1. What...!Copy !req
2. This programme contains
strong language and adult humourCopy !req
3. Oh!Copy !req
4. No!Copy !req
5. Shut up!Copy !req
6. Oh, be caref... Ah.Copy !req
7. Aaargh!Copy !req
8. What?Copy !req
9. Hello.Copy !req
10. I am Greg Davies.Copy !req
11. Welcome to Taskmaster.Copy !req
12. What is potential?Copy !req
13. When I was a little boy a school
teacher told my parents I had none.Copy !req
14. By the end of that year
he had witnessed me rustleCopy !req
15. a wild stallion to the groundCopy !req
16. and skitter up the side
of the BT towerCopy !req
17. like a giant mother-loving lizard.Copy !req
18. We all have potential,
we can all unlock.Copy !req
19. With the exception, it seems,
of most of the following people.Copy !req
20. Please give a warm welcome
to Dara O Briain.Copy !req
21. Fern Brady.Copy !req
22. John Kearns.Copy !req
23. Munya Chawawa.Copy !req
24. And Sarah Millican.Copy !req
25. And now for a man who was
once chased and bitten by a peacockCopy !req
26. in an incident he refers to as "the
day I lost my children's respect."Copy !req
27. It's...Copy !req
28. .. Little Alex Horne.Copy !req
29. Hello, everyone. Hello, Greg.
Hi.Copy !req
30. I've got news.
Uh-oh.Copy !req
31. Of my new project.
Oh, yeah?Copy !req
32. A line of clothing -
it's called Simply Alex.Copy !req
33. Would you like me to describe it?
Yep.Copy !req
34. Well, it's for unique occasions.Copy !req
35. You know when sometimes
your fingers are coldCopy !req
36. but your hands are warm,
so I've got these,Copy !req
37. these are called gloveless fingers.Copy !req
38. Gloveless fingers for
the thumb there, of course.Copy !req
39. I've also got... there's a
pant-less crotch.Copy !req
40. You know in this area?
Yep. That's the end.Copy !req
41. OK.Copy !req
42. It's a good job
I can't roundhouse any more.Copy !req
43. Prize task, then.Copy !req
44. What category did I suggest
this time, my furry chum?Copy !req
45. Oh, just another bloody brilliant
one from Mr BrilliantCopy !req
46. your bloody brilliant bloody bloke
because you asked them to bring inCopy !req
47. the greatest addition to a garden.Copy !req
48. Ooooo!Copy !req
49. OK. John, hello.Copy !req
50. Hello. You all right?
Yeah.Copy !req
51. I brought in, er,
I brought in a maze.Copy !req
52. Here's his maze.Copy !req
53. Oh, big maze.Copy !req
54. Yeah. Have you brought in a maze?Copy !req
55. Well, I didn't bring in a maze, no.Copy !req
56. I brought in a Leylandii plant.Copy !req
57. This is what all mazes
are made out of.Copy !req
58. So, you haven't brought in
a maze, you've brought in one plant?Copy !req
59. I would have brought in
a maze if I could.Copy !req
60. You love a maze?Copy !req
61. I do love a maze, yeah.
He loves a maze.Copy !req
62. Yeah, and I'd be as impressed if
you'd brought in a stone and said,Copy !req
63. "This is a potential pyramid."Copy !req
64. I mean, it's weak. Guy's a fool.Copy !req
65. Sarah...Copy !req
66. What I've brought in is something
that I've used every single timeCopy !req
67. I've sat in the garden
when it's been sunnyCopy !req
68. and it is the complete works
of Shakespeare.Copy !req
69. Oh, hang on, John,
you're back in the game.Copy !req
70. Here it is.
Perfect... Perfect for the garden.Copy !req
71. Well, I use a heavy book every
single time I'm in the gardenCopy !req
72. to keep my Magnum wrapper
from flying away.Copy !req
73. Like this.
Lovely... Lovely.Copy !req
74. He'd be pleased. Don't you think
Shakespeare would be pleasedCopy !req
75. that I'm using his...?
