1. Brace, brace. I'm bracing.Copy !req
2. Hmm.Copy !req
3. This program me contains strong
language and adult humourCopy !req
4. No, no, no.Copy !req
5. No!Copy !req
6. Argh!Copy !req
7. What?Copy !req
8. Hello, thank you.Copy !req
9. I'm Greg Davies and I'm the captain
of televisual flight number TM154.Copy !req
10. There are only five passengers on
this journey.Copy !req
11. Their chairs don't reclineCopy !req
12. for comfort, there are no lights
directing them towardsCopy !req
13. an escape route,
for there is no escape.Copy !req
14. They're flying
by the seat of their pantsCopy !req
15. and the turbulence isCopy !req
16. nasty.Copy !req
17. But it will end wellCopy !req
18. for one of them as, when they return
home safely, they will win thisCopy !req
19. tasteless memento.Copy !req
20. Thank you for flying TM Airlines
and THAT, thank God,Copy !req
21. is the end of a broadly
unsuccessful analogy.Copy !req
22. So please welcome our five rivals
once more.Copy !req
23. They are Frankie Boyle.Copy !req
24. Ivo Graham.Copy !req
25. Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
26. Kiell Smith-Bynoe.Copy !req
27. And Mae Martin.Copy !req
28. And to my left,
the answer to the questionCopy !req
29. "what does a corpse look like after
the hair continuesCopy !req
30. "to grow postmortem?”Copy !req
31. It's... Little Alex Horne!Copy !req
32. Good evening.Copy !req
33. Double thumbs. Double thumbs. I'm
just on such a high at the moment.Copy !req
34. How's that? Well, I spent the summer
in Italy and I loved it. OK.Copy !req
35. Well, there was one afternoon
with the family, we went toCopy !req
36. a field.Copy !req
37. Whoa, it was amazingCopy !req
38. and you won't believe it -
we saw a horse...Copy !req
39. fly.Copy !req
40. No, we saw a horsefly.Copy !req
41. We saw a horsefly.Copy !req
42. We went to a cafe in Verona
and one of the waitresses watchesCopy !req
43. Taskmaster on YouTube.Copy !req
44. Hello, Sylvia.Copy !req
45. Let's get on with the prize task,
Alex. Right you are.Copy !req
46. And just as you wearily demanded,
they've each brought inCopy !req
47. the most fun thing to wear
on your headCopy !req
48. that you aren't supposed to wear
on your head.Copy !req
49. Greg will give five big ones
to the most fun thingCopy !req
50. to wear on your head that
you shouldn't wear on your head andCopy !req
51. the overall winner will take
all five things homeCopy !req
52. and wish they had five heads,Copy !req
53. like the love child of CerberusCopy !req
54. and Zaphod Beeblebrox.Copy !req
55. Hello, Mae. Hi. Mae, what thing have
you brought inCopy !req
56. to pop on your head that you
shouldn't be popping on your head?Copy !req
57. You're just gonna have to believe me
this is a lot of funCopy !req
58. and I don't really want to introduce
it any further than that.Copy !req
59. Here's what Mae's brought in.
Oh, God.Copy !req
60. It's me on my own head. So...Copy !req
61. Which one's you?Copy !req
62. No, uh-huh, no, exactly.Copy !req
63. So basically, whoever wins this,
you getCopy !req
64. a blow-up doll - lots of fun...Copy !req
65. Well, famously.Copy !req
66. I can't think of any reason
why it's good or bad.Copy !req
67. Right. Well, it's a starter.
That's a start, that's a start.Copy !req
68. Yeah. Frankie. Hello, Greg.
What have you brought inCopy !req
69. that you shouldn't wear on your head
but you ARE wearing on your head?Copy !req
70. Well, I have brought inCopy !req
71. a meticulously recreated sceneCopy !req
72. from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...Copy !req
73. .. which I have built out ofCopy !req
74. the popular figurines,Copy !req
75. Sylvanian Families.Copy !req
76. This is what Frankie spent his time
doing. Let's have a look.Copy !req
77. I was hoping there'd be
a sinister twist,Copy !req
78. and I presume
that's the Child Catcher?Copy !req
79. It is the Child Catcher, but of all
the movies whereCopy !req
80. children are abducted,
this is the most light-hearted.Copy !req
81. Did you actually build it yourself?Copy !req
82. No, I got an art therapist to do it.Copy !req
83. Perfect. Ivo, can you beat
the Child Catcher?Copy !req
84. In a word, no. Um, but I do think
this fits the briefCopy !req
85. because it's been used as
a joke in two ofCopy !req
86. the most popular comedy shows
of all time. It's a...Copy !req
87. Turkey. It's a turkey.Copy !req
88. We've all had a good old laughCopy !req
89. at Mr Bean or Courteney Cox's Monica
in FriendsCopy !req
90. wearing a turkey on their head.Copy !req
91. Did Monica from Friends wear a turkey
that was quite that moist?Copy !req
92. In an interview aboutCopy !req
93. the experience, she described it
as disgusting.Copy !req
94. I don't want to be too pedantic hereCopy !req
95. but in a task where
it is the most fun thingCopy !req
96. to wear on your head,Copy !req
97. and you've describedCopy !req
98. how a woman was deeply traumatised.Copy !req
99. That's undeniably incisive stuff,
Frankie.Copy !req
100. And you can rest assured, Frankie,Copy !req
101. it's gonna score VERY badly.Copy !req
102. It's gonna score badly?
Oh, God, yeah.Copy !req
103. Worse than the Sylvanian Family?Copy !req
104. Yes, much worse.Copy !req
105. Kiell is the only person
who can do worse. Hello.Copy !req
106. Obviously, a goldfish bowl.Copy !req
107. Here it is. I should say
it goes on your head,Copy !req
108. your head does not go IN it
cos the hole is not big enough.Copy !req
109. It depends on your head.Copy !req
110. Mae, maybe? Old Pinhead Martin.Copy !req
111. You don't need to say MAY maybe,
you just say maybe.Copy !req
112. We'll pop it on Pinhead.Copy !req
113. I guess it would be quite fun if
we can get Pinhead's head in it.Copy !req
114. Imagine having that on your head!
Hway-yow!Copy !req
115. Hang on...Copy !req
116. May... may I?Copy !req
117. Whey-hey-yow! And now try thatCopy !req
118. with a turkey on your head.Copy !req
119. Jenny, can you do worse
than a turkey?Copy !req
120. Oh, probably. Er, no, well,Copy !req
121. there's two things you shouldn't put
on your head.Copy !req
122. Well, one, these are two cliche
things.Copy !req
123. Um, tea cosy - obvious. You know,
everybody does it, puts it...Copy !req
124. Oh, God! Uh, and the other thing is
traffic cone.Copy !req
125. YAWNS, GREG YAWNSCopy !req
126. Ah, but combine the two - I hadCopy !req
127. a knitted traffic cone
tea cosy made. Fun!Copy !req
128. It is fun. It's quite good.Copy !req
129. That is good.Copy !req
130. You CAN put your nose through
that bit.Copy !req
131. But it does fit on your head.Copy !req
132. You look like quite a fun terrorist
when you put that on.Copy !req
133. Ready. Oh, have you decided already?
Yep. Wow.Copy !req
134. Uh, one point. To who?Copy !req
135. Turkey boy. Well done, Ivo Graham.Copy !req
136. I cannot believe that.Copy !req
137. I think if I went around London
with Mae Martin on my headCopy !req
138. I don't think they'd think I was fun.
I'm giving you two points.Copy !req
139. Two points to Mae Martin. Oh, what?Copy !req
140. I do think your goldfish bowl's
quite fun.Copy !req
141. Come on. You're gonna die in it.Copy !req
142. I'm not gonna be putting my head
into it.Copy !req
143. So, three points to Kiell.
Yeah, three points to Kiel, yeah.Copy !req
144. Crazy. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
recreated on my head.Copy !req
145. Or the tea cosy in the shape of a
traffic cone.Copy !req
146. The shape of a traffic cone.Copy !req
147. Four points to...?Copy !req
148. Four points to Jenny,
five points to Frankie Boyle.Copy !req
149. Well
done, Frankie Boyle. Congratulations.Copy !req
150. Let's get things moving with
a task, please, young man.Copy !req
151. OK, and this one is hard to beat.Copy !req
152. Oh, here we go. Hello. Hi, Alex.Copy !req
153. Oh! OH!Copy !req
154. How good are you at it?
Really good.Copy !req
155. They work.Copy !req
156. Strike the most drum skins
and cymbals...Copy !req
157. With a single throw of a bouncy...Copy !req
158. ball. Yes. You have a maximum
of 20 minutes.Copy !req
159. Your time starts...Copy !req
160. now.Copy !req
161. Bouncy ball drum solo.
A lot of balls.Copy !req
162. I can't throw balls,
I can't play drums.Copy !req
163. Right. This might take some thought.Copy !req
164. I'm gonna use my wits
and my skills.Copy !req
165. Uh-huh.Copy !req
166. Which one was it that you used
just then?Copy !req
167. Just then? The wit or the skills?
wit.Copy !req
168. Yeah. That was quite funny.
Shall we see the task?Copy !req
169. Let's do it.Copy !req
170. They're next to each other
in the alphabet on our seatsCopy !req
171. and now in a VT. What are the
chances? It's Jenny and Kiell.Copy !req
172. This is like a sort of combination
of a nightmare,Copy !req
173. but I think that being higher up
would be good. Right.Copy !req
174. DONK!Copy !req
175. Oh, oh, oh, look that one!Copy !req
176. Hmm. This is very, very hard
indeed. Hmm.Copy !req
177. DONK! TAP!Copy !req
178. You want a sort of circular action.Copy !req
179. DONK! DONG!Copy !req
180. That is a good angle.Copy !req
181. Big balls, give me big balls. Right.Copy !req
182. Back off, Alex, you could get hurt.
Right.Copy !req
183. Ha-ha-ha, did you hear?
Do it again.Copy !req
184. Do it again? Yes. All right!Copy !req
185. This needs to go.Copy !req
186. DONK!Copy !req
187. It did it but it was too light to...
Why are you smirking?Copy !req
188. Well, you keep doing the same thing
over and over again.Copy !req
189. Push!Copy !req
190. De-de da da-da da-da.Copy !req
191. Seven. Yeah.Copy !req
192. DONK!Copy !req
193. Do you think there's any way
of improving your system?Copy !req
194. There's a way, then, there's
a way. There's a logical way.Copy !req
195. There would be a way.Copy !req
196. There would be a fucking way
and I haven't got it.Copy !req
197. That's good.Copy !req
198. It's very frustrating doing
the same thing overCopy !req
199. and over again, just not getting
any better.Copy !req
200. OK, these are your last ones.Copy !req
201. I wasn't listening!
Was someone else listening?Copy !req
202. We were filming it.
But were you LISTENING?Copy !req
203. WHISTLE BLOWS, LAUGHTERCopy !req
204. There's no other way!
There's nothing else I could do!Copy !req
205. People will be screaming
at the television, "You silly cow."Copy !req
206. Not SUCH a silly cow!Copy !req
207. WHISTLE BLOWS, APPLAUSECopy !req
208. What do you think? Are you pleased with
your performance, watching it back, Kiell?Copy !req
209. There's some damn good beats.Copy !req
210. Jenny, you spent
the vast majority of that task doingCopy !req
211. the same thing, throwing one ball
at one drum. Yes.Copy !req
212. It is the definition of madness,
isn't it? It is, and I like the ideaCopy !req
213. that you think everyone's gonna be
at home collectivelyCopy !req
214. shouting "silly cow" at you. Yes.Copy !req
215. It's like the soundtrack to my life.Copy !req
216. There is always someone behind me
going, "Silly cow, silly old cow.Copy !req
217. "Don't know what she's doing,
silly old cow."Copy !req
218. Weirdly, Jenny did better
than Kiell.Copy !req
219. What? What? NOT such a silly cow!Copy !req
220. What do you mean? Well, you counted
to seven but you did only hit five.Copy !req
221. That cannot be true.Copy !req
222. You included some of the strikes
that weren't the drum skins.Copy !req
223. They were just the drums.
I'm so sorry. GROANINGCopy !req
224. I mean, honestly, Kiell,
you are havingCopy !req
225. a fucking nightmare on this show.Copy !req
