1. This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.Copy !req
2. Hello. Good evening to you
and a warm welcome toCopy !req
3. Taskmaster or, as my nan calls it,Copy !req
4. "What, that silly thing you do
where you pretend you're crossCopy !req
5. "because a comedian hasn't counted
some ducks properly or something?"Copy !req
6. "Get lost, Nan,
you haven't even seen it!Copy !req
7. "You've been dead for 15 years!Copy !req
8. "You're such a chopsy nan.
Why can't you just say, 'Ooh!'"Copy !req
9. Have they not got
a ghost knitting club?Copy !req
10. Back in this dimension,
things are going well for someCopy !req
11. and really badly for others.Copy !req
12. Please welcome our earthly fiveCopy !req
13. who are still alive - they areCopy !req
14. Dara O Briain,Copy !req
15. Fern Brady,Copy !req
16. John Kearns,Copy !req
17. Munya ChawawaCopy !req
18. and Sarah Millican.Copy !req
19. And next to me a man
who dots the I'sCopy !req
20. and crosses the T's, he wets
the bed, he likes to please,Copy !req
21. he cries a lot, his winkle smells,Copy !req
22. and he still shoplifts
to get attention.Copy !req
23. It's horrible Alex Horne!Copy !req
24. Hi.Copy !req
25. Hi! Hi. How have you been since
the last show?Copy !req
26. Terrific, thank you.
I've joined a cult.Copy !req
27. Oh, have you?
Love it, love it. Love the cult.Copy !req
28. Yeah. Just a small one,
just the three of us.Copy !req
29. Me, my wife, Alan.Copy !req
30. That's it, just the three of us
in Alan's vehicle.Copy !req
31. Right, and what do you do in there?Copy !req
32. Never you mind, Greg!Copy !req
33. Right, then, on with
the show proper.Copy !req
34. What's the old prize task then?Copy !req
35. Hmm. Great question, Greg.Copy !req
36. I'm on it, Papa GD,Copy !req
37. and today you have asked them
to bring in the best thingCopy !req
38. you've ever received in the post.Copy !req
39. Ooh!Copy !req
40. Hey, guys, remember post?Copy !req
41. They shove stuff through
a hole in your door.Copy !req
42. Greg here will give five points to
the person he thinks has brought inCopy !req
43. the best thing they've received
in the postCopy !req
44. and then at the end of the show
the overall winner will take homeCopy !req
45. all five things
to start a new life in a new home.Copy !req
46. It's very post- uh, modern.Copy !req
47. Munya!Copy !req
48. So I have bought in
the Suckertron 3000.Copy !req
49. Here it is. This isn't the official
name, so don't Google it cos I,Copy !req
50. I don't know what's gonna come up.Copy !req
51. Greg, have you ever been sat there
on your laptop devouring a bagCopy !req
52. of crisps and you look down
at the keyboardCopy !req
53. and there's enough crumbs
to feed a small family? Yeah.Copy !req
54. That ever happen to you?
Of course it has.Copy !req
55. OK, now. Have a look!Copy !req
56. This thing here sucks those crumbs.Copy !req
57. Although I have googled
Suckertron 3000.Copy !req
58. Yeah? Ooh!Copy !req
59. God!Copy !req
60. It comes up some...Copy !req
61. That looks like it smells!Copy !req
62. Sarah, can you beat a mini vacuum?Copy !req
63. So, from the age of about ten or 12,
I've loved Phillip SchofieldCopy !req
64. and I had a lot of posters of himCopy !req
65. and I took a photo of myself,
of me in my bedroom,Copy !req
66. with my perm and all of my posters
of Phillip SchofieldCopy !req
67. and I sent it to him,
presumably for him to keep.Copy !req
68. He sent it back.Copy !req
69. This came through
the post to Sarah.Copy !req
70. Aww!Copy !req
71. Whoa.Copy !req
72. Shit's weird.Copy !req
73. Look how pleased I am!Copy !req
74. He's not on the, uh,
crucifix, is he?Copy !req
75. A true fan!Copy !req
76. It's sort of so on
the line between being quite sweetCopy !req
77. and being terrifying.Copy !req
78. This is very strong so far.Copy !req
79. So far. Who's next? Fern.Copy !req
80. I don't know if this is the best
thing or the worst thingCopy !req
81. but for years now my mum
has been sending meCopy !req
82. the most unbelievably ugly pants,
uh, that I've ever seen.Copy !req
83. Here are Fern's mum's pants.Copy !req
84. My mum I believe was sending me
