1. This programme contains
strong language and adult humourCopy !req
2. Shut up!Copy !req
3. Oh, be care... Oh.Copy !req
4. Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.Copy !req
5. I'm Greg Davies,
and I'm just your average guy.Copy !req
6. I like fast cars, good wine,Copy !req
7. and the feel of a strong mountain
wind howling through my legsCopy !req
8. as I look across my kingdom,
hands on hips,Copy !req
9. naked as the day I was born.Copy !req
10. Naked as my creator intended.Copy !req
11. Fully naked.Copy !req
12. It's within this kingdom
that five disparate soulsCopy !req
13. have been doing battle.Copy !req
14. Their task completing ability
so far has ranged from "Good"Copy !req
15. to "Are you all right? Seriously?Copy !req
16. "Do you need to call someone?"Copy !req
17. Let's open a new chapter,
but before we do...Copy !req
18. Still thinking about me naked on
the mountain, aren't you?Copy !req
19. Me too. Hot sauce.Copy !req
20. Please welcome Dara O Briain...Copy !req
21. .. Fern Brady...Copy !req
22. .. John Kearns...Copy !req
23. .. Munya Chawawa...Copy !req
24. .. and Sarah Millican.Copy !req
25. And next to me, a man who confided
in me recently that he thinksCopy !req
26. all primary school teachers
are the scum of the Earth.Copy !req
27. It's Little Alex Horne.Copy !req
28. Not all. Not all.Copy !req
29. Hello, everyone.Copy !req
30. Hi, Greg.
Hi, mate.Copy !req
31. Oh, I'm feeling so wistful.Copy !req
32. What's happening? I was just sort
of thinking back.Copy !req
33. I was trying to remember
my first memory.Copy !req
34. I was trying to think,
"What's my first memory?"Copy !req
35. And I think... It's weird.Copy !req
36. I think it's the first time
I tasted ham.Copy !req
37. I was in a restaurant,
or somewhere like that,Copy !req
38. with my wife, and, er...Copy !req
39. 2008. It was wafer thin ham.
Have you had wafer thin ham?Copy !req
40. Yep.
I think that's my first memory.Copy !req
41. So I thought I'd say that.Copy !req
42. OK. And the punch line?Copy !req
43. Do you want some euros?
You can have some euros?Copy !req
44. There's 50 euros.Copy !req
45. Right, let's get on with
the prize task, shall we?Copy !req
46. Today you've asked them all
to bring inCopy !req
47. the most useless thing that you've
bought that cost over £20.Copy !req
48. Hmm! Oh! And, yes, the item
Greg Davies thinks isCopy !req
49. the most useless will get its owner
five satisfying points.Copy !req
50. Then at the end of the show, the
overall winner will take homeCopy !req
51. over £100 worth of prizes.
