1. This programme contains strong
language and adult humourCopy !req
2. HE GRUNTSCopy !req
3. Shut up!Copy !req
4. Oh, be care... Oh.Copy !req
5. ALEX GROWLSCopy !req
6. Hello!Copy !req
7. Welcome, everybody.Copy !req
8. I'm Greg Davies,
and this is Taskmaster.Copy !req
9. Lazy journalists often ask me,Copy !req
10. "Hey, Greg, what would you be like
as a competitor on Taskmaster?"Copy !req
11. And my answer is always the same.Copy !req
12. "Does your mum like being kissed
with that dirty mouth?Copy !req
13. "Huh? Does she?"Copy !req
14. I'm the Taskmaster!Copy !req
15. Before every series,
I spend six months trainingCopy !req
16. with Shaolin monks in
the hills of China.Copy !req
17. What should I use my jacked body
to throw toilet paperCopy !req
18. around Gatwick airport?Copy !req
19. Should I use these skills to throw
cottage pie through a big pipe?Copy !req
20. Ahh!Copy !req
21. I doubt it!Copy !req
22. Fortunately for you,
there are five people hereCopy !req
23. who will take on such challenges.Copy !req
24. They are Dara O Briain...Copy !req
25. .. Fern Brady...Copy !req
26. .. John Kearns...Copy !req
27. .. Munya Chawawa...Copy !req
28. .. and Sarah Millican.Copy !req
29. And next to me, the man who has
the answer to the question,Copy !req
30. "What do you get if you cross
a really boring chemistry teacherCopy !req
31. "with another really boring
chemistry teacher?"Copy !req
32. It's...
little Alex Horne!Copy !req
33. Thanks, everyone. Hi, Greg.Copy !req
34. Hello.Copy !req
35. Ooh! I love spending time with you.Copy !req
36. Banter time. Let's do it.
Let's do one.Copy !req
37. L-Let's just play a game of, erm,
of minds, noughts, and crosses.Copy !req
38. Do you want to do that?
Could you? Would you?Copy !req
39. Sure. OK. I'm noughts.Copy !req
40. OK.Copy !req
41. Is it my go? Uh-huh.Copy !req
42. I wouldn't have done that.Copy !req
43. It's your board.Copy !req
44. OK.Copy !req
45. Oh, no. Yeah.Copy !req
46. Alex?
Yes, Greg?Copy !req
47. I've got an erection.Copy !req
48. Oh.Copy !req
49. Right! On with the prize task.Copy !req
50. Well, this week,
you've asked them to bring inCopy !req
51. the best fancy dress.Copy !req
52. Greg will judge the best fancy
dress, and then, the winner ofCopy !req
53. the episode will take home
five very fancy dresses.Copy !req
54. Simple as that. Right. Fern.Copy !req
55. I am dressed as an alien
dressed as a Scottish man.Copy !req
56. Yes, this is Fern's fancy dress.
Have a look.Copy !req
57. Oh-ho, my God!Copy !req
58. You know when you get these, like,
educational films for children?Copy !req
59. This was a film where -Copy !req
60. there's a Scottish book called
The Cone GatherersCopy !req
61. about two brothers.Copy !req
62. And for some reason,
I was an alien that inhabitedCopy !req
63. the character of the book.Copy !req
64. But I'm not what people
would call a thespian,Copy !req
65. and I got shot dead in the end.Copy !req
66. Right. Wh-Why was the alien shot?Copy !req
67. I was shot cos I wasn't meant to be
gathering cones in the forest.Copy !req
68. I feel like possibly
my drinks have been spiked.Copy !req
69. Incredible. Good luck, Dara.Copy !req
70. I brought in a, er,
plague doctor's mask.Copy !req
71. This is Dara wearing
his plague doctor's costume.Copy !req
72. Ooh, I find that
immediately unsettling.Copy !req
73. We have got a close-up of the mask.Copy !req
74. That's the actual mask,
the plague doctor's mask.Copy !req
75. But the plague doctors mask
has no air holes in it,Copy !req
76. so really quickly,
the windows steam up, er,Copy !req
77. and you have to keep reaching your
hand into it and windscreen wipingCopy !req
78. the little glass windows.Copy !req
79. So that was bad.Copy !req
80. I then started lifting it up
onto my head, so people go,Copy !req
81. "What, are you a unicorn?"Copy !req
82. That's genuinely creepy.Copy !req
83. It's quite a thing. John.Copy !req
84. Do you like fancy dress?Copy !req
85. I don't enjoy it at all.Copy !req
86. Neither do I.Copy !req
87. So, what I do is I bring
in my pocket...Copy !req
88. .. an inflatable walking stick.Copy !req
89. You can be Charlie Chaplin...Copy !req
90. .. Willy Wonka...Copy !req
91. .. the bloke from Up.Copy !req
92. I don't like giving you one point
in this round, do you know that?Copy !req
93. Well, I don't think it deserves
one point, even thoughCopy !req
94. it clearly says "one" up there.Copy !req
95. Munya. Yes?
I feel good about this. OK.Copy !req
96. So, I have brought in
the most accurate replica ofCopy !req
97. a space suit ever made.Copy !req
98. Accurate.Copy !req
99. And just to try and tip you
over to five points,Copy !req
100. I've actually got
a video of me in the suit.Copy !req
101. It's not bad, Munya.
It's not bad. Sarah?Copy !req
102. So, from the age of 16 to 21,
I worked at WH Smiths.Copy !req
103. And every Christmas Eve,
we were allowed to get dressed up.Copy !req
104. And then, one of the years,
nobody else wanted to -Copy !req
105. apart from me and my friend.Copy !req
106. So, we decided to do bad taste...
Oof.Copy !req
107. .. and borrowed some clothes
