Taskmaster 14x1

1. This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

2. HE GRUNTS

3. Up!

4. Oh!

5. Shut up!

6. Argh!

7. What?

8. Hello!

9. Hello, thank you.

10. I'm Greg Davies, and this is a brand-new series of Taskmaster.

11. The show is a well-oiled machine now,

12. and I am your well-oiled host.

13. Let me tell you beneath this suit I am basted with

14. the finest goose fat and ready to pop in the oven.

15. Afterwards, take me out and I'll melt in the mouth.

16. Mm! Delicious.

17. And after the meal, what entertainment can I offer?

18. Easy. I shall take five successful comedians

19. and make them dance for you,

20. dance like they never thought it possible to dance,

21. until their hot tears fill their greedy little eyes,

22. for they all long to take home this -

23. a cheap mass-produced effigy of my head.

24. Let the games commence. Please welcome Dara O Briain.

25. Fern Brady.

26. John Kearns.

27. Munya Chawawa.

28. And Sarah Millican.

29. And next to me, a man who recently confided in me when drunk

30. that before bed each night, his wife puts talcum powder on his rear end

31. and special area in what he described to me

32. as his night-night bot-bot powder party.

33. It's little Alex Horne!

34. Hey, Greg. Hey, mate.

35. Finally I've had the first draft of my new book. You want to see it?

36. Yeah. It's great.

37. OK. It's, er... Well you know about it, obviously.

38. It's the new autobiography of you.

39. It's called Greg? A Force Of Nature.

40. Thank you.

41. It's quite weighty, it's 700 pages. It's the first part of eight.

42. Erm...

43. I like it. Do you want me to read you an excerpt?

44. Read me an excerpt. OK. Ooh,

45. And then Greg Davies leapt off his horse and shouted,

46. "That's how it's done, losers."

47. And all the guys and girls watching him applauded,

48. and knelt down before him, and they lay down before him

49. and sort of–curled up into balls before him

50. and Greg picked them up and rolled them at a barn

51. and roared at them.

52. And on we go.

53. What's the first prize task category of this new series,

54. my little furry friend?

55. Oh, today you've asked them to bring in

56. the most jaw-dropping item.

57. Ah, ouch.

58. And the most jaw-dropping item of them all will get its owner

59. five points, an early lead in the series. Ker-ching.

60. Plus at the end of the show,

61. the winner will take home five jaw-dropping items

62. and probably get lockjaw, Greg.

63. Right, let's begin.

64. Dara, what jaw-dropping item might you have brought us?

65. For me, jaw-dropping is defined by whenever you see Bugs Bunny

66. or another beloved cartoon character dressed as a sexy female version

67. of themselves, so I got this made.

68. GREG CACKLES

69. It certainly an old man, isn't it?

70. If you're not entirely sure about how draw-dropping that is,

71. you have to see the effect it had on Alex.

72. This is strong.

73. Well played. Fern?

74. I brought in a framed picture of a rescue chicken

75. called Fern Brady, named after me, Fern Brady.

76. Here is a chicken called Fern Brady.

77. Yep, there's this couple called David and Carol

78. that really, really love comedy a lot, and they have rescue chickens

79. named after different female comedians.

80. I don't know if you've got one, Sarah.

81. There's a Sarah Millican chicken as well.

82. That's the thing is they always update you

83. on how your chicken is doing,

84. so, like, Fern Brady the chicken was the biggest girl of the lot.

85. She really enjoyed her food.

86. But during the pandemic when I'd lost all my work

87. and I was feeling sad, I got a tweet from them one day saying,

88. "Fern Brady died this morning.

89. "She was doing what she loved best,

90. "eating breakfast out of David's hand."

91. That's pretty jaw-dropping.

92. OK. These are strong so far.

93. Someone's got to drop the ball soon, haven't they?

94. Well, it's John's turn now. John, what have you brought in?

95. I brought in the, er, Guinness World Records book.

96. This is going to take some talking round.

97. There's a tomato that's over 10lb, which is the size of a domestic cat.

98. It's a big tomato, he is right.

99. You've got the hairiest family.

100. They're the ones with hair over their face? They're 98% hair.

101. They themselves are not 98% hair.

102. Is there the guy who was the quickest ever to get one point?

103. Munya, what have you brought in?

104. So I have brought in a knitted version of my head.

105. Here is his head.

106. What I like is that they've really nailed

107. how your teeth are on your lips.

108. They've really caught that, haven't they, in wool?

109. I don't own it. I had to buy it. What? What?

110. Yeah, I had to buy it. £200.

111. OUTCRY

112. It's pretty... I mean, it's awful.

113. Sarah, can you beat that?

114. It's a ceramic dildo that has one of my jokes... engraved?

115. Is that the right word?

116. I've never written on a dildo, apart from "Mine."

117. I was told it was a ceramic bangle holder. Here it is.

118. "Never put anything in your mouth you don't want to."

