Taskmaster 14x9

1. Water!

2. This programme contains some adult themes and some strong language

3. Off!

4. Yeehah!

5. Shut up!

6. Argh! Will we get far?

7. Aargh!

8. Again! What?

9. Thank you!

10. Welcome to Taskmaster.

11. I'm Greg Davis and I've got some news for you.

12. The end is nigh,

13. the penultimate episode is upon us

14. and what a joy it's been

15. to watch these pumped-up athletes of task perform.

16. Their skill range is so broad that, together,

17. they're like a giant human Swiss army knife.

18. I'll leave you to decide which of them is

19. the weird thing for getting stones out of horses' hooves

20. that no-one ever uses, but I'll give you a clue. It's John Kearns.

21. So let's get on with it, shall we?

22. Please welcome Dara O Briain!

23. Fern Brady!

24. John Kearns!

25. Munya Chawawa...

26. .. and Sarah Millican.

27. And sitting next to me,

28. a man who recently confided in me

29. that he thinks that the refuse team that collect his bins every week

30. are stupid and don't deserve to be paid.

31. It's little Alex Horne!

32. I don't sound... I don't sound like that!

33. Prize task, then. What's the category of the day, please, Alex?

34. I like the question and I hope you like the answer.

35. It's... the most underestimated item.

36. Hmm! And guess what? There are five points at stake for

37. the most underestimated item and at the end of the show

38. the winner will take home all five underestimated items, and there's

39. a good chance they'll have gone up in people's estimations by then.

40. Right, John.

41. I brought in a, uh, a penny.

42. That's what John's brought in. Oh, yeah.

43. "Most underestimated item."

44. Just a 1p piece, then.

45. Yeah, lowest value thing we've ever had.

46. Yeah.

47. So if you walk past a wheelbarrow, right,

48. and there was £1,000 in £20 notes

49. you, you're taking that home, I presume?

50. Oh, I'm wheeling that straight home.

51. Yeah, so, am I.

52. If there's a wheelbarrow

53. with, er, £1,000 worth of pennies in it

54. I think you're just going, "Nah."

55. Oh, no, I'd take that home.

56. If I saw £1,000 worth of pennies I'd go,

57. "Yeah, no, that's worth wheeling home."

58. Yeah, same amount of money - that's why.

59. I was, I was, I was banking on you saying you'd just leave it.

60. I mean, I honestly think John, sometimes in this round

61. you're provoking me.

62. Munya, hello.

63. Can you lift our spirits after that?

64. 100%.

65. So I've brought in a Zimbabwean trip boomerang.

66. Show 'em, Alex.

67. Here it is.

68. OK. So whoa.

69. Any of you ever heard about the Norfolk Panther?

70. Widely discredited. Go on.

71. I was out for a walk in the forest,

72. I've got my trip boomerang in my pocket because you know,

73. Norfolk was like a war zone in those days.

74. Oh, yeah, oh, my God.

75. I hear a little rustle in the bushes and I'm thinking,

76. "Cool, that's a pheasant"

77. but as I walk, the rustle starts to follow me.

78. So before I know it now I'm running,

79. OK and I can hear literally trees moving,

80. bushes rustling, this, that and the other

81. and I'm being chased by the panther.

82. Like, I know those footsteps.

83. So, without thinking, I grab the boomerang,

84. swing it, I throw it and carried on running

85. and the reason I know it hit the panther is

86. because if it didn't, I would be dead.

87. Is there a chance that you killed someone's dog?

88. Wow, I mean that is absolutely rubbish.

89. OK, OK, yeah.

90. Um, Fern. This is looking pretty optimistic, I think.

91. I brought in a bottle opener key ring. OK.

92. You're at a party, you don't have any social skills,

93. you don't have very many friends,

94. people don't want to talk to you.

95. Hey, hey, hey, hey, who is this character?

96. It's me in my everyday life!

97. Fine.

98. And then someone says,

99. "Has anyone got a bottle opener?"

100. And you say "Yes, me."

101. And then people want you, they keep you in their life.

102. I think I've had my bottle-opener key ring

103. for maybe seven years now and it's been incredible.

104. So basically this is what Fern has brought in.

105. This says something, doesn't it?

106. How do you two feel about the fact that I'm genuinely

107. considering putting this above yours?

