Superstore 6x9

1. - So turns out that very aggressive redhead

2. who came in yesterday was not Carrot Top.

3. - I know.

4. We've reviewed the tape several times

5. and can't in good conscious call it a match.

6. - I'm sorry, guys.

7. I guess I just saw what I wanted to see.

8. - But he posed for so many photos with me.

9. - Next up, we're running short on reusable bags.

10. - Oh, we can just use the ones under Mateo's eyes.

11. Oh!

12. - Savage. - Mm...

13. - Are you guys still beefing?

14. I'm honestly impressed with the commitment.

15. - Now, we've noticed some of your masks are getting dingy.

16. Cheyenne will be handing out new protective equipment.

17. - Based on her history,

18. I wouldn't trust Cheyenne with protection.

19. Oh!

20. - Damn.

21. - I may be a teen mom, but at least I don't look

22. like someone put a Pixar character

23. into a microwave.

24. Oh!

25. - Well, you'd be DreamWorks, bitch.

26. Oh!

27. - Savage. - Please stop.

28. - I have to open early, so let's just stick

29. to one round tonight.

30. Oh, and make sure to text the group chain

31. when you arrive.

32. - Are we sure that Brian needs to know the exact time

33. that we're having sex?

34. - Hey, successful polyamory

35. requires complete, constant communication.

36. Speaking of, I read your postcoital report

37. from last night.

38. You didn't fill in emotional state.

39. - Hungry and sleepy, that's usually where I'm at.

40. - Hey, Dina, we got a problem at the registers.

41. - They're not accepting coupons. - Didn't you get that email?

42. We're only accepting digital coupons now.

43. - What?

44. - Zephra's just updating things a little.

45. - It seems crazy to change something that's working.

46. - The horse and buggy was working.

47. It seemed crazy to stop using that,

48. but then they developed the car, and—

49. Well, that destroyed the planet.

50. That's a bad example.

51. - Excuse me, do you have gay iPad cases?

52. - Uh, yeah, in electronics. - Have a heavenly day.

53. - Wait, you didn't hear about that either?

54. - What? - Oh, today is fun for me.

55. Zephra's asking that we no longer

56. use the term "heavenly day." - What?

57. - Yeah, there was a memo. - They feel it's a little loaded.

58. - Yeah, yeah, it's loaded with kindness!

59. It's the same thing as saying "have a nice day"

60. or "have a good day." - Great.

61. - Then say one of those instead. - To the customers?

62. I might as well give 'em the middle finger.

63. - You were killing it this morning.

64. When you said that protection thing

65. to Cheyenne, I legit peed a little,

66. - and not even that little. - Well, thanks.

67. Although, credit should really go to Cheyenne

68. for not being able to keep it in her pants.

69. - What the hell? - Oh, whoops.

70. I don't know how that unflattering photo of you

71. ended up on all these screens.

72. Let me change it.

73. He looks like one of those little boy-band boys!

74. - At the time, that was the best hair you could have.

75. - Uh-huh. - Okay.

76. Do you guys know every time you see Cheyenne

77. hanging around the cell phone kiosk,

78. it's 'cause that's where she goes to fart.

79. - Ew.

80. - Blowing up my fart spot is messed up.

81. - You're messed up. - Whoa, this is intense.

82. - Okay, let's get really real about Cheyenne.

83. - Well, it happened. - Nina dumped me.

84. - Oh, no, really? - Damn it, I'm so sorry.

85. - You guys were just at the Cheesecake Factory,

86. like, three weeks ago.

87. You looked so happy.

88. - Guys?

89. Getting really real about Cheyenne.

90. - Hey, it'll be okay. - Guys?

91. - I'm really sorry. - Guys?

92. - Also all noise-canceling headphones are on sale.

93. Protect your ears from Mateo's screechy,

94. tone-deaf, Celine wannabe—

95. - Uh, I think Cheyenne might've slipped another one in there.

96. - Yep, yep, I just kind of go to autopilot on these.

97. Sorry, guys, not a real announcement.

98. Employee beef.

99. - Man, those two are pissed at each other.

