Taskmaster 14x8

1. This programme contains strong language and adult humour

2. Shut up!

3. Oh, be care... Oh.

4. Hello!

5. Welcome, everybody.

6. I'm Greg Davies, and this is Taskmaster.

7. Lazy journalists often ask me,

8. "Hey, Greg, what would you be like as a competitor on Taskmaster?"

9. And my answer is always the same.

10. "Does your mum like being kissed with that dirty mouth?

11. "Huh? Does she?"

12. I'm the Taskmaster!

13. Before every series, I spend six months training

14. with Shaolin monks in the hills of China.

15. What should I use my jacked body to throw toilet paper

16. around Gatwick airport?

17. Should I use these skills to throw cottage pie through a big pipe?

18. Ahh!

19. I doubt it!

20. Fortunately for you, there are five people here

21. who will take on such challenges.

22. They are Dara O Briain...

23. .. Fern Brady...

24. .. John Kearns...

25. .. Munya Chawawa...

26. .. and Sarah Millican.

27. And next to me, the man who has the answer to the question,

28. "What do you get if you cross a really boring chemistry teacher

29. "with another really boring chemistry teacher?"

30. It's... little Alex Horne!

31. Thanks, everyone. Hi, Greg.

32. Hello.

33. Ooh! I love spending time with you.

34. Banter time. Let's do it. Let's do one.

35. L-Let's just play a game of, erm, of minds, noughts, and crosses.

36. Do you want to do that? Could you? Would you?

37. Sure. OK. I'm noughts.

38. OK.

39. Is it my go? Uh-huh.

40. I wouldn't have done that.

41. It's your board.

42. OK.

43. Oh, no. Yeah.

44. Alex? Yes, Greg?

45. I've got an erection.

46. Oh.

47. Right! On with the prize task.

48. Well, this week, you've asked them to bring in

49. the best fancy dress.

50. Greg will judge the best fancy dress, and then, the winner of

51. the episode will take home five very fancy dresses.

52. Simple as that. Right. Fern.

53. I am dressed as an alien dressed as a Scottish man.

54. Yes, this is Fern's fancy dress. Have a look.

55. Oh-ho, my God!

56. You know when you get these, like, educational films for children?

57. This was a film where -

58. there's a Scottish book called The Cone Gatherers

59. about two brothers.

60. And for some reason, I was an alien that inhabited

61. the character of the book.

62. But I'm not what people would call a thespian,

63. and I got shot dead in the end.

64. Right. Wh-Why was the alien shot?

65. I was shot cos I wasn't meant to be gathering cones in the forest.

66. I feel like possibly my drinks have been spiked.

67. Incredible. Good luck, Dara.

68. I brought in a, er, plague doctor's mask.

69. This is Dara wearing his plague doctor's costume.

70. Ooh, I find that immediately unsettling.

71. We have got a close-up of the mask.

72. That's the actual mask, the plague doctor's mask.

73. But the plague doctors mask has no air holes in it,

74. so really quickly, the windows steam up, er,

75. and you have to keep reaching your hand into it and windscreen wiping

76. the little glass windows.

77. So that was bad.

78. I then started lifting it up onto my head, so people go,

79. "What, are you a unicorn?"

80. That's genuinely creepy.

81. It's quite a thing. John.

82. Do you like fancy dress?

83. I don't enjoy it at all.

84. Neither do I.

85. So, what I do is I bring in my pocket...

86. .. an inflatable walking stick.

87. You can be Charlie Chaplin...

88. .. Willy Wonka...

89. .. the bloke from Up.

90. I don't like giving you one point in this round, do you know that?

91. Well, I don't think it deserves one point, even though

92. it clearly says "one" up there.

93. Munya. Yes? I feel good about this. OK.

94. So, I have brought in the most accurate replica of

95. a space suit ever made.

96. Accurate.

97. And just to try and tip you over to five points,

98. I've actually got a video of me in the suit.

99. It's not bad, Munya. It's not bad. Sarah?

100. So, from the age of 16 to 21, I worked at WH Smiths.

101. And every Christmas Eve, we were allowed to get dressed up.

102. And then, one of the years, nobody else wanted to -

103. apart from me and my friend.

104. So, we decided to do bad taste... Oof.

105. .. and borrowed some clothes from my friend's mum.