226. It's the end of part one
and it's time for AlexCopy !req
227. and I to do some intense yoga
while you watch the adverts.Copy !req
228. First pose, my favourite,
the dolphin.Copy !req
229. Both of us? Yep. OK.Copy !req
230. Oh...Copy !req
231. See you after the break.Copy !req
232. Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's part twoCopy !req
233. and I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.Copy !req
234. Uh-oh, he's finally lost it.Copy !req
235. Before the break, our cast were
trying to strikeCopy !req
236. the most drum skins and cymbals with
a single throw of a bouncy ball.Copy !req
237. Jenny and Kiell have beenCopy !req
238. but I wonder if
the next two can do better?Copy !req
239. And it's a big "IF", as in it's
I-vo and F-rankie. Here we go.Copy !req
240. I think it'd be quite nice
if Greg was playing the drums.Copy !req
241. Are we going to him
or is he coming to us?Copy !req
242. We're going to him.Copy !req
243. It makes suchCopy !req
244. a satisfying sound even just
being kicked along the ground.Copy !req
245. That's the worst bit so far.Copy !req
246. It's a bouncier statue
than I'd anticipated.Copy !req
247. Very calm, Frankie.Copy !req
248. I feel very calm,
it's quite a soothing task.Copy !req
249. All I've done is I've moved
the drums. That's all I've done.Copy !req
250. Oh, pretty good.Copy !req
251. Two.Copy !req
252. - OCopy !req
253. One, one.Copy !req
254. Greg's just there mocking me.Copy !req
255. Still on three.Copy !req
256. Still on three.
My first attempt, I think.Copy !req
257. The first thing I did wasCopy !req
258. the best thing I did.Copy !req
259. Sort of murky four.Copy !req
260. Yeah, I'm happy with that.Copy !req
261. That can't be the last thing I do.Copy !req
262. I don't think a single one of those
got more than one.Copy !req
263. WHISTLE BLOWS, APPLAUSECopy !req
264. Nice to see Kiell's smile come back.Copy !req
265. It was the first task we didCopy !req
266. and after it was finished,
I retired to a little roomCopy !req
267. and I sent some very angry texts
to some close family.Copy !req
268. And then I thought about doing
what Frankie did for about a week.Copy !req
269. Frankie.Copy !req
270. I enjoyed it, it was very much like
art therapy.Copy !req
271. That little giggle after you didCopy !req
272. the first run really made
my heart sing, Frankie.Copy !req
273. It would be a sad man
who didn't take joy in throwingCopy !req
274. a bouncy ball at a cymbal.Copy !req
275. This is the Channel 4 special,Copy !req
276. Frankie Boyle's Moments Of Glee.Copy !req
277. But, Frankie, in the end
you got eight in a row.Copy !req
278. Ivo, three or a murky fourCopy !req
279. but, either way,
in last place at the moment.Copy !req
280. Shall we see murky number five?Copy !req
281. Murky number five and I apologise,
you won't enjoy this introduction.Copy !req
282. Time for a drum march,Copy !req
283. sorry, a drum April,Copy !req
284. no, I mean a drum Mae.Copy !req
285. Wey!Copy !req
286. Here we go.Copy !req
287. A single throw, eh?Copy !req
288. Wait a second,
do you have the string?Copy !req
289. Yeah, I've got string.Copy !req
290. Ah. Yeah.Copy !req
291. Why did you bring a hat?Copy !req
292. To look good for this drum solo.Copy !req
293. Isn't that what... is his name Slash?Copy !req
294. Greg.Copy !req
295. Single throw.Copy !req
296. This is the solo bit. Right, lovely.Copy !req
297. You finished? Yep.Copy !req
298. Thanks, Mae. Thank you.Copy !req
299. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.Copy !req
300. I thought it was meant to be
just percussion,Copy !req
301. not STRINGS and percussion.Copy !req
302. Oooh!Copy !req
303. Hoo-hoo-hoo! It's kicking off.Copy !req
304. I felt for you there, Mae,Copy !req
305. because uh, you expected,
I think rightly, everybodyCopy !req
306. to cheer you from the rafters,Copy !req
307. but the whole audience sat there
like this.Copy !req
308. Yeah, but this is like... Because
they don't like clever people.Copy !req
309. Am I coming across smug?
What's going on?Copy !req
310. I think people were confused -
is it a single throw?Copy !req
311. It left my hand only one time
and the momentum continuedCopy !req
312. and it was travelling.Copy !req
313. Can I just say purely
for the sake of argument,Copy !req
314. if you went to a fairgroundCopy !req
315. and they said,
"You've got a single throwCopy !req
316. "to knock over this coconut," and
you went, "Thanks very much, mate,"Copy !req
317. tied a string to the ball,Copy !req
318. threw it once, and then started
swingingCopy !req
319. the string around
until you'd knockedCopy !req
320. the coconut over,Copy !req
321. you might get a beating.Copy !req
322. They're famously not that lenient,Copy !req
323. the old coconut-shy guys.Copy !req
324. I'm a little more forgiving probably.Copy !req
325. What was the score?Copy !req
326. Zero!Copy !req
327. It's GOT to be zero!Copy !req
328. It was one throw.Copy !req
329. What I'll need is the definition
of a throw, I guess, but I...Copy !req
330. I thought you would KNOW
what that word means.Copy !req
331. But, I can... I can look it up.Copy !req
332. Right, throw definition. Here we go.Copy !req
333. To propel something with force
through the air byCopy !req
334. a movement of the arm and hand.Copy !req
335. Was there a throw at all? There was
definitely... There would have to beCopy !req
336. an initial throw,
otherwise I would disqualify.Copy !req
337. Would you like to see the initial
throw? Yes. Course we would.Copy !req
338. We'll litigate this for hours.Copy !req
339. Let's just check. Single throw.Copy !req
340. See? There's then a jerk.Copy !req
341. No-one said anything about a jerk!
If you're going from the momentumCopy !req
342. of the throw...
