1. Brace, brace!Copy !req
2. I'm bracing!Copy !req
3. CLATTERINGCopy !req
4. Hm!Copy !req
5. This program me contains
strong language and adult humourCopy !req
6. No, no, no, no!Copy !req
7. TRUMPET-LIKE HONKINGCopy !req
8. No!Copy !req
9. Ahh!Copy !req
10. What?Copy !req
11. Hello! I'm Greg Davies.Copy !req
12. Welcome to Taskmaster,
and, spoiler alert,Copy !req
13. I don't know everything.Copy !req
14. I don't know how
the pyramids were built,Copy !req
15. I can't explain nuclear fusion,Copy !req
16. I don't know what butter is.
What is it?Copy !req
17. No-one knows really. Off-milk?Copy !req
18. Try spreading off-milk
on your kids' toast.Copy !req
19. They'll be off school for
a fortnight, you idiot.Copy !req
20. So, why would five comediansCopy !req
21. risk everything to win a trophy
that doesn't look like anyone?Copy !req
22. It's not me -
I've had a beard for five years.Copy !req
23. It doesn't matter.Copy !req
24. The point is, we don't need
to know the answer to everything.Copy !req
25. Sometimes we just need to...
HE INHALES SHARPLYCopy !req
26. . drink it in.Copy !req
27. So, please raise your glasses...Copy !req
28. to Frankie Boyle...Copy !req
29. Ivo Graham...Copy !req
30. Jenny Eclair...Copy !req
31. Kiell Smith-Bynoe...Copy !req
32. and Mae Martin.Copy !req
33. And next to me,Copy !req
34. the chips to my fish,
the nut to my bolt,Copy !req
35. the toilet bowl
to my heavy beef lunch...Copy !req
36. .it is...Copy !req
37. .. Little Alex Horne!Copy !req
38. Hello, Greg. You all right?
Yeah. Do you want a game of I Spy?Copy !req
39. Yes, please. OK, well, let's play.Copy !req
40. What sort of pie is this?Copy !req
41. It's an ice pie.Copy !req
42. It's an ice pie, isn't it?Copy !req
43. You've got...
You've got the guess the filling.Copy !req
44. That's the... the game.
That's the game.Copy !req
45. And then, we crack it open
and find out if you're right.Copy !req
46. It's really wet.Copy !req
47. OK, I think it's a chicken pie.Copy !req
48. It is a chicken pie. OK.Copy !req
49. He's won "ice pie"!Copy !req
50. On with the prize task.Copy !req
51. For today's prize task,Copy !req
52. you demanded the comedians
brought in the best thingCopy !req
53. to play about with in your bathroom.Copy !req
54. The winner of the episode
is guaranteedCopy !req
55. some seriously top-level
bathroom fun.Copy !req
56. Ooh!Copy !req
57. Kiell, I'll start with you.Copy !req
58. What do you like playing
with in your bathroom?Copy !req
59. I like playing with a piano.Copy !req
60. Here it is.Copy !req
61. Does it drown out
unfortunate sounds?Copy !req
62. Um, it depends how high
you turn it up.Copy !req
63. So, are you saying you could provide
the soundtrack to the moment?Copy !req
64. Is that what you...?
You call it "the moment"?Copy !req
65. Do you not call it "the moment"?Copy !req
66. He's always called it "the moment".Copy !req
67. What tunes could a man play
on this piece of tat?Copy !req
68. Oh, we're talking
Three Blind Mice, um...Copy !req
69. End of sentence.Copy !req
70. It's shit.Copy !req
71. That is... That is
a disappointing start.Copy !req
72. Mae.Copy !req
73. Well, I guess if people
stay around my house,Copy !req
74. I want them to have
a very exciting and thrilling time,Copy !req
75. and I like to live on
the edge dangerously.Copy !req
76. So, I've made, uh,
a toothpaste Russian roulette.Copy !req
77. Here's a picture of it. Mm.Copy !req
78. Toothpaste Russian roulette.Copy !req
79. OK, so, there's different
things in each tube.Copy !req
80. So, one has mayonnaise,
one has cream cheese,Copy !req
81. one has face cream... Oh!
