Taskmaster 15x5

1. Brace, brace! I'm bracing.

2. LOUD CRASH

3. Hm.

4. This program me contains strong language and adult humour

5. No, no, no, no, no!

6. No!

7. Ahh!

8. What?

9. Hello! Yeah!

10. Welcome, everyone, to Taskmaster!

11. I'm Greg Davies, and I have a secret to tell you.

12. People often say to me, “If you're the Taskmaster,

13. "how come you're so old and out of shape?"

14. After I put them in a half Nelson, I whisper the secret in their ear.

15. "It's a fat suit, you fool.

16. "To be taken seriously, I need the gravity of an older man."

17. Beneath the suit, I am hench, ripped, tight,

18. piercing blue eyes, and soft, sun-bronzed skin.

19. My real name...

20. .. Juan Monroe III.

21. Let us meet those craving my wisdom, drunk on my judgment,

22. please welcome Frankie Boyle...

23. Ivo Graham...

24. Jenny Eclair...

25. Kiell Smith-Bynoe...

26. and Mae Martin.

27. And next to me, a man who recently told me he thinks that

28. former heavyweight world champion boxer Anthony Joshua

29. lost his title because of cowardice.

30. And I quote,

31. "If I ever meet him at a TV event,

32. “I'm going to teach that pussy to dance."

33. It's Little Alex Horne!

34. Yeah.

35. No, I don't remember... remember saying that.

36. You were adamant.

37. Hm. Hello! Everyone.

38. Are we having a lovely chat before we start the show?

39. N-No, I think we just crack on with that.

40. I've got the agenda for the show, so we all know what's happening.

41. Same as normal - prize task, task, task, task, stretching, task.

42. Optional wink. So, we're ready.

43. So, let's get on with it. Let's do the prize task, shall we?

44. Let's, as you say, do the prize task.

45. And this week, you asked them to bring in the luckiest thing.

46. Ooh! I'm such a lucky thing, sitting next to you.

47. You're a lucky boy. Hm.

48. Five points for the luckiest thing,

49. and all the lucky things will go home with the episode winner.

50. Finished! OK, Jenny. What's your luckiest thing?

51. OK, well, Alex thinks he's very lucky sitting next to you,

52. but the luckiest lad in the land... is this little chap.

53. AUDIENCE AWWS Look at him! He's mine!

54. Well, he's obviously not mine from my vagina,

55. cos my vagina's quite old.

56. Erm, no this is my grandson.

57. And he's the luckiest lad, cos I'm his Nana.

58. And who wouldn't want me to be their Nana?

59. Well, the more you shout at me...

60. The winner of the episode doesn't get your grandson.

61. What's the prize that's being offered up? Because...

62. That photo, me and the lad! Yeah.

63. I'll put it in a frame.

64. Frankie, can you beat a baby?

65. well...

66. Horrified at the tone you've set, Greg.

67. I have brought in a bag that was left at a theatre

68. for me by a fan.

69. Oh, my God.

70. It seems to focus heavily on my connection to the animal kingdom.

71. They've managed to incorporate my daughter's dog

72. and my crow friend, Arnold Bartleby.

73. Have you got a crow friend?

74. I do. Oh, OK. Yeah.

75. He enjoys ham. OK. But it is your lucky bag, Frankie,

76. you carry it with you, is that right?

77. Well, I've left it in my suitcase because the run of gigs I was doing

78. when they gave me that bag were really good.

79. So, you're a superstitious man. I'm very superstitious.

80. My God, I would've bet the lives of a thousand crows you weren't.

81. Kiell!

82. This is a scratchcard bought by the luckiest woman in Britain.

83. Jolene Stanley, 35.

84. She was 34. But that was over a year ago.

85. Yeah, what's going on? What have you actually brought in?

86. The scratchcard.

87. Kiell has got Jolene to buy a scratchcard for the show.

88. Yeah. She won £70,000 worth of prizes since her first

89. competition entry in 2012.

90. She is Britain's luckiest woman.

91. She's also the woman in Britain who does the most competitions.

92. It's added something to the episode,

93. that we could have cold, hard cash at the end.

94. I'm very happy with this prize, you've done well.

95. Hello, Mae. What have you brought in?

96. I'm worried you're going to dismiss this with a wry comment.

97. A wry comment? Yeah.

98. I'd better get my wry face ready. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

99. Erm...

100. These are, er, my lucky lenses.

101. Here are Mae's lucky lenses. OK.

102. OK, so...

103. So, those are real four-leaf clovers I bought, they're £15 each.

104. And those are rabbit's feet... Can I check?

105. The rabbit's foot, to be a lucky rabbit's foot,

106. must be a left hind foot. That's correct. It...