100. This is bigger than our "Dune" fight.

101. - What's a "Dune" fight?

102. - When we were roommates, remember?

103. I came home, and you and Randy were watching

104. the director's cut of "Dune" without me,

105. even though I specifically said that I wanted to.

106. - I mean, I remember watching "Dune" with Randy,

107. - but you were there? - No, no.

108. That's why I was so pissed, remember?

109. And then to get you back, I made six branzinos

110. and stunk up the place.

111. - That's why you did that?

112. I thought you were just premaking

113. your meals for the workweek.

114. - You thought I was gonna eat

115. a branzino every day for a week?

116. - I don't monitor your fish intake.

117. - Do you seriously not remember?

118. That was, like, our first big fight.

119. But whatever. No bigs.

120. - Hey, guys, I need some computer help.

121. I'm trying to email my friend Gary

122. at Cloud 9 corporate, you know, about them making us

123. say, "have a non-heavenly day."

124. - Oh, I'm not sure that's what they were going for.

125. I think they're just trying to play it safe, you know,

126. 'cause some people don't believe in Heaven.

127. - Anyway, every time I email him,

128. I keep getting this weird message back

129. from a mailer demon.

130. - Oh, that just means a demon ate your friend Gary's soul.

131. - What? - No, it's mailer-daemon.

132. It means that the email doesn't exist anymore.

133. I'm sure there was a whole bunch of reshuffling

134. at corporate when Zephra took over.

135. - So no more Gary, no more Heaven,

136. just more computers and demons.

137. - Well, if it bothers you, I'm sure you could find

138. somebody else to contact at Zephra.

139. - Yeah, you know, do a little research.

140. - Find out who the new Gary is. - I guess.

141. But if they think they're gonna improve on Gary,

142. they're nuts.

143. The man was perfect.

144. 5'9", brown hair, you name it.

145. - That does sound perfect.

146. - You're 5'8". - Same difference.

147. - So you didn't see it coming at all?

148. - No, I always expected her to kill me,

149. not to break up with me.

150. - Well, if you ever need a quick pick-me-up or whatever,

151. you have my number.

152. - Yes, you've been very clear. - Thank you.

153. - Oh, my God, did the janitor quit?

154. Because there's a huge pile of garbage at that table.

155. Get it? Talking about Mateo.

156. - Can you—Shh! - We're trying to help Sayid.

157. - Well, Cheyenne's the one who needs help.

158. She's got less brains— - Guys.

159. Can you take it outside?

160. Life is railing Sayid right now.

161. - Okay, I guess.

162. What were you gonna say? Less brains than a what?

163. - Honestly, I'm glad they cut me off.

164. I think it was gonna be racist.

165. - Okay, it's your turn to field coupon complaints.

166. They're getting feisty out there.

167. An old man shook his cane at me—

168. flirtatiously at first, but then it got mean.

169. - I'm sorry.

170. Just—I started doing some research,

171. and I came across this article, "The Truth About Zephra."

172. I think there's some fishy business going on.

173. - Oh, like tax evasion, offshore banking?

174. What are we talking here?

175. - You know how everyone's pushing this 5G?

176. Well, turns out 5 is the worst of the Gs.

177. They say that it hits your brain

178. at a certain frequency

179. that lets them control human behavior.

180. - You think Zephra's involved in mind control?

181. Okay, that's enough screen time for you.

182. - No, it's not that I believe in mind control,

183. but they are trying to control how we greet customers.

184. - Glenn, enough.

185. This is why old people shouldn't be allowed

186. on the Internet.

187. - I don't trust Zephra either.

188. I've learned some stuff.

189. - You ready to wake up? - Well, I am awake.

190. Not yet.

191. - Oh, hey, skank.

192. Why are you stocking? Did you finally get demoted?

193. - No, I'm covering for Sarah.

194. Nina texted Sayid that she had HPV

195. the whole time they were dating,

196. so a bunch of people took him out for ice cream.

197. - Mm, he's so lucky. - I know.

198. I don't get it.

199. I mean, we're, like, way more interesting

200. - than some dumped guy. - Well, I am.