106. Sorry.

107. And we wore them.

108. And nobody noticed.

109. We just looked like we were from South Shields,

110. which is where we were.

111. I don't think it's that bad. I'd wear that.

112. All right, then, scoring time.

113. The trouble is, I like the spirit of John's -

114. but it's obviously the worst fancy dress, isn't it? Oh, my miles.

115. Yeah, by a country mile. Give him one point.

116. I don't think Sarah's dress is that fancy.

117. I'm going to give her two points.

118. Because Dara's and Munya's are shop-bought fancy dress,

119. I'm going to give them three points. Three points each?

120. Yes, because we all know there's got to be a gulf between anything

121. and that... bloody alien boy.

122. All right. Five points. Five points.

123. Yes, finally!

124. OK, what does the first task involve?

125. It involves dash, dot, dash, dot,

126. dash, dash, dash, dash, dot, dot, dot. Dot.

127. Hello, John. Yeah.

128. Fern. Hiya.

129. Dara. Ooh!

130. Excuse me. Yes, do the table.

131. Nothing your side? No.

132. Nothing this side.

133. Is everyone well? Yeah, you know. Straight in.

134. "Come up with a secret language that doesn't use words.

135. "You have ten minutes, after which one of you must go to the lab.

136. "Your time starts now."

137. What if we had, like, broader categories,

138. so this could be, like, punch?

139. Why is that your first word?

140. So, punch... No! No.

141. I'm not going with this.

142. So, that can be "yes".

143. Oh, that could be "no," yeah.

144. You, me, us, hard, yeah...

145. .. hard, medium, gently.

146. One of my key words in my life is not "gently"!

147. You know, the most common word in the world is, er...

148. Right, what're we going to do?

149. It's very difficult when you don't know what you'll be talking about.

150. Yeah, it is actually, yeah. Use common words.

151. It's like "ergh" or something.

152. Oh, Jesus.

153. Do, or noun?

154. What, you and me, nouns now?

155. A to E is yellow.

156. I'll give you an instruction. So...

157. So...

158. I.

159. Verb.

160. Oh, no, you named it. I, verb, medium.

161. What you, then do is you get these sticks, and you use that

162. for the subject matter.

163. There's literally no fault in this method.

164. A, B, C, D, E, F... Yes, yes, yes, yes!

165. And then, for the letter you use.

166. ..T, U, V. So... You use the number.

167. You add a stick.

168. I don't know if you're a genius or a madman.

169. If we get this right, then it means the code works, OK?

170. If we get this right, it'll be a bloody miracle.

171. Munya, please go to the lab. Oh-ho-ho, good luck!

172. The team of two. Mm. Yeah?

173. The first word was suggested by Munya was the word "punch".

174. Yeah, out of all the words... That was his first word.

175. That's his first word - and he followed it up with "lick".

176. Yeah, but most situations can be solved by a punch or a lick.

177. Tell me any situation. Now?

178. Actually, you're right.

179. There you go.

180. What's this, John,

181. "The most commonly used word in the world is 'ergh'..."?

182. I, er, I heard it on the radio.

183. And... And everyone anywhere in the world understands "ergh".

184. What? I-I don't understand it now.

185. Let's see it in action, come on.

186. Yeah, let's see the "I-verb-medium" team. It's Sarah and Munya.

187. "Secretly give this instruction to your team mate.

188. "You may not say or write any other words in the instruction.

189. "Fastest wins.

190. "Your time starts as soon as you walk through the door,

191. "and stops when the instruction's carried out by your team mate."

192. Should be easy.

193. Time has started.

194. You. Mm-hm.

195. Verb.

196. Mouse? Er, speak?

197. Shout? Eat?

198. You... you feed!

199. Mm!

200. Noun.

201. God, I hope there's a "hard" or a "gently" coming up soon.

202. You feed... the cat?

203. You feed... a giraffe?

204. Ohh! You feed the giraffe.

205. You feed the giraffe - oh, and... this is horrifically working.

206. Is there punch coming up? Because I know that one.

207. You feed the giraffe and...

208. .. elephant.

209. Is that it?

210. Three.

211. You feed the giraffe and elephant

212. down along three times...

213. ..in the clown's mouth?

