1. Brace, brace!Copy !req
2. I'm bracing!Copy !req
3. Hm!Copy !req
4. This program me contains
strong language and adult humourCopy !req
5. No, no, no, no!Copy !req
6. No!Copy !req
7. Ahh!Copy !req
8. What?Copy !req
9. Hello! I'm Greg Davies.Copy !req
10. Welcome to Taskmaster,
and, spoiler alert,Copy !req
11. I don't know everything.Copy !req
12. I don't know how
the pyramids were built,Copy !req
13. I can't explain nuclear fusion,Copy !req
14. I don't know what butter is.
What is it?Copy !req
15. No-one knows really. Off-milk?Copy !req
16. Try spreading off-milk
on your kids' toast.Copy !req
17. They'll be off school for
a fortnight, you idiot.Copy !req
18. So, why would five comediansCopy !req
19. risk everything to win a trophy
that doesn't look like anyone?Copy !req
20. It's not me -
I've had a beard for five years.Copy !req
21. It doesn't matter.Copy !req
22. The point is, we don't need
to know the answer to everything.Copy !req
23. Sometimes we just need to...Copy !req
24. . drink it in.Copy !req
25. So, please raise your glasses...Copy !req
26. to Frankie Boyle...Copy !req
27. Ivo Graham...Copy !req
28. Jenny Eclair...Copy !req
29. Kiell Smith-Bynoe...Copy !req
30. and Mae Martin.Copy !req
31. And next to me,Copy !req
32. the chips to my fish,
the nut to my bolt,Copy !req
33. the toilet bowl
to my heavy beef lunch...Copy !req
34. .it is...Copy !req
35. .. Little Alex Horne!Copy !req
36. Hello, Greg. You all right?
Yeah. Do you want a game of I Spy?Copy !req
37. Yes, please. OK, well, let's play.Copy !req
38. What sort of pie is this?Copy !req
39. It's an ice pie.Copy !req
40. It's an ice pie, isn't it?Copy !req
41. You've got...
You've got the guess the filling.Copy !req
42. That's the... the game.
That's the game.Copy !req
43. And then, we crack it open
and find out if you're right.Copy !req
44. It's really wet.Copy !req
45. OK, I think it's a chicken pie.Copy !req
46. It is a chicken pie. OK.Copy !req
47. He's won "ice pie"!Copy !req
48. On with the prize task.Copy !req
49. For today's prize task,Copy !req
50. you demanded the comedians
brought in the best thingCopy !req
51. to play about with in your bathroom.Copy !req
52. The winner of the episode
is guaranteedCopy !req
53. some seriously top-level
bathroom fun.Copy !req
54. Ooh!Copy !req
55. Kiell, I'll start with you.Copy !req
56. What do you like playing
with in your bathroom?Copy !req
57. I like playing with a piano.Copy !req
58. Here it is.Copy !req
59. Does it drown out
unfortunate sounds?Copy !req
60. Um, it depends how high
you turn it up.Copy !req
61. So, are you saying you could provide
the soundtrack to the moment?Copy !req
62. Is that what you...?
You call it "the moment"?Copy !req
63. Do you not call it "the moment"?Copy !req
64. He's always called it "the moment".Copy !req
65. What tunes could a man play
on this piece of tat?Copy !req
66. Oh, we're talking
Three Blind Mice, um...Copy !req
67. End of sentence.Copy !req
68. It's shit.Copy !req
69. That is... That is
a disappointing start.Copy !req
70. Mae.Copy !req
71. Well, I guess if people
stay around my house,Copy !req
72. I want them to have
a very exciting and thrilling time,Copy !req
73. and I like to live on
the edge dangerously.Copy !req
74. So, I've made, uh,
a toothpaste Russian roulette.Copy !req
75. Here's a picture of it. Mm.Copy !req
76. Toothpaste Russian roulette.Copy !req
77. OK, so, there's different
things in each tube.Copy !req
78. So, one has mayonnaise,
one has cream cheese,Copy !req
79. one has face cream... Oh!