201. But you're like an Iggy Azalea wannabe five years too late.

202. - Okay, that just felt like nothing.

203. - Yeah, it's not as fun without anyone watching.

204. - Right?

205. - I feel like we could get their attention back

206. if we just up our game a little.

207. - Yeah, we need something splashy, something grabby.

208. - Oh, exactly.

209. - God, I am craving ice cream so bad right now.

210. - Me too. - Should we go get some?

211. - Yeah, but you can't use my punch card, 'cause you suck.

212. - Good. - I wouldn't want to, dick.

213. Ooh, we should get clown sundaes.

214. - Yeah, we totally should. - Okay.

215. - Hey, Marcus, can you tell Glenn

216. what you told me about Zephra?

217. What?

218. I didn't say anything about Zephra,

219. and if you heard something, it definitely wasn't from me

220. Marcus White.

221. Now, about Zephra. What were you thinking?

222. Who do you think is the one— Hold on, sorry.

223. It's actually super distracting.

224. We'll just talk quietly.

225. - Okay, so I read something online

226. about how Zephra is trying to control our minds.

227. - It's all true, and there's videos to prove it.

228. Just Google "Zephra mind control

229. guy goes nuts at Red Lobster."

230. - Marcus told me all about it

231. 'cause of this weird thing that's been happening.

232. Like, I've been shopping online for a new mouthwash.

233. Then I came to work, and I got a notification on my phone

234. with a digital coupon for SuperCloud mouthwash.

235. - So that's what the digital coupons are about?

236. - Yep, then after I used that one,

237. they sent me more coupons,

238. so I kept buying the mouthwash just like they wanted me to.

239. - Okay, but, actually, I'm just trying to find out

240. why they won't let us say "have a heavenly day."

241. - Well, of course they don't want that,

242. 'cause guess who their god is.

243. - A fat baby? - What?

244. No, that's my nephew. He's my lock screen.

245. - I meant the phone—technology. - Oh.

246. - When you think about it, the Zephra app

247. tracks your location and times your break.

248. So, in a way, they've been controlling us.

249. - That's true. - Yeah, and riddle me this.

250. What's with that room in the back

251. - marked "Zephra personnel only"? - What?

252. - What's with it? - Exactly.

253. No one here knows because we're not allowed back there,

254. which means...

255. that's where it's all happening.

256. - Where what's happening?

257. - Exactly.

258. - Hey, I was hoping to return this.

259. I don't know if you remember, but I was in here

260. a couple months ago.

261. - Oh, yeah, no, the car cell phone holder.

262. You had a Kia Optima, right?

263. I thought this would've worked out for you.

264. - It did, but I totaled the Optima

265. in an illegal street race.

266. I know the return window is probably over, but—

267. - Nah, man, I'll hook you up. - No worries.

268. Your last name was Dinkins, right?

269. - Are you kidding me?

270. You don't remember our fight, but you remember—

271. all due respect, Mr. Dinkins—

272. the most random, boring guy I've ever seen in my life?

273. - Wow, okay, that was rude.

274. Sorry about that, but he's just going through some stuff.

275. - What I'm going through, Mr. Dinkins,

276. is someone who I thought was my close friend

277. not remembering a pivotal moment

278. in our friendship, which makes me wonder

279. if we were even friends in the first place.

280. - Okay, and that's on the card

281. with the last four digits 5-8-7-6?

282. - You remember his credit card number?

283. - It's on the receipt. - That makes sense.

284. - What the hell are you doing? - Well-

285. Don't you think it's weird

286. that we don't have access to this room?

287. - We're the managers. - Oh, God.

288. You're still on this Zephra is evil kick?

289. Come on, we don't need to go in there.

290. - I'm sure it's just tech stuff. - Perhaps.

291. But, you know, Marcus and Sandra think—

292. - Now you're listening to Marcus and Sandra?

293. You guys are like the Three Stooges

294. if Curly was Hawaiian.

295. Well, actually, I don't know for a fact that he wasn't.

296. - Wait, what if Zephra is already controlling your mind

297. and you don't even know it?