Whoa, mama!Copy !req
52. Good. Good. Right, Fern?Copy !req
53. I have brought a harness
and leash for my cat.Copy !req
54. Here is Fern's cat harness.Copy !req
55. Aw!Copy !req
56. A genuine thing.Copy !req
57. We all went "Aw," but I think we
were doing that at the pretend cat,Copy !req
58. not at the fairly S&M-looking
cat leash.Copy !req
59. My gym membership
hadn't really worked out,Copy !req
60. so I had this notion thatCopy !req
61. the cat was going to do all these
outdoors things with me.Copy !req
62. I think we've got video footage.Copy !req
63. Yes, yes. Oh, my God. This is the
cat wearing the harness.Copy !req
64. Time for your walk. Come on.Copy !req
65. I cannot believe I thought this was
a good idea.Copy !req
66. Oh, my God!Copy !req
67. It's pretty useless.Copy !req
68. That was £70, by the way.Copy !req
69. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
70. Dara?Copy !req
71. I, it turns out,
purchased a worm trumpet.Copy !req
72. Yeah, this is Dara's worm trumpet.Copy !req
73. There you go.Copy !req
74. You're supposed to lie in the ground
and put your ear to it,Copy !req
75. and you can hear the worms move
in the ground below.Copy !req
76. Wow.Copy !req
77. And actually, if you do listen
to it, you don't hear a lot.Copy !req
78. And even if you do, it's worms.Copy !req
79. It's not like it's opening
a magical door into a...Copy !req
80. They're not tap-dancing down there,
are they? No.Copy !req
81. So far, so strong, I've got to say.
So far, so far.Copy !req
82. Yeah, but great news.
John next.Copy !req
83. John's here.Copy !req
84. Erm, so it's a...Copy !req
85. ..a streaker for Subbuteo.Copy !req
86. Yes, it is, and here it is.Copy !req
87. You bought it?Copy !req
88. Yeah, I bought that, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
89. I love that.Copy !req
90. Wow.Copy !req
91. It's useless,
cos I don't own any Subbuteo.Copy !req
92. This is one of John's strongest
things he's done on the show so far.Copy !req
93. Munya, what have you brought in?Copy !req
94. I have brought in
a golden snitch fidget spinner.Copy !req
95. Wow. So I have to say this is not
actually linked to Harry Potter.Copy !req
96. It cost me 15 quid.Copy !req
97. I brought it in because it's got
more emotional significanceCopy !req
98. than it does use, cos I had a very
strict Zimbabwean Christian dad.Copy !req
99. Growing up, I wasn't allowed
to watch Harry Potter,Copy !req
100. so this isn't just an object,
it's an act of rebellion.Copy !req
101. Wow. Great story.
Yeah.Copy !req
102. Shame it only cost 15 quid,
and subsequently fails.Copy !req
103. Were you secretly into
Harry Potter, then?Copy !req
104. Yeah, massively, like all the other
guys at school were watching porn,Copy !req
105. and I was watching
The Chamber Of Secrets.Copy !req
106. Did you have to sneak off
and watch it somewhere?Copy !req
107. Yeah, I had to watch it under the
covers. I had to make a little tent.Copy !req
108. He had to make a Harry Potter tent.Copy !req
109. Shall we pretend it cost £21?Copy !req
110. Yeah, give it to him.
OK.Copy !req
111. In fact, I'll ask him.
OK.Copy !req
112. Hey, Munya, how much was it?Copy !req
113. £21.Copy !req
114. Sarah?Copy !req
115. I decided to try and
make vegetables more funCopy !req
116. to stop me eating
so many sweets,Copy !req
117. so I bought a mandoline.Copy !req
118. The reason it's useless
is because I used it onceCopy !req
119. and I genuinely threw away
something called a finger protector.Copy !req
120. And I shouted to my husband,
"Look, look, look, it's going well,"Copy !req
121. and I had a courgette,
and it was going well,Copy !req
122. and then it went down too quickly
and took the top of me finger off.Copy !req
123. Let's have a look at
the murderous object.Copy !req
124. OK, here is the mandoline.Copy !req
125. There we go.Copy !req
126. So I took it in
in a bag of ice into A&E,Copy !req
127. and it was perched on
a slice of courgette,Copy !req
128. and the nurse held it up,
and he went,Copy !req
129. "What were you having
for your tea?"Copy !req
130. I think it's quite useful
if you use it properlyCopy !req
131. and you don't take your digit off.Copy !req
132. Well, I was trying to lose weight,Copy !req
133. and I did manage to lose
a little bit, so...Copy !req
134. The woman took the end of
her finger off,Copy !req
135. so let's give her more than one.Copy !req
136. Right.
So we'll start with two points.Copy !req
137. So, Sarah, you get two points.Copy !req
138. Joint three points
to Fern and Munya.Copy !req
139. OK, they're joint third. Good.
Yes.Copy !req
140. Incredibly, I'm going to put
the worm trumpet in second place.Copy !req
141. Four to Dara, and for five,Copy !req
142. it is just mystifying why the man
would buy the streaker.Copy !req
143. Five to John Kearns. There we go,
five points to John Kearns.Copy !req
144. Do you have a task ready, Alex?
Yes, I do,Copy !req
145. and in some ways, this was
a rubbish shoot for everybody.Copy !req
146. Oooh!Copy !req
147. Hi, Fern.
Hiya.Copy !req
148. Hello, Munya. Alex,
let me tell you this right now -Copy !req
149. got a good feeling about this.Copy !req
150. "Get the most pleasure..."Copy !req
151. .."pleasure."Copy !req
152. ".. pleasure from all
of these rubber chutes."Copy !req
153. "You have 30 minutes."Copy !req
154. "Your time starts now."Copy !req
155. So, first thoughts -
just a massive slide.Copy !req
156. Slide.Copy !req
157. I wish they were bigger,
cos I'd just make a slide.Copy !req
158. Well, I would just go inside.Copy !req
159. And then what would you do?Copy !req
160. Er, have a sleep.Copy !req
161. Are they percussive?Copy !req
162. I'm going to need five little
chocolates. Five little choccies.Copy !req
163. Oh!Copy !req
164. Are you having pleasure?Copy !req
165. Oh, I can see a little green fly.Copy !req
166. Yep, right, OK.Copy !req
167. Fern, is fair to say that
a lot of our tasksCopy !req
168. are getting in the way of
you having a nice sleep?Copy !req
169. Ah, now,
it's for a very good reason.Copy !req
170. I was so excited about coming in
to do the task daysCopy !req
171. that I didn't sleep,
which then meant I was tiredCopy !req
172. and couldn't do my tasks very well.Copy !req
173. Every day when you came in,Copy !req
174. I would say,
"I've been too excited again."Copy !req
175. Yeah!Copy !req
176. Well, I've written down what my
perception of what we're aboutCopy !req
177. to see is. I think we're getting
three slides, one with choccies,Copy !req
178. and a big Irishman
playing a giant glockenspiel.Copy !req
179. OK, we're going to start
with two very physical men,Copy !req
180. Munya and Dara.Copy !req
181. What are you doing with that, Munya?Copy !req
182. I am giving myself maximum pleasure.Copy !req
183. There we go.
Suits him.Copy !req
184. Yeah, got to give it to the man
sometimes. Give him one of these.Copy !req
185. Go on.Copy !req
186. I don't want to.Copy !req
187. You know those machines in baseball
that whack the thing at you?Copy !req
188. You're kind of like
a human version of that,Copy !req
189. and there's hurling, which is
the Irish national sport. OK.Copy !req
190. Yeah, so we set up a target,Copy !req
191. but that's not important.
Let's not dwell on that.Copy !req
192. Let's put this on.Copy !req
193. OK, good.Copy !req
194. Does that feel secure?Copy !req
195. Er, no, not at all.Copy !req
196. Allow me to introduce you
to Knocowt.Copy !req
197. The goal is to hit the cow.Copy !req
198. Here it comes, OK?Copy !req
199. Nope!Copy !req
200. Right, ready? Three...Copy !req
201. Did it work?
No, cos you started twerking.Copy !req
202. Oh!Copy !req
203. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
204. Right, three, two, one.Copy !req
205. Oh, no.Copy !req
206. Ready?
Yep.Copy !req
207. Let's go closer.Copy !req
208. Are we still having fun?
Yes, yes. Good, good.Copy !req
209. You ready?
Yes.Copy !req
210. OK, that worked!Copy !req
211. Ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
212. Yes, we hit one!Copy !req
213. Yes!Copy !req
214. That was fun!Copy !req
215. Three, two...Copy !req
216. Yes!Copy !req
217. Oh-ho-ho!Copy !req
218. We did it!Copy !req
219. I'm going to go and get some water.
Do you want anything?Copy !req
220. Yeah, a little bit of milk.
Little bit of milk? All right.Copy !req
221. Thank you.
Well, she can sort you with that.Copy !req
222. When I was a young man, my dad
took me to a tennis court onceCopy !req
223. for a tennis lesson, and what he
actually did was fire aces past me.Copy !req
224. Watching you dredged up
those memories for me,Copy !req
225. cos you looked like you were
just lost in your own world.Copy !req
226. I was... Am I your dad in this
or am I you swinging wildly?Copy !req
227. You're my dad. OK.
You're my dad, Dara. OK.Copy !req
228. Well, this is an interesting
dynamic. Er...Copy !req
229. Munya, what's this giving it to
the man action?Copy !req
230. It's a sign of respect.Copy !req
231. I can do it now if you want.
I want you to give it to the man.Copy !req
232. All right,
shall I give it to the man?Copy !req
233. Yeah.
All right, then.Copy !req
234. OK, I'll just give you
one little one.Copy !req
235. Don't zoom in
just cos it's quite cold.Copy !req
236. Oh!Copy !req
237. Quite gentle.Copy !req
238. Er, who's next?Copy !req
239. Er, well, I can imagine John's
friends and family would likeCopy !req
240. to see what John did,
so here's what John did.Copy !req
241. Have pleasure. Oh, I'm going to have
a lot of pleasure.Copy !req
242. Here we go.Copy !req
243. Oh!Copy !req
244. Is it pleasurable?Copy !req
245. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
246. Where's the choccies, huh?Copy !req
247. You'll find them.Copy !req
248. Oooh.Copy !req
249. Alex?Copy !req
250. Yes, John?
Can I have some pleasure time now?Copy !req
251. All right, do you want me to
lower the flap? Yes, please.Copy !req
252. Have pleasure.Copy !req
253. OK. That was fantastic.Copy !req
254. Could you, er, lift my flap?Copy !req
255. Yes, I'd love too. Here we go.Copy !req
256. Right.Copy !req
257. Fuck me, imagine I get this.Copy !req
258. Genuine pleasure.Copy !req
259. Oh!Copy !req
260. Shit!Copy !req
261. But it's fun, this is the thing,
it's very pleasurable. OK.Copy !req
262. Oh, right, throw the ball...
head it straight in.Copy !req
263. Got to leap like a salmon.
I will, yeah.Copy !req
264. I'm trying my best.Copy !req
265. Oh, fuck it.Copy !req
266. Ugh! Didn't even hit the bell.Copy !req
267. John, what's your definition
of pleasure?Copy !req
268. Doing something well.Copy !req
269. I put it to youCopy !req
270. you were demonstrably in pain
throughout most of it.Copy !req
271. Yeah, I did...
I didn't enjoy going down the slide.Copy !req
272. But there were five
little choccies.Copy !req
273. And then, on national television,Copy !req
274. you reveal that
you're not very good at football.Copy !req
275. There was no Munya style, "Yeah!"Copy !req
276. There was none of that, John.Copy !req
277. No, I'm not like Munya.Copy !req
278. You're kind of giving it...Copy !req
279. You need to give it to the man, bro,
I've been telling you.Copy !req
280. No, I don't give it.
Gon on, give it to the man.Copy !req
281. I enjoyed giving it to the man.
You can give it to the man.Copy !req
282. Give it to the man.
Just give it to the man.Copy !req
283. You'll feel so much better, John.
Get up and give it to the man.Copy !req
284. OK, three two one,
give it to the man.Copy !req
285. And there we go.Copy !req
286. Join us back here very soon.Copy !req
287. VERY soon.
I'm starting the clock now.Copy !req
288. Go!Copy !req
289. Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.Copy !req
290. There's a little guy
sitting next to meCopy !req
291. who just can't wait to talk to you.Copy !req
292. Ooh!Copy !req
293. Before the break, Munya and Dara
tried to get the most pleasureCopy !req
294. out of some rubbish chutes by using
them for sport like proper men.Copy !req
295. We also saw John's attempt.Copy !req
296. Finally...Copy !req
297. Finally, it's Fern and Sarah
and their ideas of pleasure.Copy !req
298. I have an idea!Copy !req
299. It feels like I'm doing bad things
to my dad or something.Copy !req
300. I would like you to first put on
a blindfold,Copy !req
301. and then I'm passing you a shower
cap... Why?Copy !req
302. ..to protect your lovely hair.
Oh.Copy !req
303. Do you like bananas?
Yes.Copy !req
304. Catch them in your mouth.
Right.Copy !req
305. So I just want you to be ready
for anything. Is that all right?Copy !req
306. Yes.Copy !req
307. Oh!Copy !req
308. Oh! Ooh!Copy !req
309. Where is it going to come from?Copy !req
310. Yes!Copy !req
311. I haven't finished the first bit.Copy !req
312. Well, I didn't want to give you
a chance to finish itCopy !req
313. cos that's not the task.
The task is my pleasure.Copy !req
314. Yeah. Are you finding it
pleasurable?Copy !req
315. Yeah, it's really good fun!
Is it?Copy !req
316. Is that one finished?Copy !req
317. That one's finished.Copy !req
318. Now what?Copy !req
319. Oh!Copy !req
320. Ugh!Copy !req
321. Make your thin lips stick out more.Copy !req
322. Please.Copy !req
323. Did you say "please"?Copy !req
324. I won't have any passive aggressive
stuff from you, please.Copy !req
325. I'm trying to wipe my hands,Copy !req
326. but everywhere I wipe it,
they're getting dirtier.Copy !req
327. Oh, yep. Yep.Copy !req
328. That's not sore.
Raise your eyebrow.Copy !req
329. Did you say that's NOT sore?Copy !req
330. I can smell something.Copy !req
331. Egg?Copy !req
332. Drink this. Drink this.Copy !req
333. It's warm.Copy !req
334. I quite like it. Is it soup?Copy !req
335. You look scary now.Copy !req
336. Right. Have you finished?Copy !req
337. Erm, yeah.Copy !req
338. Er...Copy !req
339. I've got bananas all over my feet.Copy !req
340. Right.Copy !req
341. Did you enjoy yourself?Copy !req
342. No, I didn't enjoy myself.Copy !req
343. I did, though.Copy !req
344. Yeah.Copy !req
345. Bye!Copy !req
346. Bye-bye.Copy !req
347. Well, I mean straight off the bat,Copy !req
348. two things gave me
a great deal of pleasure -Copy !req
349. Alex Horne in your dress,Copy !req
350. and the sentence,
"Catch them in your mouth."Copy !req
351. It was so much fun,Copy !req
352. because I was brought up
to be, like, tidy and politeCopy !req
353. and all of the rubbish things,Copy !req
354. and it was so great to just let
loose, and I had a tremendous time.Copy !req
355. I could see. You know, how many of
us haven't been told by our parents,Copy !req
356. "Don't you throw cream at someone
through a big pipe"?Copy !req
357. Fern, yours was a bit more Medieval,
I thought?Copy !req
358. What was a curve-ball for me, and
when it started becoming like MiseryCopy !req
359. the film, was when out of nowhere
you decided to fill his mouthCopy !req
360. full of ketchup.
Yeah.Copy !req
361. The thing is,
he's extremely passive aggressive,Copy !req
362. so he does a lot of things like
goes "Hmm" under his breath.Copy !req
363. Yeah. A very English brand
of passive aggressiveCopy !req
364. that just makes me
want to be violent to him.Copy !req
365. Yeah.Copy !req
366. It's so hard to score that,Copy !req
367. because everybody looked like
they were having fun.Copy !req
368. Well, I have isolated their pleasure
on their faces.Copy !req
369. You can see four of them here.Copy !req
370. A lot of genuine pleasure.Copy !req
371. John looked like this.Copy !req
372. So it's neck and neck.Copy !req
373. I think what I need to reward
is multiple forms of pleasure,Copy !req
374. so that means Dara,
even though he was pumped upCopy !req
375. like the most competitive dad...
Competitive dad.Copy !req
376. What was that? The competitive dad?Copy !req
377. Even though Dara was
such a competitive dad...Copy !req
378. Competitive dad?
Competitive dad.Copy !req
379. .. he was only enjoying one form
of pleasure,Copy !req
380. albeit aggressive and full-throated.
I'm going to give him two points.Copy !req
381. Two to Dara, fine.
What?Copy !req
382. I'm going to give John three points,Copy !req
383. because honestly, I think that
John just expresses pleasureCopy !req
384. in a different way, that's all.Copy !req
385. I felt that Munya and Sarah
were having equal amounts of fun.Copy !req
386. I'm going to give them
four points each.Copy !req
387. But Fern's was just so weird,Copy !req
388. and the reason she's got five points
is she didn't even say goodbyeCopy !req
389. at the end. She just wandered off.
OK. So five points to Fern.Copy !req
390. There it is. There we go.
Five points to Fern Brady.Copy !req
391. Scoreboard, please.Copy !req
392. Well, we have two people
in joint last,Copy !req
393. but two people in joint first
as well, and that's Fern and John.Copy !req
394. Next, please.Copy !req
395. OK, well, it's time for another
routine team task.Copy !req
396. Hello, Alex.
Yeah!Copy !req
397. This is a nice ambience.Copy !req
398. Oh, amazing.Copy !req
399. Boom.Copy !req
400. You may now open the task.Copy !req
401. Woo!
Let's do it.Copy !req
402. "The best routine to..."
