Taskmaster 14x2

1. What?

2. This programme contains strong language and adult humour

3. Ah!

4. Up!

5. No!

6. Shut up!

7. Argh!

8. What? Ah!

9. Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

10. I'm Greg Davies and I am the Taskmaster,

11. and I mean the real one,

12. not the comic book villain that pops up when you google me.

13. We've both got our skills.

14. He can mimic any fighting style

15. and I can take down

16. an 18-inch pizza in one by unhooking my jaw

17. like a mighty human snake.

18. Mm! Ssss! Delicious.

19. And I'm the only Taskmaster that wields power

20. over trophy-hungry comedians.

21. They are my fantastic five and they are ready to save

22. the world by being rubbish at tasks.

23. So please welcome Dara O Briain,

24. Fern Brady,

25. John Kearns,

26. Munya Chawawa

27. and Sarah Millican.

28. And next to me is someone who I can be

29. a little bit cruel to,

30. but at the end of the day I'm proud to call my best friend.

31. Aw!

32. It's Trunky, the naughty elephant.

33. Love you, Trunky!

34. And next to him, a wretched hairy weasel.

35. Little Alex Horne!

36. Thank you, everyone.

37. What we gonna chat about this week? Well, I've got a really funny story.

38. Mm.

39. You wanna hear it? Yeah.

40. Well, yesterday, I, erm, I got a piggy back.

41. Yep.

42. Cos I'd lent... I'd lent my piggy to my uncle,

43. and then... and then he gave... gave it back to me.

44. Gave you your piggy back. So I got my piggy back.

45. It's a funny story.

46. Prize Task, then.

47. What's the category? I'll tell you, Alex.

48. It's the best thing you nearly keep throwing away

49. but can't quite bring yourself to.

50. I'll give five points for the best one,

51. and the winner of the episode will get

52. to take them all home and keep them all forever,

53. and that is how replaceable you are.

54. Munya.

55. I have brought in my first-ever house plant.

56. Oh, that bodes badly. Go on.

57. So as we know, a house plant is

58. a good metric of how much of an adult you are.

59. You know, if you can keep a plant, you can keep a puppy.

60. If you can keep a puppy, you can keep a child.

61. You know, it's like the Royal Marines advert.

62. So...

63. I said to myself, if I can keep this alive,

64. I'm gonna be a better man.

65. So I spent 40 quid, I named him Young Pablo.

66. He died after a week.

67. I realised that, kind of like your nan,

68. if you move it about every once in a while,

69. give it a bit of water, it won't completely die.

70. So, what I have managed to do

71. is keep Young Pablo alive

72. for five years, but on the brink of death.

73. Would you like to see Young Pablo now?

74. Someone is going to win this.

75. Not a bad prize on a quiz.

76. It bodes well for your... for your future children.

77. Dara, can you beat a plant that's barely alive?

78. Yeah, I can give you a thing that should be alive,

79. but is now dead.

80. And is a section of my leg.

81. AUDIENCE OOHS

82. They're impressed. What do you mean?

83. Part of my leg broke off during a football match

84. and had to be removed,

85. and then they give it to you.

86. A part of your leg just snapped off?

87. It broke off and then, cos I'm nails,

88. I pushed it back in again and carried on playing.

89. It's made my balls go up inside myself.

90. Ah, do you want me to...? No, no, no.

91. Let's have a look at a bit of Dara's bone.

92. There you go.

93. Oh! Strong Dara.

94. By the way, I've kept my tonsils. People do.

95. Yeah? Yeah, they're still in my... in my throat.

96. Um... Fern.

97. Uh... I want my house

98. to look like something out of architectural digest,

99. and my boyfriend wants it

100. to look like something out of Steptoe And Son.

101. So it's this dirty, disgusting tankard

102. and he uses it to keep toothbrushes inside.

103. I have tried to sort of sneakily throw it out before.

104. So if you do badly, I'm... I'm doing you a favour?

105. Yeah, what happens if I do badly, do you take it away from me?

106. It means that if you do badly,

107. someone else gets to win it and keep it now.

108. Yes, let's do that.

109. John.

110. I brought in Ulysses by James Joyce.

111. I've had that for about 20 years. Never read it.

112. Do you think, tonally, you've got this wrong?

113. No, because it's the best piece of literature ever written,

114. so it's one of the best things I've ever... seen.

