Tales from the Crypt 4x6

Directed by Gilbert Adler

Bess Armstrong as Erma • Art LaFleur as Phil • Meat Loaf as Chumley • Judd Nelson as Gaston • Christopher Reeve as Fred

Fred and Erma are workers at a squid cafe who find themselves in trouble because their business is failing and their landlord will kick them out. That is until one of the employees encourages them to serve meat. Suddenly business is getting better. Gaston decides to double cross Fred and Erma but he ends getting invited for dinner ... but not in the way he expects. (with optional commentary by John Kassir in character as the Cryptkeeper, the episode's writer Alan Katz, and Tales From the Crypt chronicler Digby Diehl).

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ah ha ha ha!

2. Ah ha ha ha!

3. Next time a book a table for 8:00, Wolfgang

4. I expect to be seated at 8 o'clock.

5. A good wine.

6. Not a great wine.

7. But locally grown that's for sure.

8. Ha ha ha ha ha.

9. A pleasant enough bouquet.

10. Almost reminds me of a good scream Sherry.

11. Hee hee hee hee!

12. I hope you brought your appetite, kiddies,

13. because tonight's tasteless tidbit

14. is something I'm sure you'll savor.

15. It's a real epigoreandelight

16. about a nice young couple

17. who find the restaurant business

18. a little hard to swallow.

19. I call this adventure in finedying

20. what's cookin'.

21. I don't know, I don't know.

22. Maybe we need to expand the menu.

23. What about...

24. Squid kabob?

25. That could be interesting.

26. I got it, I got it—

27. squid on a stick.

28. Yeah.

29. Squid on a stick—

30. it's a finger food and takeaway food all in one.

31. Our troubles are over.

32. Squid on a stick will put us on the map.

33. Honey, if you bury that thing in my neck,

34. you'll wreck the blade.

35. It's an expensive cleaver. They don't make 'em anymore.

36. Squid on a stick is an even stupider idea

37. than owning a restaurant that only serves squid.

38. Remember what they told colonel Sanders in 1956—

39. "a chicken restaurant? You must be mad."

40. If that's madness, you can count me in.

41. Honey, we'll be

42. the baskin-Robbins of seafood.

43. I think

44. erma's onto something.

45. Squid is nice and all,

46. but maybe a little diversification

47. would be good.

48. Who asked you, gaston?

49. You're just a drifter. What do you know?

50. I know this much—

51. anybody can become a drifter

52. by selling what people don't want.

53. I have this recipe for barbecue—

54. barbecue, any idiot can do barbecue.

55. Not my barbecue.

56. I pay you to clean up. Just clean up, o.K.?

57. Hey, Phil.

58. Morning, Fred, erma.

59. Tough night?

60. Tough ain't the word.

61. Between the muggers and the killers

62. I'm getting to God damn old for this shit.

63. We got your squid sandwich coming right up.

64. No offense, but I couldn't stomach squid mcmuffin today.

65. Hey, Phil?

66. Let me guess. Squid?

67. Ha!

68. Hey,

69. I'm sorry for what Fred said before.

70. He's a visionary. I respect that.

71. What is a classy lady like you

72. doing with a guy like him?

73. Well, maybe it's like you said he's got a vision.

74. You ought to leave him

75. and come live with me. I've got vision, too.

76. Well, that's sweet, but, uh...

77. Thanks for the offer. I'll see you tomorrow.

78. Would you like me to walk you home?

79. No. I can take care of myself.

80. Besides, Fred's going to be home soon.

81. Bye.

82. Bye.

83. Mr. chumley. Hi.

84. Feel free to remind me if I'm wrong,

85. but last week, did we or did we not

86. have a conversation in which you agreed

87. you would deliver into my hands yesterday

88. the three months' back rent that you owe me?

89. Yes, sir, we did say something along those lines.

90. And what day is today?

91. Is today, yesterday?

92. No. Today is today.

93. And do you know how I know today is today?

94. Because if today were yesterday.

95. I'd have a check in my hands.

96. Mr. chumley business is picking up.

97. If you could find it in your heart to give me more time.

98. Can I get you something to eat?

99. No!

100. The only thing I want from you is my money.

101. I could write a check—

102. but you ain't got it.

103. No, sir.

104. I'm going to be back tomorrow with an eviction notice

105. and a new set of locks.

106. And a new set of locks.

107. One other tiny little thing—

108. you're one lousy cook.

109. You're one lousy cook.

110. You fat son of a bitch!

111. You can't do that!

112. Don't you go.

113. Oh!

114. Oh, my God, Mr. chumley, I'm sorry.

115. I don't know what happened.

116. Oh!

117. Mr. chumley?

118. Mr. chumley, are you all right?

119. I didn't mean it.

120. You're crazy!

121. I'm calling the cops!

122. Please, you don't understand.

123. Mr. chumley!

124. How the other half live.

125. Hi.

126. Hi.

127. Boy, you're sure in a good mood.

128. Are you wearing perfume?

129. Well, I was walking home and all of sudden I felt sexy.

130. You're home late.

131. What kept you?

132. What's the matter?

133. Mr. chumley stopped by today after you left.

134. Oh, no!

135. No. It's not as bad as you think.

136. Really, now listen to me.

137. You still have a little room left

138. on one of your credit cards, right?

