1. Brace, brace!Copy !req
2. I'm bracing!Copy !req
3. Hmm!Copy !req
4. This program me contains
strong language and adult humourCopy !req
5. No, no, no, no!Copy !req
6. No!Copy !req
7. Ahh!Copy !req
8. What?Copy !req
9. Hello! Yes!Copy !req
10. Yes, it is!Copy !req
11. It's the Taskmaster grand final!Copy !req
12. Welcome to you all.Copy !req
13. I'm Greg Davies,Copy !req
14. and I'm here to lead you through
this magnificent final hour.Copy !req
15. What does it take
to become a champion?Copy !req
16. Well, if you want the most prized
trophy in television,Copy !req
17. you need to tap into your own soul,Copy !req
18. you need an energy source
that hithertoCopy !req
19. you may only have been
vaguely aware of.Copy !req
20. Each of these people,
if they really want it,Copy !req
21. will have to meet whatever
their own version of God might be.Copy !req
22. Or - and I mean this -Copy !req
23. I'll fix it for 15 grand.Copy !req
24. Anyone who pays 15 grand
into my account can win it.Copy !req
25. I don't care. Why would I care?Copy !req
26. So, here they are.Copy !req
27. For the last time, please welcomeCopy !req
28. your five fearless fighters,
Frankie Boyle...Copy !req
29. Ivo Graham...Copy !req
30. Jenny Eclair...Copy !req
31. Kiell Smith-Bynoe...Copy !req
32. and Mae Martin.Copy !req
33. And next to me,Copy !req
34. a man who told me
that as a young personCopy !req
35. he used to practise kissingCopy !req
36. on his grandfather's pet carp
Mr Suckles.Copy !req
37. It's Little Alex Horne!Copy !req
38. Hello, everyone.
It's the final, Greg.Copy !req
39. It's the final. It's the final.
I'm going to miss you, Greg.Copy !req
40. Are you?
Yes, I like sitting next to you.Copy !req
41. What's this then?Copy !req
42. Well, I was wondering if you wanted
to come to my birthday party.Copy !req
43. You're going to be
the first person I invited.Copy !req
44. Aw!Copy !req
45. That is a lovely way
to start the grand final.Copy !req
46. Great.Copy !req
47. "Alex is turning 50."
It's in six years.Copy !req
48. "Alex would like the pleasure of
Greg's company at my 50th birthday.Copy !req
49. "Dress code, naughty but nice.Copy !req
50. "Arrival, 3.30pm.Copy !req
51. "Carriages, 4.30am."
It's just you and me. Um...Copy !req
52. "Venue TBC." Probably a farm.Copy !req
53. And then you just tear off that bit
and return it if you're coming.Copy !req
54. It's an RSVP slip on the bottom.Copy !req
55. Right, let's get on with the
show, shall we? OK. LAUGHTERCopy !req
56. What have we got for the final
prize task of the show, Alex?Copy !req
57. It's a real money-spinner, Greg,Copy !req
58. because you've asked them
to bring inCopy !req
59. the best Greg Davies merchandiseCopy !req
60. that isn't on the market
but should be on the market.Copy !req
61. Of course, there's already
a lot of great stuff out there -Copy !req
62. enough to make quite
an alarming shrine, let me tell you.Copy !req
63. But Greg's going to judge
his favourite one,Copy !req
64. and then the lucky episode winner
will win a lotCopy !req
65. of Greg Davies merchandise,Copy !req
66. which I can drop round to them
at a later date.Copy !req
67. Well, Mae Martin. Hi.Copy !req
68. Have you got some good
me merchandise?Copy !req
69. Yeah. Um, my... my dad was involved.Copy !req
70. How was your dad involved?Copy !req
71. Basically, in lockdown,
he kind of became like Geppetto,Copy !req
72. so he and I together designed
a Greg Davies puppet.Copy !req
73. Yeah, this is what Mr Martin made.Copy !req
74. I really want to show you.
Should be on the market, Greg.Copy !req
75. Oh-ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
76. OK, the mouth opens,Copy !req
77. and also it says one
of your famous catchphrases,Copy !req
78. if you press a button. OK.Copy !req
79. I'm so full of hate!Copy !req
80. Oh, thank you, Mae.Copy !req
81. Oh, God.Copy !req
82. It looks like Lord Sugar.Copy !req
83. What, the 75-year-old tycoon?Copy !req
84. Yes. It does.Copy !req
85. It's absolutely incredible.
Is your dad a carpenter?Copy !req
86. No. Well, how has he made you?Copy !req
87. Huh? I don't think he likes me.Copy !req
88. He doesn't like you. Ah!Copy !req
89. And there's two of us now!Copy !req
90. I'm coming
to your shit party in six years!Copy !req
91. I'm going to do a poo on the carpet.Copy !req
92. He's a monster.Copy !req
93. He's horrible.Copy !req
94. Yeah. He is horrible!Copy !req
95. Well, this is going
to take some beating.Copy !req
96. Thank you, Mae.
He's absolutely amazing.Copy !req
97. I'm so full of hate! LAUGHTERCopy !req
98. That is a strong start.Copy !req
99. That's a high bar, isn't it?
That's really annoying, actually.Copy !req
100. Yeah.Copy !req
101. Very good. Ivo.Copy !req
102. Um, Greg, I've actually been
a fan of your workCopy !req
103. since before this show
even came into existence.Copy !req
104. In 2010 at the Edinburgh Fringe,
I watched your debut show.Copy !req
105. What was that show called, Greg?Copy !req
106. It was called
Firing Cheeseballs At A Dog, Ivo.Copy !req
107. Let's look at what the prize is.Copy !req
108. It's this.Copy !req
109. It's your very own Greg Davies
cheese ball catapult.Copy !req
110. Take that, damn pooch!Copy !req
111. That's lovely.Copy !req
112. And even though
it's less and less acceptableCopy !req
113. to fire snacks
into the faces of dogs...Copy !req
114. I hate this woke shit.Copy !req
115. Yeah.Copy !req
116. I mean, one of a dog's jobs
is to catch snacks, surely?Copy !req
117. Why can't they catch them
at velocity?Copy !req
118. I think it's delightful.Copy !req
119. OK. Jenny.Copy !req
120. OK, Greg,Copy !req
121. for you, I had commissioned
a coffee stencil, and I thought,Copy !req
122. oh, just buying a coffee
with your face on it...Copy !req
123. And maybe if you got together
with that cafe placeCopy !req
124. that has the same name as you,Copy !req
125. and then you could have
a Gregg's Greg coffee...Copy !req
126. Yeah, I mean...Copy !req
127. and then you could give
some of the money to charity.Copy !req
128. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
129. There's a lot relying
on this picture, I feel.Copy !req
130. Yeah, yeah.
This is what... Let's have a look.Copy !req
131. But wait for the magic.Copy !req
132. That's the before,
and this is the coffee.Copy !req
133. Why do I suddenly feel like chicken?Copy !req
134. It's not bad at all, Jenny.Copy !req
135. Kiell, you all right?Copy !req
136. Well, I think as much
as people would likeCopy !req
137. to have, like, bits
and pieces to play with,Copy !req
138. I think it's much more fun
to be you.Copy !req
139. Oh, it is not.Copy !req
140. But keep talking.Copy !req
141. Well, when you last felt like that,Copy !req
142. you might've wanted something
like this.Copy !req
143. Have a look.Copy !req
144. It's a Greg Davies morph suit.Copy !req
145. It's so awful.Copy !req
146. I think if this goes on sale,Copy !req
147. I'm going to be arrested
for multiple attacks on people.Copy !req
148. Wow. Thanks, Kiell.Copy !req
149. That's all right. Hi, Frankie.Copy !req
150. Do you know how we're bothCopy !req
151. essentially trembling
on the brink of death?Copy !req
152. With every morning,Copy !req
153. I cannot believe I see the sun again.Copy !req
154. And the real...Copy !req
155. The real test of the ageing process
is the beanbag.Copy !req
156. Once you have to commando roll
out of a beanbag...Copy !req
157. Yeah. .. that's a sign
it's pretty much game over.Copy !req
158. So, what I've developed isCopy !req
159. a euthaniser beanbag...Copy !req
160. that if you sit in it
for more than an hour,Copy !req
161. it folds itself round you
and euthanises you...Copy !req
162. and then zips itself up
like a body bag.Copy !req
163. Yeah, so,
this is Frankie's Greg Davies merch.Copy !req
164. So, it's just got Greg Davies
written...?Copy !req
165. Yes.Copy !req
166. After a while, this would happen.Copy !req
167. You would start
to be subsumed by the beanbag.Copy !req
168. And then... And then...Copy !req
169. he's gone.Copy !req
170. mercy is delivered.Copy !req
171. So, it's a beanbag that determines...Copy !req
172. Whether you live or die.Copy !req
173. OK.Copy !req
174. We've been on a journey.
Who has won the journey?Copy !req
175. Well... Hmm. .. and this is
going to surprise you -Copy !req
176. not Frankie.Copy !req
177. I don't want the Greg Davies
death beanbag to be on the market.Copy !req
178. So, is it one point to Frankie?Copy !req
179. One point. Yes.Copy !req
180. Kiel, two points.Copy !req
181. You're joking. Yeah.Copy !req
182. Oh, it's better than yours.Copy !req
183. Mine was better than yours,
simple as that.Copy !req
184. OK, two points to Kiell.Copy !req
185. Jenny gets three points.Copy !req
186. I sort of don't want to give...Copy !req
187. .. that horrible thing five points,Copy !req
188. but I have to acknowledge
the amount of workCopy !req
189. that's gone into it.Copy !req
190. And you are talking
about the puppet, not Mae.Copy !req
191. Yeah.Copy !req
192. So, I'm going to give Ivo
four points.Copy !req
193. You stuck a sticker
of Greg's face on a catapult...Copy !req
194. and that's better
than my high-concept death bag?Copy !req
195. Ivo's admittedly cheapCopy !req
196. but well-researched catapult
gets four.Copy !req
197. OK.
And my animated corpse gets five.Copy !req
198. Well done, Mae Martin. Five points.Copy !req
199. Right, let's have the first
proper task of the final.Copy !req
200. Gotcha, and I hope you find
this one deeply fulfilling.Copy !req
201. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
202. Mae.Copy !req
203. Alex.Copy !req
204. Remember me?Copy !req
205. How could I forget?Copy !req
206. Everything all right with you?Copy !req
207. Yeah, pretty good. Can't complain.Copy !req
208. No. But I do.Copy !req
209. "Fill the glass up to the line
from the furthest distance."Copy !req
210. “If you use a hose
and someone else uses a hose,Copy !req
211. "both hose users are disqualified."Copy !req
212. Will somebody have used the hose?Copy !req
213. Because there's the danger
of being disqualified.Copy !req
214. "Furthest distance between
contestant and pint glassCopy !req
215. "while filling wins."Copy !req
216. "You have a maximum of 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
217. Surely, why doesn't it just say,Copy !req
218. “If you use the hose,
you'll be disqualified,Copy !req
219. or, "You must not use the hose"?Copy !req
220. Who else is going to use the hose
with me?Copy !req
221. So, in Taskmaster,
it's you against four other people.Copy !req
222. Yeah.Copy !req
223. And if one of them
also uses a hose...Copy !req
224. Yeah.
.. then you'll both be disqualified.Copy !req
225. Ahh!Copy !req
226. Now you've suggested it,Copy !req
227. we're all locked in
a complex game of quadruple bluff.Copy !req
228. Well, we're not going
to get a better introCopy !req
229. to this whole task than the quote,Copy !req
230. "Now the hose has been mentioned,Copy !req
231. "we're all locked
in a game of quadruple bluff."Copy !req
232. It's a sort of classic
Taskmaster task.Copy !req
233. First up, Ivo,
Jenny, Frankie, and Mae.Copy !req
234. I think Kiell's going
to use the hose.Copy !req
235. I'm convinced
he's going to go, "Nah."Copy !req
236. That's my impersonation of him -
"Nah, I'm using the hose."Copy !req
237. I think I can win
this task hose-free.Copy !req
238. I think it might be down to pipes.Copy !req
239. Where's the glass?Copy !req
240. Glass is in the bath.Copy !req
241. Ah.Copy !req
242. It's not full.Copy !req
243. Nah. Nah, nah, nah.Copy !req
244. You've got five minutes, Ivo.Copy !req
245. Not even on the string yet.Copy !req
246. Right, so that's just going
to fill that glass, is it? Yeah.Copy !req
247. I'm pretty confident,Copy !req
248. but I'm just going to get
out of the way of it slightly.Copy !req
249. Yeah. I'd... I'd like to do that.Copy !req
250. That's what I need to do.Copy !req
251. I need, um, tubes,
cos that's not working.Copy !req
252. I've never tied a glass
to a piece of string before.Copy !req
253. You haven't got that long, Ivo.Copy !req
254. How confident are you
in your system?Copy !req
255. I think it's very flawed. OK.Copy !req
256. I bet no other bastard
used that hose.Copy !req
257. OK, now I'm going to get
a big jug of water...Copy !req
258. Yeah.Copy !req
259. and it's going to flow.Copy !req
260. Can't see what's going to go wrong.Copy !req
261. There was sarcasm.Copy !req
262. Yeah. Yeah. A lot.Copy !req
263. I have another idea.Copy !req
264. Oh, good.Copy !req
265. Has it come out the other end, Alex?Copy !req
266. No.Copy !req
267. I have a theory. Ah.Copy !req
268. Perhaps some bubbles
will deaden the fall.Copy !req
269. Right. You've got three minutes.Copy !req
270. Someone's going to use the hose,
and the hose is long.Copy !req
271. Oh, the hose is long, yeah.Copy !req
272. OK, we'll start that again there.Copy !req
273. It's filling.Copy !req
274. Jenny, I've logged that distance.Copy !req
275. You still have five minutes if
you wanted to have a second attempt.Copy !req
276. OK. I'd like a balloon
of water and a dart.Copy !req
277. What have I got,
a couple of minutes?Copy !req
278. Yeah. You've got one minute
and a half, Frankie.Copy !req
279. I'm going to lob the glass.Copy !req
280. It'll be cushioned by the bubbles.Copy !req
281. It will fill up with water...Copy !req
282. and, uh,
I'll have completed the task.Copy !req
283. Thank you for being
my assistant, Alex.Copy !req
284. All or nothing.Copy !req
285. That wasn't an encouraging noise.Copy !req
286. No, it didn't sound great, but...Copy !req
287. Could've been some
bubbles bursting.Copy !req
288. You've got four seconds.Copy !req
289. Three, two, one.Copy !req
290. We lost a bit.
We lost a bit on entry.Copy !req
291. Aw!Copy !req
292. Watch your eyes.Copy !req
293. It's not to the line
and you've got one more balloon.Copy !req
294. OK.Copy !req
295. Oh!Copy !req
296. Did it say over the line?Copy !req
297. As long as it's to the line.Copy !req
298. It's to the line. You done?Copy !req
299. Thanks, Mae.Copy !req
300. Now, Jenny, you've got one minute.
OK.Copy !req
301. So close.Copy !req
302. Ooh!Copy !req
303. It's over the line.Copy !req
304. OK. Thank you, everyone.Copy !req
305. That was great, Jenny.Copy !req
306. It was probably the best thingCopy !req
307. you've done on the whole series,
I feel.Copy !req
308. Honestly, it was possibly one
of the coolest thingsCopy !req
309. I've ever done in my life.Copy !req
310. It was so cool,
and you filled it twice, so...Copy !req
311. Yeah, doubler. Doubler.
It was a doubler, yeah.Copy !req
312. Write that down.
Oh, I have written it down. Doubler.Copy !req
313. Do you want me to write it down
again? Doubler! I'll double it.Copy !req
314. 3.8 metres - half a London bus.Copy !req
315. OK. Well done. Thank you.Copy !req
316. Mae, was it genuinely your intentionCopy !req
317. to just throw a pint of water
in the air...Copy !req
318. and hope that it all landed
in a glass?Copy !req
319. Yeah.Copy !req
320. I think in my head I was a cartoon,Copy !req
321. and it would be like... Blahhh!
Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
322. You did manage to get 8.10 metres -
the same as a London bus.Copy !req
323. Well done, Mae. Exactly? Well done.Copy !req
324. Exactly. Exactly.Copy !req
325. Frankie, I thought the initial thing,
you put some thought into...Copy !req
326. Yeah.Copy !req
327. but when I saw you
just tossing Fairy LiquidCopy !req
328. into a bath...Copy !req
329. You thought, "I'm going to burn
this whole task to the ground.”Copy !req
330. I thought it might work.Copy !req
331. Uh, I still think
it might have worked,Copy !req
332. because all the glass was submerged.Copy !req
333. It was broken but it was submerged,Copy !req
334. so, in a way, the water
was over the line.Copy !req
335. Doesn't... Doesn't say that
you don't have to break the glass.Copy !req
336. I mean, it wasn't full,
but it was covered in water.Copy !req
337. It was fuller,Copy !req
338. because it was covered
in water on both sides.Copy !req
339. Onto Ivo's cascading roller-coaster.Copy !req
340. Hmm. From the very beginning,Copy !req
341. it looked like a sure-fire edition
to your list of failures, I thought,Copy !req
342. but, in fact, a partial success.Copy !req
343. Yeah, the system worked,Copy !req
344. but he was let down cos he didn't
put enough water in the glass.Copy !req
345. And was he a good distance
from there? He was.Copy !req
346. He was about two and a bit
London buses, 18.30 metres.Copy !req
347. Ooh, that's good. Yeah.Copy !req
348. Frankie was two thirds
of a London bus, 5.40 metres.Copy !req
349. But the outside of your glass,
dry as a bone.Copy !req
350. Break time now, and as
an inspiration for our competitors,Copy !req
351. I've been training Alex
to fart Land Of Hope And Glory.Copy !req
352. So, please, Alex, take it away.Copy !req
353. Ahh, no, Daddy! It's whoops!Copy !req
354. Hello! Welcome back.Copy !req
355. It's great to have you here
for this almighty final.Copy !req
356. And it's time to see whether Kiell
did opt for the hose optionCopy !req
357. in the glass-filling task.Copy !req
358. I feel like no-one else
is going to use the hose.Copy !req
359. Even though you might get
disqualifiedCopy !req
360. if someone else uses the hose?Copy !req
361. No risk, no reward.Copy !req
362. Is that true?Copy !req
363. I don't know.Copy !req
364. Right, if I'm someone else
and I've read that...Copy !req
365. Who are you pretending to be?Copy !req
366. Mae.Copy !req
367. And what are they doing?Copy !req
368. I'm not going
to use the hose. It's too scary.Copy !req
369. So, I'd quite like you
to be Frankie now.Copy !req
370. I think
that the hose should be left alone.Copy !req
371. Uh, I'll do the rest
just cause I'm here. Yeah, lvo.Copy !req
372. Hose? Uh...
Uh, no. I don't think so. Uh...Copy !req
373. Well, maybe... Uh, no.
I'm not going to use the hose.Copy !req
374. Mm-hm. And then Jenny.Copy !req
375. Uh, Jenny.Copy !req
376. Where is the hose?
Where is it?Copy !req
377. I can't be bothered with it.
I've changed my mind.Copy !req
378. Right, are you going
to use the hose then? Yes.Copy !req
379. Nobody else is going to do this.Copy !req
380. No way, hose-y.Copy !req
381. Oh, shit!Copy !req
382. Oh, my God.Copy !req
383. Ahh! Make it stop! The children!Copy !req
384. On, please.Copy !req
385. Hose on!Copy !req
386. Come on. Yeah.Copy !req
387. Is it doing it?Copy !req
388. Doesn't look like it is.Copy !req
389. Is there anything in that cup?Copy !req
390. You've got to be kidding me.Copy !req
391. I might need to get closer.Copy !req
392. I will move the measuring gnome.Copy !req
393. I thought this was going
to be really easy.Copy !req
394. Come on.Copy !req
395. That's nowhere near it.Copy !req
396. 45 seconds left.Copy !req
397. Shit!Copy !req
398. Ahh!Copy !req
399. Oh, boy.Copy !req
400. Please turn the hose off.Copy !req
401. What a drama.Copy !req
402. Oh... Yeah.Copy !req
403. We certainly couldn't have predicted
a grown man shouting at water,Copy !req
404. "Go in the glass, bruv."Copy !req
405. I thought it was going
to be so easy.Copy !req
406. You made the hose sound
like it was, like, the dream.Copy !req
407. That's what he does -
he lures people in.Copy !req
408. No, it is... it is the dream.
Did you just watch that?Copy !req
409. I think I'm not
the only one here thinking,Copy !req
410. "Put the end of the hose
in the glass,Copy !req
411. "make it as long as possible,Copy !req
412. "go to the tap..."Copy !req
413. ".. turn the tap on.”Copy !req
414. Oh, dear.Copy !req
415. You were 8.5 metres away.Copy !req
416. I mean, bear in mind,
Ivo was 18 metres away.Copy !req
417. Please stop using me as
a yardstick for failure.Copy !req
418. That could be your merchandise.Copy !req
419. A yardstick for failure?Copy !req
420. Oh, dear, dear.Copy !req
421. No points to Kiell, amazingly.
No points to Ivo.Copy !req
422. No points, probably, to Frankie -
that's up to you.Copy !req
423. Come on.Copy !req
424. I'm not giving Frankie a pointCopy !req
425. for having water outside
the broken glass.Copy !req
426. That's very creative, but come on.Copy !req
427. No to Frankie,Copy !req
428. which means it's four
to Jenny with the dartsCopy !req
429. and solid tube technique,
and five to Mae Martin.Copy !req
430. Ah!Copy !req
431. Very good.Copy !req
432. Can we see what's happening
on the scoreboard, please?Copy !req
433. Yes.Copy !req
434. We have Frankie on one point,
and at the other end of the table,Copy !req
435. Mae Martin has a full ten points.Copy !req
436. Right, what's next?Copy !req
437. Ooh. Thank goodness.Copy !req
438. It's chess o'clock.Copy !req
439. Oh, dear. Mm. I know.Copy !req
440. I see.Copy !req
441. What's so funny?Copy !req
442. Uh, most of the things,
but I'll start with the Vaseline.Copy !req
443. This...Copy !req
444. sinister implications.Copy !req
445. Ooh.Copy !req
446. "Do what Alex does immediately
after Alex does itCopy !req
447. "in exactly
the same time as Alex does it."Copy !req
448. "You must press your button
when you're satisfiedCopy !req
449. "you have done what Alex has done."Copy !req
450. "If you do not complete
an activity,Copy !req
451. "ten seconds will be
added to your time."Copy !req
452. "Closest to the same
total time wins."Copy !req
453. "The time starts
when Alex presses his button.”Copy !req
454. We haven't started yet. Yep.Copy !req
455. So, we take turns, yes?Copy !req
456. We're playing chess. Oh.Copy !req
457. This clock... Yeah.
.. will tell you what time...Copy !req
458. Is there any point
me looking at that? No. No.Copy !req
459. OK, so, it's a sort of copycat chess.Copy !req
460. Exactly that.Copy !req
461. I just want to point out
that Jenny's version of "hello"Copy !req
462. has morphed across this seriesCopy !req
463. to be almost always something along
the lines of, "Oh, no."Copy !req
464. "Oh, dear."Copy !req
465. I think something horrible happens.Copy !req
466. Yes, it does.Copy !req
467. All right, then. It's intense.Copy !req
468. Forget Kasparov versus Deep Blue.Copy !req
469. This is Kiell and Mae
versus Deep Horne.Copy !req
470. Argh.Copy !req
471. Good luck, Mae. Thank you.Copy !req
472. Good luck, Kiell.Copy !req
473. Good luck, Alex.Copy !req
474. I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
475. Quite slow.Copy !req
476. I'm now going to sharpen a pencil.Copy !req
477. I'm going to sharpen a pencil.Copy !req
478. I'm going to have 40 winks.Copy !req
479. I'm now going to do some maths.Copy !req
480. Oh, Christ.Copy !req
481. I'm going to do some maths.Copy !req
482. Should've sharpened
this pencil properly.Copy !req
483. Uh, pfft!Copy !req
484. I don't remember how to do this.Copy !req
485. I did some.Copy !req
486. I'm now going to put
five rubber bands on my face.Copy !req
487. You avoided your eyes.Copy !req
488. Yeah.Copy !req
489. Yeah, smart.Copy !req
490. I'm going to open the box.Copy !req
491. How can I open the box?Copy !req
492. Well, you need the code.Copy !req
493. Where's the code?Copy !req
494. I don't know the code.Copy !req
495. You should have
a four-digit number, Mae.Copy !req
496. Should 17Copy !req
497. Could you just hold this for a sec?Copy !req
498. I'm going to inflate
an entire balloon.Copy !req
499. I'm now going to put my
banana skin in the Vaseline pot.Copy !req
500. OK.Copy !req
501. I'm going to make a dog.Copy !req
502. Oh, my God.Copy !req
503. I'm going to use this to tie that.Copy !req
504. There. It lives.Copy !req
505. It's got short back legs.Copy !req
506. I'm going to pop my dog.Copy !req
507. Yeah.Copy !req
508. We're finished.Copy !req
509. Thank you, Alex. Good game.Copy !req
510. Kiell, why did you take
so long with that banana?Copy !req
511. I like to enjoy my meals.Copy !req
512. Interesting.
And sinister for some reason.Copy !req
513. Well, they both did pretty well.Copy !req
514. Kiell was three minutes
five seconds slower than me.Copy !req
515. Mae, who has been very good
at Taskmaster throughout Taskmaster,Copy !req
516. two minutes and eight seconds
slower than me,Copy !req
517. which is pretty impressive.Copy !req
518. Next, here's a very Jenny attempt
by Jenny.Copy !req
519. Oh, God.Copy !req
520. Yes, are you ready, Jenny?
Yeah, I'm ready, Alex.Copy !req
521. Here we go.Copy !req
522. I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
523. I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
524. This is my fifth banana today.Copy !req
525. OK. All right.
I've finished that banana.Copy !req
526. I'm going to sharpen my pencil. Mm.Copy !req
527. Shall I do your face as well?Copy !req
528. Is that what I did? Yeah.Copy !req
529. Oh.Copy !req
530. I'm going to do some maths.Copy !req
531. I'm going to do some maths.Copy !req
532. Eight eights are 56.Copy !req
533. Carry five.Copy !req
534. It takes...Copy !req
535. I know an easier way.Copy !req
536. Instantly face-lifted.Copy !req
537. Maybe I should've done it like that.Copy !req
538. I'm going to open the box.Copy !req
539. Well, I'm going to open the box.
OK.Copy !req
540. I've done the fucking sum wrong.Copy !req
541. I've done the fucking sum wrong,
haven't I?Copy !req
542. OK, give me a minute. OK.Copy !req
543. 469... Eight sixes...Copy !req
544. Yeah.Copy !req
545. It's like the worst
birthday party ever!Copy !req
546. I'm going to put my banana skin
in my Vaseline pot.Copy !req
547. You fucking weird freak.Copy !req
548. Oh, Alex, it's really good.
There he is.Copy !req
549. BALLOON POPS, SHE LAUGHSCopy !req
550. It's curled up in its basket.Copy !req
551. Yeah. I'm going to pop my dog.Copy !req
552. BALLOON POPS, SHE SHOUTSCopy !req
553. Why did you do that?Copy !req
554. I'm going to pop my dog.Copy !req
555. Ahh!Copy !req
556. And we're done.Copy !req
557. I'm going to go and take
some paracetamol for my face.Copy !req
558. OK. Thank you. Goodbye.Copy !req
559. I only understood the chess thingCopy !req
560. cos I'd seen that rather good drama
with... What's that girl called?Copy !req
561. Queen's... The Queen's Gambit.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
562. I've never seen anything
that's further removedCopy !req
563. from The Queen's Gambit.Copy !req
564. Your balloon dog
looked like intestines.Copy !req
565. I was amazed
that you hadn't shat yourselfCopy !req
566. because you'd had so many bananas.Copy !req
567. It was just very stressful
to watch, to be honest.Copy !req
568. Good. We're halfway
through the final.Copy !req
569. Before long,
one person will take homeCopy !req
570. some Greg Davies merchandise,Copy !req
571. and one person will take home
this Greg Davies trophy,Copy !req
572. but who will take home Greg Davies?Copy !req
573. Hello!Copy !req
574. Welcome back to the penultimate part
of this Taskmaster final.Copy !req
575. Alex, please
sit on the edge of your chair,Copy !req
576. recap the current task
like it's a half-time pep talkCopy !req
577. for a sports team.Copy !req
578. Ten little tasks,Copy !req
579. four minutes on the clock.Copy !req
580. Closest to those four minutes wins.Copy !req
581. Ivo, Frankie,
you're going to smash it!Copy !req
582. OK, ready? Let's go.Copy !req
583. OK, I'm just going to mirror you
in every way.Copy !req
584. In every way? Every way.Copy !req
585. Good luck.Copy !req
586. Here we go.Copy !req
587. I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
588. I'm going to eat a banana.Copy !req
589. Think I've got plenty of time.Copy !req
590. You seem to be quite a slow eater.Copy !req
591. It's like you were trying
to establish an alibi.Copy !req
592. I'm going to sharpen my pencil.Copy !req
593. I'm going to sharpen my pencil.Copy !req
594. You did that quickly and
with some bitterness behind it.Copy !req
595. I'm going to have 40 winks.Copy !req
596. I'm going to do some maths now.Copy !req
597. Ah.Copy !req
598. You can always take the hit
and press the button.Copy !req
599. OK, I'm going to put
five rubber bands on my face.Copy !req
600. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.Copy !req
601. what?Copy !req
602. Oh.Copy !req
603. Oh.Copy !req
604. Opened.Copy !req
605. All right.Copy !req
606. I'm going to put the banana skin
in the tub.Copy !req
607. I'm going to put the banana skin
in the tub.Copy !req
608. All the way in, please.Copy !req
609. TIMER BEEPS, BUZZERCopy !req
610. I feel this is the same dog
after it got run over.Copy !req
611. 'I stick it down with
the Vaseline. There we are.Copy !req
612. I'm going to pop the dog.Copy !req
613. We're finished.Copy !req
614. Ivo, do you think there was
something you did that might'veCopy !req
615. sabotaged your attempt a little?
Narrow it down.Copy !req
616. It was the moment where you blinded
yourself with the elastic bands.Copy !req
617. When I was on the, uh, train
about five hours after this task,Copy !req
618. someone on the train asked
if I'd been in an accident.Copy !req
619. It sort of looked like
an Ann Summers partyCopy !req
620. that'd gone wrong.Copy !req
621. You know, the balloons
and the Vaseline and all that.Copy !req
622. Yeah, or gone right. Or very...Copy !req
623. very right.Copy !req
624. Were you surprised whenCopy !req
625. Frankie stamped
all over the little box?Copy !req
626. I wasn't surprised at all.Copy !req
627. I'm not great
when I'm under pressure.Copy !req
628. Or when I'm not.Copy !req
629. But you were great
at this kind of thing.Copy !req
630. You got there one minute 32
after me.Copy !req
631. Ivo?Copy !req
632. Ivo had two ten-second penalties
cos he didn't open the box,Copy !req
633. so he didn't get the gloves,
and that was funny.Copy !req
634. And he also didn't make a dog
because of his moist, moist hands.Copy !req
635. So, Frankie, 1.32.
Ivo, 1.3... Is that...?5.Copy !req
636. Aw!
I'm sorry. But pretty good.Copy !req
637. Which means that Jenny...Copy !req
638. one point for
your eight minutes 50,Copy !req
639. Kiel, two points.Copy !req
640. Mae, three points.Copy !req
641. Ivo, four points.Copy !req
642. But Frankie Boyle gets five points!Copy !req
643. Can I have another one, please?Copy !req
644. You may, but it's the last one.Copy !req
645. Aw!Copy !req
646. I know. And then, bedtime.Copy !req
647. Hello, Frankie. Hello.Copy !req
648. Hello, Ivo. Hello, Alex.Copy !req
649. Ahh!Copy !req
650. I thought I stole this pen.Copy !req
651. The outside of the task says,Copy !req
652. "Write the name of
a profession in this hole,Copy !req
653. “then open the task."Copy !req
654. Hmm.
Plumber. Architect. That's smart.Copy !req
655. I'm trying to think what
the task is going to be.Copy !req
656. Let's write something
that's going to be easy.Copy !req
657. If we put "dog walker",Copy !req
658. we might at least
get to meet a dog.Copy !req
659. what about artist?Copy !req
660. Artist is good because... Yeah.
Cos it's a bit... Open-ended.Copy !req
661. open-ended. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah? Let's do artist. Yeah. Right.Copy !req
662. I'm writing "artist". Artist.Copy !req
663. So, you're counting dog walker
as a profession?Copy !req
664. Yeah, I don't want to...
I don't want to be too down on...Copy !req
665. Yeah. I mean, it's...Copy !req
666. If it's very rarely
in the drop-down menu, but...Copy !req
667. but nor is...
you know, nor is stand-up.Copy !req
668. OK. Fingers crossed.Copy !req
669. "Perform an original lullaby
for a dog walker."Copy !req
670. "Perform an original lullaby
for an artist."Copy !req
671. "Most soporific, profession-specific
lullaby wins.Copy !req
672. "You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
673. What sort of artist is this?Copy !req
674. Watercolours.Copy !req
675. We can go through
all the paint colours, can't we?Copy !req
676. Can we find a dog
that would fall asleep?Copy !req
677. Something that's really
on its last legs from the vet.Copy !req
678. You want to use
our allotted half hour...Copy !req
679. to seek out a nearly dead dog?Copy !req
680. Uh, "aquamarine” -
that's a good word.Copy !req
681. Can you harmonise?Copy !req
682. No, not really.Copy !req
683. But I can certainly think
of some dog species that rhyme.Copy !req
684. Look what I birthed, that's a baby.Copy !req
685. Looks at this little artist.Copy !req
686. There. I'll put a body
so it's got...Copy !req
687. Oh. ..a bit of a body.
I'm glad you wrapped it up.Copy !req
688. Let's wrap that back up.
Wrap that back up, like that.Copy !req
689. Let's swaddle.Copy !req
690. Well, a limbless potato baby
and a dead dog.Copy !req
691. Oh, I'm feeling lovely
and sleepy already.Copy !req
692. "Can you harmonise?"Copy !req
693. “No, but I can certainly think
of some dog species that rhyme."Copy !req
694. With that, the new Lennon
and McCartney were born.Copy !req
695. Thank you very much.Copy !req
696. Performing a lullaby
for a dog walker,Copy !req
697. it's Frankie B and Ivo G.Copy !req
698. ♪ It's a long day
walking with a LabradorCopy !req
699. What a kind reaction.Copy !req
700. Yep, within four lines,
something was euthanised.Copy !req
701. And were you playing percussion
on a dog mess bag?Copy !req
702. Yep. Nice touch.Copy !req
703. And then right at the end,
Ivo referenced group sex.Copy !req
704. It's the most horrific lullaby.Copy !req
705. It seems like an attack
on dog walkers.Copy !req
706. But if don't tune in,
it is soporific, I think.Copy !req
707. It was soporific, yeah.Copy !req
708. I was hoping for a bridge.Copy !req
709. I'd have jumped off anything
by the end of that.Copy !req
710. Right, we're going to stop again
with just one part to goCopy !req
711. before our winner is crowned.Copy !req
712. But before the break,
I just want to give you this, Alex.Copy !req
713. Oh.Copy !req
714. I'm really looking forward to it.Copy !req
715. It's the greatest day of my life!
Aw!Copy !req
716. Hello,Copy !req
717. and welcome back to our grand final!Copy !req
718. I can't believe it's nearly over.
I need soothing, Alex.Copy !req
719. Well, then,
I've got good news, by big baby boy,Copy !req
720. because I have a soothing lullaby
for you all good to go.Copy !req
721. It's Jenny, Kiell, and Mae
with their song Baby Artist.Copy !req
722. MAE PLAYS SOOTHING MELODY, SNORINGCopy !req
723. ♪ Sleep, baby artistCopy !req
724. I didn't see how Jenny closedCopy !req
725. the eyes of the baby like that
at the end.Copy !req
726. That was... That was horrible.Copy !req
727. When Jenny started
randomly listing colours,Copy !req
728. I swear I saw that baby's eyes
pop open.Copy !req
729. Its head span.Copy !req
730. She's very much
the Bez in the group.Copy !req
731. Which one was most soothing, Greg?Copy !req
732. I mean there wasn't much in it,
if I'm honest.Copy !req
733. What, you think they were the same?Copy !req
734. I'm judging it on
what was the most soporific,Copy !req
735. what would make me go to sleep,Copy !req
736. and I think that the group of threeCopy !req
737. may only just clinch it,Copy !req
738. and that's only because
every now and again,Copy !req
739. I might come out of my lovely slumberCopy !req
740. to hear something's being murdered.Copy !req
741. OK, so, we're giving five points
to the team of three, are we?Copy !req
742. Yeah, but I'm giving them four.
Well, there we go.Copy !req
743. Four points for the team of two,
five for the team of three. Yeah.Copy !req
744. Well done. Well done, you.Copy !req
745. OK, everyone, for the last time,Copy !req
746. please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!Copy !req
747. Welcome.Copy !req
748. Hi, Greg. Hello, mate.Copy !req
749. Got my whistle and my iPad.
I'm happy.Copy !req
750. Yes. The final-final task.
Are you excited?Copy !req
751. I'm so excited about this one.Copy !req
752. And who's going to read it out?Copy !req
753. Jenny Eclair. Ahh.Copy !req
754. This is such an honour.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
755. "Convince the Taskmaster
that your feet are not in iceCopy !req
756. "when they are in iceCopy !req
757. "or that your feet aren't in ice
when they are in ice.Copy !req
758. "You must keep your feet either
in ice or not in iceCopy !req
759. "for 30 seconds before
the Taskmaster makes his judgment.Copy !req
760. "If the Taskmaster is correct,
you are disqualified.Copy !req
761. "Last player standing wins."Copy !req
762. Yeah, so, just to explain,
there is ice in their boxes.Copy !req
763. There's little trays of ice.Copy !req
764. You're going to have 30 secondsCopy !req
765. to either get in it
or not get in it.Copy !req
766. Greg will be watching you,Copy !req
767. so you can do whatever you want
within that boxCopy !req
768. to convince him you are not
what you are.Copy !req
769. OK, everyone ready?Copy !req
770. Yes. Mm.Copy !req
771. He's just... Wait.Copy !req
772. You've got...Copy !req
773. You've got 15 seconds
if you want to change your minds.Copy !req
774. Ah! Oh! Ah!Copy !req
775. OK, now stay put for 30 seconds.Copy !req
776. Greg, examine.Copy !req
777. Oh!Copy !req
778. I take it your feet are really
ice-cold, are they, Jenny?Copy !req
779. You might think that.Copy !req
780. Or are they? Oh! Hmm.Copy !req
781. I don't think...Copy !req
782. They're all...Copy !req
783. They're all trying
to make out they're in ice.Copy !req
784. Well, that's your 30 seconds up,Copy !req
785. so we're going to go down the line.
Ready?Copy !req
786. Ready. Frankie.Copy !req
787. Ice.Copy !req
788. It is ice.Copy !req
789. We've lost Frankie.Copy !req
790. Aw!Copy !req
791. Ivo Graham.Copy !req
792. Not ice.Copy !req
793. A bad actor.Copy !req
794. We've lost Ivo.Copy !req
795. Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
796. Not ice.Copy !req
797. Mwah-ha-ha! Oh! Ice!Copy !req
798. Kiell.Copy !req
799. Not ice.Copy !req
800. We've lost another one.
This might be Jenny's game.Copy !req
801. Ooh!Copy !req
802. It's my skill, at last!Copy !req
803. Mae Martin.Copy !req
804. Not ice!Copy !req
805. We have a winner.Copy !req
806. Am I the winner? It's Jenny Eclair!Copy !req
807. How did that happen?Copy !req
808. What a climax to the final.Copy !req
809. Please come down and we'll see
how it's affected the final scores.Copy !req
810. Join me.Copy !req
811. What an ending.Copy !req
812. It's the way
we always wanted it to end.Copy !req
813. With only Jenny Eclair fooling you,Copy !req
814. which means that Jenny Eclair
gets the full five points.Copy !req
815. It does mean something's happened
to the scoreboard.Copy !req
816. Is there a cat amongst the pigeons?Copy !req
817. There's two cats
amongst the pigeons.Copy !req
818. If we look at the top,Copy !req
819. with 18 points,
we have Mae Martin and Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
820. No!Copy !req
821. I proclaim a tie-break.Copy !req
822. Yes, it's the first of the series.Copy !req
823. Simple task - scream the loudest
with your mouth closed.Copy !req
824. And here's how they both got on.Copy !req
825. Right. Silently screaming, OK.Copy !req
826. Well not silently, ideally,
but mouth shut.Copy !req
827. No, I... Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.Copy !req
828. Yes, Mae Martin's
closed-mouth screamCopy !req
829. registered 98.4 decibels,Copy !req
830. whereas Jenny's was 114.7 decibels,Copy !req
831. which means that Jenny
is the winner!Copy !req
832. There it is!Copy !req
833. Jenny Eclair wins the episode!Copy !req
834. Please go and grab
all your Greggy goodies.Copy !req
835. Here we are again,Copy !req
836. the bitter-sweet celebration
that is the end of a series,Copy !req
837. a new champion
just moments from glory.Copy !req
838. Damn, they fought hard,Copy !req
839. and for one of them,
their tenacious taskingCopy !req
840. was actually worthwhile.Copy !req
841. So, please, allow me to beckon forth
my faithful lapdogCopy !req
842. to prove his reason for being.Copy !req
843. Little Alex Horne,Copy !req
844. pray tell, what are the final scores?Copy !req
845. In fifth place,
it's Ivo with 131 points.Copy !req
846. Yay!Copy !req
847. The next three are all in the 150s.Copy !req
848. We've got Frankie Boyle
on 150 points.Copy !req
849. With 152 points, suddenly in third,
it's Jenny Eclair.Copy !req
850. And just above them,
with 158 points,Copy !req
851. it's Kiell Smith-Bynoe.Copy !req
852. The winner has been up there
for quite a while now.Copy !req
853. They've got 174 points.
Ooh!Copy !req
854. Over to you, Greg.Copy !req
855. Whoa.Copy !req
856. Our new Taskmaster Champion is...Copy !req
857. Mae Martin!Copy !req
858. Here you go, Mae. Well done.
Well done.Copy !req