I think he'd be mortified.Copy !req
76. His whole life's works holding down
your Magnum wrapper!Copy !req
77. Fortunately for you
he's not scoring this.Copy !req
78. Dara...Copy !req
79. I brought a thermometer.Copy !req
80. But it's a thermometer
that also proves that I wasCopy !req
81. an advertising model
in 1920s France.Copy !req
82. And also, since, on trips
to France I've discoveredCopy !req
83. it's actually a really iconic ad
in France.Copy !req
84. There's a whole second career
for you over there.Copy !req
85. I was quite the character in 1920s
France, yeah, with my Pastis Olive.Copy !req
86. Wow. Which is olive oil, I presume?Copy !req
87. I don't know.Copy !req
88. I just did the gig.Copy !req
89. Incredible. Hello, Fern.Copy !req
90. Uh, so mine is a pizza oven.Copy !req
91. It's a fancy one.Copy !req
92. I've got a pizza oven as wellCopy !req
93. and I started the fire inside it.Copy !req
94. I found this one really hardCopy !req
95. cos I don't enjoy being
in my garden at all.Copy !req
96. I live in a horrible bit
of south east LondonCopy !req
97. so a lot of being in the garden
is just listening to drug dealersCopy !req
98. shout at each other
or trying to ignoreCopy !req
99. a woman dry-heaving in my garden.Copy !req
100. Just to remind you -Copy !req
101. you're watching the light
entertainment show Taskmaster.Copy !req
102. Sorry!Copy !req
103. Munya, can you beat any of these?Copy !req
104. I can G-Wagon, so...Copy !req
105. I don't mind G-Wagon.
OK. Make a note.Copy !req
106. I brought in the bird
that changed my life.Copy !req
107. I'm from ZimbabweCopy !req
108. and when we moved to England
we moved to NorwichCopy !req
109. so virtually indistinguishable.Copy !req
110. Now, there was a lack of wildlife
in NorwichCopy !req
111. so I started to get very homesick
until I met Smooth Rupert, OK?Copy !req
112. Oh, my God.
Smooth Rupert is a blackbirdCopy !req
113. who would fly into my garden.Copy !req
114. All the birds were loving it.Copy !req
115. He was the bird equivalent
of Snoop Dog, OK?Copy !req
116. Obviously, I couldn't bring
him in but I did bring inCopy !req
117. are-incarnation of Smooth Rupert
as I remember him.Copy !req
118. He's a smooth guy.Copy !req
119. Um, OK.Copy !req
120. What you on about?Copy !req
121. You looked out your window
and you saw a blackbird.Copy !req
122. You went, "I'm going to call
that Smooth Rupert"?Copy !req
123. You've never looked out the window
and seen a pigeon and gone,Copy !req
124. "That's an Aggressive Dylan"?
No.Copy !req
125. He won me back a little bit there.
Yeah.Copy !req
126. Let me give some points out.Copy !req
127. So, what is the least great
addition to a garden?Copy !req
128. You know you would have said it was
a solitary tree, wouldn't you?Copy !req
129. Until you saw a pizza ovenCopy !req
130. that someone had tipped
lighter fluid over.Copy !req
131. One point.Copy !req
132. Right, one point to Fern.Copy !req
133. Two points to Smooth Rupert.Copy !req
134. Three points to
a ragged individual tree.Copy !req
135. I think Dara's reward
is infamy around FranceCopy !req
136. and I think Sarah's doing
a little bit for makingCopy !req
137. the Bard relevant
to a modern audience,Copy !req
138. and against all odds
I'm going to give it five points.Copy !req
139. There we go.
Five points to Sarah Millican.Copy !req
140. Task time.
Yes, it is.Copy !req
141. So, let's get the bubbles flowing.Copy !req
142. Hey, Alex.Copy !req
143. Hello, Munya.
Please enter the magical sphere.Copy !req
144. Thanks.Copy !req
145. Hi, Fern, please enter
the wonderful ball. OK.Copy !req
146. Please enter the enchanted orb.Copy !req
147. You have to go into
the plastic igloo.Copy !req
148. The futuristic globule.Copy !req
149. I didn't know you can pens that clip
together like that.Copy !req
150. I'm 46 and I've never wanted
something more in my life.Copy !req
151. Oh, turn on the bubble machine.Copy !req
152. You may not step off
or move the doormat.Copy !req
153. Fastest wins.Copy !req
154. Your time starts now.Copy !req
155. That's the bubble machine?Copy !req
156. Yes.Copy !req
157. Um...Copy !req
158. Uh, power? Um...Copy !req
159. Where's the charger
for the bubble machine?Copy !req
160. Turn it on how -
mechanically or sexually?Copy !req
161. Looks like we cut in the nick of
time before Munya made sweet,Copy !req
162. sweet love to a bubble machine.