139. Right? So...

140. We take some of that money

141. and we buy a whole ton of pork.

142. It's the other white meat.

143. Oh, shut up!

144. Fred!

145. You should think about keeping us off the street not in debt.

146. I've given you everything I have and nothing to show for it.

147. Well, what am I suppose to do?

148. I don't know how to give up.

149. Look, if you were to say right now

150. that you never wanted to see me again,

151. I'd understand.

152. All I can say is...

153. I'm sorry.

154. You're not going to get rid of me that easily.

155. I married you for richer or for poorer.

156. Besides, you owe me a shit load of money.

157. I think I'm going to cry.

158. I'll make us some coffee.

159. There's no point in doing that, gaston.

160. We're being evicted.

161. Fred 'n' erma's is history.

162. This is terrible.

163. This is terrible.

164. Hey, Phil.

165. What a night.

166. I'm so damn hungry,

167. I could actually eat a squid sandwich.

168. We're only serving coffee today.

169. Don't you have any eggs or something?

170. We may have a couple left.

171. And steaks?

172. Steak and eggs sounds great.

173. Uh,

174. I didn't want to say anything.

175. I thought you'd say not to.

176. You know that barbecue idea I was talking about?

177. Well, I took the initiative

178. and spoke with this supplier who gave me a good deal.

179. I hope you're not angry with me.

180. I ain't angry, I'm starved.

181. Grill that baby.

182. I hope you like it, officer. It's specially cured.

183. It's an old family recipe.

184. God, that smells good.

185. Even the coffee tastes better.

186. Hey, Fred?

187. Your landlord's named chumley, right?

188. Uh-huh. Why?

189. We found his car and his empty wallet.

190. What happened?

191. Don't know. Looked like a hell of a struggle, though—

192. blood all over the place.

193. Blood? Is he dead?

194. Don't know.

195. There was no body.

196. We only know he never made it home.

197. Judging from the car, if he's walking around,

198. it's a miracle.

199. Don't overcook that, erma. I like it rare.

200. Whatever's cooking on that grill smells incredible.

201. Throw one on for me.

202. Make that two.

203. Make that two.

204. Ladies...

205. Here you go.

206. Gaston, can I have a word with you, please?

207. That's Mr. chumley's handkerchief.

208. Where did you get it?

209. He gave it to me.

210. You're lying.

211. I can't believe you.

212. I do you a favor, and you call me a liar.

213. I do you a favor, and you call me a liar.

214. There's your steak.

215. Hope you like it.

216. Mmm. That's incredible.

217. I can't believe what you said about Mr. chumley.

218. This city's turning into a sewer.

219. I'll tell you, makes early retirement look better and better.

220. If only I could find something else to do with myself.

221. Mmm.

222. Throw one on for me.

223. Hey, gaston...

224. Is this all the steak there is?

225. No. There's more in the freezer.

226. Could you bring some out front?

227. Sure thing.

228. I'm sorry, gaston.

229. I don't mean to accuse you of anything.

230. It's o.K., man. I understand.

231. Hey, gaston, we got people waiting.

232. Fred, will you hold this door open?

233. Yeah. Sure.

234. You killed Mr. chumley!

235. Gee, Fred, you make it sound so ugly.

236. You killed Mr. chumley!

237. Yes. O.K., I killed him.

238. Just hold that door open.

239. Gaston, Fred, where are you?

240. We've got customers!

241. He'll be right out there, erma.

242. Fred, get a grip.

243. It's a dog eat dog world out there.

244. And we're all just different flavors of alpo.

245. Hey, don't keep the door open long he'll spoil.

246. Oh, I don't know what the recipe is, but that brilliant.

247. Thank you.

248. We must have made $1,500 today.

249. Oh, wow.

250. So this is what the restaurant business is like.

251. What's wrong?

252. Well, you know, it's just...

253. You don't like making money?

254. Gaston, you're a genius.

255. How'd a guy like you

256. ever end up on the streets?

257. You know how it is— a run of bad luck.

258. I'm getting some steaks out of the freezer.

259. No, no. Um, I'll do it.

260. Why don't you put the chairs on the table?

261. You and me got to talk.

262. Yeah, you're damn right we got to talk.

263. This has got to... Stop.

264. I'm going to call the cops.

265. And what will you say, Fred?

266. I killed your landlord because you owed him money?

267. There's not much motive in that.

268. Besides, you're the one who cut him last night.

269. There were witnesses—

270. those guys that live on the street.