.. and one has toothpaste.Copy !req
80. I've never felt such danger
as brushing my teeth with cheese.Copy !req
81. Yeah.Copy !req
82. Quite fun, though, in a way.Copy !req
83. It's fun, and you've made an effort.Copy !req
84. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
85. Yeah.Copy !req
86. Frankie.Copy !req
87. You know when you have a bath,Copy !req
88. you set up a lot of candles,
you create an atmosphere?Copy !req
89. Why not...? One does.Copy !req
90. Why not...?Copy !req
91. Why not use that atmosphere
to contact the dead...Copy !req
92. with a laminated Ouija board
specifically designedCopy !req
93. to contact the dead members
of the group the Bee Gees.Copy !req
94. Wow.Copy !req
95. So, here is Frankie's waterproof
Bee Gee Ouija board.Copy !req
96. I really like it, Frankie.
I probably shouldn't. I do, though.Copy !req
97. And I'm a big fan of the Bee Gees.Copy !req
98. RIP. RIP.Copy !req
99. Hello, Barry!Copy !req
100. Ivo.Copy !req
101. Greg, I've brought in
a prize task that combinesCopy !req
102. a lovely bit of music,
a lovely bit of danger,Copy !req
103. and even a little bit of death.Copy !req
104. It's a scale model of the Titanic.Copy !req
105. And here it is.Copy !req
106. Come on, Greg. God...Copy !req
107. Don't you want to bathe with her?Copy !req
108. I don't want to, um,Copy !req
109. recreate one of the worst
maritime disasters in history.Copy !req
110. But you don't have to recreate it.Copy !req
111. You can keep your scale model of
the Titanic afloat in the bath. Afloat.Copy !req
112. That's the beauty of the prize task.Copy !req
113. You can change history
for the better.Copy !req
114. I don't think you can
change history.Copy !req
115. Hello, Jenny. Hello, boys. Hello.Copy !req
116. Hello, both.Copy !req
117. I don't know whether either of you,
or any of my team-mates here,Copy !req
118. are clenchers or grinders -
the world does divide.Copy !req
119. Clencher or grinder? Grinder.Copy !req
120. Grinder.Copy !req
121. Grinder.Copy !req
122. I'm a clencher. Terrible clencher.Copy !req
123. And this is a charming
mouth brace I have to wear at night,Copy !req
124. and I can put it in... OK.Copy !req
125. Have you lost your mind?Copy !req
126. I told you... OK, OK.Copy !req
127. So, I start like that, right...Copy !req
128. .. and it's disgusting,Copy !req
129. and you can never
get it properly clean.Copy !req
130. Uh, so, on the market,Copy !req
131. there's this digital brace cleaner
that you can get.Copy !req
132. In short, Jenny has brought
in a dental pod.Copy !req
133. Yeah.Copy !req
134. No...Copy !req
135. To have some fun in the bathroom?Copy !req
136. They also are quite expensive,Copy !req
137. and I haven't
treated myself to one.Copy !req
138. I thought, "If I ask them
to get me one on this,Copy !req
139. "I'll go home with it..."Copy !req
140. ".. even if I don't win...
if I don't win."Copy !req
141. Well, you're going to have
to judge this, Greg.Copy !req
142. Jenny's definitely helped me out.Copy !req
143. One point for Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
144. Two points to Mae.Copy !req
145. Three to lvo, I think. Right.Copy !req
146. Four to Kiell.Copy !req
147. So, Frankie Boyle takes
the five points.Copy !req
148. With the Ouija board,
Frankie Boyle, five points.Copy !req
149. OK, let's have a proper task.Copy !req
150. Yes, I know.Copy !req
151. I-] agree.Copy !req
152. OK, here is the task right now.Copy !req
153. COw MOOSCopy !req
154. Hello.Copy !req
155. Hello, everyone. All have a seat.Copy !req
156. Hmm.Copy !req
157. Two chairs. That's a bit ominous.Copy !req
158. Ah, got a heart.Copy !req
159. What's all this about?Copy !req
160. "Invent an imaginary companion.”Copy !req
161. I do that every day.Copy !req
162. "Then complete a domestic task
with your imaginary companion.”Copy !req
163. "Your imaginary companion
must either be much tallerCopy !req
164. "or much littler than you."Copy !req
165. "Most poignant scene wins."
