Taskmaster 15x8

1. Brace, brace! I'm bracing!

2. This program me contains strong language and adult humour

3. Hmm!

4. No, no, no, no!

5. No!

6. Ahh!

7. What?

8. Hello! Hello, everyone. Hello.

9. I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

10. It's funny what counts as entertainment these days.

11. We see people clamouring for true crime stories,

12. and anyone can start a podcast and chat about socks or whatever,

13. but what happened to the good old-fashioned tradition

14. of humiliating people?

15. As a young man,

16. my father regularly pulled my trousers down at public events...

17. and I always found it funny,

18. even during the backlash at my grandmother's funeral.

19. Can we please get back to wholesome fun? Can we?

20. It's a complicated world, guys, let's pull together.

21. Let's identify the victims, and all pile on.

22. Boop-boop! Oh, here comes the victim train now.

23. Please welcome Frankie Boyle,

24. Ivo Graham,

25. Jenny Eclair,

26. Kiell Smith-Bynoe,

27. and Mae Martin.

28. And next to me, a man who told me his father

29. has only ever given him one Christmas present in his life,

30. a beautifully wrapped piece of Welsh slate

31. that had one solitary word engraved upon it.

32. That word? Toad.

33. It's... HIGH-PITCHED:. little Alex Horne!

34. Hi, Dad.

35. Hello, everyone.

36. Well. What have you got for me?

37. Well, I've invented a new feature for the show. Oh!

38. It's called Taskmaster Karaoke. Yes.

39. Yes. So, all you've got to do

40. is turn down the volume of your TVs and turn on the subtitles

41. and then you can speak along with the show.

42. I think you can do this with any TV show.

43. I think it's a really good idea.

44. It's really good. I don't know, it might be fun.

45. It's a really good thing. Yeah! It might be fun, it might catch on.

46. I do it with the news.

47. And, uh, is all well with the world?

48. Shall we begin with the prize task?

49. Yes, we have to, because that's the format

50. and we're simply the eye candy, Greg. Let's go.

51. This week they've been asked to bring in

52. the best thing you take everywhere with you

53. but struggle to fit in your bag.

54. Best ill-fitting thing wins five points

55. and the best winner of the show takes them all home

56. in a skip-sized bag, Greg.

57. Right, first up, Frankie.

58. It's a struggle because I do take it everywhere.

59. This photograph of when I was doing a gig

60. and my son wandered onstage to tell a joke.

61. He's 6'1" now but he, uh,

62. had a uniquely penetrating voice as a child

63. and I took him to the Scotland women's football game.

64. The women's football, they all have their hair up in some fashion,

65. it's all scrunched up in some way,

66. and he had a look around and went,

67. "There's a lot of tight buns out there."

68. Quite the voice he had on him.

69. Quite the voice,

70. and he was going to tell a joke which, little did that crowd know,

71. would have been at an astonishing volume

72. but he didn't, I didn't let him.

73. Do you know what the joke was that he had planned?

74. He was simply going to say the word, "Yellow."

75. How big is it? Don't look that big.

76. Hmm, it's not that big but I have quite a small bag.

77. Ivo, what did you bring in?

78. I'm going to, unusually,

79. follow Frankie down a sentimental route. Hmm.

80. I've had very few points for LOLs-based prize tasks,

81. so here's some goddamn feeling.

82. You sound like a psychopath.

83. I've brought in one of several puzzles that I do

84. with my daughter, who is three.

85. Here it is.

86. My daughter and I will occasionally have to kill half an hour

87. between nursery and ballet, for example.

88. Nursery for her, ballet for you? That's exactly it.

89. Obviously, the box is an absolute faff,

90. so what I've taken to doing is pouring out the pieces of the puzzle

91. and, while this is very useful for compact packing,

92. it does mean that occasionally I've just got random pieces of

93. dismembered horse just rolling around the bottom of my bag.

94. I think I enjoyed it. Thanks. OK.

95. Jenny, what have you brought in that's massive and you carry around?

96. I get very tired, Greg, I don't know about you. Oh, God.

97. But you know when... You have no idea.

98. Most of the time I just want to lie down,

99. so it's an inflatable bed.

