1. This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
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2. Hello. Good evening to you
and a warm welcome to
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3. Taskmaster or, as my nan calls it,
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4. "What, that silly thing you do
where you pretend you're cross
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5. "because a comedian hasn't counted
some ducks properly or something?"
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6. "Get lost, Nan,
you haven't even seen it!
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7. "You've been dead for 15 years!
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8. "You're such a chopsy nan.
Why can't you just say, 'Ooh!'"
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9. Have they not got
a ghost knitting club?
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10. Back in this dimension,
things are going well for some
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11. and really badly for others.
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12. Please welcome our earthly five
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13. who are still alive - they are
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14. Dara O Briain,
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15. Fern Brady,
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16. John Kearns,
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17. Munya Chawawa
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18. and Sarah Millican.
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19. And next to me a man
who dots the I's
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20. and crosses the T's, he wets
the bed, he likes to please,
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21. he cries a lot, his winkle smells,
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22. and he still shoplifts
to get attention.
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23. It's horrible Alex Horne!
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24. Hi.
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25. Hi! Hi. How have you been since
the last show?
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26. Terrific, thank you.
I've joined a cult.
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27. Oh, have you?
Love it, love it. Love the cult.
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28. Yeah. Just a small one,
just the three of us.
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29. Me, my wife, Alan.
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30. That's it, just the three of us
in Alan's vehicle.
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31. Right, and what do you do in there?
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32. Never you mind, Greg!
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33. Right, then, on with
the show proper.
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34. What's the old prize task then?
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35. Hmm. Great question, Greg.
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36. I'm on it, Papa GD,
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37. and today you have asked them
to bring in the best thing
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38. you've ever received in the post.
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39. Ooh!
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40. Hey, guys, remember post?
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41. They shove stuff through
a hole in your door.
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42. Greg here will give five points to
the person he thinks has brought in
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43. the best thing they've received
in the post
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44. and then at the end of the show
the overall winner will take home
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45. all five things
to start a new life in a new home.
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46. It's very post- uh, modern.
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47. Munya!
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48. So I have bought in
the Suckertron 3000.
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49. Here it is. This isn't the official
name, so don't Google it cos I,
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50. I don't know what's gonna come up.
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51. Greg, have you ever been sat there
on your laptop devouring a bag
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52. of crisps and you look down
at the keyboard
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53. and there's enough crumbs
to feed a small family? Yeah.
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54. That ever happen to you?
Of course it has.
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55. OK, now. Have a look!
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56. This thing here sucks those crumbs.
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57. Although I have googled
Suckertron 3000.
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58. Yeah? Ooh!
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59. God!
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60. It comes up some...
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61. That looks like it smells!
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62. Sarah, can you beat a mini vacuum?
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63. So, from the age of about ten or 12,
I've loved Phillip Schofield
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64. and I had a lot of posters of him
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65. and I took a photo of myself,
of me in my bedroom,
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66. with my perm and all of my posters
of Phillip Schofield
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67. and I sent it to him,
presumably for him to keep.
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68. He sent it back.
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69. This came through
the post to Sarah.
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70. Aww!
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71. Whoa.
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72. Shit's weird.
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73. Look how pleased I am!
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74. He's not on the, uh,
crucifix, is he?
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75. A true fan!
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76. It's sort of so on
the line between being quite sweet
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77. and being terrifying.
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78. This is very strong so far.
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79. So far. Who's next? Fern.
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80. I don't know if this is the best
thing or the worst thing
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81. but for years now my mum
has been sending me
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82. the most unbelievably ugly pants,
uh, that I've ever seen.
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83. Here are Fern's mum's pants.
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84. My mum I believe was sending me
these as some sort
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85. of ch-chastity belt type thing.
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86. Uh, and was there a note with them?
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87. Uh, just, "This is
a little present for you."
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88. "Love, Mum."
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89. Yeah.
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90. John can you beat some, erm,
special pants?
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91. I've gone down the same route
Sarah has.
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92. OK. Nostalgia.
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93. Yeah. My, uh,
Dennis the Menace Fan Club
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94. membership and badges.
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95. Here it is.
Sweet.
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96. I'm surprised, John,
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97. because I was a member
of that as well.
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98. But surely there's
a significant gulf in our ages.
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99. Yeah, two generations I had down.
All right!
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100. You know if you met a,
uh, another member...
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101. Which you just have.
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102. .. Yeah, so I say, "Ding," you say...
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103. Dong!
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104. Dong stood for Dennis
Owns Naughty Gnasher.
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105. Can't, I can't remember what Ding
stood for!
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106. "Dennis Is Never Good,"
is the ding one. Ah.
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107. Yeah. That's really sweet, John,
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108. and very clever cos you've tapped
into my childhood as well.
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109. Um, Dara.
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110. I brought a thing that shouldn't be
sent in the post,
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111. uh, which is an entire turkey.
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112. Here it is.
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113. Wow!
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114. My mother's cousins lived in
County Mayo, they had a farm,
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115. uh, and every Christmas
they would send us
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116. the turkey we ate at Christmas.
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117. This was full turkey,
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118. head squeezed in, box
just wrapped around it,
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119. misshapen. You'd pop it up, like,
whatever, "Bwark!"
