1. Brace, brace. I'm bracing.Copy !req
2. Hmm.Copy !req
3. This program me contains strong
language and adult humourCopy !req
4. No, no, no.Copy !req
5. No!Copy !req
6. Argh!Copy !req
7. What?Copy !req
8. Hello, thank you.Copy !req
9. I'm Greg Davies and I'm the captain
of televisual flight number TM154.Copy !req
10. There are only five passengers on
this journey.Copy !req
11. Their chairs don't reclineCopy !req
12. for comfort, there are no lights
directing them towardsCopy !req
13. an escape route,
for there is no escape.Copy !req
14. They're flying
by the seat of their pantsCopy !req
15. and the turbulence isCopy !req
16. nasty.Copy !req
17. But it will end wellCopy !req
18. for one of them as, when they return
home safely, they will win thisCopy !req
19. tasteless memento.Copy !req
20. Thank you for flying TM Airlines
and THAT, thank God,Copy !req
21. is the end of a broadly
unsuccessful analogy.Copy !req
22. So please welcome our five rivals
once more.Copy !req
23. They are Frankie Boyle.Copy !req
24. Ivo Graham.Copy !req
25. Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
26. Kiell Smith-Bynoe.Copy !req
27. And Mae Martin.Copy !req
28. And to my left,
the answer to the questionCopy !req
29. "what does a corpse look like after
the hair continuesCopy !req
30. "to grow postmortem?”Copy !req
31. It's... Little Alex Horne!Copy !req
32. Good evening.Copy !req
33. Double thumbs. Double thumbs. I'm
just on such a high at the moment.Copy !req
34. How's that? Well, I spent the summer
in Italy and I loved it. OK.Copy !req
35. Well, there was one afternoon
with the family, we went toCopy !req
36. a field.Copy !req
37. Whoa, it was amazingCopy !req
38. and you won't believe it -
we saw a horse...Copy !req
39. fly.Copy !req
40. No, we saw a horsefly.Copy !req
41. We saw a horsefly.Copy !req
42. We went to a cafe in Verona
and one of the waitresses watchesCopy !req
43. Taskmaster on YouTube.Copy !req
44. Hello, Sylvia.Copy !req
45. Let's get on with the prize task,
Alex. Right you are.Copy !req
46. And just as you wearily demanded,
they've each brought inCopy !req
47. the most fun thing to wear
on your headCopy !req
48. that you aren't supposed to wear
on your head.Copy !req
49. Greg will give five big ones
to the most fun thingCopy !req
50. to wear on your head that
you shouldn't wear on your head andCopy !req
51. the overall winner will take
all five things homeCopy !req
52. and wish they had five heads,Copy !req
53. like the love child of CerberusCopy !req
54. and Zaphod Beeblebrox.Copy !req
55. Hello, Mae. Hi. Mae, what thing have
you brought inCopy !req
56. to pop on your head that you
shouldn't be popping on your head?Copy !req
57. You're just gonna have to believe me
this is a lot of funCopy !req
58. and I don't really want to introduce
it any further than that.Copy !req
59. Here's what Mae's brought in.
Oh, God.Copy !req
60. It's me on my own head. So...Copy !req
61. Which one's you?Copy !req
62. No, uh-huh, no, exactly.Copy !req
63. So basically, whoever wins this,
you getCopy !req
64. a blow-up doll - lots of fun...Copy !req
65. Well, famously.Copy !req
66. I can't think of any reason
why it's good or bad.Copy !req
67. Right. Well, it's a starter.
That's a start, that's a start.Copy !req
68. Yeah. Frankie. Hello, Greg.
What have you brought inCopy !req
69. that you shouldn't wear on your head
but you ARE wearing on your head?Copy !req
70. Well, I have brought inCopy !req
71. a meticulously recreated sceneCopy !req
72. from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...Copy !req
73. .. which I have built out ofCopy !req
74. the popular figurines,Copy !req
75. Sylvanian Families.Copy !req
76. This is what Frankie spent his time
doing. Let's have a look.Copy !req
77. I was hoping there'd be
a sinister twist,Copy !req
78. and I presume
that's the Child Catcher?Copy !req
79. It is the Child Catcher, but of all
the movies whereCopy !req
80. children are abducted,
this is the most light-hearted.Copy !req
81. Did you actually build it yourself?Copy !req
82. No, I got an art therapist to do it.Copy !req
83. Perfect. Ivo, can you beat
the Child Catcher?Copy !req
84. In a word, no. Um, but I do think
this fits the briefCopy !req
85. because it's been used as
a joke in two ofCopy !req
86. the most popular comedy shows
of all time. It's a...Copy !req
87. Turkey. It's a turkey.Copy !req
88. We've all had a good old laughCopy !req
89. at Mr Bean or Courteney Cox's Monica
in FriendsCopy !req
90. wearing a turkey on their head.Copy !req
91. Did Monica from Friends wear a turkey
that was quite that moist?Copy !req
92. In an interview aboutCopy !req
93. the experience, she described it
as disgusting.Copy !req
94. I don't want to be too pedantic hereCopy !req
95. but in a task where
it is the most fun thingCopy !req
96. to wear on your head,Copy !req
97. and you've describedCopy !req
98. how a woman was deeply traumatised.Copy !req
99. That's undeniably incisive stuff,
Frankie.Copy !req
100. And you can rest assured, Frankie,Copy !req
101. it's gonna score VERY badly.Copy !req
102. It's gonna score badly?
Oh, God, yeah.Copy !req
103. Worse than the Sylvanian Family?Copy !req
104. Yes, much worse.Copy !req
105. Kiell is the only person
who can do worse. Hello.Copy !req
106. Obviously, a goldfish bowl.Copy !req
107. Here it is. I should say
it goes on your head,Copy !req
108. your head does not go IN it
cos the hole is not big enough.Copy !req
109. It depends on your head.Copy !req
110. Mae, maybe? Old Pinhead Martin.Copy !req
111. You don't need to say MAY maybe,
you just say maybe.Copy !req
112. We'll pop it on Pinhead.Copy !req
113. I guess it would be quite fun if
we can get Pinhead's head in it.Copy !req
114. Imagine having that on your head!
Hway-yow!Copy !req
115. Hang on...Copy !req
116. May... may I?Copy !req
117. Whey-hey-yow! And now try thatCopy !req
118. with a turkey on your head.Copy !req
