1. Brace, brace!Copy !req
2. I'm bracing!
CLATTERINGCopy !req
3. Hmm!Copy !req
4. This program me contains
strong language and adult humourCopy !req
5. No, no, no, no!Copy !req
6. TRUMPET-LIKE HONKINGCopy !req
7. No!Copy !req
8. Ahh!Copy !req
9. What?Copy !req
10. Hello! Yes!Copy !req
11. Yes, it is!Copy !req
12. It's the Taskmaster grand final!Copy !req
13. Welcome to you all.Copy !req
14. I'm Greg Davies,Copy !req
15. and I'm here to lead you through
this magnificent final hour.Copy !req
16. What does it take
to become a champion?Copy !req
17. Well, if you want the most prized
trophy in television,Copy !req
18. you need to tap into your own soul,Copy !req
19. you need an energy source
that hithertoCopy !req
20. you may only have been
vaguely aware of.Copy !req
21. Each of these people,
if they really want it,Copy !req
22. will have to meet whatever
their own version of God might be.Copy !req
23. Or - and I mean this -Copy !req
24. I'll fix it for 15 grand.Copy !req
25. Anyone who pays 15 grand
into my account can win it.Copy !req
26. I don't care. Why would I care?Copy !req
27. So, here they are.Copy !req
28. For the last time, please welcomeCopy !req
29. your five fearless fighters,
Frankie Boyle...Copy !req
30. Ivo Graham...Copy !req
31. Jenny Eclair...Copy !req
32. Kiell Smith-Bynoe...Copy !req
33. and Mae Martin.Copy !req
34. And next to me,Copy !req
35. a man who told me
that as a young personCopy !req
36. he used to practise kissingCopy !req
37. on his grandfather's pet carp
Mr Suckles.Copy !req
38. It's Little Alex Horne!Copy !req
39. Hello, everyone.
It's the final, Greg.Copy !req
40. It's the final. It's the final.
I'm going to miss you, Greg.Copy !req
41. Are you?
Yes, I like sitting next to you.Copy !req
42. What's this then?Copy !req
43. Well, I was wondering if you wanted
to come to my birthday party.Copy !req
44. You're going to be
the first person I invited.Copy !req
45. Aw!Copy !req
46. That is a lovely way
to start the grand final.Copy !req
47. Great.Copy !req
48. "Alex is turning 50."
It's in six years.Copy !req
49. "Alex would like the pleasure of
Greg's company at my 50th birthday.Copy !req
50. "Dress code, naughty but nice.Copy !req
51. "Arrival, 3.30pm.Copy !req
52. "Carriages, 4.30am."