.. and one has toothpaste.Copy !req
82. I've never felt such danger
as brushing my teeth with cheese.Copy !req
83. Yeah.Copy !req
84. Quite fun, though, in a way.Copy !req
85. It's fun, and you've made an effort.Copy !req
86. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
87. Yeah.Copy !req
88. Frankie.Copy !req
89. You know when you have a bath,Copy !req
90. you set up a lot of candles,
you create an atmosphere?Copy !req
91. Why not...? One does.Copy !req
92. Why not...?Copy !req
93. Why not use that atmosphere
to contact the dead...Copy !req
94. with a laminated Ouija board
specifically designedCopy !req
95. to contact the dead members
of the group the Bee Gees.Copy !req
96. Wow.Copy !req
97. So, here is Frankie's waterproof
Bee Gee Ouija board.Copy !req
98. I really like it, Frankie.
I probably shouldn't. I do, though.Copy !req
99. And I'm a big fan of the Bee Gees.Copy !req
100. RIP. RIP.Copy !req
101. Hello, Barry!Copy !req
102. Ivo.Copy !req
103. Greg, I've brought in
a prize task that combinesCopy !req
104. a lovely bit of music,
a lovely bit of danger,Copy !req
105. and even a little bit of death.Copy !req
106. It's a scale model of the Titanic.Copy !req
107. And here it is.Copy !req
108. Come on, Greg. God...Copy !req
109. Don't you want to bathe with her?Copy !req
110. I don't want to, um,Copy !req
111. recreate one of the worst
maritime disasters in history.Copy !req
112. But you don't have to recreate it.Copy !req
113. You can keep your scale model of
the Titanic afloat in the bath. Afloat.Copy !req
114. That's the beauty of the prize task.Copy !req
115. You can change history
for the better.Copy !req
116. I don't think you can
change history.Copy !req
117. Hello, Jenny. Hello, boys. Hello.Copy !req
118. Hello, both.Copy !req
119. I don't know whether either of you,
or any of my team-mates here,Copy !req
120. are clenchers or grinders -
the world does divide.Copy !req
121. Clencher or grinder? Grinder.Copy !req
122. Grinder.Copy !req
123. Grinder.Copy !req
124. I'm a clencher. Terrible clencher.Copy !req
125. And this is a charming
mouth brace I have to wear at night,Copy !req
126. and I can put it in... OK.Copy !req
127. Have you lost your mind?Copy !req
128. I told you... OK, OK.Copy !req
129. So, I start like that, right...Copy !req
130. .. and it's disgusting,Copy !req
131. and you can never
get it properly clean.Copy !req
132. Uh, so, on the market,Copy !req
133. there's this digital brace cleaner
that you can get.Copy !req
134. In short, Jenny has brought
in a dental pod.Copy !req
135. Yeah.Copy !req
136. No...Copy !req
137. To have some fun in the bathroom?Copy !req
138. They also are quite expensive,Copy !req
139. and I haven't
treated myself to one.Copy !req
140. I thought, "If I ask them
to get me one on this,Copy !req
141. "I'll go home with it..."Copy !req
142. ".. even if I don't win...
if I don't win."Copy !req
143. Well, you're going to have
to judge this, Greg.Copy !req
144. Jenny's definitely helped me out.Copy !req
145. One point for Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
146. Two points to Mae.Copy !req
147. Three to lvo, I think. Right.Copy !req
148. Four to Kiell.Copy !req
149. So, Frankie Boyle takes
the five points.Copy !req
150. With the Ouija board,
Frankie Boyle, five points.Copy !req
151. OK, let's have a proper task.Copy !req
152. Yes, I know.Copy !req
153. I-] agree.Copy !req
154. OK, here is the task right now.Copy !req
155. DUCK QUACKSCopy !req
156. COw MOOSCopy !req
157. Hello.Copy !req
158. Hello, everyone. All have a seat.Copy !req
159. Hmm.Copy !req
160. Two chairs. That's a bit ominous.Copy !req
161. Ah, got a heart.Copy !req
162. What's all this about?Copy !req
163. "Invent an imaginary companion.”Copy !req
164. I do that every day.Copy !req
165. "Then complete a domestic task
with your imaginary companion.”Copy !req
166. "Your imaginary companion
must either be much tallerCopy !req
167. "or much littler than you."Copy !req
168. "Most poignant scene wins."