Interesting criteria.Copy !req
166. "You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
167. Have you ever had
an imaginary friend?Copy !req
168. Yep. We wore the same jacket.Copy !req
169. It's really just
a dramatic scene with just myself.Copy !req
170. Pretty much any story
of a 49-year-old manCopy !req
171. with an imaginary friend is going
to have a certain poignancy.Copy !req
172. What you thinking?
Washing up. That's poignant.Copy !req
173. If I can get a tear out,
that's got to be worth a point.Copy !req
174. I would have thought so. Yeah, OK.Copy !req
175. Do I want
this fragile-headed tall blokeCopy !req
176. or a tiny little...? In my pocket?Copy !req
177. Got to keep him in my bra like a...Copy !req
178. There we go. It's in there.Copy !req
179. Ah.Copy !req
180. So, we're off to the kitchen? Sure.Copy !req
181. 'I be in the kitchen.Copy !req
182. Are you all right in there?
You're fine in there, aren't you?Copy !req
183. You're all right.Copy !req
184. We're going to go for a little walk
to the kitchen.Copy !req
185. Come on. Let's do that.Copy !req
186. Kiel}, tell me about your childhood
friend. What was his name?Copy !req
187. Chicago.Copy !req
188. What sort of stuff did you
and Chicago get up to?Copy !req
189. Skateboarding, uh,
making up songs...Copy !req
190. Remember any of them?Copy !req
191. All of them started
with "I don't know how much".Copy !req
192. Fucking hell.Copy !req
193. Like...Copy !req
194. It's the most poignant task
we've ever had on the show.Copy !req
195. Are you ready to see it?
Let's have a look.Copy !req
196. All right, we're going to begin
with three real friendsCopy !req
197. called Frankie, Kiel|, and Mae,Copy !req
198. and their unreal friends,Copy !req
199. who are called Andy, Louis,
and Salvatore.Copy !req
200. Here we go.Copy !req
201. Just been cooking some cookies
my little friend Imaginary Andy.Copy !req
202. It's his first day at school today,
imaginary friend school.Copy !req
203. He loves cookies.Copy !req
204. Andy would do absolutely anything
to get his hands on some cookies.Copy !req
205. He's a bit late, actually.Copy !req
206. Salvatore.Copy !req
207. Mm! Yeah, here. It's good, right?Copy !req
208. There you go, on there.Copy !req
209. Look at us - best friends,
Kiell, Louis,Copy !req
210. about to do the washing up.Copy !req
211. Mm. I'm sorry about my family.Copy !req
212. They don't...
understand what we have.Copy !req
213. But since I found you
under a toadstool,Copy !req
214. I've felt like
I finally make sense, you know?Copy !req
215. So, tell me more
about your plans for life.Copy !req
216. Really?Copy !req
217. I've always wanted
to see New Zealand, too.Copy !req
218. It's a long flight,
but I'd look after you.Copy !req
219. You know I've always got you back.
Forever. Best friends.Copy !req
220. What's that?
Sorry, I can't talk just now.Copy !req
221. Yeah. No, I'm waiting
for Andy to come back.Copy !req
222. Yeah, he is a little bit late. Yeah.Copy !req
223. I'm just going to put these away,
yeah? Don't you move.Copy !req
224. I feel like that soup needs
a little more spice.Copy !req
225. Salvatore?Copy !req
226. Salvatore?Copy !req
227. And if we...Copy !req
228. Louis?Copy !req
229. Louis? Where'd you...?Copy !req
230. Louis?Copy !req
231. Oh, he's back.Copy !req
232. Where is he?Copy !req
233. Andy! Andy, no!Copy !req
234. Andy!Copy !req
235. No, Andy!Copy !req
236. Oh, Jesus Christ!Copy !req
237. HE SOBS, LAUGHTERCopy !req
238. Oh, my God! Sal!Copy !req
239. Babe! Oh, my God!Copy !req
240. It's my best friend!Copy !req
241. We'll never go to New Zealand!Copy !req
242. No!Copy !req
243. Oh! Oh, my God.Copy !req
244. Ahh!Copy !req
245. No!Copy !req
246. Andy!Copy !req
247. I don't want anybody else.Copy !req
248. Nobody rocks my body
or my world like Sal.Copy !req
249. I love you, Sal.Copy !req
250. Oh, my God. Mm.Copy !req
251. I sort of found...Copy !req
252. There were a couple
of genuinely harrowing moments.Copy !req
253. Salvatore boiled to death.Copy !req
254. In the soup. Louis was washed away.Copy !req
255. He'll never get to go to New
Zealand.Copy !req
256. And then Frankie, fucking hell...Copy !req
257. . that...Copy !req
258. that "Jesus Christ"
was genuinely too much. Yeah.Copy !req
259. I might ask you why
at any point did you seekCopy !req
260. to open the oven door,Copy !req
261. choosing to let him carry on
burning.Copy !req
262. Cheaper than a cremation.Copy !req
263. Um, Mae, heart-breaking.Copy !req
264. The only thing that slightly
brought me out of the narrativeCopy !req
265. and perhaps moved me away from
the great tragedy just for a beatCopy !req
266. was the notion that Salvatore
used to, and I quote,Copy !req
267. “rock your body...Copy !req
268. I'd like more people at funeralsCopy !req
269. to give speeches about how
they were going to miss the sex.Copy !req
270. OK, hold up,
that's the end of part one,Copy !req
271. and my chance to find out what
it's like to sit on someone's lap.Copy !req
272. See you soon.Copy !req
273. No, no, no.Copy !req
274. No!Copy !req
275. Hello!Copy !req
276. Welcome back to TaskmasterCopy !req
277. and the conclusion
of our imaginary friend task.Copy !req
278. Did you have an imaginary friend,
Alex?Copy !req
279. No, Greg.Copy !req
280. They never wanted
to hang out with me,Copy !req
281. but I didn't care,
because I had woodlice.Copy !req
282. Well, yes, the current taskCopy !req
283. involves creating a poignant sceneCopy !req
284. with either a very small
or a very tall imaginary friend.Copy !req
285. We've had three smalls,Copy !req
286. but now it's time
for a biggie with Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
287. Oh, Ed, you're so funny.
You make me laugh all the time.Copy !req
288. We have such fun together, don't we?Copy !req
289. I mean, I know we don't
always see eye to eye.Copy !req
290. That's not really possible, is it,Copy !req
291. what with you being
really so tall, and all that.Copy !req
292. This is quite hard and hot work.Copy !req
293. Gosh, I could do with a cold drink,Copy !req
294. or something like that.Copy !req
295. Hold on. Ice cream!Copy !req
296. SQUELCHING, FOLLOWED BY A THUDCopy !req
297. Oh, Ed!Copy !req
298. Your head!Copy !req
299. Oh, Ed!Copy !req
300. I'm sorry!Copy !req
301. Ahh! I'm going to have to get
another imaginary friend now!Copy !req
302. Ahh!Copy !req
303. I'm not sure
I've ever felt less moved.Copy !req
304. changed my mind.Copy !req
305. I had my little bra friend,Copy !req
306. and then |I...
