Superstore 3x4

1. - Hey!

2. What are you— what are you doing?

3. - Um, just some stuff.

4. - No, you were— you're trying to rob the store.

5. - Yeah.

6. - Well, you—put it back.

7. - Uh, I don't think I'm gonna.

8. - Wh—well, I caught you, so, y-you have to.

9. - Um, I don't think I do.

10. - But th— that's how this works.

11. No, don't just—no. Don't take more.

12. - Do you have a gun?

13. - No! - Maybe.

14. Maybe I do.

15. - Uh, I-I don't think you do.

16. - Well, I don't think you do, so, you know, it's a tie.

17. What do you think about that?

18. - Okay. - Excuse me.

19. - Oh. - Wait!

20. No, no, no, no! No, he—no.

21. - Who is that? - He's a stealer—

22. uh, thief. He's a thief.

23. - You can run, but you can't hide!

24. - Jonah, call the police! - Right.

25. - Look who's grounded now.

26. Jonah, I just did a "Law & Order" type zinger.

27. Oh, he's calling the police.

28. - Not on my watch, buddy.

29. I saw immediately it was a 487 in progress.

30. The perp appeared to be unarmed.

31. I did not see him violate my colleague, however,

32. he could have violated him before I arrived on the scene.

33. - Is that what happened? - No, he did not violate me.

34. - Well, you just had such a shameful look on your face

35. when I showed up.

36. I don't know what he could have done to you beforehand,

37. but it is not your fault if he touched you.

38. - Okay, okay. - Nothing happened.

39. All right? I caught him stealing.

40. End of story.

41. - And you made no attempt to stop him?

42. - No, I mean, I told him to stop,

43. but he didn't.

44. And then he asked me to move and just took off.

45. - Wait, I'm sorry.

46. He asked you to move out of the way so he could leave

47. with the cash, and you just did it?

48. - He—well—he said, "Excuse me," you know?

49. So it was for of, like, a reflex.

50. - Oh, wow.

51. - What is going on in this neighborhood?

52. We got robbed, Home Depot got robbed,

53. that weird store that only makes copies got robbed.

54. - I'm scared to even walk to my car alone at night.

55. - That is why everyone gets a rape whistle.

56. - That's a kazoo. - Yeah, we had an overstock.

57. So everyone gets a rape kazoo.

58. I also think we need parking lot buddies

59. so that no one has to walk to their car alone at night.

60. - I'll be paired with anyone but Sarah.

61. That girl's got, like, a huge

62. restraining order against me.

63. - I'll take any guy who's 6'2" with blue eyes.

64. Wait, we're talking about picking boyfriends, right?

65. I'll take Justine.

66. The robbers will probably kill her before they kill me.

67. - Since I don't drive, could you assign someone

68. to walk me to the bus stop and wait with me?

69. - We're not picking. - We're drawing names

70. so that it's fair. I will go first.

71. Mine is... Myrtle, so I'm gonna go again

72. because everybody gets one re-do.

73. So my real one is Cheyenne, and that one's final.

74. - Can I be paired with Mateo, actually?

75. We usually go to trivia night together.

76. - Oh, you guys do a trivia night?

77. That sounds fun.

78. - I still say I got robbed last week.

79. Women do not produce eggs. That's chickens.

80. - Garrett mocked you so hard for that.

81. He was all like, you know, funny stuff.

82. - So, like, almost everyone goes to this trivia night?

83. - Yeah. - Solid crew.

84. I love trivia.

85. Sorry.

86. I'm not being raped.

87. I just was trying to play "Camptown Races."

88. - It's not a toy. - It is not.

89. - Dude, you need to do something about Ken.

90. He's a terrible security guard.

91. He wasn't even here this morning when the store got robbed.

92. - Yeah, look, I know he's not the best.

93. But he is such a sweet man.

94. - Look, I know it sucks to fire somebody,

95. but what's worse— Waiting for some lunatic

96. to come in here and kill a customer,

97. or having an uncomfortable conversation?

98. Security, report to Customer Service.

99. - Security to Customer Service. - Stop it.

100. - He's taking a selfie, Glenn.

101. The dude's taking a selfie.

102. - My parking lot buddy is Jonah. - How is he gonna protect me?

103. "Oh, stop. Don't attack us."