A drop is not a throw.Copy !req
343. Are you saying it's a drop?
You can't call a drop a throw.Copy !req
344. There was definite wrist.Copy !req
345. There's definite wrist, Greg,
but I don't throwCopy !req
346. my penis across the room
every morning, do 1?Copy !req
347. Do you use string?Copy !req
348. If you throw something on a stringCopy !req
349. and then jerk it backwards,
it's a cast.Copy !req
350. Whoa!Copy !req
351. Do you want me to look up cast?Copy !req
352. Definition of cast.Copy !req
353. Yeah.Copy !req
354. This is my favourite thing ever.Copy !req
355. I've been wrong too many times.Copy !req
356. It is exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
357. And do you knowCopy !req
358. the thing that's swinging it
in your favour the most?Copy !req
359. Is it swinging it or throwing it?Copy !req
360. Very nice. Yeah, well,Copy !req
361. to cast means to move or send forth
by throwing.Copy !req
362. So, we're back to where we started.Copy !req
363. Oh! That's clearly where I've gone
wrong with fishingCopy !req
364. because I've been doing this
when I should be throwingCopy !req
365. the fucking rod.Copy !req
366. That's it. I'm letting them get away
with it!Copy !req
367. Which means, shall I sum up
the scores for you, Greg?Copy !req
368. Let me just drink Kiell's face in.Copy !req
369. Mmmm!Copy !req
370. Well, in that case,
it's one point to Ivo, two to Kiell,Copy !req
371. three to Jenny, four to Frankie
and five to Mae Martin.Copy !req
372. There it is.Copy !req
373. Let's have a look at the scoreboard.Copy !req
374. OK, well, the winner ofCopy !req
375. the past two episodes, Ivo,
is in last place with two,Copy !req
376. but Frankie's in the lead
with nine.Copy !req
377. Despite arguably a terrible
injustice,Copy !req
378. can we have another task, please?Copy !req
379. Yes, and it's time to testCopy !req
380. the five on their nautical
construction skills.Copy !req
381. Hello.Copy !req
382. Ah, goldfish bowl. Yep.Copy !req
383. It's all wet.Copy !req
384. Make the fastest egg boat.Copy !req
385. Your egg boat must look like
a boat and transport an egg.Copy !req
386. If your egg boat sinks or loses
its egg, you're disqualified.Copy !req
387. That's a bit strong.Copy !req
388. You have three minutes
to order five materials.Copy !req
389. Oh. And then 15 minutes
to make your egg boat.Copy !req
390. Also, all your materials must start
with the same letter.Copy !req
391. And you can't order anythingCopy !req
392. boaty.Copy !req
393. OK, your time starts now.Copy !req
394. Certainly people make paper things,
don't they? Paper.Copy !req
395. Polystyrene.Copy !req
396. Plasticine.Copy !req
397. But now I have to think about
other Ps. Yes.Copy !req
398. A ball, like a tiny ball, like
a golf ball. Ball, ball for golf.Copy !req
399. Balls - brackets - ping-pong.Copy !req
400. Plastic, by which I mean
like clingfilm.Copy !req
401. Plastic inflatable water wings.Copy !req
402. Armbands.
They begin with P, do they?Copy !req
403. Plastic inflatable water wings. OK.Copy !req
404. Gaffer tape, gaffer... baffer,
baffer tape.Copy !req
405. Could you get some baffer tape?
I don't know what baffer tape is.Copy !req
406. It's like gaffer tape
but it's better.Copy !req
407. I don't think I can get you
baffer tape.Copy !req
408. Balloons.Copy !req
409. A balloon.Copy !req
410. Bras, umpteen bras.Copy !req
411. I'lLl get you umpteen bras.Copy !req
412. Banana. Bread. P... Plant.Copy !req
413. Uh... bacon?Copy !req
414. WHISTLE BLOWS, APPLAUSECopy !req
415. Baffer tape and umpteen bras?Copy !req
416. Great band.Copy !req
417. Baffer tape's the lead singer, is he?Copy !req
418. Do you want to see them build?Copy !req
419. I'd like to see their boat builds,
please.Copy !req
420. Let's show them the boat builds. Here's
how they got on making their egg boats.Copy !req
421. Hello. You've got 15 minutes.Copy !req
422. 15 minutes from now?Copy !req
423. What am I making again?Copy !req
424. I was hoping
for a larger loaf of breadCopy !req
425. so that I could put the bucket
in the plastic bag.Copy !req
426. If it fits a golf ball, it will fit
an egg.Copy !req
427. So, that's number one, that's done.Copy !req
428. Oh, I don't get the egg?Copy !req
429. Oh, I've got an egg on me
if you want.Copy !req
430. Yes, I think it'd be quite good
to have the egg.Copy !req
431. Thank you very much.Copy !req
432. Great. I'd like it to be really
structurally sound,Copy !req
433. you know fortified,
yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
434. Well, I'm gonna try
and remember origami boats,Copy !req
435. which I last did maybe age seven.Copy !req
436. Quite a lot of drugs and alcohol
have taken place since then.Copy !req
437. You know these, the foamy tit cups?Copy !req
438. They'll act as a buoyancy aid.Copy !req
439. Awww!Copy !req
440. I'm gonna need another balloon.Copy !req
441. I'll take two if they're going.Copy !req
442. It doesn't look like a boat yet. No.Copy !req
443. Great. In you go.Copy !req
444. Ah, it's looking like a boat now.Copy !req
445. Why's it doing that?Copy !req
446. Egg's gonna be in there
with a little hat on.Copy !req
447. Mm-hm. You put the basket
in the water like this.Copy !req
448. How heavy's the water?Copy !req
449. Pardon? How heavy will the water be?Copy !req
450. You're asking me
how heavy the water will be?Copy !req
451. Yes. What is the weight of
the water?Copy !req
452. What do you want me to tell you?Copy !req
453. I want to know
how heavy the water is.Copy !req
454. Right, well,
we're gonna use standard water.Copy !req
455. Still? Still, yes, still. Mmm.Copy !req
456. Yeah, I'm quite happy with that.Copy !req
457. I haven't really needed PlasticineCopy !req
458. or a plant.Copy !req
459. There's only one thing for this,
then -Copy !req
460. decorate the fuck out of it.Copy !req
461. HMS Boat.Copy !req
462. I think I've slightly neglected
the egg, actually.Copy !req
463. It's a bad omen.Copy !req
464. You going to eat your banana?Copy !req
465. Right, first things first.Copy !req
466. I mean, Jenny's boat is
an act of madness, isn't it?Copy !req
467. I don't think
it was ANY of our finest hours.Copy !req
468. Although I did write down the quote,Copy !req
469. "These foaming tit cups
will act as a buoyancy aid."Copy !req
470. I find the idea ofCopy !req
471. a seven-year-old Frankie Boyle doing
origami to be adorable.Copy !req
472. There's been a lot of arts and
crafts in this episode,Copy !req
473. hasn't there? Yeah, there has.Copy !req
474. In that little video, you said,Copy !req
475. but quickly you moved onto drugs and
alcohol.Copy !req
476. So in this sort of biographical line,Copy !req
477. origami was very much a gateway.Copy !req
478. I just wish I'd kept it up during
the drug years.Copy !req
479. Who knows what I might have created?Copy !req
480. When Kiell asked for two balloons,
he did the cheekiest face.Copy !req
481. It was THIS cheeky face.Copy !req
482. I'll take two if they're going.Copy !req
483. Mae's boat looked likeCopy !req
484. the most buoyant object ever created,Copy !req
485. but it is "one shit boat",
is what I wrote down.Copy !req
486. Ivo, I haven't mentioned your lovely
boat. Were you pleased with it?Copy !req
487. I don't mind it, Greg.Copy !req
488. It's been a terrible show,
and that's far from my low point.Copy !req
489. If you want to see the egg boat race
of the century,Copy !req
490. you're gonna have
to sit on your hands forCopy !req
491. a few minutes and be patient,
thank you. Bye.Copy !req
492. Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where our egg boatsCopy !req
493. are under starter's orders.