Again.Copy !req
163. Um, let's just crack on.Copy !req
164. First, we're going to see Fern
and Dara in the dome.Copy !req
165. OK.Copy !req
166. So you've given me these special
pens that hook together.Copy !req
167. Rubbish.Copy !req
168. I'm missing the thing that turns on
the bubble machine.Copy !req
169. About 12 volts, I imagine.Copy !req
170. Yeah, where have you put it?Copy !req
171. Is it underneath something?Copy !req
172. Oh-oh, ho-ho! Right.Copy !req
173. Ha-ha ha-ha!Copy !req
174. That was dead clever, eh?Copy !req
175. Stop. Let's have you two batteries.Copy !req
176. What do the batteries operate?Copy !req
177. They don't operate this, do they?Copy !req
178. Oh, be care... Ah.
Oops!Copy !req
179. These can't be for no reason.Copy !req
180. OK.Copy !req
181. Uh...Copy !req
182. Ha-ha!Copy !req
183. Ah!Copy !req
184. Oh!Copy !req
185. This is the correct source of powerCopy !req
186. but I need to be able to open it.Copy !req
187. Yes.Copy !req
188. There's only two batteries!Copy !req
189. Oh, no.Copy !req
190. Oh, that's cruel.Copy !req
191. That's not going to be enough.Copy !req
192. I'm a little bit tired now.Copy !req
193. Tired?
Yeah.Copy !req
194. I keep looking at you, cactus,
as if you're the key to this.Copy !req
195. That doesn't sound right.Copy !req
196. What if the battery
is under the car?Copy !req
197. Dara?Copy !req
198. So, where do you think...Copy !req
199. Ugh, fuck's sake.Copy !req
200. Ah, ha-ha! Oh, sneaky.Copy !req
201. Oh, that's irritating.Copy !req
202. I'll stop the clock.Copy !req
203. Thank you, Fern.Copy !req
204. It was pretty fun.Copy !req
205. Congratulations, Dara.
Thank you.Copy !req
206. Do you know the last thing my
wife said to me before I cameCopy !req
207. to Taskmaster today?Copy !req
208. Always check under the table.Copy !req
209. Ooooh!Copy !req
210. So you didn't heed your
wife's advice. I did not, no.Copy !req
211. You looked like you were having
a great time to me, Dara.Copy !req
212. I was... It was loads of fun, yep.Copy !req
213. Dara was quite scientific about it.Copy !req
214. He wondered if it was
a battery-powered cactusCopy !req
215. and that that's where we'd
hidden the batteriesCopy !req
216. whereas Fern was more
an instinct, really.Copy !req
217. At one point she said,
"I need to get in the car."Copy !req
218. But I still solved it in
the same way as Dara so.Copy !req
219. You did. Did you solve it in
the same speed asCopy !req
220. the scientific chuntering Dara?Copy !req
221. Well, they both did about
five minutesCopy !req
222. I'll be more vague this time -
about five minutes.Copy !req
223. That'll certainly keep everyone on
the edge of their seat, wont it?Copy !req
224. About five.
Well, Dara was six minutes 35,Copy !req
225. Fern seven minutes 40,
so about five minutes.Copy !req
226. Now, a break from the norm.Copy !req
227. When you tuck your kids into bed,
instead of reading themCopy !req
228. a bedtime story tonight, tell
them the truth -Copy !req
229. they're parasites
and they've wrecked your dreams.Copy !req
230. We'll see you in a bit.Copy !req
231. Hello!Copy !req
232. Hello, to all you good,
good people out thereCopy !req
233. and hello to all the naughty ones.Copy !req
234. Over to Little Alex Horne
for a Little Alex recap.Copy !req
235. So, before the break we saw Dara
and Fern attempt to activateCopy !req
236. the bubble machine in
the fastest time.Copy !req
237. Sarah Millican hadn't been yet
but neither have John and Munya.Copy !req
238. Here's how they got on.Copy !req
239. Turn on the bubble machine.Copy !req
240. Yes, please.Copy !req
241. Is it on?
Yep.Copy !req
242. Doesn't look like it's on.Copy !req
243. What the hell am in going to do?Copy !req
244. Oh, how do you make it go all stiff?Copy !req
245. Practice.Copy !req
246. What...Copy !req
247. Oh, look who's here now.Copy !req
248. Why doesn't it work?
Does it need batteries?Copy !req
249. Does it need to be plugged in?Copy !req
250. Isn't it meant to go all rigid?Copy !req
251. Yeah.Copy !req
252. So fix the bubble machine.
What, so I need a screwdriver?Copy !req
253. I bet it's in there.Copy !req
254. Heeey!Copy !req
255. Yes...Copy !req
256. Oh, be careful...
Oh!Copy !req
257. I've never used a bubble machine.
I had a Mr Frosty.Copy !req
258. Right, then.Copy !req
259. Can't step off the doormat...Copy !req
260. Doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
261. Why is there a dressing gown?Copy !req
262. It's got something in the pocket.Copy !req
263. Yep.Copy !req
264. Look at this. Ingenuity.Copy !req
265. Do these clip on to each other?Copy !req
266. That's not going to work, is it?Copy !req
267. Yes. No fool, no fool!Copy !req
268. Fuck!Copy !req
269. I'm missing a battery.Copy !req
270. One in here, isn't there?Copy !req
271. That doesn't come off
without a screwdriver.Copy !req
272. I need to make a screwdriver
to get one out of the car.Copy !req
273. You're going to make a
screwdriver out of the coat hanger?Copy !req
274. That's not going to work.Copy !req
275. Why have you given me this?Copy !req
276. Oh!Copy !req
277. Oh!Copy !req
278. Yes.Copy !req
279. Oh, my God. Not this bit.Copy !req
280. Oh, that doesn't feel right.Copy !req
281. What am I missing?
What am I missing?Copy !req
282. Is there something on the floor?Copy !req
283. Oh, my God I've found it!
Oh, you dicks!Copy !req
284. Oh, I hate you all.Copy !req
285. Yes!Copy !req
286. Right, stop the clock.
I knew I could do it.Copy !req
287. All right, no.Copy !req
288. Oh, hang on, well, that doesn't
matter if it's in there.Copy !req
289. Doesn't matter.Copy !req
290. Bubble machine turned on.Copy !req
291. Thanks, John. Bye-bye.Copy !req
292. Wow, it was the dramatic conclusion.Copy !req
293. Munya, you know how screws
work right?Copy !req
294. Yeah, I mean, you insert and twist
like the best things in life.Copy !req
295. Yeah, if you can get them rigid
enough, of course.Copy !req
296. Well, that's the first time
this seriesCopy !req
297. we'll have anything in common so...Copy !req
298. John, you seemed to struggle to see
the batteries a lot of the time?Copy !req
299. Yeah, we had hidden secret
messages everywhere.Copy !req
300. On the batteries it all said
"look down."Copy !req
301. In the middle of
the string it said "look down."Copy !req
302. We weren't expecting people
not to see the batteriesCopy !req
303. that were right there.Copy !req
304. And also John insisted for five
minutes that the machine was onCopy !req
305. before doing anything. Five minutes.Copy !req
306. It technically was on.Copy !req
307. Right. It didn't look on.Copy !req
308. No, I agree with you.Copy !req
309. In the spirit of the task
the machine was definitely off.Copy !req
310. Yeah.Copy !req
311. It was off but it was on.Copy !req
312. I need some statistics.Copy !req
313. Well, I think it's going
to surprise you.Copy !req
314. They took about five minutes,Copy !req
315. and by that I mean John took
ten minutes 45.Copy !req
316. Munya 11 minutes 41.Copy !req
317. Wait, so John beat me?Copy !req
318. Can't be!Copy !req
319. You've got to remember Munya
made a lasso with a torch.Copy !req
320. He tried to make a screwdriver
out of a coat hanger.Copy !req
321. He constructed a bazooka out of the
pens and the cactus and the battery.Copy !req
322. You did spend a lot of time
recreating an episode of The A Team.Copy !req
323. I think Sarah was fast.
Was she fast?Copy !req
324. Well, I can tell you that in last
place it's MunyaCopy !req
325. with over 11 minutes with one point.Copy !req
326. John gets two points
with his ten minutes 45,Copy !req
327. then it's Fern
with seven minutes 40.Copy !req
328. Now we know Dara took
six minutes 35.Copy !req
329. Sarah took six minutes 16
so she gets the five points!Copy !req
330. May I have a scoreboard update
please, Alex?Copy !req
331. Of course you can.
She's got maximum points,Copy !req
332. and she's in the lead
with ten points,Copy !req
333. it's Sarah Millican again.