119. HE GOBBLESCopy !req
120. Jenny, can you do worse
than a turkey?Copy !req
121. Oh, probably. Er, no, well,Copy !req
122. there's two things you shouldn't put
on your head.Copy !req
123. Well, one, these are two cliche
things.Copy !req
124. Um, tea cosy - obvious. You know,
everybody does it, puts it...Copy !req
125. YAWNSCopy !req
126. Oh, God! Uh, and the other thing is
traffic cone.Copy !req
127. YAWNS, GREG YAWNSCopy !req
128. Ah, but combine the two - I hadCopy !req
129. a knitted traffic cone
tea cosy made. Fun!Copy !req
130. It is fun. It's quite good.Copy !req
131. That is good.Copy !req
132. You CAN put your nose through
that bit.Copy !req
133. But it does fit on your head.Copy !req
134. You look like quite a fun terrorist
when you put that on.Copy !req
135. Ready. Oh, have you decided already?
Yep. Wow.Copy !req
136. Uh, one point. To who?Copy !req
137. Turkey boy. Well done, Ivo Graham.Copy !req
138. I cannot believe that.Copy !req
139. I think if I went around London
with Mae Martin on my headCopy !req
140. I don't think they'd think I was fun.
I'm giving you two points.Copy !req
141. Two points to Mae Martin. Oh, what?Copy !req
142. I do think your goldfish bowl's
quite fun.Copy !req
143. Come on. You're gonna die in it.Copy !req
144. I'm not gonna be putting my head
into it.Copy !req
145. So, three points to Kiell.
Yeah, three points to Kiel, yeah.Copy !req
146. Crazy. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
recreated on my head.Copy !req
147. Or the tea cosy in the shape of a
traffic cone.Copy !req
148. The shape of a traffic cone.Copy !req
149. Four points to...?Copy !req
150. Four points to Jenny,
five points to Frankie Boyle.Copy !req
151. Well
done, Frankie Boyle. Congratulations.Copy !req
152. Let's get things moving with
a task, please, young man.Copy !req
153. OK, and this one is hard to beat.Copy !req
154. Oh, here we go. Hello. Hi, Alex.Copy !req
155. Oh! OH!
JENNY CHUCKLESCopy !req
156. How good are you at it?
Really good.Copy !req
157. DRUMMINGCopy !req
158. They work.Copy !req
159. Strike the most drum skins
and cymbals...Copy !req
160. With a single throw of a bouncy...Copy !req
161. ball. Yes. You have a maximum
of 20 minutes.Copy !req
162. Your time starts...
HE BEATBOXESCopy !req
163. now.Copy !req
164. Bouncy ball drum solo.
A lot of balls.Copy !req
165. I can't throw balls,
I can't play drums.Copy !req
166. Right. This might take some thought.Copy !req
167. I'm gonna use my wits
and my skills.Copy !req
168. Uh-huh.Copy !req
169. Which one was it that you used
just then?Copy !req
170. Just then? The wit or the skills?
wit.Copy !req
171. Yeah. That was quite funny.
Shall we see the task?Copy !req
172. Let's do it.Copy !req
173. They're next to each other
in the alphabet on our seatsCopy !req
174. and now in a VT. What are the
chances? It's Jenny and Kiell.Copy !req
175. This is like a sort of combination
of a nightmare,Copy !req
176. but I think that being higher up
would be good. Right.Copy !req
177. DONK!Copy !req
178. Oh, oh, oh, look that one!Copy !req
179. Hmm. This is very, very hard
indeed. Hmm.Copy !req
180. DONK! TAP!Copy !req
181. You want a sort of circular action.Copy !req
182. DONK! DONG!Copy !req
183. That is a good angle.Copy !req
184. Big balls, give me big balls. Right.Copy !req
185. Back off, Alex, you could get hurt.
Right.Copy !req
186. Ha-ha-ha, did you hear?
Do it again.Copy !req
187. Do it again? Yes. All right!Copy !req
188. This needs to go.Copy !req
189. HE PLAYS DRUMSCopy !req
190. DONK!Copy !req
191. It did it but it was too light to...
Why are you smirking?Copy !req
192. Well, you keep doing the same thing
over and over again.Copy !req
193. Push!Copy !req
194. De-de da da-da da-da.Copy !req
195. Seven. Yeah.Copy !req
196. DONK!Copy !req
197. Do you think there's any way
of improving your system?Copy !req
198. There's a way, then, there's
a way. There's a logical way.Copy !req
199. There would be a way.Copy !req
200. There would be a fucking way
and I haven't got it.Copy !req
201. VARIOUS DRUMBEATSCopy !req
202. That's good.Copy !req
203. It's very frustrating doing
the same thing overCopy !req
204. and over again, just not getting
any better.Copy !req
205. OK, these are your last ones.Copy !req
206. VARIOUS DRUMBEATSCopy !req
207. I wasn't listening!
Was someone else listening?Copy !req
208. We were filming it.
But were you LISTENING?Copy !req
209. WHISTLE BLOWS, LAUGHTERCopy !req
210. There's no other way!
There's nothing else I could do!Copy !req
211. People will be screaming
at the television, "You silly cow."Copy !req
212. Not SUCH a silly cow!Copy !req
213. MANY DRUMBEATSCopy !req
214. WHISTLE BLOWS, APPLAUSECopy !req
215. What do you think? Are you pleased with
your performance, watching it back, Kiell?Copy !req
216. There's some damn good beats.Copy !req
217. Jenny, you spent
the vast majority of that task doingCopy !req
218. the same thing, throwing one ball
at one drum. Yes.Copy !req
219. It is the definition of madness,
isn't it? It is, and I like the ideaCopy !req
220. that you think everyone's gonna be
at home collectivelyCopy !req
221. shouting "silly cow" at you. Yes.Copy !req
222. It's like the soundtrack to my life.Copy !req
223. There is always someone behind me
going, "Silly cow, silly old cow.Copy !req
224. "Don't know what she's doing,
silly old cow."Copy !req
225. Weirdly, Jenny did better
than Kiell.Copy !req
226. What? What? NOT such a silly cow!Copy !req
227. What do you mean? Well, you counted
to seven but you did only hit five.Copy !req
228. That cannot be true.Copy !req
229. You included some of the strikes
that weren't the drum skins.Copy !req
230. They were just the drums.
I'm so sorry. GROANINGCopy !req
231. I mean, honestly, Kiell,
you are havingCopy !req
232. a fucking nightmare on this show.Copy !req
233. It's the end of part one
and it's time for AlexCopy !req
234. and I to do some intense yoga
while you watch the adverts.Copy !req
235. First pose, my favourite,
the dolphin.Copy !req
236. Both of us? Yep. OK.Copy !req
237. Oh...Copy !req
238. See you after the break.Copy !req
239. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's part twoCopy !req
240. and I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.Copy !req
241. Uh-oh, he's finally lost it.Copy !req
242. HE GOBBLES LIKE A TURKEYCopy !req
243. Before the break, our cast were
trying to strikeCopy !req
244. the most drum skins and cymbals with
a single throw of a bouncy ball.Copy !req
245. Jenny and Kiell have beenCopy !req
246. but I wonder if
the next two can do better?Copy !req
247. And it's a big "IF", as in it's
I-vo and F-rankie. Here we go.Copy !req
248. I think it'd be quite nice
if Greg was playing the drums.Copy !req
249. Are we going to him
or is he coming to us?Copy !req
250. We're going to him.Copy !req
251. It makes suchCopy !req
252. a satisfying sound even just
being kicked along the ground.Copy !req
253. That's the worst bit so far.Copy !req
254. FRANKIE CHUCKLES GLEEFULLYCopy !req
255. It's a bouncier statue
than I'd anticipated.Copy !req
256. Very calm, Frankie.Copy !req
257. I feel very calm,
it's quite a soothing task.Copy !req
258. All I've done is I've moved
the drums. That's all I've done.Copy !req
259. Oh, pretty good.Copy !req
260. Two.Copy !req
261. - OCopy !req
262. One, one.Copy !req
263. FRANKIE GIGGLESCopy !req
264. Greg's just there mocking me.Copy !req
265. Still on three.Copy !req
266. Still on three.
My first attempt, I think.Copy !req
267. The first thing I did wasCopy !req
268. the best thing I did.Copy !req
269. Sort of murky four.Copy !req
270. Yeah, I'm happy with that.
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
271. That can't be the last thing I do.Copy !req
272. I don't think a single one of those
got more than one.Copy !req
273. WHISTLE BLOWS, APPLAUSECopy !req
274. Nice to see Kiell's smile come back.Copy !req
275. It was the first task we didCopy !req
276. and after it was finished,
I retired to a little roomCopy !req
277. and I sent some very angry texts
to some close family.Copy !req
278. And then I thought about doing
what Frankie did for about a week.Copy !req
279. Frankie.Copy !req
280. I enjoyed it, it was very much like
art therapy.Copy !req
281. That little giggle after you didCopy !req
282. the first run really made
my heart sing, Frankie.Copy !req
283. It would be a sad man
who didn't take joy in throwingCopy !req
284. a bouncy ball at a cymbal.Copy !req
285. This is the Channel 4 special,Copy !req
286. Frankie Boyle's Moments Of Glee.Copy !req
287. GLEEFUL GIGGLINGCopy !req
288. But, Frankie, in the end
you got eight in a row.Copy !req
289. Ivo, three or a murky fourCopy !req
290. but, either way,
in last place at the moment.Copy !req
291. Shall we see murky number five?Copy !req
292. Murky number five and I apologise,
you won't enjoy this introduction.Copy !req
293. Time for a drum march,Copy !req
294. sorry, a drum April,Copy !req
295. no, I mean a drum Mae.Copy !req
296. Wey!Copy !req
297. Here we go.Copy !req
298. A single throw, eh?Copy !req
299. Wait a second,
do you have the string?Copy !req
300. Yeah, I've got string.Copy !req
301. Ah. Yeah.Copy !req
302. Why did you bring a hat?Copy !req
303. To look good for this drum solo.Copy !req
304. Isn't that what... is his name Slash?Copy !req
305. Greg.Copy !req
306. Single throw.Copy !req
307. This is the solo bit. Right, lovely.Copy !req
308. MAE WHISTLESCopy !req
309. You finished? Yep.Copy !req
310. Thanks, Mae. Thank you.Copy !req
311. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.Copy !req
312. I thought it was meant to be
just percussion,Copy !req
313. not STRINGS and percussion.Copy !req
314. Oooh!Copy !req
315. Hoo-hoo-hoo! It's kicking off.Copy !req
316. I felt for you there, Mae,Copy !req
317. because uh, you expected,
I think rightly, everybodyCopy !req
318. to cheer you from the rafters,Copy !req
319. but the whole audience sat there
like this.Copy !req
320. Yeah, but this is like... Because
they don't like clever people.Copy !req
321. Am I coming across smug?
What's going on?Copy !req
322. I think people were confused -
is it a single throw?Copy !req
323. It left my hand only one time
and the momentum continuedCopy !req
324. and it was travelling.Copy !req
325. Can I just say purely
for the sake of argument,Copy !req
326. if you went to a fairgroundCopy !req
327. and they said,
"You've got a single throwCopy !req
328. "to knock over this coconut," and
you went, "Thanks very much, mate,"Copy !req
329. tied a string to the ball,Copy !req
330. threw it once, and then started
swingingCopy !req
331. the string around
until you'd knockedCopy !req
332. the coconut over,Copy !req
333. you might get a beating.Copy !req
334. They're famously not that lenient,Copy !req
335. the old coconut-shy guys.Copy !req
336. I'm a little more forgiving probably.Copy !req
337. What was the score?Copy !req
338. Zero!Copy !req
339. It's GOT to be zero!Copy !req
340. It was one throw.Copy !req
341. What I'll need is the definition
of a throw, I guess, but I...Copy !req
342. I thought you would KNOW
what that word means.Copy !req
343. But, I can... I can look it up.Copy !req
344. Right, throw definition. Here we go.Copy !req
345. To propel something with force
through the air byCopy !req
346. a movement of the arm and hand.Copy !req
347. Was there a throw at all? There was
definitely... There would have to beCopy !req
348. an initial throw,
otherwise I would disqualify.Copy !req
349. Would you like to see the initial
throw? Yes. Course we would.Copy !req
350. We'll litigate this for hours.Copy !req
351. Let's just check. Single throw.Copy !req
352. See? There's then a jerk.Copy !req
353. No-one said anything about a jerk!
If you're going from the momentumCopy !req
354. of the throw...