Race, Alex?Copy !req
494. Caucasian, Greg. But, let's...Copy !req
495. .. not dwell on that.Copy !req
496. It's not a bad joke,
fair play to the boy.Copy !req
497. It is now time
for the great egg boat race.Copy !req
498. On your marks.Copy !req
499. EGG set.Copy !req
500. Boat!Copy !req
501. "80s-STYLE POP ROCK MUSICCopy !req
502. Aww!Copy !req
503. I don't think anyone was excited
by the race at all. Do you?Copy !req
504. Not even them.Copy !req
505. I was excited. Were you?
Yeah, loved it.Copy !req
506. Where did you come, fourth? Yeah.Copy !req
507. First in fun.Copy !req
508. First in fun. First in fun.Copy !req
509. Yeah, the timings were Mae 3:25,Copy !req
510. Ivo 2:04, Jenny 1:46,Copy !req
511. Kiell 1:45.
So close but, Frankie, 1:33.Copy !req
512. Let's watch the beginning again.Copy !req
513. That's the most exciting bit
when they jump out.Copy !req
514. I love the beginning. This is the
beginning of the race. Here we go.Copy !req
515. On your marks.Copy !req
516. EGG set. Boat!Copy !req
517. Egg off? Egg off. Egg off.Copy !req
518. Egg overboard!Copy !req
519. I had essentially just wrappedCopy !req
520. an egg in some paper.Copy !req
521. I can have few complaints.Copy !req
522. Don't you put seven-year-oldCopy !req
523. Frankie Boyle's origami skills down
like that.Copy !req
524. So, because Frankie is disqualified,Copy !req
525. the egg was released,
he gets zero points.Copy !req
526. Well, I don't know,
I'm thinking it still counts,Copy !req
527. and I'm gonna give him the five.Copy !req
528. Huh? I just said thatCopy !req
529. to have a look at Kiell's face.Copy !req
530. It is zero to Frankie.
Zero to Frankie, I'm afraid.Copy !req
531. It's two to Mae,
it's three to Ivo,Copy !req
532. it's four to Jenny,Copy !req
533. it's five points
to Kiell Smith-Bynoe.Copy !req
534. I'm hungry for another task,
please, Alex.Copy !req
535. Well, let me satiate that monstrous
appetite of yoursCopy !req
536. with a multitude of tasks
all wrapped in one.Copy !req
537. Welcome to the hall. Oh, hi.Copy !req
538. Bingo. Bingo. Bingo, it is.Copy !req
539. There's nine tasks on the board
behind youCopy !req
540. and one on the plinth.Copy !req
541. Yes. If you could open the one
on the plinth, please.Copy !req
542. I'll open the one on the plinth.Copy !req
543. Always check on the back.Copy !req
544. First to complete
a line or four corners wins.Copy !req
545. The time starts
when someone shouts "bingo".Copy !req
546. So I'll be pulling numbers
out of this. OK.Copy !req
547. A ball will come out,
you've got to then openCopy !req
548. the task that corresponds
with that number.Copy !req
549. Once you've read it out, I'll shout
"bingo" and we're off. OK.Copy !req
550. Let's play bingo. Love to.Copy !req
551. Oh, no! My gate was open.Copy !req
552. I wanna play bingo,
I don't want to mess around.Copy !req
553. You're not alone.Copy !req
554. 5.5 million people play it at least
twice a week in this country.Copy !req
555. Is that right? 8% of the country.
All of Finland.Copy !req
556. Really? Go on, then.Copy !req
557. All right, first to play bingo,
it's Kiell and Mae.Copy !req
558. Let's play bingo.Copy !req
559. Is there a number?Copy !req
560. Heinz varieties, 57.Copy !req
561. Two little ducks, 22.Copy !req
562. OK.Copy !req
563. Throw each of your shoes
onto a different roof.Copy !req
564. Sit in the shed for three minutesCopy !req
565. and think about
what you have done. Bingo!Copy !req
566. Roof of the caravan.Copy !req
567. Roof of the panel... house.Copy !req
568. I did it!Copy !req
569. All right,
let's carry on playing bingo.Copy !req
570. Oh, we've got knock on the door, 4.Copy !req
571. Tickle me, 63.Copy !req
572. All right.Copy !req
573. Make the bingo bin go out
of the main gates.Copy !req
574. Get fully into the sleeping bag
then get out of the sleeping bagCopy !req
575. and put the sleeping bag
fully into the sleeping bag bag.Copy !req
576. I haven't got any shoes on!Copy !req
577. Z1-1-1P!
OK? You're fully in. Get fully out.Copy !req
578. Oh, man!Copy !req
579. I got no shoes on!Copy !req
580. I got no shoes on.Copy !req
581. Right, two down,Copy !req
582. Mae, you might get 60 here,
and that'll be a line.Copy !req
583. It's not 60,Copy !req
584. we've got Christmas cake, 38.Copy !req
585. Put exactly four pints of water
in the pot.Copy !req
586. I've got no shoes on!Copy !req
587. Wait, the water's coming out
the bottom.Copy !req
588. I might as well
just put it on the floor!Copy !req
589. Yeah! Get out of it!Copy !req
590. Five pints, three pints.Copy !req
591. 2,000 divided by five is 600,
600 x 4...Copy !req
592. Come on, give me 38.Copy !req
593. No, we've got rise and shine 29.Copy !req
594. Scream "I have been in all four
rooms of the house,"Copy !req
595. in all four rooms of the house.Copy !req
596. I have been in all four rooms
of the house!Copy !req
597. 38, please.Copy !req
598. It's not 38.Copy !req
599. 53. Get a banana down from the tree.
