Superstore 3x14

1. - Dried milk. - Uh, no.

2. - I don't think that's true. - It is. It is, Amy.

3. It's in a PowerPoint.

4. - Now, we all know the standard cheeses.

5. American cheese, cheddar cheese, pizza cheese.

6. But what if I told you there's one more out there?

7. - No.

8. - Swiss!

9. - Kraft Singles. - Goat, Parm, blue, ricotta.

10. - I could name at least ten more. - No, you guys, it's not—

11. Grilled cheese.

12. - Hot tip, Kelly.

13. - No, guys, stop just yelling out random words.

14. You're throwing me off.

15. But what if I told you there's one more out there?

16. Human cheese!

17. - Oh, my God, is that what this is?

18. - I've had five samples already.

19. - No, no, this is just cut-up string cheese.

20. I don't have enough money for a prototype.

21. But it'll basically be exactly like that, I think.

22. So who's ready to invest in the breast?

23. It'll be udder-ly amazing!

24. - That's cows. - Damn it, Sandra!

25. You're messing with my flow.

26. Ugh.

27. Cheese, what is it?

28. Dried milk.

29. - Ooh.

30. Just like a couple of plums

31. nestled in a pair of Dockers, huh?

32. - Jonah's butt.

33. - That you're staring at. - No, I'm not star—

34. - I'm not staring at anything. - Oh, sorry.

35. Just, you told me about your crush on Jonah,

36. and I'm an ass gal, so I guess I just assume

37. everyone's an ass gal— - Shh, Dina!

38. - It's not a crush.

39. And plus, I told you that in private.

40. - But just so you know,

41. Kelly's gonna start suspecting something

42. if you keep lashing out at her.

43. I don't lash out at Kelly.

44. Hey, Sandra, do you remember any time

45. that Amy was lashing out at Kelly?

46. - January 4th, you said, "Kelly, I assume you've been

47. to a monster truck rally."

48. January 12th, you said, "Two people saying you look

49. like Reese Witherspoon is not a lot of people."

50. - Okay, we got it. - Thanks, Sandra.

51. - January 20th, you said,

52. "Wow, did they teach you that at pageant school?"

53. January 21st, you said,

54. "Wow, did they teach you that at pageant school?"

55. - Okay, we got it Sandra. - Thank you.

56. - Kelly! - Hi.

57. - Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

58. - Sorry, I'm working as fast as I can.

59. - I just have a few more left. - Oh, no, no worries.

60. I'm not here to rush you,

61. I just came over to say, "Hey, girl."

62. - Oh, "Hey, girl" back.

63. Hey, girl.

64. - Yep, just, um, came on over to hang out with my friend.

65. I mean, sorry, it's just sometimes

66. it seems like you don't like me.

67. - Oh, you mean because sometimes I razz you?

68. Oh, my God, Kel, you know I'm, like, the joker of the store.

69. - Because you wear all that lipstick?

70. - It's just gloss, and I only wear a little bit of it.

71. No, because I joke around with everyone,

72. especially my friends.

73. - Yes, of course.

74. You cutie.

75. - Oh!

76. - Someone's in trouble.

77. - Oh, my God. - I hung that sign.

78. - Well, it was probably just a faulty anchor.

79. - Guys, I'm telling you, the human mammary dairy market

80. is about to explode.

81. - Question: if I invest, can I still eat regular cheese?

82. - Dude.

83. No.

84. Hey, how about you guys?

85. Who's ready to join the boob cheese revolution?

86. - Uh, sorry, I was distracted.

87. That guy has a real gay Dothraki vibe going,

88. and #Intolt.

89. - You should go help him. - You want me to just

90. - go up there and talk to him? - It's literally your job.

91. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

92. Do you guys just hate chants? Be honest with me.

93. - I am so screwed.

94. This is, like, my third screwup this week.

95. I'm gonna get in so much trouble.

96. Who put this up?

97. - Um, Glenn, I—

98. - It was me. - I did it.

99. - Amy, you don't have to— - It's okay, girl. I got you.

100. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

101. I was just rushing, and I forgot to anchor the bolt.

102. - Yes, I did.

103. I really, really didn't think that one through.

104. - Okay, but...

105. you got to be careful. These things are heavy.

106. - Yes.

107. - Clean it up. - I will. Will do.

108. - Thank you so much.

109. You did not have to take the blame for me.

110. - It's totally fine. - I got you, girl.

111. - It's all good, friend. - Aw.

112. - And plus, no one got hurt, so no biggie.

113. - Hey.

114. Don't you hate Tuesdays?

115. - Why would you take the blame for Kelly's mistake?

116. - Look, I was trying to show her that we're friends.

117. - Oh, this is about the Jonah crush.

118. - Shh. - Man, that secret

119. just keeps getting tastier and tastier.