107. The rabbit needs to have been captured or killed in a -

108. where was it captured or killed?

109. THEY STAMMER

110. A ceme... A cemetery. A cemetery, yes, good.

111. And what day of the week was it cut off on? Very important.

112. Monday. Er, what?

113. Sunday... No.

114. Friday. Friday, yes!

115. On an actual grave, the meaner the person, the luckier the foot.

116. I mean, I...

117. I hadn't seen the horseshoe.

118. I don't want to be pedantic here.

119. But... isn't the task the luckiest thing?

120. Yes. And could I suggest that Mae's entry was things?

121. No, because they've been... It's a pair of glasses.

122. They've been fused together.

123. They've been fused onto the one thing that isn't lucky.

124. What? That's outrageous.

125. One left. Lvo.

126. Well, last episode, Frankie got a lot of points

127. for putting a load of random guff on a graduation hat.

128. So, I've put a load of random guff on a graduation hat.

129. Erm, so a few key items here.

130. The maneki neko Japanese bobtail cat.

131. The former Manchester United footballer Steve Bruce,

132. who's brought me a lot of luck in my career.

133. How so?

134. Because he wrote some excruciatingly bad detective novels

135. in the late '90s,

136. and I've reviewed them on podcasts for a small fee.

137. Erm, when I played a lot of poker,

138. 7-2 off was our lucky hand.

139. And finally, of course, the silver spoon that I was

140. born with, in my mouth.

141. Is that one thing, Frankie?

142. No. That's several things glued onto a hat that has

143. no reputation for luckiness.

144. Well, after every bad gig, I would call up my parents,

145. and my dad would say, "Well you're lucky you've got your degree."

146. So, I...

147. I would say the hat is the luckiest thing of all.

148. Well, there's a couple at the top,

149. and then, it's a much of a muchness, is the way I see it.

150. So, I'm not going to give 1 point to anyone. Oh.

151. 2 points, I'm going to give to a picture of a baby... Oh!

152. Oh, God, I do really like Frankie's tote bag...

153. but I can't leave a baby down the bottom on its own.

154. No, you can't.

155. I think I'm going to.

156. Literally livid.

157. Tote and hat. Right. 3 points.

158. Oh! Both get 3 points. Yes. Frankie and lvo, got it, OK.

159. Yes. Mae's lucky glasses take the 4 points,

160. because I think Kiell's made a real effort, for the first time ever.

161. Yes! 4 to Mae, 5 to Kiell!

162. Let us have a task proper, Alex Horne.

163. Of course, Greg, here we go.

164. Wotcha. Wotcha.

165. He's got a very strong brow, doesn't he?

166. Oh, God, yeah.

167. How do we get that?

168. I think it's practise.

169. Everything all right?

170. I think so, this looks different.

171. This one's made out of Babybel, or something.

172. I would really like to do well on a task with this kind of paper.

173. OK. "Fake something.

174. "Best fake wins.

175. "You have 20 minutes."

