Taskmaster 14x10

1. This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

2. Shut up!

3. Oh, be care... Oh.

4. Hello!

5. Hello! Here we go, then.

6. Welcome to the Series 14 Taskmaster grand final!

7. I'm Greg Davies, and right now, I'm so high on adrenaline

8. I could jump over a car!

9. What a series we've had, what a cast, what memories.

10. In many ways, I'm sad to see them go.

11. But if this being over means there's half a chance that

12. I'll stop singing

13. in my head all day, every day,

14. then good riddance to all of them!

15. Very soon, one of them will lift aloft this golden effigy

16. of my delicious head, and become Taskmaster champion -

17. and realise in that moment that, like the trophy they hold,

18. the victory is truly hollow.

19. So, let us meet the legends for the last time.

20. Please welcome Dara O Briain...

21. .. Fern Brady...

22. .. John Kearns...

23. .. Munya Chawawa...

24. .. and Sarah Millican!

25. And next to me, a man I'm proud to call my best friend...

26. .. if all my other friends go down in an awful maritime disaster.

27. I include peripheral friends, like friends of friends, even.

28. "What, perished? All gone? Who's left?"

29. It's my best friend...

30. .. little Alex Horne!

31. Thank you, Greg.

32. Prize task time, you fleshy little giblet. Hm.

33. Nice one, you big manatee in a suit, or something.

34. It's the last prize task of the series, and you've asked them

35. to bring in the thing of yours that the Taskmaster

36. would most like to own. Hm.

37. Oh, so very personal choice for me.

38. It is. The person that has brought in the thing that Greg would most

39. like to own will get five big points to kick off their final and,

40. at the end of the episode, the winner will probably have

41. to hand over all the things to Greg, cos he'll want to own them -

42. and let's face it, who's going to argue with this thing?

43. Hi, Sarah, what have you brought in that you think I might like to own?

44. Erm, so, I was thinking about you, er,

45. and thinking about what you have, and what you may lack,

46. er, in, in your life.

47. Er, so I think you have power.

48. You have money.

49. But what you don't have that I do have is likability.

50. What?

51. I've brought in, er, a book to represent it.

52. The Science of Likability.

53. Do you think, in my role as the Taskmaster, likability would help?

54. No, but maybe in your personal life. Ahh.

55. It's like she wants to lose.

56. Hi, Fern. Hello!

57. I've brought you magical tarot cards.

58. Here are the tarot cards.

59. So, this wasn't even what I was going to bring in.

60. I was going to bring you in this spray that turns

61. your hair brown. Then I didn't.

62. I mean, so far, it's been a very unsettling round.

63. And then, I did a reading.

64. You're not going to believe what came up in the reading.

65. And I didn't make this up.

66. The first picture - five people battling it out with sticks.

67. That's us.

68. The middle one - that card means child-like joy

69. and a sense of freedom.

70. The final card, I mean, do I even need to say anything?

71. Who do you think that is in the final card?

72. What, the disgusting, big, fat demon on top of the box?

73. Greg, I'm not making it up, this came up when I did a reading

74. asking about Taskmaster. Yes, Fern I just don't know what

75. the significance of it is!

76. Munya? I have brought in a mould of my face.

77. OK. Er, no, no, no...

78. Yeah, no, I don't think I need to hear much more, Munya.

79. I mean, good luck, Munya.

80. So, Munya means "comforter," OK, in Shona,

81. which is a Zimbabwean language, so you wear this round your neck,

82. feel instantly calmer.

83. I'm sorry, I'm wearing that round my neck?

84. Er, Munya I don't want it.

85. Dara. Your loss.

86. Can you beat any of those?

87. Oh, God, I'd like to hope so.

88. Er, cos I've brought you what I think is the coolest thing

89. I have in my name, to offer to you,

90. and it is an actual asteroid.

91. Ooh.

92. Now I'm interested. Yeah.

93. It's called "4901 O Briain,"

94. and it orbits outside of Mars, but before Jupiter -

95. and it's on the NASA register of names of asteroids.

96. And to represent it, I've brought in meteorite cufflinks.

97. So, that is real meteorite? That's real meteorite, yeah.

98. Oh, that is quite good. Yeah?

99. But the danger with having an asteroid is that it could get

100. bounced out of its orbit, come into our orbit,

101. and kill us all. That's just, like, the vague downside.