It's just you and me. Um...Copy !req
53. "Venue TBC." Probably a farm.Copy !req
54. And then you just tear off that bit
and return it if you're coming.Copy !req
55. It's an RSVP slip on the bottom.Copy !req
56. Right, let's get on with the
show, shall we? OK. LAUGHTERCopy !req
57. What have we got for the final
prize task of the show, Alex?Copy !req
58. It's a real money-spinner, Greg,Copy !req
59. because you've asked them
to bring inCopy !req
60. the best Greg Davies merchandiseCopy !req
61. that isn't on the market
but should be on the market.Copy !req
62. Of course, there's already
a lot of great stuff out there -Copy !req
63. enough to make quite
an alarming shrine, let me tell you.Copy !req
64. But Greg's going to judge
his favourite one,Copy !req
65. and then the lucky episode winner
will win a lotCopy !req
66. of Greg Davies merchandise,Copy !req
67. which I can drop round to them
at a later date.Copy !req
68. Well, Mae Martin. Hi.Copy !req
69. Have you got some good
me merchandise?Copy !req
70. Yeah. Um, my... my dad was involved.Copy !req
71. How was your dad involved?Copy !req
72. Basically, in lockdown,
he kind of became like Geppetto,Copy !req
73. so he and I together designed
a Greg Davies puppet.Copy !req
74. Yeah, this is what Mr Martin made.Copy !req
75. I really want to show you.
Should be on the market, Greg.Copy !req
76. Oh-ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
77. OK, the mouth opens,Copy !req
78. and also it says one
of your famous catchphrases,Copy !req
79. if you press a button. OK.Copy !req
80. I'm so full of hate!Copy !req
81. Oh, thank you, Mae.Copy !req
82. Oh, God.Copy !req
83. It looks like Lord Sugar.Copy !req
84. What, the 75-year-old tycoon?Copy !req
85. Yes. It does.Copy !req
86. It's absolutely incredible.
Is your dad a carpenter?Copy !req
87. No. Well, how has he made you?Copy !req
88. Huh? I don't think he likes me.Copy !req
89. He doesn't like you. Ah!Copy !req
90. And there's two of us now!Copy !req
91. I'm coming
to your shit party in six years!Copy !req
92. I'm going to do a poo on the carpet.Copy !req
93. He's a monster.Copy !req
94. He's horrible.Copy !req
95. Yeah. He is horrible!Copy !req
96. Well, this is going
to take some beating.Copy !req
97. Thank you, Mae.
He's absolutely amazing.Copy !req
98. I'm so full of hate! LAUGHTERCopy !req
99. That is a strong start.Copy !req
100. That's a high bar, isn't it?
That's really annoying, actually.Copy !req
101. Yeah.Copy !req
102. Very good. Ivo.Copy !req
103. Um, Greg, I've actually been
a fan of your workCopy !req
104. since before this show
even came into existence.Copy !req
105. In 2010 at the Edinburgh Fringe,
I watched your debut show.Copy !req
106. What was that show called, Greg?Copy !req
107. It was called
Firing Cheeseballs At A Dog, Ivo.Copy !req
108. Let's look at what the prize is.Copy !req
109. It's this.Copy !req
110. It's your very own Greg Davies
cheese ball catapult.Copy !req
111. Take that, damn pooch!Copy !req
112. That's lovely.Copy !req
113. And even though
it's less and less acceptableCopy !req
114. to fire snacks
into the faces of dogs...Copy !req
115. I hate this woke shit.Copy !req
116. Yeah.Copy !req
117. I mean, one of a dog's jobs
is to catch snacks, surely?Copy !req
118. Why can't they catch them
at velocity?Copy !req
119. I think it's delightful.Copy !req
120. OK. Jenny.Copy !req
121. OK, Greg,Copy !req
122. for you, I had commissioned
a coffee stencil, and I thought,Copy !req
123. oh, just buying a coffee
with your face on it...Copy !req
124. And maybe if you got together
with that cafe placeCopy !req
125. that has the same name as you,Copy !req
126. and then you could have
a Gregg's Greg coffee...Copy !req
127. Yeah, I mean...Copy !req
128. and then you could give
some of the money to charity.Copy !req
129. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
130. There's a lot relying
on this picture, I feel.Copy !req
131. Yeah, yeah.
This is what... Let's have a look.Copy !req
132. But wait for the magic.Copy !req
133. That's the before,
and this is the coffee.Copy !req
134. Why do I suddenly feel like chicken?Copy !req
135. It's not bad at all, Jenny.Copy !req
136. Kiell, you all right?Copy !req
137. Well, I think as much
as people would likeCopy !req
138. to have, like, bits
and pieces to play with,Copy !req
139. I think it's much more fun
to be you.Copy !req
140. Oh, it is not.Copy !req
141. But keep talking.Copy !req
142. Well, when you last felt like that,Copy !req
143. you might've wanted something
like this.Copy !req
144. Have a look.Copy !req
145. It's a Greg Davies morph suit.Copy !req
146. It's so awful.Copy !req
147. I think if this goes on sale,Copy !req
148. I'm going to be arrested
for multiple attacks on people.Copy !req
149. Wow. Thanks, Kiell.Copy !req
150. That's all right. Hi, Frankie.Copy !req
151. Do you know how we're bothCopy !req
152. essentially trembling
on the brink of death?Copy !req
153. With every morning,Copy !req
154. I cannot believe I see the sun again.Copy !req
155. And the real...Copy !req
156. The real test of the ageing process
is the beanbag.Copy !req
157. Once you have to commando roll
out of a beanbag...Copy !req
158. Yeah. .. that's a sign
it's pretty much game over.Copy !req
159. So, what I've developed isCopy !req
160. a euthaniser beanbag...Copy !req
161. that if you sit in it
for more than an hour,Copy !req
162. it folds itself round you
and euthanises you...Copy !req
163. and then zips itself up
like a body bag.Copy !req
164. Yeah, so,
this is Frankie's Greg Davies merch.Copy !req
165. So, it's just got Greg Davies
written...?Copy !req
166. Yes.Copy !req
167. After a while, this would happen.Copy !req
168. You would start
to be subsumed by the beanbag.Copy !req
169. And then... And then...Copy !req
170. he's gone.Copy !req
171. mercy is delivered.Copy !req
172. So, it's a beanbag that determines...Copy !req
173. Whether you live or die.Copy !req
174. OK.Copy !req
175. We've been on a journey.
Who has won the journey?Copy !req
176. Well... Hmm. .. and this is
going to surprise you -Copy !req
177. not Frankie.Copy !req
178. I don't want the Greg Davies
death beanbag to be on the market.Copy !req
179. So, is it one point to Frankie?Copy !req
180. One point. Yes.Copy !req
181. Kiel, two points.Copy !req
182. You're joking. Yeah.Copy !req
183. Oh, it's better than yours.Copy !req
184. Mine was better than yours,
simple as that.Copy !req
185. OK, two points to Kiell.Copy !req
186. Jenny gets three points.Copy !req
187. I sort of don't want to give...Copy !req
188. .. that horrible thing five points,Copy !req
189. but I have to acknowledge
the amount of workCopy !req
190. that's gone into it.Copy !req
191. And you are talking
about the puppet, not Mae.Copy !req
192. Yeah.Copy !req
193. So, I'm going to give Ivo
four points.Copy !req
194. You stuck a sticker
of Greg's face on a catapult...Copy !req
195. and that's better
than my high-concept death bag?Copy !req
196. Ivo's admittedly cheapCopy !req
197. but well-researched catapult
gets four.Copy !req
198. OK.
And my animated corpse gets five.Copy !req
199. Well done, Mae Martin. Five points.Copy !req
200. Right, let's have the first
proper task of the final.Copy !req
201. Gotcha, and I hope you find
this one deeply fulfilling.Copy !req
202. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
203. Mae.Copy !req
204. Alex.Copy !req
205. Remember me?Copy !req
206. How could I forget?Copy !req
207. Everything all right with you?Copy !req
208. Yeah, pretty good. Can't complain.Copy !req
209. No. But I do.Copy !req
210. "Fill the glass up to the line
from the furthest distance."Copy !req
211. “If you use a hose
and someone else uses a hose,Copy !req
212. "both hose users are disqualified."Copy !req
213. Will somebody have used the hose?Copy !req
214. Because there's the danger
of being disqualified.Copy !req
215. "Furthest distance between
contestant and pint glassCopy !req
216. "while filling wins."Copy !req
217. "You have a maximum of 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