176. Ready... steady... go.

177. Presumably everybody just did the

178. When Harry met Sally thing at this point.

179. You think they all did it? Yeah.

180. Er, are you going to do it? No, I really am not.

181. I don't think anyone needs that in their life.

182. HE GRUNTS

183. Lovely! That's got us all in the mood. Let's crack on.

184. OK, well, the first fakers we're going to see are Kenny and Giles.

185. Sorry, Jenny and Kiell.

186. Ready, steady, go.

187. Oh, gotta start now! Oh!

188. Oh, oh...

189. Oh, my right arm.

190. It's going to get sticky.

191. So sticky. Too sticky.

192. Oh, my heart... oh, oh, my heart.

193. Oh, oh, my...

194. Oh, oh, God, Oh, God,

195. Oh, God, I think I'm dying.

196. Perfect. Perfect.

197. Ohh...!

198. I faked a death. Oh, phew! Right, good.

199. I'm all right, I'm OK. Am I allowed to do another one?

200. You can do whatever, you've still got 18 minutes and 40 seconds.

201. OK, I'll do another one.

202. Seven minutes.

203. Could boil an egg in this time. And then, use the shell as nails.

204. Would you like me to bring you an egg? Yes, please.

205. Ow! Oh, oh, I just banged my nose.

206. I think I'm having a nose bleed, darling.

207. A really, really bad nose bleed.

208. I've brought you an egg. Ah, thanks, mate.

209. What's in there?

210. Egg.

211. Oh - my mum won't like this bit.

212. Your mum won't like it? No.

213. She'll say I'm "messing up the people's house".

214. I think it's stopping now. I think it's stopping.

215. All right, then? I've had a bit of a trauma.

216. Would you like some chocolates?

217. I don't like chocolate. Oh.

218. I like cheese and cash.

219. Right, I'll bring you some cheese and cash.

220. Thank you very much. Right, you seem to have perked up.

221. Yes, I feel fine now.

222. Happy?

223. Happy.

224. 20 minutes.

225. You wouldn't be able to slip into a room unnoticed with that hand.

226. But the nails, lovely attention to detail.

227. Jenny, "I like cash and cheese" - I'm with you on that.

228. And during the death, when she immediately went "ahh,"

229. started to die I thought, "Oh, that's clever."

230. And within 30 seconds, I was finding myself going,

231. "Just die!"

232. Really good.

233. Well, we do have another swindler ready to treat with a trick.

234. This time, it's Ivo.

235. Erm, are you a fan of the ancient Egyptians?

236. 'Course I am. Great.

237. You've not got long, Ivo. OK.

238. IVO GRUNTS

239. Are you ready to be transported to ancient Egypt?

240. As ready as I'll ever be.

241. Welcome... to Ancient Egypt.

242. Hello.

243. What's your name?

244. Whoo.

245. Oh, are you dead?

246. Ah.

247. Right. Erm, not even going to "whoo" any more?

248. Whoo.

249. BLOWS WHISTLE So, your time's up, Ivo.

250. What do you think?

251. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Ohh. Good!

252. I've had a lovely time being involved in this task.

253. You really clawed it back with that stunt at the end.

254. Because when the mummy first came in,

255. I actually, out loud, whispered to myself, "Heartbreaking."

256. The greatest privilege of my life, to sit here and watch your heart

257. be put back together by my twist.

258. I do feel complete.

259. Right, it's time for us to part with part one.

260. What can I say? We were young, we were naive, we were stupid,

261. it was never going to work. Fun, though, wasn't it?

262. Goodbye. I still love you.

263. Hello!

264. Welcome back to Taskmaster,

265. where there are some charlatans at work.

266. Yes, Greg I'm afraid so, because the current task

267. sees them trying to fake something.

268. Best fake wins.

269. Next, and pitching a TV show at the same time,

270. it's Mae Martin.

271. SWANKY THEME PLAYS

272. Good evening, and welcome to Crossing to the Other Side

273. with Mae Martin.

274. Er, my guest today, Alex Horne.

275. Welcome. Hello, Mae.

276. Ah, OK.

277. So, I'm getting an older male figure.

278. It's not a grandparent or a father figure, it's...

279. like a teacher figure. Does that ring any bells?

280. I did have teachers.

281. I want to say, you've travelled away with?

282. Yeah, I went on a school trip with, er, Mr Arnold.

283. So, I'm getting Adrian.

284. Well, there's - oh, genuinely his real name was Adrian Arnold.

285. OK, and is he passed?

286. I hope not, but I haven't been in touch with him for...

287. You might want to send him an email. Oh, really? Yeah.

288. Erm... I'm getting kind of, er,

289. lot of noise, like animal noises and things.

290. Is there a significance of, like, I want to say Tim and Jim,

291. like a Dot and Scott?

292. Yeah. Horace and Boris.

293. Horace and Boris. They're my cats.

294. And they've passed?

295. Oh, long time ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

296. And Horace in particular is, er, frustrated.

297. He's very frustrated with you.

298. Oh. Yeah, he's like telling me something about George Clooney.

299. M-My cat? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

300. Erm... I'm trying to think of George Clooney films.

301. My dad was a GP, so anything with ER? No.

302. No? No, not that. No.

303. Fantastic Mr Fox is what I'm getting.

304. Ah, well, I've seen that, and I used to have a toy fox.

305. This is the frustration I'm getting from Horace.

306. What, that I loved the fox more than the cat? Yeah.

307. Well, I-I hope you've got what you came for.

308. I'm just trying to be a vessel

309. and give you the tools that you need moving forward

310. to live in a more authentic way.

311. Well, thank you for the tools. Thank you. Thanks, Mae.

312. Erm, do you have any money?

313. Ah, yeah, I've got some money.

314. I charge £60.

315. £60.