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120. Uh, and it would appear.
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121. Proper pre-butcher turkey
in the post.
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122. And we had to collect it
from the post depot
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123. every year round about mid-December.
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124. Yeah, someone's gonna win
that tonight.
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125. It's best thing
to receive through the post, Greg.
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126. What's the worst thing
to receive through the post?
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127. I mean probably the worst thing
to receive,
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128. and I think she'd agree
with me, is Fern's mum's pants.
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129. Don't, but don't keep saying "Mum's
pants" cos she might be upset
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130. when this goes out!
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131. You're only getting one point
and she's gonna be angry anyway.
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132. What? I'm only getting one?
It's the best thing.
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133. Oh, yeah. I see.
The competition was the best thing.
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134. Yeah, yeah.
Right so one point to Fern Brady.
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135. I mean in many ways it's the thing
that makes my heart sing the most.
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136. But I also think it's awful
to get a turkey through the post.
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137. It's not the best thing.
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138. It was at Christmas.
I'm not suggesting for a second
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139. that your Christmases
weren't heartbreaking, Dara.
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140. OK, so two points to Dara O Briain.
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141. He tapped into my childhood.
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142. We crossed the generations like
the true Ding-Dongers we are.
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143. I'll give him three points.
OK, three points to John Kearns.
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144. Yeah, yeah. Well done. So, it's the
top two now. Munya or Sarah.
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145. Let me tell you - my keyboard
looks like a war zone.
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146. But I'm only gonna give it
four points. Oh.
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147. Obviously the best thing
to get through the post is
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148. a picture of Sarah Millican
surrounded by Philip Schofields.
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149. Everyone knows that.
There it is, five points.
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150. Five points. Well done,
Sarah Millican.
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151. What's first, please?
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152. Mmm-mmm... mmmilk!
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153. Hello.
Hello, Munya.
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154. Oh. I love milk!
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155. Microwaves on plinths.
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156. Milk on microwaves.
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157. Oh, what we having for tea?
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158. Bread.
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159. Peas.
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160. Yes, there's five minutes
to go on that.
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161. And there is just a minute
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162. to go on what appears
to be just bread.
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163. Is this just your lunch?
There's a lot of peas
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164. for one person.
I would worry about your guts.
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165. Do you like peas?
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166. Erm, I don't like milky peas.
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167. And there's a little bowl
there as well. Yeah.
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168. So stuff's gotta get mixed.
Stuff's gotta get mixed.
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169. Shall I open my task?
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170. I wouldn't open it yet.
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171. OK. Mm-hm.
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172. I wouldn't open it yet.
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173. I wouldn't open it yet
if I were you. No?
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174. I wouldn't open it just yet.
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175. Why? I'm just saying
I wouldn't open it yet.
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176. I should open this because, you
know, this thing's counting down.
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177. Yeah. And you just said, "Well, I
wouldn't if I were you," kind of...
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178. I wouldn't if I were you. But that's
the kind of thing where it'll get
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179. to two minutes and you go,
"Why didn't you open it?" Mm-hm.
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180. So I'm not allowed
to look at this yet?
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181. You're allowed to look at that
whenever you want.
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182. You said no, though.
You're allowed to.
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183. I just said
I wouldn't if I were you.
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184. Why? I know what's in it.
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185. Let me ask you, er, Sarah,
uh, all of you,
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186. how does it make you feel when
Alex does something like that?
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187. What emotional response?
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188. No, no, I'm, I'm sorry are we doing
therapy now? Uh...
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189. Just wondering how it makes you feel
about Alex, that's all.
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190. I feel powerless. Uh, I feel...
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191. Come on, milky peas.
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192. Ooh, I've got a nickname.
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193. Well, we're gonna begin by standing
firm with John and Fern.
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194. Well, when do I open it?
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195. Whenever you want.
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196. Wouldn't open it yet if I were you.
Yeah, but you're not me.
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197. What's your name? John.
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198. Star sign? Kearns.
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199. Really? What did you ask me?
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200. Star sign.
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201. Oh! Well,
people usually go "First name...
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202. Right.
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203. .. then they go, "last name".
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204. Right. Aries.
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205. Hmm.
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206. 28 minutes.
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207. Place of birth?
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208. St Thomas' Hospital.
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209. Are you opening it?
Do you want me to open it?
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210. I wouldn't open it.
But why are you saying that?
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211. What's your star sign?
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212. Gemini.
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213. How high can you jump?
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214. Ooh.
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215. A foot?
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216. PING!
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217. Ah, bread's ready.
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218. What's with all the questions?
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219. Who's your favourite singer, John?
Uh, Rufus Wainwright.
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220. Yuk.
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221. Ah.
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222. Got more questions if you
want them. Yeah, go on, then.
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223. Phobias? No, nothing.
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224. Biggest regret?
I'm not gonna say
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225. I live my life without regrets
but I tend not to dwell on them.
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226. Just give me a regret.
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227. I don't really have any
but I'm not one of these kind
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228. of people that doesn't
have regrets.
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229. So you do have regrets.
I've got regrets, yeah.
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230. Right, what's your biggest one?