There we go.Copy !req
334. Another task and make it
a good one.Copy !req
335. Well, I'm afraid this one is
actually tar-PALLING.Copy !req
336. T... it's... it's...Copy !req
337. Go on, crack on.Copy !req
338. Alex.Copy !req
339. Hi, Munya.
Fancy seeing you here.Copy !req
340. Always here. Hello, Dara.Copy !req
341. Oh, Alex.Copy !req
342. "Get this..."Copy !req
343. Argh, come on now.Copy !req
344. "Get this tarpaulin completely
in one of the containers."Copy !req
345. "You have a maximum of five minutesCopy !req
346. "and you must select your container
before touching the tarpaulin."Copy !req
347. "Also you must tidy..." What?Copy !req
348. "Tidy everything up within
those five minutes."Copy !req
349. "Smallest container successfully
filled with the tarpaulin wins.Copy !req
350. "Your time starts after you've
selected your container."Copy !req
351. "And you must select your container
within the next 30 seconds.!Copy !req
352. Smallest wins, smallest wins,
smallest wins.Copy !req
353. That's full of shit.Copy !req
354. Let me pick this.Copy !req
355. OK.Copy !req
356. There's gonna be stuff. So
there's gonna be stuff in it.Copy !req
357. 15 seconds before you select
your container.Copy !req
358. Yep. Uh...Copy !req
359. That's got balloons in.
Bloody ducks again.Copy !req
360. I'm gonna pick this.Copy !req
361. OK.Copy !req
362. Uh, I'm gonna pick...Copy !req
363. Four seconds.Copy !req
364. OK, this one.Copy !req
365. OK.Copy !req
366. This one.Copy !req
367. OK.Copy !req
368. Which container?Copy !req
369. Uh, the green bin.Copy !req
370. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSECopy !req
371. Lots of very interesting thoughts.Copy !req
372. My eye is immediately drawn to MunyaCopy !req
373. because anyone who thinks
that tarpaulin is going inCopy !req
374. a bread bin is insane.Copy !req
375. Well, wait until you see the task.Copy !req
376. Perhaps. Who's up first?Copy !req
377. Uh, we're gonna start off
with Sarah and "Darah".Copy !req
378. Your five minutes starts now.Copy !req
379. Right.Copy !req
380. I mean, I've folded sheets
we've all folded sheets.Copy !req
381. Why is there a snake
underneath the... Oh, no.Copy !req
382. What?Copy !req
383. Oh, there's a snake.Copy !req
384. Do you want me to...?Copy !req
385. Yeah, if you could, please.Copy !req
386. How long have I got?Copy !req
387. You've still got one minute 45.Copy !req
388. It didn't say it had to shut.Copy !req
389. It just says it's got
to be completely in there.Copy !req
390. You've still got a minute.Copy !req
391. That is exactly the right size.Copy !req
392. Oh.Copy !req
393. That's your time up.Copy !req
394. Good work, Sarah.
Thanks.Copy !req
395. I'm waiting for
the bit that went wrong.Copy !req
396. OK. I felt like you were asked
to put a tarpaulin awayCopy !req
397. and you folded it nicely,
both of you,Copy !req
398. and you put it in
the container that you'd chosenCopy !req
399. and you subsequently tidied up
really well.Copy !req
400. You're watching Taskmaster.Copy !req
401. I really enjoyed it.Copy !req
402. Folding and tidying, what's
not to like?Copy !req
403. Dara, did you enjoy folding
something away really efficiently?Copy !req
404. Yeah, but I wouldn't like
televise it most of the time.Copy !req
405. No, only, only a madman would.Copy !req
406. Don't forget, for those people who
are thinking of turning off,Copy !req
407. we've still
got bread bin boy to come.Copy !req
408. Right, we're off again for
a few minutes.Copy !req
409. Just enough time for you
to work out howCopy !req
410. to turn down your partner's advances
later on. Any suggestions, Alex?Copy !req
411. Uh, well I usually just pretend,
pretend to be very, very sad.Copy !req
412. See you in part three.Copy !req
413. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSECopy !req
414. Hello, and welcome back,Copy !req
415. and a hey diddly dee,
it's the start of part three.Copy !req
416. Yes, and fiddly dee, fiddly do,Copy !req
417. I had an X-rated dream about you.
But enough about me.Copy !req
418. Tarpaulin tidying,
that's the name of the current game.Copy !req
419. Pick a container and fit it in,Copy !req
420. smallest container
successfully filled wins.Copy !req
421. We're gonna see the final three now.
Brady, Chawawa, Kearns.Copy !req
422. Horrible man.Copy !req
423. So what am I meant to do
with these coins?Copy !req
424. How much is in here?Copy !req
425. Um...Copy !req
426. You're basically making me
do tidying.Copy !req
427. Yeah, this starts with a lot
of tidying, yeah.Copy !req
428. Do you not like tidying?
No. It's boring.Copy !req
429. Um...Copy !req
430. Well, that's not a problem, is
it? Just put them back in there.Copy !req
431. OK, right, let's think.
How do they do it for bedsheets?Copy !req
432. What do they do for bedsheets?Copy !req
433. There's a snake!Copy !req
434. Is it real?Copy !req
435. What the...?Copy !req
436. What the fuck?
That's a snake.Copy !req
437. What's happening?Copy !req
438. It's not real, obviously.Copy !req
439. Do you want me to get it?
I can get it.Copy !req
440. What are you doing?
Do you want me to get it?Copy !req
441. Uh, no.
OK.Copy !req
442. Is there things in this?Copy !req
443. You've got three minutes, Fern.Copy !req
444. But you've put something in here.Copy !req
445. There's millions of marbles
and spoons and things.Copy !req
446. There must be some sort of trick.Copy !req
447. 15 seconds.
Fuck.Copy !req
448. How many minutes?Copy !req
449. Two. You've gotta clean all that up.Copy !req
450. Do I really though?Copy !req
451. Mm-hm.Copy !req
452. Right now, it's inside, isn't it?Copy !req
453. It's not completely inside.Copy !req
454. Well, it, that, that's just
not possible.Copy !req
455. Argh, how do people get bodies in
these? It must be so hard.Copy !req
456. It's inside, isn't it?Copy !req
457. Argh.Copy !req
458. Done.Copy !req
459. I guess I'm gonna
tidy up the forks.Copy !req
460. Yeah, thank you.Copy !req
461. Well, that's certainly spiced things
up a little bit, hasn't it?Copy !req
462. Um, you reverted to being
a angry 15-year-old, Fern,Copy !req
463. at the beginning.Copy !req
464. Yeah.
"No, why? It's boring."Copy !req
465. Because they made out I really had
to tidy up the spoons and marbles.Copy !req
466. You did, that was part
of the task.Copy !req
467. No, like, obviously someone from
the crew can do that, come on.Copy !req
468. Um, what I wrote down
about John was,Copy !req
469. "John cuts quite a lonely figure in
this task, doesn't he?"Copy !req
470. What?Copy !req
471. We're all, we're all, uh, we're
all on our own in this task.Copy !req
472. Yeah, some people just seem
more alone than others.Copy !req
473. Uh, I, I'm thinking specificallyCopy !req
474. of when you chose your
receptacle, you opened it,Copy !req
475. you discovered there
were balloons there,Copy !req
476. you, you took them all outCopy !req
477. and then you held them
for some time.Copy !req
478. Yeah, you stood still
for 80 seconds, John.Copy !req
479. Munya, I'm intrigued asCopy !req
480. to what part of you thought that
was going inside a bread bin.Copy !req
481. I'm seeing these containers
and I'm thinking,Copy !req
482. "OK, obviously there's, there's
something underneathCopy !req
483. "the smaller container".Copy !req
484. So I was thinking when I openedCopy !req
485. the bread bin it's just gonna
be like a sewer.Copy !req
486. So when I opened...Copy !req
487. I'm playing it out in my head,Copy !req
488. I'm gonna open it it's gonna
be a sewer,Copy !req
489. the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are
gonna be under there.Copy !req
490. "What up, dude,
you wanna put that in there, dude?Copy !req
491. "OK, come on in. Ah."