119. Which is the one bit of sex advice my mam ever gave me.

120. That is genuinely quite shocking.

121. You've seen all five.

122. One point to John.

123. One point. OK.

124. I really loved it, but I'm only giving him two points.

125. It's Munya's knitted head.

126. Oh! That's harsh. That's harsh.

127. Yeah, sorry, it is harsh, isn't it, yeah? Two points, OK.

128. I'm going to give joint honours

129. to Dara's jaw-dropping cartoon and, incredibly,

130. Sarah's ceramic dildo,

131. because the thing that genuinely shocked me the most

132. was that Fern would read, "Fern Brady is dead."

133. That's the thing that made my jaw drop.

134. OK, well, five points go to Fern Brady. There it is.

135. Here we go, then. What have we got first, Alex?

136. Well, we have a box-fresh task to kick off proceedings.

137. Hello, Alex.

138. Oh, hello, Sarah.

139. Come in. Oh, I've got a bit big-headed.

140. Do you want me to help you? Yes, please, I really do.

141. I'm in. Oh, yeah.

142. Yes. How you doing? I'm good thanks, Munya.

143. Oh, hi, Fern.

144. Hi.

145. Hi, John.

146. Hello, Alex.

147. This way, please.

148. This way please. Yeah.

149. Hello, Dara.

150. Hello, Alex. How are you?

151. So, yes, face the front.

152. You can take one step to me if you want.

153. Oh, that's... That's nice.

154. And you can rotate this way a little bit if you want.

155. Yeah, cool. Just looking around. And you can open the task.

156. Would you like to read the task?

157. FERN CHUCKLES

158. Yeah.

159. Would you mind reading it to me, please? No, no. Very happy too.

160. You can either post it in the top of me head

161. or you can maybe read it for me.