102. But, man the press in the build-up to that would be amazing. Er...

103. And if you had your Munya necklace on, you wouldn't feel any panic.

104. I'd feel a different kind of panic.

105. Imagine if you were likeable at the time.

106. People wouldn't mind dying.

107. If you had your tarot cards, you would know it was coming.

108. You haven't seen mine yet.

109. Dara, are you prepared to lobby the scientists have

110. the name of the asteroid changed?

111. Yes, I am. I'm totally going to do that.

112. I'm totally going to do that, yeah. Maybe I do like it.

113. Er, John? Do you own a fridge?

114. I'm not being arrogant.

115. I have three fridges.

116. What magnets have you got?

117. That's a good question.

118. Go on, John, I haven't got any fridge magnets.

119. Oh!

120. I've brought in, er, a fridge magnet

121. of Jet, from Gladiators.

122. Yes, he has. Here's Jet... Oh, now. ..in a fridge magnet. Hang on.

123. Now...

124. .. that is very clever, actually, John.

125. Like all men of a certain age...

126. ..I am a big fan of Jet. If you're watching, all the best.

127. It's a low-scoring round for me.

128. I'm perfectly likeable, I don't want that mask, that's nonsense -

129. one point for those three people.

130. Right, so it's one point to Sarah, one point to Munya,

131. one point to Fern. Correct.

132. Dara, two points. Ooh!

133. Because I don't want those cufflinks, but I like the idea.

134. And three points... Oh.

135. Well, I'm not going to give him five points

136. for a fridge magnet, am I?

137. John Kearns sort of wins, with three points. There it is!

138. Right! We are off, what's first?

139. Well, we're going to travel back in time to a task we gave them on

140. their very first day in the house.

141. Hello, John. The man himself.

142. This is nice. Thank you.

143. Where's my...?

144. Ha-ha.

145. No. Here it is, though.

146. What, why am I... what am I looking for here?

147. I know you've hidden a message in here somewhere.

148. "Look at the front of the table."

149. What's the task, Alex? I don't know.

150. Do you have any favourite dates? Oh, my birthday!

151. Yes! God, all that just for that little thing.

152. That's a really long pay-off, Alex, I will say that.

153. "Order three things for your final task."

154. "You may spend up to £50."

155. "You have five minutes, your t..."

156. What, what, what?

157. "Your time" - we're not going to say that bit yet.

158. "Your time starts now."

159. The thing is, can order something that could be completely useless.

160. Yeah, so don't order that.

161. I need, like, a...

162. I need a Swiss army knife.

163. Scissors, please. Pens.

164. Er, ooh, er, ee... shit!

165. Er...!

166. Some sort of taxidermy.

167. OK. Not a teddy, like, an animal that used to be alive

168. and now, it's...

169. .. that.

170. A double cheeseburger.

171. A big bag of potatoes.

172. Chocolate. What size of chocolate?

173. I don't know what the special - like, A4, is that...?

174. I mean, £50'd cover how much labour, I mean, cheap labour?

175. You want me to rent a person?

176. Do you mind giving me a rough description of them?

177. You know, nice, somebody nice.

178. I want roller blades.

179. No, no, no, no, I want moon shoes.

180. A mirror.

181. So, a pint of Irish cider.

182. Or maybe just get two pints, then we have a pint each.

183. That'd be lovely! Why don't we do that?

184. I know that you're going to try and make me wet somehow,

185. and the thing about me is my skin, as a Brown man,

186. gets dry very quickly.

187. So, I'm willing to do that for you, Alex,

188. but I'll need some Vaseline on there.

189. Er, get me... 25 seconds.

190. Get me a baseball cap!

191. Genie, genie, three wishes! Oh, no, no, er, Aladdin,

192. a lamp, a lamp, a lamp, magic lamp!

193. OK.

194. I think it's quite a terrifying, er, look into all of your minds.

195. I don't even know what moon shoes are, what are moon shoes?

196. Er, moon shoes is a shoe with a trampoline on it.

197. Oh, yeah. Quite a small trampoline, worth saying.

198. Not a full-size trampoline.

199. OK, shall we move on?

200. It was the first thing they did in the series,

201. and it will be the last thing they do in the series, too,

202. so keep that in the back of your minds, but for now,

203. let's lock them all in the caravan!