Interesting criteria.Copy !req
169. "You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
170. Have you ever had
an imaginary friend?Copy !req
171. Yep. We wore the same jacket.Copy !req
172. It's really just
a dramatic scene with just myself.Copy !req
173. Pretty much any story
of a 49-year-old manCopy !req
174. with an imaginary friend is going
to have a certain poignancy.Copy !req
175. What you thinking?
Washing up. That's poignant.Copy !req
176. If I can get a tear out,
that's got to be worth a point.Copy !req
177. I would have thought so. Yeah, OK.Copy !req
178. Do I want
this fragile-headed tall blokeCopy !req
179. or a tiny little...? In my pocket?Copy !req
180. Got to keep him in my bra like a...Copy !req
181. There we go. It's in there.Copy !req
182. Ah.Copy !req
183. So, we're off to the kitchen? Sure.Copy !req
184. 'I be in the kitchen.Copy !req
185. Are you all right in there?
You're fine in there, aren't you?Copy !req
186. You're all right.Copy !req
187. We're going to go for a little walk
to the kitchen.Copy !req
188. Come on. Let's do that.Copy !req
189. Kiel}, tell me about your childhood
friend. What was his name?Copy !req
190. Chicago.Copy !req
191. What sort of stuff did you
and Chicago get up to?Copy !req
192. Skateboarding, uh,
making up songs...Copy !req
193. Remember any of them?Copy !req
194. All of them started
with "I don't know how much".Copy !req
195. Fucking hell.Copy !req
196. Like...Copy !req
197. It's the most poignant task
we've ever had on the show.Copy !req
198. Are you ready to see it?
Let's have a look.Copy !req
199. All right, we're going to begin
with three real friendsCopy !req
200. called Frankie, Kiel|, and Mae,Copy !req
201. and their unreal friends,Copy !req
202. who are called Andy, Louis,
and Salvatore.Copy !req
203. Here we go.Copy !req
204. Just been cooking some cookies
my little friend Imaginary Andy.Copy !req
205. It's his first day at school today,
imaginary friend school.Copy !req
206. He loves cookies.Copy !req
207. Andy would do absolutely anything
to get his hands on some cookies.Copy !req
208. He's a bit late, actually.Copy !req
209. Salvatore.Copy !req
210. Mm! Yeah, here. It's good, right?Copy !req
211. There you go, on there.Copy !req
212. Look at us - best friends,
Kiell, Louis,Copy !req
213. about to do the washing up.Copy !req
214. Mm. I'm sorry about my family.Copy !req
215. They don't...
understand what we have.Copy !req
216. But since I found you
under a toadstool,Copy !req
217. I've felt like
I finally make sense, you know?Copy !req
218. So, tell me more
about your plans for life.Copy !req
219. Really?Copy !req
220. I've always wanted
to see New Zealand, too.Copy !req
221. It's a long flight,
but I'd look after you.Copy !req
222. You know I've always got you back.
Forever. Best friends.Copy !req
223. What's that?
Sorry, I can't talk just now.Copy !req
224. Yeah. No, I'm waiting
for Andy to come back.Copy !req
225. Yeah, he is a little bit late. Yeah.Copy !req
226. I'm just going to put these away,
yeah? Don't you move.Copy !req
227. I feel like that soup needs
a little more spice.Copy !req
228. Salvatore?Copy !req
229. Salvatore?Copy !req
230. And if we...Copy !req
231. Louis?Copy !req
232. Louis? Where'd you...?Copy !req
233. Louis?Copy !req
234. Oh, he's back.Copy !req
235. Where is he?Copy !req
236. Andy! Andy, no!Copy !req
237. Andy!Copy !req
238. No, Andy!Copy !req
239. Oh, Jesus Christ!Copy !req
240. HE SOBS, LAUGHTERCopy !req
241. Oh, my God! Sal!Copy !req
242. Babe! Oh, my God!Copy !req
243. It's my best friend!Copy !req
244. We'll never go to New Zealand!Copy !req
245. No!Copy !req
246. Oh! Oh, my God.Copy !req
247. Ahh!Copy !req
248. No!Copy !req
249. HE WAILSCopy !req
250. Andy!Copy !req
251. I don't want anybody else.
SHE SOBSCopy !req
252. Nobody rocks my body
or my world like Sal.Copy !req
253. I love you, Sal.Copy !req
254. Oh, my God. Mm.Copy !req
255. I sort of found...Copy !req
256. There were a couple
of genuinely harrowing moments.Copy !req
257. Salvatore boiled to death.Copy !req
258. In the soup. Louis was washed away.Copy !req
259. He'll never get to go to New
Zealand.Copy !req
260. And then Frankie, fucking hell...Copy !req
261. . that...Copy !req
262. that "Jesus Christ"
was genuinely too much. Yeah.Copy !req
263. I might ask you why
at any point did you seekCopy !req
264. to open the oven door,Copy !req
265. choosing to let him carry on
burning.Copy !req
266. Cheaper than a cremation.Copy !req
267. Um, Mae, heart-breaking.Copy !req
268. The only thing that slightly
brought me out of the narrativeCopy !req
269. and perhaps moved me away from
the great tragedy just for a beatCopy !req
270. was the notion that Salvatore
used to, and I quote,Copy !req
271. “rock your body...Copy !req
272. I'd like more people at funeralsCopy !req
273. to give speeches about how
they were going to miss the sex.Copy !req
274. OK, hold up,
that's the end of part one,Copy !req
275. and my chance to find out what
it's like to sit on someone's lap.Copy !req
276. See you soon.Copy !req
277. No, no, no.Copy !req
278. No!Copy !req
279. Hello!Copy !req
280. Welcome back to TaskmasterCopy !req
281. and the conclusion
of our imaginary friend task.Copy !req
282. Did you have an imaginary friend,
Alex?Copy !req
283. No, Greg.Copy !req
284. They never wanted
to hang out with me,Copy !req
285. but I didn't care,
because I had woodlice.Copy !req
286. Well, yes, the current taskCopy !req
287. involves creating a poignant sceneCopy !req
288. with either a very small
or a very tall imaginary friend.Copy !req
289. We've had three smalls,Copy !req
290. but now it's time
for a biggie with Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
291. Oh, Ed, you're so funny.
You make me laugh all the time.Copy !req
292. We have such fun together, don't we?Copy !req
293. I mean, I know we don't
always see eye to eye.Copy !req
294. That's not really possible, is it,Copy !req
295. what with you being
really so tall, and all that.Copy !req
296. This is quite hard and hot work.Copy !req
297. Gosh, I could do with a cold drink,Copy !req
298. or something like that.Copy !req
299. Hold on. Ice cream!Copy !req
300. SQUELCHING, FOLLOWED BY A THUDCopy !req
301. Oh, Ed!Copy !req
302. Your head!Copy !req
303. SHE WHIMPERSCopy !req
304. SHE SOBSCopy !req
305. SHE CONTINUES SOBBINGCopy !req
306. Oh, Ed!Copy !req
307. I'm sorry!Copy !req
308. Ahh! I'm going to have to get
another imaginary friend now!Copy !req
309. Ahh!Copy !req
310. SHE CONTINUES SOBBINGCopy !req
311. I'm not sure
I've ever felt less moved.Copy !req
312. changed my mind.Copy !req
313. I had my little bra friend,Copy !req
314. and then |I...