104. - I'm literally right here, Myrtle.

105. - Listen, her mind's mostly gone,

106. but she raises a good point.

107. You froze while a guy robbed the store.

108. - Okay, again, I didn't freeze. - He was being calm,

109. so I was being calm. The robber sets the tone.

110. - Oh, so are you just going to be calm when a group

111. of methed-out serial killers stabs Myrtle to death

112. in the parking lot?

113. - No, because that would be a different tone.

114. - Come on. - Hey, everybody.

115. Can I get you to meet me in the break room

116. for a quick chat?

117. - Is it about your boots?

118. - Uh, no.

119. Um, it's about this morning's incident.

120. - Is that when you bought your boots?

121. - Just—if everybody would just meet me in the break room.

122. - Okay, so, I wanted to bring Dina up here

123. so we could discuss this morning's incident.

124. - Listen, I don't need an attaboy

125. just for doing my job, okay? But I do think it's positive

126. that this can open a conversation about self-defense

127. and how each of us need to take action—

128. - What I'm saying is, don't do what Dina did.

129. - Ooh. - I'm sorry, what?

130. - He said, "Don't be like you."

131. - Dina took it upon herself to physically confront the thief.

132. And while it worked out okay this time,

133. it could have turned into serious injury, or death,

134. or God forbid, a lawsuit.

135. I'm obviously joking. A lawsuit would not

136. be as bad as death. The point is,

137. we have a policy for this. So if you see

138. something suspicious, report it.

139. Don't try to handle it yourself.

140. - Yeah, we all know what the policy is,

141. but what was I supposed to do?

142. Just stand there and make brown, like Jonah?

143. - What did Jonah do?

144. - Well, I didn't actually do anything—

145. - Exactly. - He just sat there

146. and watched a guy rob the store.

147. - Thank you. - That is what you

148. should all do in the future.

149. Thank you, Jonah, for actually following protocol.

150. - Oh, well, yeah. - I mean, you know,

151. you guys came up with the policy.

152. I just knew it and followed it.

153. - It's appreciated. - Oh, my God,

154. just sleep with him, already.

155. - What? - Okay,

156. what if someone steals a baby?

157. What then? Do you want me to just sit there

158. and watch someone take a baby?

159. - What if the baby is wearing a bomb?

160. Then wouldn't you want him to steal it?

161. - I'm trying to picture a scenario in which

162. somebody planted— - Oh, what if it's baby Hitler?

163. - Oh. - That's a very good question.

164. - Is it? - I think you gotta kill

165. - that baby Hitler. - Yeah.

166. - But how would you know that that baby was gonna grow up

167. to be Hitler? What if that baby was gonna

168. grow up to be the exact opposite of Hitler?

169. - Churchill? - No.

170. - Lance Bass. - Interesting.

171. - Oprah. - Yeah, Oprah.

172. - Oh, yeah. - Gotta save that baby.

173. - Gotta save it. - I'm more of an Ellen person.

174. - It's fun when she dances. - Anyway, what I'm saying is,

175. don't be a Dina. Be a Jonah.

176. - Oh. Different. - Wow.

177. - Wait, you guys. - What if it's baby Oprah,

178. but the person stealing it is Beyoncé?

179. - Ken, you— You know how much I love you.

180. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

181. - But a thief just wandered into the store this morning.

182. - I know. - Crazy, right?

183. I just heard about that.

184. - And I hate to be such a Sally Stickler,

185. but technically, you were supposed to be here.

186. - Yes, yes. - And I'm so sorry.

187. You know, it just— it takes me forever

188. to get going in the morning.

189. 'Cause I don't believe in alarm clocks.

190. I like to wake up when my body is ready, you know what I mean?

191. - But we've talked about this before.

192. And I think it's time for you to go.

193. - Oh. - I'm so, so sorry.

194. - No, it's nothing to be sorry about.

195. - God bless.

196. Jerusha, how was it? I feel sick!

197. - All right. - Here you go.

198. - Hey, you know, you can just take this stroller and leave,

199. if you want. Just right out the store.

200. This little girl won't try and stop you.

201. - Ow, what are you doing? - Just explaining that

202. you're a sackless wuss that would even let

203. - this pipsqueak rob us. - You know what?