But that didn't happen.Copy !req
492. God, I never thought I would long
to hear Smooth Rupert come back.Copy !req
493. Well, look, points-wise,Copy !req
494. Sarah put the tarpaulin completely
in the laundry basketCopy !req
495. and then taped the basket shut.Copy !req
496. Dara got the tarpaulin completely
in the laundry basketCopy !req
497. and just put the lid on.Copy !req
498. He did leave one lid carelessly on
the floor.Copy !req
499. Who got the least tarpaulin in?
Munya.Copy !req
500. Right, one point to Munya.Copy !req
501. OK who got the next amount
of tarpaulin in?Copy !req
502. John Kearns.Copy !req
503. John Kearns, two points to him.Copy !req
504. Fern, three points,Copy !req
505. Dara can have four but the queenCopy !req
506. and the only one who really deserves
any points, Sarah Millican.Copy !req
507. Well done, Sarah.
Five points.Copy !req
508. Right, may we have just one
more, please?Copy !req
509. Of course and this one's well
classy.Copy !req
510. Greee, pow.Copy !req
511. Sorry, I like to make an entrance.Copy !req
512. John.Copy !req
513. You all right, Al?Copy !req
514. Alex.Copy !req
515. Gold pen, am I being retired?Copy !req
516. Yes, congratulations.
Thank you.Copy !req
517. I've give the best years of my
life to you, Alex.Copy !req
518. And we're very grateful.
OK.Copy !req
519. Oh!Copy !req
520. Oh, baby.
"Write down five wonderful words."Copy !req
521. "You've one minute,
your time starts now."Copy !req
522. Um.Copy !req
523. Last year, when I started
learning one new wordCopy !req
524. a day people laughed at me.