298. - Glenn, I promise you Zephra is not controlling my mind.

299. - Yeah, but they might be making you say that.

300. - Okay, would they make me say this?

301. Zephra is an inferior company.

302. Their tablets barely hold a charge.

303. - Yes, because they want you to convince me

304. that they're not making you say things.

305. - The fact that you think they're controlling your mind

306. is proof that they're not controlling your mind

307. because they wouldn't want you to be aware that—

308. What am I doing?

309. Effective immediately, there will be no more talk

310. about conspiracy theories.

311. - Well, there goes my afternoon.

312. What's this about?

313. - Some people think

314. that Zephra's maybe trying to control our minds,

315. but they're not, you know, even if it seems like they are

316. because of what they're making us say and do.

317. - Okay, it doesn't matter what it seems like,

318. because we're no longer gonna entertain

319. talking about these crackpot theories.

320. - Okay, now, hang on, 'cause often these ideas

321. become stronger when people feel shamed or marginalized.

322. All right, let's talk this out.

323. Why do we think Zephra controls minds?

324. - 5G, it's bad stuff.

325. - I did hear it makes birds kill themselves.

326. - How does a bird kill itself? - Just stops flapping.

327. - That's dumb. - There's no Zephra conspiracy.

328. - Oh, interesting, an opposing viewpoint.

329. - But the moon landing, now, that was a big lie.

330. - I'll tell you what's a big lie—

331. love.

332. - Don't you dare give up on love.

333. - Cody's right— they could have easily doctored

334. the moon landing footage, just like they show us photos

335. where the Earth looks round when it's definitely flat.

336. - And we got there. - You're right, Jonah.

337. This is so much better than just shutting it down.

338. - No, you know what, Dina? - It can be.

339. Marcus, let's talk this out.

340. I think that the Earth is round

341. - because of science. - Ugh.

342. - Like, if you stand on a dock and you watch ships sail away,

343. they eventually disappear over the horizon.

344. - You've done that?

345. Put on your little peacoat and stood on a dock for hours

346. until ships disappear?

347. - Well, I mean, scientists have.

348. - But you haven't because you're afraid

349. of what you would find out.

350. - Just like we might be afraid of what we'd find

351. in the Zephra-only room, which is probably nothing

352. so we should just blindly trust Zephra

353. - and get back to work. - Okay, okay.

354. "Leading scientist admits Earth is flat."

355. Right there on truthwarriors1.biz.

356. Refute that. I dare you.

357. - I'm telling you they would freak out.

358. - I don't know.

359. Would people actually believe

360. that I put bees in your sandwich?

361. I mean, like, where do we even get a bunch of dead bees?

362. - I think we just use raisins, and I sell it.

363. - Well, I feel like we need

364. to do something more, like, emotional.

365. - Yeah, you're right.

366. It's probably why this whole Sayid break-up thing

367. is popping.

368. What if we had a big public blowout,

369. you know, and we dropped some major bombs?

370. - Okay, yeah, what if you come at me like,

371. "I know what you did!" - Okay.

372. And then you'd be like, "And I know you were

373. "only friends with me to get close to Bo

374. because you're in love with him."

375. - Do you see how I moved the story forward?

376. - Mm-hmm.

377. - Yours was just, like, attitude, which is fine.

378. - Yeah, ooh, and then it could come out

379. that you're Harmonica's real father.

380. - So her parents are me and Bo?

381. - Yeah, imagine how pissed I'd be.

382. - Let's not commit to anything just yet,

383. but we should definitely jot some ideas down.

384. - Hey, man, did you text Randy? - Well, I tried to.

385. I asked him if he remembered me being mad

386. when I came home that night, but I just got

387. a "sorry, wrong number" text.

388. - Yeah, you texted him 12 times in 3 minutes.

389. He texted you that so you would stop.

390. - Oh, okay, so then he's obviously

391. - still feeling bad about it. - Feeling bad?