these as some sortCopy !req
85. of ch-chastity belt type thing.Copy !req
86. Uh, and was there a note with them?Copy !req
87. Uh, just, "This is
a little present for you."Copy !req
88. "Love, Mum."Copy !req
89. Yeah.Copy !req
90. John can you beat some, erm,
special pants?Copy !req
91. I've gone down the same route
Sarah has.Copy !req
92. OK. Nostalgia.Copy !req
93. Yeah. My, uh,
Dennis the Menace Fan ClubCopy !req
94. membership and badges.Copy !req
95. Here it is.
Sweet.Copy !req
96. I'm surprised, John,Copy !req
97. because I was a member
of that as well.Copy !req
98. But surely there's
a significant gulf in our ages.Copy !req
99. Yeah, two generations I had down.
All right!Copy !req
100. You know if you met a,
uh, another member...Copy !req
101. Which you just have.Copy !req
102. .. Yeah, so I say, "Ding," you say...Copy !req
103. Dong!Copy !req
104. Dong stood for Dennis
Owns Naughty Gnasher.Copy !req
105. Can't, I can't remember what Ding
stood for!Copy !req
106. "Dennis Is Never Good,"
is the ding one. Ah.Copy !req
107. Yeah. That's really sweet, John,Copy !req
108. and very clever cos you've tapped
into my childhood as well.Copy !req
109. Um, Dara.Copy !req
110. I brought a thing that shouldn't be
sent in the post,Copy !req
111. uh, which is an entire turkey.Copy !req
112. Here it is.Copy !req
113. Wow!Copy !req
114. My mother's cousins lived in
County Mayo, they had a farm,Copy !req
115. uh, and every Christmas
they would send usCopy !req
116. the turkey we ate at Christmas.Copy !req
117. This was full turkey,Copy !req
118. head squeezed in, box
just wrapped around it,Copy !req
119. misshapen. You'd pop it up, like,
whatever, "Bwark!"Copy !req
120. Uh, and it would appear.Copy !req
121. Proper pre-butcher turkey
in the post.Copy !req
122. And we had to collect it
from the post depotCopy !req
123. every year round about mid-December.Copy !req
124. Yeah, someone's gonna win
that tonight.Copy !req
125. It's best thing
to receive through the post, Greg.Copy !req
126. What's the worst thing
to receive through the post?Copy !req
127. I mean probably the worst thing
to receive,Copy !req
128. and I think she'd agree
with me, is Fern's mum's pants.Copy !req
129. Don't, but don't keep saying "Mum's
pants" cos she might be upsetCopy !req
130. when this goes out!Copy !req
131. You're only getting one point
and she's gonna be angry anyway.Copy !req
132. What? I'm only getting one?
It's the best thing.Copy !req
133. Oh, yeah. I see.
The competition was the best thing.Copy !req
134. Yeah, yeah.
Right so one point to Fern Brady.Copy !req
135. I mean in many ways it's the thing
that makes my heart sing the most.Copy !req
136. But I also think it's awful
to get a turkey through the post.Copy !req
137. It's not the best thing.Copy !req
138. It was at Christmas.
I'm not suggesting for a secondCopy !req
139. that your Christmases
weren't heartbreaking, Dara.Copy !req
140. OK, so two points to Dara O Briain.Copy !req
141. He tapped into my childhood.Copy !req
142. We crossed the generations like
the true Ding-Dongers we are.Copy !req
143. I'll give him three points.
OK, three points to John Kearns.Copy !req
144. Yeah, yeah. Well done. So, it's the
top two now. Munya or Sarah.Copy !req
145. Let me tell you - my keyboard
looks like a war zone.Copy !req
146. But I'm only gonna give it
four points. Oh.Copy !req
147. Obviously the best thing
to get through the post isCopy !req
148. a picture of Sarah Millican
surrounded by Philip Schofields.Copy !req
149. Everyone knows that.
There it is, five points.Copy !req
150. Five points. Well done,
Sarah Millican.Copy !req
151. What's first, please?Copy !req
152. Mmm-mmm... mmmilk!Copy !req
153. Hello.
Hello, Munya.Copy !req
154. Oh. I love milk!Copy !req
155. Microwaves on plinths.Copy !req
156. Milk on microwaves.Copy !req
157. Oh, what we having for tea?Copy !req
158. Bread.Copy !req
159. Peas.Copy !req
160. Yes, there's five minutes
to go on that.Copy !req
161. And there is just a minuteCopy !req
162. to go on what appears
to be just bread.Copy !req
163. Is this just your lunch?
There's a lot of peasCopy !req
164. for one person.