204. Oh, hello.

205. Hello, Fern.

206. Hello!

207. You're going in my caravan, I'm staying outside my caravan.

208. Oh. I know.

209. It doesn't make either of us happy. No!

210. That's... a safety measure.

211. OK. Probably wise. You CAN run with them.

212. I actually still think you can't, just as a general message, no,

213. don't run with that.

214. "Don't run with them." Shall I...? Yes, please.

215. "Eat the grape."

216. "Eat the grape." Erm...

217. "You must not damage the caravan or climb out the window."

218. "Fastest wins."

219. "Your time starts now."

220. "Your time starts now."

221. "Your time starts now."

222. Now.

223. Where is the grape?

224. Er...

225. Shut up, shut up!

226. Oh, there's grapes over there!

227. Oh, yeah. You could go and eat one of them.

228. But how?

229. "Eat the grape" - that's it, innit? It's "eat the grape." Yeah.

230. It's an escape room with grapes - or an "es-grape" room.

231. First two we're going to see are - say your names, please.

232. John. And...

233. Munya.

234. Wh-Where is the grape?

235. OK, so I'm not allowed to climb out the window.

236. No, thank you. But I can walk out the door.

237. You can try.

238. Oh, you've locked it, haven't you? You horrible man.

239. You found a grape? Er, no.

240. I've got a chest. Yes.

241. That's one locked, as well. So, I need two keys.

242. Oh, yeah scissors.

243. Argh! Why are you being so annoying?

244. It's sort of my job.

245. Right, I need keys, I need keys.

246. What, have you locked that? Yeah, well, no, but...

247. Oh, ah, sorry.

248. Did you just sigh?

249. Like it's my problem.

250. Yes. Rocky, rock-key!

251. Scissors, scissors.

252. Boom. Ah!

253. Too weak?

254. Regret calling me weak.

255. Right, we're in!

256. "Score 50 for a prize."

257. You good at darts? Not vertically, but...

258. Double-20.

259. 12.

260. Are we playing English darts, or Zimbabwean darts?

261. Let's put Zimbabwean darts on the map and play my way, yeah?

262. All right.

263. Yes! 50, I'll go and get your prize.

264. Yes!

265. Oh, that's treble-18, you win a prize.

266. Yes, a claw!

267. Thank you, Alex.

268. They're not real.

269. "Alex Horne, grapes of wrath."

270. So I need to find a book.

271. Grapes of Wrath. Ah.

272. It's a key.

273. Fucking Christ.

274. Can of beans, chickpeas?

275. Some scissors. Not any old scissors.

276. I swear these are the things they cut piles out with, no?

277. No, well, sort of, they're grape scissors. Grape scissors, OK.

278. Chick, chick-key, chick-key.

279. Oh!

280. Yes! Yes!

281. Hello, Munya.

282. John, have you eaten a grape?

283. No.

284. What the hell? They're fake!

285. Is that - oh, yes!

286. I've stopped the clock. Mm!

287. Are they in there? Do you think it's mislabelled?

288. So, just tell me what you're hoping for? Grapes.

289. Fingers crossed.

290. Oh, it's, yeah.

291. "Eat the grape!" Where's the grape?

292. Is that like a ladder to something?

293. The TV aerial?

294. "Eat the grape."

295. Oh, fuck.

296. There's no way that was there earlier. No? No.

297. You're quite different men.

298. Munya is, sort of, alive with energy. Keen.

299. Like a newt. Oh, he's very much like a newt.

300. Solving problems and, you know, and if he doesn't manage

301. to solve them through logic,

302. he'll make something up like Zimbabwean darts.

303. Obviously absolute horseshit.

304. Yes, but the use of the string was clever, wasn't it?

305. Of course, very clever! You know, sometimes I don't know whether

306. he's the best ambassador for Zimbabwe, but...

307. John, did we just witness you looking for a grape

308. in a can of chickpeas?

309. Never trust a label on Taskmaster.

310. No, that's true. That's a very good point.

311. One quarter of the final is complete.

312. Rest your nerves a while,

313. and we'll see you soon for part two.

314. Have a poo. Look at his face, he needs a poo!

315. See you in a bit.

316. Hello!

317. Welcome back to the Taskmaster grand final!

318. Yes, the atmosphere is electric, Greg, and so is my toothbrush.

319. It just does a better job on all but one of my teeth.

320. The current task involves the five finalists stuck in the caravan

321. trying to work out how to eat a grape in the fastest time.