from my friend's mum.Copy !req
108. Sorry.Copy !req
109. And we wore them.Copy !req
110. And nobody noticed.Copy !req
111. We just looked like
we were from South Shields,Copy !req
112. which is where we were.Copy !req
113. I don't think it's that bad.
I'd wear that.Copy !req
114. All right, then, scoring time.Copy !req
115. The trouble is,
I like the spirit of John's -Copy !req
116. but it's obviously the worst
fancy dress, isn't it? Oh, my miles.Copy !req
117. Yeah, by a country mile.
Give him one point.Copy !req
118. I don't think Sarah's dress
is that fancy.Copy !req
119. I'm going to give her two points.Copy !req
120. Because Dara's and Munya's are
shop-bought fancy dress,Copy !req
121. I'm going to give them three points.
Three points each?Copy !req
122. Yes, because we all know there's
got to be a gulf between anythingCopy !req
123. and that... bloody alien boy.Copy !req
124. All right. Five points. Five points.Copy !req
125. Yes, finally!Copy !req
126. OK, what does
the first task involve?Copy !req
127. It involves dash, dot, dash, dot,Copy !req
128. dash, dash, dash, dash,
dot, dot, dot. Dot.Copy !req
129. Hello, John. Yeah.Copy !req
130. Fern. Hiya.Copy !req
131. Dara. Ooh!Copy !req
132. Excuse me. Yes, do the table.Copy !req
133. Nothing your side? No.Copy !req
134. Nothing this side.Copy !req
135. Is everyone well?
Yeah, you know. Straight in.Copy !req
136. "Come up with a secret language
that doesn't use words.Copy !req
137. "You have ten minutes, after which
one of you must go to the lab.Copy !req
138. "Your time starts now."Copy !req
139. What if we had, like,
broader categories,Copy !req
140. so this could be, like, punch?Copy !req
141. Why is that your first word?Copy !req
142. So, punch... No! No.Copy !req
143. I'm not going with this.Copy !req
144. So, that can be "yes".Copy !req
145. Oh, that could be "no," yeah.Copy !req
146. You, me, us, hard, yeah...Copy !req
147. .. hard, medium, gently.Copy !req
148. One of my key words in my life
is not "gently"!Copy !req
149. You know, the most common word
in the world is, er...Copy !req
150. Right, what're we going to do?Copy !req
151. It's very difficult when you don't
know what you'll be talking about.Copy !req
152. Yeah, it is actually, yeah.
Use common words.Copy !req
153. It's like "ergh" or something.Copy !req
154. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
155. Do, or noun?Copy !req
156. What, you and me, nouns now?Copy !req
157. A to E is yellow.Copy !req
158. I'll give you an instruction. So...Copy !req
159. So...
BELL DINGSCopy !req
160. I.Copy !req
161. Verb.Copy !req
162. Oh, no, you named it.
I, verb, medium.Copy !req
163. What you, then do is you get
these sticks, and you use thatCopy !req
164. for the subject matter.Copy !req
165. There's literally no
fault in this method.Copy !req
166. A, B, C, D, E, F...
Yes, yes, yes, yes!Copy !req
167. And then, for the letter you use.Copy !req
168. ..T, U, V. So...
You use the number.Copy !req
169. You add a stick.Copy !req
170. I don't know if you're
a genius or a madman.Copy !req
171. If we get this right,
then it means the code works, OK?Copy !req
172. If we get this right,
it'll be a bloody miracle.Copy !req
173. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
174. Munya, please go to the lab.
Oh-ho-ho, good luck!Copy !req
175. The team of two. Mm. Yeah?Copy !req
176. The first word was suggested by
Munya was the word "punch".Copy !req
177. Yeah, out of all the words...
That was his first word.Copy !req
178. That's his first word -
and he followed it up with "lick".Copy !req
179. Yeah, but most situations can be
solved by a punch or a lick.Copy !req
180. Tell me any situation. Now?Copy !req
181. Actually, you're right.Copy !req
182. There you go.Copy !req
183. What's this, John,Copy !req
184. "The most commonly used word
in the world is 'ergh'..."?Copy !req
185. I, er, I heard it on the radio.Copy !req
186. And... And everyone anywhere in
the world understands "ergh".Copy !req
187. What?
I-I don't understand it now.Copy !req
188. Let's see it in action, come on.Copy !req
189. Yeah, let's see the "I-verb-medium"
team. It's Sarah and Munya.Copy !req
190. "Secretly give this instruction
to your team mate.Copy !req
191. "You may not say or write
any other words in the instruction.Copy !req
192. "Fastest wins.Copy !req
193. "Your time starts as soon as
you walk through the door,Copy !req
194. "and stops when the instruction's
carried out by your team mate."Copy !req
195. Should be easy.Copy !req
196. Time has started.Copy !req
197. You. Mm-hm.Copy !req
198. Verb.Copy !req
199. Mouse? Er, speak?Copy !req
200. Shout? Eat?Copy !req
201. You... you feed!Copy !req
202. Mm!Copy !req
203. Noun.Copy !req
204. God, I hope there's a "hard"
or a "gently" coming up soon.Copy !req
205. You feed... the cat?Copy !req
206. You feed... a giraffe?Copy !req
207. Ohh! You feed the giraffe.Copy !req
208. You feed the giraffe - oh,
and... this is horrifically working.Copy !req
209. Is there punch coming up?
Because I know that one.Copy !req
210. You feed the giraffe and...Copy !req
211. .. elephant.