A drop is not a throw.Copy !req
355. Are you saying it's a drop?
You can't call a drop a throw.Copy !req
356. There was definite wrist.Copy !req
357. There's definite wrist, Greg,
but I don't throwCopy !req
358. my penis across the room
every morning, do 1?Copy !req
359. Do you use string?Copy !req
360. If you throw something on a stringCopy !req
361. and then jerk it backwards,
it's a cast.Copy !req
362. Whoa!Copy !req
363. Do you want me to look up cast?Copy !req
364. Definition of cast.Copy !req
365. Yeah.Copy !req
366. This is my favourite thing ever.Copy !req
367. I've been wrong too many times.Copy !req
368. It is exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
369. And do you knowCopy !req
370. the thing that's swinging it
in your favour the most?Copy !req
371. Is it swinging it or throwing it?Copy !req
372. Very nice. Yeah, well,Copy !req
373. to cast means to move or send forth
by throwing.Copy !req
374. So, we're back to where we started.Copy !req
375. Oh! That's clearly where I've gone
wrong with fishingCopy !req
376. because I've been doing this
when I should be throwingCopy !req
377. the fucking rod.Copy !req
378. That's it. I'm letting them get away
with it!Copy !req
379. Which means, shall I sum up
the scores for you, Greg?Copy !req
380. Let me just drink Kiell's face in.Copy !req
381. GREG SLURPS
Mmmm!Copy !req
382. Well, in that case,
it's one point to Ivo, two to Kiell,Copy !req
383. three to Jenny, four to Frankie
and five to Mae Martin.Copy !req
384. There it is.Copy !req
385. Let's have a look at the scoreboard.Copy !req
386. OK, well, the winner ofCopy !req
387. the past two episodes, Ivo,
is in last place with two,Copy !req
388. but Frankie's in the lead
with nine.Copy !req
389. Despite arguably a terrible
injustice,Copy !req
390. can we have another task, please?Copy !req
391. Yes, and it's time to testCopy !req
392. the five on their nautical
construction skills.Copy !req
393. Hello.Copy !req
394. Ah, goldfish bowl. Yep.Copy !req
395. It's all wet.Copy !req
396. Make the fastest egg boat.Copy !req
397. Your egg boat must look like
a boat and transport an egg.Copy !req
398. If your egg boat sinks or loses
its egg, you're disqualified.Copy !req
399. That's a bit strong.Copy !req
400. You have three minutes
to order five materials.Copy !req
401. Oh. And then 15 minutes
to make your egg boat.Copy !req
402. Also, all your materials must start
with the same letter.Copy !req
403. And you can't order anythingCopy !req
404. boaty.Copy !req
405. OK, your time starts now.Copy !req
406. Certainly people make paper things,
don't they? Paper.Copy !req
407. Polystyrene.Copy !req
408. Plasticine.Copy !req
409. But now I have to think about
other Ps. Yes.Copy !req
410. A ball, like a tiny ball, like
a golf ball. Ball, ball for golf.Copy !req
411. Balls - brackets - ping-pong.Copy !req
412. Plastic, by which I mean
like clingfilm.Copy !req
413. Plastic inflatable water wings.Copy !req
414. Armbands.
They begin with P, do they?Copy !req
415. Plastic inflatable water wings. OK.Copy !req
416. Gaffer tape, gaffer... baffer,
baffer tape.Copy !req
417. Could you get some baffer tape?
I don't know what baffer tape is.Copy !req
418. It's like gaffer tape
but it's better.Copy !req
419. I don't think I can get you
baffer tape.Copy !req
420. Balloons.Copy !req
421. A balloon.Copy !req
422. Bras, umpteen bras.Copy !req
423. I'lLl get you umpteen bras.Copy !req
424. Banana. Bread. P... Plant.Copy !req
425. Uh... bacon?Copy !req
426. WHISTLE BLOWS, APPLAUSECopy !req
427. Baffer tape and umpteen bras?Copy !req
428. Great band.Copy !req
429. Baffer tape's the lead singer, is he?Copy !req
430. Do you want to see them build?Copy !req
431. I'd like to see their boat builds,
please.Copy !req
432. Let's show them the boat builds. Here's
how they got on making their egg boats.Copy !req
433. Hello. You've got 15 minutes.Copy !req
434. 15 minutes from now?Copy !req
435. What am I making again?Copy !req
436. I was hoping
for a larger loaf of breadCopy !req
437. so that I could put the bucket
in the plastic bag.Copy !req
438. If it fits a golf ball, it will fit
an egg.Copy !req
439. So, that's number one, that's done.Copy !req
440. Oh, I don't get the egg?Copy !req
441. Oh, I've got an egg on me
if you want.Copy !req
442. Yes, I think it'd be quite good
to have the egg.Copy !req
443. Thank you very much.Copy !req
444. Great. I'd like it to be really
structurally sound,Copy !req
445. you know fortified,
yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
446. Well, I'm gonna try
and remember origami boats,Copy !req
447. which I last did maybe age seven.Copy !req
448. Quite a lot of drugs and alcohol
have taken place since then.Copy !req
449. You know these, the foamy tit cups?Copy !req
450. They'll act as a buoyancy aid.Copy !req
451. Awww!Copy !req
452. I'm gonna need another balloon.Copy !req
453. I'll take two if they're going.Copy !req
454. It doesn't look like a boat yet. No.Copy !req
455. Great. In you go.Copy !req
456. Ah, it's looking like a boat now.Copy !req
457. Why's it doing that?Copy !req
458. Egg's gonna be in there
with a little hat on.Copy !req
459. Mm-hm. You put the basket
in the water like this.Copy !req
460. How heavy's the water?Copy !req
461. Pardon? How heavy will the water be?Copy !req
462. You're asking me
how heavy the water will be?Copy !req
463. Yes. What is the weight of
the water?Copy !req
464. What do you want me to tell you?Copy !req
465. I want to know
how heavy the water is.Copy !req
466. Right, well,
we're gonna use standard water.Copy !req
467. Still? Still, yes, still. Mmm.Copy !req
468. Yeah, I'm quite happy with that.Copy !req
469. I haven't really needed PlasticineCopy !req
470. or a plant.Copy !req
471. There's only one thing for this,
then -Copy !req
472. decorate the fuck out of it.Copy !req
473. HMS Boat.Copy !req
474. I think I've slightly neglected
the egg, actually.Copy !req
475. It's a bad omen.Copy !req
476. You going to eat your banana?Copy !req
477. Right, first things first.Copy !req
478. I mean, Jenny's boat is
an act of madness, isn't it?Copy !req
479. I don't think
it was ANY of our finest hours.Copy !req
480. Although I did write down the quote,Copy !req
481. "These foaming tit cups
will act as a buoyancy aid."Copy !req
482. I find the idea ofCopy !req
483. a seven-year-old Frankie Boyle doing
origami to be adorable.Copy !req
484. There's been a lot of arts and
crafts in this episode,Copy !req
485. hasn't there? Yeah, there has.Copy !req
486. In that little video, you said,Copy !req
487. but quickly you moved onto drugs and
alcohol.Copy !req
488. So in this sort of biographical line,Copy !req
489. origami was very much a gateway.Copy !req
490. I just wish I'd kept it up during
the drug years.Copy !req
491. Who knows what I might have created?Copy !req
492. When Kiell asked for two balloons,
he did the cheekiest face.Copy !req
493. It was THIS cheeky face.Copy !req
494. I'll take two if they're going.Copy !req
495. Mae's boat looked likeCopy !req
496. the most buoyant object ever created,Copy !req
497. but it is "one shit boat",
is what I wrote down.Copy !req
498. Ivo, I haven't mentioned your lovely
boat. Were you pleased with it?Copy !req
499. I don't mind it, Greg.Copy !req
500. It's been a terrible show,
and that's far from my low point.Copy !req
501. If you want to see the egg boat race
of the century,Copy !req
502. you're gonna have
to sit on your hands forCopy !req
503. a few minutes and be patient,
thank you. Bye.Copy !req
504. Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where our egg boatsCopy !req
505. are under starter's orders.