115. But I have ambition... to read it. So, I'll never throw it out.

116. I think I'm surprised cos I'm expecting there to be a twist.

117. Well, there might be, I haven't read it. I don't know.

118. Sarah? Hi.

119. Can you definitely beat John's book?

120. I don't know. That's up to you to decide.

121. I already have.

122. It's my husbands' zombie.

123. Here it is.

124. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

125. It's 6ft tall

126. and frightens the shit out of me

127. twice a week, maybe.

128. It's awful. Please take it away.

129. Maybe you could clear a little room and let that be his special room?

130. It is in a special room. Oh.

131. It's called the zombie room.

132. So it's hard to throw her away when she's in her own room.

133. Well, Greg there's quite

134. a haul of prizes tonight for someone.

135. Do you want me to go from John upwards, or the other way?

136. Second book in a row, second one point in a row - hello, John. Yeah, yeah.

137. I feel pretty much the same about a mug and a zombie.

138. Three points each.

139. OK. Three points each to Fern and Sarah. That's right.

140. And now I jump up... Unbelievably, I'm putting

141. a half dead plant in second place

142. just cos I liked all the flannel that went with it.

143. And if anyone brings part of their body that just fell off them in,

144. I mean, for sympathy more than anything, they get five points.

145. Five points to Dara O Briain. There it is!

146. Right, what's lined up for the first task, Alex?

147. Well, Greg, it's only the king of all stationery items.

148. Shall we say it together?

149. Yes. One two three.

150. A laminator!

151. Can you see me? Yeah, there you are.

152. I feel like we should do like an action movie intro.

153. What do you think? Yes, please.

154. What did I miss?

155. Hello, Munya. Don't say that.

156. Say something like, you know, I'm glad you're here or something.

157. I'm glad you're here.

158. Oh!

159. Print laminate and distribute the most signs.

160. Each of your signs must be placed on a different seat.

161. And all your signs must have a different instruction.

162. You have 20 minutes. And your time starts now.

163. How long does it take to laminate a sign?

164. What size does the sign have to be?

165. Is there a standard size for laminated signs?

166. I used to work in my dad's office,

167. and he docked some of my wages cos he had a laminating machine,

168. and I laminated love letters to my ex-boyfriend. Good times.

169. Fern, it feels like I probably shouldn't ask,

170. but why were you laminating letters to your ex-boyfriend?

171. They were love letters,

172. and by laminating it,

173. I felt like it showed that I really meant what I was saying.

174. Yeah. I mean, I-I agree.

175. My family moto is print, laminate, distribute.

176. OK, let's go.

177. Let's see. OK, well, first up, it's Fern, John and Dara.

178. So start off with a simple one.

179. Don't sit down.

180. Turn your phone to silent.

181. I mean anything's an instruction, isn't it?

182. It's just a blank-headed document.

183. Now the document's gone to tiny font.

184. This is... What? What?

185. It's quite nice to look at fonts now and then.

186. Yep. What font have you gone for?

187. I've always liked Georgia.

188. Where's print? Um... Is there a picture of a printer somewhere?

189. Is there... Is that how these things work?

190. You're looking for a picture of a printer?

191. I'm looking for a picture of a printer.

192. Change to diary invite?

193. Where's print?

194. I haven't seen some of these fonts since I was about ten.

195. Jokerman. Look at this.

196. What's that thing middle-aged women have on signs?

197. Live, laugh...

198. .. gin?