I don't know what happened to them.Copy !req
307. She suffocated. Well,
sheer hysteria seemed to set in.Copy !req
308. There's not a court in the landCopy !req
309. that wouldn't convict you
of murder there.Copy !req
310. Next up, it's Ivo.Copy !req
311. What could be nicer?Copy !req
312. Hot summer's day,
couple of lads cleaning their cars.Copy !req
313. Make sure you're thorough.Copy !req
314. Look.Copy !req
315. Really get every bit there,
you see?Copy !req
316. Oh, it's looking great.Copy !req
317. I'm so proud of you.Copy !req
318. I'm so proud of us.Copy !req
319. Most people wouldn't giveCopy !req
320. their imaginary friend
their own set of wheels,Copy !req
321. and one day, we're going to go
on the sweetest road trip together.Copy !req
322. Not in the same car,Copy !req
323. but driving side by sideCopy !req
324. singing each other songs
through our windows.Copy !req
325. And you'll be so...Copy !req
326. Where...?Copy !req
327. What about our road trip?Copy !req
328. You teach them to wash their carCopy !req
329. and they just drive off
into the sunset without you.Copy !req
330. If you love something, set it free.Copy !req
331. In many ways, more tragic,Copy !req
332. because you're friend chose
to leave you.Copy !req
333. Yes. I drew on some powerful
real experience.Copy !req
334. Speaks to a certain level
of social status, though, doesn't itCopy !req
335. when your imaginary friend
has a car?Copy !req
336. Time to score them.
Who's in last place, Greg?Copy !req
337. I'm going to give Jenny two points.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, yeah.Copy !req
338. Because I did enjoy
the act of... of beheading.Copy !req
339. Then I'm going to go up to Kiell.Copy !req
340. It was a poignant set-up. I
didn't...Copy !req
341. I wasn't as moved at the end,Copy !req
342. and at the back of my head,
I think he might have lived.Copy !req
343. OK, three points to Kiell.Copy !req
344. Mae and Ivo, I would
probably give four points to,Copy !req
345. because when Frankie shouted
"Jesus Christ",Copy !req
346. I actually out loud went,
"Oh, my God!"Copy !req
347. And therefore he must take
the five points.Copy !req
348. There we go. Well done,
Frankie Boyle. Five points.Copy !req
349. Let's see a scoreboard then.
All right.Copy !req
350. Well, he's not won an episode yet,Copy !req
351. but currently a maximum score
of ten,Copy !req
352. it's Frankie Boyle in the lead.Copy !req
353. Wow.Copy !req
354. What's next, Alex?Copy !req
355. It's time for breakfast. Mm!Copy !req
356. Hello.Copy !req
357. Oh, my favourites. Eggs.Copy !req
358. Good morning.Copy !req
359. Hi. Good...Copy !req
360. Hi. There's something funny
about an egg.Copy !req
361. May |7 You may.Copy !req
362. "Efficiently shell an egg."Copy !req
363. "You may not touch
any part of any egg..."Copy !req
364. ".. With your hands."Copy !req
365. I thought this was going
to be pretty simple for a while.Copy !req
366. Yeah.Copy !req
367. ".. And you may only break
the shell of one of the eggs.”Copy !req
368. What does that mean?Copy !req
369. Why have I got all these eggs
if I'm only doing one egg?Copy !req
370. That's a great question.Copy !req
371. "Fewest pieces
of egg-less shell wins."Copy !req
372. Why is this so confusing?Copy !req
373. "Fewest pieces of egg-less shell... ”Copy !req
374. I'm going to go
into full crisis here.Copy !req
375. I just don't understand
what's been asked of me. Right.Copy !req
376. I'm not thick... OK. .. OK?Copy !req
377. I'll write that down.Copy !req
378. So, do you understand the task?Copy !req
379. Not really, Alex, no. No.Copy !req
380. So, you've got to get
the shell off an eqgqg.Copy !req
381. That's about right.Copy !req
382. You have a maximum of ten minutes.Copy !req
383. Your time starts now.Copy !req
384. There seemed to be some
collective confusionCopy !req
385. over this task there.Copy !req
386. Yes, all five of them.Copy !req
387. We're you surprised that they didn't
understand the task? Completely. Yeah.Copy !req
388. They couldn't use their hands
so they had to peel the eggCopy !req
389. in as few pieces as possible.Copy !req
390. We gave them a choice of eggsCopy !req
391. because that might be important,
it might not. Write that then!Copy !req
392. Here we go.Copy !req
393. Some of these eggs aren't going
to break, are they?Copy !req
394. Some of them are not real eggs. OK.Copy !req
395. Just sort of test the weight.Copy !req
396. That's quite a sensible thing
to do, isn't it?Copy !req
397. They all sound real to me.Copy !req
398. How, were they?Copy !req
399. All roughly the same weight.Copy !req
400. That's a relief.Copy !req
401. "Fewest pieces of egg-less shell... ”Copy !req
402. Egg-less shell.Copy !req
403. You've taken a shoe off.Copy !req
404. Yeah.Copy !req
405. Well, what about
if I had a tea towelCopy !req
406. and an egg in it,Copy !req
407. and then I wouldn't be touching it
with my hands.Copy !req
408. I'd be touching it with the...Copy !req
409. Right OK.Copy !req
410. Were you aiming
for the middle of the egg?Copy !req
411. Yes, I was.Copy !req
412. Can I use a practice egg?Copy !req
413. Well, all I can say, Ivo,Copy !req
414. is that all the information
is on the task.Copy !req