Bingo!Copy !req
600. That sounds like an outside job.
I don't have any shoes on!Copy !req
601. That's 2,400.Copy !req
602. Thank you. Dirty Gerty, 30.Copy !req
603. Pop all but one bubble
on the bubble wrap.Copy !req
604. Speak to John. Bingo!Copy !req
605. Who's John?Copy !req
606. This could be your line.Copy !req
607. It's not great.Copy !req
608. John? Argh!Copy !req
609. I don't have any shoes on!Copy !req
610. John?Copy !req
611. Alex, who's John?Copy !req
612. Oh, I don't know anyone called John.Copy !req
613. Ah, now, then. Are we close?
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
614. Stop the clock? Yep.Copy !req
615. Thanks for calling John Lewis.Copy !req
616. Is this, uh, is this John Hm-mh?Copy !req
617. John Lewis. Yeah?Copy !req
618. Customer services, yeah.Copy !req
619. Great, all right, thank you.Copy !req
620. I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
621. Line. Thank you, Mae.
Congratulations, Kiell, bye-bye.Copy !req
622. Not bad. Did Kiell have any shoes on
during that task?Copy !req
623. It's very hard to tell.Copy !req
624. Mae, meticulous as ever.Copy !req
625. Yes, took their time
on the bubble wrap.Copy !req
626. Lot of time, yeah, yeah.
20 minutes on the bubble wrap alone.Copy !req
627. When will we get to meet
this character more,Copy !req
628. the "get out of it" guy?Copy !req
629. Get out of it!Copy !req
630. Get aht of it! I liked him.Copy !req
631. I saw him as a farmer, mid 60s?Copy !req
632. Yeah. What sort of other stuff
does he put out, this farmer?Copy !req
633. Rapscallions.Copy !req
634. Is he married?Copy !req
635. He was.Copy !req
636. And what did he say
when he got divorced?Copy !req
637. I can't wait to get aht of it!Copy !req
638. So, yes, Mae 26:13.Copy !req
639. Kiell, considerably quicker, 20:30.
Current leader.Copy !req
640. Now, for the two you're most likely
to find in a bingo hall.Copy !req
641. Oh, I'm not standing for this.Copy !req
642. I'm not standing for this shit.Copy !req
643. It's Frankie and Jenny.
Here we go, Frankie and Jenny.Copy !req
644. Together as well.Copy !req
645. Let's go, Jenny. Let's play bingo.Copy !req
646. Well, we've got one.Copy !req
647. We've got one.
Sitting in the tree, 53.Copy !req
648. 53. Get the banana
down from the tree.Copy !req
649. Right I need a stick.
Sticky stick stick.Copy !req
650. No. Banana. Wow.Copy !req
651. It's not fair to penalise
the short arse.Copy !req
652. Come to me.Copy !req
653. Yes.Copy !req
654. Throw each of your shoes...
Onto a different roof.Copy !req
655. Bingo! No problem.Copy !req
656. Bugger.Copy !req
657. Poor show.Copy !req
658. Make the bingo bin go out of
the main gates.Copy !req
659. Two shoes, two roofs.Copy !req
660. Rise and shine, 29.Copy !req
661. We're going all over the place
now. It's like a cruelty.Copy !req
662. Achieved, Alex,Copy !req
663. but at what cost?Copy !req
664. I have been in all four rooms of
the house!Copy !req
665. Lovely screaming, Jenny.Copy !req
666. Thank you. It's one of my skills.Copy !req
667. Speak to John.Copy !req
668. Who's John? Bingo!Copy !req
669. John, John, can you help me?Copy !req
670. I do know a John.Copy !req
671. How you doing, John, you all right?Copy !req
672. I'm not bad, mate. What's happening?Copy !req
673. John? John?Copy !req
674. Right, Frankie, there's five
numbers left.Copy !req
675. Three of them would give you a line.Copy !req
676. What have we got?Copy !req
677. Grandma's getting frisky, 60.Copy !req
678. Where's John? My feet hurt.
Oh, John.Copy !req
679. Pop all but one bubble.Copy !req
680. Where's the bubble wrap?Copy !req
681. Has fucking John got it?Copy !req
682. This is terrible because
this is not even someone I know.Copy !req
683. This could be a line here, Jenny.Copy !req
684. I'm gonna try and remove
a bit of bubble wrap.Copy !req
685. Hello?Copy !req
686. Oh, hi, sorry, John,
I'm really sorry,Copy !req
687. I've just picked up Jeff's phoneCopy !req
688. and I've dialled you by accident,
I do apologise.Copy !req
689. Bye-bye.Copy !req
690. I got a John.Copy !req
691. Line. Bingo.Copy !req
692. Just need some of these, man.Copy !req
693. The tasks? Yeah.Copy !req
694. It's gone surprisingly well.Copy !req
695. That is bingo, mate.Copy !req
696. I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
697. I think we got a hint
of the destruction that wasCopy !req
698. to come with you, when you were asked
to throw your shoes ontoCopy !req
699. the roof and you went, "No problem."Copy !req
700. Yes. In the middle of that task,Copy !req
701. I decided to go back to therapy.Copy !req
702. Was it when you were throwing a binCopy !req
703. over the top of an open able gate?Copy !req
704. Jenny, uh, seemingly lost inCopy !req
705. the garden shouting, "John, John,Copy !req
706. "my feet hurt, John.Copy !req
707. Normally a scene that would be