108. Nah, nah, nah, that can't be.

109. Sarah. I've been in my current relationship for 16 years... Yup.

110. .. and we decided to start THIS.

111. Here it is. OK.

112. Which is The Joy Of Sex - we just thought we'd work our way through it

113. start to finish. But the problem, as you can see, there's a bookmark.

114. We only got eight pages in

115. and we gave up.

116. We massively underestimated how long it would take

117. and how much effort it would take seeing that we are both

118. in our mid to late 40s.

119. We got up to the page where it suggested

120. you eat food off each other, we overdid it, we had to have a nap.

121. Didn't work.

122. You ever used food during sex?

123. Oh, yeah. Yeah? What you done?

124. Everything. What haven't I done? Chips? Done.

125. Thank you, Sarah.

126. You have underestimated your own sexual appetite. Absolutely.

127. Dara, what have you brought in?

128. Something humble which is in fact great,

129. which is the humble fish-finger sandwich.

130. We have one here.

131. It is a comfort food,

132. it is light, it is INCREDIBLY easy to prepare. Yeah.

133. It is the friend of all hungover dads

134. who have to prepare a meal for children. Kids love it,

135. it works, it's done fast and straight-forward

136. and I think, cos we live in a world of burgers and Chinese,

137. the fish finger sandwich is the next food trend.

138. Can I say something, Dara, and I hope you'll take this

139. in the spirit it's intended? I will.

140. You throw so much information out sometimes,

141. I sometimes feel I'm at a chicken auction.

142. I tune out and all I can hear is...

143. IMITATES IRISH LIVESTOCK AUCTIONEER

144. It is incredible!

145. I do. I'm sorry.

146. Right, I should score these. I'm giving Munya one point. Aww!

147. Yeah. Munya one.

148. I mean, unbelievably, John... I can't believe it.

149. What do you mean, you can't believe it? For a penny!

150. Two points to John's penny, OK?

151. You shouldn't underestimate a fish finger sandwich.

152. I have to take Sarah's word for the fact

153. she underestimated The Joy Of Sex

154. and Fern's beautiful story about the power of the bottle opener means

155. I very much have underestimated the bottle opener.

156. Right, OK, then. So what I'm going to do

157. is give them all three points. Three points, yes.

158. And that's an end to it.

159. Right three points, three points, three points, two, one.

160. There are no winners! There!

161. Task time.

162. OK, yes, it is

163. and this one started off as a tie-break task

164. but then we decided it was something that everybody should see.

165. So, here we go.

166. Hello.

167. Hello, Munya. You're so smiley today.

168. I like that little voice.

169. A little look, oh!

170. That's interesting. I'll have you first.

171. Feeling good?

172. Oh, I'm feeling...

173. .. great.

174. I've got the new one.

175. Exciting, innit?

176. "Hello, Sarah."

177. SHE CACKLES

178. Ah! It's almost like you're on to me!

179. Yuck!

180. Snort!

181. Then blow a raspberry.

182. Then whistle.

183. Then repeat that sequence for one minute.

184. Snort, raspberry, whistle.

185. "The most completed sequences wins."

186. Your time starts when you next snort.

187. SHE HUFFS

188. I don't even know how to snort!

189. So what is a snort - in or out?

190. HE SNORTS

191. Can YOU do a snort?

192. PHLEGMY CROAK

193. Eww!

194. I can't whistle, but, you know...

195. You can practise whistling before snorting.

196. Oh, you'd love that.

197. It's a bog-standard game of international

198. snort, raspberry, whistle. That's my understanding of the task.

199. I suppose it is. It would appear a few members of

200. the cast have reached adulthood without learning

201. how to snort or whistle

202. and to demonstrate this, we begin with Fern Brady.

203. Deep breath, here we go.

204. SHE HUFFS

205. RAGGED INTAKE OF BREATH

206. Is that your first snort?

207. Hee-hee-hee!

208. I've got to start the watch whenever you...

209. Oh, we've started, have we?

210. BREATHY WHISTLE

211. LUSTY SNORT

212. LIMP RASPBERRY

213. HALF-SNORT

214. IMPROVED RASPBERRY

215. BREATHY WHISTLE ATTEMPT

216. SNORT

217. SOUNDLESS WHISTLE

218. NON-WHISTLE

219. BRIEF RASPBERRY

220. SNORT

221. RASPBERRY-CUM-GIGGLE

222. I can't really whistle!

223. HALF-HEARTED RASPBERRY

224. BREATHY NON-WHISTLE

225. BREATHY, COOING NON-WHISTLE

226. FINAL WHISTLE

227. Thank you, Fern.

228. I don't know what to say.

229. I mean, it was basically a fairly intimate film of a breakdown.

230. Did you get any completed sequence?

231. No... No.

232. I really had high hopes for you winning

233. an episode before the end of this series.