415. So, if I get that egg out...Copy !req
416. Ah. Right.Copy !req
417. Egg-less shell. Yep.Copy !req
418. How we doing for time?Copy !req
419. Three minutes 44 left.Copy !req
420. Seriously? Mm-hm.Copy !req
421. Let's get the rest of this out.Copy !req
422. It's just going to be three pieces.Copy !req
423. Are you sure? Yeah.Copy !req
424. Uh...Copy !req
425. We're definitely keen
that you shell an egg at some point.Copy !req
426. Yeah, you...Copy !req
427. Oh, that's quite a crunchy
bit of egg you're eating.Copy !req
428. Oh, stop it. Shut up.Copy !req
429. Hmm.Copy !req
430. Doesn't feel good, does it,
putting it in my mouth?Copy !req
431. Or just a knife.Copy !req
432. A nice tiny sliver of shell.Copy !req
433. That's turning into
so many bits of small shell.Copy !req
434. I can hear them.Copy !req
435. Ooh!Copy !req
436. That's a nice big bit.Copy !req
437. Now what are you doing?Copy !req
438. Nothing. JUST finishing off my egg.Copy !req
439. Another crunchy bit?Copy !req
440. Thanks, Jenny.
Right. I'm a bit egged out now.Copy !req
441. Well, first things first, Jenny.
Why did you take your shoe off?Copy !req
442. I just wondered whetherCopy !req
443. I could do something
with the shoelace.Copy !req
444. I don't know why.Copy !req
445. I mean, normally, Ivo,
I see you as, you know,Copy !req
446. quite a person of action.Copy !req
447. You normally think,
"Right, I'll have a go at this."Copy !req
448. But you just seemed lost
for a long time with it.Copy !req
449. I think the only good thing
I did in that ten minutesCopy !req
450. was keep both of my shoes on.Copy !req
451. Why did you try
to work out the weight of the eggs?Copy !req
452. What did you think was going on
with the eggs?Copy !req
453. Um, well, I don't think even
the successful shellers amongst usCopy !req
454. will have provided any answer
as to why there were five eggs.Copy !req
455. Oh, one of them has. Well, several.Copy !req
456. Me and Jenny over in thicko corner.Copy !req
457. "Jenny and I".Copy !req
458. "Thicko corner"?Copy !req
459. Oh, God, Ivo.Copy !req
460. I can't believe
I'm being told off by JennyCopy !req
461. for ruining our friendshipCopy !req
462. and told off my Alex
for using bad grammarCopy !req
463. at the same time.Copy !req
464. It's really gone badly, hasn't it?Copy !req
465. Well, look,
I had the slightly sad jobCopy !req
466. of having to count
the pieces afterwards.Copy !req
467. Uh, Ivo, 13 pieces of eggshell.
Yes!Copy !req
468. Jenny, 20 pieces, and that's
not including the pieces you ate.Copy !req
469. Yeah. Which were many.Copy !req
470. All right, then,
it's time for Kiell and Frankie.Copy !req
471. I've got to somehow
select the hardest egg.Copy !req
472. You're looking for a hard egg?Copy !req
473. I'm looking for
the hardest possible egg.Copy !req
474. What about that...? Whoa...Copy !req
475. I think...
I think this one is up for it.Copy !req
476. I had an idea.Copy !req
477. Maybe the hard-boiled egg
will sink furthest to the bottom.Copy !req
478. What's your method, Kiell?Copy !req
479. Uh, pick it up and drop it.Copy !req
480. That one had a bit of
a slower trajectory.Copy !req
481. What are we learning?Copy !req
482. What do people normally use?
To do this?Copy !req
483. Yeah. A spoon?Copy !req
484. OK.Copy !req
485. Or this. And this.Copy !req
486. Ah.Copy !req
487. What have you found?
I don't know what that is.Copy !req
488. Ooh.Copy !req
489. That to me seemed quite hard.Copy !req
490. Go on, get in.Copy !req
491. Right.Copy !req
492. I don't really understand
how that's happened.Copy !req
493. So, that's the egg you've chosen,
is it? Yeah. This is the moment.Copy !req
494. It's going be, like,
a thousand pieces of eggshell.Copy !req
495. There we go. All right.Copy !req
496. Bit of a mess.Copy !req
497. I mean, I don't think I've seen
anyone peel an egg this badly.Copy !req
498. I think I'm smashing this.Copy !req
499. Is that a pun?Copy !req
500. Oh, you.Copy !req
501. Oh, that's better.Copy !req
502. Well, you know, it kind of
came together at the end there.Copy !req
503. Finished? Yeah. Soz about that.Copy !req
504. Bye-bye.Copy !req
505. Frankie, did your "drop an egg
in the water" system help much?Copy !req
506. No.Copy !req
507. Uh, I think I hadn't entirely
understood the task,Copy !req
508. and also I stopped caring...Copy !req
509. That was very much true.
.. halfway through, and...Copy !req
510. Welcome to thicko corner. Yeah.Copy !req
511. You are welcome.Copy !req
512. Kiell accidentally found the solution,Copy !req
513. which is you're looking
for a raw eqg,Copy !req
514. cos then you can get the egg out
in one.Copy !req
515. You can make a little hole
and blow the egg out in one.Copy !req
516. I'm not going to be blowing the egg
out. But you nearly did blow the egg out.Copy !req
517. You did a good job
using some drawing implements.Copy !req
518. I did have to count
all the little bits.Copy !req
519. There were six little bits,Copy !req
520. but that's a lot fewer
than Frankie, who had 83.Copy !req
521. Right, and that is
the end of part two.Copy !req
522. "All good things must come
to an end," my auntie always says.Copy !req
523. She remains to this day
one of the most boring human beingsCopy !req
524. I've had the misfortune