HE CLAPSCopy !req
212. Is that it?Copy !req
213. Three.Copy !req
214. You feed the giraffe and elephantCopy !req
215. down along three times...Copy !req
216. ..in the clown's mouth?Copy !req
217. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
218. We done it!Copy !req
219. Yeah? OK.Copy !req
220. Three.Copy !req
221. I've stopped the clock.
Oh, my God! Well done!Copy !req
222. I was a bit disappointed that
no-one got fed hard or punched.Copy !req
223. but what looks like absolute
chaos worked a treat.Copy !req
224. I'm still surprised that it worked,
and I was there.Copy !req
225. Right. Find someone to spoon
for five minutes,Copy !req
226. because we're going to have
an advert break. Alex!Copy !req
227. Hello! Welcome back
to Taskmaster -Copy !req
228. where there's a code-creating
task on the go.Copy !req
229. No, I don't think so, Greg.Copy !req
230. I'm just kidding, there is!Copy !req
231. The team of two's unorthodox
codes seem to work.Copy !req
232. In the end, they fed three giraffes
and an elephant to the clown.Copy !req
233. Let's see how Dara, Fern,
and John got on.Copy !req
234. B-B-A.Copy !req
235. F.Copy !req
236. Yes!Copy !req
237. BELL RINGSCopy !req
238. Right I think that's B.Copy !req
239. C!Copy !req
240. What? Why are you holding
two sticks?Copy !req
241. Is it A? Is it B?Copy !req
242. Is it C? Is it D?Copy !req
243. Is it E?Copy !req
244. It is!
Oh, I think the next letter is D.Copy !req
245. B, B!Copy !req
246. I don't understand.Copy !req
247. I don't know what is it!Copy !req
248. T. OK we're back, we're back,
we're back, we're back,Copy !req
249. we're back, we're back. H!Copy !req
250. Is it R? Yeah.Copy !req
251. Is the next one E?Copy !req
252. Yeah, E.Copy !req
253. Feed... three...Copy !req
254. Ducks?Copy !req
255. Sheep?Copy !req
256. E that means E. Yeah.Copy !req
257. There's been, so far, five Es. X!Copy !req
258. Well, that can only be L, M, or N.Copy !req
259. Elephant.Copy !req
260. Ooh, maybe. That's a P.Copy !req
261. Is it elephant? No, he can't
say that, we have to...Copy !req
262. N, so the language works.Copy !req
263. The language does work.
Save three elephants, and...Copy !req
264. Oh, giraffe. Oh, here we go.Copy !req
265. Next word, please.Copy !req
266. A.Copy !req
267. C. How is it C? I-I...Copy !req
268. How was it C? Cos it is.Copy !req
269. Oh! L. It's clown!Copy !req
270. "Feed three elephants,
and a giraffe to the clown?"Copy !req
271. Christ Almighty.Copy !req
272. My impression formed
of you non-dingers -Copy !req
273. Fern was of more used to you
on this occasion.Copy !req
274. Fern was a joy to work with,
a pleasure to be around.Copy !req
275. we were on the same wavelength,
we worked really, really well.Copy !req
276. Yeah, that's all I want
to say about that task. Er...Copy !req
277. And if you wanted to go to
a fancy dress with one of them,Copy !req
278. you'd go with her right?
I would, I would. I mean, and...Copy !req
279. You wouldn't take some prick with
a blow-up walking stick.Copy !req
280. John, anything you want to
say in your defence?Copy !req
281. My brain doesn't work like that.Copy !req
282. It doesn't work.Copy !req
283. Oh, never mind.Copy !req
284. Maybe there's some points to be had.Copy !req
285. Well, as you saw, Fern and John
fed three elephants and a giraffeCopy !req
286. to the clown, but Sarah fed one
elephant and three giraffesCopy !req
287. to the clown.
So, only one of them's got it right.Copy !req
288. Whichever team turn out to have fed
the correct animals into the clownCopy !req
289. will get five points, and if they
fed the wrong animals to the clown,Copy !req
290. there will be no points.