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231. Fuck this. You been to Greece?
No, no, you're mad. Huh?
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232. Have you been to Greece?
No. All right.
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233. Within 30 seconds
of opening this task...
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234. You must pick up both milk bottles
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235. and hold them directly above
the microwaves.
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236. The clock stops when
a milk bottle, hand...
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237. Or arm...
Touches the microwave.
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238. Or is no longer directly
above a microwave.
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239. Lowest number on the clock wins
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240. but if the clock reaches zero
you're disqualified.
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241. I'm a strong boy.
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242. I'm not joking. I've had
a shoulder injury recently that,
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243. er, and I cannae... Mm.
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244. You can put... there we go.
Thank you.
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245. Few regrets now. Mm-hm.
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246. Well, I tried to warn you.
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247. Um...
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248. It's just struck the microwave
there so I'll stop the clock.
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249. That's why I didn't want you
to open the task.
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250. Why?
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251. Well, so the clock
would go down more.
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252. Oh, so it's OK, so I'm...
Someone might do worse.
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253. Yeah, someone might do worse.
OK. OK, bye!
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254. I quote John during
the actual task - "Fuck this!"
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255. Cos he kept asking me
my biggest regret.
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256. You don't have regrets.
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257. Although you're not someone
who DOESN'T have regrets.
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258. I've got regrets,
we've all got regrets.
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259. We've all got regrets.
But I don't live with them.
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260. So where are they?
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261. Oh, they're up there.
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262. But I don't go there.
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263. You shut the door. Oh,
they're high, they're top shelf.
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264. They're top shelf.
You can't reach them.
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265. Oh, they're too...
You can't get to them!
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266. Uh... I, I can't get to my regrets!
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267. Fern, enjoy that task?
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268. No, like, I did have
a shoulder injury.
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269. How'd you injure your shoulder?
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270. I went to the gym
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271. and then I was trying to compete
with the man next to me.
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272. Do you regret the whole thing
down the gym or not?
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273. Yeah, uh, I, I do really regret it!
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274. It really messed me up for ages
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275. and then meant I messed up
that task.
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276. Well, maybe take that regret
and pop it in John's mind shelf!
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277. All right, it's the end of part one.
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278. We're gonna have
a break while you have
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279. a conversation about doing
an online food shop.
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280. You used to make love,
so make love, now!
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281. He'll time you!
Go!
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282. Hello, again! welcome back
to Taskmaster.
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283. It's part two and there's
a lab-based task in play.
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284. Yes, and it's a fiendish one.
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285. Next up it's Dairy Dara,
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286. Sarah Milkycan and
Milkman Munya. Here we go.
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287. What's your star sign?
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288. Uh... Aquarius.
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289. I've got more questions.
I bet you do.
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290. What's your name? Sarah.
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291. Sarah...? Millican.
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292. How high can you jump, or what's
the highest you've ever jumped?
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293. Just little.
Like, the size of a mouse.
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294. What's your name?
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295. no, I'm not playing.
Let, let me, let me check this.
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296. Within 30 seconds
of opening this task you must...
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297. "Pick up both milk bottles and hold
them directly above the microwaves."
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298. Any opinions on milk?
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299. Gives me the shits.
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300. How much do you need to have?
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301. I wouldn't want THAT amount.
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302. That's six pints.
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303. Might as well just pour it straight
through. Um...
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304. Well, Jesus, "but as the clock
reaches zero you are disqualified."
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305. Oh, well, you've...
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306. Wait, what?
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307. Hang on, what? Wait. Wait, what?
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308. Lift them above the microwaves,
ready?
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309. Right, OK.
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310. BREATHES DEEPLY
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311. MICROWAVE DINGS
Yes.
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312. Well done. You see that? Yeah.
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313. Gotta keep my biceps contracted.
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314. Like a constipated eagle.
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315. MICROWAVE DINGS
Oh.
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316. It's exciting, isn't it, even
after all these years?
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317. Isn't it exciting
when a microwave pings?
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318. Wait, what, what, what clock?
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319. Have I, have I stopped?
Yeah, you stopped.
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320. Yeah, you put the milk bottles on
the microwave. Oh, no!
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321. Arse.
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322. Oh, you know what?
We're gonna do it.
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323. Uh, hold them up.
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324. Ooh, I need to lift them up like
that. This is heavy.
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325. Yeah.
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326. Shoulders are starting
to hurt a bit.
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327. Could technically raise my arms.
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328. Yes, you must be over the,
directly over the microwaves still.
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329. I don't know if this is more
difficult or easier.
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330. It's impressive.
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331. Ah.
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332. How long have I been doing this?
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333. Three minutes.
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334. At no point did you say they had
to be full though, did you?
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335. Take that off.
Right.
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336. Yeah.
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337. Yeah, I was tempted to
throw it on you.
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338. AUDIENCE WHOOPS, APPLAUSE
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339. Sorry, everybody.
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340. Ah, like a milky torture.
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341. Ooh.
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342. That's it,
milk just got the microwave.
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343. Yeah.
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344. Well, now that's just touched there
I'm afraid. Oh, has it?
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345. Yeah, so that's enough.
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346. Oh, no. Look at my boots.