I don't know what happened to them.Copy !req
315. She suffocated. Well,
sheer hysteria seemed to set in.Copy !req
316. There's not a court in the landCopy !req
317. that wouldn't convict you
of murder there.Copy !req
318. Next up, it's Ivo.Copy !req
319. What could be nicer?Copy !req
320. Hot summer's day,
couple of lads cleaning their cars.Copy !req
321. Make sure you're thorough.Copy !req
322. Look.Copy !req
323. Really get every bit there,
you see?Copy !req
324. Oh, it's looking great.Copy !req
325. I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
326. I'm so proud of us.Copy !req
327. Most people wouldn't giveCopy !req
328. their imaginary friend
their own set of wheels,Copy !req
329. and one day, we're going to go
on the sweetest road trip together.Copy !req
330. ENGINE STARTSCopy !req
331. Not in the same car,Copy !req
332. but driving side by sideCopy !req
333. singing each other songs
through our windows.Copy !req
334. And you'll be so...Copy !req
335. Where...?Copy !req
336. What about our road trip?Copy !req
337. You teach them to wash their carCopy !req
338. and they just drive off
into the sunset without you.Copy !req
339. If you love something, set it free.Copy !req
340. In many ways, more tragic,Copy !req
341. because you're friend chose
to leave you.Copy !req
342. Yes. I drew on some powerful
real experience.Copy !req
343. Speaks to a certain level
of social status, though, doesn't itCopy !req
344. when your imaginary friend
has a car?Copy !req
345. Time to score them.
Who's in last place, Greg?Copy !req
346. I'm going to give Jenny two points.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, yeah.Copy !req
347. Because I did enjoy
the act of... of beheading.Copy !req
348. Then I'm going to go up to Kiell.Copy !req
349. It was a poignant set-up. I
didn't...Copy !req
350. I wasn't as moved at the end,Copy !req
351. and at the back of my head,
I think he might have lived.Copy !req
352. OK, three points to Kiell.Copy !req
353. Mae and Ivo, I would
probably give four points to,Copy !req
354. because when Frankie shouted
"Jesus Christ",Copy !req
355. I actually out loud went,
"Oh, my God!"Copy !req
356. And therefore he must take
the five points.Copy !req
357. There we go. Well done,
Frankie Boyle. Five points.Copy !req
358. Let's see a scoreboard then.
All right.Copy !req
359. Well, he's not won an episode yet,Copy !req
360. but currently a maximum score
of ten,Copy !req
361. it's Frankie Boyle in the lead.Copy !req
362. Wow.Copy !req
363. What's next, Alex?Copy !req
364. It's time for breakfast. Mm!Copy !req
365. Hello.Copy !req
366. Oh, my favourites. Eggs.Copy !req
367. Good morning.Copy !req
368. Hi. Good...Copy !req
369. Hi. There's something funny
about an egg.Copy !req
370. May |7 You may.Copy !req
371. "Efficiently shell an egg."Copy !req
372. "You may not touch
any part of any egg..."Copy !req
373. ".. With your hands."Copy !req
374. I thought this was going
to be pretty simple for a while.Copy !req
375. Yeah.Copy !req
376. ".. And you may only break
the shell of one of the eggs.”Copy !req
377. What does that mean?Copy !req
378. Why have I got all these eggs
if I'm only doing one egg?Copy !req
379. That's a great question.Copy !req
380. "Fewest pieces
of egg-less shell wins."Copy !req
381. Why is this so confusing?Copy !req
382. "Fewest pieces of egg-less shell... ”Copy !req
383. I'm going to go
into full crisis here.Copy !req
384. I just don't understand
what's been asked of me. Right.Copy !req
385. I'm not thick... OK. .. OK?Copy !req
386. I'll write that down.Copy !req
387. So, do you understand the task?Copy !req
388. Not really, Alex, no. No.Copy !req
389. So, you've got to get
the shell off an eqgqg.Copy !req
390. That's about right.Copy !req
391. You have a maximum of ten minutes.Copy !req
392. Your time starts now.Copy !req
393. There seemed to be some
collective confusionCopy !req
394. over this task there.Copy !req
395. Yes, all five of them.Copy !req
396. We're you surprised that they didn't
understand the task? Completely. Yeah.Copy !req
397. They couldn't use their hands
so they had to peel the eggCopy !req
398. in as few pieces as possible.Copy !req
399. We gave them a choice of eggsCopy !req
400. because that might be important,
it might not. Write that then!Copy !req
401. Here we go.Copy !req
402. Some of these eggs aren't going
to break, are they?Copy !req
403. Some of them are not real eggs. OK.Copy !req
404. Just sort of test the weight.Copy !req
405. That's quite a sensible thing
to do, isn't it?Copy !req
406. They all sound real to me.Copy !req
407. How, were they?Copy !req
408. All roughly the same weight.Copy !req
409. That's a relief.Copy !req
410. "Fewest pieces of egg-less shell... ”Copy !req
411. Egg-less shell.Copy !req
412. You've taken a shoe off.Copy !req
413. Yeah.Copy !req
414. Well, what about
if I had a tea towelCopy !req
415. and an egg in it,Copy !req
416. and then I wouldn't be touching it
with my hands.Copy !req
417. I'd be touching it with the...Copy !req
418. Right OK.Copy !req
419. Were you aiming
for the middle of the egg?Copy !req
420. Yes, I was.Copy !req
421. Can I use a practice egg?Copy !req
422. Well, all I can say, Ivo,Copy !req
423. is that all the information
is on the task.Copy !req
424. So, if I get that egg out...Copy !req