214. Jesus Christ!

215. We done it!

216. Yeah? OK.

217. Three.

218. I've stopped the clock. Oh, my God! Well done!

219. I was a bit disappointed that no-one got fed hard or punched.

220. but what looks like absolute chaos worked a treat.

221. I'm still surprised that it worked, and I was there.

222. Right. Find someone to spoon for five minutes,

223. because we're going to have an advert break. Alex!

224. Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster -

225. where there's a code-creating task on the go.

226. No, I don't think so, Greg.

227. I'm just kidding, there is!

228. The team of two's unorthodox codes seem to work.

229. In the end, they fed three giraffes and an elephant to the clown.

230. Let's see how Dara, Fern, and John got on.

231. B-B-A.

232. F.

233. Yes!

234. Right I think that's B.

235. C!

236. What? Why are you holding two sticks?

237. Is it A? Is it B?

238. Is it C? Is it D?

239. Is it E?

240. It is! Oh, I think the next letter is D.

241. B, B!

242. I don't understand.

243. I don't know what is it!

244. T. OK we're back, we're back, we're back, we're back,

245. we're back, we're back. H!

246. Is it R? Yeah.

247. Is the next one E?

248. Yeah, E.

249. Feed... three...

250. Ducks?

251. Sheep?

252. E that means E. Yeah.

253. There's been, so far, five Es. X!

254. Well, that can only be L, M, or N.

255. Elephant.

256. Ooh, maybe. That's a P.

257. Is it elephant? No, he can't say that, we have to...

258. N, so the language works.

259. The language does work. Save three elephants, and...

260. Oh, giraffe. Oh, here we go.

261. Next word, please.

262. A.

263. C. How is it C? I-I...

264. How was it C? Cos it is.

265. Oh! L. It's clown!

266. "Feed three elephants, and a giraffe to the clown?"

267. Christ Almighty.

268. My impression formed of you non-dingers -

269. Fern was of more used to you on this occasion.

270. Fern was a joy to work with, a pleasure to be around.

271. we were on the same wavelength, we worked really, really well.

272. Yeah, that's all I want to say about that task. Er...

273. And if you wanted to go to a fancy dress with one of them,

274. you'd go with her right? I would, I would. I mean, and...

275. You wouldn't take some prick with a blow-up walking stick.

276. John, anything you want to say in your defence?

277. My brain doesn't work like that.

278. It doesn't work.

279. Oh, never mind.

280. Maybe there's some points to be had.

281. Well, as you saw, Fern and John fed three elephants and a giraffe

282. to the clown, but Sarah fed one elephant and three giraffes

283. to the clown. So, only one of them's got it right.

284. Whichever team turn out to have fed the correct animals into the clown

285. will get five points, and if they fed the wrong animals to the clown,

286. there will be no points. No points.

287. What? Cos the task wouldn't have been completed.

288. Feels harsh. But I don't know who did it.

289. You could still be a nicer person.

290. So, the team of three thinks it's three elephants.

291. If they're right, they win.

292. "Feed three elephants and a giraffe to the clown."

293. "Feed three giraffes and an elephant to the clown."

294. Which means the team of two win five points each! Oh, wow!

295. That's crushing. That is tough.

296. That is, er, entirely my fault

297. and I apologise about everything I said about John. Er...

298. Let's have the scoreboard.

299. Yes. Munya, of course, yet to win an episode, as has Fern -

300. but they're both in with a shot in this one.

301. Fern is on 5, Munya's in the lead with 8 points! Yes!

302. Come on!

303. Right, what is next, please?

304. Well, there's something pretty alluring.

305. Mm!

306. Hi. Hi, Sarah. Hello.

307. Hello, Fern. Can I walk in like that?

308. Wow, that was really nice.

309. Right.

310. "Pin an alluring tail on the alluring animal while blindfolded."

311. "Pin the tail on the donkey."

312. "You have 15 minutes to find the alluring animal."

313. Ooh, "Make an alluring tail."

314. "Put your alluring tail on the tail station,

315. "and prepare to pin your alluring tail on the alluring animal."

316. Blindfolded!

317. "Starting from here. Fastest wins."