322. Next up, it's Fern and Sarah.

323. I've done these sorts of games before, and sometimes I just

324. chat with my friends... and don't bother doing them.

325. What if I gnaw through the string?

326. A swear jar - just got money in it. Or has it?

327. A swear jar.

328. Oh, buggeration! That would've been really good.

329. You've just said "buggeration" as well, so it'd be good... Sorry.

330. .. if you put another coin back in it.

331. Erm, do you know where the key is?

332. Yes, absolutely.

333. Where is it? What?

334. The key, where is the key? I can't tell you that.

335. Where do people sometimes hide?

336. Under the duck?

337. No.

338. Behind there, are you?

339. What about this baby's foot?

340. Just a baby's foot, I'm afraid.

341. In the sink?

342. Ah!

343. There is darts.

344. It's not like you haven't put it in my pocket, have you? No.

345. You're on 52, well done. Thank you.

346. Here's your prize.

347. They're not real grapes. Ah.

348. Erm... no.

349. Is there like a book with a secret compartment?

350. "Alex Horne's children's card?"

351. Yeah, that's my library ticket.

352. Oh, find the book.

353. Oy.

354. Oh, look I've found a key.

355. Er, it is - ooh, and there's a grape! Ohh.

356. Done. I've stopped the clock.

357. Ah, another key. Ah, good.

358. I've stopped the clock. Thanks.

359. You all right, John?

360. I'm opening chickpeas.

361. Yeah, slightly more straightforward here, wasn't it?

362. Erm, Alex said he felt that you didn't enjoy this very much, Sarah.

363. I don't really like escape rooms.

364. Usually I haven't seen the people I'm in the escape room with

365. for a while, so we just chat for a while, and then, they let us out.

366. I don't know what an escape room is.

367. Oh, it's one of them.

368. Oh, that - and people do that for fun? Yeah.

369. Right.

370. But they both found one of several secret grapes

371. that were hidden in the caravan.

372. Er, Sarah's the quickest so far, 6 minutes, 10.

373. Fern, 10.44. Munya, 11.05. John...

374. ..20 minutes, 20 seconds.

375. One more person to see. One more person. We know who.

376. Well, the last person to try and eat Mr Gilbert's grape is Dara O Briain.

377. I can't climb out the window, so I have to try to get into that.

378. Which means I must be trying to get a key for that.

379. Or a key for that.

380. Grapes of Wrath.

381. What have you found there?

382. Great, there's a key in the Grapes of Wrath. Ah.

383. Right, OK. Small blue key, small blue lock.

384. OK.

385. That's not that lock.

386. Oh, hang on.

387. Hi, Dara. Hiya.

388. There's a grape over there.

389. But they're inedible grapes. Ah.

390. That's not inedible.

391. Finished? I've eaten a grape.

392. Thanks, Dara. Bye-bye.

393. I don't understand. You didn't want to stop and open a can of chickpeas?

394. What happened? I mean, I felt like I've just witnessed

395. a Special Forces mission. Yeah.

396. I felt like he was in, he pulled my trousers down,

397. he's out - I'm like, "Who pulled my trousers down?"

398. Yeah, he just missed out a lot of it by sensing that

399. the books might be part of it, so he didn't need to do any of

400. the nonsense with the darts. Yeah. Just a very clever man.

401. Well, the book had the word "grapes" on the side, er...

402. Little clues, yeah.

403. So, timings-wise... Mm-hm. .. what does that mean?

404. Well, John, obviously the only person over 20 minutes -

405. he gets 1 point.

406. 2 points to Munya, with 11 minutes.

407. 3 to Fern, ten minutes, 44.

408. 4 to Sarah, with six minutes, ten.

409. But Dara wins - four minutes, 36, and 5 points!

410. Well done.

411. May I see a scoreboard please? Yes, well, the two people who

412. are leading the series are also leading the episode.

413. Sarah's on 5, Dara's on 7!

414. I can sense it might be time for our final team task.

415. I'm afraid it is, Greg. But on the plus side,

416. this one sees the teams doing a spot of modelling.

417. Hello. Hello. Oh-ho, no!

418. Oh, wow.

419. Hi, John. Oh, hello, Fern.

420. And Dara. Oh, Alex.

421. The team of three.

422. "Sculpt your team."

423. "Best sculpture wins."

424. "Only one person may look at the clay,

425. "and that person may not touch the clay."

426. "You have a maximum of 15 minutes.

427. "Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle."

428. It's like a Lionel Ritchie thing, innit? Basically?

429. He comes up with a lot of the tasks.

430. Who's going to give the instructions?

431. And who's good at doing?

432. Is it the brain, or is it the hands that makes the artist?

433. Well, now we do a whole debate.

434. You're going to get my tits on your shoulders.

435. We're going to reveal the clay.

436. He's revealing the clay. There'll be some twist in the clay.

437. Yeah, yeah. It's not just going to be clay, is it?

438. Is it clay? Yeah, it's just clay.

439. Is this clay? Jesus Christ.

440. Stop, stop, stop. Er, just don't touch anything.

441. I'm looking at about 20 balls, and they're all different colours.

442. Oh. Ooh.

443. Yeah, like, all, you know, different colours.

444. There you go that's Navy blue, is that Navy blue?

445. No, no, it is... OK. .. from this angle.

446. If you pick up that ball, please. This one here? I reckon that's you.

447. That's your head, yeah.

448. Oh, OK, well, that's done.

449. Squeeze it into a sausage.

450. Bang. Already it looks like us.

451. Fern, do you have green hair?

452. What do you mean, do I have green hair? You've been with me all day!

453. What colour's your hair? Sort of, balayage.

454. What the frick, balayage?

455. Right, so this is your hair.

456. You want me to start making hair? Yeah. Yeah, your hair.

457. There you go, that's your balay-bun. This one?

458. Yeah. What colour is that? That's balay, that's bal...

459. Balayage. Balayage.

460. Is this the top of the head here, then? Where my thumb is?

461. You know where you've put the other one? Yeah.

462. You put the other one where eyes go.

463. Cor, this is tough!

464. Get that black little dribble off your finger.

465. I don't know what I've got on my finger.

466. I can't see anything! Shake your hands.

467. What colour are your eyes, Dara?

468. They're blue. Is that Sinatra blue?

469. Oh, shut up.

470. Grab your face. On the left, on the left. Down, down, down.

471. I don't know what that is. That's not me.

472. You know what, you took great care with you. OK.

473. Put that down! I've got an eye for you.

474. I've got an eye for you. No! Shit!

475. Lean it forwards, bang. How we doing?

476. Yeah, we're done, we're done. Ta-da!

477. Down, down. There's one there, yeah, just put it wherever.

478. OK. Well, that's you, me, and...

479. Dara. Dara, yeah.

480. If there was ever a short conversation that summed up

481. the dynamic within a group, it's John saying,

482. "What colour are your eyes? Is that Sinatra blue?"

483. And Dara goes, "Shut up."

484. I have to say, I think the team of three are a bit of

485. a disadvantage here.

486. No, it's fair. Oh. Oh.

487. You seemed to be quite efficient.

488. We're quite a good team, weren't we?

489. Yeah. I mean, I think we could've been faster,

490. because we were picking stuff, and then, you was throwing out

491. these balay-wagwan colours and whatnot, and I was thinking,

492. "what on earth is this?"

493. Well, you could've just looked with your eyes at me hair.

494. OK, yeah, that's true.

495. Right, this part is over. Run along now, but do come back.

496. Hello! Welcome back to part three of our final.

497. Before the break, we saw the teams

498. try their hand at sculpting.

499. Yes, the teams are sculpting,

500. but the hands are being controlled by different heads.

501. It's time to see the fruits of their labour.

502. So, here's what Sarah modelled through Munya's eyes.

503. It's a team of two.

504. It's not bad.

505. But the first thing I want to know is... why is Munya so sad?

506. Presumably you've just been knocked out of a Zimbabwe darts final.

507. "Oh, no!"

508. Sarah, they've captured your scowl.

509. Well, do you want to compare that to something? Oh, here we go.

510. Here's what John directed Dara and Fern to create.

511. Do you know who's who?

512. I know... I know who Dara is!

513. Is that because it's Sinatra blue, is it?

514. I mean John is - it's very accurate if the real John

515. had run into a wall beforehand.

516. But didn't we get the same amount of time as them? Yes.

517. And we just had to do John at the end. Yeah.

518. Oh, no way, John's rushed, is he?

519. Dara famously has no eyebrows,

520. whereas you just have the one big...

521. You've got to score them, Greg, so here they are, all five of them.

522. So, the team of two get 5 points straight away.

523. The team of two get 5 points each! Well done.

524. Now, though, sort of see Fern in there somewhere.

525. If I'm looking at it as a work of art, it's 2 points.

526. But I do think there's a disadvantage to having two hands.

527. So, it's whether we give them an extra one to be nice.

528. Well, you're a very likeable guy.

529. All right, 3 points for the team of three.

530. 3 points for the team of three!

531. Right! Here we go, then, what's the final task, Alex?

532. Well, a long time ago, they all chose three items

533. for this final task.

534. So, let's see what they're for.

535. Hey, champ how are you? How's it going?

536. Yeah. Where are you from?

537. Kerry, originally. Oh, really? Yeah.

538. Oh, good man yourself, yeah. Very good.

539. Hey, look who it is.

540. It's Munya. Yes.

541. Welcome to your final task.

542. Ah!

543. You remember the items.

544. Yeah, I remember these items.

545. Hello, Fern. Hiya.

546. Do you remember these things?

547. Wait, did I meet these potatoes before?

548. Oh, yeah! What the hell?

549. Did I order Vaseline? Oh... God.

550. Oh, it's just loose, just on the top!

551. Oh, I'm not allowed to eat it, am I? Oh.

552. "Throw one of your objects over the caravan."

553. From here? No, from anywhere, like, OK.

554. "Then put the covered item on the wooden barrel

555. "without touching that item with your hands."

556. Wooden barrel. There.

557. "Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

558. Oh! Did I ask for these potatoes?

559. Did I ask for these pens?

560. Oh-ho, hello!

561. They've found out what their objects are for. Yeah.

562. I want you to know, I will be very disappointed if Munya doesn't

563. attempt to bounce over the caravan with those shoes on.

564. OK, first, let's see how Munya and John fared with their items.

565. So, I'm just going to launch this. OK.

566. Ahh!

567. Oh!

568. Right, boom.

569. Right.

570. "Cover one of your items with one of your other items."

571. I'm going to put that in there.

572. When? When.

573. So you just want me to lube up a penknife, then?

574. Yeah, and once it's lubed, you can't touch it with your hands.

575. Yeah, well, I've heard that before.

576. I'll tell you what I'll do for you. Boom.

577. Complete immersion.

578. So, now I have to get it hi... put it on the barrel?

579. And I can use my teeth? OK.

580. I'm like Paddington Bear.

581. But instead of a marmalade sandwich, it's a burger.

582. Yes! I've stopped the clock.

583. Munya was absolute textbook, wasn't he? Oh, yeah.

584. It wasn't what we were expecting him to do, but, yeah.

585. He stuck a knife in Vaseline, then he took it over with his mouth.

586. With his mouth. Tick.

587. I mean, he could've held that with his hands.

588. It was only the knife that he couldn't touch. Oh!

589. Now, John, a little more complicated.

590. Didn't touch the object, and he did cover it,

591. and he managed to get it over to the barrel. Yes.

592. But... However. .. he consumed some of the object,

593. because he's a greedy little boy.

594. So, you're saying some of the burger was under the cap,

595. but the burger in his digestional tract didn't ever get on the barrel?

596. Er, yeah, of course that's what I'm saying.

597. John just gobbled some of the thing that he was supposed

598. to get on top of a barrel. He gobbled it. Right.

599. Yeah, I did.

600. Do you want to see some more people? Yeah.

601. OK, it's now time for Sarah and Dara,

602. and the bloke dressed like Dara.

603. "Fastest wins, your time starts now."

604. "Your time starts now." Excuse me for a second.

605. Be careful.

606. Right, you can move.

607. To the barrel. Lovely.

608. Now, is that completely covered?

609. Oh... so demanding.

610. Can you hide that... inside yourself, in some way?

611. Without touching the item with your hands.

612. I haven't touched you at all.

613. I can confirm he hasn't touched me. Yeah, absolutely right.

614. Done! I've stopped the clock.

615. Done!

616. You think I won't eat that.

617. Bye-bye. Bye.

618. Both incredibly efficient... Hm.

619. .. basically. I didn't doubt for a second you'd eat the chocolate,

620. by the way, I would've, too. I did ask if the task had finished.