100. Yeah.

101. It's a small double. It's a small double!

102. I think the fact that you carry a bed round with you is insane.

103. Have you ever considered that that's maybe why you're tired?

104. David Schwimmer always sleeps on an inflatable bed.

105. Even at home?

106. Why does David Schwimmer sleep in an inflatable bed?

107. It's... it's... it"'s a guess.

108. Very good. Kiell. GD.

109. Can you beat these three?

110. Well, I mean, mine's the same as Jenny's.

111. A folding chair.

112. Do you carry it around with you, really?

113. Occasionally. Yeah!

114. I saw a make-up artist do it once, and I was like, "That's sick.”

115. Would it help if I told you that

116. Matthew Perry always sits on a folding chair?

117. I think that's true.

118. One left. OK. It's up to you to save this, Mae.

119. It's not going to happen.

120. Whatever it is, I can't wait to hear about Jennifer Aniston using it.

121. What I bring around everywhere is a very fine...

122. .. whisky. A very fine whh-isky.

123. Yeah. Do continue.

124. Uh, in a flask. We can have a look at it. Here it is.

125. This is the reason I wish I'd gone before Frankie,

126. because I also have a very small bag,

127. and I have also, like, a really tiny wallet.

128. Tiny phone.

129. When Frankie said, "Oh, I've got a really small bag,"

130. you went, "Arrggh!"

131. Did you see my face?

132. Yeah, it was exactly the same as Kiell's face

133. when Jenny brought out the bed which was better than the chair.

134. How's a bed better than a chair? Bigger, better.

135. Wait, no. Yeah.

136. Because you can sit down in public, right? Oh, yeah.

137. I can lie down in public, love, nothing's going to stop me.

138. Why is your photograph of a child better than a bed, Frankie?

139. Who gives a fuck?

140. I mean, unbelievably I'm going to give the bed five points. Yeah!

141. Well done, that's five points to Jenny.

142. Don't look at me, Kiell. You don't even carry that.

143. You don't even carry that bloody thing anywhere.

144. I mean, I do like that Mae made an effort.

145. OK. You know, they put a joke together but it's not a great one.

146. If you want to hear a good joke...

147. Yellow!

148. Even though these prizes have been rubbish... Right.

149. let's start the show on a high-scoring, uplifting...

150. Why not? OK. Why not?

151. Let's say Jenny gets five,

152. and everyone else gets four. Why not?

153. Well done, everyone.

154. We're off.

155. Do you have a fruit-based task to start us off today, please?

156. Would've thought so.

157. Ready and... fetch!

158. Ah. Hi. Hello. Welcome to the club.

159. Oh, thank you so much.

160. Hello, Alex. Hmm, and you are?

161. Ivo Graham.

162. Ah, yes, your name is down, you can come in.

163. You may not leave.

164. I may not leave? But you may go anywhere in that direction.

165. This is the opposite of when I go to clubs.

166. Trapped in VIP. Not a bad life.

167. I'm getting an intense whiff of kind of... sewage.

168. Yeah. Anyway. Unless it's you?

169. "Pile the pineapples on the path."

170. "Pile the pineapples on the path.”

171. "You must not get wet.”

172. "Most pineapples piled on the path wins."

173. "You have 15 minutes. Your time...

174. ".. starts...

175. ".now."

176. This is the path? That's the path.

177. That's a couple of pineapples. How many pineapples?

178. Hmm. There's the big gold pineapple,

179. there's a real pineapple,

180. there's a sort of little lampshade,

181. there's an inflatable pineapple.

182. I don't really know what's on the inflatable pineapple but...

183. Oh, but it's clearly a candyfloss pineapple.

184. It's a candyfloss pineapple.

185. And then, well, then there's a tin

186. which I reckon has got some pineapples in.

187. Correct. Chunks.

188. OK, smelly bouncer, let's see them retrieve some pineapples. All right, then.

189. Our first two golden pineapple retrievers are Frankie and Kiell.

190. OK, well, that's a start. A magnet's a start.

191. Right.

192. Urgh, man.

193. That sort of made things worse.

194. MAGNET CLUNKS

195. Hmm.

196. MAGNET CLUNKS

197. Aw, man.

198. HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS

199. That's bad.

200. Wow, you really don't want to get this near metal.

201. Well, let's look at it this way,

202. we've now anchored that successfully.

203. HE STRAINS

204. Well, something happened.

205. Ow!

206. Oh, yeah!

207. I've gotta get some points for that.

208. MAGNET CLUNKS Oh!

209. I'm just throwing a log at a pineapple, aren't I?

210. What's that made out of?

211. Pineapple.

212. This whole time you've watched me trying

213. to get that magnet on a piece of rubber?