followed by, "Come back inside."Copy !req
708. Oh, don't.Copy !req
709. I just had a glimpse into my future,
and it's awful.Copy !req
710. So neither of them brought back
a banana,Copy !req
711. but they did both bring back
the word banana. Banana sign, yes.Copy !req
712. Are you happy with them bringing
back a "banana"?Copy !req
713. No, it doesn't count as a banana.Copy !req
714. Yes, thank you.Copy !req
715. Even though it was a "banana".Copy !req
716. Was there a banana up that tree?
There was a banana in the tree.Copy !req
717. Then, they should have brought back
a banana.Copy !req
718. Are you saying the word banana
isn't banana?Copy !req
719. I'm saying the word banana
written on a sign is not a banana.Copy !req
720. It quite clearly is a banana.Copy !req
721. It's the word banana.Copy !req
722. I would say also
it said to THROW your shoes ontoCopy !req
723. the roof, and Jenny placed a shoe
on top of the, uh...Copy !req
724. I think she propelled it
with her arm and hand.Copy !req
725. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSECopy !req
726. Please, let's not get into throwing.Copy !req
727. Yeah, I mean, I hate myself.Copy !req
728. You do have a problem
with this bananaCopy !req
729. so what do we do?
Because they were quick.Copy !req
730. Jenny was 8:12, Frankie 14:38.Copy !req
731. So first and second at the moment,
but what about this banana?Copy !req
732. I might have to think about it
over the break. Ooh!Copy !req
733. You've never done that before. No.Copy !req
734. You normally go for a wee.Copy !req
735. Remember, though,
just cos something's gotCopy !req
736. the word toilet written on itCopy !req
737. doesn't mean it's a toilet.Copy !req
738. I won't be pissing against the door.Copy !req
739. I wasn't gonna eat the sign!Copy !req
740. We're off again for a break.Copy !req
741. We just don't have the stamina
we once did, it's sobering stuff.Copy !req
742. When you come back,
someone will win a raw turkeyCopy !req
743. and consequently salmonella.Copy !req
744. Hello, you sweet, sweet people,
you join us forCopy !req
745. the final part of tonight's showCopy !req
746. and the conclusion to our bingo gala.Copy !req
747. Yes, I can't wait to see
what happens, even thoughCopy !req
748. I know exactly what happens,
which is just weird, isn't it?Copy !req
749. One person left to see,
and it's all his own doing.Copy !req
750. It's Ivo Graham.Copy !req
751. Knock on the door, four.Copy !req
752. Get fully into the sleeping bag
then get out of the sleeping bagCopy !req
753. and put the sleeping bag
fully into the sleeping bag bag.Copy !req
754. Bingo!Copy !req
755. There it is.Copy !req
756. What?Copy !req
757. That's in.Copy !req
758. All right. Play again.Copy !req
759. 30. Speak to John.Copy !req
760. Hello, Angie, is John there
by any chance?Copy !req
761. No worries, I'lLl speak to him later.Copy !req
762. Thanks very much, Angie. Bye.Copy !req
763. Let's go, let's go again.Copy !req
764. Sit in the shed for three minutes.
Um, let's go again, bingo again.Copy !req
765. 60. Oh, no.Copy !req
766. This is arduous.
Let's go, let's go again.Copy !req
767. 53.38. 22.Copy !req
768. Actually, I might leave that.
Tickle me, 63.Copy !req
769. Make the bingo bin go
out of the main gate.Copy !req
770. Get a banana down from the tree.Copy !req
771. It's shoe time.Copy !req
772. Shall we see the last ball? Yeah.Copy !req
773. I wonder what it's gonna be?Copy !req
774. I'm having a bad time. 29.Copy !req
775. I have been in all four rooms
of the house!Copy !req
776. So, 63 will complete a line.Copy !req
777. Every number will complete a line.Copy !req
778. I'll sit in the shed.Copy !req
779. It's gone terribly.Copy !req
780. I think that was three minutesCopy !req
781. but I didn't have
a way of measuring it.Copy !req
782. So you sat in the shed for three
minutes? Yep. You're sure?Copy !req
783. Oh, my God.Copy !req
784. I sat in the caravan.Copy !req
785. I'm calling my dad's friend
and my former doctor.Copy !req
786. Oh, hello, Jonathan,Copy !req
787. I'm so sorry I've rung you
by accident, I do apologise.Copy !req
788. Well, it's lovely
to hear you too. I'd...Copy !req
789. Oh, terrific.Copy !req
790. Oh, right.Copy !req
791. You must shout "line"
when you've finished.Copy !req
792. Um, have a lovely weekend.
Give my best to the boys. Bye.Copy !req
793. Line!Copy !req
794. Sometimes, rather thanCopy !req
795. a lot of chit-chat, you can just
sum things up with an image.Copy !req
796. Yes, let's do that.Copy !req
797. Right, let's give some points out,
shall we? OK.Copy !req
798. We're gonna drop the banana sign
people by one point. OK.Copy !req
799. I can tell you what the scores are.Copy !req
800. Mae 26:13, just the one point.Copy !req
801. Ivo was 25:27,Copy !req
802. so still faster than Mae, somehow.