I would worry about your guts.Copy !req
165. Do you like peas?Copy !req
166. Erm, I don't like milky peas.Copy !req
167. And there's a little bowl
there as well. Yeah.Copy !req
168. So stuff's gotta get mixed.
Stuff's gotta get mixed.Copy !req
169. Shall I open my task?Copy !req
170. I wouldn't open it yet.Copy !req
171. OK. Mm-hm.Copy !req
172. I wouldn't open it yet.Copy !req
173. I wouldn't open it yet
if I were you. No?Copy !req
174. I wouldn't open it just yet.Copy !req
175. Why? I'm just saying
I wouldn't open it yet.Copy !req
176. I should open this because, you
know, this thing's counting down.Copy !req
177. Yeah. And you just said, "Well, I
wouldn't if I were you," kind of...Copy !req
178. I wouldn't if I were you. But that's
the kind of thing where it'll getCopy !req
179. to two minutes and you go,
"Why didn't you open it?" Mm-hm.Copy !req
180. So I'm not allowed
to look at this yet?Copy !req
181. You're allowed to look at that
whenever you want.Copy !req
182. You said no, though.
You're allowed to.Copy !req
183. I just said
I wouldn't if I were you.Copy !req
184. Why? I know what's in it.Copy !req
185. Let me ask you, er, Sarah,
uh, all of you,Copy !req
186. how does it make you feel when
Alex does something like that?Copy !req
187. What emotional response?Copy !req
188. No, no, I'm, I'm sorry are we doing
therapy now? Uh...Copy !req
189. Just wondering how it makes you feel
about Alex, that's all.Copy !req
190. I feel powerless. Uh, I feel...Copy !req
191. Come on, milky peas.Copy !req
192. Ooh, I've got a nickname.Copy !req
193. Well, we're gonna begin by standing
firm with John and Fern.Copy !req
194. Well, when do I open it?Copy !req
195. Whenever you want.Copy !req
196. Wouldn't open it yet if I were you.
Yeah, but you're not me.Copy !req
197. What's your name? John.Copy !req
198. Star sign? Kearns.Copy !req
199. Really? What did you ask me?Copy !req
200. Star sign.Copy !req
201. Oh! Well,
people usually go "First name...Copy !req
202. Right.Copy !req
203. .. then they go, "last name".Copy !req
204. Right. Aries.Copy !req
205. Hmm.Copy !req
206. 28 minutes.Copy !req
207. Place of birth?Copy !req
208. St Thomas' Hospital.Copy !req
209. Are you opening it?
Do you want me to open it?Copy !req
210. I wouldn't open it.
But why are you saying that?Copy !req
211. What's your star sign?Copy !req
212. Gemini.Copy !req
213. How high can you jump?Copy !req
214. Ooh.Copy !req
215. A foot?Copy !req
216. PING!Copy !req
217. Ah, bread's ready.Copy !req
218. What's with all the questions?Copy !req
219. Who's your favourite singer, John?
Uh, Rufus Wainwright.Copy !req
220. Yuk.Copy !req
221. Ah.Copy !req
222. Got more questions if you
want them. Yeah, go on, then.Copy !req
223. Phobias? No, nothing.Copy !req
224. Biggest regret?
I'm not gonna sayCopy !req
225. I live my life without regrets
but I tend not to dwell on them.Copy !req
226. Just give me a regret.Copy !req
227. I don't really have any
but I'm not one of these kindCopy !req
228. of people that doesn't
have regrets.Copy !req
229. So you do have regrets.
I've got regrets, yeah.Copy !req
230. Right, what's your biggest one?Copy !req
231. Fuck this. You been to Greece?
No, no, you're mad. Huh?Copy !req
232. Have you been to Greece?
No. All right.Copy !req
233. Within 30 seconds
of opening this task...Copy !req
234. You must pick up both milk bottlesCopy !req
235. and hold them directly above
the microwaves.Copy !req
236. The clock stops when
a milk bottle, hand...Copy !req
237. Or arm...
Touches the microwave.Copy !req
238. Or is no longer directly
above a microwave.Copy !req
239. Lowest number on the clock winsCopy !req
240. but if the clock reaches zero
you're disqualified.Copy !req
241. I'm a strong boy.Copy !req
242. I'm not joking. I've had
a shoulder injury recently that,Copy !req
243. er, and I cannae... Mm.Copy !req
244. You can put... there we go.
Thank you.Copy !req
245. Few regrets now. Mm-hm.Copy !req
246. Well, I tried to warn you.Copy !req
247. Um...Copy !req
248. It's just struck the microwave
there so I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
249. That's why I didn't want you
to open the task.Copy !req
250. Why?Copy !req
251. Well, so the clock
would go down more.Copy !req
252. Oh, so it's OK, so I'm...
Someone might do worse.Copy !req
253. Yeah, someone might do worse.
OK. OK, bye!Copy !req
254. I quote John during
the actual task - "Fuck this!"Copy !req
255. Cos he kept asking me
my biggest regret.Copy !req
256. You don't have regrets.Copy !req
257. Although you're not someone
who DOESN'T have regrets.Copy !req
258. I've got regrets,
we've all got regrets.Copy !req
259. We've all got regrets.
But I don't live with them.Copy !req
260. So where are they?Copy !req
261. Oh, they're up there.Copy !req
262. But I don't go there.Copy !req
263. You shut the door. Oh,
they're high, they're top shelf.Copy !req
264. They're top shelf.
You can't reach them.Copy !req
265. Oh, they're too...
You can't get to them!Copy !req
266. Uh... I, I can't get to my regrets!Copy !req
267. Fern, enjoy that task?Copy !req
268. No, like, I did have
a shoulder injury.Copy !req
269. How'd you injure your shoulder?Copy !req
270. I went to the gymCopy !req
271. and then I was trying to compete
with the man next to me.Copy !req
272. Do you regret the whole thing
down the gym or not?Copy !req
273. Yeah, uh, I, I do really regret it!Copy !req
274. It really messed me up for agesCopy !req
275. and then meant I messed up
that task.Copy !req
276. Well, maybe take that regret
and pop it in John's mind shelf!Copy !req
277. All right, it's the end of part one.Copy !req
278. We're gonna have
a break while you haveCopy !req
279. a conversation about doing
an online food shop.Copy !req
280. You used to make love,
so make love, now!Copy !req
281. He'll time you!
Go!Copy !req
282. Hello, again! welcome back
to Taskmaster.Copy !req
283. It's part two and there's
a lab-based task in play.Copy !req
284. Yes, and it's a fiendish one.Copy !req
285. Next up it's Dairy Dara,Copy !req
286. Sarah Milkycan and
Milkman Munya. Here we go.Copy !req
287. What's your star sign?Copy !req
288. Uh... Aquarius.Copy !req
289. I've got more questions.
I bet you do.Copy !req
290. What's your name? Sarah.Copy !req
291. Sarah...? Millican.Copy !req
292. How high can you jump, or what's
the highest you've ever jumped?Copy !req
293. Just little.
Like, the size of a mouse.Copy !req
294. What's your name?Copy !req
295. no, I'm not playing.
Let, let me, let me check this.Copy !req
296. Within 30 seconds
of opening this task you must...Copy !req
297. "Pick up both milk bottles and hold
them directly above the microwaves."Copy !req
298. Any opinions on milk?Copy !req
299. Gives me the shits.Copy !req
300. How much do you need to have?Copy !req
301. I wouldn't want THAT amount.Copy !req
302. That's six pints.Copy !req
303. Might as well just pour it straight
through. Um...Copy !req
304. Well, Jesus, "but as the clock
reaches zero you are disqualified."Copy !req
305. Oh, well, you've...Copy !req
306. Wait, what?Copy !req
307. Hang on, what? Wait. Wait, what?Copy !req
308. Lift them above the microwaves,
ready?Copy !req
309. Right, OK.Copy !req
310. Yes.Copy !req
311. Well done. You see that? Yeah.Copy !req
312. Gotta keep my biceps contracted.Copy !req
313. Like a constipated eagle.Copy !req
314. Oh.Copy !req
315. It's exciting, isn't it, even
after all these years?Copy !req
316. Isn't it exciting
when a microwave pings?Copy !req
317. Wait, what, what, what clock?Copy !req
318. Have I, have I stopped?
Yeah, you stopped.Copy !req
319. Yeah, you put the milk bottles on
the microwave. Oh, no!Copy !req
320. Arse.Copy !req
321. Oh, you know what?
We're gonna do it.Copy !req
322. Uh, hold them up.Copy !req
323. Ooh, I need to lift them up like
that. This is heavy.Copy !req
324. Yeah.Copy !req
325. Shoulders are starting
to hurt a bit.Copy !req
326. Could technically raise my arms.Copy !req
327. Yes, you must be over the,
directly over the microwaves still.Copy !req
328. I don't know if this is more
difficult or easier.Copy !req
329. It's impressive.Copy !req
330. Ah.Copy !req
331. How long have I been doing this?Copy !req
332. Three minutes.Copy !req
333. At no point did you say they had
to be full though, did you?Copy !req
334. Take that off.
Right.Copy !req
335. Yeah.Copy !req
336. Yeah, I was tempted to
throw it on you.Copy !req
337. AUDIENCE WHOOPS, APPLAUSECopy !req
338. Sorry, everybody.Copy !req
339. Ah, like a milky torture.Copy !req
340. Ooh.Copy !req
341. That's it,
milk just got the microwave.Copy !req
342. Yeah.Copy !req
343. Well, now that's just touched there
I'm afraid. Oh, has it?Copy !req
344. Yeah, so that's enough.Copy !req
345. Oh, no. Look at my boots.Copy !req
346. No, look at the floor, Sarah.Copy !req
347. Oh, I should've tipped them
out before.Copy !req
348. I could've brought that to you.Copy !req
349. Sorry, everybody.Copy !req
350. To drain the milky vessels.Copy !req
351. Mm. Very clever. Very clever.Copy !req
352. I felt, I didn't wanna make a messCopy !req
353. and I felt really bad
I made such a mess.Copy !req
354. Throughout the series whenever,Copy !req
355. when Munya, when you came into the
lab, every time he went,Copy !req
356. "It stinks in here". Oh.Copy !req
357. Throughout the series. That's her.Copy !req
358. Uh, and if you,Copy !req
359. if you think that's bad you should
go round to Dara's at Christmas.Copy !req
360. So they cleaned and there was a
pocket they couldn't findCopy !req
361. cos it still stank and then
eventually it was found.Copy !req
362. It... it was under the flooring.Copy !req
363. Millican's milky pocket.Copy !req
364. Now stark contrast,Copy !req
365. get a bit confused, old man?Copy !req
366. That has haunted me, that task.Copy !req
367. And it is on a low rung of
the regret shelves. Uh...Copy !req
368. Oh, one you can easily access.Copy !req
369. Oh, it's eye level.
It is absolutely eye level.Copy !req
370. But much like on a summer's day if
you wandering through a meadowCopy !req
371. and you might just catch
a beautiful butterfly.Copy !req
372. We've caught the moment
where Dara realisedCopy !req
373. that he's totally fucked this.Copy !req
374. Wait, what?Copy !req
375. Hang on, what? Wait.Copy !req
376. Wait, what?Copy !req
377. Yes.Copy !req
378. So it's "wait, what?" Yes. "What?
Wait. Wait, what?"Wait, what?"Copy !req
379. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
380. Munya does everything
with absolute commitment.Copy !req
381. It's incredible.Copy !req
382. I imagine you clean your teeth like
let's do, let's do this.Copy !req
383. In my mind I felt like
Moses and the Red Sea.Copy !req
384. Know what I mean,
just holding the milk.Copy !req
385. Fricking, the microwave is blowing
that's Jesus whispering to me.Copy !req
386. Honestly it, it, I had a vision.Copy !req
387. Well, yeah, I mean, Sarah did it
well in every single way.Copy !req
388. She, she delayed the most with
the questionsCopy !req
389. and then she found a technique
so she did well.Copy !req
390. Lowest number wins.
Dara, unfortunately, comes last.Copy !req
391. 26 minutes 55.Copy !req
392. Fern gets two points
with 26 minutes and four seconds.Copy !req
393. Then Munya who held them up for over
four minutes, which is amazing.Copy !req
394. They're, each one is the weight of
a chihuahua, genuinely.Copy !req
395. Uh, 25 minutes and four seconds.Copy !req
396. John held out longer than
you, though.Copy !req
397. 23 minutes and 30 seconds.
Sarah wins it, though,Copy !req
398. with 16 minutes and 58 seconds
and five points.Copy !req
399. Wow.Copy !req
400. CHEERING, APPLAUSECopy !req
401. Right, scoreboard, please.Copy !req
402. Well, I can tell you Dara
and Fern are in joint last,Copy !req
403. John and Munya in joint second.Copy !req
404. Sarah, though, is in the lead
with ten points.Copy !req
405. Well, I, for one, am ready
for another.Copy !req
406. Oh, well, I'm ready for a holiday.Copy !req
407. Hello. What's on your iPad?Copy !req
408. Oh, Fern Brady.Copy !req
409. Is that you?Copy !req
410. Uh, that's me, yeah.Copy !req
411. Dara O Briain?Copy !req
412. Yes, that's me.Copy !req
413. I'm waiting for Munya Chawawa.Copy !req
414. Yes, that's me, you even spelt my
name right. Sick.Copy !req
415. Hello. Welcome home.
Is this your suitcase?Copy !req
416. No, that's your suitcase.Copy !req
417. Oh, no.Copy !req
418. Where are we off to today?Copy !req
419. "Get to the end of the lanes in
exactly the same amount of time."Copy !req
420. One lane, two lanes.Copy !req
421. "That time must be
under one minute."Copy !req
422. "Closest two times wins."Copy !req
423. "Also, you must mirror yourself
during your attempts."Copy !req
424. "There are two bonus points for
the most stylish mirroring."Copy !req
425. Mirroring.Copy !req
426. Mirror-ing.Copy !req
427. "Both attempts must take place
within the next ten minutes."Copy !req
428. This is lane one, there... Yeah.Copy !req
429. .. on the flat. Yeah.Copy !req
430. This is lane two, it's a travelator.
Yeah.Copy !req
431. And you wanna reach to the ends of
them at exactly the same time.Copy !req
432. I can tell you, if you were
stationary on that... Yes.Copy !req
433. .. takes about one minute 25.Copy !req
434. The time I do it in must be
under a minute,Copy !req
435. so I cannot be stationary on it.Copy !req
436. Hmm, sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.Copy !req
437. Well, there's no, there's no point
going quick on hereCopy !req
438. because that'll mean I have
to go double quick there.Copy !req
439. Can you go double quick?Copy !req
440. Greg will give style points to
the most stylish people.Copy !req
441. From Greg?Copy !req
442. Style points from Greg.Copy !req
443. Right, it's a pretty
straightforward thing.Copy !req
444. just a personal note, I
absolutely love those things.Copy !req
445. I genuinely could ride one
of those all day.Copy !req
446. It's not that interesting,
but I'm, I'm never more at peace.Copy !req
447. Shall I show them what they did?Copy !req
448. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, have a look at them, yeah.Copy !req
449. First up it's Sarah and Sarah.Copy !req
450. Good luck.
Thank you.Copy !req
451. Good luck. Thank you.Copy !req
452. CHEERING, APPLAUSECopy !req
453. Well, it was very accurate.Copy !req
454. Thank you.
It says do it stylishly.Copy !req
455. I had a nice coat on.Copy !req
456. She had a nice coat.Copy !req
457. Who's next?
Next, here's what the Daras did.Copy !req
458. CHEERING, APPLAUSECopy !req
459. Quite a 70's Soviet vibe you
went for.Copy !req
460. Really wasn't that image that
was in my head for that.Copy !req
461. Uh, that was applied
retrospectively. Uh...Copy !req
462. Now it's time for Kearns' turn.Copy !req
463. I mean, pretty impressive, John.Copy !req
464. I don't think you'd expect me
to skip like that.Copy !req
465. C... correct.Copy !req
466. That's quite Willy Wonka vibe you
had going on, I thought.Copy !req
467. Yeah, I'm, I'm faster than I look.Copy !req
468. I'll make a note,
I'll make a note. Yeah.Copy !req
469. You make a note.
"John is faster than he looks."Copy !req
470. Oh, well, I'll have to go into
notes.Copy !req
471. We're at the halfway point
of this episode.Copy !req
472. We've reached the top of the hill.
It's all downhill from here.Copy !req
473. Whee!Copy !req
474. Uh...Copy !req
475. APPLAUSE, CHEERINGCopy !req
476. Hello, everybody,
and welcome back to Taskmaster.Copy !req
477. Can you remind us where we were
please, Alex?Copy !req
478. Yes, we were at Gatwick airport,
Greg.Copy !req
479. The current task involves having two
walks down two different lanesCopy !req
480. and trying to get to
the finish line at the same time,Copy !req
481. mirroring your movement on
each attempt.Copy !req
482. The only problem is one of the walks
is on a moving travelator.Copy !req
483. Also, there are two bonus points forCopy !req
484. the most stylish mirroring,
mirroring, mirror-ing.Copy !req
485. Talking of mirrors and styling,
here is Munya.Copy !req
486. Right, here we go, here we go.Copy !req
487. So one, two, three, turn.Copy !req
488. Wow.Copy !req
489. 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.Copy !req
490. Oh. 22.Copy !req
491. Spin that round.Copy !req
492. Drop it low.Copy !req
493. Ah...Copy !req
494. Ah.Copy !req
495. What do you think?Copy !req
496. Have you finished?Copy !req
497. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
498. Quite a thing of beauty to watch, I
thought. I was in awe. Yeah.Copy !req
499. Dara. Um, did he ever
cross the line?Copy !req
500. Oh, we're like that, is it?Copy !req
501. Oh, Dara, is this the man who held
milk for a microsecond?Copy !req
502. Microsecond.Copy !req
503. Talking to me Mr Wait What
Who What What What.Copy !req
504. And you all had
a big fucking party about that.Copy !req
505. Hold me back, John,
hold me back, hold me back.Copy !req
506. It would seem monstrous
to strip him of his points,Copy !req
507. but I guess if that's
what Dara wants.Copy !req
508. Would you count that as the end of
the walk, Greg,Copy !req
509. I suppose is the question?Copy !req
510. Yeah, that's, that's the big
question, isn't it?Copy !req
511. I think enough of that case is over
the line, that's what I think.Copy !req
512. Yeah... Yeah, Dara.Copy !req
513. Who's left?Copy !req
514. Well, finally it's Fern.Copy !req
515. Ready...Copy !req
516. Ready.Copy !req
517. APPLAUSE, CHEERINGCopy !req
518. Sounds like you're a people's
champion anyway.Copy !req
519. You talk us through
your performance, uh, Fern I, uh...Copy !req
520. From my point of view,
I've written down,Copy !req
521. uh, "lacklustre and
wildly inaccurate".Copy !req
522. I... I tried really hard.Copy !req
523. I feel like I don't know what's
real any more because...Copy !req
524. .. because, because at the time,Copy !req
525. I kind of thought that there
was some airport staffCopy !req
526. and they were looking at me funny.Copy !req
527. But I thought, "Oh, they're just
really jealous of my costume".Copy !req
528. I didn't know it was that bad.Copy !req
529. Unfortunately, Fern, on one side ofCopy !req
530. the path she did it in 29 seconds,Copy !req
531. the other in 45 seconds, so there
was a 16-second difference.Copy !req
532. In comparison, the two Daras had
a four-second difference,Copy !req
533. the two Munyas a three-second
difference,Copy !req
534. the two Johns half
a second difference.Copy !req
535. Sarah negligible difference at all.Copy !req
536. Wow. So Sarah definitely gets
the five points.Copy !req
537. Oh.Copy !req
538. Between Munya
and John for the style points.Copy !req
539. It's most stylish mirroring.Copy !req
540. I think one style point is fair.Copy !req
541. One bonus style point to Munya
and one to John.Copy !req
542. OK.Copy !req
543. I'd like another little task,
please.Copy !req
544. Good, well, here's
a lovely little taskCopy !req
545. where they wear some lovely
little messy hats.Copy !req
546. Hello.
Oh, hi there.Copy !req
547. Chri...Copy !req
548. Hello, Dara.Copy !req
549. Hello, do you like this?Copy !req
550. I think so.Copy !req
551. And, actually, before you open
it, I just need to do something.Copy !req
552. Wait one second.Copy !req
553. What you doing?Copy !req
554. Nothing.
What you doing? Nothing.Copy !req
555. What you doing? Nothing.
Oh, no.Copy !req
556. Here it comes.Copy !req
557. What are you doing?
What are you doing?Copy !req
558. Nothing. That's just rude.Copy !req
559. You're really pushing me today,
Alex, you know this?Copy !req
560. Did you just pour paint in my hat?Copy !req
561. Yes.Copy !req
562. Oh.Copy !req
563. May I ask what you're doing?Copy !req
564. No. Oh, right.Copy !req
565. Thanks, buddy.Copy !req
566. You haven't made me... Wow.Copy !req
567. Yeah.Copy !req
568. "Strike the bullseye
with your paint."Copy !req
569. The bullseye must be round
there, then. OK.Copy !req
570. "You must only step on
the stepping stonesCopy !req
571. "and you must step on all
the stepping stones."Copy !req
572. You're, wait, what? No. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
573. "Also, your hands must be below
your waist at all times."Copy !req
574. "Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
575. Interesting, um, reaction from
Dara after he'd spiltCopy !req
576. a little paint down his front
when he was tryingCopy !req
577. to get his head 'round the task.
Oh, do you wanna hear it? Yeah.Copy !req
578. You're, wait, what? No.Copy !req
579. Good, let's go. Yeah, so you've
gotta hit the target with your
paint.Copy !req
580. You can only step on
the stepping stones.Copy !req
581. You must step on all
the stepping stones.Copy !req
582. Hands below the waist, off we go.
First up it's Mun and Fun.Copy !req
583. Munya and Fern.Copy !req
584. Your time starts now.Copy !req
585. OK, Alex, can you talk
whilst I walk, yeah?Copy !req
586. I think so.Copy !req
587. What the hell? Alex. Yes?Copy !req
588. Shit. OK, I need to go back.
I need to get some more. Ah, sh...Copy !req
589. You've put paint on the flag.Copy !req
590. Oh...Copy !req
591. Oh, no.Copy !req
592. Right, we're back in this.Copy !req
593. Argh!Copy !req
594. Is there paint in my hair?Copy !req
595. Would you like a shower cap? Yeah.
Yeah.Copy !req
596. Right, I'm in.Copy !req
597. This is something I learnt...
being a shot girl at uni.Copy !req
598. I've done it!
Yeah, I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
599. I don't think of the other people
I'm competing against often enoughCopy !req
600. so I'm thinking of them now,
trying to think how I hate them.Copy !req
601. Be careful on this bit.Copy !req
602. Oops. Did you see that?Copy !req
603. No.Copy !req
604. Fuck's sake!Copy !req
605. Ugh.Copy !req
606. No, it's a bit further than that.Copy !req
607. You're nearly there.Copy !req
608. Ugh.Copy !req
609. A bigger contrast between
the two approachesCopy !req
610. you couldn't possibly see.Copy !req
611. No, I was trying very hard
during that one,Copy !req
612. but I'm not all, like,
Munya, leaping about and stuff.Copy !req
613. No, I wrote down, "Munya is
an unnecessary action hero."Copy !req
614. He does action hero moves when he
could just step over something.Copy !req
615. When I was at uni, I used to be in
an American football team. Yeah?Copy !req
616. And our motto was
"speed and violence",Copy !req
617. so basically what that means is
everything you do in life,Copy !req
618. speed and violence.Copy !req
619. What about, like, knitting?Copy !req
620. Speed and violence!Copy !req
621. I have a motto, er...Copy !req
622. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
623. It's in Latin, it's, er,
"waitus, whatus?"Copy !req
624. Hmm, I mean, Munya was breathtaking
to watch.Copy !req
625. There was a tiny little speck
of paint in the bull's-eye.Copy !req
626. He did it in 1 minute 30.
It was unbelievably quick.Copy !req
627. Yeah, but I thought that Fern was
breathtaking to watch as well.Copy !req
628. Yes, yes.Copy !req
629. What did she do it in?Copy !req
630. Uh, five-and-a-half minutes.Copy !req
631. Come on let's crack on.Copy !req
632. All right, well there's two more
people nowCopy !req
633. and I've fudged their names together
to make Sarah MilliKearns.Copy !req
634. Sarah and John.Copy !req
635. So hands below your waist.Copy !req
636. Hands. Can that not do for balance?Copy !req
637. Yeah, that's perfect.
That's a bit unfair.Copy !req
638. Did you wanna check the task? Yeah.Copy !req
639. Well, you can only step on
stepping stones.Copy !req
640. Oh, no.Copy !req
641. Oh, you're kidding me!Copy !req
642. Yeah, right.Copy !req
643. I mean, yeah, I knew it.Copy !req
644. Ooh, bugger.Copy !req
645. I mean, I've gone from there
to there!Copy !req
646. I mean, it's madness,
how far I've gone.Copy !req
647. Hold on.Copy !req
648. Ah, you're reversing.Copy !req
649. Right, you've just got to stretch,
ain't you?Copy !req
650. Ah, well done, John.Copy !req
651. Yeah.Copy !req
652. How high is my camera?Copy !req
653. Oh, I've got paint on my..!Copy !req
654. You're through. Oh.Copy !req
655. Ah...Copy !req
656. Right.Copy !req
657. Bull's-eye.Copy !req
658. Is there one on the bull's-eye?Copy !req
659. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
660. Whoa. Yeah.Copy !req
661. The contrast with John
was sensational.Copy !req
662. It's literally like watching
an alien pretend to be human.Copy !req
663. Significantly worse than Fern.Copy !req
664. Yes, eight minutes
and three seconds.Copy !req
665. Eight minutes?Copy !req
666. Eight minutes and three seconds,
yes. Christ, what was I doing?Copy !req
667. Fern's now looking pretty good,Copy !req
668. especially because we can see
a picture of Sarah's hands,Copy !req
669. er, just slightly above her waist.Copy !req
670. Oh, yes.Copy !req
671. Yeah, yeah, fair enough,
they are a little bit...Copy !req
672. I had very high-waisted
trousers on there.Copy !req
673. And sadly I do have to show you this
photo as well, Greg, this one here.Copy !req
674. Yeah.Copy !req
675. I do have to show you one other
thing as well, which is this.Copy !req
676. Oh, no.Copy !req
677. Step on all the stepping stones.Copy !req
678. Yeah.Copy !req
679. Got to speed this up.Copy !req
680. Shall I go in here?Copy !req
681. All the information's
on the task, Munya.Copy !req
682. You must step on all
the stepping stones.Copy !req
683. You're labouring that a bit.Copy !req
684. You put paint on the flag.Copy !req
685. Yeah, OK.Copy !req
686. I need this.Copy !req
687. Right, OK.Copy !req
688. Right, we're back in this.Copy !req
689. We're back in.Copy !req
690. They're dropping like flies!Copy !req
691. I tried to warn them.
I tried to help.Copy !req
692. Just sounded like you were
being really monotonous.Copy !req
693. And I just sort of tuned you out.Copy !req
694. Sorry, Alex. "All of them, please,
all of them, please."Copy !req
695. It's like a bored bloke
operating a funfair ride.Copy !req
696. It's the end of part threeCopy !req
697. and we're another step closer
to someone being poisonedCopy !req
698. by Dara O Briain's raw turkey.Copy !req
699. Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.Copy !req
700. It's part four of four.Copy !req
701. Yes, and there are four losers over
there who failed in obeyingCopy !req
702. the simple instructions to step on
all the stepping stones.Copy !req
703. Hands below their waists before
striking the target with the paint.Copy !req
704. It's such a shame.Copy !req
705. Thankfully, there is still one ray
of hope,Copy !req
706. but his name isn't Ray O Hope -
it's Dara O Briain.Copy !req
707. Ray O Hope!Copy !req
708. Only stepping stones.Copy !req
709. OK.Copy !req
710. Lovely.Copy !req
711. Wait, what?Copy !req
712. Jesus.Copy !req
713. All right, that should
be enough for now.Copy !req
714. Ah, right.Copy !req
715. Oh, bull's-eye!Copy !req
716. I've stopped the clock.Copy !req
717. That's got to make up for some of
theCopy !req
718. other things in this episode,
hasn't it?Copy !req
719. Wait, what?Copy !req
720. "Wait, what?" aside, exemplary work.Copy !req
721. Thank you. How are you
feeling now, though?Copy !req
722. Ah, there's this
faint chink of light.Copy !req
723. Er... I'm just waiting for the shoe
to drop.Copy !req
724. Waiting for you to go, "But then..."Copy !req
725. Come on, stop waiting for
the shoe to drop.Copy !req
726. No, it was great.
Yeah, it was great.Copy !req
727. Do you wanna see his best bits
cos he was so graceful?Copy !req
728. Oh, yeah, that'd be nice.Copy !req
729. OK. Here's Dara's best bits. Yeah.Copy !req
730. How much paint do I have now?Copy !req
731. Shoe.Copy !req
732. That seems a little harsh.Copy !req
733. I think it's awful, Dara.Copy !req
734. It's an awful way to end,
but that's Taskmaster.Copy !req
735. Mm-hm. He would've been quick.
4 minutes 45. I mean, not...Copy !req
736. Oh, it's quick as well.Copy !req
737. Yeah, not as quick as Munya,
of course, 1 minute 30,Copy !req
738. but nobody completed the task.Copy !req
739. So nobody gets a point.Copy !req
740. Is there any point in looking
at the scores after that?Copy !req
741. Probably not, but let's do it
anyway.Copy !req
742. She's in the lead with
15 points, it's Sarah Millican.Copy !req
743. Hey!Copy !req
744. OK, everyone, before you head
up to the stage, Alex hasCopy !req
745. a very important question for you.Copy !req
746. Yes, I do.Copy !req
747. I'll start with you, Dara.
Inches or feet?Copy !req
748. Inches.Copy !req
749. Fern, inches or feet?Copy !req
750. Feet.Copy !req
751. John. Feet.Copy !req
752. Munya. Feet.Copy !req
753. And then, finally, Sarah Millican.Copy !req
754. Inches. Thank you.Copy !req
755. Curiouser and curiouser.Copy !req
756. Good. Please make your way to the
stageCopy !req
757. for the final task of the show!Copy !req
758. They got what they wanted.Copy !req
759. I don't know what's more
heartbreaking, short or long.Copy !req
760. Who's going to read the task, Alex?Copy !req
761. John is going to read the task.Copy !req
762. All right, John.Copy !req
763. "Paint a picture of a unicorn
using your head brush.Copy !req
764. "You may not handle your
head brush at any point.Copy !req
765. "You have two minutes."Copy !req
766. That's it - paint a
picture of a unicorn.Copy !req
767. Would you like them to paint
a specific unicorn?Copy !req
768. I'd like him to be prancing.Copy !req
769. You have two minutes starting...Copy !req
770. Five, four, three, two,
one!Copy !req
771. OK, please step back on
your circles.Copy !req
772. Show me them prancers.Copy !req
773. We're going to start
with Dara O Briain.Copy !req
774. The short brush has got to be
an advantage, surely?Copy !req
775. Is it, though? Is it?Copy !req
776. Oh...Copy !req
777. Oh!Copy !req
778. That is one jaunty prancer.Copy !req
779. Hello, Fern. Hello.Copy !req
780. Here we go!Copy !req
781. Which end's which?Copy !req
782. Well! Well, it's got a horn coming
out with some greenCopy !req
783. and different colours and...
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
784. What I see is two fences,
a big orange and a pepper.Copy !req
785. Hello, John. Hi, hi.Copy !req
786. Going to regret this?Copy !req
787. Yeah, cool.Copy !req
788. You know where the horn is, though,
at least.Copy !req
789. I know where the big red line is.Copy !req
790. It's next to the four green lines.Copy !req
791. Not bad, not bad.Copy !req
792. "Not bad"?
It looks like a long-legged lobster.Copy !req
793. But at least it looks
like a creature.Copy !req
794. And, finally, hello, Sarah. Hi.Copy !req
795. Oh.Copy !req
796. Oh.Copy !req
797. Lovely.Copy !req
798. I tried to show movement,
but that just ended up as flowers.Copy !req
799. It looks like Troy's horse.Copy !req
800. It's a powerful beast. Thanks.Copy !req
801. Oh! So you lot chose inches.Copy !req
802. Greg, you need to
judge these right now.Copy !req
803. OK, well, I'm giving John KearnsCopy !req
804. one point because he's done
a series of lines.Copy !req
805. One point to John.Copy !req
806. I'm giving two points to a
woman who's drawn two fences,Copy !req
807. a pepper and an orange. Fern Brady.Copy !req
808. I'm giving three points to
the long-legged lobster.Copy !req
809. Congratulations, Munya.Copy !req
810. I'm giving four points to the
majestic horse of Troy, being as itCopy !req
811. is standing in twilight, waiting,Copy !req
812. but there's only one unicorn
prancing in that row.Copy !req
813. Bam - Dara O Briain takes
the five points. Well done, Dara.Copy !req
814. Come down, let's see how that's
affected the final scores.Copy !req
815. Well, well, well. Exactly.Copy !req
816. Yeah. Yeah, I think we've
learnt a lot there.Copy !req
817. Oh, God, we have.Copy !req
818. Much easier to have a
six-inch paintbrushCopy !req
819. than a six foot paintbrush.Copy !req
820. Strapped to your head. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
821. And I guess that's why that's
what size they normally are.Copy !req
822. Well, it has been a...Copy !req
823. ..a one-unicorn race.Copy !req
824. With 19 points, the winner is
Sarah Millican!Copy !req
825. Sarah wins!
Please pop up to pocket your post.Copy !req
826. Bye, everyone.Copy !req
827. Before we go, please cheer one more
time for today's winner,Copy !req
828. Sarah Millican!Copy !req