214. Yep.

215. Maybe it's my technique that's wrong.

216. Good for distance.

217. Over here.

218. Oh, no, no, no. Look.

219. No, it's going to fall. Ahh!

220. Three minutes 40.

221. Something's in the water.

222. Gotcha.

223. One pineapple. Five to go.

224. Five?

225. Wait, that one's floating down a bit.

226. 45 seconds, Frankie.

227. One pineapple.

228. I think he's bloody got it.

229. Yes!

230. It was a slightly sad end.

231. Bye, Kiell.

232. Argh!

233. You all right?

234. No, good for you.

235. I'm glad.

236. Quite an act of aggression there,

237. kicking that one plant pot over.

238. Who knows what he's up to?

239. This is his life energy.

240. He hides those pineapples.

241. He'd be like... DIABOLICAL GIGGLE

242. Did you not notice the pineapples or did you just not care?

243. I thought it was just they'd left them there

244. to set up for the next contestant.

245. I didn't think they were supposed to anger me in any way. Oh, yeah.

246. I don't think that we had to be on something that was magnetic.

247. I think that was a bad choice.

248. I couldn't have enjoyed it more.

249. You got twice as many pineapples as Frankie, who got one.

250. If I had a good strategy for fishing rubbish out of some sewage,

251. what sort of person would I be?

252. Very good.

253. It is the end of part one, then,

254. and if you can hear your neighbours noisily making love

255. instead of watching Taskmaster, just think,

256. maybe they are watching Taskmaster.

257. Maybe you're the one doing this wrong.

258. Oh, hello.

259. You're just in the nick of time for part two of Taskmaster.

260. Phew. Yes, we're in the thick of a pineapple retrieval task.

261. Most pineapples piled up wins,

262. and we even put easy to retrieve ones around the corner for them,

263. much easier to get than the ones in the middle of the mill pond.

264. Now for the attempts of Jenny and

265. Ivo, Ivo, it's off to work he goes.

266. Does that, is that the longest it'll go?

267. Yes, it's, it's not very good.

268. That's rubbish.

269. It's not long enough. Ah.

270. What does this do?

271. SHE SHRIEKS

272. I don't think that's happening.

273. I don't know what to do.

274. AUDIENCE SWELLS

275. I've done it.

276. I've done a Taskmaster task.

277. MAGNET CLANGS, WHEEZING LAUGHTER

278. Five.

279. But I can't just sort of rest on those laurels.

280. My trousers are falling down. Right.

281. What's this going to do? Nothing. Nothing!

282. I can't even hear it any more.

283. Yeah, it's so far away.

284. SHE GRUNTS

285. If I had longer arms... Hmm.

286. Would you just pick up the pineapple?

287. SHE STRAINS Is it tethered?

288. It might be.

289. Use the scissors.

290. Nope.

291. I think standing in the wheelbarrow's a nonstarter.

292. Ha-ha-ha!

293. Oh, my God.

294. Is she coming downstream?

295. Getting even one will be the triumph of the century.

296. Come to Mummy. Come to Mummy.

297. Whoa... Oh, no!

298. Oh, oh...

299. OK... OK.

300. Oh! Ooh...

301. I'm getting a bit wet,

302. but, like, only magnet-retrieval wet,

303. not falling-off-a-wheelbarrow wet.

304. Two pineapples.

305. Right, come on.

306. Come on big boy.

307. Please. Please!

308. 30 seconds. Pleeease!

309. Ah... Ah. Well done, well done.

310. Where's my chunks? WHISTLE

311. Oh, not more fucking pineapples.

312. How did Jenny do using her come-to-Mummy long arms technique?

313. That technique yielded zero pineapples

314. but when you cut the thread that was tethering the pineapple,

315. she piled four pineapples. Not bad.

316. There were two little phrases that came involuntarily out of Ivo

317. that I think will come to define him.

