1. Ah ha ha ha!Copy !req
2. You swear to me, doc.Copy !req
3. It's just like that
nightmare I told you about.Copy !req
4. The one I keep having
when I'm petting Bambi.Copy !req
5. You've got to help me, doc.Copy !req
6. I'm losing my mind.Copy !req
7. I can't seem
to take a joke anymore!Copy !req
8. I mean, achoke.Copy !req
9. I mean... It's like
the man in tonight's tale.Copy !req
10. He's a head shrinker
who's about to undergoCopy !req
11. a little final analysis
of his ownCopy !req
12. in a paranoid parableCopy !req
13. I call
the new arrival.Copy !req
14. Don't forget tomorrow
our subject issex
with the supernatural.Copy !req
15. Is it possible?
Is it cheating?Copy !req
16. Have you had it?Copy !req
17. And most important, honey,Copy !req
18. did the spiritmoveya?Copy !req
19. Call in tomorrow and tell us
right here on talk radio 99.Copy !req
20. Until then,
lothar loves you.Copy !req
21. Does your mother know
you talk that way?Copy !req
22. I don't know,Copy !req
23. but the folks
at arbitron sure do.Copy !req
24. You seen my ratings
that just came out
in that book?Copy !req
25. I'm up 60%.Copy !req
26. No accounting for taste.Copy !req
27. You know, goetz,
I heard a rumor.Copy !req
28. They're
going to give me
your time slot.Copy !req
29. Over my dead body.Copy !req
30. That works for me,
daddy-o.Copy !req
31. Excuse me.Copy !req
32. This Tuesday,
get out and vote.Copy !req
33. The U.S. senator
in the fifth districtCopy !req
34. is running again this year.Copy !req
35. Don't let him
rattle you, Alan.Copy !req
36. I want you to concentrate
on your show, o.K.?Copy !req
37. You'll be great today.Copy !req
38. Bonnie, do me a favor—
shut up.Copy !req
39. You're my producer,
not my mother.Copy !req
40. Right. I'm sorry.Copy !req
41. It's 10:05 and time
forgood psychologyCopy !req
42. with award-winning
child psychologistCopy !req
43. Dr. Alan goetz,Copy !req
44. author of
the best-sellingCopy !req
45. the art of
ignoring your child.Copy !req
46. Dr. goetz,
our first callerCopy !req
47. is a mother
from glenbury.Copy !req
48. Where do I getCopy !req
49. my 3-year-old's hormones
investigated?Copy !req
50. Every time I look,
she's m-m—Copy !req
51. ah, she's masturbating.Copy !req
52. Now, listen to me.Copy !req
53. Children rub their genitalsCopy !req
54. for the pleasure
it gives them.Copy !req
55. Probably you do, too.
There's nothing wrong with it.Copy !req
56. Ignore it, ignore it.Copy !req
57. Thanks for the call.Copy !req
58. Next, Bonnie.Copy !req
59. It's our friend
from lawndale,
Dr. goetz.Copy !req
60. Nora?Copy !req
61. Hello, Dr. goetz.Copy !req
62. Hi. It's what, four days
since you last called?Copy !req
63. How's little felicity
getting along?Copy !req
64. Burning the house down?Copy !req
65. Not at all.Copy !req
66. Writing on the wall
with feces?Copy !req
67. No, of course not.Copy !req
68. Trying to electrocute
the cat?Copy !req
69. She's banging her head
against the wall.Copy !req
70. I tried reasoning with her,
but that never works.Copy !req
71. Then I threatened to
take away her favorite toy.Copy !req
72. She just started screaming
and banging her head again.Copy !req
73. Get out
of my chair.Copy !req
74. Do you hear yourself,
Nora?Copy !req
75. Every time,
it's the same thing—Copy !req
76. felicity did this...Copy !req
77. Nice shoes, rona.