234. I thought I won that one!

235. HOW? How do you think you won that one?

236. Because I kept trying.

237. OK, well, let's see two of them together now.

238. John Kearns can't whistle but Sarah Milli-can. Here we go.

239. Oh, this.

240. SNORT, RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

241. SNORT, RASPBERRY, WHISTLE, SNORT

242. RASPBERRY

243. TONELESS WHISTLE

244. INTAKE OF BREATH

245. WHISTLE, SNORT, RASPBERRY

246. SNORT

247. SNUFFLING

248. RASPBERRY, WHISTLE, SNORT, RASPBERRY

249. GIGGLE

250. WHISTLE, SNORT

251. LOUD RASPBERRY

252. PHLEGMY SNORT

253. RASPBERRY, SNORT

254. Oh, got to do it quick!

255. SNORT, RASPBERRY

256. RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

257. Keep forgetting the order.

258. SNORT

259. RASPBERRY, WHISTLE, SNORT

260. RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

261. SNORT

262. This is a long minute!

263. RASPBERRY

264. SNORT, RASPBERRY

265. WHEEZY CHUCKLE

266. SNORT, WHISTLE, RASPBERRY

267. Is this longer than a minute? You've got ten seconds.

268. Oh, I thought you were taking the piss!

269. REFEREE'S WHISTLE

270. JOHN GIGGLES

271. I don't know what happened there.

272. I feel a bit dizzy but in quite a sort of good way.

273. You were very focused.

274. Can I do a horn just to centre meself?

275. HONK! Is that all right?

276. All that with no hand.

277. I do the hand normally. HONK!

278. HONK, HONK!

279. I mean, frankly compared to the last effort we saw,

280. you looked like a professional.

281. Thanks. She thought that time had stood still for a moment.

282. It's called a Kairos moment. People experience it with grief, or this.

283. Just the two things? Yeah, it's very common.

284. She completed 18 cycles in a minute - that's pretty good.

285. John, the whistling it absolutely destroyed your game.

286. Now we know you've been working on your whistling.

287. Can we see an in-studio whistle?

288. It's glasses off normally, John. Competition conditions, John.

289. TONELESS, BREATHY "WHISTLE"

290. Yep.

291. HE TRILLS TUNEFULLY

292. HE HUFFS

293. That, my friends, is the end of part one.

294. There are some adverts coming up to distract you from that thing

295. you married on the sofa.

296. You've got a glass of water there now.

297. Chuck it on the lazy good-for-nothing!

298. Chuck it in his face. See you in five.

299. Hello, hello! Whoever you are wherever you are

300. and whenever you are it's always good to know you're there.

301. Don't you ever leave him, he's my guy!

302. Just to remind you all before the break there was a task under way.

303. A tense task where they had to snort then raspberry then whistle

304. the most times in a minute. Most completed sequences wins.

305. Tricky apparently but there are still two potential

306. snort, raspberry, whistle tri-athletes left to go

307. so here's how Dara and Munya got on.

308. Thing is, it's going to make me look unattractive.

309. So can I shield myself?

310. There's different aspects of my career

311. and model could still be one.

312. No-one's gonna pick a, you know, snorting, raspberrying

313. five foot three Zimbabwean, are they?

314. RAPID SNORT, RASPBERRY, WHISTLE SEQUENCE

315. SNORT, RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

316. SEQUENCE CONTINUES

317. RAPIDITY INCREASES

318. WHISTLING FALTERS

319. SNORT, RASPBERRY

320. Sounds like walking past your bedroom every night!

321. SNORT, RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

322. I, I'm too dry to snort.

323. NOISES CONTINUE AT PACE

324. It's getting dry now.

325. Ten seconds.

326. Oh, could I have just taken your whistle off of you? Oh, yeah.

327. Ah, that's irritating.

328. The little mucus I had, I worked it.

329. Now we're getting to the business end of this competition.

330. MUNYA WHISTLES

331. I mean, that's the first question I want to ask, really, is why

332. Munya, you opted for a pervert's whistle?

333. I thought it was easier to do.

334. Every time you did it I sort of covered myself up a bit.

335. Erm, Dara. Yes.

336. This is what I wrote down.

337. "Dara looks like he's gonna turn his head inside out, comma,

338. "but the speed of the fucker, exclamation mark."