Oh, fuck.Copy !req
403. ".. perform the best routine
to this musical backing."Copy !req
404. "You've got 30 minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
405. We just did it.
That's what I've got, that's it.Copy !req
406. Let's listen to it again.
OK.Copy !req
407. I know seven types of martial arts.Copy !req
408. Do you? Do you?
Yep. Try and hit me.Copy !req
409. No.
No, no. Just try, just try.Copy !req
410. You told me, so you're ready.Copy !req
411. I'll hit you later on
when you're making a cup of tea.Copy !req
412. All right.
I'm not an idiot.Copy !req
413. How do you draw a dance number?Copy !req
414. Oh, that's a classic problem
for choreographers for generations.Copy !req
415. So we're going to do
a workout routine. Yeah.Copy !req
416. Apologies for any accidental farts.Copy !req
417. There is this idea, of course.Copy !req
418. I just said to John,
"Who did that shit drawing?"Copy !req
419. And he was like, "That was you."Copy !req
420. You probably had a sleep
shortly after.Copy !req
421. Lots to look forward to in yours,
I think.Copy !req
422. Mm.
I think we've got a pictureCopy !req
423. of Munya's face when you threatened
to accidentally fart.Copy !req
424. Here it is.Copy !req
425. But it's better to apologise first
for anything that might happen.Copy !req
426. Shall we crack on?
We'll crack on.Copy !req
427. With a combined age of 119 at
the time of recording,Copy !req
428. it's Dara and Fern and John.Copy !req
429. Right, that was weird.Copy !req
430. It's the, er, title sequence to
an American sitcom from the '80s.Copy !req
431. That's what we thought
the music sounded like.Copy !req
432. And your character, Biff
Chippington. Biff Chippington, yes.Copy !req
433. He was the actor, was he? He's the
actor who plays the character.Copy !req
434. Oh, sorry.
Chip Biffington is the character.Copy !req
435. And he's also actually
quite a senior doctor.Copy !req
436. Dr Coco Pops?Copy !req
437. Or a recurring patient.
It's difficult to know.Copy !req
438. Yeah, I'm in every week
with a different problem.Copy !req
439. Yeah. So like there, my skull
had to be removed from my stomach.Copy !req
440. Sorry, had Dr Pops died
on this occasion?Copy !req
441. I die every week.Copy !req
442. Time for a break now,Copy !req
443. or, as my uncle who couldn't
pronounce vowels used to say,Copy !req
444. "Tm fr brk nw."Copy !req
445. See you in a bit.Copy !req
446. Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster,Copy !req
447. where we're midway through
a team task.Copy !req
448. Mm, he's just dreamy.Copy !req
449. And right, too. There's a catchy
tune which the teams are tryingCopy !req
450. to perform the best routine too.Copy !req
451. We've had hospital melodrama.Copy !req
452. Now it's time to see
some Sarah Munya drama.Copy !req
453. It's a classic training montage.Copy !req
454. Mm-hm.
You were swiping things away.Copy !req
455. There was the one finger press-ups.
Press-ups, yeah.Copy !req
456. There was the aimlessly punching
at a loaf.Copy !req
457. We couldn't get hold of a big amount
of meat, you know, like a carcass.Copy !req
458. Oh, you were going for
that Rocky vibe?Copy !req
459. Yeah. So we thought we'd do
a more sort of... You know.Copy !req
460. With a baguette?
Yeah, little...Copy !req
461. You do do martial arts, right?
Seven different kinds.Copy !req
462. I'd say there were three tops.Copy !req
463. There are only three,
but he does seven. Oh!Copy !req
464. Right, how are you going to score
them, then?Copy !req
465. I'm going to be
really generous today.Copy !req
466. I'm going to give them four points
because I enjoyed it very much,Copy !req
467. and I'm going to give these
lunatics five pointsCopy !req
468. because I enjoyed it even better.Copy !req
469. Where are we for the next one, Alex?Copy !req
470. We are in baggage reclaim, Greg.Copy !req
471. Alex! What you doing down there,
you spicy turnip?Copy !req
472. Hello.
Hello, Sarah.Copy !req
473. Well, it's genuinely eerie, this.Copy !req
474. Really messed up opening that.Copy !req
475. Oops!Copy !req
476. "Place one luggage trolley a certain
distance away from the line.Copy !req
477. "Then starting behind the line,Copy !req
478. "strike that luggage trolley
with another luggage trolley."Copy !req
479. I can do that, easy. Piss easy.Copy !req
480. "If you strike the first
luggage trolleyCopy !req
481. "with another luggage trolley...Copy !req
482. "..you may move the first
luggage trolley further away."Copy !req
483. You may not move any
unsuccessful luggage trollies.Copy !req
484. "Furthest luggage trolley
struck wins.Copy !req
485. "You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."Copy !req
486. Oh, they really do their own thing
on the wheels, don't they?Copy !req
487. Oh, my God. Maybe years of shopping
in Asda will help.Copy !req
488. To me, this is a childhood dream,
to be in an abandoned airport.Copy !req
489. I still got searched.Copy !req
490. Right, it's a classic game
of luggage trolley bowls.Copy !req
491. Mm-hm. We're going to start
with Sarah and Fern.Copy !req
492. Oh, this is quite hard!Copy !req
493. But fun?Copy !req
494. One metre.Copy !req