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347. No, look at the floor, Sarah.
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348. Oh, I should've tipped them
out before.
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349. I could've brought that to you.
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350. Sorry, everybody.
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351. To drain the milky vessels.
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352. Mm. Very clever. Very clever.
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353. I felt, I didn't wanna make a mess
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354. and I felt really bad
I made such a mess.
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355. Throughout the series whenever,
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356. when Munya, when you came into the
lab, every time he went,
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357. "It stinks in here". Oh.
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358. Throughout the series. That's her.
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359. Uh, and if you,
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360. if you think that's bad you should
go round to Dara's at Christmas.
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361. So they cleaned and there was a
pocket they couldn't find
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362. cos it still stank and then
eventually it was found.
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363. It... it was under the flooring.
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364. Millican's milky pocket.
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365. Now stark contrast,
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366. get a bit confused, old man?
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367. That has haunted me, that task.
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368. And it is on a low rung of
the regret shelves. Uh...
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369. Oh, one you can easily access.
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370. Oh, it's eye level.
It is absolutely eye level.
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371. But much like on a summer's day if
you wandering through a meadow
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372. and you might just catch
a beautiful butterfly.
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373. We've caught the moment
where Dara realised
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374. that he's totally fucked this.
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375. Wait, what?
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376. Hang on, what? Wait.
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377. Wait, what?
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378. Yes.
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379. So it's "wait, what?" Yes. "What?
Wait. Wait, what?"Wait, what?"
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380. Uh, yeah.
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381. Munya does everything
with absolute commitment.
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382. It's incredible.
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383. I imagine you clean your teeth like
let's do, let's do this.
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384. In my mind I felt like
Moses and the Red Sea.
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385. Know what I mean,
just holding the milk.
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386. Fricking, the microwave is blowing
that's Jesus whispering to me.
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387. Honestly it, it, I had a vision.
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388. Well, yeah, I mean, Sarah did it
well in every single way.
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389. She, she delayed the most with
the questions
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390. and then she found a technique
so she did well.
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391. Lowest number wins.
Dara, unfortunately, comes last.
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392. 26 minutes 55.
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393. Fern gets two points
with 26 minutes and four seconds.
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394. Then Munya who held them up for over
four minutes, which is amazing.
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395. They're, each one is the weight of
a chihuahua, genuinely.
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396. Uh, 25 minutes and four seconds.
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397. John held out longer than
you, though.
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398. 23 minutes and 30 seconds.
Sarah wins it, though,
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399. with 16 minutes and 58 seconds
and five points.
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400. Wow.
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401. CHEERING, APPLAUSE
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402. Right, scoreboard, please.
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403. Well, I can tell you Dara
and Fern are in joint last,
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404. John and Munya in joint second.
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405. Sarah, though, is in the lead
with ten points.
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406. Well, I, for one, am ready
for another.
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407. Oh, well, I'm ready for a holiday.
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408. Hello. What's on your iPad?
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409. Oh, Fern Brady.
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410. Is that you?
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411. Uh, that's me, yeah.
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412. Dara O Briain?
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413. Yes, that's me.
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414. I'm waiting for Munya Chawawa.
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415. Yes, that's me, you even spelt my
name right. Sick.
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416. Hello. Welcome home.
Is this your suitcase?
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417. No, that's your suitcase.
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418. Oh, no.
Copy !req
419. Where are we off to today?
Copy !req
420. "Get to the end of the lanes in
exactly the same amount of time."
Copy !req
421. One lane, two lanes.
Copy !req
422. "That time must be
under one minute."
Copy !req
423. "Closest two times wins."
Copy !req
424. "Also, you must mirror yourself
during your attempts."
Copy !req
425. "There are two bonus points for
the most stylish mirroring."
Copy !req
426. Mirroring.
Copy !req
427. Mirror-ing.
Copy !req
428. "Both attempts must take place
within the next ten minutes."
Copy !req
429. This is lane one, there... Yeah.
Copy !req
430. .. on the flat. Yeah.
Copy !req
431. This is lane two, it's a travelator.
Yeah.
Copy !req
432. And you wanna reach to the ends of
them at exactly the same time.
Copy !req
433. I can tell you, if you were
stationary on that... Yes.
Copy !req
434. .. takes about one minute 25.
Copy !req
435. The time I do it in must be
under a minute,
Copy !req
436. so I cannot be stationary on it.
Copy !req
437. Hmm, sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.
Copy !req
438. Well, there's no, there's no point
going quick on here
Copy !req
439. because that'll mean I have
to go double quick there.
Copy !req
440. Can you go double quick?
Copy !req
441. Greg will give style points to
the most stylish people.
Copy !req
442. From Greg?
Copy !req
443. Style points from Greg.
Copy !req
444. Right, it's a pretty
straightforward thing.
Copy !req
445. just a personal note, I
absolutely love those things.
Copy !req
446. I genuinely could ride one
of those all day.
Copy !req
447. It's not that interesting,
but I'm, I'm never more at peace.
Copy !req
448. Shall I show them what they did?
Copy !req
449. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, have a look at them, yeah.
Copy !req
450. First up it's Sarah and Sarah.
Copy !req
451. Good luck.
Thank you.