218. Surely, why doesn't it just say,Copy !req
219. “If you use the hose,
you'll be disqualified,Copy !req
220. or, "You must not use the hose"?Copy !req
221. Who else is going to use the hose
with me?Copy !req
222. So, in Taskmaster,
it's you against four other people.Copy !req
223. Yeah.Copy !req
224. And if one of them
also uses a hose...Copy !req
225. Yeah.
.. then you'll both be disqualified.Copy !req
226. Ahh!Copy !req
227. Now you've suggested it,Copy !req
228. we're all locked in
a complex game of quadruple bluff.Copy !req
229. Well, we're not going
to get a better introCopy !req
230. to this whole task than the quote,Copy !req
231. "Now the hose has been mentioned,Copy !req
232. "we're all locked
in a game of quadruple bluff."Copy !req
233. It's a sort of classic
Taskmaster task.Copy !req
234. First up, Ivo,
Jenny, Frankie, and Mae.Copy !req
235. I think Kiell's going
to use the hose.Copy !req
236. I'm convinced
he's going to go, "Nah."Copy !req
237. That's my impersonation of him -
"Nah, I'm using the hose."Copy !req
238. I think I can win
this task hose-free.Copy !req
239. I think it might be down to pipes.Copy !req
240. Where's the glass?Copy !req
241. Glass is in the bath.Copy !req
242. Ah.Copy !req
243. It's not full.Copy !req
244. Nah. Nah, nah, nah.Copy !req
245. You've got five minutes, Ivo.Copy !req
246. Not even on the string yet.Copy !req
247. FRANKIE GRUNTSCopy !req
248. Right, so that's just going
to fill that glass, is it? Yeah.Copy !req
249. I'm pretty confident,Copy !req
250. but I'm just going to get
out of the way of it slightly.Copy !req
251. Yeah. I'd... I'd like to do that.Copy !req
252. That's what I need to do.Copy !req
253. I need, um, tubes,
cos that's not working.Copy !req
254. I've never tied a glass
to a piece of string before.Copy !req
255. You haven't got that long, Ivo.Copy !req
256. How confident are you
in your system?Copy !req
257. I think it's very flawed. OK.Copy !req
258. I bet no other bastard
used that hose.Copy !req
259. OK, now I'm going to get
a big jug of water...Copy !req
260. Yeah.Copy !req
261. and it's going to flow.Copy !req
262. Can't see what's going to go wrong.Copy !req
263. There was sarcasm.Copy !req
264. Yeah. Yeah. A lot.Copy !req
265. I have another idea.Copy !req
266. Oh, good.Copy !req
267. Has it come out the other end, Alex?Copy !req
268. No.Copy !req
269. I have a theory. Ah.Copy !req
270. Perhaps some bubbles
will deaden the fall.Copy !req
271. Right. You've got three minutes.Copy !req
272. Someone's going to use the hose,
and the hose is long.Copy !req
273. Oh, the hose is long, yeah.Copy !req
274. OK, we'll start that again there.Copy !req
275. It's filling.Copy !req
276. Jenny, I've logged that distance.Copy !req
277. You still have five minutes if
you wanted to have a second attempt.Copy !req
278. OK. I'd like a balloon
of water and a dart.Copy !req
279. What have I got,
a couple of minutes?Copy !req
280. Yeah. You've got one minute
and a half, Frankie.Copy !req
281. I'm going to lob the glass.Copy !req
282. It'll be cushioned by the bubbles.Copy !req
283. It will fill up with water...Copy !req
284. and, uh,
I'll have completed the task.Copy !req
285. Thank you for being
my assistant, Alex.Copy !req
286. All or nothing.Copy !req
287. GLASS SHATTERSCopy !req
288. That wasn't an encouraging noise.Copy !req
289. No, it didn't sound great, but...Copy !req
290. Could've been some
bubbles bursting.Copy !req
291. You've got four seconds.Copy !req
292. Three, two, one.Copy !req
293. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
294. We lost a bit.
We lost a bit on entry.Copy !req
295. Aw!Copy !req
296. Watch your eyes.Copy !req
297. It's not to the line
and you've got one more balloon.Copy !req
298. OK.Copy !req
299. Oh!Copy !req
300. Did it say over the line?Copy !req
301. As long as it's to the line.Copy !req
302. It's to the line. You done?
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
303. Thanks, Mae.Copy !req
304. Now, Jenny, you've got one minute.
OK.Copy !req
305. So close.Copy !req
306. Ooh!Copy !req
307. It's over the line.Copy !req
308. OK. Thank you, everyone.Copy !req
309. That was great, Jenny.Copy !req
310. It was probably the best thingCopy !req
311. you've done on the whole series,
I feel.Copy !req
312. Honestly, it was possibly one
of the coolest thingsCopy !req
313. I've ever done in my life.Copy !req
314. It was so cool,
and you filled it twice, so...Copy !req
315. Yeah, doubler. Doubler.
It was a doubler, yeah.Copy !req
316. Write that down.
Oh, I have written it down. Doubler.Copy !req
317. Do you want me to write it down
again? Doubler! I'll double it.Copy !req
318. 3.8 metres - half a London bus.Copy !req
319. OK. Well done. Thank you.Copy !req
320. Mae, was it genuinely your intentionCopy !req
321. to just throw a pint of water
in the air...Copy !req
322. and hope that it all landed
in a glass?Copy !req
323. Yeah.Copy !req
324. I think in my head I was a cartoon,Copy !req
325. and it would be like... Blahhh!
Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
326. You did manage to get 8.10 metres -
the same as a London bus.Copy !req
327. Well done, Mae. Exactly? Well done.Copy !req
328. Exactly. Exactly.Copy !req
329. Frankie, I thought the initial thing,
you put some thought into...Copy !req
330. Yeah.Copy !req
331. but when I saw you
just tossing Fairy LiquidCopy !req
332. into a bath...Copy !req
333. You thought, "I'm going to burn
this whole task to the ground.”Copy !req
334. I thought it might work.Copy !req
335. Uh, I still think
it might have worked,Copy !req
336. because all the glass was submerged.Copy !req
337. It was broken but it was submerged,Copy !req
338. so, in a way, the water
was over the line.Copy !req
339. Doesn't... Doesn't say that
you don't have to break the glass.Copy !req
340. I mean, it wasn't full,
but it was covered in water.Copy !req
341. It was fuller,Copy !req
342. because it was covered
in water on both sides.Copy !req
343. Onto Ivo's cascading roller-coaster.Copy !req
344. Hmm. From the very beginning,Copy !req
345. it looked like a sure-fire edition
to your list of failures, I thought,Copy !req
346. but, in fact, a partial success.Copy !req
347. Yeah, the system worked,Copy !req
348. but he was let down cos he didn't
put enough water in the glass.Copy !req
349. And was he a good distance
from there? He was.Copy !req
350. He was about two and a bit
London buses, 18.30 metres.Copy !req
351. Ooh, that's good. Yeah.Copy !req
352. Frankie was two thirds
of a London bus, 5.40 metres.Copy !req
353. But the outside of your glass,
dry as a bone.Copy !req
354. Break time now, and as
an inspiration for our competitors,Copy !req
355. I've been training Alex
to fart Land Of Hope And Glory.Copy !req
356. So, please, Alex, take it away.Copy !req
357. ALEX GRUNTSCopy !req
358. Ahh, no, Daddy! It's whoops!Copy !req
359. Hello! Welcome back.Copy !req
360. It's great to have you here
for this almighty final.Copy !req
361. And it's time to see whether Kiell
did opt for the hose optionCopy !req
362. in the glass-filling task.Copy !req
363. I feel like no-one else
is going to use the hose.Copy !req
364. Even though you might get
disqualifiedCopy !req
365. if someone else uses the hose?Copy !req
366. No risk, no reward.Copy !req
367. Is that true?Copy !req
368. I don't know.Copy !req
369. Right, if I'm someone else
and I've read that...Copy !req
370. Who are you pretending to be?Copy !req
371. Mae.Copy !req
372. And what are they doing?Copy !req
373. I'm not going
to use the hose. It's too scary.Copy !req
374. So, I'd quite like you
to be Frankie now.Copy !req
375. I think
that the hose should be left alone.Copy !req
376. Uh, I'll do the rest
just cause I'm here. Yeah, lvo.Copy !req
377. Hose? Uh...
Uh, no. I don't think so. Uh...Copy !req
378. Well, maybe... Uh, no.
I'm not going to use the hose.Copy !req
379. Mm-hm. And then Jenny.Copy !req
380. Uh, Jenny.
HE CHUCKLESCopy !req
381. Where is the hose?
Where is it?Copy !req
382. I can't be bothered with it.
I've changed my mind.Copy !req
383. Right, are you going
to use the hose then? Yes.Copy !req
384. Nobody else is going to do this.Copy !req
385. No way, hose-y.Copy !req
386. Oh, shit!Copy !req
387. Oh, my God.Copy !req
388. Ahh! Make it stop! The children!Copy !req
389. On, please.Copy !req
390. Hose on!Copy !req
391. Come on. Yeah.Copy !req
392. Is it doing it?Copy !req
393. Doesn't look like it is.Copy !req
394. Is there anything in that cup?Copy !req
395. You've got to be kidding me.Copy !req
396. I might need to get closer.Copy !req
397. I will move the measuring gnome.Copy !req
398. I thought this was going
to be really easy.Copy !req
399. Come on.Copy !req
400. That's nowhere near it.Copy !req
401. 45 seconds left.Copy !req
402. Shit!Copy !req
403. Ahh!Copy !req
404. Oh, boy.Copy !req
405. WHISTLE BLOWS
Please turn the hose off.Copy !req
406. What a drama.Copy !req
407. Oh... Yeah.Copy !req
408. We certainly couldn't have predicted
a grown man shouting at water,Copy !req
409. "Go in the glass, bruv."Copy !req
410. I thought it was going
to be so easy.Copy !req
411. You made the hose sound
like it was, like, the dream.Copy !req
412. That's what he does -
he lures people in.Copy !req
413. No, it is... it is the dream.
Did you just watch that?Copy !req
414. I think I'm not
the only one here thinking,Copy !req
415. "Put the end of the hose
in the glass,Copy !req
416. "make it as long as possible,Copy !req
417. "go to the tap..."Copy !req
418. ".. turn the tap on.”Copy !req
419. Oh, dear.Copy !req
420. You were 8.5 metres away.Copy !req
421. I mean, bear in mind,
Ivo was 18 metres away.Copy !req
422. Please stop using me as
a yardstick for failure.Copy !req
423. That could be your merchandise.Copy !req
424. A yardstick for failure?Copy !req
425. Oh, dear, dear.Copy !req
426. No points to Kiell, amazingly.
No points to Ivo.Copy !req
427. No points, probably, to Frankie -
that's up to you.Copy !req
428. Come on.Copy !req
429. I'm not giving Frankie a pointCopy !req
430. for having water outside
the broken glass.Copy !req
431. That's very creative, but come on.Copy !req
432. No to Frankie,Copy !req
433. which means it's four
to Jenny with the dartsCopy !req
434. and solid tube technique,
and five to Mae Martin.Copy !req
435. Ah!Copy !req
436. Very good.Copy !req
437. Can we see what's happening
on the scoreboard, please?Copy !req
438. Yes.Copy !req
439. We have Frankie on one point,
and at the other end of the table,Copy !req
440. Mae Martin has a full ten points.Copy !req
441. Right, what's next?Copy !req