316. I'll take 40.

317. That was actually... quite good?

318. It was good.

319. Because they were faking it, I discovered afterwards.

320. What, you mean Mae's not a real medium?

321. In the lab, I was freaked out, cos everything they said was true.

322. Yes. And I didn't know how they did it.

323. I... I've been a...

324. I r-rang his wife.

325. And my wife rang my mum.

326. And I've kept in touch with your wife.

327. Like... we text!

328. Yeah. The way you lured him into Horace and Boris...

329. Thank you. Yeah.

330. very clever! It was horrible to be on that side.

331. Very enjoyable.

332. And then, you've got a new friendship out of it.

333. Yeah, and 40 quid.

334. Good, who's last? There's only one more.

335. The final faker is Frankie Foyle - here we go.

336. "In a sense, no-one is to blame for this.

337. "In another realer sense,

338. “the British security services and the creative team behind

339. "the Antiques Roadshow are to blame.

340. "Farewell, Frankie."

341. I empathise, Frankie, because like me,

342. your body is so much more shocking than your suicide could ever be.

343. We surprised a few joggers.

344. Oh, man that was very good. This is tough.

345. Are they all good, do you think?

346. I feel like you're working against me, Alex. I'm not.

347. Can we have a look at it, again, the hand?

348. Yes, I can isolate just the hand.

349. I really want to justify it being higher than it is, Kiell.

350. But, with the best will in the world...

351. But, you know, were Jenny's fakes really good? No!

352. What if I give them both 2 points down the bottom?

353. So, Jenny and Kiell both get 2 points. They do. Right.

354. I'm going to give Ivo 4 points.

355. Ooh, right!

356. I'm going to give Mae 4 points, as well... Right.

357. just because I think the harrowing story of Frankie Boyle's demise

358. deserves, on this occasion, 5 points.

359. 2,2, 4, 4, 5 points to Frankie Boyle! There you go.

360. Scoreboard time.

361. Frankie and Mae are at the top, with 8 points each.

362. There you go.

363. Right! Right. On we go!

364. Yes, next up is this.

365. HORN HONKS REPEATEDLY

366. HORN HONKS

367. Hello, Alex!

368. Hi, Jenny.

369. HORN HONKS GUITAR PLAYS

370. HARMONICA PLAYS

371. SPOONS CLANK HORN HONKS

372. Oh...

373. the things have fallen off my feet quite early doors.

374. I've lost my bells, and I've displaced my...

375. HORN HONKS

376. Hello, Kiell. Hello!

377. I'm going to bring you your task.

378. There you go, Mae. Thank you.

379. "Play the instrument indicated by the light.

380. "Each time you play an instrument correctly,

381. "another will be added to the sequence until you make a mistake.

382. "Longest sequence wins.

383. "There is a bonus point for the person who sounds

384. "the least worst.

385. "The least worst."

386. Sort of the best.

387. "Your time starts when the first light goes on."

388. OK.

389. So, up there, there's drums.

390. Where? Drums there. Drum. Yeah.

391. Why does it - oh, it's very badly drawn.

392. Thank you.

393. Hm, what the fuck is that?

394. Obviously a harmonica.

395. It looks like a sofa. I thought it was a sofa.

396. Yes.

397. I just want to crack on.

398. OK, when it comes to musical ability,

399. you don't often hear these two names - and for good reason.

400. It's Jenny and Ivo first.

401. Are you ready?

402. Yes, I am.

403. Let's go.

404. STRUMS GUITAR CHORD

405. And that was a lovely chord.

406. It was a lovely chord - I think it's my only chord.

407. STRUMS TUNELESSLY

408. You've made it successfully through round one. I'm glad!

409. Round two.

410. Good. It's now time for round three.

411. STRUMS TUNELESSLY

412. STRUMMING CONTINUES

413. STRUMS CHORD

414. BLOWS HARMONICA

415. STRUMS CHORD

416. There's that chord again. Sounding good.

417. Is this like an Alzheimer's test?

418. STRUMS TUNELESSLY

419. BLOWS WEAKLY

420. Great performance.

421. So, you know the first four now. Yes.

422. Ah, right OK. Now, then.

423. STRUMS TUNELESSLY

424. HORN HONKS

425. Correct! Congratulations.

426. Really? Mm-hm.

427. Hm.

428. It's now time for round six.

429. Round six? Yeah. OK.

430. That's correct, Jenny.

431. AUDIENCE OOHS

432. Yeah, I've got a horrible feeling that I got that wrong.

433. Do you know what you did wrong?

434. No.

435. I put all this clobber on,

436. and I've become overwhelmed by the occasion.