271. I wasn't even the one that cooked him.

272. Your wife did that.

273. So, you're going to keep your mouth shut...

274. Aren't you... Partner?

275. Partner?

276. 50-50.

277. That sounds fair to me.

278. I supply the meat.

279. All you do is cook it

280. however many ways you want.

281. I've got a little surprise.

282. I've been saving this

283. for the day we had something to celebrate.

284. I'd almost given up.

285. I'll put it on some ice.

286. No! Uh, no.

287. Mmm, honey, um, I'm really tired.

288. We've been here all day.

289. Why don't we go out and celebrate, o.K.?

290. Fred, what's the matter with you?

291. Maybe he had a vision.

292. Fred, dick swartsburg, just ordered seconds.

293. He's the restaurant critic for the daily bugle.

294. Do you know what that means?

295. It means we're a hit.

296. It means he loves us.

297. Really.

298. You see, Fred, it's your dream come true.

299. We are all going to be filthy rich.

300. Yeah, I... Guess we are.

301. Mmm.

302. Hey, you know, that's not bad.

303. Mmm. That is actually damn good.

304. Mmm! Yes! Yes! We are going to be rich!

305. Here you go, rare and juicy like you ordered.

306. Thank you.

307. Phil, how you doing? The usual?

308. My wife wants to know why I never eat at home.

309. If she cooked like you guys, I'd never leave.

310. Hey, we got a break on your landlord.

311. There was this metal

312. in the blood sample we took—

313. a very unusual alloy.

314. It came from a knife brand not made anymore.

315. We're checking the company's records,

316. see who bought it.

317. We'll I.D. The killer any day now.

318. 55, 56, 57.

319. $7,857.

320. We'd better start thinking about expanding.

321. I've got to go tell Fred.

322. Almost $8,000.

323. Ha ha ha! That is our best day yet.

324. What's eating you?

325. Don't say that, you hear me?

326. Don't say that!

327. I don't get you. I...

328. I'm going home.

329. Pal, you're overreacting.

330. You heard what Phil said.

331. We've had it!

332. Maybe we'll put Phil on the menu.

333. He's a cop, for Christ's sake!

334. Why don't you go home? I'll clean up.

335. No! I got to think.

336. Suit yourself.

337. There's got to be a way out of this.

338. See you tomorrow.

339. I didn't mean to frighten you.

340. Can I come in for a minute?

341. Why?

342. I'm worried about Fred.

343. Well, that makes two of us.

344. I don't know what's wrong.

345. I do.

346. He's feeling guilty.

347. Erma...

348. I don't know how to tell you this.

349. It's Fred.

350. He's been killing people.

351. What?

352. It's too horrible.

353. This whole secret recipe thing,

354. it's Fred's idea. It's not mine.

355. Are... Are you telling me

356. that we've been—

357. that's why he stays late at the restaurant.

358. I saw him when he killed Mr. chumley.

359. I promised to keep his secret,

360. but I'm scared for him.

361. He knows the cops are onto him.

362. He said he'd kill himself. He took your gun.

363. Oh, no.

364. Oh, my God!

365. I'll go back to try and stop him.

366. You call farley and tell him to hurry there.

367. Erma, it's going to be o.K.

368. Erma, it's going to be o.K.

369. Fred? You here?

370. Back here, gaston.

371. Back here, gaston.

372. Aah!

373. Aah!

374. As usual, we'll do things my way.

375. I say you're going to blow your freaking brains out.

376. Murder-suicide plays much better—

377. the distraught couple, the cops closing in.

378. They were arguing, officer, when I got here.

379. It was horrible.

380. She picked up a cleaver, and he fired.

381. God!

382. You said that Fred was going to kill himself using my gun.

383. Fred knows I never put bullets in my gun.

384. Nope, never. I won't let her.

385. Thanks for the call.

386. Now, what are we going to do with him?

387. I don't know. He has a big mouth.

388. I say he dies.

389. Officer!

390. Officer! Officer! Thank God you made it.

391. Here are the killers.

392. They killed chumley,

393. and who knows who else?

394. Yeah, yeah, what to do, what to do?

395. What do you mean?

396. Arrest them!

397. I could,

398. but, you see...

399. I've developed this taste.

400. What?

401. And this would solve my early retirement problem—

402. something to do with myself.

403. Farley's flame-broiled sound o.K. To you guys?

404. Sounds pretty good to me, Phil.

405. What do you think, erma?

406. I think it sounds

407. downright mouth-watering, Fred.

408. Then fire it up.

409. I'm starving.

410. It's already hot.

411. No! No! No! No!

412. I suppose it's a little too late for gaston to save face.

413. Talk about afleshin the pan!

414. I guess that's what happens

415. when youbutchermoney where your mouth is.

416. As for me, kiddies, I say it's time for taps.

417. Mmm.

418. Till next time, restaurateurin peace.

419. Captioning made possible by Warner bros.

420. Captioned by the national captioning institute —www.Ncicap.Org—

421. public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute