Taskmaster 15x1

1. Brace, brace! I'm bracing.

2. This program me contains strong language and adult humour

3. Hm.

4. No, I10, I10, no, no!

5. No!

6. Ahh!

7. What?

8. Hello! Here we go again.

9. Welcome to Taskmaster.

10. I'm Greg Davies and I love the smell of a new series in the evening.

11. Five fresh competitors entering the arena,

12. their hair clone all fancy,

13. the light dancing off their new outfits, just nice.

14. But we all know that no amount of cosmetic tinkering can disguise

15. the fear that rips through their naive bodies.

16. "Ooh, maybe I won't be one

17. "of those ones that humiliates themselves on this program me."

18. Grow up!

19. It's this misplaced optimism that wakes me up in the morning,

20. sustains me throughout the clay and,

21. I hope this is appropriate,

22. is the source of my virility.

23. So, let's meet five successful comedians happy to put it all

24. on the line to win a trophy that remains to this clay truly worthless.

25. Please welcome Frankie Boyle, lvo Graham,

26. jenny Eclair, KiellSmith-Bynoe,

27. and Mae Martin.

28. Ancl now it's over to prick-tionary corner.

29. It's the direct result of a tryst between Postman Pat

30. and Chewbacca, it's...

31. .. Little Alex Horne.

32. Hi. Hi, Greg. You all right? I'm just so ready for this.

33. I've had my pre, well, my new pre-show fuel.

34. Yeah. Got a new system. OK.

35. I have a quick, ah, Scotch Apple. I've got one here if you...

36. Yeah, yeah.

37. There's a Scotch Apple. Yep.

38. You want it? No. No?

39. Have a little nibble on it.

40. I'm going to have a little nibble on it.

41. Mm!

42. That is awful. Hm, mm, mm. Oh, lovely.

43. Genuinely, it looks disgusting.

44. Oh, it really is. Well clone.

45. Hopefully you'll be physically sick during the show.

46. OK, it's time for Alex to reveal

47. the first prize category of this series.

48. Yes, here it comes.

49. You've asked them to bring in

50. the most dependable thing that weighs about 1 kg,

51. so about the same as a ferret

52. but much more trustworthy than a ferret, please.

53. Greg will give five points to the most dependable thing that weighs

54. about a kilogram, and at the end of this episode, the overall winner

55. will take home around 5kg of dependable things.

56. That's me done and it's back to you, Greg.

57. OK, as tradition dictates,

58. we start on the left for the first episode so

59. Frankie, welcome to the show.

60. What's your dependable thing that weighs around a kilogram?

61. I have brought in something that reliably makes me smile

62. and laugh which is

63. a painting my children had made up of me for my 50th birthday.

64. Here it is.

65. Are the two people by the horse your children?

66. Yeah, they are. They've blurred their faces out,

67. they weren't just moving while the painter was...

68. Frankie, it's a really strong opener.

69. I would like that in my house.

70. That's creepy. Yep.

71. Good. Lvo, welcome to the show.

72. Thanks for having me on the show.

73. Obviously very hard to follow Frankie's beautiful

74. family-orientated art, but I would argue.

75. Are you all right?

76. Are you playing a Radio 4 panel game

77. where you can't say certain words?

78. Even on Taskmaster I'm still auditioning

79. for Radio 4 panel.

80. I've brought in the most dependable thing there is,

81. I've brought in a four pack

82. of non-branded toilet roll.

83. Yes, he has. Oh, reliable.

84. There's his item. Yeah, very good.

85. I would say the four pack,

86. as well as weighing pretty much exactly a kilogram,

87. pretty much any bowels are provided for.

88. It's the sense of security that

89. comes with bringing home a sweet four.

90. I'm a nine pack girl.

91. Can I pull lvo up on this slightly? If you look up loo rolls on

92. Wikipedia, which I imagine you've done,

93. it says the average weight of a loo roll is 227g. Yes.

94. But that is completely wrong, as is some of Wikipedia.

95. They weigh about 100g each.

96. So he's brought in less than half a kilo of loo roll?

97. Yeah, yeah. Is it, is it too late to switch it up to a sweet nine?

98. No, no.

99. Not when you've been singing the virtues of the sweet four.

100. Jenny, welcome.

101. I have brought in 21 eggs.

102. You can't... You can't go wrong with an egg.

103. These are jenny's 21 eggs. The 21 eggs come in at 1,022g.

104. Are eggs dependable though?

105. They go off, they break. So reliable and dependable.

106. They go off, they're fragile, they can be gelatinous.

107. Oh. If cooked incorrectly. Oh, you're putting me off eggs now.

108. Think of the people at home who've lost loved ones

109. to salmonella poisoning.