199. That's the size of the sign I just made.

200. I can't actually read it, what does it say?

201. It says... These instructions are quite clear.

202. The instructions are on the sign.

203. First sign. Right, first sign.

204. So there's a sign. It's not laminated!

205. Uh, right, Wingdings.

206. I feel so productive, even though this is very silly.

207. Do these things separate?

208. They separate!

209. The factory is now open.

210. Do you know what that says?

211. Bums only.

212. I can't remember what the other two meant.

213. I don't remember typing "leave your husband".

214. So I've written some of these in a fugue state.

215. WHISTLE BLOWS

216. Thank you, Dara.

217. Hold up. There's two that say warm your bum.

218. That says warm your bum.

219. How have I done that in three times?

220. Hello, Fern. Hello.

221. That's for you as well.

222. A little something extra.

223. Obey all your signs.

224. Highest percentage of signs obeyed wins.

225. You have three minutes. Your time starts now. Good luck.

226. Well, I can't!

227. OK. Watch out for burglars.

228. Burglars! High-value kidnappers!

229. Well, that's your seat. So could you sit there?

230. The Jokerman's seat.

231. So we'll wait for him to turn up.

232. Eat 25g fibre a day, starting from now. Where's my sandwich for lunch?

233. Muntjack deer! Oh, tigers!

234. The Gruffalo!

235. Yeah, I mean I've walked straight into this now, haven't I?

236. Cos I... I don't remember what that says.

237. Breathe. SHE INHALES SHARPLY

238. Warm your bum. Warm your bum.

239. "Get your arse off this." It's not on this.

240. Here come the police, run away!

241. "Leave your husband." Oh, I'm not married.

242. "Run."

243. "Warm your bum."

244. I'm typing in the word "bum" because I remember writing that.

245. Right, you've got 38 seconds.

246. Oh.

247. That... that is not...

248. It change... it changed.

249. I'm sure it changes.

250. That's it, I've done them all. Finished?

251. The only thing it's told me to do is watch out for stuff.

252. Muntjack deer!

253. I don't know. I definitely wrote "home".

254. Right, that's bollocks.

255. That apparently is "home" in Wingdings.

256. You've got one minute left. Ah, I can't do this instruction.

257. What does it say? "Poo in your pants."

258. That's a problem.

259. Whoa. Yes, it will come out, won't it?

260. What's the word? Would it bifurcate into two separate poos?

261. You've got five seconds, John. Yep.

262. Done.

263. John, I put it to you, you're not in this for the win.

264. I think Wingdings changes every time you use it.

265. I don't think that can be true.

266. That's true. That's the Enigma machine.

267. Jokerman's seat, is that an instruction?

268. Uh...

269. The task didn't say the signs had to be instructions, did it?

270. No, it's exactly what it said, yes.

271. There's quite an arse theme within your response, Fern.

272. You warmed your bum three times, successfully,

273. and then you said a word that I wasn't aware of. Mm.

274. Bifurcation. Did you know about bifurcation?

275. I did know about bifurcation. Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

276. He went to Cambridge.

277. I went to a... college.

278. So...

279. Uh, Dara. Yes.

280. What I wrote down is,

281. "Dara's reaction to seeing high-value kidnappers,

282. "tigers, The Gruffalo is identical."

283. Ah!

284. Dara looked like he did a lot, but it's percentage, isn't it? It's percentage.

285. Dara did all 100% of his.

286. He did 25 out of 25.

287. Fern managed to do 75% of her instructions.

288. John - sort of half.

289. I couldn't read half of them, man!

290. OK, time for a break. For fun, why don't you ask your partner

291. during the break if they'd like a nice cup of tea?

292. If they say yes, scream into their face,

293. "Tough, I would like to have been noticed

294. "for the last 15 years." See you after the break.

295. Welcome, welcome back. It's the start of part two.

296. Yes, it is, and we're in the middle of a two-part task.

297. They had to print and laminate lots of signs

298. and then, unbeknownst to them, obey as many of them as possible.

299. There are two people left.

300. One is a human called Sarah, the other is

301. a "chiwawa" called Munya. Here we go.

302. All right, so this should be fairly easy.

303. This technology is just like breathing to me.

304. Print. Ooh! We're off.

305. Oh, I like the smell.

306. Go on, then.

307. You don't need to press anything.

308. Yeah, well, who out of both of us is likely

309. to know more about technology?

310. It's not doing much, is it?

311. Oh, right, I need to put some of this on it.

312. What's this for?

313. Come on. Why's it sweating?

314. Get that back out.

315. Thank God for that.

316. So this is your very first lamination, is it? It is.

317. I mean, it might... Is it the best day of my life?

318. There's got to be some sort of fast setting on this.

319. Why would they have a fast setting?

320. Well, because in case you're in a rush. There you go.

321. Do you think the other guys would have already laminated?

322. Can you imagine Munya laminating?

323. No. Where did you get this thing from, man?

324. Look at what it's done to my sign. I think you might have broken it when you pulled the thing through.

325. Wow. How long have I got left?

326. You've got 30 seconds.

327. Come on. Faster, faster, faster.

328. Oh, my Lord.

329. WHISTLE BLOWS

330. Oh, no, what? Is there more?

331. "Obey all of your signs."