Snake?Copy !req
78. You're loads of laughs,
lutzmeyer.Copy !req
79. You should get a job
on the radio.Copy !req
80. You'll need one
after today.Copy !req
81. What's that
supposed to mean?Copy !req
82. I know
what you're probably—Copy !req
83. oh, now, now don't
get to upset.Copy !req
84. Oh, now, now don't
get to upset.Copy !req
85. You'll have lots of company
in the unemployment line.Copy !req
86. Rona you can't do that,
we have a contract.Copy !req
87. What you want
to sue us go ahead.Copy !req
88. Sue us.Copy !req
89. As of tomorrow,
this spot belongs to lothar.Copy !req
90. Dr. goetz? Hello?
Are you there?Copy !req
91. Oh, uh, yeah.
Sorry. What?Copy !req
92. But people
count on Alan!Copy !req
93. They need him!Copy !req
94. Oh, come on!
Nobody needs Alan.Copy !req
95. After the ratings
we got today,Copy !req
96. we don't need him,
either.Copy !req
97. I thought that if you could
come out and see her—Copy !req
98. why should I see her?Copy !req
99. I've got
enough problems.Copy !req
100. That's what
I'm talking about.Copy !req
101. Now, wait a minute.Copy !req
102. Lady, are you awareCopy !req
103. that you're the epitome
of the inept parentCopy !req
104. and that your felicityCopy !req
105. is the ultimate
problem child?Copy !req
106. Does that mean
you're not coming?Copy !req
107. Oh, on the contrary.Copy !req
108. I'm going to originate
good psychologyCopy !req
109. from your home every dayCopy !req
110. until little felicityCopy !req
111. is a fully functioning
little girl!Copy !req
112. We're making
a house call!Copy !req
113. You can't do that,
goetz!Copy !req
114. Good psychology beats
bad behavior every time!Copy !req
115. You're out of you depths, goetz.Copy !req
116. This lady needs a SWAT team
not an armchair radio shrink.Copy !req
117. I'm not an armchair shrink!Copy !req
118. Do you think a kid
did all this damage?Copy !req
119. Either that or
colonel qaddafi visited.Copy !req
120. But it doesn't matter.Copy !req
121. There isn't
a child in existence
that I can't help.Copy !req
122. Good psychology
beats bad behavior
every time.Copy !req
123. It better beat
rotten ratingsCopy !req
124. because management
isn't pleasedCopy !req
125. being held hostage
like this.Copy !req
126. Rona, why don't you
go home?Copy !req
127. I'd like to,
except you
can't be trusted.Copy !req
128. Oh, shit, anyone got
a pencil?Copy !req
129. It won't bite you.Copy !req
130. Alan doesn't trust
electricity.Copy !req
131. Makes sense for someone
who works on radio.Copy !req
132. Of all the stupid—
aah!Copy !req
133. Alan,
get out of the way!Copy !req
134. Alan,
get out of the way!Copy !req
135. Dr. goetz, it's you!Copy !req
136. You're really here.Copy !req
137. Did she get a shock
from the buzzer?Copy !req
138. I was
tinkering with it
a little while ago.Copy !req
139. I'm a very good
tinkerer.Copy !req
140. How good a lawyer
are you?Copy !req
141. Are you, uh, Nora?Copy !req
142. That's me—
felicity's mommy.Copy !req
143. Aah!Copy !req
144. Oh, hell. She's
doing it again.Copy !req
145. Felicity?Copy !req
146. Aah!Copy !req
147. Felicity, please stop.Copy !req
148. Please stop for mommy.Copy !req
149. Not in front of
our guests, darling.Copy !req
150. Aah!Copy !req
151. Mommy has your
favorite bubble gum.Copy !req
152. Stop! Are you rolling?Copy !req
153. Capitulation