110. Yeah, two. Yeah.

111. OK. Kiell, welcome to the show.

112. I'll smash this. What have you brought us?

113. I've brought a toaster.

114. Here it is. Not just a, yeah, any old toaster.

115. Look at that. Ooh. That's a fine toaster.

116. It's a bit modern, it's a bit retro.

117. It's a nice bit of kit that, innit? Yeah. Ooh.

118. Talk us through your love of the toaster, Kiell.

119. It... Every time you put it down it burns the thing

120. and POPS UP-

121. Once bread has become toast it can never be bread again.

122. Because of that.

123. That is poetic. Hello, Mae. Welcome to the show.

124. What have you brought in?

125. OK, so there's been a lot of breakfast content.

126. I feel like if you're in

127. a fragile state what's more dependable go the

128. whole hog than

129. a kilogram worth of a full English breakfast.

130. That's what Mae's brought, 1 kg of breakfast.

131. Mae is talking my language.

132. Let's have a look.

133. That's exactly a kilogram.

134. It is exactly 1 kg.

135. Gosh. Five sausages, three bacon rashers, three hash browns,

136. beans, mushrooms, scrambled eggs.

137. I've never, never not been delighted by the site of a full English.

138. A full English includes toast.

139. Sure and a full English will ultimately be shat out.

140. There are connections.

141. Yeah. But it's a majestic sight.

142. Right, let's give some points out, shall we? OK. Oh, clear.

143. Let's start with the one-pointer, shall we?

144. Which is the least dependable? Now,

145. bear in mind that Frankie's weighs 2kg,

146. and |vo's not even half a kilo.

147. You've just absolutely shafted Frankie like.

148. Are you including the frame?

149. I think without the frame it's barely 200g.

150. You can have the frame.

151. OK, it's nowhere near the weight

152. and loo roll isn't that dependable cos your fingers can go through

153. it, one point to lvo.

154. Oh, I feared that would happen.

155. I just don't think eggs are very dependable.

156. Well, they don't think you are either.

157. No, I'm giving jenny two points.

158. OK. Three points, weird that I would give it three points

159. when it's not even the right weight

160. and it's a painting of Frankie Boyle on a horse,

161. but that's the intrinsic fairness of this show.

162. If you want to play like that. Three points, there it is.

163. Well done, Frankie. So it's between the breakfast and the toaster.

164. Toaster's one of the most boring things anyone's ever brought in.

165. It fits the criteria but it's unforgivably dull,

166. but I can't deny it takes the four points.

167. But who isn't made happier by a fry-up?

168. No, I10, no, no.

169. No-one. Five points to Mae Martin.

170. OK, let's go, what's first, Alex?

171. Well, I've been proposed to many times

172. and I've had a good couple of stag dos but now,

173. finally, it's time for this.

174. Ah. Hello, Mae. Hi.

175. Oh, are we getting married?

176. Hello, jenny. Hi, Frankie.

177. Hello, lvo.

178. Great speed.

179. Hello. All right? Yes.

180. Good. Can't wait for this? Yeah.

181. This is a big day.

182. Yeah, a huge clay for me.

183. It looks nice, doesn't it?

184. Well, it's hideous really but, you know. Oh.

185. No, it's lovely, it's really. No, I'm writing down "hideous".

186. Lovely. It's lovely, they smell great. Hm.

187. Have the best first dance at a wedding with Alex.

188. With Alex. You can choose whatever music you want.

189. But must be wearing these headphones throughout.

190. Your first dance must last no more than a minute,

191. thank God. No,

192. not because of you. You have 20 minutes to prepare.

193. Your time starts now. Finally my chance to choreograph.

194. I'm not a good dancer. Oh, nor, am I.

195. I have no musical ability whatsoever but god I can dance.

196. I have already have a vision.

197. OK. It's pretty acrobatic.

198. Acrobatic? Yeah. Dangerous.

199. It needs to start majestically.

200. There's nothing majestic about a clipboard.

201. Oh, OK, you can get low. All right.

202. OK.

203. We've got quite a long choreography to do,

204. but the first thing I need to get on the stage is the cow.

205. Right, are we going for party, disco or are we going for romance?

206. What about a bit of like Stormzy? Yeah.

207. Be a dramatic first dance.

208. Let's do it by the tail. There we go.

209. Yeah, it's a standard way of carrying a cow, I think.

210. I might have to go somewhere dark and cool to think.

211. OK. It's hot in there. It's... It's dark and hot.

212. The caravan's quite dark and cool.

213. OK, I'm going in there. That gives me trench vagina.

214. I'm sorry about that on our wedding night

215. but you're going to get a dance.

216. I don't know why I said it out loud.

217. I was coming on to trench vagina as well.

218. There's a lot we don't know about WW1.

219. Oh, lest we forget.

220. OK, so we're going to begin the dancing with Kiell Smith-Bynoe.

221. Ladies and gentlemen,

222. please be upstanding for the bride and groom,

223. Mr and Mrs Alex Horne. Yeah. Whah.

224. It's the best wedding I've ever been to.

225. H it it.

226. Christ almighty. It's very rare I've got nothing negative to say.

227. That's the best thing you've ever clone.

228. Well, feel free to watch that at home with Earth,

229. Wind and Fire's Boogie Wonderland playing. Is that what it was?

230. That's what it was. Could you not tell? That was great, Kiell.

231. Thanks. That'll definitely win.

232. Or, is it? Or, is it?

233. It's his big chance to choreograph, yet this is what he came up with.

234. It's Frankie Boyle dancing to Today's Your Day,

235. in brackets, Whachagonedu, by Fat Lip.

236. Oh, Fat Lip.

237. I found the dance to be rubbish.

238. Always nice when a bride looks at their watch in

239. the middle of a wedding dance.

240. I wanted to get it bang-on time.

241. It was bang-on time. Bang-on time.

242. There was no choreography.

243. It was just a man heavy breathing in a dress

244. and then the most stomach-churning kiss that's ever been televised.

245. He just said to me, "Watch it and feel it."

246. I watched it and I felt it as well. I felt it was shit.

247. Break time for you, break time for me,

248. break time for Alex. See you in three.

249. Hello.

250. Welcome back to the first part two of the series.

251. Yes, only nine to go.

252. The part two welcome back countdown begins.

253. Before the break, I had two first dances.

254. I did the worm with Kiell, obviously,

255. and I finally got off with Frankie Boyle.

256. Now it's time for me to dance with jenny Eclair.

257. Whoo, lucky.

258. Well. Did you guess the music?

259. Wuthering Heights? Is it Ride of the Valkyries but they're...

260. I was calling it Bride of the Valkyries. Yes, you were, yeah.

261. The first thing I wrote down is,

262. "This looks like a scene from a Victorian insane asylum." Yes.

263. But then, I thought a narrative did emerge,

264. I thought there was some kind of courting ritual going on.

265. Yes, there was.

266. Involving an asthmatic bride. Yes.

267. Trying to get the attention of her husband only

268. to scare him off with an aggressive sexual advance.

269. Yes. Ancl that was the intention.

270. All right. You want to see who's next? Yep.

271. Next to dance with me for the fourth first time is lvo Graham.

272. See if you can guess what song we're listening to.

273. It's one of your favourite bands, Greg.

274. Oh, is it? Yeah. I worked backwards from the song.

275. It was Dizzy by the Wonder Stuff.

276. It was Dizzy by the Wonder Stuff. Ahh.

277. Whose other songs include? Size of a Cow.

278. There was a cow at that wedding.

279. Sometimes Wikipedia does come good.

280. That's the reason for the cow. Yeah. Throughout the series,

281. |vo's trying to ingratiate himself with you.

282. Oh, but it's really worked.

283. I'm so ashamed of myself cos the dance is rubbish

284. but I'm thinking of giving him more points.

285. Next. Next. Just one person left and before the dance I said,

286. "May I?" And they said, "I may."

287. "You may?" I said, and they said, "Aye, I Mae."