621. Alex said "yes," and then, I pocketed some of the chocolate.

622. Correct, it's correct behaviour. Can I ask a question, though?

623. So, I know my scissors landed on top of the caravan? Yeah.

624. Did all - every single drop of Dara's pint definitely go over

625. the top of the caravan?

626. Or was some of it maybe on top of the caravan?

627. Feels.

628. This sort of thing sometimes happens at this stage of the series.

629. I do think that if I went the other side of that caravan and picked up

630. that glass, and found cider in it, I'd say, "Someone's attempted

631. "to throw a pint of cider over this caravan."

632. But if I saw your scissors, I'd go,

633. "Those scissors have not successfully been thrown

634. "over this caravan."

635. To be honest, I knew there was people behind the caravan,

636. and I was scared about maiming somebody.

637. Well, if you want to be the best, you've got to risk maiming people.

638. Right! Break time.

639. And there's only one part left in this series.

640. It's been good, hasn't it, mate?

641. It's been great.

642. You've been great.

643. We've been great.

644. We'll see you soon for the final part of the series.

645. Hello!

646. Yes, hello for the last time this series.

647. We're mere minutes away from finding out our new champion -

648. but none of that can happen until the tasks have been completed.

649. Too bloody right, let's close this mother down.

650. Fern-ally, it's fine.

651. Oh, no.

652. You can have another go, if you want, or even get closer.

653. Oh! I'm sorry.

654. Oh, no!

655. What do you have to do now?

656. Put potatoes on the pens.

657. Is it?

658. So, put potatoes on the pens...

659. .. and get the pens onto the wooden barrel.

660. Well, yeah.

661. That's mad!

662. Well, you chose them.

663. What if I brought the wooden barrel over here?

664. How much do you deadlift?

665. 100? 102.5 yesterday.

666. Oh.

667. Get the pens onto the wooden barrel without touching.

668. Oh! Like this?

669. Yeah, I suppose so.

670. I feel like I understand this task, and I'm just getting on with it.

671. Any regrets about throwing the robin over and...?

672. No, what use would he have been? Are you joking?

673. You could cover the robin in the potato.

674. Oh, right, yeah!

675. That could work, as well.

676. I'm a bit tired now. Yeah, yeah.

677. There's actually, like, loads left.

678. Be brave. Argh!

679. Oh.Hm.

680. Like a spade.

681. Oh, that worked. Yeah.

682. Ohh.

683. I think the robin went on top of the caravan, does it matter?

684. He didn't go over it. Well, you can check the wording.

685. "Throw one of your objects over the caravan."

686. Oh, yeah.

687. There. Oh, I've stopped the clock.

688. Jesus Christ.

689. Well, I don't know where to start. Hm.

690. Look, it's been pointed out to me that I think in

691. an unusual way before.

692. And I told a few people in my life, "This is how I solved the task -

693. "how would you solve the task?"

694. Everyone said, like, throwing the potatoes over the caravan.

695. But to me, the obvious thing was to let the bird fly.

696. Did Fern come close to completing this task?

697. I don't know if she completed it or not.

698. I think the rule she might've broken was, did she completely cover

699. the pens with the potatoes?

700. Cos after that, she just had to get pens on the barrel without

701. touching them with her hands, which she did do.

702. Were the pens at any point covered by potatoes?

703. We've got a picture of the pens at their most-covered by potatoes.

704. I mean, that's as covered as they could be.

705. It is not. They are covered.

706. They are covered!

707. If someone went, "Oh, er, can you get me a green felt-tip pen?"

708. You'd go "I cannae, they're covered in potatoes!"

709. That is the only rule she might've broken. OK.

710. OK, so this is just what happened, in terms of fastest wins.

711. Please. Fern, clearly the slowest, 13 minutes, 40.

712. Yes. Then we have John,

713. four minutes, 48.

714. Munya, two minutes, 18.

715. Sarah, 36 seconds.

716. Dara, 34.1 seconds.

717. These guys, fast. Oh, yeah.

718. I can't give Fern any more than 1 point,

719. because I could see those pens.

720. But also, she was by far the slowest, so the maximum

721. she can get is 1 point. Yes.

722. So, she's had a right result.

723. 1 point to Fern. Correct.