392. No, Randy does not remember, okay?

393. Randy barely even remembers watching "Dune."

394. Randy smokes a lot of weed. Leave him alone.

395. - Okay, fine, but I'm not gonna apologize

396. for caring, okay?

397. You're an important person in my life, Garrett.

398. A lot of men are scared to say things like that,

399. but not me.

400. I'll tell you exactly how much you mean to me

401. - to your face. - Please don't.

402. - Too late. - I'm already doing it.

403. I value your taste in music.

404. - Okay? - Oh, boy.

405. - Sometimes I save screenshots of texts that you send me.

406. - What, why would you do that? - I don't know.

407. To—to revisit them and laugh or to send them back to you

408. at the perfect moment, like June 12, 2018—

409. Eye roll, "I'm never getting married."

410. You think I'm not gonna throw that back at you

411. at your wedding?

412. - So Bo went away with you that weekend?

413. I thought his grandmother died.

414. - Foolish girl, she's alive and well.

415. - Nana's in on it, too. - So they're still beefing?

416. - Oh, yeah, they're going at it.

417. - It's savage. - I don't believe it.

418. - Well, believe this.

419. Bo and I have a deeper connection

420. than you'll ever have!

421. This whole time, I thought that you were my friend,

422. but really you were only using me to get to Bo!

423. - Yes, it was the ultimate betrayal.

424. - Oh, my God, what they're saying—

425. it's written— it's written here.

426. I got to tell Marcus and Sandra.

427. - What? - "Ultimate betrayal."

428. Wait a minute, did you guys write this out ahead of time?

429. Is this fake?

430. - What? - No, you're crazy.

431. I absolutely slept with Bo

432. in his grandmother's meth bungalow.

433. - This is ridiculous. - Whatever.

434. - Wait, no, come on, you guys, we're fighting.

435. - Yeah, we just jotted down a couple of bullet points.

436. Okay, this is way more interesting

437. than some nobody getting dumped.

438. - Ooh. - Whoa.

439. - Well, I'd rather be a nobody

440. than a couple of Impossible Burgers,

441. 'cause all I'm seeing here is some imitation beef.

442. - Oh, imitation beef! - Too funny.

443. - Oh, that's funny, Sayid. - Oh, come on.

444. You don't think he wrote that down?

445. We got to get in there before it's too late.

446. - What is wrong with you? - Dina, you don't understand.

447. Zephra has Mateo and Cheyenne, every single word they say.

448. - Whoa.

449. - Right, whoa? - You bet your ass whoa.

450. These are the mind-control machines.

451. - Are you sure? - Totally.

452. Close your eyes and picture a room

453. full of mind-control machines.

454. What do they look like?

455. - They look like this! - Jesus, people.

456. This is just... tech stuff!

457. You know, you've got your basic blinking lights.

458. The blues, the greens, the yellow.

459. I mean, that's not common, but it's still in the bounds.

460. - Yeah, I'm sorry. - You're right.

461. This is all completely normal.

462. - Freedom! - What?

463. - Okay, no, stop. - Let him work, Dina.

464. - I don't want to hurt you. - No, Dina.

465. - Red pill, Keanu! - Marcus, enough!

466. - "Abre los ojos"!

467. - Ugh.

468. - Connection interrupted.

469. - Network error. - Network error.

470. - I think we did it.

471. - Thank you for your patience.

472. We did have a malfunction...

473. in some of our employees brains,

474. but we're almost back up and running.

475. - Okay, the servers are reset, and the registers

476. should be back online in a minute.

477. - Hey, you're not gonna report this

478. back to corporate, are you?

479. - Well, I do have to file an incident report.

480. - Okay, well, you know, just be sure to put

481. that it was an accident and that I love Zephra

482. and that the only secret I think they're keeping

483. is how they're able to sell such great products

484. at such affordable prices,

485. and I bet the answer's good, not, like, child labor.

486. - And I accept full responsibility.

487. I, Cheyenne Lee, of 1280 Raymond Street.

488. - I'm really sorry. - I guess I just got confused.

489. - Look, you're like the old paper coupons.

490. You were kind of a nuisance but arguably served a purpose,

491. and now you're useless, but— - But?