495. Yeah, I think that hit.Copy !req
496. So I can move it back here?
Wherever you want.Copy !req
497. No!Copy !req
498. OK, the further they are, the more
chance there is that they veer off.Copy !req
499. Yes.Copy !req
500. Oh, no!Copy !req
501. That was close.Copy !req
502. Wondering whether to jam it in.Copy !req
503. I don't know what I'm doing, Alex,
but I'm going to give it a go.Copy !req
504. Yes!
OK.Copy !req
505. It's touching it.Copy !req
506. Yes!Copy !req
507. Double trolley.Copy !req
508. Oh, there's two!Copy !req
509. You said, "Have some fun, Sarah.Copy !req
510. "You're not letting any more fun in
your life." That's what you said.Copy !req
511. It was hurtful at the time,Copy !req
512. but I've taken it on board,
and I'm having a lovely time.Copy !req
513. I actually thought I was going to
do something magical there,Copy !req
514. and yous would all be like, "Argh!"Copy !req
515. Come on.Copy !req
516. Yes!Copy !req
517. One minute left.Copy !req
518. Oh, Alex, I just realised I'm, like,
wasting energyCopy !req
519. going up to the line when I could
just be pushing from here, right?Copy !req
520. So you're learning.Copy !req
521. Fuck off.
Right.Copy !req
522. This is your final trolley.Copy !req
523. No!Copy !req
524. It's like a trolley graveyard
over there. It's horrible.Copy !req
525. Maybe?Copy !req
526. Yay!Copy !req
527. Bye.
Goodbye.Copy !req
528. Sarah, did you surprise yourself
with your temperament?Copy !req
529. I had a nice time,Copy !req
530. and I hate when anything reminds me
that exercise is all right.Copy !req
531. It really annoys me, cos I think,
"Oh, it's just shit,"Copy !req
532. and then I do some and I'll be like
"Oh, I feel a bit better,"Copy !req
533. then I think, "Fuck!"Copy !req
534. If I was giving bonus points out
any more, which I don't do,Copy !req
535. you'd be getting one for telling
Alex to fuck off so poetically.Copy !req
536. Yes. Cos he did his
passive aggressive thing again.Copy !req
537. What did he do?Copy !req
538. He went, "You see?
You're learning, aren't you?"Copy !req
539. Yeah.
Patronising.Copy !req
540. I think that one,
I was trying to be just nice.Copy !req
541. Trying to be, but you've come across
as though you hate women.Copy !req
542. Again. Let's crack on.Copy !req
543. OK. Next up, it's J K Rowling.Copy !req
544. That's John Kearns
rolling some trolleys.Copy !req
545. Again, I'm so sorry. Here we go.Copy !req
546. Er...Copy !req
547. They're having fun.
Yeah.Copy !req
548. I'll take a run up.Copy !req
549. You're good at this, John.Copy !req
550. Yeah?Copy !req
551. Oh, wow.Copy !req
552. That is impossible, isn't it?Copy !req
553. You've had no unsuccessful trolleys,
John.Copy !req
554. Good distance.Copy !req
555. I don't know.
This feels far away, this thing.Copy !req
556. Go on!Copy !req
557. Go on, you... bastard.Copy !req
558. Yes!Copy !req
559. That hit it, John.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, saw that.Copy !req
560. Thank you, John.Copy !req
561. I thought you looked like
a professional athlete.Copy !req
562. You looked like you were born to
bowl luggage trolleysCopy !req
563. is what I felt, and I'm not even
being mean and sarcastic like him.Copy !req
564. I'm worried about something.Copy !req
565. OK, John.Copy !req
566. He didn't show my foot
and the line.Copy !req
567. You think there's a chance
you might have gone over the lineCopy !req
568. and then we're going to
cruelly reveal it afterwards?Copy !req
569. You've been known to do it.Copy !req
570. It was an amazing attempt by John.
It was a pleasure to be there. Yep.Copy !req
571. I do have to show you...Copy !req
572. .. just my favourite snap
of the whole thing. Yeah.Copy !req
573. Have a look at this.
Let's have a look at that.Copy !req
574. Behind the line. He's fine!Copy !req
575. Well behind the line.Copy !req
576. It's the end of part three, and if
you think it's been rubbish so far,Copy !req
577. don't worry, someone's going to win
a fidget snipper after the break.Copy !req
578. Welcome back.Copy !req
579. You join us for the final part
of Taskmaster.Copy !req
580. We hadn't finished the trolley
pushing task, had we,Copy !req
581. Little Alex Horne?
Good Lord, no!Copy !req
582. John's in the lead so far,
but there are two people left to go,Copy !req
583. one smart, one fit.Copy !req
584. So finally it's O'brains
versus O'brawn.Copy !req
585. Let's start off ambitious.Copy !req
586. Alex, what's the thing we've been
saying this whole series?Copy !req
587. Happy birthday.Copy !req
588. Go big or go home.Copy !req
589. Right.
And that is what I plan to do.Copy !req
590. Let's get one in the bank,Copy !req
591. as we often say in
the luggage trolley-pushing game.Copy !req
592. Yeah, you got one in the bank.Copy !req
593. Go on!Copy !req
594. Successful strike.Copy !req
595. Ooh, you don't want to
be using that one.Copy !req
596. OK, that's the one.Copy !req
597. I need a slow clap.Copy !req
598. Mm-hm!Copy !req
599. OK, start to speed up.Copy !req
600. You see, if you had clapped
with a bit more passion,Copy !req
601. that wouldn't have happened.Copy !req
602. Right, it's gone one metre further.Copy !req
603. Oh, you think I was being
a bit cautious there, then, do you?Copy !req
604. Well, a little bit.Copy !req
605. One...Copy !req
606. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
607. Still, though,
you can see that force.Copy !req
608. Dara O Briain ain't pushing trolleys
that far.Copy !req
609. Oh, no, no. Don't.Copy !req
610. Oh, do, oh, do, oh, do, oh, do.Copy !req
611. Ooh, it hit!Copy !req
612. The gentlest of touches.Copy !req
613. Oh, that is a beauty.Copy !req
614. Come on, little bit of bend.Copy !req
615. That's it, there we go!Copy !req
616. Argh! Come on.Copy !req
617. Push, push, push, push, push.Copy !req
618. Wait a minute.Copy !req
619. OK, right, well, look...Copy !req
620. Ten seconds.Copy !req
621. Go on.Copy !req
622. Yes!Copy !req
623. Munya, you are the most confident
person we've had on this show,Copy !req
624. because whatever the task is,
Munya always goes,Copy !req
625. "I'm going to be amazing at this."Copy !req
626. And I believe him every time.Copy !req
627. But, in fact, you were quite
a show pony during that, I thought.Copy !req
628. We had a bit of hammer,
we had some discus,Copy !req
629. we had some long jump,
we had some double team.Copy !req
630. You, know I just wanted to give you
the whole damn Olympics.Copy !req
631. We had some double team, yeah?Copy !req
632. On the other side,Copy !req
633. we saw a man who's very serious
about trolley bowling.Copy !req
634. You don't get to the level I'm at
at trolley bowlingCopy !req
635. without taking it seriously,
you know what I mean?Copy !req
636. I mean, on your last throw,
you put a bit of curve on it.Copy !req
637. I mean, I had to.
It was a very fine line.Copy !req
638. And because every luggage hall
is different.Copy !req
639. You travel the world with these
things, you know...Copy !req
640. On the Continent,
they're built for speed.Copy !req
641. What did you say, Munya,
at the beginning?Copy !req
642. "What's my catchphrase for
the series? Go big or go home."Copy !req
643. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
644. But when Munya asked, "What's my
catchphrase for the series?"Copy !req
645. you said, "Happy birthday" straight
away. I said, "Happy birthday."Copy !req
646. Straight away, no hesitation.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
647. It's unusual, isn't it?Copy !req
648. Would you like some distances?Copy !req
649. Please. Some distances and then some
sweet, sweet points.Copy !req
650. Yes, well, I think we all saw
Fern unfortunately in last place.Copy !req
651. 18.3 metres.Copy !req
652. Two points go to Sarah
for 25.4 metres.Copy !req
653. And then we move into
the Noel Edmonds zone.Copy !req
654. The Noel Edmonds zone?Copy !req
655. Well, I've measured the rest
in Noel Edmondses.Copy !req
656. So Dara, 16 Noel Edmonds
and one crouching Noel Edmonds.Copy !req
657. John, 19 Noel Edmonds exactly.Copy !req
658. Munya, 17.7 Noel Edmondses.Copy !req
659. John Kearns wins the five points.
Kearns takes it!Copy !req
660. Over 34 metres. Amazing.Copy !req
661. Sensational work.Copy !req
662. Can I see a scoreboard, please?Copy !req
663. He's still in the lead -
it's John Kearns with 18 points!Copy !req
664. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.Copy !req
665. Right, everyone,
please make your way to the stageCopy !req
666. for the final task of the show.Copy !req
667. Alex, who's going to read
the task out, please?Copy !req
668. Munya is going to read the task out.
Munya!Copy !req
669. So...Copy !req
670. "One member of your team must write
down ten animals in two minutes."Copy !req
671. So who's doing the animals?Copy !req
672. Yeah, I know loads of animals.Copy !req
673. He's got too much confidence
for me. No, no, listen.Copy !req
674. Can I be paired with somebody
a bit meeker, please?Copy !req
675. Team of three, who's going to be
writing the animals?Copy !req
676. I'm going to be writing
the animals. And team of two?Copy !req
677. That was an easy decision.Copy !req
678. Right, if you can step onto
the circles in front of the easels.Copy !req
679. OK, so your two minutes
to write ten animals starts...Copy !req
680. Can we watch the way
Dara's arm movesCopy !req
681. and work out what he's writing?Copy !req
682. Yes, you can.Copy !req
683. Yep, and if you do do that,
let me know,Copy !req
684. because we'll go on tour
and I'll make money off you.Copy !req
685. What's he written for
the first one, Fern?Copy !req
686. I think cat.Copy !req
687. And that's your time up. Well done.Copy !req
688. Return to your spot. Please don't
talk to your team mates.Copy !req
689. The scoring on this task,
just so you know,Copy !req
690. the winning team will get five
points, the losing team zero.Copy !req
691. Whoa!Copy !req
692. OK. Well, the second half
of the task,Copy !req
693. Munya's going to read that as well.Copy !req
694. "Communicate the other teams'
animals to your team membersCopy !req
695. "by saying the letter that comes
before it in the alphabetCopy !req
696. "over and over whilst doing
an impression of that animal."Copy !req
697. Look how giddy you are!Copy !req
698. "Most correct animals named wins.