437. Off we go again.

438. WHISTLE BLOWS You missed one.

439. I didn't! You sort of did.

440. What?

441. You didn't play the harmonica.

442. Only cos it looks like a sofa.

443. I think you should go now.

444. AUDIENCE AWWS

445. HORN HONKS SADLY

446. There's the sad little walk away from "Old Honkfoot" Eclair there.

447. Tragic.

448. Tragic, but still better than Ivo.

449. Oh, really?

450. Don't say it like that!

451. I'm sorry, I thought we'd been grouped together as equal failures,

452. but it turns out I'd found still a new depth.

453. Ivo was very disappointing, just five, that's all.

454. You only remembered five things in a row.

455. How many did I get? Six!

456. Oh... Yeah - Frankie Boyle and Mae Martin also did this task.

457. And they did it like this.

458. I feel like Dick Vandyke.

459. You look like Dick Vandyke in...

460. In young... yo... in...

461. Sh... are you ready?

462. Yeah.

463. I'm going to give it a go.

464. STRUMS CHORD

465. STRUMS OUT OF TUNE CHORD

466. Congratulations.

467. It's sounding lovely.

468. I'm seeing now how it's going to get stressful.

469. Correct.

470. I have to look at my feet every time.

471. What was the fucking last one?

472. Correct.

473. BUZZER

474. WHISTLE BLOWS

475. Frankie. Yeah?

476. You did very well.

477. I... I-I'm surprised.

478. I'm also surprised.

479. WHISTLE BLOWS Ohh, man.

480. Well, Mae, I thought there was a childlike naivety.

481. Yeah, I had a great time. Hope in your eyes.

482. Frankie, you looked quite at home in that clobber.

483. I enjoyed being in a warehouse, being in a one-man band

484. for no apparent reason.

485. A lot of fun. Very impressive.

486. They both scored 9. Well done.

487. Hm. Yeah, sometimes it's just good to say "well done," isn't it?

488. Right, we're stopping for a break so Alex can do his push-ups.

489. Underneath that cheap suit, the boy is ripped!

490. Yes, hello again!

491. We're back!

492. Let's just get on with the show.

493. As opposed to what?

494. HE SCOFFS Quick update.

495. They're currently trying to copy a sequence of lights.

496. Longest sequence wins - and there's only one player left.

497. He's currently in last place in the series, it's Kiell!

498. Correct.

499. Shit. AUDIENCE OOHS

500. Are you going to play your instruments? Hang on!

501. Correct, and so we go on.

502. HE VOCALISES

503. what?

504. HE BLOWS FURIOUSLY

505. Blow.

506. BLOWING CONTINUES

507. PLAYS HARMONICA

508. Have you finished? No.

509. OK. Have you?

510. AUDIENCE OHHS

511. Thank you, you've finished, goodbye, Kiell.

512. GUITAR STRUMS HORN HONKS

513. Pretty impressive, Kiell.

514. I'm a music boy.

515. How many did he get?

516. 15. I mean...

517. AUDIENCE OOHS

518. Good. The only negative thing I can think to say is that in

519. a previous task, you had a problem blowing a marble into a tube,

520. and then, you had another blow issue.

521. Do you have a blow problem?

522. I'm an asthmatic boy.

523. Asthmatic music boy. Music Boy's Asthmatic Boy.

524. Yes. Oh...

525. But I'm really sorry, there were two Kiell clips,

526. and I think I played the wrong... I'm going to fucking kick off, Alex.

527. I've played the Kiell clips in the wrong order. I'm so sorry.

528. Oh... Can I play the other one?

529. Yeah, yeah.

530. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

531. WHISTLE BLOWS

532. Kiel}, you have finished the one-man band task. Ah!

533. Go on, give us another go.

534. You want to keep going, see if you can go further? Yeah.

535. We gave him quite a few other goes.

536. We were in there for 45 minutes.

537. It seems that Music Boy's a cheeky boy.

538. Ivo and Kiell are both five.

539. OK, OK. Right. Right.

540. But eventually, I got 15. Yeah.

541. Well, in that case, Kiell wins the series, let's all go home.

542. Good. So, Ivo and Kiell came joint fourth.

543. Yeah. So, they both get 2. Jenny comes third.

544. So, gets 3 points. Mae and Frankie joint first,

545. 5 points each!