162. Oh, I'd love to read it for you. Yes, please.

163. You can hear the rustle of anticipation.

164. Right, Munya, what ten films are you in?

165. You have 15 minutes.

166. Most correct films named wins.

167. What do you mean, what ten films am I in?

168. Your time starts now.

169. What do you mean?

170. Most correct films?

171. Named wins.

172. That I am in? Mm-hm.

173. That I am in?

174. Yes.

175. I thought they conducted themselves with absolute dignity,

176. and I'm very excited to see them. And might I say as a side note,

177. Fern's early fury bodes very well for the rest of the series.

178. OK, here we go. It's Dara O Briain, John Kearns, and Fern Brady.

179. Number one.

180. You're trying to work out what film is that.

181. That is... arrow, bow.

182. Bow... Bowfinger?

183. Not far off.

184. What ten films am I in?

185. Se7en?

186. Yeah, that's one out of ten.

187. What, did I just get one? Yep.

188. Arrow. Bow.

189. It's a sheep. Bo Peep. Ram. Bow.

190. Rambo! Correct.

191. Wizard. OK.

192. Boomerang.

193. So remember it's a film.

194. Wizard. Mm-hm.

195. Boomerang.

196. I haven't seen that.

197. This is a, erm, a bendy stick that comes back to you.

198. Erm, but what's that called again?

199. Oh, Australian, er...

200. Not kangaroo!

201. Stop saying kangaroo, my brain.

202. Erm... it is a boomerang!

203. What the hell is that?

204. Like, an elf wears that, but there's no elves in Australia.

205. Australian Wizard.

206. Oh, maybe another word for an Australian. Yes.

207. Wizard Of Oz.

208. Correct.

209. Erm, jugs, jar...

210. The three Amigos?

211. What the hell would be in this?

212. I don't know. The Chipmunks?

213. Hmm. Next one. I'm good at these... I like these games.

214. Eugh! Crusty golf.

215. Cornflakes, golf club. Yep.

216. Cornflakes club.

217. The Breakfast Club!

218. Correct!

219. Wow!

220. This is a club. Something club? Uh-huh.

221. Oh, Jesus Christ.

222. Go on to the next one. OK.

223. So they're peas.

224. OK. What's the movie?

225. Er... Peas?

226. Oh, for Jesus' sake.

227. You've got three and a half minutes.

228. Oh, my God. Really?

229. Frozen peas.

230. Frozen!

231. Correct.

232. This is an orange.

233. Clockwork Orange. Correct.

234. I feel like this one's actually an easy one.

235. Yes.

236. But it's not coming to me.

237. Stones. Romancing The Stone.

238. Er...

239. I'm going to go with Moon.

240. Moon. OK.

241. Top Gun.

242. No. Fan Gun.

243. No.

244. Fan Me...

245. Fanny Weapon.

246. It's not Fanny Weapon.

247. Oh! Gone With The Wind.

248. Correct.

249. Oh, are you looking for number nine? Yeah.

250. OK. I'm number nine.

251. Those are carrots, right?

252. Yep, and then I've got things in my hands as well.

253. Eugh! A teabag?

254. OK. Is it?

255. Yeah, and then one other thing here.

256. Carrot tea.

257. Carroty Ginger.

258. But that's not ginger.

259. Oh, it's a horse.

260. Goat teabag carrots.

261. Carroty Ram.

262. Carroty Goat? What the hell.

263. Karate Kid!

264. Correct.

265. You're number ten.

266. You represent a moment in a film.

267. You've got 30 seconds.

268. In total? In total, yeah.

269. Oh, shite. Yeah, no, it's gone badly.

270. It has gone badly, hasn't it? Mm. Yeah.

271. Your time's up, Dara.

272. –I'm sure the expression on that box changed to great sadness.

273. It got sadder.

274. That still photo got sadder and sadder

275. as I couldn't remember the names of any films.

276. Dara not the first comedian to do this show

277. because his children enjoy it

278. only to lose all the respect his children previously had for him.

279. So he got three out of the ten films.

280. John, when you just shouted at the top of your voice "Chipmunks,"

281. it felt like a man throwing in the towel for the whole series.

282. Fern, pleased with your performance?

283. Yeah, I think I did O... Did I do OK?

284. How many did Fern get? Let's just find out straight away.

285. She got 60% of them right. Six out of ten.

286. Really good, really good.

287. Nice!

288. I thought that The Wizard Of Oz, I thought your title was better.

289. What did I pick? The Australian Wizard.

290. Six points, and John got four points?

291. Yes. One film that you were adamant about was Peas the film, and

292. as it's not a real film, I wonder if you wanted to pitch it, maybe.

293. Peas, er, a lovely gardener,

294. er, during lockdown. Yep.

295. The only thing that grows in his garden is peas. Yep.

296. Erm, he goes to bed, the peas run in the house

297. and, er, they kill him, and then live his life.

298. That's Peas. Coming to a cinema near you.

299. Right, that's the end of part one, or for our French speaking viewers,

300. la bibliotheque est dans le jardin.

301. Bonsoir, welcome back,

302. and for our French-speaking viewers,

303. Alex est un petit cheval.

304. Oh!

305. So where were we, Alex?

306. Merci pour la baguette.

307. Yes, our five contestants were in ten films.

308. Before the break, Dara, Fern and John worked out what a few of them

309. were, but how will our final two do?

310. Let's find out as Sarah Millican and Munya Chawawa investigate.

311. What is this now?

312. This is a bow and arrow. I know the feeling of this.

313. OK. OK.

314. A ram. Silence Of The Rams?

315. It's not Silence Of The Rams.

316. Sheep. A ram.

317. Rambo.

318. Correct. Yes!

319. So it's a witch's hat.

320. Boomerang.

321. Oh, such a puzzle.

322. Oh, The Wizard Of Oz.

323. Correct! You're good at this, Munya.

324. Yeah, catch.

325. I'm joking.

326. The Wizard Of Oz Returns?

327. You sort of said it.

328. Well, give me the point, then.

329. What's the film? The Wizard Of Oz?

330. Correct.

331. Oh, Australia! Oh, you dicks.

332. Pardon? Nothing, I'm having a great day.

333. One jar, two jar, three jar.

334. Jar Wars.

335. Jars?

336. Close. Jaws.

337. Correct.

338. It's like a golf club with eczema.

339. Something club.

340. Fight Club. No.

341. Breakfast Club.

342. Correct. Yes!

343. Oh! Peas.

344. Eugh, man. Oh!

345. Oh, it's peas.

346. Frozen. Correct.

347. Yes!

348. This is...

349. Clockwork Orange.

350. Clockwork Orange. Correct.

351. The Rock? Close.

352. The Rock 2?

353. Rock? Rocky.

354. Correct.

355. Is the word... Rocky?

356. Correct. Oh, God.

357. What is it, a gun? Yes.

358. Gundhi?

359. It's not Gundhi no.

360. Gun With The Wind.

361. Oh, my word. Correct, yes.

362. Yes!

363. Gone With The Wind!

364. Correct. Shut your face.

365. Bro, you're a bit older than the kid, but Karate Kid.

366. Correct. Yes!

367. You are clue number ten.

368. I am? Yes.

369. I'm not in any films.

370. Sarah Millican. The Sarah Millican Film. No.

371. My head right now is in a box. Yes.

372. That is the exact same as a moment in a film.

373. Yes.

374. Er...

375. Big Heads, Coneheads, Cardboard Heads.

376. No.

377. Do you want to blow the whistle, or shall I?

378. Yeah, you blow the whistle.

379. I'm intrigued by Munya picked up a bow and said,

380. I've written it down cos I was so intrigued,

381. "I know the feeling of this."

382. So in Zimbabwe, we used to have nine gardeners, OK?

383. Now it's not because we're bougie,

384. it's because that's just the done thing. So basically...

385. To have nine gardeners? Yeah. My dad was like,

386. "Look, I can't afford these nine gardeners.

387. "Too many, yeah? So we need to rank them."

388. So he put me in charge of ranking them.

389. So what I would do is I would give them tasks

390. like I was a Zimbabwe taskmaster,

391. and one of them was to make me a bow and arrow.

392. So the person who made me the bow and arrow was top gardener. So...

393. What the fuck's going on?

394. It's worth you knowing that he will mention Zimbabwe

395. in every single task.

396. Wow, amazing. Give me some scores.

397. Well, I can tell you Sarah got seven out of ten,

398. Munya eight out of ten.

399. Which means Munya gets five points, four to Sarah, three to Fern,

400. two to John, Dara just a single point.

401. Dara, you're pretty angry about this, yeah?

402. Not at you, not at the show, not at the concept.

403. That was the whole idea - puzzles and fun. I'm just angry at me.

404. We're only in the first task proper. Yes.

405. Which means that John is last place by quite some distance,

406. but in joint first we have Fern and Sarah with eight points.

407. Let's see another task, please.

408. OK, then, Greg, it's our first location task of the series,

409. and this time, for a bit of a laugh, we borrowed the whole of

410. Gatwick airport's south terminal.

411. Good stuff. Loo roll VT.

412. Hello, Alex.

413. Hi, Fern. Hey.

414. Imagine if I just knocked it over the... Waaah!

415. That would be funny, wouldn't it?

416. Oh, I love a toilet roll!

417. I feel much happier now that there's loads of toilet rolls here.

418. Oh, I'm going to love this.

419. "Land loo roll in the loo."

420. "You must stay on the spot at all times."

421. "Most loo roll in the loo wins."

422. "You have 15 minutes. Your time starts now."

423. That's not an easy shot.

424. Well, in my real life, I'm actually amazing at this.

425. I'm always knocking full toilet rolls into the toilet.

426. What happens when I run out?

427. You'll either be happy or sad.

428. You know, in Zimbabwe, I'm used to long drops,

429. so this should be a doozy.

430. Or a loozy.

431. Do you genuinely knock full toilet rolls into the toilet regularly?

432. Yeah. I get in trouble for it. So do I.

433. It's so upsetting. I've got a massive mirror in my bathroom,

434. and I would say once a week I do that and look at myself,

435. and go, "You fat arsehole."

436. Let's play.

437. OK, first to use the toilet, it's Dara and Fern.

438. OK, I'll try one just to try one OK?

439. No.

440. How long have I got? 15 minutes?

441. You've got 15 minutes.

442. Oh, no.

443. Oh, no.

444. Oh, no!

445. Can I roll it down something?

446. Wadding it.

447. Drainage pipe anywhere?

448. Oh, no!

449. String? Wire?

450. Do you think I should have a tactic?

451. I don't know.

452. I'll just...

453. Oh!

454. Did that count? No.

455. Obviously I could do it in smaller chunks

456. and get something in.

457. That wasn't one of them.

458. Sort of counted, that one.

459. Get an ideal amount of weight to stability.

460. Yes! Yes!

461. Can we break into a fishing supply store?

462. That wasn't anywhere near it.

463. Over? You've got 13 minutes left.

464. Another way of directing this.

465. OK, I'm off the mark.

466. I think you've finished early. Well done.

467. Thank you. Congratulations. 1 out of 12 went in.

468. You weren't expecting a second one to land, were you?

469. Oh! WHISTLE BLOWS

470. I hit the rim six times in a row.

471. I hit the rim six times in a row. That's shattering.

472. It's terrible to watch Dara ruminating to himself

473. over the many ways he could do this,

474. and I wrote down my impression was that Dara was

475. walking the fine line between physics theorist

476. and confused uncle in a shed.

477. But he landed a couple of sweet ones in the pan, right?

478. Yes, he got a whole roll in, which is 140 sheets, we all know that,

479. and 43 other individual sheets.

480. I do have to go through the toilet at the end of this task

481. and count them. That was the only pleasure left open to me

482. is the thought of you going through my toilet paper

483. and individually counting the sheets.

484. That must have given you a little lift after all of the rim shots

485. which were, and I quote, "shattering."

486. Fern had a less technical system.

487. It seemed to me that you thought,

488. "Yeah, I'm just going to chuck all these one by one,

489. "and after each one I'm going to go, 'Oh, no!'"

490. Yeah, and I didn't realise till you said there was 13 minutes left,

491. that was when I realised I might have done it differently

492. to everyone else. Who's next?

493. Next up to throw down are Munya and Millican.

494. Part of me thinks it's just throwing and hoping it hits.

495. If I break these into pieces, I could basically have 100 shots.

496. Oh!

497. It does have to go in the loo. Yeah, I know that.

498. We've all missed the seat a few times in our life, haven't we?

499. There you go.

500. I'm just going to start.

501. Oh! That was quite close.

502. Maybe this isn't impossible.

503. Oh!

504. Just keep it going.

505. LeBron James.

506. LeBron James.

507. No. Maybe here.

508. No. Too far.

509. LeBron James.

510. LeBron James.

511. Ready for this?

512. LeBron James.

513. Shit.

514. No. TOILET FLUSHES

515. Oh, I flushed it, though!

516. That's just over half your loo rolls gone.

517. If feels silly to just chuck five more.

518. LeBron James.

519. LeBron James.

520. Oh!

521. Could I get some water?

522. Oh, thank you.

523. I couldn't get off me spot. Sticking to the rules.

524. Thank you.

525. Just wet them to make them a bit heavier. Yeah.

526. Does it count?

527. Stupid game anyway.

528. This is so satisfying!

529. I can't believe I missed this many. This is impossible.

530. The ones with the little tails do look amazing when they go.

531. Yeah, well, it's not about your artistic direction, is it?

532. It's about getting them in.

533. No.

534. How long, how long?

535. No! No!

536. Yes!

537. Ten seconds.

538. This is the final bit of loo roll, is it? Yeah.

539. Good luck!

540. No.

541. WHISTLE BLOWS That's pretty good.

542. WHISTLE BLOWS

543. Oh, for God's sake.

544. Whatever, Alex.

545. Munya, at the beginning, what did you mean when you said,

546. "We've all missed the seat sometimes?"

547. Listen, we all have a past.

548. You poo off the seat?

549. Not me personally, just, you know,

550. when you've got nine gardeners, a lot of stuff happens.

551. Fascinating.

552. Erm, Sarah, you stopped halfway through to try a new system. Yeah.

553. And it was a delight.

554. Aw! Make the paper heavy.

555. Yeah. Make it more like a poo.

556. Not like mine. They... Oh, no?

557. No. That's too solid for me.

558. Is it? Yeah.

559. Just a disaster zone, is it? Yeah.

560. Yeah. I mean, I'll be honest with you, Sarah, mine's not pretty.

561. But I thought it was a master stroke.

562. I don't know that it worked.

563. Yeah, it did. Oh, did it?

564. You did actually say, "I've never seen a kingfisher.

565. "I imagine this is what it's like." Swack. Yeah!

566. How many of her big wet kingfishers went in?

567. She had a total of 80 individual sheets,

568. whereas Munya, just 61.

569. Good.

570. Break.

571. Hello, welcome back to the very third part

572. of the very first episode of the very 14th series.

573. Oh, what a wacky intro.

574. Before the break, the new lot had got through security at Gatwick

575. south so that they could throw loo rolls from a height

576. into a toilet. We've seen everyone apart from John Kearns,

577. so here is John Kearns.

578. With ever anything like this, I don't need power.

579. Gravity will provide the power.

580. So, weirdly, I'm going to throw it up before I throw it down.

581. Right, I might... I might try throwing it down now.

582. Right, I'm just... I'm just going to have another go.

583. Right.

584. That was really quite a long way away from the toilet.

585. Ooh, I've got an idea!

586. Make a little paper aeroplane.

587. Well, look how beautiful it is, first and foremost.

588. The chassis, the wings.

589. It's a fantastic piece of engineering.

590. Fly, my pretty, fly.

591. Oh!

592. Oh, God. Right hang on.

593. What's happening now? I'm going to make a bigger one.

594. A bigger one? Yeah.

595. Right, I need to rethink this now.

596. Be great to get some loo roll in the loo.

597. Yeah, I know that. That's the task.

598. That's why I'm here.

599. Too high up.

600. 20 seconds, John.

601. Well, I'll release that.

602. WHISTLE BLOWS

603. Well... that didn't go to plan.

604. I had such high hopes because of the archway you delivered

605. the sentence, "Gravity will provide the power."

606. I thought, "This man knows what he's talking about.!

607. Yeah, I do. No, you don't.

608. I tell you, it's a shame we don't give arthouse points, though.

609. Oh, man, that is... I mean, he may not win this game,

610. but he'll win a Cesar, the French Oscars, for Best Short Film.

611. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

612. From the maker of Peas...

613. It's frustrating to watch, though, for John,

614. because he is an amazing shot.

615. Afterwards, we sometimes stick around, have a bit of fun.

616. John grabbed a loo roll, chucked it straight in.

617. Have you got it?

618. No, I didn't film it.

619. Yeah, we did, we did, we did. Watch this.

620. That's got to just be gut-wrenching, isn't it?

621. Yes.

622. Hey, let's have some points.

623. Right, well, John didn't get any in.

624. Does he still get a point, Greg, for coming last?

625. Yeah, for God's sake.

626. For the sheer beauty he's got to get a point, doesn't he?

627. A single point to John. Then we have Munya with two points,

628. Sarah came third, three points,

629. Fern, four points for second place,

630. but the winner with five points is Dara O Briain, 183 sheets.

631. The master physicist strikes.

632. Time for one more? You Bet With Matthew Kelly,

633. and it's the first team task now.

634. Oh, my God. Yes.

635. Hello. Hello, Fern.

636. Please wait, please wait.

637. Hi, Alex. Hi, Sarah.

638. I don't know what you've got. A length of drainpipe?

639. Yeah.

640. I don't like your little geeky socks.

641. You don't? No.

642. I don't like this. It looks like I might have to do a forward roll

643. or something. Can you do a forward roll?

644. For you, I'd give it a go. Great.

645. Er, should I read the task?

646. Hi. Oh, hello!

647. Hiya. Hey, Fern. How are you?

648. All right.

649. You are now a team.

650. Oh, damn! OK.

651. Dara, this is Fern. Fern, this is Dara.

652. Hey, nice to meet you. Hi, lovely to meet you.

653. You are a team. Oh! Oh, cool. Cool.

654. Yeah? You can stand next to each other if you want.

655. Oh, sorry. I thought there was a thing.

656. No, you just. Wherever you want, really.

657. Well, I want to do... There's John!

658. Aha!

659. You all right?

660. Should I...? You go ahead. Please.

661. Good luck, team.

662. "Create the best picture of a bird on the black square."

663. "You may not step on or do anything to the black square."

664. "Alex will walk towards you every time you name a different bird."

665. "Alex will stop moving every time you name a different fish."

666. Oh, my God! I hate that, I hate that. This is sick. OK, all right.

667. "You have a maximum of 15 minutes.

668. "Your time starts when Alex withdraws his nail."

669. So is there paint...? Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.

670. So, Sarah, paint is going to start spraying out as soon

671. as he pulls out that nail.

672. So if I said a bird's name, you would walk towards me?

673. I will follow the last person who said a species of bird.

674. But if you name a fish... He stops.

675. He stops when we name a fish.

676. How good are you on fish and birds?

677. That was my uni degree, so we're all good.

678. Was it your uni degree?

679. Yeah, I mean, some people call it psychology, but I...

680. Very nice.

681. Degree or not, my gut instinct is it's going to go very badly

682. for both teams. Oh! OK.

683. I could be wrong, and my only other observation is that, during that,

684. Fern was either freezing or needed a wee.

685. No, it was both.

686. It was really hard to go to the toilet in that costume.

687. Yeah. So I think I went once in the whole series.

688. Excellent. OK, well, luckily nobody's going to have to imagine

689. a world without montages, because we've got one right here.

690. OK, I'm now going to withdraw my nail.

691. Good luck, everyone.

692. Ooh! Oh, no.

693. OK, we're losing paint quickly here. Yeah, OK.

694. OK. Alex, pigeon.

695. Carp.

696. Stop.

697. Magpie.

698. OK.

699. Goldfish.

700. Er, seagull.

701. Alex, seagull.

702. Seabream.

703. Oh, you just keep coming towards me?

704. Until you say a fish.

705. Carp.

706. Right, OK.

707. Eagle.

708. Er, goldfish.

709. Erm... Oh, Jesus, a type of bird.

710. Erm... Tit. .. owl.

711. I can't think of a fish. Tell me a fish!

712. Oh, blowfish! Pike.

713. Where...? Where's the head? Is that the head up there?

714. That's the head up there.

715. Hawk.

716. Angelfish.

717. You DID do your degree in this! Telling you.

718. This is a bird that's been, er, run over.

719. Eye. What?

720. Beak. That's its beak.

721. Shouldn't we put a foot over here?

722. Why would you want a foot sticking out of its arse?

723. Could it be a bird at any other angle?

724. We could start again. I am totally not seeing how you don't see this.

725. It looks like a mangled rabbit or something.

726. I can't think of any birds or fish.

727. Er, falcon. Falcon.

728. No, no, no, no! No! Oh, no!

729. Quick, say something!

730. Different bird.

731. Erm, nuthatch, nuthatch, nuthatch!

732. That's the head, yeah?

733. Yes. So what's this? The body?

734. The body. It's a turkey. Oh, yeah!

735. No!

736. I think our problem is that we can't remember at critical times

737. the names of birds or fish.