Copy !req
452. Good luck. Thank you.
Copy !req
453. WHISTLE BLOWS
Copy !req
454. CHEERING, APPLAUSE
Copy !req
455. Well, it was very accurate.
Copy !req
456. Thank you.
It says do it stylishly.
Copy !req
457. I had a nice coat on.
Copy !req
458. She had a nice coat.
Copy !req
459. Who's next?
Next, here's what the Daras did.
Copy !req
460. CHEERING, APPLAUSE
Copy !req
461. Quite a 70's Soviet vibe you
went for.
Copy !req
462. Really wasn't that image that
was in my head for that.
Copy !req
463. Uh, that was applied
retrospectively. Uh...
Copy !req
464. Now it's time for Kearns' turn.
Copy !req
465. I mean, pretty impressive, John.
Copy !req
466. I don't think you'd expect me
to skip like that.
Copy !req
467. C... correct.
Copy !req
468. That's quite Willy Wonka vibe you
had going on, I thought.
Copy !req
469. Yeah, I'm, I'm faster than I look.
Copy !req
470. I'll make a note,
I'll make a note. Yeah.
Copy !req
471. You make a note.
"John is faster than he looks."
Copy !req
472. Oh, well, I'll have to go into
notes.
Copy !req
473. We're at the halfway point
of this episode.
Copy !req
474. We've reached the top of the hill.
It's all downhill from here.
Copy !req
475. Whee!
Copy !req
476. Uh...
Copy !req
477. APPLAUSE, CHEERING
Copy !req
478. Hello, everybody,
and welcome back to Taskmaster.
Copy !req
479. Can you remind us where we were
please, Alex?
Copy !req
480. Yes, we were at Gatwick airport,
Greg.
Copy !req
481. The current task involves having two
walks down two different lanes
Copy !req
482. and trying to get to
the finish line at the same time,
Copy !req
483. mirroring your movement on
each attempt.
Copy !req
484. The only problem is one of the walks
is on a moving travelator.
Copy !req
485. Also, there are two bonus points for
Copy !req
486. the most stylish mirroring,
mirroring, mirror-ing.
Copy !req
487. Talking of mirrors and styling,
here is Munya.
Copy !req
488. Right, here we go, here we go.
Copy !req
489. So one, two, three, turn.
Copy !req
490. Wow.
Copy !req
491. 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.
Copy !req
492. Oh. 22.
Copy !req
493. Spin that round.
Copy !req
494. Drop it low.
Copy !req
495. Ah...
Copy !req
496. Ah.
Copy !req
497. What do you think?
Copy !req
498. Have you finished?
Copy !req
499. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
500. Quite a thing of beauty to watch, I
thought. I was in awe. Yeah.
Copy !req
501. Dara. Um, did he ever
cross the line?
Copy !req
502. Oh, we're like that, is it?
Copy !req
503. Oh, Dara, is this the man who held
milk for a microsecond?
Copy !req
504. Microsecond.
Copy !req
505. Talking to me Mr Wait What
Who What What What.
Copy !req
506. And you all had
a big fucking party about that.
Copy !req
507. Hold me back, John,
hold me back, hold me back.
Copy !req
508. It would seem monstrous
to strip him of his points,
Copy !req
509. but I guess if that's
what Dara wants.
Copy !req
510. Would you count that as the end of
the walk, Greg,
Copy !req
511. I suppose is the question?
Copy !req
512. Yeah, that's, that's the big
question, isn't it?
Copy !req
513. I think enough of that case is over
the line, that's what I think.
Copy !req
514. Yeah... Yeah, Dara.
Copy !req
515. Who's left?
Copy !req
516. Well, finally it's Fern.
Copy !req
517. Ready...
Copy !req
518. Ready.
Copy !req
519. APPLAUSE, CHEERING
Copy !req
520. Sounds like you're a people's
champion anyway.
Copy !req
521. You talk us through
your performance, uh, Fern I, uh...
Copy !req
522. From my point of view,
I've written down,
Copy !req
523. uh, "lacklustre and
wildly inaccurate".
Copy !req
524. I... I tried really hard.
Copy !req
525. I feel like I don't know what's
real any more because...
Copy !req
526. .. because, because at the time,
Copy !req
527. I kind of thought that there
was some airport staff
Copy !req
528. and they were looking at me funny.
Copy !req
529. But I thought, "Oh, they're just
really jealous of my costume".
Copy !req
530. I didn't know it was that bad.
Copy !req
531. Unfortunately, Fern, on one side of
Copy !req
532. the path she did it in 29 seconds,
Copy !req
533. the other in 45 seconds, so there
was a 16-second difference.
Copy !req
534. In comparison, the two Daras had
a four-second difference,
Copy !req
535. the two Munyas a three-second
difference,
Copy !req
536. the two Johns half
a second difference.
Copy !req
537. Sarah negligible difference at all.
Copy !req
538. Wow. So Sarah definitely gets
the five points.
Copy !req
539. Oh.
Copy !req
540. Between Munya
and John for the style points.
Copy !req
541. It's most stylish mirroring.
Copy !req
542. I think one style point is fair.
Copy !req
543. One bonus style point to Munya
and one to John.