Race, Alex?Copy !req
506. Caucasian, Greg. But, let's...Copy !req
507. .. not dwell on that.Copy !req
508. It's not a bad joke,
fair play to the boy.Copy !req
509. It is now time
for the great egg boat race.Copy !req
510. On your marks.Copy !req
511. EGG set.Copy !req
512. Boat!Copy !req
513. "80s-STYLE POP ROCK MUSICCopy !req
514. Aww!Copy !req
515. MELANCHOLIC PIANO PLAYSCopy !req
516. I don't think anyone was excited
by the race at all. Do you?Copy !req
517. Not even them.Copy !req
518. I was excited. Were you?
Yeah, loved it.Copy !req
519. Where did you come, fourth? Yeah.Copy !req
520. First in fun.Copy !req
521. First in fun. First in fun.Copy !req
522. Yeah, the timings were Mae 3:25,Copy !req
523. Ivo 2:04, Jenny 1:46,Copy !req
524. Kiell 1:45.
So close but, Frankie, 1:33.Copy !req
525. Let's watch the beginning again.Copy !req
526. That's the most exciting bit
when they jump out.Copy !req
527. I love the beginning. This is the
beginning of the race. Here we go.Copy !req
528. On your marks.Copy !req
529. EGG set. Boat!Copy !req
530. Egg off? Egg off. Egg off.Copy !req
531. Egg overboard!Copy !req
532. I had essentially just wrappedCopy !req
533. an egg in some paper.Copy !req
534. I can have few complaints.Copy !req
535. Don't you put seven-year-oldCopy !req
536. Frankie Boyle's origami skills down
like that.Copy !req
537. So, because Frankie is disqualified,Copy !req
538. the egg was released,
he gets zero points.Copy !req
539. Well, I don't know,
I'm thinking it still counts,Copy !req
540. and I'm gonna give him the five.Copy !req
541. Huh? I just said thatCopy !req
542. to have a look at Kiell's face.Copy !req
543. It is zero to Frankie.
Zero to Frankie, I'm afraid.Copy !req
544. It's two to Mae,
it's three to Ivo,Copy !req
545. it's four to Jenny,Copy !req
546. it's five points
to Kiell Smith-Bynoe.Copy !req
547. I'm hungry for another task,
please, Alex.Copy !req
548. Well, let me satiate that monstrous
appetite of yoursCopy !req
549. with a multitude of tasks
all wrapped in one.Copy !req
550. Welcome to the hall. Oh, hi.Copy !req
551. Bingo. Bingo. Bingo, it is.Copy !req
552. There's nine tasks on the board
behind youCopy !req
553. and one on the plinth.Copy !req
554. Yes. If you could open the one
on the plinth, please.Copy !req
555. I'll open the one on the plinth.Copy !req
556. Always check on the back.Copy !req
557. First to complete
a line or four corners wins.Copy !req
558. The time starts
when someone shouts "bingo".Copy !req
559. So I'll be pulling numbers
out of this. OK.Copy !req
560. A ball will come out,
you've got to then openCopy !req
561. the task that corresponds
with that number.Copy !req
562. Once you've read it out, I'll shout
"bingo" and we're off. OK.Copy !req
563. Let's play bingo. Love to.Copy !req
564. Oh, no! My gate was open.Copy !req
565. I wanna play bingo,
I don't want to mess around.Copy !req
566. You're not alone.Copy !req
567. 5.5 million people play it at least
twice a week in this country.Copy !req
568. Is that right? 8% of the country.
All of Finland.Copy !req
569. Really? Go on, then.Copy !req
570. All right, first to play bingo,
it's Kiell and Mae.Copy !req
571. Let's play bingo.Copy !req
572. Is there a number?Copy !req
573. Heinz varieties, 57.Copy !req
574. Two little ducks, 22.Copy !req
575. OK.Copy !req
576. Throw each of your shoes
onto a different roof.Copy !req
577. Sit in the shed for three minutesCopy !req
578. and think about
what you have done. Bingo!Copy !req
579. Roof of the caravan.Copy !req
580. Roof of the panel... house.Copy !req
581. I did it!Copy !req
582. All right,
let's carry on playing bingo.Copy !req
583. Oh, we've got knock on the door, 4.Copy !req
584. Tickle me, 63.Copy !req
585. All right.Copy !req
586. Make the bingo bin go out
of the main gates.Copy !req
587. Get fully into the sleeping bag
then get out of the sleeping bagCopy !req
588. and put the sleeping bag
fully into the sleeping bag bag.Copy !req
589. I haven't got any shoes on!Copy !req
590. Z1-1-1P!
OK? You're fully in. Get fully out.Copy !req
591. Oh, man!Copy !req
592. KIELL GRUNTS
I got no shoes on!Copy !req
593. I got no shoes on.Copy !req
594. Right, two down,Copy !req
595. Mae, you might get 60 here,
and that'll be a line.Copy !req
596. It's not 60,Copy !req
597. we've got Christmas cake, 38.Copy !req
598. Put exactly four pints of water
in the pot.Copy !req
599. I've got no shoes on!Copy !req
600. Wait, the water's coming out
the bottom.Copy !req
601. I might as well
just put it on the floor!Copy !req
602. Yeah! Get out of it!Copy !req
603. Five pints, three pints.Copy !req
604. 2,000 divided by five is 600,
600 x 4...Copy !req
605. Come on, give me 38.Copy !req
606. No, we've got rise and shine 29.Copy !req
607. Scream "I have been in all four
rooms of the house,"Copy !req
608. in all four rooms of the house.Copy !req
609. I have been in all four rooms
of the house!Copy !req
610. 38, please.Copy !req
611. It's not 38.Copy !req
612. 53. Get a banana down from the tree.