288. And there'll be lots more fun bits like that throughout the series.

289. It's Mae Martin and Zorba the Greek.

290. That was... I feel emotional.

291. Yeah. Quite tired.

292. Hm, this is what our lives together would be like.

293. Ancl I'm alone again.

294. That's such a genuinely great dance. Hm.

295. Thank you. It... It's like mathematical almost.

296. You've got far more skills than I thought when you're in

297. the hands of the right choreographer. Hm.

298. Did you find it emotional?

299. That's place you lost me when you started crying at the end,

300. cos I thought, "OK, well, Mae's lost their fucking mind here."

301. I was engaged once.

302. Ancl it triggered you?

303. Yeah, our dance wasn't going to be Zorba but...

304. Doing a sort of Cossack clock dance with this goon?

305. Yeah, I suddenly thought, "This'd be nice."

306. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I've really been on an emotional journey.

307. Yeah. It's made me feel sick.

308. Ah. Yeah. Do you want some points then?

309. Yeah, OK. Do you want me to go bottom or top first?

310. Or middle. Start with the middle if you want. OK.

311. Who was the most average?

312. I don't think it was average, I thought it was really good.

313. I just think there were two dances better than it. Jenny's.

314. Ah. Three points.

315. Average. Thanks.

316. No, I'm happy. I'm happy with that, thank you very much.

317. Where would you like me to go next? I'd like to go down by one, please.

318. OK, |vo's, even though he'd successfully sucked up to me,

319. all he did was jump over a cow and spin round in circles.

320. OK. lvo, you get two points. Well done, lvo.

321. Um.

322. I feel like I know the one-pointer, so... Correct.

323. Yeah. It is Kiell.

324. I'm joking, it's Frankie.

325. Frankie Boyle you have one point. Yeah.

326. So it's between Kiell and Mae for the five points.

327. I very much enjoyed the emotional content of Mae's,

328. I really did, but the dance I wanted to be part of was Kiell's.

329. OK, Kiell gets five points.

330. Let's see how that all looks on a scoreboard.

331. Of course. Yes, well, |vo's in last place with three

332. but we have joint leaders with nine, Kielland Mae.

333. Hm. Another task, please, my little toy. Of course.

334. And this one involves the patron saint of ring,

335. Saint Ring,

336. often known now as String. Here we go.

337. Well, hell... Ooh. Hello, jenny.

338. On a red cushion. Hello, Alex.

339. Clock started already.

340. Yes. Hello, Alex.

341. Hello, lvo. Oh, straight off.

342. Nice to see you.

343. Nice to see you too, Mae.

344. Ball of string, cushion, task. Mm-hm.

345. Completely unwind this ball of string.

346. Your time started when you said Alex's name. Oh.

347. Your time started when you said Alex's name.

348. Damn and blast you!

349. Your time started when you said...

350. "Alex's name. Oh, phew.

351. Hello. Hello, Frankie.

352. Oh, twine. Twine, yep.

353. Yo. Hello, Kiell. Are you all right, Kiell?

354. Yeah, man. You? Yes, great.

355. Hm. Feels like velvet.

356. Completely unwind this ball of string.

357. Your time started when you said...

358. Hm. Name. I said your name.

359. I didn't think I said yours.

360. I was hoping you were going to say, "Hello, Alex."

361. You hadn't bargained with Scottish rudeness.

362. Time started when you said...

363. Hm. I kept saying, "Hello, Kiell."

364. What did I say? Yo.

365. Yeah.

366. I really like it when people guess your system. Hm.

367. They break your system straight away.

368. That's one of your favourite things. It's one of my favourite things.

369. It was Frankie and Kiell who were the problems.

370. Let's see how they and the rest of the problem children did.

371. OK. Well, the rude Scotsman is up first.

372. His words, not mine. It's Frankie Boyle.

373. Don't suppose there's a quicker way

374. to do it than simply throwing it about.

375. Oh, you can see what cats get out of this really. Fun entertainment.

376. Are you going to say my name at all? I am, yeah. Right.

377. Oh, yeah, don't worry about that.

378. There we go.

379. Alex. Right.

380. Definitely done everything on the task?

381. Completely unwind this ball of string,

382. your time starts when you said Alex's name. Yes.

383. Yeah, you happy? Thanks. Bye, Frankie.

384. Bye, Alex.

385. You can't just hide bits of the task.

386. I set you a task, some of it's written under the chair.

387. Listen, I couldn't agree more.

388. Do you think that would stand up in court?

389. We've never had a litigation on this show but I...

390. I would welcome it, Frankie.

391. Nay, financially support you doing it.

392. I never put it on the cushion,

393. so my clock is essentially still going. Six months.