318. You have to now try to find the alluring animal.

319. What animals do you find alluring?

320. The Cadbury's, er, bunny.

321. It's out the front!

322. Aha!

323. Is it him?

324. So, that's the alluring animal?

325. Is it alluring?

326. No, I'm not a pervert.

327. So, now we need an alluring tail.

328. So, the tail station is that circle in the middle of the lawn.

329. What's in here that might be sexy?

330. I mean, that's quite an alluring tail in itself.

331. What about flowers up its butt?

332. That's lovely.

333. I'll use this. What is it, a toilet brush?

334. It looks kind of used.

335. No, don't sniff it.

336. The Cadbury's bunny, yeah?

337. Well, she's fictional, so that's all right.

338. So, it's pin the tail on the donkey,

339. but we gave them 15 minutes to prepare their tail.

340. But that's really a distraction from preparing their route

341. from tail to tiger.

342. Good. Let's begin with good ol' Dara and good, young Munya.

343. Alex. Yes?

344. Do you know what I'm going to do?

345. No. I'm going to make a long path.

346. Right, OK.

347. I need to keep to the right-hand side of this.

348. Take this as far as you can.

349. OK, stop. All right.

350. Drop. Drop? Right, I'm ready.

351. Right. I have to go back and sit down, don't I? Yes, please.

352. When I blow the whistle, you must pin your alluring tail

353. on the alluring animal.

354. Just need to find the door.

355. OK. Corridor...

356. .. and then, out here. Now it's the steps.

357. OK. Whoa.

358. I can hear my voice pinging off some sort of dome.

359. Turn 90 degrees.

360. One, two, three... there.

361. Ohh, not quite.

362. That's how this has to happen.

363. Aha! Right.

364. It's about keeping a low centre of gravity, Alex.

365. I can see that.

366. Like a coiled hedgehog.

367. Piano, piano, piano.

368. Yes! Ready? Push!

369. Yeah! Stop the clock.

370. The head of alluring animal, bum of alluring animal. Saucy.

371. I've stopped the clock. Thank you, Dara.

372. I'm not sure how alluring Munya's tiger was

373. after it had been violently tailed.

374. Let's have a look at his alluring tiger after it had been tailed.

375. No, but the thing is, in my defence,

376. if that is a toilet brush...

377. Toilet brushes go near bottoms, which are alluring.

378. You know you don't clean your bum with a toilet brush, don't you?

379. And you certainly don't clean your bum with

380. a toilet brush that deeply.

381. You were on your feet most of the time, Dara,

382. and I hope you don't take what I've written down as an insult here.

383. I'm clearly about to have to take that as an insult, but go on.

384. I've put, "Dara has a very upright, dainty walk for a big man."

385. Full stop. "Like one of those Spanish horses that can dance."

386. You got some times? I do. Dara, three minutes exactly.

387. Munya, two minutes and six seconds.

388. In the lead at the moment, so well done, Munya.

389. OK, Fern and Sarah now.

390. So, can I just go in here and be blindfolded?

391. Yeah, when you come out, though, you'll be coming out the front.

392. Did you want to - are you having a practice? What are you doing?

393. Huh? Do you just want to start?

394. Yes! OK, I'm coming.

395. What are you waiting for?

396. What are we waiting for? Yeah.

397. Your time starts... now.

398. Do be careful.

399. I don't have very good spatial awareness when I'm not blindfolded.

400. Right.

401. Ah, there we go there's the door.

402. Oh! No, that's not the door.

403. So, this was where the 18 started. So, one, two...

404. Ohh-ho-ho, no!

405. What's your system now, Fern?

406. I just have to keep waving my arms.

407. Right.

408. Oh, there's the globe.

409. Is the house there? I don't think so.

410. If the hedge is there...

411. Is the hedge there? No.

412. So, there's a wagon wheel, and then, it's four steps.

413. I'm going to shuffle till I hit it with my feet.

414. Feels minging.

415. Oh! OK, OK, OK.

416. Oh! I found my tail.

417. I should've counted how many steps. Why didn't I do this bit?

418. Am I going to walk into anything?

419. Where do you think you are? Near the piano.

420. Right. Am I not? No.

421. Where is it? Where is it?

422. Ooh.

423. Argh, God!

424. Oh, that's the cow!

425. Ooh, hello. Are you here?

426. Where is it? Where is it?

427. Ah, there he is!

428. I'll feel the heat of its body.

429. Argh! Done.

430. I've stopped the clock.

431. There we go. Done.

432. I've stopped the clock, Fern.

433. You... oh.

434. Two very contrasting styles.

435. Sarah used a step-counting system to complete the task

436. with reasonable efficiency.