No points.Copy !req
291. What? Cos the task wouldn't
have been completed.Copy !req
292. Feels harsh.
But I don't know who did it.Copy !req
293. You could still be a nicer person.Copy !req
294. So, the team of three
thinks it's three elephants.Copy !req
295. If they're right, they win.Copy !req
296. "Feed three elephants
and a giraffe to the clown."Copy !req
297. "Feed three giraffes
and an elephant to the clown."Copy !req
298. Which means the team of two win
five points each! Oh, wow!Copy !req
299. That's crushing.
That is tough.Copy !req
300. That is, er, entirely my faultCopy !req
301. and I apologise about everything
I said about John. Er...Copy !req
302. Let's have the scoreboard.Copy !req
303. Yes. Munya, of course, yet to win
an episode, as has Fern -Copy !req
304. but they're both in with
a shot in this one.Copy !req
305. Fern is on 5, Munya's in the lead
with 8 points! Yes!Copy !req
306. Come on!Copy !req
307. Right, what is next, please?Copy !req
308. Well, there's something
pretty alluring.Copy !req
309. Mm!Copy !req
310. Hi. Hi, Sarah. Hello.Copy !req
311. Hello, Fern.
Can I walk in like that?Copy !req
312. Wow, that was really nice.Copy !req
313. Right.Copy !req
314. "Pin an alluring tail on the
alluring animal while blindfolded."Copy !req
315. "Pin the tail on the donkey."Copy !req
316. "You have 15 minutes
to find the alluring animal."Copy !req
317. Ooh, "Make an alluring tail."Copy !req
318. "Put your alluring tail
on the tail station,Copy !req
319. "and prepare to pin your alluring
tail on the alluring animal."Copy !req
320. Blindfolded!Copy !req
321. "Starting from here. Fastest wins."Copy !req
322. You have to now try to
find the alluring animal.Copy !req
323. What animals do you find alluring?Copy !req
324. The Cadbury's, er, bunny.Copy !req
325. It's out the front!Copy !req
326. Aha!Copy !req
327. Is it him?Copy !req
328. So, that's the alluring animal?Copy !req
329. Is it alluring?Copy !req
330. No, I'm not a pervert.Copy !req
331. So, now we need an alluring tail.Copy !req
332. So, the tail station is that circle
in the middle of the lawn.Copy !req
333. What's in here that might be sexy?Copy !req
334. I mean, that's quite
an alluring tail in itself.Copy !req
335. What about flowers up its butt?Copy !req
336. That's lovely.Copy !req
337. I'll use this.
What is it, a toilet brush?Copy !req
338. It looks kind of used.Copy !req
339. No, don't sniff it.Copy !req
340. The Cadbury's bunny, yeah?Copy !req
341. Well, she's fictional,
so that's all right.Copy !req
342. So, it's pin the tail on the donkey,Copy !req
343. but we gave them 15 minutes
to prepare their tail.Copy !req
344. But that's really a distraction
from preparing their routeCopy !req
345. from tail to tiger.Copy !req
346. Good. Let's begin with good ol' Dara
and good, young Munya.Copy !req
347. Alex. Yes?Copy !req
348. Do you know what I'm going to do?Copy !req
349. No. I'm going to make a long path.Copy !req
350. Right, OK.Copy !req
351. I need to keep to
the right-hand side of this.Copy !req
352. Take this as far as you can.Copy !req
353. OK, stop. All right.Copy !req
354. Drop. Drop? Right, I'm ready.Copy !req
355. Right. I have to go back and
sit down, don't I? Yes, please.Copy !req
356. When I blow the whistle,
you must pin your alluring tailCopy !req
357. on the alluring animal.
BLOWS WHISTLECopy !req
358. Just need to find the door.Copy !req
359. OK. Corridor...Copy !req
360. .. and then, out here.