394. 172 days, nearly a whole school year.

395. I've said it before, I'll say it again, Frankie, the guy's a prick.

396. That's half-time - for the show, yes.

397. But also, for a lot of you, you're halfway through your lives.

398. Sobering thought, isn't it?

399. Use the time to really stare at your partner in this break.

400. Are you really going to spend the second half of your life with that?

401. Bye!

402. Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

403. It's part three, and we're in the midst of a task involving string.

404. Correct. Ultimately, they just had to put a neat ball of string on

405. the cushion, but that part of the task wording was placed on

406. the back of the task where I genuinely

407. thought everyone would look.

408. Frankie didn't and is currently over 4,000 hours into the task.

409. Did the next two competitors look?

410. Well, we've only just met them but I doubt it. It's Kielland lvo.

411. Do you know what my name is? Yeah.

412. Mr Horne.

413. The curse of politeness.

414. And it is a curse.

415. This is fun though. Ooh.

416. If I'm going by what most people, like, know you as then I'd guess...

417. Hm, I'd love you to say it. Alex.

418. Right, I've started the clock. Done.

419. Have you? Yeah. It's completely unwound.

420. It's completely unwinded. Have you done everything?

421. Yeah. What? Ahh.

422. No.

423. Put a neat ball. Hm.

424. Put a neat ball of string on the cushion. Fastest wins.

425. You do not have to unwind the ball of string.

426. Why didn't you put that on the front?

427. It's optimistic to think there's another one in the house.

428. You think we've only got one ball of string?

429. I don't know.

430. Why's there so much string left? Ahh.

431. Yes, look how purple my fingertips are going.

432. I can't unwind it to release my fingers.

433. On the dog's head.

434. Damn, that's neat.

435. Stop the clock? Stop the clock.

436. I think that can just all go in one big... Yep.

437. That's... That's actually great.

438. It did slip smoothly off the dog's face.

439. That was a really good bit of an otherwise terrible experience.

440. Um, very similar systems initially.

441. Mm-hm. Although lvo was

442. a little more enthusiastic about casting his string.

443. He was the quickest to unwind.

444. Kiell was spending a lot of time congratulating himself

445. for not saying your name.

446. We, ah,

447. seven minutes 24 to put a ball of string on a cushion.

448. It's actually ages, isn't it? This is ages.

449. Yeah. This is ongoing ages.

450. Well, what I took from that is that English people know not

451. to trust other English people.

452. We've got a Canadian next.

453. Do you think the Canadian will trust an Englishman? Shouldn't do.

454. Well, there are only two people left and there's still

455. a chance they might be the smart ones. It's Mae and jenny.

456. Is this your normal technique?

457. Yeah, I think. There's no other way than this.

458. No tricks? I mean, the awful trick would be if at

459. the end of all this you said, "Now wind it all back up,"

460. and I say, "Fuck off, you sod."

461. Ah.

462. Oh, bloody hell.

463. I feel like I've achieved something which is pathetic.

464. Done. I've finished it. I've clone it, Alex. I've clone it.

465. Have you? You sure?

466. Ah. Oh, no.

467. Put a neat ball of string on the cushion. Fastest wins.

468. Why did you do that to me? Why would anybody do that?

469. You didn't say look at the other side.

470. You should always look at the back of the tasks.

471. Oh, God in Heaven, I don't believe...

472. It's not going to get neat.

473. Could I? ls there another ball of string?

474. Doesn't say how big

475. the ball of string has to be.

476. Sod that.

477. Stop the clock, that is a neat ball of string.

478. That's a neat ball of string.

479. Oh... Oh.

480. I've stopped the clock.

481. Why did I look right there first? Yes.

482. You didn't know there was a secret drawer there? Yeah.

483. Well, basically there's only two that have handles that stick out.

484. Well done, Mae. Thanks. Bye.

485. Bye, Mae.

486. I really loved the quote,

487. "Why would anyone want to do that to someone?"

488. I felt really picked on.

489. I thought she was good. I put that, ah,

490. Mae lost their Goddamn mind,

491. is what I wrote down initially

492. but then that's how this game can turn on a sixpence.

493. It was a real sixth sense from Mae.

494. I genuinely felt like the Lord was involved.

495. Like... Like I had a flash of... I just knew it was.

496. I, I... It was. It came from the Lord.

497. Wow. It's good that he's sparing

498. the time from all these people who are dying in natural disasters

499. and whatnot to look in on the show.

500. Hey, he's gotta have a hobby.

501. He's... He's a fan.

502. We know that lvo took seven minutes 24,

503. Kiell five minutes and seven seconds,

504. Frankie currently 247,680 minutes.

505. Mae Martin placed

506. a ball of string on the cushion in two minutes 35.

507. Oh, God.

508. Jenny, one minute 19 slower than Mae.

509. Slower than Mae. Slower than Mae.

510. Three minutes 54... 54 seconds.

511. That's cruel. Why would you do that to me?

512. Why would anybody do that to me?

513. Which means that lvo gets two points,

514. Kiell three, jenny four,

515. Frankie does get one point but Mae Martin gets five points.

516. Send another task my way, please.

517. Well, let's see if this one floats your boat, because we're about

518. to see our first location task of the series.

519. Aye, aye, Captain. Ahoy.

520. What are you wearing on your head? A safety hat.

521. Right, yes.

522. Ahoy. This real?

523. Yeah.

524. Get all the rubber rings on your bargepole.

525. Get all the rubber rings on your bargepole.

526. It's like a narwhal thing.

527. You may not touch

528. the bargepole or rubber rings at any point. With my hands.

529. You have a maximum of half an hour.

530. Time starts now.

531. Have you ever driven a barge before?

532. Yeah, barge. Have I driven a barge?

533. Have you driven a barge?

534. Nope.

535. Have you driven one of these before?

536. No.

537. I've never driven a car.

538. Are you ready to go? I'm sort of ready to go

539. but I know this isn't a very good idea.

540. It looked like lvo was interpreting for Frankie.

541. Get all the rubber rings on a bargepole and then...

542. Get all the rubber rings on a bargepole.

543. Ready? Ready.

544. Here we go. just to explain, this was a supervised barge trip

545. in a safe, private area, and we begin with everyone's

546. favourite chain of modest celebration restaurants,

547. it's Frankie and jenny's.

548. The clock has started.

549. I'm full steaming ahead.

550. You are.

551. One rubber ring.

552. I'm so sorry. Are you all right, Alex?

553. Yeah, it was quite a heavy crash.

554. I might've broken the boat. OK, we're going for number two.

555. I'm going to come back for that one.

556. No, wrong way. Wrong way.

557. Oh, yeah, we're lining up with this bad boy.

558. Just hid in that tree, I think.

559. Think I might back up a little.

560. Ah, here we are again. Watch that tree.

561. Yes. Oh, clear. Oh, clear. Watch your head, Alex.

562. Watch your head. I'm very, very sorry.

563. Very sorry about this. Very, very sorry.

564. I think we'll get more on the way back.

565. It's not fair.

566. I can't see you missing this one.

567. Why? No. No.

568. Oh, my God.

569. One. Your final minute, jenny.

570. OK, OK, you bastard.

571. We're going quite... We're going quite fast towards the wall.

572. So close. Erm, we're going to hit the wall quite fast.

573. Brace, brace. Brace.

574. I'm bracing.

575. Uh, ooh.

576. I'm so sorry. No, that's all right.

577. I'm not sure this was a very good idea.

578. Oh, there we go. I don't think you're a natural.

579. I've maybe discovered a new way of doing it.

580. There were three crashes, right?

581. We showed three, yeah. Unfortunately, yeah.

582. The most spectacular of which involved you knowing

583. you were going to crash,

584. not attempting to stop or steer away,

585. you just simply shouted, "Brace."

586. Ah, at that point I forgot what you could do entirely.

587. Like the worst pilot of all time. Brace.

588. We're going down.

589. Some of the other things she said was,

590. "Back, back, come on, pony, calm the flip down, jenny,

591. "spin, bitch, spin."

592. Yes, they both got one.

593. They had a maximum of half an hour. We thought, "That'll be plenty."

594. Good. Both awful. OK, one watermelon each.

595. Yep. Next up it's one man on his own

596. and I'm going to use his full name

597. to introduce him this time, it's Kiell Smith-By-Noculars.

598. How you feeling?

599. Like a sailor. Wait, what am I doing? Collecting it?

600. On the pole.

601. Come on, come on. Nah.

602. Ah, man. OK. That's OK.

603. We'll just go into reverse, won't we?

604. Beep, beep, bBBP. 566D. beep, beep, beep,

605. beep, beep. OK, here we go.

606. This is it.

607. Yeah.

608. One on a bargepole for me.

609. That took three minutes. Not bad.

610. Two on a bargepole for me.

611. How many have I gotta get?

612. Five. Oh. So I don't need this one at all.

613. Why not? Cos I can get that one down there.

614. OK.

615. Yeah.

616. Four on a bargepole for me.

617. Nine minutes gone.

618. Right, this one, one take. I'm not messing about.

619. It's like bloody Popeye. Popeye's a sailor, right?

620. Yeah. Let's go baby.

621. Four. Four? Is that not five?

622. One, two, three. Yeah, four.

623. It's reversal time.

624. Look at that. Watch him go.

625. Oh, can feel the wind in your hair.

626. Whoo, yeah.

627. You've got seven minutes.

628. I don't think you're counting in real minutes.

629. I can see the ring.

630. You've got four minutes to get the last ring.

631. I only need one.

632. Yeah. I'll stop the clock.

633. You know how you hear, like,

634. an earworm song like Saturday Night by Whigfield

635. and you hear it a few times

636. and after, sort of, the eighth time, ninth,

637. you've heard it on the radio it starts to irritate you. Hm.

638. I was irritated on

639. the first verse of One on a Bargepole For Me.

640. For me. For me.

641. However, an exemplary performance.

642. Well, the thing was,

643. I thought that I'd already got all five.

644. One, two, four, five. That was the problem.

645. Some hotels don't have the number 13, so maybe you don't have

646. the number three in your vocabulary. Is that a thing? I'd say so, yeah.

647. Try counting to five now. Now? Yeah.

648. One, two, four, five.

649. For me.

650. So you did eventually get all five within the time frame.

651. 26 minutes and 30 is the time to beat.

652. Hot dang, it's the end of part three.

653. Return to us for part four

654. and the answer to the age-old question,

655. "Who's going to win a load of jenny Eclair's eggs?"

656. Hello, again. It's the final part of this first episode,

657. and our new cast are enjoying themselves on a barge.

658. Yes, that's right, Greg. But they're not the only ones here who enjoy

659. a long, flat-bottomed vessel.

660. Just two people left to see

661. and their surnames sound like two reliable friends,

662. it's Graham and Martin.

663. Oh. No. Ahh.

664. Ooh. He's done it.

665. I feel so alive.

666. Yes. One rubber ring - and that took one minute.

667. Two rubber rings, Mae, in two minutes.

668. I'm reversing.

669. I'm on a boat.

670. Yes, you're on a boat.

671. Yes. Two rings.

672. Two rings. Now we reverse.

673. It's been quite serene so far, Mae.

674. That's three.

675. Yes.

676. Whoa. Yes. Piece of piss.

677. Yes.

678. He has taken to the task.

679. Right, photo finish.

680. OK, this is bad.

681. Here we go. No, no, no, yes.

682. NO! No!

683. Um, this... This has come off. This has...

684. I've... I've broken the steering wheel.

685. Right.

686. I've never been so focused.

687. No, nor have I.

688. Yes.

689. I've stopped the clock.

690. Yeah.

691. You've done it, Mae. You made it look really easy.

692. Yeah, I loved that.

693. Ivo? Hello.

694. You've got 11 minutes left.

695. Well, hang on. I thought I'd used four minutes.

696. We back in? You're back in. Hop back on.

697. Yes!

698. I've stopped the clock. Put it in reverse. Put it in reverse.

699. Oh, no.

700. A lot happened. My hat came off. I've broken the boat.

701. Won the task.

702. It's very early for me to be saying this

703. but it seems to me that anything Mae takes on is clone with poise.

704. I don't... I've never said "piece of piss," that's so English.

705. I don't know why I said that.

706. Even piece of piss felt dignified.

707. How am I ranking on the old poise front, Greg?

708. There's a reason I led with Mae.

709. I mean, it was just carnage, wasn't it?

710. It was great up to the... Broken the boat, won the task.

711. I doubt it.

712. Broken the boat, lost my hat, won the task,

713. and in the words of Meat Loaf, two out of three ain't bad.

714. Do we include the whole time in his time or do we stop

715. the clock when he broke the barge?

716. Ivo had the barge after Frankie and me.

717. He shouldn't be punished because I think we'd broken it already.

718. That's exactly... That's exactly what happened.

719. I think it was cracked.

720. I think it's exactly that sort of gesture that will see me punish him.

721. The tiller was loose. We can't punish him for that.

722. OK, so we will pause the clock... Yeah.

723. when it broke, and then, restart it when it was mended.

724. Because the tiller was loose. In which case, both Mae and lvo

725. pierced all five watermelons in under eight minutes.

726. Mae, seven minutes and seven seconds.

727. Ivo, seven minutes and 41 seconds.

728. So Mae gets five points, lvo four,

729. Kiell, three, and jenny and Frankie share two points each.

730. Let's have a quick look at the scores.

731. Frankie, I'm afraid you're at the bottom of the table

732. with seven points.

733. A long way above you is Mae with 19 points.

734. They can be caught.

735. OK, everyone, please make your way to

736. the stage for the final task of the show.

737. Five pots on a stick.

738. For me.

739. Anyway, let's dance.

740. I'd like Mae Martin to read the task please.

741. All right.

742. Throw your items into your bucket.

743. You must select one item when Alex blows his whistle.

744. You must then throw that item when

745. Alex blows his whistle again.

746. If your bucket falls, you're disqualified.

747. You must stay on your spot

748. and you must not move your spot.

749. Most items in a standing bucket wins.

750. Yeah, so you will end up throwing all your items.

751. I'm going to blow the whistle, so please hold up your first item.

752. Right, we've gone baby, baby, brick, book, book.

753. And...

754. Oh.

755. Ahh.

756. Wow.

757. That made me want to hump a barge.

758. So lvo one nil up with his baby.

759. You can now select your next item on the whistle.

760. You cannot change now.

761. So it's brick, book, baby, brick, brick this time.

762. Nowhere near as catchy.

763. No.

764. Yes. Yes.

765. Who did you throw that brick into that bucket for?

766. For me.

767. Please select your next item now.

768. Whoa, it's first balls.

769. Ball, brush, ball, baby, baby.

770. Ready to witness the next round? Here we go. And throw.

771. Ooh.

772. Yes. Yes.

773. Me too, yes.

774. I'm just going to say yeah.

775. All the buckets are still standing. Yeah.

776. It's me versus you, Kiell. No, it's you versus everyone still.

777. Please select your penultimate item.

778. Ooh.

779. We have three balls in play. It's book, ball, brush, ball, ball.

780. You say it like a malfunctioning robot.

781. Let's play. OK, good luck everyone.

782. Oh!

783. Oh, my God. Wow.

784. I've never seen game play like that as long as in 15 series.

785. I resign.

786. Yeah. So lvo killed Kiell, Kiell killed lvo,

787. Mae killed themselves, I think, is that...

788. Oh, my God.

789. Somehow, jenny and Frankie are going to take away the points.

790. It was like Reservoir Dogs.

791. This is the most excited I've ever been.

792. There's just jenny and Frankie to throw.

793. It's a brush for Frankie, it's a book for jenny.

794. If you get it in and the other doesn't,

795. you take away five points and four points.

796. Ancl if this isn't an anti-climax, I'll eat this trophy.

797. On my whistle, please throw.

798. Sensible from jenny,

799. but it means they share the five points. We're done.

800. Yeah. Yay.

801. Come back down, we'll see how that's affected the final score.

802. They were such naughty boys.

803. I was thrilled by the instinct of lvo and by the

804. lightning-quick response of Kiell.

805. It does mean lvo is now in last place for the episode.

806. I've been referred to as a bad boy for

807. the first time in my life. I don't care where I come.

808. It's not all about winning, it's just glory, isn't it, sometimes?

809. The curse of politeness has lifted.

810. So lvo in last place in the end. jenny, you're in second place,

811. but the winner of the first episode is Mae Martin with 19 points.

812. Mae Martin wins. Please go collect your dependable kilo.

813. Week one complete, see you all next time.

814. But for now, let's applaud once more our winner, Mae Martin!