425. Ah. Right.Copy !req
426. Egg-less shell. Yep.Copy !req
427. How we doing for time?Copy !req
428. Three minutes 44 left.Copy !req
429. Seriously? Mm-hm.Copy !req
430. Let's get the rest of this out.Copy !req
431. It's just going to be three pieces.Copy !req
432. Are you sure? Yeah.Copy !req
433. Uh...Copy !req
434. We're definitely keen
that you shell an egg at some point.Copy !req
435. Yeah, you...Copy !req
436. CRUNCHINGCopy !req
437. Oh, that's quite a crunchy
bit of egg you're eating.Copy !req
438. Oh, stop it. Shut up.Copy !req
439. Hmm.Copy !req
440. Doesn't feel good, does it,
putting it in my mouth?Copy !req
441. Or just a knife.Copy !req
442. A nice tiny sliver of shell.Copy !req
443. That's turning into
so many bits of small shell.Copy !req
444. CRACKLING
I can hear them.Copy !req
445. Ooh!Copy !req
446. That's a nice big bit.Copy !req
447. Now what are you doing?Copy !req
448. Nothing. JUST finishing off my egg.Copy !req
449. CRUNCHINGCopy !req
450. Another crunchy bit?Copy !req
451. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
452. Thanks, Jenny.
Right. I'm a bit egged out now.Copy !req
453. Well, first things first, Jenny.
Why did you take your shoe off?Copy !req
454. I just wondered whetherCopy !req
455. I could do something
with the shoelace.Copy !req
456. I don't know why.Copy !req
457. I mean, normally, Ivo,
I see you as, you know,Copy !req
458. quite a person of action.Copy !req
459. You normally think,
"Right, I'll have a go at this."Copy !req
460. But you just seemed lost
for a long time with it.Copy !req
461. I think the only good thing
I did in that ten minutesCopy !req
462. was keep both of my shoes on.Copy !req
463. Why did you try
to work out the weight of the eggs?Copy !req
464. What did you think was going on
with the eggs?Copy !req
465. Um, well, I don't think even
the successful shellers amongst usCopy !req
466. will have provided any answer
as to why there were five eggs.Copy !req
467. Oh, one of them has. Well, several.Copy !req
468. Me and Jenny over in thicko corner.Copy !req
469. "Jenny and I".Copy !req
470. "Thicko corner"?Copy !req
471. Oh, God, Ivo.Copy !req
472. I can't believe
I'm being told off by JennyCopy !req
473. for ruining our friendshipCopy !req
474. and told off my Alex
for using bad grammarCopy !req
475. at the same time.Copy !req
476. It's really gone badly, hasn't it?Copy !req
477. Well, look,
I had the slightly sad jobCopy !req
478. of having to count
the pieces afterwards.Copy !req
479. Uh, Ivo, 13 pieces of eggshell.
Yes!Copy !req
480. Jenny, 20 pieces, and that's
not including the pieces you ate.Copy !req
481. Yeah. Which were many.Copy !req
482. All right, then,
it's time for Kiell and Frankie.Copy !req
483. I've got to somehow
select the hardest egg.Copy !req
484. You're looking for a hard egg?Copy !req
485. I'm looking for
the hardest possible egg.Copy !req
486. What about that...? Whoa...Copy !req
487. I think...
I think this one is up for it.Copy !req
488. I had an idea.Copy !req
489. Maybe the hard-boiled egg
will sink furthest to the bottom.Copy !req
490. What's your method, Kiell?Copy !req
491. Uh, pick it up and drop it.Copy !req
492. That one had a bit of
a slower trajectory.Copy !req
493. What are we learning?Copy !req
494. What do people normally use?
To do this?Copy !req
495. Yeah. A spoon?Copy !req
496. OK.Copy !req
497. Or this. And this.Copy !req
498. Ah.Copy !req
499. What have you found?
I don't know what that is.Copy !req
500. Ooh.Copy !req
501. That to me seemed quite hard.Copy !req
502. Go on, get in.Copy !req
503. Right.Copy !req
504. I don't really understand
how that's happened.Copy !req
505. So, that's the egg you've chosen,
is it? Yeah. This is the moment.Copy !req
506. It's going be, like,
a thousand pieces of eggshell.Copy !req
507. There we go. All right.Copy !req
508. Bit of a mess.Copy !req
509. I mean, I don't think I've seen
anyone peel an egg this badly.Copy !req
510. I think I'm smashing this.Copy !req
511. Is that a pun?Copy !req
512. Oh, you.Copy !req
513. Oh, that's better.Copy !req
514. Well, you know, it kind of
came together at the end there.Copy !req
515. Finished? Yeah. Soz about that.Copy !req
516. Bye-bye.Copy !req
517. Frankie, did your "drop an egg
in the water" system help much?Copy !req
518. No.Copy !req
519. Uh, I think I hadn't entirely
understood the task,Copy !req
520. and also I stopped caring...Copy !req
521. That was very much true.
.. halfway through, and...Copy !req
522. Welcome to thicko corner. Yeah.Copy !req
523. You are welcome.Copy !req
524. Kiell accidentally found the solution,Copy !req
525. which is you're looking
for a raw eqg,Copy !req
526. cos then you can get the egg out
in one.Copy !req
527. You can make a little hole
and blow the egg out in one.Copy !req
528. I'm not going to be blowing the egg
out. But you nearly did blow the egg out.Copy !req
529. You did a good job
using some drawing implements.Copy !req
530. I did have to count
all the little bits.Copy !req
531. There were six little bits,Copy !req
532. but that's a lot fewer
than Frankie, who had 83.Copy !req
533. Right, and that is
the end of part two.Copy !req
534. "All good things must come
to an end," my auntie always says.Copy !req
535. She remains to this day
one of the most boring human beingsCopy !req
536. I've had the misfortune