332. All right.

333. Alex stinks - agree.

334. I agree Alex stinks.

335. Number one. Go.

336. Walk out of the door. There's a doorway.

337. Live - doing it.

338. Laugh - ha-ha.

339. Be leng. I mean, come on.

340. Oh, there's a door!

341. Walk out the door. Turn around.

342. Oh, I feel dizzy.

343. Be healthy, my bro. One, two...

344. "Leave."Sod off." It says "go away." This says "bugger off".

345. Well, I did everything.

346. 100%, you think? Yeah.

347. "Do eat that."Don't eat that."

348. "Take your pants off." No way.

349. Imagine that on the telly. Done.

350. Munya, with the reason of hindsight, would you say that the sentence

351. "technology is like breathing to me,"

352. that the confidence there was misplaced?

353. No, because the thing is it was ageist

354. because I know to you guys a laminator's like a PS5,

355. but for me I'm used to the more... you know the nippy stuff.

356. Can I ask a question? What's a PS5?

357. PlayStation.

358. Oh. For children, yep.

359. It's like a...

360. So what you did, Sarah, was an extended mega mix of I Will Survive,

361. the song? Started off that way.

362. Just because I was trying to think of quick instructions.

363. Yeah, but it's nice cos Gloria Gaynor should have been more aggressive.

364. She should have said, "Go on, bugger off."

365. Sarah did a healthy number of instructions - 14 -

366. and obeyed 91% of them,

367. cos she did not take her pants off. She did not take her pants off.

368. No, didn't have any on, so, you know...

369. Whereas Munya managed to laminate nine signs.

370. He then obeyed all nine.

371. AUDIENCE OOHS

372. There's two sets of scores.

373. One for the amount of signs and one for the percentage obeyed.

374. In the first half, John gets one point

375. for his measly seven signs, two to Munya,

376. three for Sarah, four for Fern, five for Dara.

377. And then, in terms of percentage obeyed, again John only one point,

378. two for Fern, three for Sarah,

379. but Munya and Dara both get five points

380. because they both obeyed 100% of their signs.

381. So that's how the scoring works.

382. Shall we have a look at the scoreboard?

383. Yes, well, unbelievably, John is at the bottom of

384. the scoreboard with just three points.

385. The leader has five times as many as him.

386. That's Dara with 15 points! Whoa!

387. I'd like another task, please.

388. Yes, of course, and it's time to get your diving gear on

389. and then go delving for grapes.

390. This is a lovely location.

391. You left handed or right handed, John?

392. Right handed.

393. Put your hand right in there, please. Yeah.

394. Perfect, there we go. Well, it's all yours. Good luck.

395. Oh, no.

396. And now I'll open the task?

397. Yes, please, yeah.

398. Fuck. Guys, here we go.

399. Am I meant to read it with these on?

400. Yeah, I can give you a hand if you want. Yeah, that'll be fab.

401. That's fantastic. Just lower that down for me.

402. Would you just do that last bit now? Oh, sure, yeah.

403. It's quite easy, you just pop it open.

404. Can I take them off?

405. Before the task, yeah, if you want. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

406. "Put five grapes in the little bowl."

407. "You've got five minutes."

408. "You must wear the flippers as gloves for the entire five minutes."

409. "The most flour still on the plate after five minutes wins."

410. "Your time starts now."

411. Come on, let's crack on. Yeah, it's an old sort of grandmother's game.

412. We used to play this with my gran,

413. but instead of flour, she used butter,

414. instead of grapes, wasps,

415. and instead of flippers, we had to use our eyelids.

416. And were gonna start with some good old-fashioned S&M,

417. it's Sarah and Munya. Here we go.

418. Nothing around. Nothing under the table.

419. Aha! Cos the thing is you want me to dig into the flour.

420. I can see there's a little grape holder underneath.

421. It's a messy one though, yay.

422. HE STRAINS

423. Oh, there's no grapes in there. Crap.

424. No grapes in the grape holder?

425. Argh!

426. What happens if I drop one of the grapes on the floor? Nothing?

427. All the information on the task. It's covered in flour now, love.

428. OK, right, right, right.

429. I'm just gonna get all the flour off. Different tactic.

430. I can't tell you if this is the worst idea you've ever seen

431. or if I'm actually a genius.

432. Right, now, one grape.

433. This is how I cook. Like that.

434. One grape. Two. Boom.

435. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Two grapes.

436. Thanks. Three grapes.

437. Do you know what I've just realised?

438. Cos most flour wins, isn't it?

439. There's another little bugger. Here he is hello. Hello.

440. Five grapes.

441. Right, so now all I need to do is get all the flour back on the plate.

442. Where is the plate?

443. Here.

444. Uh, do I have to do anything else?

445. I'm gonna pour the table over it. Great.

446. Argh!

447. Uh, flour...

448. 45 seconds.

449. Yes!

450. "Most flour left..." Oh, no!

451. WHISTLE BLOWS Yes!

452. Should have read that,

453. shouldn't have covered it in flour. Thanks, Alex.

454. Pleasure. Five nice grapes. You can leave whenever you like.

455. You can leave the garage now. All right.

456. Also push or pull.

457. Ow!

458. Oh, look at all these grapes. Oh...

459. Oh, damn it!

460. Fucked that one up.

461. Bye!

462. I didn't see them at all! I couldn't believe that!

463. Yeah, so it was "get five grapes in the bowl",

464. but it's measuring the amount of flour

465. that's still on the plate afterwards,

466. and Munya had 2,514 grams,

467. Sarah just 900g of flour. Who's next?

468. Next up it's Fern time and it's Kearn time.

469. Are they hidden in the ceiling?

470. Is there grapes behind me or something?

471. Just gotta go like that, then pan for grapes.

472. Hold on they're not... they're not like...

473. They could be...

474. Yeah, all right.

475. They could have been under there.

476. Well, hang on, just gotta...

477. DING!

478. Well done.

479. Huge regrets.

480. DING! One grape.

481. Yes. This is like doing surgery, isn't it?

482. A lot of surgeons are alcoholics,

483. so it probably feels like they have big hands

484. on an especially pissed day.

485. DING! Two grapes.

486. Mm-hm. Doing it on an old person cos they're very dry and desiccated.

487. So their bodies are just like flour.

488. DING!

489. You've got one minute, 45 left now.

490. Come on, we've gotta save this old person.

491. DING!

492. DING! Fucking hell.

493. You're still one grape short.

494. Oh, trying to find it.

495. I can put flour back on the plate, can't I?

496. OK. That's the idea.

497. Ten seconds.

498. No!

499. WHISTLE BLOWS Time's up.

500. I need a bit of moisture.

501. I'm too tired to keep going.

502. WHISTLE BLOWS

503. She's gone.

504. I did everything I could, though.

505. Let me out.

506. Oh.

507. Some interesting statistics about the medical community, Fern.

508. Oh, aye. Oh, aye? Yeah.

509. Cos sometimes if a task felt boring,

510. I had to pretend I was helping a person or an animal

511. to get through it.

512. This one made sense to pretend I was operating on an old person.

513. And to be fully emotionally engaged with their death as well.

514. Their poor desiccated skin falling away.

515. John, I hate to repeat the questions I ask you,

516. but... are you not wanting to win any of these?

517. I just...

518. Yeah, but...

519. Yeah, what that picture doesn't show is that

520. I've got flippers for fucking hands!

521. He did pretty well.

522. He got nearly 2kg of flour on the plate at the end.

523. Twice as much as Sarah.

524. Oh, I do apologise, John.

525. That's quite enough for now.

526. A welcome chance for us all to have a quick stop

527. and a plop. One wet, one dry, fresh as a daisy for part three.

528. See you soon!

529. Hello, again and welcome back to Taskmaster.

530. Can you give me an update, please, Alex? Yes, Greg.

531. The cast were wearing flippers on their hands whilst trying

532. to find five grapes and pop them into a little bowl.

533. The most flour on the plate at the end wins,

534. one person left to see, and it's Dara O Briain.

535. If there's some sense of where they were,

536. that would be a help.

537. Is there any way in which I can do this in

538. a way which is salvageable? Um...

539. Oh, no!

540. Argh...

541. Oh, it's on a cup. Oh, that's not nice.

542. OK. Hang on let me just do this, right?

543. Back.

544. CUP SHATTERS

545. Somewhere within this, there is still grapes.

546. Are there grapes? Would somebody lie about the grapes?

547. Oh, that would be the worst thing in the world!

548. Oh!

549. "Put five grapes in the little bowl. You have five minutes."

550. Can I go to the kitchen, please?

551. OK.

552. Ah, that's also mean!

553. Oh!

554. Grapes, grapes, grapes, grapes, grapes, grapes...

555. Grapes!

556. 30 seconds. Well, it doesn't say exactly five grapes.

557. Be nice. Though, wouldn't it? It would be.

558. Ten seconds.

559. Five grapes and flour - done.

560. WHISTLE BLOWS

561. I went on such a journey during that.

562. He was trying to work it out,

563. and then from the arrogant flick of the egg cup onto

564. the floor onwards, he became a super villain.

565. He actually went...

566. ..at one point cos he'd worked it out. Brilliant.

567. I don't know how he didn't notice the grapes which were this far from his eyes.

568. He was too busy laughing into the night sky.

569. Scoring wise, Fern didn't get five grapes, so does she get any points?

570. Oh. She was so tired.

571. Well, she was in there for five minutes. Oh.

572. Is that all I did? Oh, no.

573. She didn't fulfil the task, she can't have any points.

574. OK. So it's zero to Fern.

575. Sarah came fourth, so gets two points.

576. John is third, so you get three points.

577. I can tell you Munya - 2,514 grams.

578. Dara - 2,903 grams. Wow.

579. So Dara gets the five points. Very impressive.

580. One more, I think.

581. Yes, and this one involves something you've broken

582. a lot of, Greg - running machines.

583. Cos... cos... Let's go.

584. What? No. What the f...?

585. Hello, Fern. Hiya.

586. Got your buckets? Yeah.

587. You look nice. Oh, thanks, yeah.

588. OK. Get ready to receive the task.

589. Whoo!

590. Argh!

591. You hit me.

592. Are you acting?

593. "Sort the ducks and socks."

594. "Ducks go in the front bucket." Obviously.

595. "Socks go in the back bucket."

596. Ducks, socks, ducks, socks.

597. "All ducks and socks must travel along both treadmills,

598. "then fall directly into the correct bucket."

599. "If a duck or sock lands on the floor, you may not retrieve it."

600. I'm not sure I could get down with these on.

601. "Most ducks and socks in correct bucket wins."

602. QUACKING

603. "There is a pair of bonus points..."

604. Ooh, proper points.

605. ".. for the most correctly paired socks."

606. "You have 15 minutes."

607. "Your time starts now." Duck, socks.

608. It's a bog-standard game of double bucket duck and sock.

609. Yes, it is. I propose that we just get going.

610. Well, first we're gonna see the self-proclaimed task mistress

611. Fern Brady and the self-proclaimed John Kearns.

612. John Kearns, here we go.

613. Where are the ducks and socks?

614. Not far off.

615. Right. So you gotta run around?

616. Well, like I think so, yeah.

617. Well...

618. Oh, there's a duck. Does this count?

619. Yeah, I guess so.

620. One.

621. And...

622. Wow!

623. Ducks in the front.

624. Jeez!

625. Ah, yes, that's a pair.

626. POP!

627. Well, what dropped then?

628. POP! Did you hear that? Yeah.

629. Well, what dropped?

630. POP!

631. What the fuck's in that?

632. POPPING

633. You...

634. They're not hidden.

635. But they are, though. Well...

636. Are they in the bath?

637. Oh, no!

638. There's a duck in the sock!

639. How small's he?

640. You can't buy them that small. Right.

641. Come on.

642. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

643. I'm not bad at this, that's the thing.

644. Hmm.

645. Oh, hang on. Can I slow it down?

646. BEEPING Here we go.

647. Three and a half minutes left, John.

648. Oh, they all died.

649. Would you like to see me get a sock and a duck, one-two?

650. I would love that.

651. Crack on with it.

652. You absolute wanker!

653. SHE MUMBLES

654. Oh, no!

655. WHISTLE BLOWS

656. There's only socks in that one. Yes.

657. And there's only socks in that one.

658. There is a duck in that one. There's gotta be.

659. Oh, one duck, one duck.

660. I wrote some quotes down that you said during your attempt.

661. "What the fuck is that?"

662. "Did you hear that? Well, what dropped?"

663. "You can't even buy them that small."

664. Yeah, but you can't buy them that small.

665. I bought my son one a month ago.

666. But did you try and get a really small one?

667. Did you do extensive research into the smallest duck you can buy?

668. There was only one size of duck.

669. I don't know what the fuck they were.

670. I'd have looked mad if I'd gone up to the pharmacist and gone,

671. "Sorry, do you have..." Pharmacist? Pharmacist?

672. Where are you buying your ducks? At the pharmacy.

673. Why are you buying ducks at a pharmacy?

674. Well, where else do you buy 'em?

675. At least John found the ducks very quickly,

676. whereas Fern thought we'd hidden the ducks and the socks,

677. and she put a crown on and said she was the mother of the ducks.

678. Yeah. I did create a narrative where I was

679. the mother of the ducks, saving them.

680. And some of them died.

681. Some of them died, yes, but most of them were rescued.

682. Yeah, she did rescue 44 ducks in her duck bucket... OK.

683. .. and 13 socks, so she had a total of 57 things in her buckets.

684. Wow. John - nine socks, one duck, no pairs.

685. OK, two more duck and sock sorters now. It's Munya and Sarah.

686. Are they all in here?

687. Right, start with the ducks.

688. Oh, no, you put them inside.

689. The ducks inside the socks!

690. Oh, this is gonna take ages.

691. AUDIENCE OHS

692. You caught them. Waah!

693. Right, we're gonna move on to socks now. Great.

694. Hold on.

695. I can't see me pockets because of me tits. Sorry.

696. You can't see your pockets because... Yeah.

697. What the hell? I didn't get any in.

698. "If they fall on the floor, then you're not allowed to pick 'em up."

699. Correct. Oh, well...

700. One at a time is better.

701. Quick!

702. How many did I get? One.

703. Well, the jokes on you because I get to go again.

704. BIRDS HONK

705. How long have I got left, please? You haven't got long. Two and a half minutes.

706. I didn't ask for an opinion. I just asked for a time.

707. Right. So no more opinions.

708. Sock one, sock one.

709. This is how we used to make footballs in Zimbabwe.

710. WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, no.

711. How long?

712. Eight, seven, six, five, four, three...

713. WHISTLE BLOWS

714. Did I do it?

715. I mean, if I'm honest, I don't know what I thought

716. cos all I can hear is,

717. "I can't see my pockets because of my tits."

718. It happens more often than you'd think.

719. Well, I've got a similar problem.

720. The Zimbabwe sock football was a colossal failure.

721. Well, it did lead to a disaster of many ducks falling out

722. as he fell in.

723. So I should have been good at that task, cos when I was a kid, I used

724. to practise balancing in the bath by covering it in Vaseline.

725. So...

726. Hang on, hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

727. So you cover the bath in Vaseline

728. and then you see how long you can stand up for.

729. It's a game.

730. So what, you've never played games in the bath?

731. Yeah, I played games.

732. Like what kind?

733. I don't know.

734. That's not a game what you're thinking of.

735. Go on tell me. It's not a game.

736. See if you can use elastic bands to make it look like a submarine.

737. Right. Thank God it's break time.

738. When we come back, someone edges closer

739. to winning Munya's dead plant and Dara's dead knee.

740. See you soon.

741. Hello, welcome back to the final part of tonight's show.

742. Yes, it's been a great night

743. and I really think that's down to you,

744. Sarah, Munya, Dara and Fern being on top form.

745. Before the break

746. the comics were busy sorting out ducks and socks,

747. but there's still one person left to see.

748. So here we go, it's the host of Sock the Beak its Dara O Briain.

749. Thank you, everyone.

750. Whey! Now all through the keys, you pair up the socks

751. before you send them down.

752. Oh, this is not the fun bit. Oh, I want the fun bit.

753. Oh, here we go, here we go.

754. Can we put the bag of ducks down? A bag for ducks.

755. Can I get a bag, please?

756. So, now I'm gonna gamble with this.

757. This goes wrong, this is calamitous.

758. Oh, legend! They're in plastic bags.

759. Wow, are they all paired?

760. They're all paired. This is a big moment.

761. There's only one way to do this.

762. Oh!

763. You made two or three references to just wanting to get on

764. with the fun bit.

765. The kneeling on the ground, taking ducks from socks, that's not fun.

766. That's not fun at all. That's a non-fun thing.

767. Watching the ducks go on two treadmills, I could have done that all day.

768. Hit me with some numbers.

769. Well, obviously John in last place with one point,

770. Fern got a total of 57, Sarah 58,

771. so she's in third place.

772. Munya got 37 socks compared to Dara's 28,

773. but the ducks fell out, so he only ended up

774. with 29 ducks compared to Dara's 63 ducks.

775. What's more, Dara was the only person who paired more than two socks.

776. He paired a total of 28 socks, 14 pairs.

777. So he gets two bonus points as well.

778. So that's seven points in total to Dara O Briain. It's amazing.

779. Yeah.

780. OK it's time for you all to head to the stage for

781. the final task of the show!

782. Raise the curtain.

783. Ooh!

784. Alex, who's going to read the task out?

785. Sarah Millican is going to read the task out.

786. Commence.

787. Make the taskmaster say your words.

788. Each team will ask one question at a time

789. and each question must be made up of exactly six words.

790. Also each team member must take it in turns

791. to say two words of each question.

792. First to make the taskmaster say your word wins.

793. Dara, which of these would you like to be your first word?

794. This one? If you take that one, please. Thank you.

795. You can show it to your team and you can show it to the audience.

796. So that one is for this team.

797. Sarah, you're gonna go first. Thank you.

798. You cannot talk tactics with your team mates at all,

799. but it is a team task.

800. OK, so we're gonna start with a team of three.

801. Dara will commence the question. Here we go. Good luck.

802. What wriggles...

803. ..in Greg's...

804. John to complete the question.

805. .. muddy garden?

806. What wriggles in Greg's muddy garden?

807. Worm.

808. Very good.

809. So, to stop this team winning round one, you need to get it in one.

810. Good luck.

811. What breakfast...

812. ..is long...

813. .. and meaty?

814. Sausage.

815. OK. So round one is a tie. We move to round two.

816. We're gonna go slightly harder words.

817. Here we go, so this time let's start with the team of two.

818. Munya, you're gonna kick off the question.

819. Can you...

820. No, no, no more words.

821. .. lessen erection...

822. Please finish off the question, Munya.

823. .. until it's?

824. Right, well, that's the end of the question.

825. Greg the question is, can you lessen erection until its?

826. Soft.

827. Not right. Your turn, team of three.

828. How would...

829. ..you describe...

830. .. enormous hugeness?

831. Massive.

832. Absolutely brilliant!

833. So, the team of three win round two.

834. It's currently 2-1. Good luck, everyone.

835. John, you're gonna start the question this time.

836. I wish...

837. .. not to...

838. "I wish not to..."?

839. Yeah, somehow turn this into a question, please, Dara,

840. and also make it relevant to the word somehow.

841. .. ascend vertically?

842. So the question is...

843. ..I wish not to ascend vertically?

844. Descend.

845. It's, weirdly, not right.

846. So, it's Sarah to start.

847. What trousers...

848. ..do farmers...

849. .. wear now?

850. Well, it's either, just to tee it up,

851. it's either dungarees or overall.

852. But what do they wear NOW?

853. That's what's, that's what's thrown me.

854. Overall.

855. You've gone for overall, it's not right.

856. So, it's the team of three again.

857. Which aircraft...

858. .. crashes more...

859. John, would you mind finishing off the question?

860. It's easy.

861. .. into mountains?

862. Helicopter.

863. So, this is to draw this round.

864. Not overalls...

865. ..so it...

866. .. must be...

867. Dungarees.

868. So, the team of three win three, the team of two win two.

869. Marvellous. Let's put that to the final scores.

870. Come down and join me.

871. Easy one to score.

872. The team of three got three points, the team of two got two points. You happy with that?

873. Yes, please. That's nice and easy. But it does mean the final scores...

874. It's a clean sweep, a huge 30 points in one episode,

875. and that's, of course, Mr Dara O Briain. There it is.

876. Dara wins.

877. Please go and gather your things never to be thrown away.

878. So what have we learnt today?

879. We've learnt that people come in different shapes and sizes.

880. But not ducks. No. Ducks come in one size and one size only.

881. And if you've got an issue with that fact, you'd better speak to this guy.

882. Bye-bye, everyone.

883. You can go now, but don't forget who won tonight. It was Dara O Briain.