Copy !req
544. OK.
Copy !req
545. I'd like another little task,
please.
Copy !req
546. Good, well, here's
a lovely little task
Copy !req
547. where they wear some lovely
little messy hats.
Copy !req
548. Hello.
Oh, hi there.
Copy !req
549. Chri...
Copy !req
550. Hello, Dara.
Copy !req
551. Hello, do you like this?
Copy !req
552. I think so.
Copy !req
553. And, actually, before you open
it, I just need to do something.
Copy !req
554. Wait one second.
Copy !req
555. What you doing?
Copy !req
556. Nothing.
What you doing? Nothing.
Copy !req
557. What you doing? Nothing.
Oh, no.
Copy !req
558. Here it comes.
Copy !req
559. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Copy !req
560. PAINT SQUIRTS
Nothing. That's just rude.
Copy !req
561. You're really pushing me today,
Alex, you know this?
Copy !req
562. Did you just pour paint in my hat?
Copy !req
563. Yes.
Copy !req
564. Oh.
Copy !req
565. May I ask what you're doing?
Copy !req
566. No. Oh, right.
Copy !req
567. Thanks, buddy.
Copy !req
568. You haven't made me... Wow.
Copy !req
569. Yeah.
Copy !req
570. "Strike the bullseye
with your paint."
Copy !req
571. The bullseye must be round
there, then. OK.
Copy !req
572. "You must only step on
the stepping stones
Copy !req
573. "and you must step on all
the stepping stones."
Copy !req
574. You're, wait, what? No. Oh, Jesus.
Copy !req
575. "Also, your hands must be below
your waist at all times."
Copy !req
576. "Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."
Copy !req
577. Interesting, um, reaction from
Dara after he'd spilt
Copy !req
578. a little paint down his front
when he was trying
Copy !req
579. to get his head 'round the task.
Oh, do you wanna hear it? Yeah.
Copy !req
580. You're, wait, what? No.
Copy !req
581. Good, let's go. Yeah, so you've
gotta hit the target with your
paint.
Copy !req
582. You can only step on
the stepping stones.
Copy !req
583. You must step on all
the stepping stones.
Copy !req
584. Hands below the waist, off we go.
First up it's Mun and Fun.
Copy !req
585. Munya and Fern.
Copy !req
586. Your time starts now.
Copy !req
587. OK, Alex, can you talk
whilst I walk, yeah?
Copy !req
588. I think so.
Copy !req
589. What the hell? Alex. Yes?
Copy !req
590. Shit. OK, I need to go back.
I need to get some more. Ah, sh...
Copy !req
591. You've put paint on the flag.
Copy !req
592. Oh...
Copy !req
593. Oh, no.
Copy !req
594. Right, we're back in this.
Copy !req
595. Argh!
Copy !req
596. Is there paint in my hair?
Copy !req
597. Would you like a shower cap? Yeah.
Yeah.
Copy !req
598. Right, I'm in.
Copy !req
599. This is something I learnt...
being a shot girl at uni.
Copy !req
600. I've done it!
Yeah, I've stopped the clock.
Copy !req
601. I don't think of the other people
I'm competing against often enough
Copy !req
602. so I'm thinking of them now,
trying to think how I hate them.
Copy !req
603. Be careful on this bit.
Copy !req
604. Oops. Did you see that?
Copy !req
605. No.
Copy !req
606. Fuck's sake!
Copy !req
607. Ugh.
Copy !req
608. No, it's a bit further than that.
Copy !req
609. You're nearly there.
Copy !req
610. Ugh.
Copy !req
611. A bigger contrast between
the two approaches
Copy !req
612. you couldn't possibly see.
Copy !req
613. No, I was trying very hard
during that one,
Copy !req
614. but I'm not all, like,
Munya, leaping about and stuff.
Copy !req
615. No, I wrote down, "Munya is
an unnecessary action hero."
Copy !req
616. He does action hero moves when he
could just step over something.
Copy !req
617. When I was at uni, I used to be in
an American football team. Yeah?
Copy !req
618. And our motto was
"speed and violence",
Copy !req
619. so basically what that means is
everything you do in life,
Copy !req
620. speed and violence.
Copy !req
621. What about, like, knitting?
Copy !req
622. Speed and violence!
Copy !req
623. I have a motto, er...
Copy !req
624. Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
625. It's in Latin, it's, er,
"waitus, whatus?"
Copy !req
626. Hmm, I mean, Munya was breathtaking
to watch.
Copy !req
627. There was a tiny little speck
of paint in the bull's-eye.
Copy !req
628. He did it in 1 minute 30.
It was unbelievably quick.
Copy !req
629. Yeah, but I thought that Fern was
breathtaking to watch as well.
Copy !req
630. Yes, yes.
Copy !req
631. What did she do it in?
Copy !req
632. Uh, five-and-a-half minutes.
Copy !req
633. Come on let's crack on.
Copy !req
634. All right, well there's two more
people now
Copy !req
635. and I've fudged their names together
to make Sarah MilliKearns.
Copy !req
636. Sarah and John.
Copy !req
637. So hands below your waist.
Copy !req
638. Hands. Can that not do for balance?
Copy !req
639. Yeah, that's perfect.
That's a bit unfair.