339. I got into quite a, quite a roll with it all to be honest.

340. Give me some statistics.

341. Well, Dara was faultless with rhythm,

342. completed 17 cycles,

343. Munya, 24.

344. So it's more than–more than one item every single second.

345. What are the scores?

346. Are you happy to reward John and Fern for taking part?

347. Yes, I think they should be rewarded for taking part.

348. In which case they get two points each

349. for coming joint fourth, three for Dara,

350. four for Sarah but Munya Chawawa gets five points. Well done, Munya.

351. Wow!

352. Lovely. Let's have our scoreboard then.

353. OK. Fern yet to win an episode. The only one so far.

354. She's in second last on five,

355. Sarah's in the lead with seven points.

356. It's close, it's close.

357. I'd like another task please, Alex.

358. OK, and play.

359. Hello. I should just open this, shouldn't I?

360. What? Oh, my God!

361. Write a one-minute, one-person play.

362. Best script wins.

363. You have 20 minutes.

364. Your time starts now. OK.

365. Gold pen.

366. Also this is thick paper.

367. That's a lot of GSMs, isn't it?

368. Plays are boring.

369. Have you written plays before?

370. Yeah. I found one the other day that I wrote

371. on the Tesco checkouts in Bathgate.

372. It was quite misogynist and ageist.

373. But you wrote it?

374. I wrote it, yeah, yeah.

375. OK, yeah.

376. Interior, day.

377. The audience walk in.

378. Right, then.

379. Can I have more paper?

380. Seven minutes left, John. How many words have you written?

381. That's not important.

382. 30 seconds, Dara.

383. WHISTLE BLOWS

384. Door(s) by John Kearns.

385. I mean, knowing the teams I do,

386. I cannot imagine what these plays are gonna be like. I'm buzzing.

387. Well, we did get five lovely plays written by five lovely people

388. but what to do with them. Well, this is what we did with them.

389. Hello.

390. Hi, Fern.

391. A script by John Kearns.

392. Meaning by Fern Brady.

393. It's a bit like I know what this is gonna say.

394. Oh, my God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep.

395. Stage and perform this one-minute, one-person play.

396. Best performance wins.

397. You have 30 minutes.

398. Your time starts now.

399. OK, I'm gonna read the play first.

400. Oh, Sarah's is gonna be good, innit?

401. Mine was, do you know what? Mine's piss-easy, there's no lines.

402. Man, OK.

403. This is very good.

404. Is there no dialogue?

405. Oh, you dick.

406. What happened in my one-minute play?

407. Oh, I remember, my one minute play was really good,

408. it was really action-packed, there's lots of stuff happening

409. in my one-minute play. My one-minute play was much better than this.

410. I just wanna go for it

411. and just let the emotion take over me.

412. So let's make me a woman.

413. Actor is sat on stage cross-legged.

414. Wow, you can tell he's young.

415. It's not been long since he's done assemblies,

416. that's what I'm assuming.

417. There's a lot of creative differences over here, I sense.

418. Sarah was furious.

419. There's no two ways about it, she was angry.

420. I wanted to create an other-worldly experience,

421. because I once read that if you Sellotape two ping pong balls

422. over your eyes and then play white noise, you will hallucinate.

423. So I wanted to create that for my actor.

424. John's lost it. He knows what's coming.

425. I think I know which play we're all looking forward to seeing.

426. And they're getting scored separately here

427. on their playwriting ability and their performance.

428. Yes, they are. A lot of points at stake.

429. So first to tread the boards and performing Fern Brady's play,

430. Meaning, it's Munya Chawawa.

431. Oh, God.

432. Hey, let go of that.

433. Ooh, ooh!

434. My head.

435. My head.

436. I'm eating this, you boot.

437. You're talking.

438. Now you can hear me, things are gonna change around here.

439. No more making me dance for Instagram likes.

440. No more pictures or Halloween costumes.

441. No more forced cuddles.

442. I'm done being your affection slave. I'm my own person.

443. But Sponges,

444. why do you hunt the kitchen, Sponges?