318. At first, I thought it was this one.

319. Please. Please!

320. Pleeease!

321. The escalating pleases haunted me. Yep.

322. But, in fact, I think this one cancelled it out.

323. Where's my chunks?

324. I loved, "Where's my chunks?"

325. I got "Where's my chunks?" tattooed on my shin.

326. Love "Where's my chunks?"

327. I mean, he got loads of chunks, didn't he? Yep.

328. We've doubled each time. One, two, four, now nine!

329. One left. One left.

330. Of course, it's Mae Martin.

331. Are there any hidden pineapples? That's what I want to know.

332. Like, there must be hidden pineapples.

333. OK.

334. This is pretty good.

335. Ahh! Fuck!

336. No... no! No, no, no, no, no.

337. One pineapple.

338. Oh.

339. Pineapple, I presume?

340. Yeah.

341. I like doing a task like this where I'm just on my own,

342. and I don't have to deal with anyone else's, uh...

343. ideas.

344. You don't miss your team-mates?

345. No. No.

346. Could I have help? Yeah.

347. Thank you.

348. Oh, yeah.

349. Oh, what is that?

350. There's a pineapple in there.

351. Five pineapples.

352. Urgh! OK.

353. Now I'm looking for hidden pineapples.

354. Right, you've got five minutes ten seconds.

355. Do you have a pen and paper?

356. Yeah.

357. 13 pineapples there. Mm-hm.

358. I lost your pen! Yeah, that was my pen.

359. WHISTLE OK, you're done, Mae. Oh, no.

360. Right. You owe me a pen.

361. I owe you a pen. Sorry.

362. Oh! No!

363. I just want to remind you that Frankie has argued with such passion

364. that the word "banana” written on a card constitutes a banana.

365. And I will argue that again.

366. A drawing of a pineapple can be called a pineapple.

367. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

368. Kiell, wherever you go, I'm ready to follow.

369. You did very well

370. bringing the prepared pineapples out,

371. it's just whether I allow the drawn pineapples, isn't it?

372. Well, it's not... It's not a question.

373. There are several pineapple effigies involved here

374. that aren't really pineapples.

375. They're a bit more real than those drawings.

376. But all words and images are metaphors

377. for the things they represent.

378. In no other environment does that sentence get whoops and cheers.

379. I think Mae's pineapples look more like the pineapple

380. than the candyfloss pineapple as well.

381. Yeah. That you had designed for the show that's your show

382. and we're trying to do our best on,

383. in a conventional fashion.

384. Also, let's... I've got something else as well.

385. To go on some weird reverie about how you like being on your own

386. cos your team-mates just ruin it for you, and then immediately

387. saying to Alex, "Can you help me get this pineapple out of the water?"

388. Pathetic.

389. I am going to allow the drawn pineapples.

390. What?

391. What, cos of the banana?

392. Because of the nature of language, man!

393. So we're allowing the pineapples, are we? I'm afraid we are.

394. Fuck's sake.

395. OK, well Frankie, well done. You get one point.

396. Two to Kiell, three to Jenny, four to lvo

397. and five to Mae Martin!

398. Scoreboard time.

399. In this episode it's tight.

400. Frankie on the bottom with five,

401. Mae Martin's in the lead with nine points. Here we are.

402. Do you have a really good task standing by, Alex?

403. Let's have a look.

404. Yes, I think this one's pro-brolly OK.

405. Mae. Hi.

406. Hiya. Frankie.

407. Ooh, brolly mad in here.

408. Barrel full a' brollies.

409. Before you do that, pick an umbrella, any umbrella.

410. Tartan.

411. A classic, simple black.

412. Oh, God. Oh, dear.

413. I know that a lot will depend on this.

414. I'm going to go big bugger.

415. Very nice.

416. "Repurpose this umbrella and demonstrate its new purpose.”

417. "Most inventive repurposing of an umbrella wins."

418. "You have 20 minutes."

419. "Time starts now."

420. And that's yours to do what you want with.

421. They were all going to be discarded.

422. These are... they're rescue umbrellas.

423. They are rescue umbrellas. We're doing our bit.

424. I hate my umbrella. OK. Right. What else could it be?

425. I've said it before, I'll say it again,

426. you always get a little performance flourish with Kiell.

427. Didn't need to toss that umbrella up.

428. You're a real showman sometimes, you know that?

429. All the time.

430. Good. Shall we start? Good boy. Yes, please.

431. OK. Up first it's KSB, Kiell Smith-Bynoe,

432. the bank that likes to say yes.