546. However, there is, of course, one bonus point for the person

547. who plays it the least worst.

548. Just for the cheeky head wiggle alone... Ooh.

549. and the nerve of Music Boy,

550. and I think, you know, give the guy a break,

551. we'll give him the point. Bonus point to Kiell!

552. Well done, Kiell. Thank you.

553. Time for another task, please!

554. OK, and this one's a team one.

555. Here we go.

556. Shall we? Yes, you do, go ahead, go ahead.

557. "Salvage the most spoons.

558. "Salvage the most spoons.

559. "You may not leave the lab,

560. "and all spoons must be salvaged with a magnet.

561. "Your salvager must not remove their head wear.

562. "Most salvaged spoons brought to the lab wins."

563. "Also, from now on,

564. "you must speak in a very high-pitched voice.

565. "You have 16 minutes.

566. "Your time starts," or should I say...

567. "You have 16 minutes.

568. "Your time starts now."

569. Do we open the laptop?

570. Open the laptop.

571. Ah! Hello, Alex. Hello.

572. I have your salvager here. He has a magnet.

573. Good luck.

574. Where am I?

575. Mae and Jenny, I think you instantly became

576. the weird children from The Shining.

577. Absolutely horrified me the moment you started speaking.

578. Right, let's just get on with it.

579. OK, and we begin with the team of three.

580. It's Kiell, Jenny and, with the same initials and voice

581. as Mickey Mouse, it's Mae Martin.

582. Kiel|, Kiell!

583. Hello, yes.

584. Kiell, are you blindfolded?

585. Am I blindfolded? Yes. Big style.

586. OK, look around for spoons.

587. I can't look.

588. Can you... move the camera around,

589. so we can see what you're looking at?

590. We're presuming there are spoons.

591. There's a spoon on top of the blue bin!

592. I don't know where the blue bin is.

593. Stretch your hands out, Kiell.

594. Now inch forward.

595. To the barrel. The oil drum! Oh, I've got the barrel.

596. OK! Yeah! On the top. There is a screw.

597. That's annoying.

598. Did you get it?

599. Ah, God. You're so close!

600. One spoon. Did you get it?

601. I did. We're going to have to work out a better system than this.

602. I think you should get on your hands and knees, and crawl.

603. I wouldn't do that.

604. Turn around, to the left.

605. Walk forward.

606. What can you see?

607. Nothing. Nothing.

608. What about now?

609. No. Oh, yeah! By the bathtub.

610. I don't know where the bathtub is.

611. So, if you inch forwards very slowly till you feel the grass

612. under your feet.

613. The grass under my...

614. And then, veer slightly to your right. To my right.

615. Kiell, there's two spoons in front of you. OK.

616. So, get on all fours!

617. Forward, forward!

618. Grope, grope in the grass.

619. Grope the grass? As close to the bath as you can.

620. I don't know where the bath is. Is it to my right, or my left?

621. What's that? To your right, there's a spoon right in front of you.

622. I've got one. OK. Try by the shed.

623. What direction's that? Yeah, you're doing it.

624. You're doing it now.

625. Oh! Oh! Double spoon!

626. Kiell, Kiell, double spoon!

627. Where?

628. You need to sort of be in the middle of the grass.

629. If you can imagine it.

630. OK, so direct my finger.

631. You want to be facing to your right.

632. To my right, like this?

633. Yeah! Yeah, yeah, Kiell!

634. Yeah? Down! Down!

635. Down...

636. And sweep. Sweep.

637. Yeah! You have five minutes.

638. I think we should come back to the house.

639. We're running out of time. Yeah.

640. Kiell, you'll have to come and find us in the lab.

641. You guys have got to chat about this blindfolding work.

642. Kiell you have to come back to the house.

643. If you told me where the house was, yeah.

644. Turn to the right, take five big steps.

645. One, two...

646. Stop. .. three...

647. Turn to your right. Turn to my right.

648. Take three big steps. Well, take one big step. One...

649. Wait you've got to go around that.

650. Around which way? Go to your right. To the left, or to the right?

651. To the right, to the right! Left? To the left!

652. Feel your way.

653. Along the house, to the front door.

654. Hands out! Stretch!

655. You seem to be at the door.

656. I've stopped listening to both of you.

657. Here! Just blunder along the corridor.

658. Straight ahead. Yes, you're almost here!

659. Well done! Yes, Kiell! Yeah!

660. Yay! Yay!

661. Good job, Kiell! WHISTLE BLOWS

662. The narrative to me was Kiell playing an older brother

663. who's been through this nonsense a thousand times.