492. - Oh, carrot cake Oreos are back.

493. That's fun.

494. - So, uh, what do we think of Havarti cheese?

495. I don't know.

496. - It's a cheese. - All right.

497. You know what, man? This needs to stop.

498. You're over here playing the victim,

499. but you don't even remember

500. all the times that you hurt my feelings.

501. - Oh, yeah, what did I do,

502. rank the "Predator" movies wrong?

503. - No, but there was one time

504. I told you I was gonna make dinner.

505. I went all out.

506. I went to, like, three different grocery stores,

507. and then you just texted me and told me

508. you were having dinner with Amy.

509. Totally forgot about it.

510. - Oh, well, why didn't you say anything?

511. - Because why bring something up

512. just to make your friend feel bad?

513. - Garrett, I-I feel terrible. - I don't even remember.

514. - Huh, it's funny how that happens, huh?

515. - This is good.

516. This is the communication that we need, you know?

517. This is—this is good for us.

518. Havarti, great cheese on a sandwich,

519. but it's got kind of a creamy body,

520. and so if you're gonna be putting it on the sandwich,

521. it needs to be layered with maybe a crunch—

522. - We'll get into this later.

523. - Hey, buddy.

524. You thinking about buying a sled?

525. - I don't know. - Maybe the sled will buy me.

526. I don't know how anything works here anymore.

527. - Oh, Glenn, should you be drinking that

528. - with your diabetes? - No!

529. - I don't know why we work so hard

530. to impress these people.

531. Employees at a Nordstrom would have eaten this up.

532. - Plus, everyone should just chill the F out.

533. Like, Sayid's gonna get a new girlfriend

534. in two seconds.

535. He's, like, a major fox.

536. - Thank you. - I've been saying that.

537. - He's, like, sneaky sexy. - Mm-hmm.

538. - Once he came to pick up his paycheck in shorts,

539. and I literally had to excuse myself.

540. - Oh, you're talking about the blue cutoffs.

541. - Ooh, I remember those. - Oh, my God.

542. - So we should go on Hinge and catfish Nina, right?

543. You read my mind.

544. Let's convince her to cut all her hair off.

545. - Glenn, you're not quitting. - I don't know.

546. It's all changing on me.

547. This isn't the company I signed up to work for

548. after they drove my family hardware store

549. out of business.

550. - Well, that doesn't mean that you should quit,

551. unless you want to quit, in which case I do have

552. a resignation letter prewritten for you.

553. You'd just need to sign and date it.

554. - Okay, look, there's a lot of new stuff

555. getting thrown at you right now,

556. and—and, yes, of course it's gonna be difficult to adapt,

557. but you're gonna be okay— you've got this.

558. - Jonah, thank you for believing in me.

559. But you're wrong. I hate to adapt.

560. - Dina, go get that letter. - On it.

561. - Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.

562. We just got another memo from Zephra,

563. and it says we can say "heavenly day" again.

564. - Well, I didn't get that memo.

565. Must've been when the servers went down.

566. - Turns out that corporate got Glenn's email after all,

567. and it totally changed their minds.

568. - It did? - You know what?

569. I-I saw that memo, too. Good job, Glenn.

570. - Thank you.

571. - I keep refreshing, but there's nothing.

572. - What time was it sent? - Don't know, Dina.

573. But what I do know is we can say "have a heavenly day" now,

574. and that's a great thing

575. because that means we don't have to go crazy.

576. - Oh, oh, yes.

577. Now that you say that,

578. I realize I have also received and read that email.

579. - I guess this old dog's

580. got a little fight left in him, huh?

581. Who's doing the mind control now?

582. Well, I hope you all have a heavenly day.

583. - That memo was fake, right? - 100%.

584. - Oh, I'm just gonna double-check

585. that I am on the email list.

586. - Nice job.

587. - Yep, sometimes people just need to hear the right lie

588. - to move on with their lives. - Hmm.

589. But—but not with me.

590. That happened, right, the dinner?

591. That wasn't just a lie I needed to hear?

592. - Later.