437. Fern stumbled around waving her hands in front of her

438. whilst shouting, "Where am I?"

439. You're following this narrative that I don't have systems,

440. and I just flounder around.

441. What was the system, then?

442. Well... there might not have been a system.

443. I was going to use the one that bats do, where you, like,

444. make a clicking sound.

445. And I would've been far kinder in my summary if you had.

446. OK, well, Sarah's method sort of worked.

447. She just felt her way there in nine minutes and 40 seconds.

448. OK. Yeah, not good.

449. Not great, but comparatively not bad.

450. Fern, you took 13 minutes

451. and 53 seconds to cover 25 metres.

452. If you did the marathon at that rate,

453. it would take 16 days and eight hours.

454. Three, two, one, advertising!

455. Hello! Here we are again, for the third part of the show.

456. Ooh, nice work, Greg. Someone's been practising.

457. Before the break, the five competitors were trying to plan

458. how best to pin a tail on an alluring animal once blindfolded.

459. Fern Brady does not make plans.

460. Now finally, what will John Kearns do?

461. You think a blindfold's going to do me?

462. In we go.

463. Your time starts...

464. Right, now I've planned for this.

465. I don't remember it being this far away.

466. Well, I left it here.

467. Have you moved it? No.

468. No. "No," he says.

469. It's there, John. It's not there.

470. Where am I there? I'm at the door!

471. Well, it's there. Well, OK.

472. It's right there. Well, pick it up, then.

473. Aha! Oh.

474. Where's the string?

475. Where's the tail?

476. The tail was on top of the tail station.

477. Yeah, it still is. The bits of... no, it's not.

478. It's not because I just picked up the tail station.

479. You soiled my planning!

480. I tell you, I thought I was doing this in under a minute or something.

481. Is that the piano? Yes.

482. Stop the clock. Well done, John.

483. I don't quite know what went wrong, cos it looked really promising.

484. It... the... I don't know, I...

485. It just disappeared.

486. Then I accused the team of...

487. Yeah, you were very cross.

488. You thought we'd moved your tail. You were convinced, yeah.

489. I got a bit angry, I apologise. For a couple of hours.

490. I think that, once you did find the tail,

491. you walked away like a grandfather in a sitcom.

492. Could be wrong. Let's see if he did.

493. Tell me some times.

494. Yes, well, 1 point to Fern, with her 13 minutes, 53. Oh, no.

495. 2 points to Sarah,

496. then it was John, with his eight minutes and 12 seconds.

497. Dara, of course, three minutes -

498. but the fastest by quite some distance was Munya.

499. He gets another 5 points! Wow.

500. Wow. Right, another one.

501. OK, yes, and I have an extremely handy one ready now.

502. So, let's see it.

503. That's my hand... that's my hand...

504. That's my hand.

505. OK, this is sinister.

506. Munya. I brought a little, er, comfort animal along.

507. I've abducted him.

508. Place your hand on the table.

509. Ooh! Ergh.

510. "Find the back of your hand."

511. Oh, no!

512. "Fewest wrong guesses wins."

513. "You have a maximum of 20 minutes."

514. "And your time starts when Alex does a hand pun."

515. I think I should be able to do it,

516. cos I have really big, weird hands

517. that look like a roofer's.

518. All hands on deck.

519. Just to reassure you, you are in safe hands.

520. Was that a pun? Yeah. OK.

521. You are going to have to do it single-handedly.

522. Just explain what they have to do.

523. Yes, so on the very first day they arrived in the house,

524. I took a polaroid of their hands.

525. Yeah. In that garage, there were 3,000 other hands.

526. Hands of our viewers, in fact.

527. Thank you for sending your hands in, if you did.

528. The first people we'll see have some very similar hands -

529. all four, lovely and soft, it's Dara and John.

530. I remember, erm, someone's dessert island discs

531. who's playing the piano.

532. He was looking down at his hands...

533. .. and he realised he was looking at his fathers' hands.