to spend time with.Copy !req
525. See you in a bit.Copy !req
526. Hello! We're back.Copy !req
527. It's the third part
of tonight's show,Copy !req
528. and once again, we find ourselves
in the company of eggs.Copy !req
529. Hi. There's
something funny about an egg.Copy !req
530. Yes.Copy !req
531. The current task involves
efficient shelling.Copy !req
532. They can't use their hands.Copy !req
533. Only one egg can be touched,
and fewest pieces of eggshell wins.Copy !req
534. Here's Mae's attempt.Copy !req
535. OK, I'm just going to take
my shoes and socks off.Copy !req
536. Yes. Yeah. Me, too.Copy !req
537. OK. Are you allowed
to put them on the floor for me?Copy !req
538. Yeah, OK.Copy !req
539. It looks like I'm wanking off
an egg with my foot.Copy !req
540. Does a bit.Copy !req
541. Oh, God, it really does.Copy !req
542. No, fuck this. OK.Copy !req
543. OK.Copy !req
544. And now I'm going to put my mouth
on them.Copy !req
545. Hmm. Uh-huh.Copy !req
546. Would you prefer to work with
a boiled egg or an unboiled egg?Copy !req
547. Mm.Copy !req
548. I'm going to get a pinCopy !req
549. and then I'm going to hope
it's a raw eqg,Copy !req
550. and I'm going to make
a pin-sized hole.Copy !req
551. Right?Copy !req
552. Not sure this is the way.Copy !req
553. Ah.Copy !req
554. Well, that was the way.Copy !req
555. You pretty much finished the task.Copy !req
556. OK, I'm going to get
the rest of the egg out.Copy !req
557. I mean, I don't know
why I had my feetCopy !req
558. and my mouth involved
when I could have used any utensil.Copy !req
559. Fewest pieces of egg-less shell.Copy !req
560. If I'm being completely honest,
there's three.Copy !req
561. Yes, should be.Copy !req
562. I'm done. Yep.Copy !req
563. Three. Three.Copy !req
564. What does it say?Copy !req
565. "Frankie, Frankie, Jenny,
Frankie, Frankie."Copy !req
566. What does that mean?Copy !req
567. Well, I presume Jenny's boiled.Copy !req
568. No, Jenny was the raw one.Copy !req
569. Yeah, cos Frankie...Copy !req
570. Frankie and Benny. No, what?Copy !req
571. Frankie "Boyle".
Yeah, that's infuriating.Copy !req
572. What was the plan
when your shoes and socks came off?Copy !req
573. Oh, I was going to use my feet
to... to expertly shell it.Copy !req
574. I don't know.Copy !req
575. You were going to peel
the egg with your toes?Copy !req
576. I feel nauseous from watching that.
Like that was... I...Copy !req
577. We've all been quite traumatised.
Yeah.Copy !req
578. I don't know if you can tell.
Like...Copy !req
579. Yeah. But the pin idea was amazing.Copy !req
580. Oh, the pin idea was amazing.
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
581. Dropped the egg.
But then, a happy accident, right?Copy !req
582. It was a very happy accident,
like Kiell, really, and it worked.Copy !req
583. Just the three pieces.
They've definitely won.Copy !req
584. Shall we just score it and move on?Copy !req
585. Let's just agree it's been
the worst... LAUGHTERCopy !req
586. task and the worse response
to a task in 15 series,Copy !req
587. and let's move on.Copy !req
588. By some distance. By some distance.Copy !req
589. And yet, Frankie gets a point,
Jenny two, Ivo three,Copy !req
590. Kiell four,
but Mae Martin, five points.Copy !req
591. Do I dare ask for another?Copy !req
592. Thankfully, we do have another one,Copy !req
593. and I've been busy doing
a spot of landscaping.Copy !req
594. Ooh!Copy !req
595. Ha!Copy !req
596. This looks great.
Yeah, it's an improvement.Copy !req
597. Yeah. Bowling ball. Uh-huh.Copy !req
598. Right. Oh, do... Open the task.Copy !req
599. Yep, that's the first task.Copy !req
600. "Bash the big bell
with the bowling ball.”Copy !req
601. "Fastest gets five points."Copy !req
602. "Slowest gets four points.”Copy !req
603. "Nobody else gets any points.”Copy !req
604. Interesting.Copy !req
605. "You are to stay off the grass
unless you're wearing gold shoes."Copy !req
606. "If anything other than
the bowling ball or gold shoesCopy !req
607. "touches the grass,
you are disqualified.”Copy !req
608. "You have a maximum of 20 minutes."Copy !req
609. "Your time starts... now."Copy !req
610. Pretty straightforward.Copy !req
611. I'm looking forward to just
getting on with it. Crack on.Copy !req
612. All right, first up to give it
a bash are Jenny and Mae.Copy !req
613. Oh, no.Copy !req
614. I'm not going
to be able to do that.Copy !req
615. Well, it might hit.Copy !req
616. No, and now you can't reach it.Copy !req
617. No. I've got to find
some golden shoes.Copy !req
618. Gold shoes.Copy !req
619. Well, just going to have a lookCopy !req
620. for some gold shoes quickly.Copy !req
621. OK.Copy !req
622. I found one. Oh, well done.Copy !req
623. Yeah. That didn't take long.Copy !req
624. That pineapple is calling to me.Copy !req
625. It's a golden shoe!Copy !req
626. Is there another one?Copy !req
627. They normally come in pairs.Copy !req
628. They do, normally.Copy !req
629. There's no gold shoe
in here, is there?Copy !req
630. Well, where's the other golden shoe?Copy !req
631. Found the golden spray.Copy !req
632. They lent me a kicking shoe.Copy !req
633. I'm going to gold spray it.Copy !req
634. Yeah.Copy !req
635. No! No!Copy !req
636. What's wrong?Copy !req