204. I'm just—I'm gonna go pay for it.

205. - Yeah, enjoy that. - Sorry. Congratulations.

206. What the hell was that? - "What the hell was that?

207. I'm a little baby."

208. - Look, I can tell you're upset—

209. - No, you can't. - Okay, look,

210. maybe, uh, Jeff calling you out in the meeting this morning

211. was a little embarrassing— - Uh, the only thing

212. that's embarrassing is how far Jeff is up your butt.

213. Hello, Jeff? Are you in there?

214. - Okay. - Try not to scuff

215. - your ridiculous boots. - Oh, wow, right?

216. How insane— - We are not on the same team.

217. - Hey.

218. Oh, turkey sandwich.

219. Hey, did you know that the sandwich was invented

220. - by the Earl of Sandwich? - Okay.

221. - That's just a little random fact that I knew.

222. My head's full of all kinds of things like that.

223. - Who invented salad? - Good question.

224. I have another one. Remember how we were just

225. talking about turkey? Which founding father

226. wanted to make the turkey our national bird?

227. - Um— - Huh?

228. Anyone? Benjamin Franklin,

229. who, as we all know, also invented the Franklin Stove

230. - and bifocals. - Really?

231. - I don't think that's true. - Well, it is true.

232. I know it's true because I just looked it up.

233. - Okay.

234. - So did he invent salad?

235. - No. - No, that was someone else.

236. - Ken? - You're—you're here.

237. - Big time!

238. - Okay, um, look, maybe I wasn't clear,

239. and that's my fault.

240. But what I meant to say was,

241. I don't want you to be the security guard here anymore.

242. - Oh. - So you're thinking

243. move me over to what? Like, sales?

244. - I wasn't— - 'Cause I do think that

245. would be a better fit for my particular skill set.

246. 'Cause if I'm being honest with myself,

247. I don't know anything about security.

248. - Okay. - Okay.

249. - Yes, thanks. - Yes, yes.

250. - Oh, hey, Jonah. - I just wanted to tell you,

251. I really liked the way you handled yourself this morning

252. - with the robbery. - Oh, thank you.

253. Um, but that— that wasn't really—

254. - I get it. - But it's just nice to know

255. we've got some level-headed, calm people working here.

256. So good job.

257. - Uh, hey. - Hey, um—

258. You know what? This—this might sound weird,

259. but, um, could you not compliment me in front of Dina?

260. - I'm sorry? - I appreciate everything

261. that you're saying, but, um,

262. I think Dina was a little embarrassed about what happened

263. this morning. And when Dina gets embarrassed,

264. - she can be a bit of a bully. - Dina's bullying you?

265. - No, no. - That's not what I—

266. No, I just meant that she can be a bit of a bully.

267. - Thank you for coming forward.

268. I will talk to HR.

269. - No, no, no, no. - You don't need

270. to get HR involved. No.

271. - Okay, but you understand you just informed me

272. that a superior is bullying you. Legally, that's something

273. I have to report. We've just had

274. too many suicides.

275. - Not necessary, no.

276. - Okay, I take no joy in getting Dina in any kind of trouble.

277. - Really? - 'Cause you're—you're smiling

278. - a little. - Am I?

279. - It's been brought to my attention that there has been

280. some bullying in the store.

281. I have spoken to the person responsible,

282. but I would like to remind everybody

283. that Cloud 9 has a zero tolerance policy

284. against bullying of anyone under any circumstance.

285. - What if you're bullying Hitler?

286. - Bullying's probably what made him Hitler.

287. - Actually, I think it was not getting into art school.

288. - Okay, can we just forget about Hitler?

289. - No, we can't ever forget about Hitler.

290. - She's right. - Okay, I'm fine.

291. - I was not bullied. - Believe me,

292. If I had bullied Jonah, Justine wouldn't be the only one

293. - with a broken nose. - Heyo!

294. - Okay, bullying's not just beating people up.

295. It's—it's any behavior that's hostile or intimidating.

296. - Like when your ex buys $300 boots,

297. but all he got you on your birthday was a cake

298. from the store bakery?

299. - You said you didn't want anything.

300. So, you know what, that doesn't matter.

301. The point is, we all know what bullying is;

302. harassment, name-calling—

303. - Sometimes it seems like you're calling someone a name

304. but then it's their actual name.

305. I once met a Greek guy named Herpes, or something like that.

306. - I thought you fired that dude. - I did. Twice.

307. - Okay, so, what are some other examples?

308. - Moron, A-hole— - Bimbo.

309. - Bald jerk.

310. - Herpes when their name is not Herpes.

311. - Va-Jonah. - Opus Dei. Pasty freak.

312. - Okay, I meant other examples of bullying, not name-calling.

313. But nobody here should be calling you those.

314. - Oh, no. - That was just my doctors.

315. - How about being excluded socially?

316. - Sure, especially if they're

317. purposely targeting an individual.

318. - What if it was more like a group of people

319. who were planning an event

320. and they just weren't inviting a specific person?

321. - Um, I think maybe what you're describing is just a loser.

322. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's a loser.

323. - A lot of interesting opinions today, Kelly.

324. - Thank you. - Sometimes the bus driver

325. opens the door and, when I try to get in,

326. he drives forward a little and then I try to get in again,

327. but then he drives a little more and we're all laughing,

328. but still...

329. - Yes, that is bullying, Sandra.

330. Um... Jesus.

331. - Wow.

332. You really got this firing thing down.

333. - I think he's gonna make a fine associate.

334. - Stop. - Ow, you're breaking my arm.

335. - Just trust me. - It's gonna fit, okay?

336. Stop fighting, man.

337. - There you go. - You're right, he's good.

338. - Hey, hey. - Ken.

339. - Hey, it's the cool kids. - Where?

340. - You. - You're the—

341. You're the cool kids.

342. - Oh. - So, um, any of you cats

343. heading to this trivia thing tonight?

344. - Oh, no. - None of us get invited to that.

345. - That thing is lame anyway.

346. Hey, what if we did something?

347. - Together? - Yes.

348. - I always wanted to try that bowling alley down the street.

349. - Yes! - All right.

350. Let's do it! Bowling night!

351. - I bet they have those wings,

352. and they serve them with ranch dressing.

353. Feels like you're British or something.

354. - Yeah. - Maybe.

355. - I love bowling alleys. - They're so dark,

356. so you can make any kind of faces you want.

357. - Okay. - What should our team name be?

358. - We should be the Best Friends.

359. 'Cause we are best friends.

360. - Wow. - Yeah.

361. - Oh, darn it. - I just remembered, um,

362. Emma has a thing tonight.

363. So...

364. I can't.

365. - Can we come? - Oh.

366. Um, oh. Uh, no.

367. - Hey, buddy. - Guess what this is?

368. It's my first write-up. Ever.

369. So thank you so much for that.

370. - Look, I'm sorry. - I genuinely did not mean

371. - to get you in trouble. - Hey, it's all in the past.

372. I just came over to ask you in the most polite way possible

373. to please clean up the spill in aisle nine.

374. - Uh, this is aisle nine.

375. Jesus! What is wrong with you?

376. - Oops. - You know what?

377. I'm glad you got written up. You are a bully.

378. - Well, I'd rather be a bully than a castrated garden gnome.

379. - A garden gnome? - What would you even castrate?

380. - Well, who knows what's under those little pants?

381. That's not the point. The point is,

382. at least I'm not too weak to stop a simple robbery.

383. - That was an awkward situation. - I could have destroyed that guy.

384. - With muscles like those? - Come on.

385. - I'm wiry because I work out with resistance bands,

386. but believe me. They can get the job done.

387. - So, you think you could kick my ass?

388. - Your ass? - Yeah, uh,

389. obviously, I could— sure.

390. - Oh. - Well, then come at me.

391. - Come at you? - Come at me!

392. - Come at me, bro. - What are you doing?

393. - Oh, are you too scared? - I'm not scared.

394. I'm at work, and I don't wanna

395. lose my job, Dina.

396. - Then let's take this thing off campus.

397. - What? - Fight!

398. Fight, guys. Jonah's fighting Dina.

399. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight—

400. Guys, say it with me. It's so much fun.

401. Fight, fight, fight—

402. - So what's the best case scenario, here?

403. Dina beats you up, or everyone gets to see

404. - you hit a woman. - It's not gonna come to that.

405. Bullies just need to be confronted.

406. - There. - Officially off Cloud 9 property.