Two points.Copy !req
803. Kiell, three points
with his 20 minutesCopy !req
804. then Frankie and Jenny were meant
to get four and fiveCopy !req
805. but Jenny gets four, Frankie gets
three, the same as Kiell.Copy !req
806. That's it, Jenny wins the task
but only four points.Copy !req
807. Oh, my God! Argh!Copy !req
808. OK, well, I've done the
calculations.Copy !req
809. Ready for the scoreboards?
Oh, God, am I?Copy !req
810. Rock-bottom, Ivo Graham with seven.Copy !req
811. Rock top,
Jenny Eclair with 15 points.Copy !req
812. It's that time again,
please head to the stage forCopy !req
813. the final task of the show.Copy !req
814. Hello, Corporal Good Boy.
Good evening, Captain.Copy !req
815. Who's gonna read out the task?Copy !req
816. This time Jenny Eclair's gonna
read it out.Copy !req
817. Excuse me.Copy !req
818. Pour your sand into
the other bottle.Copy !req
819. Slowest to pour their sand into
the other bottle wins.Copy !req
820. You must pour your sandCopy !req
821. from at least a foot above your
other bottle.Copy !req
822. If there is a break in your sand
stream, you are disqualified.Copy !req
823. Would you like to discard the task,
Jenny?Copy !req
824. Oh!Copy !req
825. So, at all times your bottle must be
above that blackboard.Copy !req
826. Are we trying to pour it
the slowest?Copy !req
827. Yes, so slowest wins.Copy !req
828. If there's any break in your sand
stream, you are out.Copy !req
829. You must start your pouring within
two secondsCopy !req
830. of me blowing the whistle cos
it'll take a while to come out.Copy !req
831. This is electric television.Copy !req
832. It's gonna get... it's gonna get even
more electric.Copy !req
833. Oh, God, he's got no shoes on!Copy !req
834. Oh, he's got no shoes on.Copy !req
835. I don't wanna get this shit
in my trainers.Copy !req
836. Why would you get shit
in your trainers?Copy !req
837. Because I'm gonna miss the bottle.Copy !req
838. OK, is everyone ready?
Last person still pouring wins.Copy !req
839. Ohh!Copy !req
840. Has anyone broken a stream yet?
Nope.Copy !req
841. Ivo, it's got to be a foot, Ivo,
it must be a foot.Copy !req
842. It's like having
a really worryingly long piss.Copy !req
843. Being our age,
this sort of stream's quite commonCopy !req
844. for Frankie and I.Copy !req
845. Do you know what?
I thought this was gonna beCopy !req
846. shit telly but I'm actually
quite enjoying this.Copy !req
847. It's like an art therapy themed
episode.Copy !req
848. Mae has completed the task.Copy !req
849. Frankie's completed it.Copy !req
850. Kiell has also completed it.Copy !req
851. Don't go any lower than that, Jenny.Copy !req
852. Oh, I see. Oh, you...Copy !req
853. We're done.Copy !req
854. We'll work all that out
and then work out the points.Copy !req
855. Come back down and join me for a
while. APPLAUSE AND CHEERINGCopy !req
856. As someone who was just
observing it,Copy !req
857. I'd say there's
some hearts gonna be broken.Copy !req
858. Obviously, as we made clear,Copy !req
859. if the sand stream was broken,
instant disqualification.Copy !req
860. You're out.
We've analysed the footageCopy !req
861. and there was
an early disqualification.Copy !req
862. So, I'm gonna show you the momentCopy !req
863. the first disqualification happened
three seconds afterCopy !req
864. I blew my whistle.Copy !req
865. Kiell there. Fuck off.Copy !req
866. Well, Kiell, there was no sand
between either bottle.Copy !req
867. I don't see any blue sand either,
if I'm being totally honest.Copy !req
868. Mae, exactly that, so I'm sorry
to say we have lost Kiell and Mae.Copy !req
869. Seven frames later,
there's no red sand.Copy !req
870. Frankie. Frankie, there was a break
in the sand stream.Copy !req
871. To be honest, the whole episode
has been suchCopy !req
872. a thrilling journey
through language and meaning.Copy !req
873. Two seconds after Frankie broke
his stream... Yep.Copy !req
874. Ivo Graham broke his stream.Copy !req
875. I emotionally processed that about
half an hour ago. It's all right.Copy !req
876. Just Jenny left, but six seconds
after, this happened.Copy !req
877. They're all disqualified,Copy !req
878. Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.Copy !req
879. That's the end of the task. WWhoo!Copy !req
880. What a rush to finish on. And...?Copy !req
881. And we need to apologise
to the viewers. Sorry.Copy !req
882. It does mean we have
a brand-new winner of Taskmaster.Copy !req
883. Ivo came last, but with 15 points,Copy !req
884. Jenny Eclair wins an episode! Oh!Copy !req
885. Jenny Eclair is tonight's winner.Copy !req
886. Please head up to have some fun
with your things on your head!Copy !req
887. So, what have we learnt today?Copy !req
888. We've learnt that in the unlikely
event that Morrissey sees senseCopy !req
889. and reforms the seminal '80s band
The Smiths, they need look no furtherCopy !req
890. for their album cover than this.Copy !req
891. But, at the end of the fourth
episode, there is just one winner,Copy !req
892. and that winner is Jenny Eclair.
See you next time!Copy !req