433. So that's different to what it was. Mm-hm.

434. That's something.

435. It's like a trap.

436. Gotcha.

437. What can I catch?

438. Ahh, it's been a long day at work,

439. I can't wait to sit down and put my feet up.

440. Paws.

441. Hang on a minute, that's ma family.

442. What's happened?

443. HIGH-PITCHED MUFFLED SPEECH

444. I can't hear you. Hang on.

445. What's that?

446. Bread?

447. I want to save ma family, but the bread's so beautiful.

448. It's a trap!

449. Oh, no, I'm trapped and I didn't get any of the bread.

450. Oh, no!

451. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha.

452. The duck catcher!

453. WHISTLE That's your time up, Kiell.

454. KIELL WHISTLES

455. Duck for dinner!

456. The ducks are from Scotland, clearly?

457. Yeah, because the umbrella was tartan.

458. Oh, that makes sense.

459. And what's the back story of the ducks? Father Duck's been out.

460. He was also Braveheart.

461. Um, that's why he had the blue face.

462. Driving his car home from battle.

463. Yeah...

464. And, uh,

465. he came home and his wife and children had been...

466. DUCK taped...

467. and he wanted to save them but there was a picture of bread.

468. A lot to take in with, "Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha, the duck catcher,”

469. but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

470. Right, what time is it?

471. It's break time. What are you doing here?

472. Hello... hello, good people, welcome back to Taskmaster,

473. where the cast are being ever-so eco

474. and repurposing their umbrellas.

475. About bloody time, Greg. HE TUTS

476. But they are and it's a good thing,

477. so we're gonna see two more of them now.

478. Let's say, "Hivo," to Ivo and, "Hey," to Mae.

479. Hello, Alex. Hello, Ivo.

480. Have you repurposed the umbrella? I've repurposed the umbrella.

481. ELECTRONIC BARK Come on, Bosco.

482. BARKING CONTINUES

483. He's a wire-haired border brolly.

484. Start with the gin. In... in an umbrella?

485. In a repurposed umbrella.

486. I don't know if you can see his tail. Oh, that's nice.

487. Can he wag his tail without shaking his head?

488. Why would he wanna do that?

489. A bit of elderflower? I do like elderflower.

490. Traditionally we'd have a little lemon or lime.

491. Due to a citrus shortage, bit of pineapple?

492. Perfect.

493. Who's your best friend?

494. Mae Martin.

495. Who's your enemy? Alex Horne.

496. Well, that just sounded like a man saying, "Alex Horne."

497. No, that was 100% Bosco.

498. This is where the art of it really comes in.

499. I dropped that on the floor at some point.

500. Yeah, put it in the drink then.

501. I would like to see him leave the room.

502. Ah. Yes, OK. See you later.

503. ELECTRONIC BARK Thank you, Bosco.

504. Good luck.

505. Bye Bosco. Watch out for the door frame, Bosco.

506. He's still learning.

507. Well, thank you.

508. Are you meant to dilute, the elderflower?

509. Very heavy on the elderflower, isn't it? Mm.

510. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Thank you, Ivo.

511. It's very creative. Thanks.

512. I did warm to Bosco

513. when he started to reveal that he despised Alex.

514. Yeah.

515. And was that your stitching work? Staple gun.

516. Yeah. Mae made it instantly.

517. Took 20 minutes. It was impressive to watch.

518. Yeah, it was. Um, lvo, do you think this is, a new low?

519. I'm sorry I didn't staple-gun a monstrous dog together.

520. You will be when I hand the points out!

521. Right. Good. It's time for the final two attempts now

522. and what a bespectacled spectacle it is,

523. as Frankie Boyle and Jenny Eclair hit the catwalk.

524. Oh, hi, Frankie. Hey.

525. What are you gonna do with your umbrella?

526. I have turned it into this skirt and fascinator combination.

527. I'm wearing House of Eclair

528. and this is a handmade hiking and writing cagoule.

529. It's for those who like... uh... outdoors,

530. maybe climb a mountain and then write a poem at the top.

531. Wow.

532. It's surprisingly good.

533. I'll go and mull over that comment. Yeah.

534. Well, the House of Eclair employs quite a sassy runway model,

535. I thought.

536. It looked pretty good. All her own work.

537. Oh, oh, really?

538. I thought she'd cheated and parachuted a team in from Paris.

539. It had a pocket for my notebook.

540. For when you write poetry up the mountain? Up the mountain.

541. And the metal frame of the umbrella, what was that for?

542. That was for, warding off anything that needed warding off.

543. For when you're up the mountain? Up the mountain,

544. looking a bit sexy in my... in my hiking and writing cagoule.

545. Hiking and writing, is that what you said?

546. Hiking and writing. Oh, I thought you were speaking in German.

547. Hiking and writing and... warding off the boys.

548. You've... I hope this is appropriate,

549. you've got a good sturdy set of legs on you, Frankie.

550. Thanks.

551. Do you know what it felt like, waiting to watch that?

552. When I was a kid, uh,

553. our local library had a Christmas drawing competition

554. and I drew a snowman and they put it up on the wall

555. and then everyone else's started to go up

556. and they were, like, really good.

557. And when I saw Mae's entry, that's how I felt.

558. I felt like when I'd gone to the library as a little boy

559. and said, "Could I have my snowman back?"

560. Aww!

561. And they said, "No."

562. Oh, but Frankie, come on, you had a fascinator.

563. There, you've seen all five. I have. Least inventive?

564. Well, I mean, just tossing a load of drinks into it.

565. Less inventive than two people both making clothes out of it?

566. Yep.

567. I'm gonna give Jenny two points,

568. because Frankie used a whole umbrella

569. and I just think that Jenny was left

570. with the frame of the umbrella and just carried it around.

571. Warding off the boys.

572. To ward off the boys.

573. OK. Two points to Jenny, three points to Frankie. Great.

574. Inventive is the word,

575. so Bosco the dog can only have four points on this occasion... Wow.

576. because of the complex narrative surrounding...

577. .. the Scottish.

578. Five points to Kiell!

579. Do you have another one on standby?

580. Ahh... ahh. I don't know!

581. Whaa... ahh!

582. Sorry, I had a bit of a wobble there.

583. Here we go.

584. LIGHT JAZZ

585. Hiya. Morning. Jelly? Yeah. With a duck in it. Course.

586. Ooh, a jelly mould. It's jelly, Jenny.

587. Yes, it is.

588. This is funny to me already. Great.

589. Nice little jiggle. Yeah.

590. Put the most stuff on top of this jelly, without breaking the jelly.

591. "Without breaking the jelly".

592. If anything other than jelly touches the duck, you are disqualified.

593. Heaviest stuff on the jelly exactly ten minutes from now, wins.

594. Put the most stuff on top of this jelly, without breaking the jelly.

595. Heaviest stuff on the jelly exactly ten minutes from now, wins.

596. Yeah, this is vintage.

597. Are... are you starting to get bored of the format?

598. That was day one, that was the first task.

599. Let's just get on with it.

600. You've got to balance a load of heavy stuff on a jelly, right?

601. Yeah, and I think it's appropriate

602. if we start with lvo, all by himself.

603. Ah. Agreed? Yes.

604. I think, encasing the jelly will stop it pushing outwards.

605. Yeah, I... I... I like that, actually. Mm-hm.

606. I guess I might ask you

607. whether you think those bricks are balanced on the jelly?

608. It is a bit of an interesting physical question, isn't it?

609. Well, what do you think?

610. I think if you took the jelly away, the bricks wouldn't move.

611. That's undeniable.

612. The answer is in the wobble, isn't it? The answer is in the wobble?

613. The answer is in the wobble.

614. Where's the wobble gone?

615. Fine.

616. I mean, there's even a bit of a surface incision.

617. If it was a wound it would heal within the week.

618. Four minutes 40 left.

619. Ahh. Yeah.

620. Oh.

621. Well, why don't you talk me through your technique?

622. Obviously, watching it back,

623. the jump from nought bananas to six bananas was aggressive.

624. Yeah.

625. You said afterwards you should've taken a banana-by-banana approach.

626. Yeah, or even broken the banana down into, uh...

627. Chunks. Yeah, chunks.

628. Who's next? OK, well how about Mae and Kiell next? Here we go.

629. The most stuff. That's a start.

630. I'm gonna test the strength of the jelly.

631. I want a flat base that's going to sort of displace the weight,

632. so that I'm pressing on the widest possible surface area.