534. You know, I'm looking for not just my hands, but my dad's hands.

535. I don't think your dad's hands are here.

536. Oh, Jesus Christ.

537. Is there any clue?

538. "For sale - reject boards. 100 guesses."

539. So, I can tell you which boards it's not,

540. but it will cost you 100 guesses for each board.

541. That's not a good deal. OK.

542. There's got to be something clever with this, there's got to be

543. some other way of doing this.

544. What's that? Oh, I wouldn't touch that, but...

545. What'd you say? I said, "I wouldn't touch that."

546. It's that hand, so there'd be no ring on it.

547. Place your hand there, please. Your left hand.

548. It's that hand, so there'd be no ring on it.

549. Whose hands are those?

550. Is that your first guess? Yeah.

551. Wrong. Fu...

552. Right, eliminate two boards.

553. Well, there's a dog there.

554. These are all wrong fingers, if you want to dip in there.

555. Yep. These two.

556. Left pinky, right pinky.

557. 200 guesses.

558. That's half your time gone.

559. How many boards are there? Eight.

560. I want to get rid of seven.

561. Here's what we'll do, two more.

562. Gone! I'm not on there, I'm not on there,

563. I'm not on there, I'm not on there.

564. Not on there... not on there...

565. I'm there. You now have 701 guesses.

566. That one.

567. No.

568. Is it that one? No.

569. Right, you're saying "no" quickly.

570. It can't be somewhere where you're stood over there, and you can go,

571. "Yeah, it's that one."

572. Is it that one? No.

573. Is it that one? No.

574. Ah, you paused there. It's around here.

575. You have 30 seconds.

576. I'm going to go mad, staring at these.

577. That. No. That. No. That. No.

578. That. No. That. No.

579. It's around here. You started...

580. .. pissing yourself around here.

581. Is... that one?

582. Come on!

583. That. No.

584. That... that.

585. Is it that one?No.

586. Too many hands.

587. They all look the same.

588. Where is my hand?

589. Thank you, Dara.

590. It's not fair... there's so many hands.

591. John, you know that whole "dad's hands" thing? Yep.

592. Yeah, what were you on about?

593. Er, Russell Watson. Yeah.

594. So, he said he was playing the piano one day, and then, he looked down,

595. and he was like, "God, I've got my dad's' hands."

596. What you're saying is the opera singer Russell Watson...

597. .. said in an interview you saw with him, he realises his hands

598. looks like his dad's,

599. and that affected your system here of looking for your hands

600. when you had your own fucking hands in front of you?

601. Why bring your dad into this at all?

602. It's easier to look for your dad's hands than your own.

603. Dara, you hampered yourself by picking the wrong hand.

604. See, I made the mistake, I was looking for my auntie's hands.

605. Because Placido Domingo said to me once...

606. John, at one point, I'm fairly sure that you chose a Black hand.

607. Those were my dad's.

608. Advert time!

609. If your partner is off making the tea and they've got PJs on,

610. why not sneak up behind them and pull their PJs down and shout,

611. "Look, kids, the moon is disgusting tonight!"

612. It's your break, do what you want.

613. We'll see you in a minute.

614. Hello, everyone!

615. Welcome back to the closing part of today's show.

616. There was a creepy task in play, I believe. You're right, Greg.

617. I got pictures of loads of hands, stuck them on a wall,

618. and then, locked the competitors in the garage with them.

619. I'm so weird.

620. Next to try and find their hands amongst over 3,000 other hands

621. are Munya and Fern.

622. High five.

623. Oh, yeah.

624. Hey, wait a minute!

625. Ooh.

626. So, we're looking for a fat, square palm...

627. Ooh, that hand's horrible!

628. That's like a demon's hands.

629. So, there's two mirrors - one has a little square in it, one's plain.

630. So, surely, I need to ping it off the second mirror, don't I?

631. Now if I get it at just the right angle,

632. it will point directly at my hand.

633. Yes, there you go.

634. That ain't my hand.

635. "For sale - reject boards."

636. Yeah, can you do that?

637. Left, middle, and right pinky.

638. Oh, you lot think you're smart.

639. Aha!

640. Because I'm stretching, is this boiler suit giving me a camel toe?

641. Yo, hey, don't pan down, man, what are you doing?

642. Would you like to rule out any more boards, Fern?

643. Yes, left wedding.

644. Right, middle. Left index.

645. OK.

646. What in the hell?

647. So, now I've gone from having to look for my own hand

648. to a tiny pinprick of laser.