Copy !req
640. Did you wanna check the task? Yeah.
Copy !req
641. Well, you can only step on
stepping stones.
Copy !req
642. Oh, no.
Copy !req
643. Oh, you're kidding me!
Copy !req
644. Yeah, right.
Copy !req
645. I mean, yeah, I knew it.
Copy !req
646. Ooh, bugger.
Copy !req
647. I mean, I've gone from there
to there!
Copy !req
648. I mean, it's madness,
how far I've gone.
Copy !req
649. Hold on.
Copy !req
650. Ah, you're reversing.
Copy !req
651. Right, you've just got to stretch,
ain't you?
Copy !req
652. Ah, well done, John.
Copy !req
653. Yeah.
Copy !req
654. How high is my camera?
Copy !req
655. Oh, I've got paint on my..!
Copy !req
656. You're through. Oh.
Copy !req
657. Ah...
Copy !req
658. HE EXHALES
Copy !req
659. Right.
Copy !req
660. Bull's-eye.
Copy !req
661. Is there one on the bull's-eye?
Copy !req
662. Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
663. Whoa. Yeah.
Copy !req
664. The contrast with John
was sensational.
Copy !req
665. It's literally like watching
an alien pretend to be human.
Copy !req
666. Significantly worse than Fern.
Copy !req
667. Yes, eight minutes
and three seconds.
Copy !req
668. Eight minutes?
Copy !req
669. Eight minutes and three seconds,
yes. Christ, what was I doing?
Copy !req
670. Fern's now looking pretty good,
Copy !req
671. especially because we can see
a picture of Sarah's hands,
Copy !req
672. er, just slightly above her waist.
Copy !req
673. Oh, yes.
Copy !req
674. Yeah, yeah, fair enough,
they are a little bit...
Copy !req
675. I had very high-waisted
trousers on there.
Copy !req
676. And sadly I do have to show you this
photo as well, Greg, this one here.
Copy !req
677. Yeah.
Copy !req
678. I do have to show you one other
thing as well, which is this.
Copy !req
679. Oh, no.
Copy !req
680. Step on all the stepping stones.
Copy !req
681. Yeah.
Copy !req
682. Got to speed this up.
Copy !req
683. Shall I go in here?
Copy !req
684. All the information's
on the task, Munya.
Copy !req
685. You must step on all
the stepping stones.
Copy !req
686. You're labouring that a bit.
Copy !req
687. You put paint on the flag.
Copy !req
688. Yeah, OK.
Copy !req
689. I need this.
Copy !req
690. Right, OK.
Copy !req
691. Right, we're back in this.
Copy !req
692. We're back in.
Copy !req
693. They're dropping like flies!
Copy !req
694. I tried to warn them.
I tried to help.
Copy !req
695. Just sounded like you were
being really monotonous.
Copy !req
696. And I just sort of tuned you out.
Copy !req
697. Sorry, Alex. "All of them, please,
all of them, please."
Copy !req
698. It's like a bored bloke
operating a funfair ride.
Copy !req
699. It's the end of part three
Copy !req
700. and we're another step closer
to someone being poisoned
Copy !req
701. by Dara O Briain's raw turkey.
Copy !req
702. Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.
Copy !req
703. It's part four of four.
Copy !req
704. Yes, and there are four losers over
there who failed in obeying
Copy !req
705. the simple instructions to step on
all the stepping stones.
Copy !req
706. Hands below their waists before
striking the target with the paint.
Copy !req
707. It's such a shame.
Copy !req
708. Thankfully, there is still one ray
of hope,
Copy !req
709. but his name isn't Ray O Hope -
it's Dara O Briain.
Copy !req
710. Ray O Hope!
Copy !req
711. Only stepping stones.
Copy !req
712. OK.
Copy !req
713. Lovely.
Copy !req
714. Wait, what?
Copy !req
715. Jesus.
Copy !req
716. All right, that should
be enough for now.
Copy !req
717. Ah, right.
Copy !req
718. Oh, bull's-eye!
Copy !req
719. I've stopped the clock.
Copy !req
720. That's got to make up for some of
the
Copy !req
721. other things in this episode,
hasn't it?
Copy !req
722. Wait, what?
Copy !req
723. "Wait, what?" aside, exemplary work.
Copy !req
724. Thank you. How are you
feeling now, though?
Copy !req
725. Ah, there's this
faint chink of light.
Copy !req
726. Er... I'm just waiting for the shoe
to drop.
Copy !req
727. Waiting for you to go, "But then..."
Copy !req
728. Come on, stop waiting for
the shoe to drop.
Copy !req
729. No, it was great.
Yeah, it was great.
Copy !req
730. Do you wanna see his best bits
cos he was so graceful?
Copy !req
731. Oh, yeah, that'd be nice.
Copy !req
732. OK. Here's Dara's best bits. Yeah.
Copy !req
733. How much paint do I have now?
Copy !req
734. Shoe.
Copy !req
735. That seems a little harsh.
Copy !req
736. I think it's awful, Dara.
Copy !req
737. It's an awful way to end,
but that's Taskmaster.
Copy !req
738. Mm-hm. He would've been quick.
4 minutes 45. I mean, not...
Copy !req
739. Oh, it's quick as well.
Copy !req
740. Yeah, not as quick as Munya,
of course, 1 minute 30,
Copy !req
741. but nobody completed the task.
Copy !req
742. So nobody gets a point.
Copy !req
743. Is there any point in looking
at the scores after that?
Copy !req
744. Probably not, but let's do it
anyway.
Copy !req
745. She's in the lead with
15 points, it's Sarah Millican.
Copy !req
746. Hey!
Copy !req
747. OK, everyone, before you head
up to the stage, Alex has
Copy !req
748. a very important question for you.
Copy !req
749. Yes, I do.
Copy !req
750. I'll start with you, Dara.
Inches or feet?
Copy !req
751. Inches.
Copy !req
752. Fern, inches or feet?
Copy !req
753. Feet.
Copy !req
754. John. Feet.
Copy !req
755. Munya. Feet.
Copy !req
756. And then, finally, Sarah Millican.
Copy !req
757. Inches. Thank you.
Copy !req
758. Curiouser and curiouser.
Copy !req
759. Good. Please make your way to the
stage
Copy !req
760. for the final task of the show!
Copy !req
761. They got what they wanted.
Copy !req
762. I don't know what's more
heartbreaking, short or long.
Copy !req
763. Who's going to read the task, Alex?
Copy !req
764. John is going to read the task.
Copy !req
765. All right, John.
Copy !req
766. "Paint a picture of a unicorn
using your head brush.
Copy !req
767. "You may not handle your
head brush at any point.
Copy !req
768. "You have two minutes."
Copy !req
769. That's it - paint a
picture of a unicorn.
Copy !req
770. Would you like them to paint
a specific unicorn?
Copy !req
771. I'd like him to be prancing.
Copy !req
772. You have two minutes starting...
Copy !req
773. Five, four, three, two,
one!
Copy !req
774. WHISTLE BLOWS
Copy !req
775. OK, please step back on
your circles.
Copy !req
776. Show me them prancers.
Copy !req
777. We're going to start
with Dara O Briain.
Copy !req
778. The short brush has got to be
an advantage, surely?
Copy !req
779. Is it, though? Is it?
Copy !req
780. Oh...
Copy !req
781. Oh!
Copy !req
782. That is one jaunty prancer.
Copy !req
783. Hello, Fern. Hello.
Copy !req
784. Here we go!
Copy !req
785. Which end's which?
Copy !req
786. Well! Well, it's got a horn coming
out with some green
Copy !req
787. and different colours and...
Oh, yeah.
Copy !req
788. What I see is two fences,
a big orange and a pepper.
Copy !req
789. Hello, John. Hi, hi.
Copy !req
790. Going to regret this?
Copy !req
791. Yeah, cool.
Copy !req
792. You know where the horn is, though,
at least.
Copy !req
793. I know where the big red line is.
Copy !req
794. It's next to the four green lines.
Copy !req
795. Not bad, not bad.
Copy !req
796. "Not bad"?
It looks like a long-legged lobster.
Copy !req
797. But at least it looks
like a creature.
Copy !req
798. And, finally, hello, Sarah. Hi.
Copy !req
799. Oh.
Copy !req
800. Oh.
Copy !req
801. Lovely.
Copy !req
802. I tried to show movement,
but that just ended up as flowers.
Copy !req
803. It looks like Troy's horse.
Copy !req
804. It's a powerful beast. Thanks.
Copy !req
805. Oh! So you lot chose inches.
Copy !req
806. Greg, you need to
judge these right now.
Copy !req
807. OK, well, I'm giving John Kearns
Copy !req
808. one point because he's done
a series of lines.
Copy !req
809. One point to John.
Copy !req
810. I'm giving two points to a
woman who's drawn two fences,
Copy !req
811. a pepper and an orange. Fern Brady.
Copy !req
812. I'm giving three points to
the long-legged lobster.
Copy !req
813. Congratulations, Munya.
Copy !req
814. I'm giving four points to the
majestic horse of Troy, being as it
Copy !req
815. is standing in twilight, waiting,
Copy !req
816. but there's only one unicorn
prancing in that row.
Copy !req
817. Bam - Dara O Briain takes
the five points. Well done, Dara.
Copy !req
818. Come down, let's see how that's
affected the final scores.
Copy !req
819. Well, well, well. Exactly.
Copy !req
820. Yeah. Yeah, I think we've
learnt a lot there.
Copy !req
821. Oh, God, we have.
Copy !req
822. Much easier to have a
six-inch paintbrush
Copy !req
823. than a six foot paintbrush.
Copy !req
824. Strapped to your head. Yeah. Yeah.
Copy !req
825. And I guess that's why that's
what size they normally are.
Copy !req
826. Well, it has been a...
Copy !req
827. ..a one-unicorn race.
Copy !req
828. With 19 points, the winner is
Sarah Millican!
Copy !req
829. Sarah wins!
Please pop up to pocket your post.
Copy !req
830. Bye, everyone.
Copy !req
831. Before we go, please cheer one more
time for today's winner,
Copy !req
832. Sarah Millican!
Copy !req