99,

653. Right, I've stopped the clock.

654. That's a lovely pattern.

655. These don't count, and that should not be counted.

656. Thank you very much indeed.

657. You're joking!

658. You delight me, Kiell, you have across the whole series

659. by how angry Alex's little nerdy little traps make you.

660. You cannot write on this paper on a piece of paper.

661. I don't think that was a sneaky trick.

662. There was an enormous piece of green paper.

663. You're joking?

664. Jenny, why did you carry on when you knew that you'd been disqualified?

665. I thought I might enjoy the task.

666. She did the holes very well.

667. She doubled up the paper, which is very clever, quite quick.

668. Yeah. And she did 109 holes.

669. What was Kiell's hole count?

670. 99.

671. Yeah, he definitely never looked at me.

672. And, well, he barely spoke to me during the whole process, so... yeah.

673. Yeah, I mean, let's put it out there.

674. Kiell does not like Alex!

675. It's the end of part three.

676. Join us again for the last part of the show, when one lucky winner

677. will take home a knock-knock joke and a pen. Whoo!

678. Hello!

679. Welcome back to Taskmaster, it's the last part of show nine.

680. There is still a task to finish, though, and in it

681. they have to puncture 99 holes in a piece of paper

682. in a recognisable picture or pattern

683. and, most importantly, they can't look at or speak to me.

684. Two left - Frankie and Ivo.

685. This golf tee seems an early fave.

686. Ah.

687. Do be careful.

688. This hole punch - certainly not to be sniffed at.

689. what number are we on?

690. And what does that first hole represent?

691. I am focusing on my job.

692. Happy with the tools?

693. Frankie?

694. 18... 19... Positively demonic.

695. 20, 21.

696. That must be about, what, 657847

697. 26, 27. I've lost count. One, two, three, four...

698. 727387647

699. Shall I stop the clock?

700. Check it again. Exactly 997 Yes. And that's my face.

701. I've stopped the clock.

702. But I sensed that Ivo's way of dissipating

703. the irritation and stress that Alex was trying to cause

704. was just to keep talking.

705. Block him out with my own miserable internal monologue.

706. And it was very effective.

707. Frankie's was different, and it was to absorb it all

708. to the point where I genuinely thought

709. that you might throw those scissors at him.

710. But both men did a lovely drawing. Lovely drawings,

711. consisting of 99 holes exactly, each of them. Whoa. Yeah.

712. And fast. Kiell was 11 minutes 47,

713. cos he didn't see the enormous piece of paper.

714. No, they're the bad ones. They're not the good ones.

715. Frankie - five minutes 51.

716. Oh. Much, much quicker.

717. Ivo - five minutes and nine seconds.

718. Impressive stuff. Wow.

719. How did I do?

720. You were very, very quick - 15 seconds.

721. There's only one question, I think, with one of them,

722. which I want to play a clip to get your judgment on.

723. Oh, yeah, sure. Have a look at this and see if anyone's broken a rule.

724. 22. 23,

725. It's got to be a recognisable picture. 24. You'll recognize...

726. BUZZER You, plural,

727. will recognise it at home.

728. 25, 26, 27. I've lost count.

729. It's cruel as it is undeniable.

730. You just couldn't shut the fuck up, could you, Ivo?

731. Which means it zero points to Ivo, as well as Mae and Jenny.

732. Four to Kiell, but five to Frankie Boyle.

733. A last look at the scores before I launch them one by one

734. onto the stage. Quite right, too.

735. Yes, it's turned it into a bit of a two-horse race,

736. which is between Kiell and Frankie, who's in the lead with 18 points.

737. OK. Please head up to the stage for the final task of the show!

738. Hello, young fellow, my lad.

739. Hello, mate.

740. Who will be reading the task out?

741. My favourite one, Kiell.

742. Whoa! Ohh. I'm trying to win him back.

743. No chance, mate. No?

744. Combine two of your things

745. to equal the height of the thing said by Greg.

746. You may not use any of your things twice.

747. Worst guess each round is eliminated.

748. So they've got 30 seconds to combine two things

749. to equal the height of what, Greg, in round one?