633. Sounds like you've done this before.

634. I've done this a couple of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

635. Ah, we're talking physics. Are we?

636. Yeah.

637. Ooh, it's sticky, the jelly.

638. What flavour is this?

639. Lemon jelly. Hate it.

640. OK. It's... it's hard.

641. And soft.

642. There's no way this is the best flavour you could find.

643. Ooh.

644. Very... light. Yep. Lovely.

645. OK, that'll definitely work.

646. But it's not enough.

647. It's not enough.

648. Oh, my God.

649. If I can get that EXACTLY on the middle...

650. Oh, my God.

651. Wait.

652. What's happened to the duck?

653. Oh, no, no, no.

654. There. There. There. There.

655. There?

656. No. There. Hang on.

657. There...

658. There.

659. Some things have happened.

660. A lot's happened.

661. Oh, no!

662. Aw!

663. It's what's on there exactly ten minutes after the task started.

664. Well, in that case, I'll just wait.

665. I might just wait till the last possible second...

666. Will you tell me when I've got 30 seconds? Yeah, there's a clock here.

667. Ooh. Well, what shall we do till then?

668. Rugby?

669. I don't know if we could do rugby, just cos of the crockery.

670. I don't think the duck is touching the record, I would argue,

671. but I've really disturbed the integrity of the jelly.

672. Yes, you have.

673. 50 seconds, all right. Let's do this, baby.

674. 20 seconds.

675. It doesn't look like it used to look.

676. I think it's in the heat in the room.

677. Wow.

678. Ten seconds.

679. Any more? No, thank you, I'm sweet enough.

680. WHISTLE

681. When I blow the whistle, you can't be touching it.

682. WHISTLE

683. Was the duck compromised at all?

684. Not in the slightest. He's having a lovely time.

685. He doesn't even know what's gone on.

686. All right. Thanks, Kiell. Thanks.

687. It started off with a very scientific approach from Mae,

688. talking about displacement,

689. whereas you popped the task card on top of it and went,

690. "That's a start.”

691. But soon, we were talking physics. Yep. Yep.

692. From that point onwards, it didn't look very scientific, Mae.

693. What happened?

694. Oh, the jelly started breaking.

695. Did you not consider putting a bowl on top of the jelly

696. and just repeatedly saying the word, "There?"

697. Yeah.

698. I mean, it worked.

699. Kiell got 1,773 grams on the jelly.

700. That's one Chihuahua. Right.

701. Join us again for the dramatic conclusion of tonight's show,

702. involving the worst selection of prizes

703. anyone's ever won on a television show. Bye!

704. Hello. Here we are, the final part of tonight's show

705. and the jelly balancing act is nearly complete.

706. Yes, they're trying to put as much stuff on

707. the jelly as possible without splitting it.

708. Two people left to go, and it's Frankie and Jelly.

709. I've been gripped by an overwhelming sense of crisis.

710. I don't see how anything particularly heavy can go on there.

711. I should start with maybe layering up.

712. I've got a necklace, I've got my pants,

713. I've got shoes, I've got a watch. I've got a watch.

714. I could argue the definition of heavy.

715. I've been in the kitchen and I've found that.

716. Now, if I just did that

717. and then put things on there, would that be cheating?

718. Will the things be on top of the jelly?

719. I don't know, Alex, cos I was going to stand on top of that.

720. Were you now? Yeah.

721. Well, I wouldn't mind watching that.

722. What I don't want you to do is weigh me publicly.

723. If you do weigh me, you have to do it in kilos

724. cos I don't understand kilos.

725. Well, don't I have to hold this like that?

726. Obviously the jelly is plugged in.

727. Right. There we go.

728. I'm slightly worried about that taking my weight

729. and it collapsing, and the Tupperware splintering

730. and then I go through the jelly.

731. Maybe a cushion?

732. Here we go.

733. You don't get much heavier than this.

734. The third law of thermodynamics means that

735. the universe will eventually end through a phase of heat death,

736. with all life and all energy extinguished.

737. One, two, three.

738. They're off, they're off.

739. So, this is as far as I can go.

740. SHE SCREAMS, WHISTLE

741. You were on it. I was.

742. You were on it when the whistle went, yeah.

743. And the jelly's fine.

744. Jelly's fine.

745. Thanks for sitting on the jelly, Jenny.

746. It's no problem, I enjoyed it.

747. There's clubs that cater for this kind of thing, you know.

748. Right you are. Right you are.

749. Thank you.

750. First things first, let's talk about Jenny's.

751. Were you on the jelly? On top of it.

752. Cos I might argue that you were on a box.

753. Well, yeah, if I sat on the jelly, it would've split.

754. That's physics staring you in the face.

755. It all seems trivial next to the heat death of the universe. Yeah.

756. Don't worry, you're safe.

757. Jenny, to be absolutely clear,

758. I very much enjoyed watching you balancing on that box,

759. and I'd probably pay to see it.