Now it's the steps.Copy !req
361. OK. Whoa.Copy !req
362. I can hear my voice
pinging off some sort of dome.Copy !req
363. Turn 90 degrees.Copy !req
364. One, two, three... there.Copy !req
365. Ohh, not quite.Copy !req
366. That's how this has to happen.Copy !req
367. Aha! Right.Copy !req
368. It's about keeping
a low centre of gravity, Alex.Copy !req
369. I can see that.Copy !req
370. Like a coiled hedgehog.Copy !req
371. Piano, piano, piano.Copy !req
372. Yes! Ready? Push!Copy !req
373. Yeah! Stop the clock.Copy !req
374. The head of alluring animal,
bum of alluring animal. Saucy.Copy !req
375. I've stopped the clock.
Thank you, Dara.Copy !req
376. I'm not sure how alluring
Munya's tiger wasCopy !req
377. after it had been violently tailed.Copy !req
378. Let's have a look at his alluring
tiger after it had been tailed.Copy !req
379. No, but the thing is,
in my defence,Copy !req
380. if that is a toilet brush...Copy !req
381. Toilet brushes go near bottoms,
which are alluring.Copy !req
382. You know you don't clean your bum
with a toilet brush, don't you?Copy !req
383. And you certainly don't
clean your bum withCopy !req
384. a toilet brush that deeply.Copy !req
385. You were on your feet
most of the time, Dara,Copy !req
386. and I hope you don't take what
I've written down as an insult here.Copy !req
387. I'm clearly about to have to
take that as an insult, but go on.Copy !req
388. I've put, "Dara has a very upright,
dainty walk for a big man."Copy !req
389. Full stop. "Like one of those
Spanish horses that can dance."Copy !req
390. You got some times?
I do. Dara, three minutes exactly.Copy !req
391. Munya, two minutes and six seconds.Copy !req
392. In the lead at the moment,
so well done, Munya.Copy !req
393. OK, Fern and Sarah now.Copy !req
394. So, can I just go in here
and be blindfolded?Copy !req
395. Yeah, when you come out, though,
you'll be coming out the front.Copy !req
396. Did you want to - are you having
a practice? What are you doing?Copy !req
397. Huh? Do you just want to start?Copy !req
398. Yes! OK, I'm coming.Copy !req
399. What are you waiting for?Copy !req
400. What are we waiting for? Yeah.Copy !req
401. Your time starts... now.Copy !req
402. Do be careful.Copy !req
403. I don't have very good spatial
awareness when I'm not blindfolded.Copy !req
404. Right.Copy !req
405. Ah, there we go there's the door.Copy !req
406. Oh! No, that's not the door.Copy !req
407. So, this was where the 18 started.
So, one, two...Copy !req
408. Ohh-ho-ho, no!Copy !req
409. What's your system now, Fern?Copy !req
410. I just have to keep waving my arms.Copy !req
411. Right.Copy !req
412. Oh, there's the globe.Copy !req
413. Is the house there?
I don't think so.Copy !req
414. If the hedge is there...Copy !req
415. Is the hedge there? No.Copy !req
416. So, there's a wagon wheel,
and then, it's four steps.Copy !req
417. I'm going to shuffle till
I hit it with my feet.Copy !req
418. Feels minging.Copy !req
419. Oh! OK, OK, OK.Copy !req
420. Oh! I found my tail.Copy !req
421. I should've counted how many steps.
Why didn't I do this bit?Copy !req
422. Am I going to walk into anything?Copy !req
423. Where do you think you are?
Near the piano.Copy !req
424. Right. Am I not? No.Copy !req
425. Where is it? Where is it?Copy !req
426. Ooh.Copy !req
427. Argh, God!Copy !req
428. Oh, that's the cow!Copy !req
429. Ooh, hello. Are you here?Copy !req
430. Where is it? Where is it?Copy !req
431. Ah, there he is!Copy !req
432. I'll feel the heat of its body.Copy !req
433. Argh! Done.Copy !req
434. I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
435. There we go. Done.Copy !req
436. I've stopped the clock, Fern.Copy !req
437. You... oh.Copy !req
438. Two very contrasting styles.Copy !req
439. Sarah used a step-counting system
to complete the taskCopy !req
440. with reasonable efficiency.Copy !req
441. Fern stumbled around waving
her hands in front of herCopy !req
442. whilst shouting, "Where am I?"Copy !req
443. You're following this narrative
that I don't have systems,Copy !req
444. and I just flounder around.Copy !req
445. What was the system, then?Copy !req
446. Well... there might not
have been a system.Copy !req
447. I was going to use the one
that bats do, where you, like,Copy !req
448. make a clicking sound.Copy !req
449. And I would've been far kinder
in my summary if you had.Copy !req
450. OK, well, Sarah's method
sort of worked.Copy !req
451. She just felt her way there in
nine minutes and 40 seconds.Copy !req
452. OK. Yeah, not good.Copy !req
453. Not great,
but comparatively not bad.Copy !req
454. Fern, you took 13 minutesCopy !req
455. and 53 seconds to cover 25 metres.Copy !req
456. If you did the marathon
at that rate,Copy !req
457. it would take 16 days
and eight hours.Copy !req
458. Three, two, one, advertising!Copy !req
459. Hello! Here we are again,
for the third part of the show.Copy !req
460. Ooh, nice work, Greg.
Someone's been practising.Copy !req
461. Before the break, the five
competitors were trying to planCopy !req
462. how best to pin a tail on an
alluring animal once blindfolded.Copy !req
463. Fern Brady does not make plans.Copy !req
464. Now finally,
what will John Kearns do?Copy !req
465. You think a blindfold's
going to do me?Copy !req
466. In we go.Copy !req
467. Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
468. Right, now I've planned for this.Copy !req
469. I don't remember it
being this far away.Copy !req
470. Well, I left it here.Copy !req
471. Have you moved it? No.Copy !req
472. No. "No," he says.Copy !req
473. It's there, John. It's not there.Copy !req
474. Where am I there? I'm at the door!Copy !req
475. Well, it's there. Well, OK.Copy !req
476. It's right there.
Well, pick it up, then.Copy !req
477. Aha! Oh.Copy !req
478. Where's the string?Copy !req
479. Where's the tail?Copy !req
480. The tail was on top of
the tail station.Copy !req
481. Yeah, it still is.
The bits of... no, it's not.Copy !req
482. It's not because I just picked up
the tail station.Copy !req
483. You soiled my planning!Copy !req
484. I tell you, I thought I was doing
this in under a minute or something.Copy !req
485. Is that the piano? Yes.Copy !req
486. HE CHUCKLESCopy !req
487. Stop the clock. Well done, John.Copy !req
488. I don't quite know what went wrong,
cos it looked really promising.Copy !req
489. It... the... I don't know, I...Copy !req
490. It just disappeared.Copy !req
491. Then I accused the team of...Copy !req
492. Yeah, you were very cross.Copy !req
493. You thought we'd moved your tail.
You were convinced, yeah.Copy !req
494. I got a bit angry, I apologise.
For a couple of hours.Copy !req
495. I think that,
once you did find the tail,Copy !req
496. you walked away like
a grandfather in a sitcom.Copy !req
497. Could be wrong.
Let's see if he did.Copy !req
498. Tell me some times.Copy !req
499. Yes, well, 1 point to Fern,
with her 13 minutes, 53. Oh, no.Copy !req
500. 2 points to Sarah,Copy !req
501. then it was John, with his
eight minutes and 12 seconds.Copy !req
502. Dara, of course, three minutes -Copy !req
503. but the fastest by quite
some distance was Munya.Copy !req
504. He gets another 5 points! Wow.Copy !req
505. Wow. Right, another one.Copy !req
506. OK, yes, and I have an extremely
handy one ready now.Copy !req
507. So, let's see it.Copy !req
508. That's my hand... that's my hand...Copy !req
509. That's my hand.Copy !req
510. OK, this is sinister.Copy !req
511. Munya. I brought a little, er,
comfort animal along.Copy !req
512. I've abducted him.Copy !req
513. Place your hand on the table.Copy !req
514. Ooh! Ergh.Copy !req
515. "Find the back of your hand."Copy !req
516. Oh, no!Copy !req
517. "Fewest wrong guesses wins."Copy !req
518. "You have a maximum of 20 minutes."Copy !req
519. "And your time starts
when Alex does a hand pun."Copy !req
520. I think I should be able to do it,Copy !req
521. cos I have really big, weird handsCopy !req
522. that look like a roofer's.Copy !req
523. All hands on deck.Copy !req
524. Just to reassure you,
you are in safe hands.Copy !req
525. Was that a pun? Yeah. OK.Copy !req
526. You are going to have
to do it single-handedly.Copy !req
527. Just explain what they have to do.Copy !req
528. Yes, so on the very first day
they arrived in the house,Copy !req
529. I took a polaroid of their hands.Copy !req
530. Yeah. In that garage,
there were 3,000 other hands.Copy !req
531. Hands of our viewers, in fact.Copy !req
532. Thank you for sending
your hands in, if you did.Copy !req
533. The first people we'll see
have some very similar hands -Copy !req
534. all four, lovely and soft,
it's Dara and John.Copy !req
535. I remember, erm,
someone's dessert island discsCopy !req
536. who's playing the piano.Copy !req
537. He was looking down at his hands...Copy !req
538. .. and he realised he was
looking at his fathers' hands.Copy !req
539. You know, I'm looking for not just
my hands, but my dad's hands.Copy !req
540. I don't think your dad's
hands are here.Copy !req
541. Oh, Jesus Christ.Copy !req
542. Is there any clue?Copy !req
543. "For sale - reject boards.