445. Because of you! I should be out there in the wild killing.

446. Instead I'm in here hunting inanimate objects.

447. We all seek meaning in our lives, no matter how trivial it looks

448. on the outside. I'm just doing what I can to get by.

449. I loved it. I loved the existential angst of the cat.

450. She had a head injury

451. so you don't know if she ever did hear the cat

452. or if it was all just in her coma.

453. Oh, of course.

454. Why didn't I pick up on that duality of meaning?

455. Munya, tell me about your character.

456. You see that cat, yeah?

457. It looked a lot like the Norfolk panther.

458. So the emotion just overtook me.

459. The fear, the danger, the panic and, yeah,

460. I think I would have died in that situation.

461. Fern, what is the play about?

462. Uh, just I love thinking about if my cat could talk.

463. That's your understanding of it, right?

464. Yeah, and that came through.

465. It came through loud and proud. Let's see another play.

466. OK, it's another cat play.

467. This time it's Fern Brady's performance

468. of Sarah Millican's play.

469. I'm sitting in a cafe and it's cold.

470. All around me are cats but it's not a cat cafe.

471. They can't call it a cat cafe since the law changed

472. and they need the cats' consent.

473. Me cat died last year but I don't miss it

474. because it was an arsehole.

475. It wasn't my cat, it was my nana's.

476. But when she went into the home, she made me take him

477. even though he was always a dick to me.

478. I'm the only one left who visits her now

479. and she mostly remembers me.

480. She criticises my clothes and says I look tired.

481. Howay, man.

482. I tell her about the cats here.

483. She always likes to hear about them.

484. Mavis on the chair, Charlie in the window.

485. She brightens at all the names like she knows them too.

486. I check my phone. Seven missed calls from the home.

487. Oh, shit.

488. I don't think I've got anything bad to say.

489. I was absolutely enchanted by performance and narrative.

490. It put me in mind of Alan Bennett.

491. It was like an Alan Bennett play. Yeah, it was.

492. I was really nervous cos I hadn't met Sarah

493. till we got here, so it was really horrible knowing that

494. my bad impression of her was coming out.

495. I liked it. I really liked your impression of me.

496. Especially the "howay, man."

497. OK, break time.

498. Break time! Everybody off.

499. Off you go. the big man said to go. Bye-bye!

500. Hello, and welcome to the third part of our little show

501. called Taskmaster, and what a fine bunch of scriptwriter/performers

502. they are too.

503. Yes, they've all written one-minute, one-person plays

504. and now they're performing each other's.

505. Next you it's Munya's play, The Power of Silence,

506. and much to her annoyance. The actor performing it, Sarah Millican.

507. Oh, Munya. It is rubbish.

508. You've gotta ask them though, cos you might have

509. experienced something. Did you see something?

510. Well, firstly no, because me glasses were on the outside

511. of me ping pong balls.

512. I didn't see anything at all. I thought, to be honest,

513. it was the sort of thing that I'd avoid at the Edinburgh Fringe.

514. But I decide... We decided to commit and to do it as best we could.

515. So I hope you're pleased with what happened.

516. Are you happy with how it went?

517. Yep.

518. Sensational.

519. Who's next?

520. OK, well, strap yourself in for John Kearns.

521. Oh, God.

522. T minus 60 seconds.

523. Hello, Houston.

524. Jake here, or should I say, "Hello, honey."

525. I guess we're doing this.

526. Me going to Mars, you leading the ground team.

527. What a couple we make, you and me.

528. T minus 45 seconds.

529. All right, all right. I know you're just doing your job.

530. I get it. That's why you're the big boss

531. and I'm just the flying guy.

532. Strapped in for the ride.

533. A bit like our marriage, huh?

534. I know, I know, I shouldn't bring it up,

535. but, you know, we got through a lot.

536. T minus 30 seconds.

537. I just think we should be proud of what we overcame.

538. Not every couple can get over the things that I did.

539. OK. Final checks.

540. Engine, go.

541. Thrusters on.

542. Navigation system.

543. Uh, honey?

544. The navigation system don't seem to be connected.

545. T minus ten seconds.

546. Well, honey, how am I supposed to land on Mars

547. if I ain't got no nav...?

548. T minus five seconds.

549. Oh, my God. You destroyed the navigation system.

550. I said I was sorry. I said I was sorry!

551. That is an epic story.

552. As the author of the piece, I mean,

553. I thought you did a wonderful job.

554. You did an absolutely fantastic job of getting it across.

555. I wouldn't have gone as Southern...

556. I have to be honest.

557. I thought it was absolutely fantastic.

558. Genuinely made me feel very bad about what I've written.

559. Finally, then, it's the old thesp himself,

560. Dara O Briain performing John Kearns's piece.

561. Here we go.

562. He's here.

563. OK.

564. No. No.

565. That's OK. Tell him that's OK.

566. Well, I beg to differ.

567. Beckett said, "Words are a stain on silences and nothingness."

568. Yep.

569. Munya's got a tattoo of that.

570. Dara, that was exceptional.

571. You reminded me of Brando in Apocalypse Now.

572. I mean, all joking aside, Dara,

573. I genuinely found myself drawn in by your performance.

574. Initially when I opened it, I said,

575. "Oh, shit, there's nothing here."

576. That was my initial reaction to reading the script.

577. And then I realised the point is to inhabit the character

578. and create your own character within the eight words of dialogue.

579. You have to double score this.

580. I'll do performance first.

581. Right. I'm gonna give Munya two points. Well done, Munya two points.

582. Right, this is my most controversial thing

583. because I think you were hampered by your play.

584. It wasn't a play.

585. And I'm gonna give you three points

586. because I think you cocked your head brilliantly

587. and you walked out of the room in an excellent way.

588. And Munya, well, to use an old showbiz term,

589. he's fucked you over big time.

590. Fern's performance was amazing.

591. Thank you. And Dara's was amazing.

592. What about John? It was overall good. I'll give you four points.

593. These two, they were genuinely strong acting performances.

594. I'm giving them five points each.

595. OK, five to Dara, five to Fern.

596. Now, Munya's play.

597. It was pretentious nonsense. I'm giving it one point.

598. One point to Munya. Yes, off we go.

599. I felt the space epic was slightly overwritten.

600. I'll give it four points.

601. I'm gonna give all of the others five points.

602. I couldn't separate them.

603. OK, Fern, John and Sarah get five points for the play.

604. Do you have a much shorter task where I have to do less work?

605. I sure do, Greg. Let's art.

606. Hello.

607. Oh, hello, Fern.

608. Oh, this is good, cos I haven't brushed my teeth today.

609. This looks random.

610. No. Oh, is it not random?

611. Is it not random. The sausage and the plank and the toilet paper?

612. It's random, Alex.

613. Just drop it low.

614. What have we got?

615. Choose one item from each plinth. Definitely not a word.

616. And bring them into the lab.

617. You have one minute.

618. Your time starts now.

619. Right, there's that sausage.

620. Yeah, I know an undercooked sausage when I see one.

621. It's a vegetarian sausage.

622. I'm gonna do toilet roll.

623. I never go anywhere without a toilet roll, and then brush.

624. Definitely not touching that.

625. I am going to use an electric toothbrush

626. and I'm going to use a bin, then. Brilliant.

627. What is this? This is just a sheet, isn't it?

628. Not just a sheet, it's a...

629. Is it a fitted sheet? No, it's a queen-sized sheet.

630. Right, let's go to the lab. Wrong way.

631. Wrong way?

632. I can paint with a big brush and if I shit meself, I'm fine.

633. Paint a self-portrait using your brush.

634. Or sausage.

635. On your other chosen object. Massive fitted sheet.

636. You must use the business end of your brush or sausage.

637. What's the business end of a sausage?

638. The left, I think.

639. And in your self-portrait you must be wielding your brush or sausage.

640. You're obsessed with sausages, bro. Best self-portrait wins.

641. You have 15 minutes.

642. Your time started when you entered the lab. Oy!

643. This is dead good.

644. So I'm using it like a paint brush.

645. There was no rules to say I had to use the whole business end.

646. This isn't gonna work well, is it?

647. Some nice little swirls.

648. Ears first.

649. Wait, just wait.

650. The end will blow your bloody mind.

651. OK.

652. The delicate lines of the face and neck may be more difficult to do.

653. Yeah, I've never seen someone just do the eyes and then the body.

654. I can't see. God.

655. Why can't you see?

656. Because the brush is in the way.

657. It's something I didn't think would be an issue,

658. is when the sausage gets contaminated.

659. If you want me to get you a cloth to clean your sausage, just say.

660. I can have a cloth to clean my sausage? Yeah, I'd love that.

661. What are the colour of my eyes? Brown, we do not have brown.

662. Look at this. Doesn't look good at all.

663. Balayage. That's balayage, innit?

664. Red. Oh, my God.

665. Oh, like a khaki colour.

666. I could get a job for the army doing their outfits.

667. I bet none of those other plebs thought to mix colours.

668. Dara doesn't seem artistic.

669. Oh, I like the texture.

670. Oh, no. No, I've ruined that now.

671. You've got six minutes and 25 seconds, Munya.

672. Roger that, A-dog.

673. Oh.

674. What if the business end has fallen off?

675. Is it a new business end or do you have to use the original business end?

676. Not been in this situation before, to be honest.

677. What if we wanna show us on the inside?

678. Let's venture inside my anatomy.

679. Modern art.

680. Yeah, I'd say I'm done now.

681. Do you know what? You could give me another hour I wouldn't make

682. any other artistic decisions there. I think that is me.

683. Bye, thanks.

684. Bye-bye. I'm gonna have a bath now.

685. Dara, talk us through the eyes first system.

686. I thought I'd get the blue right.

687. I wanted the blue of the eyes, cos everything gets really muddy

688. when you're painting with a toilet brush. It just gets really messy.

689. So I thought I wanted the blue of the eyes

690. to be very striking, so I'd do that pure.

691. Lovely. So in your piece we're gonna be drawn in by the eyes initially?

692. I think they're the thing that's most going to strike you about my piece.

693. This is Dara's self-portrait with the standard materials

694. toilet brush on bedsheet.

695. Swim in those eyes.

696. Those eyes are haunting.

697. Haunting. Haunting.

698. You are gonna have to be wielding the item that you were using

699. in the picture and he is doing that. We can see this next to himself.

700. You not only did yourself, you also did the mountains of Ireland

701. in the background. I did.

702. Oh, is that what they are? That's what they are.

703. I'm actually obscuring many of the other mountains of Ireland.

704. They're right, they're just behind my head.

705. Does it remind you of Chris Whitty or not?

706. Well, it's not a bad opener, that's what I'd say.

707. OK, well, compare it to this then. This is Fern doing a self-portrait

708. using a sausage on a toilet seat.

709. Whoa. Jesus Christ.

710. With a sausage.

711. This is a weird episode in that there are things that are

712. actually properly good in it.

713. This is a first in Taskmaster history.

714. Well, the only thing I've been good at out of any of the tasks

715. was any artistic ones.

716. Fern, it's brilliant.

717. It's a brilliant painting with a sausage.

718. Yeah. Do you wanna see it with her actual face?

719. Oh, yeah, course, yeah. Just as a comparison.

720. She looks more realistic on the left.

721. If you squint at Fern's picture,

722. there's a tiny face trapped in the nose.

723. It's meant to be that way.

724. Yeah, you're right,

725. and I'll judge the painting on that face.

726. It's the end of part three

727. and if you're not pumped up about that,

728. someone's about to win a bottle opener.

729. Get someone to check your pulse for you if you don't feel like that.

730. What? Whoo! See you in five.

731. Yes, hello, you're in the right place.

732. Well done and welcome back to Taskmaster.

733. It's the final part of episode nine

734. and I am rabid to see some more self-portraits.

735. Yes, I'm rabid too, Greg.

736. I'm extremely thirsty and I keep attacking dogs.

737. But we must press on.

738. Now here's Sarah's self-portrait done in the classic style

739. painted on a toilet roll with a broom.

740. I tell you, I genuinely remember this as going well.

741. This is it next to Sarah's face.

742. I mean, it's got glasses on and some red lips.

743. I had a massive brush and toilet roll. I think it's all right.

744. Shall we take a look at John's sausage on loo roll picture?

745. Here it is.

746. Pretty good.

747. What does the green represent?

748. Those are the Irish mountains.

749. Do you wanna compare this to his actual face?

750. Go on.

751. It's good.

752. The guy on the left does look like he's wearing

753. those joke glasses and nose, God bless.