637. Why would they do that?Copy !req
638. I only have one.Copy !req
639. So, what's the plan?Copy !req
640. Go on one foot.Copy !req
641. Can you do that? Yeah.Copy !req
642. I think I can.Copy !req
643. They're so golden.Copy !req
644. That's more like it.Copy !req
645. Golden shoes!Copy !req
646. OK.Copy !req
647. How does it feel? Scary.Copy !req
648. Yep.Copy !req
649. I'm allowed on the grass
in my golden shoes.Copy !req
650. Kicking the ball
with my golden shoes.Copy !req
651. Oh, bloody hell!Copy !req
652. I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
653. Come on! Come on! Yeah.Copy !req
654. I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
655. I think if you ever decide
you want to do pantomime,Copy !req
656. that would serve as
a very good audition tape,Copy !req
657. because you were literally
cackling like a lunatic.Copy !req
658. I'm not very good
with children en mass.Copy !req
659. Why didn't you pick up
the ball at any point?Copy !req
660. Why would you say that now?Copy !req
661. You both did really well.Copy !req
662. Uh, Jenny bashed the bell
in three minutes 40.Copy !req
663. Three minutes 40.Copy !req
664. If you'd got the right paint
first time around,Copy !req
665. you would have beaten Mae,
who got two minutes 57.Copy !req
666. So, you both did extremely well.Copy !req
667. Good start. Well done.Copy !req
668. Good start.Copy !req
669. Two big bell bangers now.Copy !req
670. It's Kiell and Frankie.Copy !req
671. Aw!Copy !req
672. I should try to hit it
before I do this, shouldn't I?Copy !req
673. Oh!Copy !req
674. May I have your shoes?Copy !req
675. You want my shoes?Copy !req
676. Yeah.Copy !req
677. Alex will give you his shoes
if you do one of the following -Copy !req
678. deposit £100 in his bank account,Copy !req
679. give him a perfect dippy
boiled egg with buttered soldiersCopy !req
680. and a glass of milk,Copy !req
681. physically remove them.Copy !req
682. How's it going, Frankie?Copy !req
683. Well, I took an assessment
of my bowling ability,Copy !req
684. and I thought, "Time
to make me some gold shoes."Copy !req
685. You know, it's not terrible.Copy !req
686. Oh!Copy !req
687. Come on!Copy !req
688. Argh!Copy !req
689. You bashed the bell. Yeah!Copy !req
690. What was your... plan when
you were rolling up the green?Copy !req
691. You were sort of pawing at Alex
like a cartoon cat in a...Copy !req
692. I thought I could wrestle him
to the ground and take his shoes.Copy !req
693. I didn't expect to see Frankie BoyleCopy !req
694. creeping across a green
with two swing-ball bats.Copy !req
695. Swing-ball bats
or golden snow shoes?Copy !req
696. Yellow. Yellow.
We all know it's not gold.Copy !req
697. It's yellow. Yellow.Copy !req
698. Well, what is gold?Copy !req
699. "Gold is a deep lustrous yellow
or yellow-brown colour.”Copy !req
700. That was neither.Copy !req
701. Only the fastest and the slowest
get the points here,Copy !req
702. and it's interesting.Copy !req
703. Mae, of course, two minutes 57.
Jenny, three minutes 40.Copy !req
704. That's not relevant now, Jenny,Copy !req
705. because Frankie,
six minutes 50 is the slowest,Copy !req
706. Kiell, three minutes 45,
so also not relevant.Copy !req
707. Oh! Frankie one end, Mae the other,Copy !req
708. if we allow the gorgeous
golden shoes on Frankie's feet.Copy !req
709. We'll carry on the gold/yellow
debate after the break.Copy !req
710. Right. Nearly there.
Only one part to go.Copy !req
711. A task to be finished,
the studio task, and then a winner -Copy !req
712. a winner of nanny's dental pod.Copy !req
713. That's Taskmaster.Copy !req
714. Hello!Copy !req
715. Welcome back to the last part
of tonight's show.Copy !req
716. Forgive me if I'm wrong, Alex,Copy !req
717. but isn't there still a big bell
to be bashed will a bowling ball?Copy !req
718. Ooh, bang-on, big boy.Copy !req
719. But they can't walk on the grass
unless they're wearing golden shoes.Copy !req
720. We've isolated one player...
or should I say Ivo-lated?Copy !req
721. It's Mr Graham again. Here we go.Copy !req
722. What if it doesn't come back?Copy !req
723. You can't live your life like that.Copy !req
724. Oh!Copy !req
725. What now, Ivo?Copy !req
726. I've got to leave
the complex, really.Copy !req
727. No, I've got to get the gold shoes.
Ah, OK.Copy !req
728. Can I wear those gold shoes?Copy !req
729. Thank you very much. Pleasure.Copy !req
730. "Alex will give you his shoes
if you do one of the following -Copy !req
731. "deposit £100 in his bank account,Copy !req
732. "give him a perfect dippy boiled eggCopy !req
733. "with buttered soldiers
and a glass of milk,Copy !req
734. "physically remove them."Copy !req
735. Yes, the egg isn't
totally submerged.Copy !req
736. He's not got long. Seven minutes.Copy !req
737. Oh, this is disgusting.Copy !req
738. What I'm doing is disgusting.Copy !req
739. Good... for an omelette.
It's cost another four minutes.Copy !req
740. The stench of failure hangs
over this task.Copy !req
741. Failure and egg.Copy !req
742. Two minutes left.Copy !req
743. Another big moment now.Copy !req
744. Yes, beautiful.Copy !req
745. Ivo.Copy !req
746. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
747. Oh, lovely.Copy !req
748. 30 seconds.