to spend time with.Copy !req
537. See you in a bit.Copy !req
538. Hello! We're back.Copy !req
539. It's the third part
of tonight's show,Copy !req
540. and once again, we find ourselves
in the company of eggs.Copy !req
541. Hi. There's
something funny about an egg.Copy !req
542. Yes.Copy !req
543. The current task involves
efficient shelling.Copy !req
544. They can't use their hands.Copy !req
545. Only one egg can be touched,
and fewest pieces of eggshell wins.Copy !req
546. Here's Mae's attempt.Copy !req
547. OK, I'm just going to take
my shoes and socks off.Copy !req
548. Yes. Yeah. Me, too.Copy !req
549. OK. Are you allowed
to put them on the floor for me?Copy !req
550. Yeah, OK.Copy !req
551. It looks like I'm wanking off
an egg with my foot.Copy !req
552. Does a bit.Copy !req
553. Oh, God, it really does.Copy !req
554. No, fuck this. OK.Copy !req
555. OK.Copy !req
556. And now I'm going to put my mouth
on them.Copy !req
557. Hmm. Uh-huh.Copy !req
558. Would you prefer to work with
a boiled egg or an unboiled egg?Copy !req
559. Mm.Copy !req
560. I'm going to get a pinCopy !req
561. and then I'm going to hope
it's a raw eqg,Copy !req
562. and I'm going to make
a pin-sized hole.Copy !req
563. Right?Copy !req
564. Not sure this is the way.Copy !req
565. AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
Ah.Copy !req
566. Well, that was the way.Copy !req
567. You pretty much finished the task.Copy !req
568. OK, I'm going to get
the rest of the egg out.Copy !req
569. I mean, I don't know
why I had my feetCopy !req
570. and my mouth involved
when I could have used any utensil.Copy !req
571. Fewest pieces of egg-less shell.Copy !req
572. If I'm being completely honest,
there's three.Copy !req
573. Yes, should be.Copy !req
574. I'm done. Yep.Copy !req
575. Three. Three.Copy !req
576. What does it say?Copy !req
577. "Frankie, Frankie, Jenny,
Frankie, Frankie."Copy !req
578. What does that mean?Copy !req
579. Well, I presume Jenny's boiled.Copy !req
580. No, Jenny was the raw one.Copy !req
581. Yeah, cos Frankie...Copy !req
582. Frankie and Benny. No, what?Copy !req
583. Frankie "Boyle".
Yeah, that's infuriating.Copy !req
584. What was the plan
when your shoes and socks came off?Copy !req
585. Oh, I was going to use my feet
to... to expertly shell it.Copy !req
586. I don't know.Copy !req
587. You were going to peel
the egg with your toes?Copy !req
588. I feel nauseous from watching that.
Like that was... I...Copy !req
589. We've all been quite traumatised.
Yeah.Copy !req
590. I don't know if you can tell.
Like...Copy !req
591. Yeah. But the pin idea was amazing.Copy !req
592. Oh, the pin idea was amazing.
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
593. Dropped the egg.
But then, a happy accident, right?Copy !req
594. It was a very happy accident,
like Kiell, really, and it worked.Copy !req
595. Just the three pieces.
They've definitely won.Copy !req
596. Shall we just score it and move on?Copy !req
597. Let's just agree it's been
the worst... LAUGHTERCopy !req
598. task and the worse response
to a task in 15 series,Copy !req
599. and let's move on.Copy !req
600. By some distance. By some distance.Copy !req
601. And yet, Frankie gets a point,
Jenny two, Ivo three,Copy !req
602. Kiell four,
but Mae Martin, five points.Copy !req
603. Do I dare ask for another?Copy !req
604. Thankfully, we do have another one,Copy !req
605. and I've been busy doing
a spot of landscaping.Copy !req
606. Ooh!Copy !req
607. Ha!Copy !req
608. This looks great.
Yeah, it's an improvement.Copy !req
609. Yeah. Bowling ball. Uh-huh.Copy !req
610. Right. Oh, do... Open the task.Copy !req
611. Yep, that's the first task.Copy !req
612. "Bash the big bell
with the bowling ball.”Copy !req
613. "Fastest gets five points."Copy !req
614. "Slowest gets four points.”Copy !req
615. "Nobody else gets any points.”Copy !req
616. Interesting.Copy !req
617. "You are to stay off the grass
unless you're wearing gold shoes."Copy !req
618. "If anything other than
the bowling ball or gold shoesCopy !req
619. "touches the grass,
you are disqualified.”Copy !req
620. "You have a maximum of 20 minutes."Copy !req
621. "Your time starts... now."Copy !req
622. Pretty straightforward.Copy !req
623. I'm looking forward to just
getting on with it. Crack on.Copy !req
624. All right, first up to give it
a bash are Jenny and Mae.Copy !req
625. Oh, no.Copy !req
626. I'm not going
to be able to do that.Copy !req
627. Well, it might hit.Copy !req
628. No, and now you can't reach it.Copy !req
629. No. I've got to find
some golden shoes.Copy !req
630. Gold shoes.Copy !req
631. Well, just going to have a lookCopy !req
632. for some gold shoes quickly.Copy !req
633. OK.Copy !req
634. I found one. Oh, well done.Copy !req
635. Yeah. That didn't take long.Copy !req
636. That pineapple is calling to me.Copy !req
637. SHE CACKLESCopy !req
638. It's a golden shoe!Copy !req
639. Is there another one?Copy !req
640. They normally come in pairs.Copy !req
641. They do, normally.Copy !req
642. There's no gold shoe
in here, is there?Copy !req
643. Well, where's the other golden shoe?Copy !req
644. Found the golden spray.Copy !req
645. They lent me a kicking shoe.Copy !req
646. I'm going to gold spray it.Copy !req
647. Yeah.Copy !req
648. No! No!Copy !req
649. What's wrong?Copy !req