You have two minutes and one pass."Copy !req
699. OK, Dara's team,
who is going to do the miming?Copy !req
700. It's any one of you.
Oh!Copy !req
701. Oh! I think John should do that.Copy !req
702. I'll give it a go, yeah.Copy !req
703. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
704. They're our animals.
I know all them.Copy !req
705. What am I doing?Copy !req
706. John, please make your way over
to the other spot.Copy !req
707. Yeah!
Yeah.Copy !req
708. John, you're miming those
ten animals. Good luck.Copy !req
709. K.Copy !req
710. Lemur.Copy !req
711. K.
Lion.Copy !req
712. Lion is correct.Copy !req
713. Orangutan.Copy !req
714. Monkey.Copy !req
715. Monkey is correct.Copy !req
716. Cat.
Correct.Copy !req
717. Whale?Copy !req
718. I shouldn't give clues,Copy !req
719. but this is the shittest impression
of that animal I've ever seen.Copy !req
720. You've got one minute, John.Copy !req
721. Oh! Pass.Copy !req
722. OK, he's used the pass.Copy !req
723. Erm, R, R, R.Copy !req
724. Shark.
Shark.Copy !req
725. It is a shark.Copy !req
726. G.Copy !req
727. Horse.Copy !req
728. Wonderful, yes.Copy !req
729. B.Copy !req
730. B.Copy !req
731. B.Copy !req
732. Carp. Erm...Copy !req
733. B.Copy !req
734. B!Copy !req
735. B!Copy !req
736. Crocodile.
Yes!Copy !req
737. It is crocodile.
You've got five seconds, John.Copy !req
738. J.Copy !req
739. Koala bear.Copy !req
740. It is a koala bear!Copy !req
741. Ah, the haunting cry
of the wild wolf. V!Copy !req
742. Team of two.Copy !req
743. Munya, please come to
the miming step.Copy !req
744. Sarah, please go to
the receiving circle.Copy !req
745. You have two minutes starting...Copy !req
746. Cat.
Correct.Copy !req
747. Dog, dog.Copy !req
748. It is dog. It is dog.Copy !req
749. F.Copy !req
750. Giraffe.
Correct.Copy !req
751. S.Copy !req
752. Toad.Copy !req
753. Tiger?Copy !req
754. It's not a toad or a tiger.Copy !req
755. S...Copy !req
756. Pass.Copy !req
757. Oh, she's used the pass.Copy !req
758. Something beginning with L
that looks like a frog? L! L!Copy !req
759. Kangaroo!Copy !req
760. It is kangaroo. It is kangaroo.Copy !req
761. Um... something that would say...Copy !req
762. Oh, God, I don't know.Copy !req
763. It's not helping. That's not
helping. Do something else. B. B. B.Copy !req
764. Chimp. Chimp!Copy !req
765. Yes!
Correct. Correct.Copy !req
766. Is it the right letter? Are you
doing the right letter this time?Copy !req
767. Fish.Copy !req
768. It is fish.
You have 12 seconds left.Copy !req
769. Rabbit.
It is rabbit. Three seconds.Copy !req
770. And that means the team of three
scored seven,Copy !req
771. while the team of two...Copy !req
772. .. also scored seven. It's a draw!Copy !req
773. Right, add those to the final scores
and see where we are.Copy !req
774. Come and join me.Copy !req
775. Hi, great boy.Copy !req
776. I'm a great boy.
What happened?Copy !req
777. Well, they both knew exactly
the same amount of animalsCopy !req
778. and how to mime them.
It was 7-7,Copy !req
779. so they get five points each.
Well done both teams.Copy !req
780. So I can give you
the series scoreboard,Copy !req
781. cos we're halfway through
the series.Copy !req
782. Oh, yes, please. From bottom to top,
Munya has 75 points,Copy !req
783. John 76, Fern 79,Copy !req
784. Sarah on 90,Copy !req
785. and Dara's reached triple
figures with 102.Copy !req
786. And the final scoreboard
for this episode?Copy !req
787. The winner with 23 points
is Mr John Kearns.Copy !req
788. John wins! All of those expensive
useless things are yours.Copy !req
789. Go and get 'em!Copy !req
790. So, what have we learnt today?Copy !req
791. We've learnt that some people are
born with natural athletic ability.Copy !req
792. Dara has his hurling skills,Copy !req
793. Munya can target a cow through
a rubbish chute,Copy !req
794. John can hit a trolley
from 19 Noel Edmonds away,Copy !req
795. Fern can accurately throw a banana
into the mouth of an idiot,Copy !req
796. and Sarah can punch
a floating baguette.Copy !req
797. But if you've got children at home
who are not naturally sporty,Copy !req
798. just leave them to develop,
and they'll find their own skillsCopy !req
799. and interests.
Don't be such a competitive dad.Copy !req
800. Well done again to today's winner,
John Kearns.Copy !req