Bingo!Copy !req
613. That sounds like an outside job.
I don't have any shoes on!Copy !req
614. That's 2,400.Copy !req
615. Thank you. Dirty Gerty, 30.Copy !req
616. Pop all but one bubble
on the bubble wrap.Copy !req
617. Speak to John. Bingo!Copy !req
618. Who's John?Copy !req
619. This could be your line.Copy !req
620. It's not great.Copy !req
621. John? Argh!Copy !req
622. I don't have any shoes on!Copy !req
623. John?Copy !req
624. Alex, who's John?Copy !req
625. Oh, I don't know anyone called John.Copy !req
626. Ah, now, then. Are we close?
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
627. Stop the clock? Yep.Copy !req
628. RINGING TONECopy !req
629. Thanks for calling John Lewis.Copy !req
630. Is this, uh, is this John Hm-mh?Copy !req
631. John Lewis. Yeah?Copy !req
632. Customer services, yeah.Copy !req
633. Great, all right, thank you.Copy !req
634. I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
635. Line. Thank you, Mae.
Congratulations, Kiell, bye-bye.Copy !req
636. Not bad. Did Kiell have any shoes on
during that task?Copy !req
637. It's very hard to tell.Copy !req
638. Mae, meticulous as ever.Copy !req
639. Yes, took their time
on the bubble wrap.Copy !req
640. Lot of time, yeah, yeah.
20 minutes on the bubble wrap alone.Copy !req
641. When will we get to meet
this character more,Copy !req
642. the "get out of it" guy?Copy !req
643. Get out of it!Copy !req
644. Get aht of it! I liked him.Copy !req
645. I saw him as a farmer, mid 60s?Copy !req
646. Yeah. What sort of other stuff
does he put out, this farmer?Copy !req
647. Rapscallions.Copy !req
648. Is he married?Copy !req
649. He was.Copy !req
650. And what did he say
when he got divorced?Copy !req
651. I can't wait to get aht of it!Copy !req
652. So, yes, Mae 26:13.Copy !req
653. Kiell, considerably quicker, 20:30.
Current leader.Copy !req
654. Now, for the two you're most likely
to find in a bingo hall.Copy !req
655. Oh, I'm not standing for this.Copy !req
656. I'm not standing for this shit.Copy !req
657. It's Frankie and Jenny.
Here we go, Frankie and Jenny.Copy !req
658. Together as well.Copy !req
659. Let's go, Jenny. Let's play bingo.Copy !req
660. Well, we've got one.Copy !req
661. We've got one.
Sitting in the tree, 53.Copy !req
662. 53. Get the banana
down from the tree.Copy !req
663. Right I need a stick.
Sticky stick stick.Copy !req
664. No. Banana. Wow.Copy !req
665. It's not fair to penalise
the short arse.Copy !req
666. Come to me.Copy !req
667. Yes.Copy !req
668. Throw each of your shoes...
Onto a different roof.Copy !req
669. Bingo! No problem.Copy !req
670. Bugger.Copy !req
671. Poor show.Copy !req
672. Make the bingo bin go out of
the main gates.Copy !req
673. Two shoes, two roofs.Copy !req
674. Rise and shine, 29.Copy !req
675. We're going all over the place
now. It's like a cruelty.Copy !req
676. Achieved, Alex,Copy !req
677. but at what cost?Copy !req
678. I have been in all four rooms of
the house!Copy !req
679. Lovely screaming, Jenny.Copy !req
680. Thank you. It's one of my skills.Copy !req
681. Speak to John.Copy !req
682. Who's John? Bingo!Copy !req
683. John, John, can you help me?Copy !req
684. I do know a John.Copy !req
685. How you doing, John, you all right?Copy !req
686. I'm not bad, mate. What's happening?Copy !req
687. John? John?Copy !req
688. Right, Frankie, there's five
numbers left.Copy !req
689. Three of them would give you a line.Copy !req
690. What have we got?Copy !req
691. Grandma's getting frisky, 60.Copy !req
692. Where's John? My feet hurt.
Oh, John.Copy !req
693. Pop all but one bubble.Copy !req
694. Where's the bubble wrap?Copy !req
695. Has fucking John got it?Copy !req
696. This is terrible because
this is not even someone I know.Copy !req
697. This could be a line here, Jenny.Copy !req
698. I'm gonna try and remove
a bit of bubble wrap.Copy !req
699. RINGING TONE
Hello?Copy !req
700. Oh, hi, sorry, John,
I'm really sorry,Copy !req
701. I've just picked up Jeff's phoneCopy !req
702. and I've dialled you by accident,
I do apologise.Copy !req
703. Bye-bye.Copy !req
704. I got a John.Copy !req
705. Line. Bingo.Copy !req
706. Just need some of these, man.Copy !req
707. The tasks? Yeah.Copy !req
708. It's gone surprisingly well.Copy !req
709. That is bingo, mate.Copy !req
710. I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
711. I think we got a hint
of the destruction that wasCopy !req
712. to come with you, when you were asked
to throw your shoes ontoCopy !req
713. the roof and you went, "No problem."Copy !req
714. Yes. In the middle of that task,Copy !req
715. I decided to go back to therapy.Copy !req
716. Was it when you were throwing a binCopy !req
717. over the top of an open able gate?Copy !req
718. Jenny, uh, seemingly lost inCopy !req
719. the garden shouting, "John, John,Copy !req
720. "my feet hurt, John.Copy !req