649. This one? That's not your hand. Yeah, too fat.

650. Aha, yes!

651. You know what? This is my hand.

652. I've stopped the clock.

653. This one! This hand.

654. That is your hand. That's my hand!

655. Come on!

656. Really dug out one hand in particular,

657. but it was a strange-looking hand, to be fair.

658. Yeah, so I insulted a lot of the hands,

659. but that's just speaking as a person who hates my own hands.

660. Yes, she was looking for a hand that was dehydrated.

661. She said, "What face does my hand make?"

662. and, "My hand doesn't bulge."

663. Did I say that? Uh-huh, and then, you asked,

664. "Who invented right and left, and what's it for?" I did!

665. Munya, I thought watching you in action was like watching

666. an episode of CSI, right up until the point you announced

667. you had a camel toe.

668. When I used to go to Laser Quest, in Norwich,

669. every time I used to go, it was full of, like, ex-Marines.

670. So, I'd always just be killed instantly.

671. So, what I had to do is I had to learn to get into little corners

672. and look for reflective surfaces,

673. and then, ping them off the top like that.

674. So I walked into there and I've gone,

675. "This is what the training was for."

676. Munya took one guess, got it right.

677. Wow! So, it'll be tough to beat.

678. How many guesses did Fern take to find her big old hands?

679. So, she used 504 guesses.

680. Oh, right. Who's left? It's Sarah Millican.

681. I know how I had my hand photographed.

682. How was that?

683. Everybody else is going to do that, so I'm going to do that.

684. OK.

685. That should help. It should help, shouldn't it?

686. Cos it should stand out more...

687. .. than all the losers who've just put their hand normal.

688. No, OK.

689. It's weird how hands don't look like hands any more

690. when you look at them so much,

691. and now, some of them just look like loads of parsnips.

692. Ah! Found it.

693. It's correct.

694. I don't know what say, it's just some sweet forward planning.

695. But obviously I didn't know what the task was going to be,

696. and I genuinely just thought it was funny to look like

697. I was wanking a cock.

698. I was just going for the joke.

699. Well, Sarah and Munya both just a single guess,

700. so they both get 5 points. Fern 4, the others 0.

701. Sarah and Munya are the winners! What a blow, well done!

702. Let's have a quick look at the scores.

703. Right, well, John rock-bottom with 4 points,

704. Munya rock-top with 18 points!

705. Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!

706. Who will be reading out the final task?

707. Dara O Briain. Hit it.

708. "Guess the fully-extended length of the extendible item.

709. "Closest to the fully-extended length wins."

710. Sounds pretty high-octane. Oh, yeah.

711. OK, so it's a team task.

712. We have little markers - if you make your guesses as a team,

713. but one of you can go out on the Knappett and put down

714. where they think it will go.

715. The other person has to stay on their spot.

716. And are we allowed to lie down to measure things?

717. Is that how you normally measure things?

718. We're going to start with the feather duster,

719. and Dara, you go first. OK.

720. I don't think you want me to do my catchphrase.

721. I want you to do your catchphrase. Let's smash it.

722. I think Fern agrees with that, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

723. I agree with it, as well, yeah.

724. Happy with that team? Yeah.

725. Right, so I want you to see - how many ridges has it got? Seven.

726. That's a lot, isn't it? I think further. Further?

727. Than they've got, yeah. Yeah, cos the thing is you've got

728. to get those extra-high cobwebs, no-one's getting a short cobweb.

729. Team of three has gone shorter, team of two further.

730. Are you going to invite me to extend?

731. Please use your own hands to extend.

732. He's off. Oh-ho-ho, he's off!

733. The team of two get the first points.

734. Now moving onto the dog lead -

735. and it's Sarah to measure first.

736. I think it's really long.

737. That's too far, because if you need to pull it back suddenly,

738. you shouldn't be having to do this.

739. No, I do that all the time, it's like pulling in the end of

740. a hoover and me dog flies back.