724. I think Sarah should get 2 points. I think that's fair.

725. Because the scissors didn't go over the caravan,

726. the task wasn't complete.

727. I still got chocolate in my pocket, ha-ha!

728. OK, so to summarise - it's 1 point to Fern, 2 to Sarah.

729. Yes. 3 to John, 4 to Munya,

730. and 5 to Dara O Briain! There it is!

731. OK, everyone, for the last time, please make your way to the stage

732. for the final task of the series!

733. Welcome to the final task of the show.

734. Raise the curtain and rotate me!

735. Hello, enchanting hula ladies.

736. Who will read the task out?

737. Fern Brady, please.

738. "Land a balloon nearest the Taskmaster.

739. "You must stay on your spots at all times.

740. "The closest balloon to the Taskmaster wins.

741. "But if you strike the Taskmaster with a balloon,

742. "you're disqualified."

743. The way it'll work is you'll select a balloon, aim it at Greg -

744. but if you hit him, you're out.

745. Sarah, you're up first. Yeah.

746. Please select a balloon.

747. Ooh.Yeah. We're on.

748. It's not bad! It's on the island.

749. Munya up next.

750. Oh, no, he's a Zimbabwean balloon champion.

751. Ooh!

752. Ooh. Three foot from the Taskmaster.

753. John Kearns - he's also going long and straight.

754. That's an interesting technique I'm over here.

755. Hanging off the plinth. It's hanging off the set.

756. Fern.

757. Ooh!

758. Genuinely exhilarating.

759. We have a new leader, it's Fern Brady. Hello, Dara.

760. Enjoy the spectacle.

761. Sarah, let's balloon.

762. Very stylish. Thanks.

763. This game's a lot better than I thought it was going to be.

764. Take it low. "Say hello to my little friend."

765. Ooh, fuck it!

766. I would say that's definitely in second place. It's just behind.

767. OK, well done. John - oh, oh...

768. Come on, put some vim into it.

769. What do you mean "put some vim"? I'm letting go of a balloon.

770. Ooh, it's... Oh, oh. Hello, hello. Ahh!

771. It didn't touch you!

772. It didn't touch you!

773. We've lost Fern Brady. We have lost...

774. It didn't even... he's pretending.

775. He's not pretending. That is a wounded man.

776. It's gone further now.

777. OK, so it's the final, Greg.

778. We have lost Fern Brady.

779. In this, round you have to release two at the same time -

780. double the fun.

781. Ah. No.

782. As I've said, double the fun.

783. Munya's in the lead.

784. OK, then, John, this is your last act in Taskmaster.

785. Fuck it.

786. OK, then, Dara.

787. Dara O Briain wins the task!

788. Right. We'll add that up, and we'll see how it's affected

789. the final scores. Come and join me!

790. Well, well, well, then. Hm, how's it feeling?

791. Oh, yeah, it's OK, it was this one, actually... argh!

792. You were only struck once.

793. Quite cruel, wasn't it, Fern?

794. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.

795. No, no, I don't mean it, it was cruel for you -

796. cos you didn't get the points. Oh, right. Sorry.

797. Yes, that final fling of the balloon from Dara means that

798. the episode scores look like this -

799. Fern in last place with 8 points,

800. but in first place with 20,

801. it's Dara O Briain!

802. Dara O Briain wins the episode!

803. Please go and grab all the things you think I want to have!

804. Here we are, then, the time has come to announce

805. the Series 14 champion.

806. One of the five competitors has finally done enough

807. to be allowed near me for a few sweet seconds -

808. just time enough to receive this trophy.

809. I can only imagine how good that's going to feel.

810. So, let's do it.

811. I call upon my assistant, little Alex Horne...

812. ..to reveal the final scores.

813. Hello, everyone. I have news.

814. For the first time ever in Taskmaster history,

815. we do not have a loser.

816. In joint fourth -

817. so in a way, we have two losers...

818. .. with 144 points,

819. it's Fern Brady and John Kearns!

820. And then, just 6 points ahead of them with 150, a very round number,

821. it's Munya Chawawa!

822. And they've been neck-and-neck throughout the series,

823. but in second place with 174 points, it's the formidable,

824. the brilliant Sarah Millican!

825. I can tell you that he got a magnificent 184 points in the end.

826. Our new Taskmaster champion is...

827. .. Dara O Briain!

828. See you next time! Bye for now!