407. Now we're just a couple of civilians.

408. - So show me what you got. - Look, Dina, I'm not—

409. I'm not fighting you. This is—

410. - Why? - Because I'm a woman?

411. Because if you were really a feminist,

412. you'd punch me in the face.

413. - What does that— Okay, what are you—

414. What are you doing? I'm not gonna do that.

415. - It's been a long time coming. - Wh-what?

416. - Since this morning.

417. - I—I won't— - Wait, guys.

418. Just stop. This is crazy.

419. - Thank you. - Now we're good.

420. - Garrett, you don't need to— You can turn it off,

421. because— Ooh!

422. - Dina, what are you doing? - Yeah, yeah.

423. - Get him to the ground. - Dina, I'm not gonna—

424. - Hit him! - Okay, all right.

425. - Come on. - Oh.

426. - Stop rolling. - Your skin is very smooth,

427. - like a dolphin. - I don't wanna do this.

428. - Just fight me. - No.

429. - Come on. - Ow.

430. - Fight me. - Stop, Dina, get off.

431. - Dina, get off! - What the hell is that?

432. - Nothing. - What's wrong, man?

433. - Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

434. I'm good. I just—just gimme a minute.

435. - Did you just get an erection? - What? No.

436. - No, no. - He did, it's true.

437. We got a boner, everyone.

438. - No, no, it's not. - It's—the friction

439. - from the pants are really soft. - Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner.

440. Really? None of you?

441. - Nice to get off early, huh?

442. Have the whole night to do whatever?

443. - Uh-huh. - Totally.

444. - Like, maybe some laundry. - Oh, no, I did that yesterday.

445. So, ugh, what to do?

446. What to do?

447. - I'll see you guys over there.

448. Let's get trivial!

449. - All right. - Whoo!

450. - Seriously? - You guys invited that girl?

451. I am way smarter than that girl.

452. - Okay, girl, what are you getting all

453. - "Real Housewives" about? - I'm talking about,

454. why aren't you inviting me to trivia night?

455. - 'Cause we figured you weren't interested.

456. - Why wouldn't I be interested?

457. I love trivia. I love nights.

458. - You never wanna do anything after work.

459. - Yeah, you're always like, "No,"

460. and then you did that weird, like, sarcastic thing.

461. - Oh, like I would say no to trivia night.

462. - You're doing it right now. - Okay, that's beside the point.

463. I said no because I was married and I had Emma to look after.

464. But now I'm separated and Emma has her own thing,

465. and I spend most of my nights by myself

466. and I would really just like to have a social life again.

467. - Okay, great. - Just come to trivia night.

468. - Okay, great. - Great.

469. - I will. - Thank you.

470. - Okay, we'll see you at 10.

471. - Bye! - Wait, uh, what—10:00 p.m.?

472. Who starts trivia at— 10:00 p.m. Is an awesome time

473. to start trivia. I love that idea.

474. - Maybe you'll get that hard salad question.

475. - Oh. - Ooh.

476. - I'm so tired.

477. - Hey. - Uh, Dina, I really don't—

478. - Listen, I'm feeling so stupid for not realizing

479. why you've been messing with me so much.

480. It's like a school boy pulling your pigtails.

481. - I'm sorry? - You're still attracted to me.

482. I get the message hard and clear.

483. And hard.

484. - Um— - Here's the thing—

485. It's terrible timing, because I just ended this thing

486. with Garrett, and I need to lone wolf it

487. - for a while. - Yeah, I feel like you're—

488. - You and I are just two ships passing in the night.

489. But that's not to say down the road those two ships

490. won't meet up in some harbor and just drop anchor.

491. - You know? - It's a beautiful sentiment.

492. - It is. - Yeah.

493. - Oh, and speaking of ships,

494. your mast— very impressive.

495. Well done.

496. - Hey, parking lot buddy. - Ready to go wait

497. at the bus stop with me?

498. - Oh, um, you know what, I'm actually gonna catch up

499. - with the trivia night guys. - But you said it was lame.

500. - Yeah, I did say that. - Yeah.

501. But you're good to walk alone, right?

502. We'll start buddies tomorrow.

503. - Okay.

504. It's just a little dark, but...

505. and I don't know who that is.