741. All right, go on, then, I trust you.

742. I've got it, I'm going to go quite far.

743. Are you s...? OK. Yeah. Just pull it back just a little bit.

744. No, she can't.

745. So, I really don't want to fall off this.

746. No, I don't want you to fall off this.

747. Here? Yeah, you go with your gut.

748. Let's extend.

749. Let's extend, straight to it. OK, here we go.

750. Ooh, look at that lovely confident extending.

751. Yeah, it's way longer.

752. What a brave boy. No, no.

753. Ah, you jester.

754. Ah, so it can go over. Over, I didn't know.

755. T-Too far.

756. The team of three. They take it.

757. We're moving on to tape measure.

758. A tape measure is meant to measure everything in the house.

759. So, that's going to go... so far.

760. What have you seen, John? Two times-ness.

761. What?

762. I'm tempted to not even move that.

763. Would it help if we got some Russell Watson played in?

764. No, nearer!

765. It's a jumbo one, this.

766. All right, so it's the team of two.

767. How about this? How about this?

768. Yeah, make sure it's in front of the thing, yeah.

769. Blocking them.

770. Let's extend.

771. Such a silly man.

772. That is it. Really?

773. Yes. Well, it does say "two times NES."

774. Two times NEs, so that's, of course, two times Noel Edmonds's.

775. All the information was on the tape measure.

776. So, the team of two gets another point. Congratulations.

777. I'm pretty excited about the ladder.

778. Is it the ladder now? It's ladder time, guys. Yeah!

779. Do you think that is the size of a house? I don't know.

780. I don't know a thing about ladders. Go over the thingy.

781. Go over the Knappett.

782. Right on the brink! Do you think? On the brink. On the brink?

783. I don't think its going to go that tall. Four seconds.

784. Can I move it in? Yeah, there, there.

785. There, there, there. There! OK.

786. Oh, wow.

787. What a rush!

788. Team of three, you do need to win this one.

789. Every section of that extends about that.

790. If we could lay Dara end-to-end...

791. That's a big if.

792. I think Dara's using his own system.

793. I just heard someone say, "Oh, no, up there."

794. Let's extend.

795. It's going to go way past both, is my prediction.

796. Ah, yes.

797. Oh, ooh, hello. Hello.

798. Oh, we're at the end. Oh, what?

799. I think it's perfect.

800. Team of three!

801. OK, so next one wins, Greg.

802. It's the red vacuum cleaner.

803. This time, it's being measured to where its face gets to.

804. Oh, so it's using the lead?

805. Exactly, we're measuring the extension lead. Ooh-wee!

806. Hello. I'm pissed with anticipation.

807. Team of two, you're going first.

808. I reckon this man is long enough to get to the edge.

809. Yeah. What do you think? I agree.

810. We have to commit. I-I feel like off the edge.

811. All right. Cool, there we go.

812. Bold. So bold.

813. Brave.

814. Well, cleaners use this, it's not for normal households.

815. He's found his marker.

816. Just on the edge.

817. Oh, he's gone bold. Three seconds. Are you happy, John?

818. Oh, yes! Come on!

819. Yes!

820. Two things - it was an act of madness.

821. And secondly, who'd have thought someone would make

822. this game genuinely exciting?

823. But when the whistle went...

824. .. the team of three were on the floor. Ooh.

825. I did see where you placed it,

826. and I think I've been true to that. Let's extend.

827. It's a short one. That's it.

828. Does that mean we win? The team of two win!

829. What's he talking about? That's as far as it goes.

830. Let's add that up and see how it's affected the final scores!

831. I've never heard of that before.

832. Oh! Well, all right, everyone's a bit cross about the trick vacuum.

833. Yeah.

834. In the end, the team of two get three points.

835. The team of three get two points.

836. So, well done, Sarah and Munya!

837. Wow.

838. Shall I tell you some scores? Yes, please.

839. Well, in the series - oh, wow,

840. Fern and John have exactly the same number of points, 113,

841. Munya 118 now,

842. Sarah on 141,

843. Dara on 142!

844. In this episode, John has 6 points.

845. Dara 9, Fern 12, Sarah 17,

846. Munya Chawawa has 21 points!

847. At last, Munya wins!

848. Please go and party with your fancy dress!

849. There's just two shows left, but just one winner tonight.

850. It is Munya Chawawa!