with a bribeCopy !req
154. always reinforces
bad behavior.Copy !req
155. If I don't,
she'll hurt herself.Copy !req
156. The gum always works.Copy !req
157. But you don't understand.Copy !req
158. No. You
don't understand.Copy !req
159. Listen to the thuds...Copy !req
160. How she's picked
the softest spotCopy !req
161. that makes the biggest
amount of noise,Copy !req
162. the minimum
amount of pain,Copy !req
163. bringing
the biggest amount
of attention.Copy !req
164. Now, repeat after me.Copy !req
165. Ignore it,
ignore it, ignore it.Copy !req
166. Ignore it,
ignore it, ignore it.Copy !req
167. You see?Copy !req
168. Now she's learned
that you won't always comeCopy !req
169. when she calls.Copy !req
170. Bonnie, give me a book.Copy !req
171. Now, all you have to do
is read this.Copy !req
172. Inthe art
of ignoring your child,Copy !req
173. you'll find everything
you want to know.Copy !req
174. I'll even sign it for you.Copy !req
175. I already have it.Copy !req
176. My God,
she must haveCopy !req
177. every important
child psychology
book ever written.Copy !req
178. Mmm. She's even got
Max spitzmacher'sCopy !req
179. no fault discipline.Copy !req
180. He was very smart,
but he was wrong.Copy !req
181. Please. What could you
possibly know about it?Copy !req
182. I studied with him.Copy !req
183. He was a giant
in the field.Copy !req
184. Who are you
to criticize him?Copy !req
185. Well, I'm a mother,Copy !req
186. and in my opinion,Copy !req
187. Max spitzmacher was
an overrated teacherCopy !req
188. with no real experience
with problem children.Copy !req
189. Don't touch that!Copy !req
190. Sorry.
Friends of yours?Copy !req
191. That's felicity's daddy
with his commanding officer.Copy !req
192. He'll be home from the war
any day now.Copy !req
193. The war?Copy !req
194. Excuse me, but isn't
that commanding officerCopy !req
195. general Douglas macarthur?Copy !req
196. That's right.Copy !req
197. World war ii
Douglas macarthur?Copy !req
198. Nora...Copy !req
199. You know what
would be very nice?Copy !req
200. A pot of coffee.Copy !req
201. Dr. goetz
works a lot better
when he's buzzed.Copy !req
202. All right.Copy !req
203. But you all wait
right here.Copy !req
204. Well...
What do you think?Copy !req
205. It's uncharted
territory.Copy !req
206. We could do
a whole series
from here.Copy !req
207. The ratings would
go through the roof!Copy !req
208. You're as crazy
as she is.Copy !req
209. She couldn't possibly
have a little kid.Copy !req
210. What's up there is
a 40-year-old refugee
from some institution.Copy !req
211. Better yet,Copy !req
212. a milk-carton kid she
kidnapped at the safeway.Copy !req
213. This experiment is over.Copy !req
214. I'm calling the cops.Copy !req
215. I don't need youCopy !req
216. running around with
half-baked ideasCopy !req
217. about what's
going on here!Copy !req
218. Aah!Copy !req
219. Still think I'm half-baked?Copy !req
220. A look at the kid
wouldn't be a bad idea.Copy !req
221. In here.Copy !req
222. I can feel
the child's presence.Copy !req
223. Give me a break.Copy !req
224. Open the door.Copy !req
225. Ew.Copy !req
226. God, it smells like
grape bubble gum.Copy !req
227. Oh, God! It's all over
the floors.Copy !req
228. Felicity?Copy !req
229. It's on my shoes!Copy !req
230. Come on,
they're only shoes!Copy !req