721. Normally a scene that would be
followed by, "Come back inside."Copy !req
722. Oh, don't.Copy !req
723. I just had a glimpse into my future,
and it's awful.Copy !req
724. So neither of them brought back
a banana,Copy !req
725. but they did both bring back
the word banana. Banana sign, yes.Copy !req
726. Are you happy with them bringing
back a "banana"?Copy !req
727. No, it doesn't count as a banana.Copy !req
728. Yes, thank you.Copy !req
729. Even though it was a "banana".Copy !req
730. Was there a banana up that tree?
There was a banana in the tree.Copy !req
731. Then, they should have brought back
a banana.Copy !req
732. Are you saying the word banana
isn't banana?Copy !req
733. I'm saying the word banana
written on a sign is not a banana.Copy !req
734. It quite clearly is a banana.Copy !req
735. It's the word banana.Copy !req
736. I would say also
it said to THROW your shoes ontoCopy !req
737. the roof, and Jenny placed a shoe
on top of the, uh...Copy !req
738. I think she propelled it
with her arm and hand.Copy !req
739. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSECopy !req
740. Please, let's not get into throwing.Copy !req
741. Yeah, I mean, I hate myself.Copy !req
742. You do have a problem
with this bananaCopy !req
743. so what do we do?
Because they were quick.Copy !req
744. Jenny was 8:12, Frankie 14:38.Copy !req
745. So first and second at the moment,
but what about this banana?Copy !req
746. I might have to think about it
over the break. Ooh!Copy !req
747. You've never done that before. No.Copy !req
748. You normally go for a wee.Copy !req
749. Remember, though,
just cos something's gotCopy !req
750. the word toilet written on itCopy !req
751. doesn't mean it's a toilet.Copy !req
752. I won't be pissing against the door.Copy !req
753. I wasn't gonna eat the sign!Copy !req
754. We're off again for a break.Copy !req
755. We just don't have the stamina
we once did, it's sobering stuff.Copy !req
756. When you come back,
someone will win a raw turkeyCopy !req
757. and consequently salmonella.Copy !req
758. Hello, you sweet, sweet people,
you join us forCopy !req
759. the final part of tonight's showCopy !req
760. and the conclusion to our bingo gala.Copy !req
761. Yes, I can't wait to see
what happens, even thoughCopy !req
762. I know exactly what happens,
which is just weird, isn't it?Copy !req
763. One person left to see,
and it's all his own doing.Copy !req
764. It's Ivo Graham.Copy !req
765. Knock on the door, four.Copy !req
766. Get fully into the sleeping bag
then get out of the sleeping bagCopy !req
767. and put the sleeping bag
fully into the sleeping bag bag.Copy !req
768. Bingo!Copy !req
769. There it is.Copy !req
770. What?Copy !req
771. That's in.Copy !req
772. All right. Play again.Copy !req
773. 30. Speak to John.Copy !req
774. RINGING TONECopy !req
775. Hello, Angie, is John there
by any chance?Copy !req
776. No worries, I'lLl speak to him later.Copy !req
777. Thanks very much, Angie. Bye.Copy !req
778. Let's go, let's go again.Copy !req
779. Sit in the shed for three minutes.
Um, let's go again, bingo again.Copy !req
780. 60. Oh, no.Copy !req
781. This is arduous.
Let's go, let's go again.Copy !req
782. 53.38. 22.Copy !req
783. Actually, I might leave that.
Tickle me, 63.Copy !req
784. Make the bingo bin go
out of the main gate.Copy !req
785. Get a banana down from the tree.Copy !req
786. It's shoe time.Copy !req
787. Shall we see the last ball? Yeah.Copy !req
788. I wonder what it's gonna be?Copy !req
789. I'm having a bad time. 29.Copy !req
790. I have been in all four rooms
of the house!Copy !req
791. So, 63 will complete a line.Copy !req
792. Every number will complete a line.Copy !req
793. I'll sit in the shed.Copy !req
794. It's gone terribly.Copy !req
795. I think that was three minutesCopy !req
796. but I didn't have
a way of measuring it.Copy !req
797. So you sat in the shed for three
minutes? Yep. You're sure?Copy !req
798. Oh, my God.Copy !req
799. I sat in the caravan.Copy !req
800. I'm calling my dad's friend
and my former doctor.Copy !req
801. Oh, hello, Jonathan,Copy !req
802. I'm so sorry I've rung you
by accident, I do apologise.Copy !req
803. Well, it's lovely
to hear you too. I'd...Copy !req
804. Oh, terrific.Copy !req
805. Oh, right.Copy !req
806. You must shout "line"
when you've finished.Copy !req
807. Um, have a lovely weekend.
Give my best to the boys. Bye.Copy !req
808. Line!Copy !req
809. Sometimes, rather thanCopy !req
810. a lot of chit-chat, you can just
sum things up with an image.Copy !req
811. Yes, let's do that.Copy !req
812. Right, let's give some points out,
shall we? OK.Copy !req
813. We're gonna drop the banana sign
people by one point. OK.Copy !req
814. I can tell you what the scores are.Copy !req
815. Mae 26:13, just the one point.Copy !req
816. Ivo was 25:27,Copy !req
817. so still faster than Mae, somehow.
Two points.Copy !req
818. Kiell, three points
with his 20 minutesCopy !req
819. then Frankie and Jenny were meant
to get four and fiveCopy !req
820. but Jenny gets four, Frankie gets
three, the same as Kiell.Copy !req
821. That's it, Jenny wins the task
but only four points.Copy !req
822. Oh, my God! Argh!Copy !req
823. OK, well, I've done the
calculations.Copy !req
824. Ready for the scoreboards?
Oh, God, am I?Copy !req
825. Rock-bottom, Ivo Graham with seven.Copy !req
826. Rock top,
Jenny Eclair with 15 points.Copy !req
827. It's that time again,
please head to the stage forCopy !req
828. the final task of the show.Copy !req
829. Hello, Corporal Good Boy.
Good evening, Captain.Copy !req
830. Who's gonna read out the task?Copy !req
831. This time Jenny Eclair's gonna
read it out.Copy !req
832. Excuse me.Copy !req
833. Pour your sand into
the other bottle.Copy !req
834. Slowest to pour their sand into
the other bottle wins.Copy !req
835. You must pour your sandCopy !req
836. from at least a foot above your
other bottle.Copy !req
837. If there is a break in your sand
stream, you are disqualified.Copy !req
838. Would you like to discard the task,
Jenny?Copy !req
839. Oh!Copy !req
840. So, at all times your bottle must be
above that blackboard.Copy !req
841. Are we trying to pour it
the slowest?Copy !req
842. Yes, so slowest wins.Copy !req
843. If there's any break in your sand
stream, you are out.Copy !req
844. You must start your pouring within
two secondsCopy !req
845. of me blowing the whistle cos
it'll take a while to come out.Copy !req
846. This is electric television.Copy !req
847. It's gonna get... it's gonna get even
more electric.Copy !req
848. Oh, God, he's got no shoes on!Copy !req
849. Oh, he's got no shoes on.Copy !req
850. I don't wanna get this shit
in my trainers.Copy !req
851. Why would you get shit
in your trainers?Copy !req
852. Because I'm gonna miss the bottle.Copy !req
853. OK, is everyone ready?
Last person still pouring wins.Copy !req
854. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
855. Ohh!Copy !req
856. Has anyone broken a stream yet?
Nope.Copy !req
857. Ivo, it's got to be a foot, Ivo,
it must be a foot.Copy !req
858. It's like having
a really worryingly long piss.Copy !req
859. Being our age,
this sort of stream's quite commonCopy !req
860. for Frankie and I.Copy !req
861. Do you know what?
I thought this was gonna beCopy !req
862. shit telly but I'm actually
quite enjoying this.Copy !req
863. It's like an art therapy themed
episode.Copy !req
864. Mae has completed the task.Copy !req
865. Frankie's completed it.Copy !req
866. Kiell has also completed it.Copy !req
867. Don't go any lower than that, Jenny.Copy !req
868. Oh, I see. Oh, you...Copy !req
869. WHISTLE BLOWS
We're done.Copy !req
870. We'll work all that out
and then work out the points.Copy !req
871. Come back down and join me for a
while. APPLAUSE AND CHEERINGCopy !req
872. As someone who was just
observing it,Copy !req
873. I'd say there's
some hearts gonna be broken.Copy !req
874. Obviously, as we made clear,Copy !req
875. if the sand stream was broken,
instant disqualification.Copy !req
876. You're out.
We've analysed the footageCopy !req
877. and there was
an early disqualification.Copy !req
878. So, I'm gonna show you the momentCopy !req
879. the first disqualification happened
three seconds afterCopy !req
880. I blew my whistle.Copy !req
881. Kiell there. Fuck off.Copy !req
882. Well, Kiell, there was no sand
between either bottle.Copy !req
883. I don't see any blue sand either,
if I'm being totally honest.Copy !req
884. Mae, exactly that, so I'm sorry
to say we have lost Kiell and Mae.Copy !req
885. Seven frames later,
there's no red sand.Copy !req
886. Frankie. Frankie, there was a break
in the sand stream.Copy !req
887. To be honest, the whole episode
has been suchCopy !req
888. a thrilling journey
through language and meaning.Copy !req
889. Two seconds after Frankie broke
his stream... Yep.Copy !req
890. Ivo Graham broke his stream.Copy !req
891. I emotionally processed that about
half an hour ago. It's all right.Copy !req
892. Just Jenny left, but six seconds
after, this happened.Copy !req
893. They're all disqualified,Copy !req
894. Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.Copy !req
895. That's the end of the task. WWhoo!Copy !req
896. What a rush to finish on. And...?Copy !req
897. And we need to apologise
to the viewers. Sorry.Copy !req
898. It does mean we have
a brand-new winner of Taskmaster.Copy !req
899. Ivo came last, but with 15 points,Copy !req
900. Jenny Eclair wins an episode! Oh!Copy !req
901. Jenny Eclair is tonight's winner.Copy !req
902. Please head up to have some fun
with your things on your head!Copy !req
903. So, what have we learnt today?Copy !req
904. We've learnt that in the unlikely
event that Morrissey sees senseCopy !req
905. and reforms the seminal '80s band
The Smiths, they need look no furtherCopy !req
906. for their album cover than this.Copy !req
907. But, at the end of the fourth
episode, there is just one winner,Copy !req
908. and that winner is Jenny Eclair.
See you next time!Copy !req