100 guesses."Copy !req
544. So, I can tell you which
boards it's not,Copy !req
545. but it will cost you
100 guesses for each board.Copy !req
546. That's not a good deal. OK.Copy !req
547. There's got to be something clever
with this, there's got to beCopy !req
548. some other way of doing this.Copy !req
549. What's that?
Oh, I wouldn't touch that, but...Copy !req
550. What'd you say?
I said, "I wouldn't touch that."Copy !req
551. It's that hand,
so there'd be no ring on it.Copy !req
552. Place your hand there, please.
Your left hand.Copy !req
553. It's that hand,
so there'd be no ring on it.Copy !req
554. ECHOING CONTINUESCopy !req
555. Whose hands are those?Copy !req
556. Is that your first guess? Yeah.Copy !req
557. Wrong. Fu...Copy !req
558. Right, eliminate two boards.Copy !req
559. Well, there's a dog there.Copy !req
560. These are all wrong fingers,
if you want to dip in there.Copy !req
561. Yep. These two.Copy !req
562. Left pinky, right pinky.Copy !req
563. 200 guesses.Copy !req
564. That's half your time gone.Copy !req
565. How many boards are there? Eight.Copy !req
566. I want to get rid of seven.Copy !req
567. Here's what we'll do, two more.Copy !req
568. Gone! I'm not on there,
I'm not on there,Copy !req
569. I'm not on there, I'm not on there.Copy !req
570. Not on there... not on there...Copy !req
571. I'm there. You now have 701 guesses.Copy !req
572. That one.Copy !req
573. No.Copy !req
574. Is it that one? No.Copy !req
575. Right, you're saying "no" quickly.Copy !req
576. It can't be somewhere where you're
stood over there, and you can go,Copy !req
577. "Yeah, it's that one."Copy !req
578. Is it that one? No.Copy !req
579. Is it that one? No.Copy !req
580. Ah, you paused there.
It's around here.Copy !req
581. You have 30 seconds.Copy !req
582. I'm going to go mad,
staring at these.Copy !req
583. AUDIENCE OOHSCopy !req
584. That. No. That. No. That. No.Copy !req
585. That. No. That. No.Copy !req
586. It's around here. You started...Copy !req
587. .. pissing yourself around here.