442. Ooh. Thank goodness.Copy !req
443. It's chess o'clock.Copy !req
444. Oh, dear. Mm. I know.Copy !req
445. I see.Copy !req
446. What's so funny?Copy !req
447. Uh, most of the things,
but I'll start with the Vaseline.Copy !req
448. This...Copy !req
449. sinister implications.Copy !req
450. Ooh.Copy !req
451. "Do what Alex does immediately
after Alex does itCopy !req
452. "in exactly
the same time as Alex does it."Copy !req
453. "You must press your button
when you're satisfiedCopy !req
454. "you have done what Alex has done."Copy !req
455. "If you do not complete
an activity,Copy !req
456. "ten seconds will be
added to your time."Copy !req
457. "Closest to the same
total time wins."Copy !req
458. "The time starts
when Alex presses his button.”Copy !req
459. We haven't started yet. Yep.Copy !req
460. So, we take turns, yes?Copy !req
461. We're playing chess. Oh.Copy !req
462. This clock... Yeah.
.. will tell you what time...Copy !req
463. Is there any point
me looking at that? No. No.Copy !req
464. OK, so, it's a sort of copycat chess.Copy !req
465. Exactly that.Copy !req
466. I just want to point out
that Jenny's version of "hello"Copy !req
467. has morphed across this seriesCopy !req
468. to be almost always something along
the lines of, "Oh, no."Copy !req
469. "Oh, dear."Copy !req
470. I think something horrible happens.Copy !req
471. Yes, it does.Copy !req
472. All right, then. It's intense.Copy !req
473. Forget Kasparov versus Deep Blue.Copy !req
474. This is Kiell and Mae
versus Deep Horne.Copy !req
475. Argh.Copy !req
476. Good luck, Mae. Thank you.Copy !req
477. Good luck, Kiell.Copy !req
478. Good luck, Alex.Copy !req
479. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
480. I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
481. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
482. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
483. Quite slow.Copy !req
484. I'm now going to sharpen a pencil.Copy !req
485. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to sharpen a pencil.Copy !req
486. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
487. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
488. I'm going to have 40 winks.Copy !req
489. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
490. I'm now going to do some maths.Copy !req
491. Oh, Christ.Copy !req
492. I'm going to do some maths.Copy !req
493. MAE WHIMPERSCopy !req
494. Should've sharpened
this pencil properly.Copy !req
495. Uh, pfft!Copy !req
496. I don't remember how to do this.Copy !req
497. TIMER BEEPS
I did some.Copy !req
498. I'm now going to put
five rubber bands on my face.Copy !req
499. HE CHUCKLESCopy !req
500. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
501. You avoided your eyes.Copy !req
502. Yeah.Copy !req
503. Yeah, smart.Copy !req
504. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to open the box.Copy !req
505. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
506. How can I open the box?Copy !req
507. Well, you need the code.Copy !req
508. Where's the code?Copy !req
509. I don't know the code.Copy !req
510. You should have
a four-digit number, Mae.Copy !req
511. Should 17Copy !req
512. Could you just hold this for a sec?Copy !req
513. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
514. I'm going to inflate
an entire balloon.Copy !req
515. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
516. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
517. I'm now going to put my
banana skin in the Vaseline pot.Copy !req
518. OK.Copy !req
519. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
520. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to make a dog.Copy !req
521. Oh, my God.Copy !req
522. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
523. I'm going to use this to tie that.Copy !req
524. There. It lives.Copy !req
525. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
526. It's got short back legs.Copy !req
527. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to pop my dog.Copy !req
528. Yeah.Copy !req
529. TIMER BEEPS
We're finished.Copy !req
530. Thank you, Alex. Good game.Copy !req
531. Kiell, why did you take
so long with that banana?Copy !req
532. I like to enjoy my meals.Copy !req
533. Interesting.
And sinister for some reason.Copy !req
534. Well, they both did pretty well.Copy !req
535. Kiell was three minutes
five seconds slower than me.Copy !req
536. Mae, who has been very good
at Taskmaster throughout Taskmaster,Copy !req
537. two minutes and eight seconds
slower than me,Copy !req
538. which is pretty impressive.Copy !req
539. Next, here's a very Jenny attempt
by Jenny.Copy !req
540. Oh, God.Copy !req
541. Yes, are you ready, Jenny?
Yeah, I'm ready, Alex.Copy !req
542. Here we go.
TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
543. I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
544. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
545. This is my fifth banana today.Copy !req
546. OK. All right.
I've finished that banana.Copy !req
547. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to sharpen my pencil. Mm.Copy !req
548. Shall I do your face as well?Copy !req
549. Is that what I did? Yeah.Copy !req
550. Oh.Copy !req
551. I'm going to do some maths.Copy !req
552. I'm going to do some maths.Copy !req
553. Eight eights are 56.Copy !req
554. Carry five.Copy !req
555. It takes...Copy !req
556. I know an easier way.Copy !req
557. Instantly face-lifted.Copy !req
558. Maybe I should've done it like that.Copy !req
559. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to open the box.Copy !req
560. Well, I'm going to open the box.
OK.Copy !req
561. I've done the fucking sum wrong.Copy !req
562. I've done the fucking sum wrong,
haven't I?Copy !req
563. OK, give me a minute. OK.Copy !req
564. 469... Eight sixes...Copy !req
565. Yeah.Copy !req
566. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
567. It's like the worst
birthday party ever!Copy !req
568. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
569. I'm going to put my banana skin
in my Vaseline pot.Copy !req
570. You fucking weird freak.Copy !req
571. Oh, Alex, it's really good.
There he is.Copy !req
572. BALLOON POPS, SHE LAUGHSCopy !req
573. It's curled up in its basket.Copy !req
574. Yeah. I'm going to pop my dog.Copy !req
575. BALLOON POPS, SHE SHOUTSCopy !req
576. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
577. Why did you do that?Copy !req
578. I'm going to pop my dog.
BALLOON POPSCopy !req
579. Ahh!Copy !req
580. TIMER BEEPS
And we're done.Copy !req
581. I'm going to go and take
some paracetamol for my face.Copy !req
582. OK. Thank you. Goodbye.Copy !req
583. I only understood the chess thingCopy !req
584. cos I'd seen that rather good drama
with... What's that girl called?Copy !req
585. Queen's... The Queen's Gambit.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
586. I've never seen anything
that's further removedCopy !req
587. from The Queen's Gambit.Copy !req
588. Your balloon dog
looked like intestines.Copy !req
589. I was amazed
that you hadn't shat yourselfCopy !req
590. because you'd had so many bananas.Copy !req
591. It was just very stressful
to watch, to be honest.Copy !req
592. Good. We're halfway
through the final.Copy !req
593. Before long,
one person will take homeCopy !req
594. some Greg Davies merchandise,Copy !req
595. and one person will take home
this Greg Davies trophy,Copy !req
596. but who will take home Greg Davies?Copy !req
597. Hello!Copy !req
598. Welcome back to the penultimate part
of this Taskmaster final.Copy !req
599. Alex, please
sit on the edge of your chair,Copy !req
600. recap the current task
like it's a half-time pep talkCopy !req
601. for a sports team.Copy !req
602. Ten little tasks,Copy !req
603. four minutes on the clock.Copy !req
604. Closest to those four minutes wins.Copy !req
605. Ivo, Frankie,
you're going to smash it!Copy !req
606. OK, ready? Let's go.Copy !req
607. OK, I'm just going to mirror you
in every way.Copy !req
608. In every way? Every way.Copy !req
609. Good luck.Copy !req
610. Here we go.Copy !req
611. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
612. I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
613. Think I've got plenty of time.Copy !req
614. You seem to be quite a slow eater.Copy !req
615. It's like you were trying
to establish an alibi.Copy !req
616. TIMERS BEEPCopy !req
617. I'm going to sharpen my pencil.Copy !req
618. I'm going to sharpen my pencil.Copy !req
619. You did that quickly and
with some bitterness behind it.Copy !req
620. TIMER BEEPS
I'm going to have 40 winks.Copy !req
621. I'm going to do some maths now.Copy !req
622. Ah.Copy !req
623. You can always take the hit
and press the button.Copy !req
624. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
625. OK, I'm going to put
five rubber bands on my face.Copy !req
626. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.Copy !req
627. what?Copy !req
628. Oh.
TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
629. Oh.Copy !req
630. Opened.Copy !req
631. TIMER BEEPS
All right.Copy !req
632. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
633. I'm going to put the banana skin
in the tub.Copy !req
634. HE SCOFFSCopy !req
635. I'm going to put the banana skin
in the tub.Copy !req
636. All the way in, please.Copy !req
637. TIMER BEEPS, BUZZERCopy !req
638. I feel this is the same dog
after it got run over.Copy !req
639. 'I stick it down with
the Vaseline. There we are.Copy !req
640. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
641. I'm going to pop the dog.Copy !req
642. TIMER BEEPSCopy !req
643. We're finished.Copy !req
644. Ivo, do you think there was
something you did that might'veCopy !req
645. sabotaged your attempt a little?
Narrow it down.Copy !req
646. It was the moment where you blinded
yourself with the elastic bands.Copy !req
647. When I was on the, uh, train
about five hours after this task,Copy !req
648. someone on the train asked
if I'd been in an accident.Copy !req
649. It sort of looked like
an Ann Summers partyCopy !req
650. that'd gone wrong.Copy !req
651. You know, the balloons
and the Vaseline and all that.Copy !req
652. Yeah, or gone right. Or very...Copy !req
653. very right.Copy !req
654. Were you surprised whenCopy !req
655. Frankie stamped
all over the little box?Copy !req
656. I wasn't surprised at all.Copy !req
657. I'm not great
when I'm under pressure.Copy !req
658. Or when I'm not.Copy !req
659. But you were great
at this kind of thing.Copy !req
660. You got there one minute 32
after me.Copy !req
661. Ivo?Copy !req
662. Ivo had two ten-second penalties
cos he didn't open the box,Copy !req
663. so he didn't get the gloves,
and that was funny.Copy !req
664. And he also didn't make a dog
because of his moist, moist hands.Copy !req
665. So, Frankie, 1.32.
Ivo, 1.3... Is that...?5.Copy !req
666. Aw!
I'm sorry. But pretty good.Copy !req
667. Which means that Jenny...
HE CHUCKLESCopy !req
668. one point for
your eight minutes 50,Copy !req
669. Kiel, two points.Copy !req
670. Mae, three points.Copy !req
671. Ivo, four points.Copy !req
672. But Frankie Boyle gets five points!Copy !req
673. Can I have another one, please?Copy !req
674. You may, but it's the last one.Copy !req
675. Aw!Copy !req
676. I know. And then, bedtime.Copy !req
677. Hello, Frankie. Hello.Copy !req
678. Hello, Ivo. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
679. Ahh!Copy !req
680. I thought I stole this pen.Copy !req
681. The outside of the task says,Copy !req
682. "Write the name of
a profession in this hole,Copy !req
683. “then open the task."Copy !req
684. Hmm.
Plumber. Architect. That's smart.Copy !req
685. I'm trying to think what
the task is going to be.Copy !req
686. Let's write something
that's going to be easy.Copy !req
687. If we put "dog walker",Copy !req
688. we might at least
get to meet a dog.Copy !req
689. what about artist?Copy !req
690. Artist is good because... Yeah.
Cos it's a bit... Open-ended.Copy !req
691. open-ended. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah? Let's do artist. Yeah. Right.Copy !req
692. I'm writing "artist". Artist.Copy !req
693. So, you're counting dog walker
as a profession?Copy !req
694. Yeah, I don't want to...
I don't want to be too down on...Copy !req
695. Yeah. I mean, it's...Copy !req
696. If it's very rarely
in the drop-down menu, but...Copy !req
697. but nor is...