120. Mmm, that is one good secret.

121. - Okay, that's enough. - Look, can you please

122. just not tell anyone?

123. - Hey, like I said, you can count on me.

124. And if you want to sell the lie,

125. I will sell this lie hard.

126. - What—what—what— what are you doing?

127. - I'm trying to work up enough saliva

128. so that we can do a spit handshake.

129. It's just, I've got such drymouth.

130. I think it's the pregnancy.

131. - Oh, don't worry about it.

132. - We're good. - No, no, no, no.

133. Just give me a second. I'll get there.

134. - Oh, God, okay.

135. No, Dina, really, I'm good. I trust you.

136. - Well, now I'm like a sprinkler.

137. It won't stop coming out.

138. - Does it hurt when you rotate it?

139. - Of course it does.

140. I got assaulted by a giant pot of gold.

141. - Everything hurts. - Hey, man.

142. When I cut off my thumb with the deli slicer,

143. corporate gave me 200 bucks just for promising not to sue.

144. - When I shattered my nose, I held out and got $1,000.

145. No one told me that I can negotiate.

146. - Man, you should have held out.

147. You could have already launched Boob Cheese.

148. - Ugh...

149. - I wonder how much I could get.

150. I mean, I'm not a very good negotiator.

151. I just always want people to like me.

152. - Is that...

153. - true? - Yes!

154. - I'm nice. - Well, if you want,

155. I could help you with the negotiation.

156. - Actually, that's not a bad idea.

157. I mean, you are relentless and annoying.

158. - I was going to say because I took a year of business school,

159. but I will take that as a compliment.

160. - It's not, but, you know, you hear what you want to hear.

161. - You are nice. - Maybe I should get hurt again

162. and hold out for that big money.

163. - Mm-hmm, I definitely think that's a good idea.

164. - I feel so bad. - I didn't know

165. Mateo was gonna get hurt when you took the blame.

166. - Don't worry about it. - It's like I said.

167. We're friends, and, you know, it's like,

168. bitches before snitches, you know?

169. - Well, I am taking you out

170. for drinks tonight as a thank-you.

171. You, me, half-off margaritas. Like I always say,

172. there's nothing a little dancing on a bar can't solve.

173. - Wow, did they teach you that in pageant sch...

174. I mean, that is very wise and well-observed.

175. I'm very excited.

176. - Hey, don't you help her.

177. This was Amy's mess, and she needs to clean it up herself,

178. or she will never learn.

179. - I'll just text you tonight

180. about what I'm thinking of wearing.

181. - See, she does not suspect a thing.

182. All right.

183. Clean this up for real.

184. - One...

185. two...

186. Nope.

187. Damn it!

188. Uh, just trying to cut off my thumb.

189. - I'm sorry, why is Jonah here?

190. - Oh, I'm just here to give Mateo advice.

191. I went to business school for a year.

192. - Before flunking out. - Irrelevant.

193. - Fine, okay. - Uh, for the record,

194. I should point out that Mateo and I previously had

195. a romantic relationship, but I'm confident

196. that we can keep everything professional.

197. - I would also like the record to reflect

198. that your outfit makes you look like

199. the assistant debate coach of an Ohio middle school.

200. - Your objection is noted.

201. Okay, uh, without accepting any liability for your injury,

202. Cloud 9 would like to offer you $1,000.

203. - I'll take this.

204. No.

205. What do you mean, no? You don't want the money?

206. - Oh, we want the money, Jeff.

207. - But we want the real money. - Yes.

208. - Okay, well, that is the real money.

209. The offer is $1,000. Take it or leave it.

210. - We will take the $1,000.

211. - Ah!

212. - Hey, Amy.

213. I thought I'd have Sandra work with you.

214. - Oh, no, that's okay. - I got this.

215. - Yeah, but wouldn't it be nice to have some company?

216. You know, someone to help you and watch over you?

217. - Oh, okay. - I see.

218. It's not that I don't trust you

219. or that I'm worried that you'll injure someone else.

220. - No, no, of course not.

221. I mean, you just said it wasn't those things,

222. so it's probably not those things.

223. - Right.

224. It's a different reason.

225. - I will tell you later. - Yep.

226. - Check issued upon completion of background check?

227. What does that mean?

228. - Mm, that seems pretty standard.

229. They probably just want to make sure

230. you didn't do anything illegal.

231. - Illegal, like being in this country illegally?

232. - All right, I just got off the phone with corporate,

233. and things are all good on their end.

234. Are you done signing?

235. - Uh, um...

236. you know what? I have decided to pass.

237. - We're gonna pass.

238. - Yeah, so...

239. I mean, no need for any of this.

240. - Mm-mm. - Um...

241. I'm gonna go, and, um...

242. good luck to you in all your future endeavors.

243. Excuse me.

244. - Sorry the deal fell through.