738. So get maybe three birds and three fish.

739. Oh, Jesus Christ, three of them.

740. Is an eel a fish or a snake?

741. We need an eye, but how do we do an eye? I know, I know, I know.

742. If one of us is above Alex,

743. then he has to lift the paint up, which means it stops pouring.

744. Do you see what I'm saying? How are you going to get above him?

745. Mexican parrot.

746. Hey, look I'm up, I'm up.

747. Oh, yes, you are.

748. We've very much lost the bird.

749. It doesn't look like anything!

750. There's so much wrong with this.

751. Erm, where's the head now?

752. You've got the beak, you've got the foot,

753. you've got the tail, you've got the wing.

754. Now we've got a bird.

755. Two and a half minutes.

756. Penguin. It's a penguin.

757. Quick, quick, quick.

758. Eugh!

759. This could maybe be a bird?

760. That's not a bird.

761. You have to know when to step away. Let's step away.

762. Fancy a cuppa, Sarah? Let's have a cuppa. Good plan.

763. Look at that. Look at the beak. Look at the beak there.

764. Right. Like a goose... Are they going in?

765. They've gone in, yeah. OK.

766. As I predicted.

767. The group of three to me seemed to be the least organised,

768. although Dara took an early leading role.

769. Yeah, much ignored.

770. You did for the first few minutes run around and round the canvas,

771. and then say to Alex really aggressively,

772. "What, you just going to keep coming towards me?"

773. It put me in mind of a documentary about how six-year-olds interact.

774. What about the group of two?

775. There was a better dynamic there, I thought.

776. Yeah, we are pretty much an interracial JLS,

777. so I felt like we...

778. Do you mind if I write that down?

779. Please do, yeah. No, please.

780. I thought we had an exceptional use of physics.

781. You know, a wise man once said,

782. "Gravity will do the rest,"

783. so I feel like we did pretty good.

784. You remember it differently to me.

785. You're going to have to wait until after the ads

786. to see the birds they've created.

787. It's our way of teasing you back

788. in case Sarah Millican's bangle holder wasn't doing the job.

789. See you soon.

790. Hello! Welcome back to the final part of the show

791. and the conclusion of our first team task of the series.

792. Yes, they were directing me to draw a picture of a bird.

793. I was steadily leaking paint out of a hole,

794. and they were shouting fishes and birds at me at the same time.

795. You get the idea. Best picture of a bird wins.

796. So this is what Munya and Sarah created.

797. It does look like a bird. See? See?

798. You see, it starts as shock, and then it gets impressed.

799. It looks like it's leaning into wind.

800. It's a bird with human feet leaning into the wind.

801. Well, you know, that's evolution.

802. I thought it was one of her kingfishers.

803. I've kind of brought it to life.

804. A fabulous kingfisher.

805. That's a Zimbabwean nuthatch.

806. I thought it might be, yeah.

807. Very rare, very rare, extremely rare.

808. OK, well, would you like to see what the team of three ended up with?

809. Let's see this beautiful bird.

810. There we go.

811. There's the bird.

812. Yeah, er, you can see the beak here at the left-hand side.

813. The wings are up like this around it,

814. and that's the body of it at the back there.

815. Exactly the same tone of voice Dara used when he was running around

816. going, "Oh, yeah, right, you're following me now, are you?"

817. John? Fern?

818. No, I mean, unless the bird's been exploded everywhere,

819. it doesn't look like anything.

820. Look, there were differences of vision within the team.

821. They went for a bird and...

822. Oh, this is... Do you not see the duck's head?

823. I can see a bird, but to the right-hand side is a head. No!

824. It is. It's a chicken, look.

825. There you go.

826. Standard chicken. We can see the chicken in action.

827. There we go.

828. And you criticised our feet! How dare you?

829. It's pointing the other way.

830. Thanks for confirming there's no bird in there, Dara.

831. Well, you've got to judge them.

832. Which is the better bird in...?

833. Oh, don't be so ridiculous. Right.

834. We know what the better bird is.

835. It's just how we divide the points.

836. But, you know, let's not pretend that that bird's good.

837. I feel sorry for them, so I'm going to give them two points

838. for their mass of lines. The team of three? That's correct,

839. but I'll be giving five points, the top marks, to the team of two.

840. There we go. Five points to Munya and Sarah.

841. Quick look at the scores.

842. Right, well, he's still in last place with six,

843. and the leader now has ten points more than that.

844. It's Sarah with 16.

845. OK, everyone, please make your way to the stage

846. for the final task of the show.