664. He was weary from the moment they started squeaking to each other.

665. I found that voice so annoying. So annoying.

666. Yeah, and often, Mae was leading the way with an attempt at instruction,

667. and Jenny was just going...

668. "Yes, that's right!"

669. Kiell was doing a lot of the work, as well, he stumbled upon

670. quite a few of the spoons. They got a total of nine. Yeah.

671. And he got back to the lab with a minute to spare.

672. He'd had enough. Oh, yeah.

673. Right, that's the end of part three.

674. Soon, someone will win a spoon and a scratchcard.

675. And that's how we're going to end a prime time TV show -

676. whether Channel 4 like it or not.

677. Hello!

678. Welcome back to the final part of the show,

679. and a team task involving the salvaging of spoons.

680. Don't mind if I do.

681. It's the team of two's turn now,

682. with Frankie directing and Ivo hunting.

683. Ivo can you see some spoons, my friend?

684. I can't see anything, Frankie, I'm wearing some elaborate head wear.

685. Are you blind, Ivo?

686. They've blinded me, Frankie.

687. Only you can lead me to the spoons.

688. Turn to your left.

689. And we see the caravan there.

690. Walk forward, Ivo.

691. I'm hoping they've put some spoons in this bath.

692. You're about to walk into the bath at knee height

693. and hurt your shins.

694. Stop, stop! Stop, Ivo!

695. I'm at the bath.

696. There's a spoon right in front of you.

697. On the ledge of the bath.

698. On the left ledge, or the right ledge?

699. Both ledges.

700. Oh! Frankie I've got a spoon.

701. Put it in your spoon pouch, Ivo.

702. Oh, it's a strong magnet, Frankie.

703. You know, you don't need to speak in this voice.

704. Oh, no, no.

705. I've picked up the previous spoons by mistake.

706. Put your spoons in your pouch, Ivo.

707. Now can you have a good look around, lvo, so that I can check

708. there's no more spoons? Look down...

709. down, and then, do a 360.

710. No, let's wander off somewhere else.

711. You're dangling it too fast, Ivo!

712. There you are.

713. That was quite cross. Get down!

714. Oh! Oh, there's one!

715. Ah, there's another.

716. You've had six minutes out of the 16.

717. Let's case the joint one more time. Where is it?

718. About a foot in front of you.

719. Now right over it now. Yes.

720. Can we go again? Now, Ivo, I'm going to guide you

721. into a situation of some danger. Stop there.

722. In front of you, there's a little raised platform

723. that's about a foot high.

724. You don't want to walk into it,

725. fall over, and smash your face.

726. Forward, forward...

727. Good, right in front of you. Ooh! There you are.

728. A treasure trove of three spoons.

729. This is more spoons than I could've possibly imagined.

730. Any spoons on Greg? No.

731. You've got three-and-a-half minutes.

732. Ooh, Frankie lead me to the kitchen,

733. where there'll be the most spoons.

734. Keep going forward, then. Go forward.

735. Have a look in the dome, the dome might have spoons in it.

736. Yeees!

737. And you've dragged it into another spoon.

738. It's a two-er.

739. Well done! Excellent work, Ivo. Get out of there.

740. How much time have we got?

741. We've gotta get to that kitchen.

742. Ivo, you've had 15-and-a-half minutes. Of how many?

743. All the information's on the task.

744. How many minutes have we got in the whole task?

745. We've had 15-and-a-half minutes.

746. Really? I think we're nearly done.

747. Oh, come into the lab, then.

748. B... But Frankie, what about the kitchen spoons?

749. Straight forward. Keep going, desperately, quickly!

750. Run! It doesn't matter if you hurt yourself, lvo!

751. No, not in there, Ivo!

752. What did I tell you not to do?

753. You greedy bastard!

754. WHISTLE BLOWS You've got 30 seconds!

755. No, you don't.

756. What on earth?

757. Oh... that's the spoon hub.

758. Frankie, we've had an absolute shocker.

759. Where to start with this Shakespearian tragedy?

760. It's worth pointing out that Ivo didn't have to do

761. the high-pitched voice.

762. You'll notice it disappeared immediately as I started

763. to panic about the time pressure.

764. Did you start to panic about the time pressure, Ivo,

765. or did you go into the kitchen?

766. When I'd expressly told you not to?

767. I mean, it's a game of quotes for me from Frankie, as well.

768. My favourite... “I'm going to guide

769. "you into a situation of some danger."

770. They did gather 22 spoons. They were a great team.

771. Oh! And do you know what's going to happen here, Ivo?

772. We're both going to lose this episode,

773. and somebody's going to go up there and win 70 grand

774. on a fucking scratchcard.

775. You may well be right. Frankie was in the lead.

776. He's not won a show, Ivo, you've won two.

777. So, points-wise, Greg, only one team completed the task, they got...

778. So they're the only ones that can get any points. Oh, I see.

779. 5. Er, Jenny, Kiel|, and Mae all get 5 points each!

780. Quick look at the scores. Yes, well, I can tell you that

781. Kiell is now in second place,

782. but Mae is in the lead with 18 points! Lovely.

783. All right, everybody, it's time to stand up and get ready for

784. the final task of the show!

785. Having a little stretch? Gentle stretching.

786. Why not. Who's going to read the task out, you lovely bearded boy?

787. Frankie Boyle, another loved bearded boy.

788. "Stuff all these things in your team mate's outfit.

789. "If you're wearing a special outfit, you must stay on your spot

790. "with your hands on your head at all time.

791. "Fastest wins."

792. Straightforward stuff.

793. What I would say is you don't have to put in the trolley -

794. everything but the trolley.

795. OK, on your marks, get set...

796. BLOWS WHISTLE .. stuff!

797. I've got a pocket. I don't know what I'm doing, mate.

798. Is Ivo allowed to wiggle like that? I think so.

799. It seems provocative.

800. It's all gotta go in, it's all gotta go in.

801. That's a sharp frying pan.

802. Ahh!

803. BALLOON POPS

804. Push the pan in, Ivo.

805. Oh, no!

806. Oh, it's close, Frankie's away first.

807. Toilet roll on the floor.

808. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

809. Where's the plunger? Don't know.

810. No, not up.

811. Well, it's actually... it really exhausted me.

812. It made me clench my bottom up.

813. Yes, and Greg, that's not the end.

814. What? Ah.

815. Frankie, would you mind reading out the second...?

816. This is a first for Taskmaster.

817. This is the second part for just one of the teams.

818. "Say how many things you stuffed in your team mate's outfit.

819. "If you're correct, your points are doubled.

820. "If you're wrong, the other team gets your points.”

821. Yes, so the winning team, which is the team of three,

822. have one minute to tell me how many things they stuffed

823. inside Kiell's outfit.

824. If they are exactly right, they will get 10 points each.

825. If they're wrong, the team of two will get 5 points each.

826. That's crazy. Can we take things out of his...?

827. You've got one minute to do whatever you want.

828. Get the trolley out. Your minute starts...

829. WHISTLE BLOWS You hand to me, you hand to me.

830. Can I take my hands off my head now? I'm counting, three... No.

831. . Four, six, seven.

832. Wait, wait. Got it.

833. How many's that? Ten. 11. 12.

834. Oh, God!

835. 20. 25. Five seconds. 27, 28...

836. Did you count these? Er, yeah, yeah, yeah. 29.

837. Sorry.

838. WHISTLE BLOWS That's your time up.

839. This is the most excited I've been for ten years.

840. I'm going to need an answer, team of three.

841. I can't say it out loud.

842. Go with your instinct. OK.

843. We're going to go with 29.

844. Please show them the birthday card.

845. It's just there on your left.

846. You love to see it.

847. It's 29!

848. Well done! Well done, well done.

849. We'll add all that up and see how it's affected

850. the final scores. Come join me!

851. One of the most exciting final tasks, we've had in my opinion.

852. Oh, yes - by miles, probably.

853. It's not been a good last 15 minutes for the team of two, scoring-wise.

854. No. 15 points to these in the last two tasks,

855. and O to these.

856. Which means Ivo is now rock-bottom in the series, on 63.

857. Frankie on 69. Ah.

858. Kiell on 76. Mae 87. Jenny 88.

859. That's our halfway point of the series.

860. That is terrible news to receive with a toilet brush up your shirt.

861. And this episode, Mae Martin wins it with 28 points!

862. Mae Martin wins!

863. Please leap to the stage to luxuriate in your luckiest things!

864. So, what have we learnt today?

865. In these uncertain times of climate change and political unrest,

866. a show like this should provide much-needed light relief.

867. What none of us needed to hear tonight was...

868. “No, Ivo, there's no time to go into the kitchen!"

869. We're halfway, see you next time.

870. But for now, let's hear it for the person at the top of

871. their game today, Mae Martin!