650. Why would they do that?Copy !req
651. I only have one.Copy !req
652. So, what's the plan?Copy !req
653. Go on one foot.Copy !req
654. Can you do that? Yeah.Copy !req
655. I think I can.Copy !req
656. They're so golden.Copy !req
657. That's more like it.Copy !req
658. Golden shoes!Copy !req
659. OK.Copy !req
660. How does it feel? Scary.Copy !req
661. Yep.Copy !req
662. I'm allowed on the grass
in my golden shoes.Copy !req
663. Kicking the ball
with my golden shoes.Copy !req
664. Oh, bloody hell!Copy !req
665. I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
666. Come on! Come on! Yeah.Copy !req
667. I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
668. I think if you ever decide
you want to do pantomime,Copy !req
669. that would serve as
a very good audition tape,Copy !req
670. because you were literally
cackling like a lunatic.Copy !req
671. I'm not very good
with children en mass.Copy !req
672. Why didn't you pick up
the ball at any point?Copy !req
673. Why would you say that now?Copy !req
674. You both did really well.Copy !req
675. Uh, Jenny bashed the bell
in three minutes 40.Copy !req
676. Three minutes 40.Copy !req
677. If you'd got the right paint
first time around,Copy !req
678. you would have beaten Mae,
who got two minutes 57.Copy !req
679. So, you both did extremely well.Copy !req
680. Good start. Well done.Copy !req
681. Good start.Copy !req
682. Two big bell bangers now.Copy !req
683. It's Kiell and Frankie.Copy !req
684. Aw!Copy !req
685. I should try to hit it
before I do this, shouldn't I?Copy !req
686. Oh!Copy !req
687. May I have your shoes?Copy !req
688. You want my shoes?Copy !req
689. Yeah.Copy !req
690. Alex will give you his shoes
if you do one of the following -Copy !req
691. deposit £100 in his bank account,Copy !req
692. give him a perfect dippy
boiled egg with buttered soldiersCopy !req
693. and a glass of milk,Copy !req
694. physically remove them.Copy !req
695. How's it going, Frankie?Copy !req
696. Well, I took an assessment
of my bowling ability,Copy !req
697. and I thought, "Time
to make me some gold shoes."Copy !req
698. You know, it's not terrible.Copy !req
699. HE PANTSCopy !req
700. Oh!Copy !req
701. Come on!Copy !req
702. Argh!
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMCopy !req
703. You bashed the bell. Yeah!Copy !req
704. What was your... plan when
you were rolling up the green?Copy !req
705. You were sort of pawing at Alex
like a cartoon cat in a...Copy !req
706. I thought I could wrestle him
to the ground and take his shoes.Copy !req
707. I didn't expect to see Frankie BoyleCopy !req
708. creeping across a green
with two swing-ball bats.Copy !req
709. Swing-ball bats
or golden snow shoes?Copy !req
710. Yellow. Yellow.
We all know it's not gold.Copy !req
711. It's yellow. Yellow.Copy !req
712. Well, what is gold?Copy !req
713. "Gold is a deep lustrous yellow
or yellow-brown colour.”Copy !req
714. That was neither.Copy !req
715. Only the fastest and the slowest
get the points here,Copy !req
716. and it's interesting.Copy !req
717. Mae, of course, two minutes 57.
Jenny, three minutes 40.Copy !req
718. That's not relevant now, Jenny,Copy !req
719. because Frankie,
six minutes 50 is the slowest,Copy !req
720. Kiell, three minutes 45,
so also not relevant.Copy !req
721. Oh! Frankie one end, Mae the other,Copy !req
722. if we allow the gorgeous
golden shoes on Frankie's feet.Copy !req
723. We'll carry on the gold/yellow
debate after the break.Copy !req
724. Right. Nearly there.
Only one part to go.Copy !req
725. A task to be finished,
the studio task, and then a winner -Copy !req
726. a winner of nanny's dental pod.Copy !req
727. That's Taskmaster.Copy !req
728. Hello!Copy !req
729. Welcome back to the last part
of tonight's show.Copy !req
730. Forgive me if I'm wrong, Alex,Copy !req
731. but isn't there still a big bell
to be bashed will a bowling ball?Copy !req
732. Ooh, bang-on, big boy.Copy !req
733. But they can't walk on the grass
unless they're wearing golden shoes.Copy !req
734. We've isolated one player...
or should I say Ivo-lated?Copy !req
735. It's Mr Graham again. Here we go.Copy !req
736. What if it doesn't come back?Copy !req
737. You can't live your life like that.Copy !req
738. Oh!Copy !req
739. What now, Ivo?Copy !req
740. I've got to leave
the complex, really.Copy !req
741. No, I've got to get the gold shoes.
Ah, OK.Copy !req
742. Can I wear those gold shoes?Copy !req
743. Thank you very much. Pleasure.Copy !req
744. "Alex will give you his shoes
if you do one of the following -Copy !req
745. "deposit £100 in his bank account,Copy !req
746. "give him a perfect dippy boiled eggCopy !req
747. "with buttered soldiers
and a glass of milk,Copy !req
748. "physically remove them."Copy !req
749. Yes, the egg isn't
totally submerged.Copy !req
750. He's not got long. Seven minutes.Copy !req
751. Oh, this is disgusting.Copy !req
752. What I'm doing is disgusting.Copy !req
753. Good... for an omelette.
It's cost another four minutes.Copy !req
754. The stench of failure hangs
over this task.Copy !req
755. Failure and egg.Copy !req
756. Two minutes left.Copy !req
757. Another big moment now.Copy !req
758. Yes, beautiful.Copy !req
759. Ivo.Copy !req
760. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
761. Oh, lovely.Copy !req
762. 30 seconds.