you know, nor is stand-up.Copy !req
698. OK. Fingers crossed.Copy !req
699. "Perform an original lullaby
for a dog walker."Copy !req
700. "Perform an original lullaby
for an artist."Copy !req
701. "Most soporific, profession-specific
lullaby wins.Copy !req
702. "You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
703. What sort of artist is this?Copy !req
704. Watercolours.Copy !req
705. We can go through
all the paint colours, can't we?Copy !req
706. Can we find a dog
that would fall asleep?Copy !req
707. Something that's really
on its last legs from the vet.Copy !req
708. You want to use
our allotted half hour...Copy !req
709. to seek out a nearly dead dog?Copy !req
710. Uh, "aquamarine” -
that's a good word.Copy !req
711. Can you harmonise?Copy !req
712. No, not really.Copy !req
713. But I can certainly think
of some dog species that rhyme.Copy !req
714. Look what I birthed, that's a baby.Copy !req
715. Looks at this little artist.Copy !req
716. There. I'll put a body
so it's got...Copy !req
717. Oh. ..a bit of a body.
I'm glad you wrapped it up.Copy !req
718. Let's wrap that back up.
Wrap that back up, like that.Copy !req
719. Let's swaddle.Copy !req
720. Well, a limbless potato baby
and a dead dog.Copy !req
721. Oh, I'm feeling lovely
and sleepy already.Copy !req
722. "Can you harmonise?"Copy !req
723. “No, but I can certainly think
of some dog species that rhyme."Copy !req
724. With that, the new Lennon
and McCartney were born.Copy !req
725. Thank you very much.Copy !req
726. Performing a lullaby
for a dog walker,Copy !req
727. it's Frankie B and Ivo G.Copy !req
728. ♪ It's a long day
walking with a LabradorCopy !req
729. What a kind reaction.Copy !req
730. Yep, within four lines,
something was euthanised.Copy !req
731. And were you playing percussion
on a dog mess bag?Copy !req
732. Yep. Nice touch.Copy !req
733. And then right at the end,
Ivo referenced group sex.Copy !req
734. It's the most horrific lullaby.Copy !req
735. It seems like an attack
on dog walkers.Copy !req
736. But if don't tune in,
it is soporific, I think.Copy !req
737. It was soporific, yeah.Copy !req
738. I was hoping for a bridge.Copy !req
739. I'd have jumped off anything
by the end of that.Copy !req
740. Right, we're going to stop again
with just one part to goCopy !req
741. before our winner is crowned.Copy !req
742. But before the break,
I just want to give you this, Alex.Copy !req
743. Oh.Copy !req
744. I'm really looking forward to it.Copy !req
745. It's the greatest day of my life!
Aw!Copy !req
746. Hello,Copy !req
747. and welcome back to our grand final!Copy !req
748. I can't believe it's nearly over.
I need soothing, Alex.Copy !req
749. Well, then,
I've got good news, by big baby boy,Copy !req
750. because I have a soothing lullaby
for you all good to go.Copy !req
751. It's Jenny, Kiell, and Mae
with their song Baby Artist.Copy !req
752. MAE PLAYS SOOTHING MELODY, SNORINGCopy !req
753. ♪ Sleep, baby artistCopy !req
754. MAE BURPSCopy !req
755. SNORINGCopy !req
756. I didn't see how Jenny closedCopy !req
757. the eyes of the baby like that
at the end.Copy !req
758. That was... That was horrible.Copy !req
759. When Jenny started
randomly listing colours,Copy !req
760. I swear I saw that baby's eyes
pop open.Copy !req
761. Its head span.Copy !req
762. She's very much
the Bez in the group.Copy !req
763. Which one was most soothing, Greg?Copy !req
764. I mean there wasn't much in it,
if I'm honest.Copy !req
765. What, you think they were the same?Copy !req
766. I'm judging it on
what was the most soporific,Copy !req
767. what would make me go to sleep,Copy !req
768. and I think that the group of threeCopy !req
769. may only just clinch it,Copy !req
770. and that's only because
every now and again,Copy !req
771. I might come out of my lovely slumberCopy !req
772. to hear something's being murdered.Copy !req
773. OK, so, we're giving five points
to the team of three, are we?Copy !req
774. Yeah, but I'm giving them four.
Well, there we go.Copy !req
775. Four points for the team of two,
five for the team of three. Yeah.Copy !req
776. Well done. Well done, you.Copy !req
777. OK, everyone, for the last time,Copy !req
778. please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!Copy !req
779. Welcome.Copy !req
780. Hi, Greg. Hello, mate.Copy !req
781. Got my whistle and my iPad.
I'm happy.Copy !req
782. Yes. The final-final task.
Are you excited?Copy !req
783. I'm so excited about this one.Copy !req
784. And who's going to read it out?Copy !req
785. Jenny Eclair. Ahh.Copy !req
786. This is such an honour.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
787. "Convince the Taskmaster
that your feet are not in iceCopy !req
788. "when they are in iceCopy !req
789. "or that your feet aren't in ice
when they are in ice.Copy !req
790. "You must keep your feet either
in ice or not in iceCopy !req
791. "for 30 seconds before
the Taskmaster makes his judgment.Copy !req
792. "If the Taskmaster is correct,
you are disqualified.Copy !req
793. "Last player standing wins."Copy !req
794. Yeah, so, just to explain,
there is ice in their boxes.Copy !req
795. There's little trays of ice.Copy !req
796. You're going to have 30 secondsCopy !req
797. to either get in it
or not get in it.Copy !req
798. Greg will be watching you,Copy !req
799. so you can do whatever you want
within that boxCopy !req
800. to convince him you are not
what you are.Copy !req
801. OK, everyone ready?Copy !req
802. Yes. Mm.
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
803. He's just... Wait.Copy !req
804. You've got...Copy !req
805. You've got 15 seconds
if you want to change your minds.Copy !req
806. Ah! Oh! Ah!Copy !req
807. OK, now stay put for 30 seconds.
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
808. Greg, examine.Copy !req
809. Oh!Copy !req
810. I take it your feet are really
ice-cold, are they, Jenny?Copy !req
811. You might think that.Copy !req
812. Or are they? Oh! Hmm.Copy !req
813. I don't think...Copy !req
814. They're all...Copy !req
815. They're all trying
to make out they're in ice.Copy !req
816. WHISTLE BLOWS
Well, that's your 30 seconds up,Copy !req
817. so we're going to go down the line.
Ready?Copy !req
818. Ready. Frankie.Copy !req
819. Ice.Copy !req
820. It is ice.Copy !req
821. We've lost Frankie.Copy !req
822. Aw!Copy !req
823. Ivo Graham.Copy !req
824. Not ice.Copy !req
825. A bad actor.Copy !req
826. We've lost Ivo.Copy !req
827. Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
828. Not ice.Copy !req
829. Mwah-ha-ha! Oh! Ice!Copy !req
830. Kiell.Copy !req
831. Not ice.Copy !req
832. We've lost another one.
This might be Jenny's game.Copy !req
833. Ooh!Copy !req
834. It's my skill, at last!Copy !req
835. Mae Martin.Copy !req
836. Not ice!Copy !req
837. We have a winner.Copy !req
838. Am I the winner? It's Jenny Eclair!Copy !req
839. How did that happen?Copy !req
840. What a climax to the final.Copy !req
841. Please come down and we'll see
how it's affected the final scores.Copy !req
842. Join me.Copy !req
843. What an ending.Copy !req
844. It's the way
we always wanted it to end.Copy !req
845. With only Jenny Eclair fooling you,Copy !req
846. which means that Jenny Eclair
gets the full five points.Copy !req
847. It does mean something's happened
to the scoreboard.Copy !req
848. Is there a cat amongst the pigeons?Copy !req
849. There's two cats
amongst the pigeons.Copy !req
850. If we look at the top,Copy !req
851. with 18 points,
we have Mae Martin and Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
852. No!Copy !req
853. I proclaim a tie-break.Copy !req
854. Yes, it's the first of the series.Copy !req
855. Simple task - scream the loudest
with your mouth closed.Copy !req
856. And here's how they both got on.Copy !req
857. Right. Silently screaming, OK.Copy !req
858. Well not silently, ideally,
but mouth shut.Copy !req
859. No, I... Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.Copy !req
860. Yes, Mae Martin's
closed-mouth screamCopy !req
861. registered 98.4 decibels,Copy !req
862. whereas Jenny's was 114.7 decibels,Copy !req
863. which means that Jenny
is the winner!Copy !req
864. There it is!Copy !req
865. Jenny Eclair wins the episode!Copy !req
866. Please go and grab
all your Greggy goodies.Copy !req
867. Here we are again,Copy !req
868. the bitter-sweet celebration
that is the end of a series,Copy !req
869. a new champion
just moments from glory.Copy !req
870. Damn, they fought hard,Copy !req
871. and for one of them,
their tenacious taskingCopy !req
872. was actually worthwhile.Copy !req
873. So, please, allow me to beckon forth
my faithful lapdogCopy !req
874. to prove his reason for being.Copy !req
875. Little Alex Horne,Copy !req
876. pray tell, what are the final scores?Copy !req
877. In fifth place,
it's Ivo with 131 points.Copy !req
878. Yay!Copy !req
879. The next three are all in the 150s.Copy !req
880. We've got Frankie Boyle
on 150 points.Copy !req
881. With 152 points, suddenly in third,
it's Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
882. And just above them,
with 158 points,Copy !req
883. it's Kiell Smith-Bynoe.Copy !req
884. The winner has been up there
for quite a while now.Copy !req
885. They've got 174 points.
Ooh!Copy !req
886. Over to you, Greg.Copy !req
887. Whoa.Copy !req
888. Our new Taskmaster Champion is...Copy !req
889. Mae Martin!Copy !req
890. Here you go, Mae. Well done.
Well done.Copy !req