Now who's laughing?Copy !req
525. Me, loquaciously.Copy !req
526. Loquacious.Copy !req
527. 20 seconds, Fern.Copy !req
528. Done.Copy !req
529. 12 seconds if you wanna
change your mind. No.Copy !req
530. Thanks, John.Copy !req
531. Euphoria.Copy !req
532. Ten seconds.Copy !req
533. Sex. I panicked, I panicked.Copy !req
534. Great. Great stuff.Copy !req
535. I doubt I'm leaving the room.Copy !req
536. What have I got to do now?
I genuinely don't know.Copy !req
537. I don't believe you for a second.Copy !req
538. I never believe anything you
say apart from,Copy !req
539. "Everything you needs on
the task." Is that how you talk?Copy !req
540. All the information, all
the information's on the task.Copy !req
541. Why do I feel I have made a
rod for my own back?Copy !req
542. "Write a classic song."Copy !req
543. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
544. "You must write lyrics for
a piece of classical music."Copy !req
545. "Your lyrics must contain your
five wonderful words."Copy !req
546. "You have 30 minutes your
time starts now."Copy !req
547. I'm gonna give you some options.Copy !req
548. Jesus is Lord,
do you need that many wires?Copy !req
549. Is that an iPod Touch?Copy !req
550. What, was it World War II?Copy !req
551. And is it only those
words or other words?Copy !req
552. Oh, other words as well.
Oh, OK, fine.Copy !req
553. Oh, you wrote out the
name of the song.Copy !req
554. Yeah, it's Clair de Lune, isn't it?
Correct. Thank you.Copy !req
555. Oh, I think it's too poignant
for this.Copy !req
556. Too poignant, OK.Copy !req
557. Is that Hall of the Mountain King?Copy !req
558. Correct. Two points.Copy !req
559. How many points am I getting
for this? Loads.Copy !req
560. Next.Copy !req
561. That is a banger. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Pop the next one on.Copy !req
562. Swan Lake by Tchaikovsky.Copy !req
563. No?Copy !req
564. No.
No?Copy !req
565. It's too British.Copy !req
566. No to Mozart. Last one.Copy !req
567. I can play this.Copy !req
568. I don't know that one.Copy !req
569. It's not his best.Copy !req
570. You're not writing lyrics
to that though. No?Copy !req
571. Well, if he didn't.Copy !req
572. What's it called? Not even a
good name, Sonata in C Major.Copy !req
573. I need to listen
to it while I write the song.Copy !req
574. Yeah. Here we go.
What, you just stand there?Copy !req
575. Yes. You have to keep going
back to the start.Copy !req
576. This is how I like
to write my raps.Copy !req
577. Yeah, me too. Here we go.Copy !req
578. Stop. Pause.Copy !req
579. OK, wheel up again.Copy !req
580. Pause again.Copy !req
581. In.Copy !req
582. Where do you reckon people
would sing your song?Copy !req
583. In their heads.Copy !req
584. Can you really play that
on a piano?Copy !req
585. Yeah, instead
of having friends at school,Copy !req
586. I spent two years learning
Mozart's SonatasCopy !req
587. and that's one of my
favourite ones.Copy !req
588. Oh. Too British for me.Copy !req
589. Well, I can't wait.Copy !req
590. OK, well, five classic songs coming
up. First up it's John Kearns.Copy !req
591. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSECopy !req
592. It's not far off the original.
The original Swan Lake,Copy !req
593. Price Siegfried fell in loveCopy !req
594. with a swan and then ordered a
curry. Yeah.Copy !req
595. I, uh, am fascinated to learn more
about the narrative of the piece.Copy !req
596. So he's in his pyjamas so he's
not, he's not well, bless him.Copy !req
597. Yeah.Copy !req
598. So to kind of, uh, clear
the cold that he has,Copy !req
599. he's ordered a hot curry.Copy !req
600. He opens the curry... Yeah.Copy !req
601. .. there's
a bloody satsuma in there.Copy !req
602. John, this might seem over
the top, but I think that,Copy !req
603. what we've just seen, is
the best thing you're ever gonna do.Copy !req
604. Next?Copy !req
605. Yeah, next.Copy !req
606. Next up, let's see
and hear Fern Brady.Copy !req
607. Oh, no.Copy !req
608. APPLAUSE, CHEERINGCopy !req
609. That was painful.Copy !req
610. You saddled yourself
with some stinker wordsCopy !req
611. but it was a masterpiece,
wasn't it?Copy !req
612. Yeah.Copy !req
613. I wasn't aware we were allowed
to write a dis-track. Uh...Copy !req
614. She really took you all down,
didn't she?Copy !req
615. Really did.
I mean accurately as well.Copy !req
616. I don't know what, I don't know
what my word means.Copy !req