754. It's a bit Mr Potato head, isn't it?

755. But I think the rosy cheeks

756. represent how John's always laughing.

757. But the eyes represent

758. how deep down there's a great crushing sadness.

759. I really think it's excellent.

760. Thank you. Who is next?

761. Last one to see is of course Munya wielding

762. a toothbrush on a wheelie bin.

763. Wow. Why do you have long boobs?

764. No, I wanted to paint with a sausage,

765. but I have a bit of a sausage phobia because when I was at uni

766. I was so scared of going into my overdraft I used

767. to buy 30 sausages for 15p.

768. And as you can imagine, there weren't any sausage in them.

769. Where did you buy 50 sausages for 15p?

770. Calm down, calm down, calm down. Calm down, calm down.

771. What time we finishing?

772. Do you wanna see Munya next to Munya?

773. It's just weird... It's just weird, Munya.

774. There we go.

775. Oh, identical. Identical!

776. Let's get these done quickly.

777. All right, well, look, here are all five.

778. Forgive me, Sarah.

779. As much as I enjoy your haunted face coming through a brown roller brush,

780. one point to Sarah Millican.

781. Right.

782. Now, this is interesting.

783. Look at Dara! Look at Dara.

784. It's Dara, isn't it?

785. Well, I think so.

786. There's never been less expression in anything.

787. Two points to Dara.

788. And whatever that old bloated bin body... Three points.

789. Three points to Munya, OK.

790. Yes. I'm giving John Kearns four points.

791. Four points to John.

792. And the undeniably excellent sausage-work of Fern Brady.

793. Five points.

794. Congratulations, Fern.

795. Quick look at the scores.

796. I can tell you she's not won an episode yet

797. but Fern is in the lead with 20 points.

798. OK, everyone, please make your way to the stage

799. for the final task of the show!

800. Who's gonna read the final task out today?

801. Munya Chawawa.

802. Tie your towel as tightly as possible around your body.

803. You have 30 seconds.

804. Pretty straightforward. You have 30 seconds.

805. Everyone ready?

806. And they're off, Greg.

807. Yep.

808. Different methods as always.

809. We've got neck, we've got ankles, we've got waists.

810. There's a second part to this, right?

811. Would have thought so.

812. Off you go, Munya.

813. OK.

814. Place your hands on your head.

815. Oh, no, you have to as well.

816. OK, all right.

817. Place your hands on your heads

818. and keep them there until the end of the task.

819. Get your towel completely in your bucket.

820. Fastest wins.

821. Start on the whistle, please.

822. What a terrible decision I've made!

823. Good luck.

824. It must be off your body. It must be off your body.

825. Off your body.

826. We have one. We have one.

827. Oh, no!

828. There's nothing I can do!

829. Go on, Sarah. It's coming, it's coming.

830. You are.

831. I feel like a horse.

832. Yes, you look like a horse.

833. It's getting looser.

834. We've got number two, number two's going in. Number two has gone in.

835. Oh, I'm so tired!

836. I am genuinely worried about John.

837. Yes, there is progress.

838. I'm so tired.

839. I can't do anything.

840. It's in. It's in.

841. I tell you now, Sarah's gonna be there for the rest of her life.

842. I did the first part of the task really well.

843. Time's up.

844. Let's add it all up and add it to your final scores.

845. Come and join me.

846. Well, well, well.

847. Some of them tied it too tight in the end.

848. Yes, but that means they did the first part of the task very well.

849. Very well. Too well for John and Sarah who came in joint fourth.

850. Fern valiantly in third place,

851. Munya in second place

852. but Dara O Briain gets the five points. He won the task!

853. Which means Dara on 22,

854. Fern also on 22 and one, it's 23.

855. She's won the episode!

856. Fern wins.

857. The underestimated items are all yours to evaluate.

858. So, what have we learnt today?

859. We've learnt that if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

860. And to prove that point I'd like to end the show

861. with another success story.

862. I've been working with him in the break,

863. and now to finish the show, it's over to John.

864. HE WHISTLES

865. Hey, it's the final next. How did that happen?

866. But for now, please applaud tonight's winner one more time.

867. It's Fern Brady!