I've lured you with a bad egg.Copy !req
763. That was my milk.Copy !req
764. It's my milk now.Copy !req
765. Was that always your plan, just
to attack him when he came near?Copy !req
766. My... I didn't really have a plan.Copy !req
767. I did want to commit
some sort of physical assault,Copy !req
768. but I was also seduced
by the romance of tryingCopy !req
769. to cook the perfect dippy egg.Copy !req
770. It did take him
about 17 minutes to boil an eqg,Copy !req
771. but that's in your favour,Copy !req
772. cos if you're the last person,
you get four points. Slowest. Yeah.Copy !req
773. And you did complete
the task with 16 seconds to go.Copy !req
774. Ooh!Copy !req
775. Pretty neat stuff, actually.Copy !req
776. Well, then.Copy !req
777. Well, then. Well, then.Copy !req
778. So, it looks like Mae gets
the five and Ivo gets the four.Copy !req
779. Right. But it is worth doing
one last check.Copy !req
780. Remember,
if anything touches the grassCopy !req
781. other than golden shoes,
you're disqualified.Copy !req
782. "Your time starts now."Copy !req
783. Can I have a look in the bath?Copy !req
784. Well, you're not allowed
to stand on the grass.Copy !req
785. Oh!Copy !req
786. Don't step on the...Copy !req
787. Ah!Copy !req
788. What's happened?Copy !req
789. Nothing.Copy !req
790. Don't go on the grass!Copy !req
791. Ah!Copy !req
792. So close.Copy !req
793. So close. So close.Copy !req
794. Ivo, you also put
the podium on the grass.Copy !req
795. Please don't take my four pointsCopy !req
796. with three other people
getting zero away from me.Copy !req
797. The only things that went on
the grass that were goldenCopy !req
798. were the shoe over here...Copy !req
799. and the shoes over here.Copy !req
800. I... I'm really throwing myself fully
behind "yellow isn't gold" now.Copy !req
801. What I would say is that
if we disqualified Frankie,Copy !req
802. then Mae is then both the fastest
and the slowestCopy !req
803. and will get nine points.Copy !req
804. Ooh!Copy !req
805. Frankie, I loved your gold shoes.Copy !req
806. Beautiful.Copy !req
807. So, everyone's perfectly happy
with the golden bats now, I presume?Copy !req
808. Yeah, I love 'em. Love them.
I'm not.Copy !req
809. Sorry, Mae. I'm going to allow it.
OK. There you go.Copy !req
810. Congratulations.Copy !req
811. Frankie, you get four points.
Mae Martin, another five points.Copy !req
812. Let's have a look at the scores.Copy !req
813. Mae's on 16 and Frankie's on 15.Copy !req
814. Hey!Copy !req
815. Well, will you please make
your way to the stageCopy !req
816. for the final task of the show?Copy !req
817. Who's going to read the task out,
Alex?Copy !req
818. Ivo Graham is going
to read the task out.Copy !req
819. "Walk around the chairs
listening to Greg's story.Copy !req
820. "Then sit on a chair when you hear
a word containing two letter Is."Copy !req
821. KIELL EXHALES SHARPLYCopy !req
822. “If you stop walking or touch
a chair incorrectly,Copy !req
823. "you are disqualified.Copy !req
824. "If you fail to sit on a chair
when you hear a wordCopy !req
825. "containing two letter Is,
you are disqualified.Copy !req
826. "Best listener wins."Copy !req
827. So, it's basically going
to be like musical chairs,Copy !req
828. but instead of music,Copy !req
829. it's going to be Greg
reading a story to you.Copy !req
830. There are four stories,Copy !req
831. and each story will have
a different rule.Copy !req
832. So, it's two Is in the first story.Copy !req
833. Aw, man.Copy !req
834. Please read the first story
and walk when he talks.Copy !req
835. "The sun was setting.Copy !req
836. "The light was magicalCopy !req
837. "and the water lapped
at the shore of the lake.Copy !req
838. "'Right,' said Greg.Copy !req
839. "'Get your clothes off.
You're going in.'Copy !req
840. "'I don't want to,' said the
scrawny, sausage-shaped man.Copy !req
841. "I need you to retrieve
the stone I just threw in,'Copy !req
842. "whispered Greg, noisily.Copy !req
843. “It's one of my favourite stones,
I think.'Copy !req
844. Ooh!Copy !req
845. "And so..."Copy !req
846. " little Alex Horne.Copy !req
847. Oh!Copy !req
848. You did that very badly.
Very, very badly.Copy !req
849. Kiell first struck a chair,
so was pretty much disqualified,Copy !req
850. and then just walked over to me.Copy !req
851. Greg, what's the rule
for the next story?Copy !req
852. The next story, you should sit down
when you hear a wordCopy !req
853. with a U in it.Copy !req
854. Off we go. Story two.Copy !req
855. “In the morning,
I like to have a pot of coffeeCopy !req
856. "and a slice of cake.Copy !req
857. “Little Alex Horne brings them in
when I ring my little bell.Copy !req
858. "I let him wear his yellow cape
if he is a very lucky boy."Copy !req
859. Oh!Copy !req
860. Frankie Boyle
shoulder-barging Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
861. Are you OK, Jenny?Copy !req
862. I can't believe that happened.Copy !req
863. Can we remove a chair?Copy !req
864. Yeah, fuck this.Copy !req
865. This time, you should sit downCopy !req
866. when you hear a word
that starts and endsCopy !req
867. with the same letter.Copy !req
868. "These are the closing rulesCopy !req
869. "the Taskmaster expects
those around him to adhere toCopy !req
870. "at all times.Copy !req
871. "One, the shirt should be tucked inCopy !req
872. “really tucked in.Copy !req
873. "Right in! Two..."Copy !req
874. I mean, Ivo was following,Copy !req
875. but there was no words there
that started and endedCopy !req
876. with the same letter.Copy !req
877. We've lost Frankie Boyle.Copy !req
878. Frankie, you've lost it.Copy !req
879. As soon as the Boyle bottom went,
mine was swiftly following.Copy !req
880. This is the final, Greg.Copy !req
881. Right, this time,
you should sit downCopy !req
882. when you hear a six-letter word.Copy !req
883. Are you ready? Yeah. OK.Copy !req
884. "I don't remember much
about that fateful night.Copy !req
885. "It was cold.Copy !req
886. "The moon was full, I know that.Copy !req
887. "I'm not an idiot.Copy !req
888. "And I can't be held responsible
for the terrible accidentCopy !req
889. "that happened to little
Alex Horne."Copy !req
890. Oh!Copy !req
891. We have a winner.
"Little" has got six letters.Copy !req
892. Do you want to come down hereCopy !req
893. and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores?Copy !req
894. Ah! Very good.Copy !req
895. Well, that was exciting, I thought.Copy !req
896. Yes. Kiell was the worst listener.Copy !req
897. But the best was Mae Martin,
with five points,Copy !req
898. and that does mean this episode
has been won by Mae Martin!Copy !req
899. Again! 21 points.Copy !req
900. There we go.Copy !req
901. Mae Martin wins.Copy !req
902. Please go and bag your
bathroom bootie.Copy !req
903. What have we learned today?Copy !req
904. If you ever find yourself
lying in bed aloneCopy !req
905. and you get a pleasant feeling
that you maybe haven't feltCopy !req
906. for a long time, relax.Copy !req
907. It's good news.Copy !req
908. Salvatore lived,Copy !req
909. and you're about
to get your body rocked.Copy !req
910. Please clap once again
for the winner of tonight's show.Copy !req
911. It's Mae Martin!Copy !req