760. Not a lot of money, but I'd pay.

761. But I don't think you were on the jelly.

762. So it's just a question of whether that quote

763. is heavier than a Chihuahua.

764. The destruction of the universe is about as heavy as it gets, right?

765. The first sentence was, "Put the most stuff..."

766. But he's put the concept of the whole universe,

767. how much stuff do you want?

768. The third law of thermodynamics encompasses

769. all the energy in the universe.

770. That's more than your bowl and your fucking spoon.

771. I've got to allow it, it's the heaviest thing.

772. OK. And we're saying zero points to Ivo, Mae and Jenny?

773. I didn't break the skin of the jelly.

774. That is true. Just give her a lovely charity one point.

775. So, in summary, it's zero to lvo, zero to Mae,

776. one to Jenny, four to Kiel|,

777. and five to Frankie Boyle! Seems very fair.

778. OK. Ooh! Seems very measured to me.

779. Well done, Greg. Good.

780. Let's have a look at the scores.

781. Frankie has not won an episode, this is your chance.

782. Kiell's in the lead with 15,

783. but Frankie has 13 points in joint second.

784. Good. Right, here we go then,

785. please go up to the stage for the final task of the show.

786. Ah, look how happy Frankie the clown is.

787. Who's going to read the task?

788. Well, it's a team task and Frankie Boyle's going to read it.

789. "Using only the scratching posts,

790. “remove as many balls from your suit as possible.

791. "Your team-mates may throw balls from

792. “the throwing spots throughout.

793. "The throwing spots may not be moved.

794. "Fewest balls on a suit after two minutes wins.

795. "Also, if you're in a team of three,

796. "the two non-suit wearers must hold hands throughout the two minutes."

797. So what's gonna happen is that, Mae and Frankie,

798. you're going to use these scratching sticks.

799. The other three will be on the throwing circles.

800. Frankie will be near the team of three's throwers

801. so they can throw balls onto his suit

802. as he tries to scratch his balls off.

803. That's a nice... very nice sentence.

804. So, Frankie and Mae, please make your way this way down to the stage.

805. Good luck. Thank you.

806. Oh, there's lots of Velcro on their bottoms, I see.

807. Please stand on the circle.

808. Anything you want to say?

809. I think I really should've had a few less joke scandals

810. and not ended up in this position.

811. So, they are starting with 25 balls on their suits.

812. Two minutes. Good luck.

813. And they're off.

814. Aw, fuck.

815. They don't come off too easy.

816. Oh, you got one, you got one, you got one.

817. Oh, no! No, you can't do that!

818. Well, he can do that and he has done that.

819. Oh, Frankie's suit has popped open.

820. Yeah, big one on the bum!

821. I've got loads.

822. Well done, Kiell.

823. Frankie, one at the back. The back!

824. I got one! I got two!

825. I got another!

826. Ten seconds left.

827. Mae, scratch!

828. Five, four, three, two, one...

829. Stop it! Stop it!

830. Come back down, we'll see how that's affected the final scores!

831. What a thriller.

832. Yes. Well, I think what happened was that the team of three decided

833. to hold opposite hands so they both had their throwing hands out,

834. and that's what won it for them.

835. They managed to land more balls on their opposition than poor old Ivo.

836. I loved it. There wasn't even any drama to revealing who'd won.

837. We all know they won. Exactly.

838. Oh, I forgot, yeah, I should've mentioned that. By miles, yeah.

839. There were 29 balls on Frankie at the end. 25 to start off with.

840. 17 left on Mae, so they get five points.

841. How many for the team of two? Three.

842. Three. Fair enough. Three points and five points.

843. Shall I tell you how that's affected the episode scores? God, will you?

844. I will. Ooh, it's my favourite, Greg, they've all got even numbers. GREG GASPS

845. Ivo's on 12, and at the top of the pile it's Kiell with 20 points!

846. There it is!

847. Kiell Smith-Bynoe wins.

848. Please pop up to collect your unbaggable bits.

849. So, what have we learned today?

850. We've learned that if you want to achieve something in life,

851. use your intelligence, use lateral thinking,

852. use gut instinct, if you will.

853. Failing that, maybe give this a go.

854. Please. Please! Pleeease!

855. And, please, let's marvel at tonight's winner once more,

856. it is Kiell Smith-Bynoe!