617. You were obsequious.
Obsequious, yeah.Copy !req
618. Oh, that you suck up to people
and you really don't.Copy !req
619. You're, you're not.
I mean he does, he doesn't.Copy !req
620. Wow.Copy !req
621. Dara, you're not obsequious.Copy !req
622. Thanks, Greg.Copy !req
623. Break time.Copy !req
624. Can I get anyone anything from
the bar, hmm?Copy !req
625. I'll have a Smooth Rupert, please?Copy !req
626. Welcome back for
a final time this time.Copy !req
627. What was happening before
the break, young Alex?Copy !req
628. Classical music, Greg.Copy !req
629. So I suppose you really should have
said "Welcome Bach." No?Copy !req
630. Next up, and putting lyrics to
Debussy at last,Copy !req
631. it's Sarah Millican.Copy !req
632. Oh, shit.Copy !req
633. Here we go.Copy !req
634. I'm not watching.Copy !req
635. APPLAUSE, CHEERINGCopy !req
636. Yeah, she hated doing this.Copy !req
637. She absolutely hated doing that,
but I think it's wonderful.Copy !req
638. Oh, I have such a terrible history
of singing though.Copy !req
639. Like, I was in a relationshipCopy !req
640. with somebody who always said,
"Don't sing it sounds awful".Copy !req
641. And I didn't sing for yearsCopy !req
642. and that was THE,Copy !req
643. probably THE most horrific thing
I've ever done in my whole life.Copy !req
644. Who was it who said that you
sang awful at singing?Copy !req
645. Ex-partner.Copy !req
646. Oh, fuck you, ex-partner.Copy !req
647. CHEERING, APPLAUSECopy !req
648. My life is now in the section of my
life that is after watching that.Copy !req
649. Everything building up has been
before watching thatCopy !req
650. and now my life can begin again.Copy !req
651. I genuinely thought it
was really sweet.Copy !req
652. It was certainly quite
a contrast to,Copy !req
653. Yeah, and the story made sense.Copy !req
654. The story did make sense.Copy !req
655. I think it's about a womanCopy !req
656. and a cat who are both eating
biscuit crumbs from a bra.Copy !req
657. Yeah. It's a comfier bra,
it's like a night-time bra,Copy !req
658. like the sort of bra you wear
on, like, a Sunday.Copy !req
659. I know what a bralette is.
Have a look.Copy !req
660. You need a bit of structure.Copy !req
661. No, sorry. Um...Copy !req
662. This is gonna be an absolute stinker
to judge. Who's next?Copy !req
663. Yeah. Now it's Dara O Briain.Copy !req
664. APPLAUSE, CHEERINGCopy !req
665. Before I come onto the song uh–my
first observation isCopy !req
666. I think it would have been niceCopy !req
667. to have had more of your face
in the video.Copy !req
668. It looked to me like a public
information song from the '70s.Copy !req
669. Well, it, it, it's based on
a real event.Copy !req
670. Uh, where I met a man who said,Copy !req
671. "I'll throw you out of
a window." Uh, and...Copy !req
672. Where did you meet this man?
In Prague. Uh, and he said,Copy !req
673. "I will defenestrate you",
which is as you knowCopy !req
674. a very common thing in Prague in
times of political upheaval.Copy !req
675. That's how they assassinate people.
Of course, I don't know whyCopy !req
676. I'm telling you that.
Obsequious. And...Copy !req
677. Even during that description of whatCopy !req
678. the songs about all
I'm looking at is his big head.Copy !req
679. It did lean into my big head.
It did make...Copy !req
680. I don't think you have got
a big headCopy !req
681. but on that video it sort
of, I don't know. Who's next?Copy !req
682. OK. There's only one person left.
Munya Chawawa.Copy !req
683. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSECopy !req
684. Um, I think, uh,Copy !req
685. it's the most middle class rap
I've ever heard in my life.Copy !req
686. What was it about?Copy !req
687. You know, it was off
the dome, uh, you know.Copy !req
688. It was off the dome?Copy !req
689. Me and the homies were chilling
in the back.Copy !req
690. We were freestyling, 8-miling.Copy !req
691. Real, real Prague smiling. We were.Copy !req
692. Yeah, sorry, mate.
I don't think you heard my question.Copy !req
693. What was it about?Copy !req
694. Can we have some scores?
OK.Copy !req
695. I'm not gonna give anyone one point.Copy !req
696. It's probably that I'm not straight
enough to appreciate rapCopy !req
697. and also I don't know whatCopy !req
698. the hell Dara was going on about.Copy !req
699. So I'm giving Dara
and Munya two points each.Copy !req
700. OK.Copy !req
701. I felt the same emotion aboutCopy !req
702. the tangerine curry as I did aboutCopy !req
703. So I'm giving them four points each.Copy !req
704. But the one that really
touched me the most,Copy !req
705. five points goes to Sarah Millican.Copy !req
706. APPLAUSE, CHEERINGCopy !req
707. OK, it's time for me to send you
to the stageCopy !req
708. for the final task of the show.Copy !req
709. Who's gonna read out the task?Copy !req
710. Uh, Dara O Briain, please.Copy !req
711. "Throw your egg and your spoon
the same distance.Copy !req
712. "Both egg and spoon must cross
the qualifying line.Copy !req
713. "If either your egg or
spoon fall off the 'Knappet',Copy !req
714. "you are disqualified.Copy !req
715. "The most distanced egg
and spoon each round are out.Copy !req
716. "If your egg doesn't break,
your distance is halved.Copy !req
717. "Last player standing wins."Copy !req
718. So, one at a time, you'll go to
the throwing circleCopy !req
719. with an egg and a spoon.Copy !req
720. You'll throw them both
over this line.Copy !req
721. Each time the person whose eggCopy !req
722. and spoon are farthest apart from
each other will be out.Copy !req
723. It's Dara to throw first.Copy !req
724. O Briain approaches the play zone.Copy !req
725. Not a bad throw.
Not a bad throw.Copy !req
726. Fern, you're up next. If you could
select an orange egg, please.Copy !req
727. Just so you know we're measuring
the egg, not the paint.Copy !req
728. Most of the egg has gone over
the qualifying line.Copy !req
729. Oh, it's further.Copy !req
730. It is further.Copy !req
731. John Kearns next, please.Copy !req
732. Yellow.Copy !req
733. Kearns.Copy !req
734. That is bold.Copy !req
735. It's Munya next.
Green to match him.Copy !req
736. I hope this doesn't throw you off,Copy !req
737. but one of your eggs does contain
the corpse of Smooth Rupert.Copy !req
738. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSECopy !req
739. Solid.Copy !req
740. He has managed to shove the yellow
egg farther away from the spoon.Copy !req
741. It's essentially a form of curling.Copy !req
742. That is fine, that is fine.Copy !req
743. Yeah. Sarah Millican. Blue.Copy !req
744. It's been a while since
I've had any eggs.Copy !req
745. Thank you for getting
the ovary joke.Copy !req
746. Are you going spoon first?Copy !req
747. Is that not allowed?Copy !req
748. It's allowed.Copy !req
749. Great spoon game.Copy !req
750. Yellow is out.Copy !req
751. Sorry, John.Copy !req
752. What, I don't get another go?
No.Copy !req
753. John, just to show you're out,Copy !req
754. would you put your hands on your
chin, please?Copy !req
755. There we are.Copy !req
756. OK, it's round two.Copy !req
757. Remember, if you don't break your
egg, your distance is halved.Copy !req
758. In all honesty, Alex, I don't
understand this one at all.Copy !req
759. I was asking John the rules earlierCopy !req
760. and he's like the
worst person to ask.Copy !req
761. I think Fern might be in trouble.Copy !req
762. That has absolutely
backfired on you.Copy !req
763. Oh, my god.Copy !req
764. You've lost, Sarah,
you've lost, Sarah.Copy !req
765. I know.Copy !req
766. Round three.Copy !req
767. It didn't go beyond
the qualification line.Copy !req
768. We've lost Munya Chawawa.Copy !req
769. Unlucky, Munya.Copy !req
770. And to the gripping finale.Copy !req
771. Dara.Copy !req
772. Not bad, not bad.
Lovely, lovely.Copy !req
773. This is so much pressure.Copy !req
774. That's a nice throw. Here we go.Copy !req
775. Oh, fuck.Copy !req
776. Dara O Briain is the winner.Copy !req
777. Come back down and we'll add that
to your final scores.Copy !req
778. Wow. Big wow. High octane.Copy !req
779. Yes, poor old John only had one go,
so he gets one point.Copy !req
780. Two to Sarah,
three to Munya, four to FernCopy !req
781. but yet again, Dara O Briain,
he's, he's very good at this.Copy !req
782. Five points to Dara O Briain.
There it is.Copy !req
783. And so to the final scoreboard.Copy !req
784. Well, for the first time ever,
all five have the same points.Copy !req
785. No nothing like that, no.Copy !req
786. We have a winnerCopy !req
787. and that winner has 22 points,
it's Sarah Millican.Copy !req
788. APPLAUSE, CHEERINGCopy !req
789. Sarah wins.Copy !req
790. Please go and visit
your garden of delights.Copy !req
791. OK, were off and you're off too.Copy !req
792. But first, let's support the winner
of episode four.Copy !req
793. One more time, it's Sarah Millican.Copy !req