I've lured you with a bad egg.Copy !req
749. That was my milk.Copy !req
750. It's my milk now.Copy !req
751. Was that always your plan, just
to attack him when he came near?Copy !req
752. My... I didn't really have a plan.Copy !req
753. I did want to commit
some sort of physical assault,Copy !req
754. but I was also seduced
by the romance of tryingCopy !req
755. to cook the perfect dippy egg.Copy !req
756. It did take him
about 17 minutes to boil an eqg,Copy !req
757. but that's in your favour,Copy !req
758. cos if you're the last person,
you get four points. Slowest. Yeah.Copy !req
759. And you did complete
the task with 16 seconds to go.Copy !req
760. Ooh!Copy !req
761. Pretty neat stuff, actually.Copy !req
762. Well, then.Copy !req
763. Well, then. Well, then.Copy !req
764. So, it looks like Mae gets
the five and Ivo gets the four.Copy !req
765. Right. But it is worth doing
one last check.Copy !req
766. Remember,
if anything touches the grassCopy !req
767. other than golden shoes,
you're disqualified.Copy !req
768. "Your time starts now."Copy !req
769. Can I have a look in the bath?Copy !req
770. Well, you're not allowed
to stand on the grass.Copy !req
771. Oh!Copy !req
772. Don't step on the...Copy !req
773. Ah!Copy !req
774. What's happened?Copy !req
775. Nothing.Copy !req
776. Don't go on the grass!Copy !req
777. Ah!Copy !req
778. So close.Copy !req
779. So close. So close.Copy !req
780. Ivo, you also put
the podium on the grass.Copy !req
781. Please don't take my four pointsCopy !req
782. with three other people
getting zero away from me.Copy !req
783. The only things that went on
the grass that were goldenCopy !req
784. were the shoe over here...Copy !req
785. and the shoes over here.Copy !req
786. I... I'm really throwing myself fully
behind "yellow isn't gold" now.Copy !req
787. What I would say is that
if we disqualified Frankie,Copy !req
788. then Mae is then both the fastest
and the slowestCopy !req
789. and will get nine points.Copy !req
790. Ooh!Copy !req
791. Frankie, I loved your gold shoes.Copy !req
792. Beautiful.Copy !req
793. So, everyone's perfectly happy
with the golden bats now, I presume?Copy !req
794. Yeah, I love 'em. Love them.
I'm not.Copy !req
795. Sorry, Mae. I'm going to allow it.
OK. There you go.Copy !req
796. Congratulations.Copy !req
797. Frankie, you get four points.
Mae Martin, another five points.Copy !req
798. Let's have a look at the scores.Copy !req
799. Mae's on 16 and Frankie's on 15.Copy !req
800. Hey!Copy !req
801. Well, will you please make
your way to the stageCopy !req
802. for the final task of the show?Copy !req
803. Who's going to read the task out,
Alex?Copy !req
804. Ivo Graham is going
to read the task out.Copy !req
805. "Walk around the chairs
listening to Greg's story.Copy !req
806. "Then sit on a chair when you hear
a word containing two letter Is."Copy !req
807. “If you stop walking or touch
a chair incorrectly,Copy !req
808. "you are disqualified.Copy !req
809. "If you fail to sit on a chair
when you hear a wordCopy !req
810. "containing two letter Is,
you are disqualified.Copy !req
811. "Best listener wins."Copy !req
812. So, it's basically going
to be like musical chairs,Copy !req
813. but instead of music,Copy !req
814. it's going to be Greg
reading a story to you.Copy !req
815. There are four stories,Copy !req
816. and each story will have
a different rule.Copy !req
817. So, it's two Is in the first story.Copy !req
818. Aw, man.Copy !req
819. Please read the first story
and walk when he talks.Copy !req
820. "The sun was setting.Copy !req
821. "The light was magicalCopy !req
822. "and the water lapped
at the shore of the lake.Copy !req
823. "'Right,' said Greg.Copy !req
824. "'Get your clothes off.
You're going in.'Copy !req
825. "'I don't want to,' said the
scrawny, sausage-shaped man.Copy !req
826. "I need you to retrieve
the stone I just threw in,'Copy !req
827. "whispered Greg, noisily.Copy !req
828. “It's one of my favourite stones,
I think.'Copy !req
829. Ooh!Copy !req
830. "And so..."Copy !req
831. " little Alex Horne.Copy !req
832. Oh!Copy !req
833. You did that very badly.
Very, very badly.Copy !req
834. Kiell first struck a chair,
so was pretty much disqualified,Copy !req
835. and then just walked over to me.Copy !req
836. Greg, what's the rule
for the next story?Copy !req
837. The next story, you should sit down
when you hear a wordCopy !req
838. with a U in it.Copy !req
839. Off we go. Story two.Copy !req
840. “In the morning,
I like to have a pot of coffeeCopy !req
841. "and a slice of cake.Copy !req
842. “Little Alex Horne brings them in
when I ring my little bell.Copy !req
843. "I let him wear his yellow cape
if he is a very lucky boy."Copy !req
844. Oh!Copy !req
845. Frankie Boyle
shoulder-barging Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
846. Are you OK, Jenny?Copy !req
847. I can't believe that happened.Copy !req
848. Can we remove a chair?Copy !req
849. Yeah, fuck this.Copy !req
850. This time, you should sit downCopy !req
851. when you hear a word
that starts and endsCopy !req
852. with the same letter.Copy !req
853. "These are the closing rulesCopy !req
854. "the Taskmaster expects
those around him to adhere toCopy !req
855. "at all times.Copy !req
856. "One, the shirt should be tucked inCopy !req
857. “really tucked in.Copy !req
858. "Right in! Two..."Copy !req
859. I mean, Ivo was following,Copy !req
860. but there was no words there
that started and endedCopy !req
861. with the same letter.Copy !req
862. We've lost Frankie Boyle.Copy !req
863. Frankie, you've lost it.Copy !req
864. As soon as the Boyle bottom went,
mine was swiftly following.Copy !req
865. This is the final, Greg.Copy !req
866. Right, this time,
you should sit downCopy !req
867. when you hear a six-letter word.Copy !req
868. Are you ready? Yeah. OK.Copy !req
869. "I don't remember much
about that fateful night.Copy !req
870. "It was cold.Copy !req
871. "The moon was full, I know that.Copy !req
872. "I'm not an idiot.Copy !req
873. "And I can't be held responsible
for the terrible accidentCopy !req
874. "that happened to little
Alex Horne."Copy !req
875. Oh!Copy !req
876. We have a winner.
"Little" has got six letters.Copy !req
877. Do you want to come down hereCopy !req
878. and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores?Copy !req
879. Ah! Very good.Copy !req
880. Well, that was exciting, I thought.Copy !req
881. Yes. Kiell was the worst listener.Copy !req
882. But the best was Mae Martin,
with five points,Copy !req
883. and that does mean this episode
has been won by Mae Martin!Copy !req
884. Again! 21 points.Copy !req
885. There we go.Copy !req
886. Mae Martin wins.Copy !req
887. Please go and bag your
bathroom bootie.Copy !req
888. What have we learned today?Copy !req
889. If you ever find yourself
lying in bed aloneCopy !req
890. and you get a pleasant feeling
that you maybe haven't feltCopy !req
891. for a long time, relax.Copy !req
892. It's good news.Copy !req
893. Salvatore lived,Copy !req
894. and you're about
to get your body rocked.Copy !req
895. Please clap once again
for the winner of tonight's show.Copy !req
896. It's Mae Martin!Copy !req