750. Reese Witherspoon! Have a look at your paddles.

751. Combine two things to be the height of Reese Witherspoon.

752. Remember, you don't need to show us or squat.

753. WHISTLE BLOWS

754. No changing. Thank you.

755. So you may now exchange your paddles for the objects.

756. Over or through the gaps. Fine.

757. She's ever so tall!

758. Would you like me to get Reese Witherspoon out? I really would.

759. I think Jenny's going to be disappointed.

760. Here she comes. Right. Ohh!

761. So how tall is Reese Witherspoon?

762. Reese is a little bit smaller than a chicken standing on a cello.

763. She's about the same as the chicken sitting on a cello.

764. So I'm going to compare it to the...

765. What is that?a traffic cone on a cello. Let's have a look.

766. The difference in centimetres is...

767. 49cm! All right.

768. I thought she might be wearing heels!

769. 49cm to beat.

770. Great game. She's 27cm taller than

771. a chicken standing on a space hopper.

772. We've lost Jenny Eclair!

773. Is that my present? An old lady chair?

774. Yes.

775. Like in the chemist.

776. Next up, Greg is...?

777. The Taskmaster's inside leg.

778. Off you go.

779. Three, two, one.

780. Yes.

781. I had have gone for that.

782. Oh, dear.

783. OK...

784. That's an interesting association.

785. What we were looking for, of course, is a meerkat on a space hopper.

786. We haven't got that. We've got four warthogs.

787. Well, here is the inner leg.

788. The slit goes all the way to the right there.

789. That's where he is compared to me.

790. No, I think we've found our loser. Yeah.

791. That means we have lost Frankie Boyle.

792. Unlucky, Frankie. So sorry, Frankie.

793. What's round three, Greg?

794. Alpaca.

795. It is an adult male alpaca, please.

796. WHISTLE BLOWS

797. OK. Swap away.

798. Ohh!

799. Interesting. Oh-oh-oh!

800. They look taller in the advert.

801. Let's get out an alpaca and see how he compares to that.

802. Out you pop! Here he is.

803. Oh!

804. Oh, he's big. He's big. He's a big one.

805. Oh, what a big lad. I think we know who's safe.

806. Congratulations, Ivo. You've made it to the final.

807. Yes. Well done.

808. So it's a tie-break to see who gets through to the final.

809. All you've got to do in the tie-break

810. is write on the back of your meerkat

811. how tall do you think a meerkat and a traffic cone is,

812. combined, in centimetres. Closest guess wins.

813. You've got ten seconds.

814. Have you finished?

815. Kiell, what is your answer?

816. 90.

817. OK. What's your answer, Mae?

818. I put 84.

819. The correct answer is 108 centimetres.

820. Kiell's in the final. Well done, Kiell!

821. All right. So it's the final.

822. Looking forward to the final, guys?

823. Well, I've only got one paddle left,

824. so I assume there's a thrilling twist.

825. The last item is, Greg?

826. Yoda.

827. Exchange your paddle for the thing you think

828. is the same height as Yoda.

829. Ah, I dunno.

830. Is Yoda the same height as a space hopper or a standing-up chicken?

831. I genuinely don't know.

832. He's not tall. No, he's little. We know that.

833. Short...

834. Here he is.

835. It's still...

836. It's still close. I can't tell.

837. Oh, it is close.

838. Or this.

839. We have a 9cm difference and an 11cm difference.

840. We have a winner!

841. Right, we'll add those up and add them to your final scores.

842. Come and join me.

843. Well, now. Well, now, Greg.

844. So in the task, Jenny, of course, one point,

845. two to Frankie, three to Mae,

846. four to Ivo, five to Kiell Smith-Bynoe.

847. Well done.

848. Yeah.

849. Very good. Very good.

850. And with one episode to go, it's tightened things up.

851. It's a two-horse race for the overall winner.

852. There is now seven points separating Mae and Kiell.

853. It's exciting.

854. And this episode, it's his third win in a row.

855. Once more, the winner is Kiell Smith-Bynoe!

856. Kiell Smith-Bynoe wins!

857. Please sneak up to slip away with your sneaky win!

858. So... what have we learned today?

859. You may think you know someone, your friends, your family,

860. but everyone is capable of being sneaky.

861. Even me.

862. Open your mouth.

863. Jenny Eclair's new book is out now.

864. Just one sweet final to go,

865. but just one sweet winner tonight,

866. and that person was Kiell Smith-Bynoe!