AUDIENCE OOHSCopy !req
588. Is... that one?Copy !req
589. Come on!Copy !req
590. That. No.Copy !req
591. That... that.Copy !req
592. Is it that one?No.
BLOWS WHISTLECopy !req
593. Too many hands.Copy !req
594. They all look the same.Copy !req
595. Where is my hand?Copy !req
596. Thank you, Dara.Copy !req
597. QUIET SOBBINGCopy !req
598. It's not fair...
there's so many hands.Copy !req
599. John, you know that whole
"dad's hands" thing? Yep.Copy !req
600. Yeah, what were you on about?Copy !req
601. Er, Russell Watson. Yeah.Copy !req
602. So, he said he was playing the piano
one day, and then, he looked down,Copy !req
603. and he was like,
"God, I've got my dad's' hands."Copy !req
604. What you're saying is the opera
singer Russell Watson...Copy !req
605. .. said in an interview you saw
with him, he realises his handsCopy !req
606. looks like his dad's,Copy !req
607. and that affected your system
here of looking for your handsCopy !req
608. when you had your own fucking
hands in front of you?Copy !req
609. Why bring your dad into this at all?Copy !req
610. It's easier to look for
your dad's hands than your own.Copy !req
611. Dara, you hampered yourself
by picking the wrong hand.Copy !req
612. See, I made the mistake,
I was looking for my auntie's hands.Copy !req
613. Because Placido Domingo
said to me once...Copy !req
614. John, at one point, I'm fairly sure
that you chose a Black hand.Copy !req
615. Those were my dad's.Copy !req
616. Advert time!Copy !req
617. If your partner is off making
the tea and they've got PJs on,Copy !req
618. why not sneak up behind them and
pull their PJs down and shout,Copy !req
619. "Look, kids, the moon is
disgusting tonight!"Copy !req
620. It's your break,
do what you want.Copy !req
621. We'll see you in a minute.Copy !req
622. Hello, everyone!Copy !req
623. Welcome back to the
closing part of today's show.Copy !req
624. There was a creepy task in play,
I believe. You're right, Greg.Copy !req
625. I got pictures of loads of hands,
stuck them on a wall,Copy !req
626. and then, locked the competitors
in the garage with them.Copy !req
627. I'm so weird.Copy !req
628. Next to try and find their hands
amongst over 3,000 other handsCopy !req
629. are Munya and Fern.Copy !req
630. High five.Copy !req
631. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
632. Hey, wait a minute!Copy !req
633. Ooh.Copy !req
634. So, we're looking for
a fat, square palm...Copy !req
635. Ooh, that hand's horrible!Copy !req
636. That's like a demon's hands.Copy !req
637. So, there's two mirrors - one has
a little square in it, one's plain.Copy !req
638. So, surely, I need to ping it off
the second mirror, don't I?Copy !req
639. Now if I get it at just
the right angle,Copy !req
640. it will point directly at my hand.Copy !req
641. Yes, there you go.Copy !req
642. That ain't my hand.Copy !req
643. "For sale - reject boards."Copy !req
644. Yeah, can you do that?Copy !req
645. Left, middle, and right pinky.Copy !req
646. Oh, you lot think you're smart.Copy !req
647. Aha!Copy !req
648. Because I'm stretching, is this
boiler suit giving me a camel toe?Copy !req
649. Yo, hey, don't pan down, man,
what are you doing?Copy !req
650. Would you like to rule out
any more boards, Fern?Copy !req
651. Yes, left wedding.Copy !req
652. Right, middle. Left index.Copy !req
653. OK.Copy !req
654. What in the hell?Copy !req
655. So, now I've gone from
having to look for my own handCopy !req
656. to a tiny pinprick of laser.Copy !req
657. This one? That's not your hand.
Yeah, too fat.Copy !req
658. Aha, yes!Copy !req
659. You know what? This is my hand.Copy !req
660. I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
661. This one! This hand.Copy !req
662. That is your hand. That's my hand!Copy !req
663. Come on!Copy !req
664. Really dug out
one hand in particular,Copy !req
665. but it was a strange-looking
hand, to be fair.Copy !req
666. Yeah, so I insulted a
lot of the hands,Copy !req
667. but that's just speaking as
a person who hates my own hands.Copy !req
668. Yes, she was looking for a
hand that was dehydrated.Copy !req
669. She said, "What face does
my hand make?"Copy !req
670. and, "My hand doesn't bulge."Copy !req
671. Did I say that?
Uh-huh, and then, you asked,Copy !req
672. "Who invented right and left,
and what's it for?" I did!Copy !req
673. Munya, I thought watching you
in action was like watchingCopy !req
674. an episode of CSI, right up until
the point you announcedCopy !req
675. you had a camel toe.Copy !req
676. When I used to go to
Laser Quest, in Norwich,Copy !req
677. every time I used to go,
it was full of, like, ex-Marines.Copy !req
678. So, I'd always just be
killed instantly.Copy !req
679. So, what I had to do is I had
to learn to get into little cornersCopy !req
680. and look for reflective surfaces,Copy !req
681. and then, ping them off
the top like that.Copy !req
682. So I walked into there
and I've gone,Copy !req
683. "This is what the training was for."Copy !req
684. Munya took one guess, got it right.Copy !req
685. Wow! So, it'll be tough to beat.Copy !req
686. How many guesses did Fern take
to find her big old hands?Copy !req
687. So, she used 504 guesses.Copy !req
688. Oh, right. Who's left?
It's Sarah Millican.Copy !req
689. I know how I had
my hand photographed.Copy !req
690. How was that?Copy !req
691. Everybody else is going to do that,
so I'm going to do that.Copy !req
692. OK.Copy !req
693. That should help.
It should help, shouldn't it?Copy !req
694. Cos it should stand out more...Copy !req
695. .. than all the losers who've just
put their hand normal.Copy !req
696. No, OK.Copy !req
697. It's weird how hands don't
look like hands any moreCopy !req
698. when you look at them so much,Copy !req
699. and now, some of them just look
like loads of parsnips.Copy !req
700. Ah! Found it.Copy !req
701. It's correct.
SHE GIGGLESCopy !req
702. I don't know what say, it's just
some sweet forward planning.Copy !req
703. But obviously I didn't know
what the task was going to be,Copy !req
704. and I genuinely just thought
it was funny to look likeCopy !req
705. I was wanking a cock.Copy !req
706. I was just going for the joke.Copy !req
707. Well, Sarah and Munya both
just a single guess,Copy !req
708. so they both get 5 points.
Fern 4, the others 0.Copy !req
709. Sarah and Munya are the winners!
What a blow, well done!Copy !req
710. Let's have a quick look
at the scores.Copy !req
711. Right, well,
John rock-bottom with 4 points,Copy !req
712. Munya rock-top with 18 points!Copy !req
713. Please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!Copy !req
714. Who will be reading out
the final task?Copy !req
715. Dara O Briain. Hit it.Copy !req
716. "Guess the fully-extended length
of the extendible item.Copy !req
717. "Closest to the fully-extended
length wins."Copy !req
718. Sounds pretty high-octane. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
719. OK, so it's a team task.Copy !req
720. We have little markers -
if you make your guesses as a team,Copy !req
721. but one of you can go out on
the Knappett and put downCopy !req
722. where they think it will go.Copy !req
723. The other person has
to stay on their spot.Copy !req
724. And are we allowed
to lie down to measure things?Copy !req
725. Is that how you normally
measure things?Copy !req
726. We're going to start with
the feather duster,Copy !req
727. and Dara, you go first. OK.Copy !req
728. I don't think you want me
to do my catchphrase.Copy !req
729. I want you to do your catchphrase.
Let's smash it.Copy !req
730. I think Fern agrees
with that, yeah. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
731. I agree with it, as well, yeah.Copy !req
732. Happy with that team? Yeah.Copy !req
733. Right, so I want you to see -
how many ridges has it got? Seven.Copy !req
734. That's a lot, isn't it?
I think further. Further?Copy !req
735. Than they've got, yeah.
Yeah, cos the thing is you've gotCopy !req
736. to get those extra-high cobwebs,
no-one's getting a short cobweb.Copy !req
737. Team of three has gone shorter,
team of two further.Copy !req
738. Are you going
to invite me to extend?Copy !req
739. Please use your own hands to extend.Copy !req
740. He's off. Oh-ho-ho, he's off!Copy !req
741. The team of two get
the first points.Copy !req
742. Now moving onto the dog lead -Copy !req
743. and it's Sarah to measure first.Copy !req
744. I think it's really long.Copy !req
745. That's too far, because if you
need to pull it back suddenly,Copy !req
746. you shouldn't be having to do this.Copy !req
747. No, I do that all the time,
it's like pulling in the end ofCopy !req
748. a hoover and me dog flies back.Copy !req
749. All right, go on, then, I trust you.Copy !req
750. I've got it, I'm going
to go quite far.Copy !req
751. Are you s...? OK. Yeah.
Just pull it back just a little bit.Copy !req
752. WHISTLE BLOWS
No, she can't.Copy !req
753. So, I really don't want
to fall off this.Copy !req
754. No, I don't want you
to fall off this.Copy !req
755. Here? Yeah, you go with your gut.Copy !req
756. Let's extend.Copy !req
757. Let's extend, straight to it.
OK, here we go.Copy !req
758. Ooh, look at that lovely
confident extending.Copy !req
759. Yeah, it's way longer.Copy !req
760. What a brave boy. No, no.Copy !req
761. Ah, you jester.Copy !req
762. Ah, so it can go over.
Over, I didn't know.Copy !req
763. T-Too far.Copy !req
764. The team of three. They take it.Copy !req
765. We're moving on to tape measure.Copy !req
766. A tape measure is meant to measure
everything in the house.Copy !req
767. So, that's going to go... so far.Copy !req
768. What have you seen, John?
Two times-ness.Copy !req
769. What?Copy !req
770. I'm tempted to not even move that.Copy !req
771. Would it help if we got some
Russell Watson played in?Copy !req
772. No, nearer!
WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
773. It's a jumbo one, this.Copy !req
774. All right, so it's the team of two.Copy !req
775. How about this?
How about this?Copy !req
776. Yeah, make sure it's
in front of the thing, yeah.Copy !req
777. Blocking them.Copy !req
778. Let's extend.Copy !req
779. AUDIENCE OOHSCopy !req
780. Such a silly man.Copy !req
781. That is it. Really?Copy !req
782. Yes. Well, it does say
"two times NES."Copy !req
783. Two times NEs, so that's, of course,
two times Noel Edmonds's.Copy !req
784. All the information was
on the tape measure.Copy !req
785. So, the team of two gets
another point. Congratulations.Copy !req
786. I'm pretty excited about the ladder.Copy !req
787. Is it the ladder now?
It's ladder time, guys. Yeah!Copy !req
788. Do you think that is
the size of a house? I don't know.Copy !req
789. I don't know a thing about ladders.
Go over the thingy.Copy !req
790. Go over the Knappett.Copy !req
791. Right on the brink! Do you think?
On the brink. On the brink?Copy !req
792. I don't think its going to go
that tall. Four seconds.Copy !req
793. Can I move it in?
Yeah, there, there.Copy !req
794. There, there, there. There! OK.Copy !req
795. WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, wow.Copy !req
796. What a rush!
SARAH GIGGLESCopy !req
797. Team of three,
you do need to win this one.Copy !req
798. Every section of that
extends about that.Copy !req
799. If we could lay Dara end-to-end...Copy !req
800. That's a big if.Copy !req
801. I think Dara's using his own system.Copy !req
802. I just heard someone say,
"Oh, no, up there."Copy !req
803. Let's extend.Copy !req
804. It's going to go way past both,
is my prediction.Copy !req
805. Ah, yes.Copy !req
806. Oh, ooh, hello. Hello.Copy !req
807. Oh, we're at the end. Oh, what?Copy !req
808. I think it's perfect.Copy !req
809. Team of three!Copy !req
810. OK, so next one wins, Greg.Copy !req
811. It's the red vacuum cleaner.Copy !req
812. This time, it's being measured
to where its face gets to.Copy !req
813. Oh, so it's using the lead?Copy !req
814. Exactly, we're measuring
the extension lead. Ooh-wee!Copy !req
815. Hello. I'm pissed with anticipation.Copy !req
816. Team of two, you're going first.Copy !req
817. I reckon this man is
long enough to get to the edge.Copy !req
818. Yeah. What do you think? I agree.Copy !req
819. We have to commit.
I-I feel like off the edge.Copy !req
820. All right. Cool, there we go.Copy !req
821. Bold. So bold.Copy !req
822. Brave.Copy !req
823. Well, cleaners use this,
it's not for normal households.Copy !req
824. He's found his marker.Copy !req
825. Just on the edge.
CROWD EXCLAIMSCopy !req
826. Oh, he's gone bold.
Three seconds. Are you happy, John?Copy !req
827. WHISTLE BLOWSCopy !req
828. CROWD EXCLAIMSCopy !req
829. Oh, yes! Come on!Copy !req
830. Yes!Copy !req
831. Two things -
it was an act of madness.Copy !req
832. And secondly, who'd have
thought someone would makeCopy !req
833. this game genuinely exciting?Copy !req
834. But when the whistle went...Copy !req
835. AUDIENCE OOHSCopy !req
836. .. the team of three were
on the floor. Ooh.Copy !req
837. I did see where you placed it,Copy !req
838. and I think I've been true to that.
Let's extend.Copy !req
839. It's a short one. That's it.Copy !req
840. CROWD EXCLAIMSCopy !req
841. Does that mean we win?
The team of two win!Copy !req
842. What's he talking about?
That's as far as it goes.Copy !req
843. Let's add that up and see
how it's affected the final scores!Copy !req
844. I've never heard
of that before.Copy !req
845. Oh! Well, all right, everyone's
a bit cross about the trick vacuum.Copy !req
846. Yeah.Copy !req
847. In the end, the team of two
get three points.Copy !req
848. The team of three get two points.Copy !req
849. So, well done, Sarah and Munya!Copy !req
850. Wow.Copy !req
851. Shall I tell you some scores?
Yes, please.Copy !req
852. Well, in the series - oh, wow,Copy !req
853. Fern and John have exactly
the same number of points, 113,Copy !req
854. Munya 118 now,Copy !req
855. Sarah on 141,Copy !req
856. Dara on 142!Copy !req
857. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMSCopy !req
858. In this episode,
John has 6 points.Copy !req
859. Dara 9, Fern 12, Sarah 17,Copy !req
860. Munya Chawawa has 21 points!Copy !req
861. At last, Munya wins!Copy !req
862. Please go and party
with your fancy dress!Copy !req
863. There's just two shows left,
but just one winner tonight.Copy !req
864. It is Munya Chawawa!Copy !req