847. That look on Dara's face - I call it deep regret.

848. Munya's got his on at a jaunty angle, look.

849. Of course he has, yeah, that's how they wear them in Zimbabwe.

850. Who's going to read the task out?

851. Fern Brady is going to.

852. Good luck, Fern.

853. "Get the most weight on the see-saw without popping the balloon.

854. "Taking it in turns, you must place a single item of your

855. "additional clothing in the triangular basket.

856. "The most weight in the triangular basket when the balloon pops wins.

857. "But if you pop the balloon, you get zero points."

858. So one at a time, they're going to

859. pop one of the additional clothing items in the triangular basket.

860. They're trying to put the most weight in there

861. before the balloon pops,

862. so we know how much each of your items weighs.

863. What you don't want to do is pop the balloon.

864. Oh, yeah, cos you get nothing then.

865. So were going to start with the person in last place, Greg,

866. and that's obviously John.

867. Going to go with the top hat. Oh, he's going big.

868. You can turn this around.

869. No, no, he's ten points behind Sarah. No, I know.

870. Right, here we go.

871. Oh, perfect. Right.

872. Wow, that delivery was almost arrogant.

873. Next, it's Dara O Briain.

874. Good luck, Dara.

875. Oh, he wouldn't go with a boot?

876. Gently.

877. Oh, big but gentle.

878. Oh, you lovely bear. Well played.

879. In third place it's Munya Chawawa.

880. Another boot, Greg. See what I'm going to do?

881. LeBron James.

882. LeBron James.

883. Double boot?

884. There we go.

885. No movement yet. It's Fern Brady to go next.

886. Another boot. Yeah, come on, Fern, that's it.

887. Oh, Fern!

888. Oh, easy, easy.

889. Sarah Millican the current leader. Is she going boot?

890. Oh, God, she'd be mad to.

891. Yeah, better.

892. Very clever.

893. Lovely. One item. It's back to you, John.

894. Well, another boot, I think. Another boot? Yeah.

895. I'm absolutely pissed on the adrenaline.

896. SHARP INTAKES OF BREATH

897. Oh, didn't move.

898. Slight movement there. Back to Dara.

899. He's going flipper.

900. I think he's using physics.

901. Munya. You're up, Munya.

902. Cool. I'm going to go glove cos it's really irritating my eczema.

903. Lovely delivery.

904. LeBron James.

905. Fern, you're up.

906. That's it. Going flipper.

907. In it goes. Lovely.

908. Sarah, you're up.

909. She's not!

910. Oh, hello. Oh, she wouldn't!

911. Oh, hello. She wouldn't?

912. Oh, it's madness.

913. AUDIENCE OOHS

914. Wow. Nothing's happened yet.

915. Right, it's...

916. It's John again.

917. I think it needs a bit of...

918. No, you DON'T want to pop the balloon, John.

919. Yeah, but I don't think I'll do it enough.

920. You do you, John.

921. You play your game.

922. VARIOUS CRIES OF INTRIGUE

923. Right. Now were getting somewhere.!

924. Dara O Briain next.

925. Good morning, Mr Scrooge.

926. Oh, he's got... I see what he's doing. Oh, lovely.

927. Are we happy that's IN the triangular basket?

928. Yeah.

929. All right. It has gone in...

930. Physics yet again.

931. OK, Munya.

932. OK you know the thing they're going to say about Munya?

933. He lives on the edge.

934. I don't think that's what they're going to say.

935. Oh, lovely.

936. Oh, Munya!

937. Can we have balance? Can you just hold my hand?

938. No. No, please?

939. No, quite right John. Fuck him.

940. Look, hold my hand please. Why?

941. Because I need the balance cos the more weight my nails put on it,

942. the more it goes. I'm in last place. It doesn't matter, bro.

943. You've got nothing to lose.

944. OK, bro, count me down from three.

945. Count me down from three!

946. Three, two, one.

947. VARIOUS CRIES OF INTRIGUE

948. Oh!

949. Come and join me down here.

950. Wow. Well, well, well.

951. I bet that's put the cat amongst the pigeons, hasn't it?

952. So obviously Munya, who was too near the edge in the end,

953. gets zero points.

954. Sarah put 1,071 grams in,

955. Fern 1,310 grams,

956. Dara and John both exactly the same - 1,461.

957. Which means that Sarah gets the two points, three points to Fern,

958. but in joint first place, five points to Dara and John.

959. Shall I tell you what the final scores are? Yes, please.

960. Well, there's only one point separating three people,

961. but the winner with 18 points is Sarah Millican. Wow!

962. Sarah wins!

963. Please head up to the stage to enjoy your jaw-dropping prizes.

964. A new series has begun.

965. See you next time, but for now,

966. well done again to our first winner, Sarah Millican.