231. These are
my Italian shoes!Copy !req
232. Freakin' kids,
I hate kids!Copy !req
233. Rona, please try and control
your maternal instincts.Copy !req
234. The faults are ignored.Copy !req
235. It's typical of older
mothers, really.Copy !req
236. Felicity?Copy !req
237. Felicity, where are you?Copy !req
238. Felicity!Copy !req
239. Felicity?Copy !req
240. Felicity?Copy !req
241. Felicity, where are you,
you little bitch?Copy !req
242. Aah!Copy !req
243. Aah!Copy !req
244. No! No!Copy !req
245. This situation doesn't
seem to be covered
in my book.Copy !req
246. Felicity!Copy !req
247. Aah!Copy !req
248. An electrified door knob, shit!Copy !req
249. God, are you all right?Copy !req
250. God, are you all right?Copy !req
251. Look, this is a big countryCopy !req
252. there are lots and lots
of radio stations.Copy !req
253. Radio stations much
better than this.Copy !req
254. What do you think, rona?Copy !req
255. Rona, where is she?Copy !req
256. Oh, that poor child.Copy !req
257. What are you doing?Copy !req
258. So I don't
get electrocuted.Copy !req
259. Holy shit!Copy !req
260. The woman's crazier
than I thought.Copy !req
261. Felicity, you're
a naughty child.Copy !req
262. Do you hear me?Copy !req
263. A naughty,
naughty child.Copy !req
264. Don't you get it?Copy !req
265. We're not dealing
with a real child.Copy !req
266. We're dealing
with a fantasy child.Copy !req
267. You mean this
collection of junk,Copy !req
268. this is felicity?Copy !req
269. Spitzmacher and I
once worked on a caseCopy !req
270. where the mother
actually dressedCopy !req
271. in the imaginary
child's clothes.Copy !req
272. Nora's
small enough to fit
into a child's clothing.Copy !req
273. It's entirely possibleCopy !req
274. that she's living
a complete double life.Copy !req
275. It's amazing.
It's simply amazing.Copy !req
276. Yes. A delusional matrix
that's taken years to build.Copy !req
277. Our audience will love
taking it apartCopy !req
278. day by day.Copy !req
279. Felicity?Copy !req
280. Oh, my God!Copy !req
281. What?Copy !req
282. What's the matter?Copy !req
283. Rona.Copy !req
284. You're still sureCopy !req
285. about good psychology
beating bad behavior?Copy !req
286. We'll discuss this
later.Copy !req
287. Let's get the hell
out of here!Copy !req
288. Aah! Damn it!
Locked!Copy !req
289. Let me out!Copy !req
290. Unlock this door
right now,Copy !req
291. you miserable
little monster!Copy !req
292. I can hear you
out there!Copy !req
293. Nora,
open the door!Copy !req
294. Open this
damn door!Copy !req
295. Alan, look!Copy !req
296. What is it?Copy !req
297. What is it?Copy !req
298. I wonder what's up there.Copy !req
299. I really don't
want to go up.Copy !req
300. Just think of the ratings.Copy !req
301. Shush!Copy !req
302. Shit, what the hell
do we do now?Copy !req
303. Ha ha ha.Copy !req
304. Nora?Copy !req
305. Is that you?Copy !req
306. Careful, Alan.
You might spook—Copy !req
307. who's the psychologist,
me or you?Copy !req
308. Nora...Copy !req
309. Let's talk.Copy !req
310. I can help you,
Nora.Copy !req
311. Yes, I can.Copy !req
312. Nora!Copy !req
313. Damn!Copy !req
314. You're supposed
to know about people!Copy !req
315. You know nothing!Copy !req
316. Bonnie, I swear,
when we get out of here,Copy !req
317. you're fired!Copy !req
318. You won't
have to fire me!
I quit!Copy !req
319. I'm tired
of your arrogance!Copy !req
320. It's not my arrogance!
It's your incompetence!Copy !req
321. Huh?Copy !req
322. Bonnie.Copy !req
323. Up above you.Copy !req
324. What?Copy !req
325. Bonnie.
Bonnie, look out!Copy !req
326. Aah!Copy !req
327. Dr. goetz.Copy !req
328. You thirsty?Copy !req
329. I need to hold the mug.Copy !req
330. Could you untie me please?Copy !req
331. I don't think that would
be such a good idea.Copy !req
332. I'm sorry about
felicity's behavior.Copy !req
333. I'm at my wits end with her.Copy !req
334. I'm at my wits end with her.Copy !req
335. Now you see why I need help.Copy !req
336. Now I think of it...Copy !req
337. There is a college of mine,
if I could just call him.Copy !req
338. Dr. goetz, you promised you
could make felicity better.Copy !req
339. Good psychology beats bad
behavior, you said.Copy !req
340. Now look here you sick bitch
if you don't untie me now!Copy !req
341. I'm going to pinch
your fucking head!Copy !req
342. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.Copy !req
343. I know you didn't,
you've had a rough day.Copy !req
344. Should I bring
felicity upCopy !req
345. after all she is
the patient?Copy !req
346. Ah, yes, that's a good idea.Copy !req
347. Little bit of love
therapy is in order.Copy !req
348. Good I'll go get her.Copy !req
349. Hi...Copy !req
350. Felicity.Copy !req
351. Your mummy says
you wanted to talk to me.Copy !req
352. She says you
haven't been feeling
very well lately.Copy !req
353. Is that true?Copy !req
354. Well, if you'd
come over here,Copy !req
355. sit on my lap,Copy !req
356. I think maybe I could
help you feel better.Copy !req
357. I think I could.Copy !req
358. I'd like to
help you feel better.Copy !req
359. You know, felicity,Copy !req
360. sometimes people
want us to be
what we aren't,Copy !req
361. and that makes us
very angry,Copy !req
362. but I just want you
to be little felicity white.Copy !req
363. I love you
just the way you are.Copy !req
364. Now, if you were
to untie my arm,Copy !req
365. I could give you a hug.Copy !req
366. Thank you.Copy !req
367. Now, here's
your love therapy.Copy !req
368. The only way
to beat bad behaviorCopy !req
369. is with worse behavior,
eh, Nora?Copy !req
370. I know it's you!Copy !req
371. Dr. goetz!Copy !req
372. Stop it!Copy !req
373. You ought to be ashamed
of yourself!Copy !req
374. Oh, come to mommy,
darling.Copy !req
375. I know what
you're thinking—Copy !req
376. I spoil her to death,Copy !req
377. and I suppose
you're right.Copy !req
378. Amazing, ain't she?Copy !req
379. Been dead 40 years,Copy !req
380. and she's still
busy as a bee.Copy !req
381. It's love
that keeps her going,Copy !req
382. but it's love
that hurts her, too.Copy !req
383. That's why you came.Copy !req
384. That's why
they all came.Copy !req
385. They?Copy !req
386. Dr. spitzmacher.Copy !req
387. He didn't knowCopy !req
388. what he was
talking about.Copy !req
389. None of them did.Copy !req
390. Not Dr. lasilsky,Copy !req
391. Dr. kassir,Copy !req
392. Dr. pascalumier.Copy !req
393. But I have faith
in you, Dr. goetz.Copy !req
394. I know
you can help us,Copy !req
395. me and my little
felicity.Copy !req
396. I guess
you and felicityCopy !req
397. should continue
getting acquainted,Copy !req
398. so I'll
leave you alone.Copy !req
399. I'll just
turn the radio on.Copy !req
400. Her favorite show
is on.Copy !req
401. Talk radio 99.Copy !req
402. It's 10:00.Copy !req
403. Ignore it.Copy !req
404. Ignore it.Copy !req
405. Ignore it.Copy !req
406. Ignore it.Copy !req
407. Ignore it.Copy !req
408. You'll be happy to knowCopy !req
409. that Dr. goetz
did get another radio show,Copy !req
410. though he was
much more careful this timeCopy !req
411. aboutscreaminghis calls.Copy !req
412. Ah ha ha ha!Copy !req
413. I'm feeling so much better.Copy !req
414. You were right doc.Copy !req
415. A little smotherly love
was all I needed.Copy !req
416. So until next time kiddies.Copy !req
417. I sending my shrink
to join the others.Copy !req
418. You know what they say.Copy !req
419. The morgue the merrier.Copy !req
420. Captioning made possible by
Warner bros.Copy !req
421. Captioned by the national
captioning institute
—www.Ncicap.Org—Copy !req
422. public performance of captions
prohibited without permission of
national captioning instituteCopy !req