245. Lot of great back-and-forth, though.

246. Good sparring with you, buddy. All right.

247. - Just go. Just go. - Just go when you say go.

248. Just go when you say the word "go."

249. Go on the word "go."

250. Go!

251. Ahh, damn it!

252. Damn it! Bad!

253. - Compromising safety harness. - I was just loosening it.

254. - Okay, but now you're not secure.

255. - I am secure, Sandra. - And also, could you, like,

256. maybe move, like, two inches that way?

257. You're in my space.

258. - Glenn told me to stay close to you.

259. And also, I'm terrified of heights,

260. so I feel like the ground is always just kind of

261. coming up at me— - Okay, fine, fine.

262. It's just making this a lot more difficult.

263. - Oh! - Almost dropped sign.

264. Are you serious?

265. You're writing down almost mistakes now?

266. - Now you're losing your temper.

267. - No, I'm not losing my temper, Sandra.

268. I just don't think that you need to be writing down

269. - every single little thing. - Stop!

270. - No, you stop it. - Glenn gave that to me!

271. - Back up, Sandra. - We're moving!

272. - We're going to die! - Oh, my God!

273. I need you to back up—

274. - Sandra, you're on me!

275. Sandra, you're pushing me into the lever!

276. Sandra, snap out of it!

277. - Bloopers on a TV show are delightful.

278. But in the workplace, they can be dangerous.

279. So I thought that some of us

280. who have had a couple of incidents

281. could review some basic safety training.

282. Now, when would you put out one of these?

283. - No.

284. - Now, when you're cleaning up that spill,

285. you want a nice swaying motion.

286. Think of it like you took your mop to a dance.

287. Okay, and dance with her.

288. One, two, three.

289. One, two, three.

290. One, two, three. One, two, three.

291. - Okay, all right.

292. Whoa!

293. - I'm trying to get injured.

294. It's just hard to make myself do it.

295. - You know, the problem is, you can see it coming.

296. - Yes, obviously that's the problem.

297. - You know, maybe, and I'm just spitballing here,

298. but maybe you have someone else do it

299. so you're not expecting it.

300. - That's not a bad idea.

301. Do you think you could do it?

302. Me? Wow.

303. Whoof, that's unexpected.

304. Hmm, yeah, I'll do it. I'd be honored.

305. - I can't believe I have to walk away from $1,000

306. - just because I'm undocumented. - It's so unfair.

307. This country was built on the backs of immigrants—

308. - Okay, calm down. - I can tell my own story.

309. - And you should be able to. - Okay.

310. I just spoke to corporate. This one time,

311. they're willing to go up to $1,500.

312. Final offer, no exceptions.

313. Unfortunately, I'm still gonna pass.

314. - Okay, but $1,500 is as high as they're willing to go.

315. I mean, it's $1,500. You understand that, right?

316. - I understand. - The answer is still no.

317. - Okay, okay, fine, fine.

318. $4,000.

319. - Whoa! - Holy crap.

320. - And that's it. - That's it, though.

321. That's the cap.

322. - I thought $1,500 was the cap. - That was the fake cap.

323. Technically, we're allowed to go as high as $4,000,

324. but that is it. That's the final offer.

325. It's still—

326. - $6,500, final offer.

327. - I feel like we have different definitions

328. of the word "final." - It's not about the money.

329. - Okay, the answer is no. - Wow, okay, great.

330. Congratulations, you just lost out on $6,500.

331. Sweet dreams thinking about that.

332. $15,000.

333. Hey, it's Jessie.

334. - I'm Cindy's mom. - Oh, yeah, of course, hi.

335. - I heard about you and Adam,

336. and I just wanted to say I hope everything's okay.

337. - Oh, yeah, no, everything's great, actually.

338. Thanks for checking.

339. I need a urine sample from you.

340. - Oh, um, I'm sorry, I can just—

341. - No, Dina, this isn't really the best time for this.

342. - Hey, that's what happens when you keep

343. screwing up on the job.

344. We have to find out if it's due to drugs

345. or just gross incompetence.

346. - It's not drugs.

347. - Hey, this was lovely. - So see you at the next PTA.

348. - Hi, David, I have Mateo Liwanag,

349. the employee who was injured, and Jonah Simms,

350. another employee, for some reason.

351. - Hey, Mateo, I hear you're refusing

352. to sign the liability waiver.

353. A little concerned your lawyer's

354. giving you some bad advice.

355. - Oh, I'm not a lawyer.

356. I just went to a year of business school.

357. - Before flunking out. - I'm on your side, you know.

358. - So look, we're prepared to offer you $50,000.

359. - Whoa.

360. - Uh...

361. - that is a lot of money. - Uh, uh-huh.

362. - And I wish I could take it. - But the truth is,

363. um, I'm not really hurt.

364. - David, he's lying.

365. What about all the times you said you were over Chad

366. and you just jumped right back into bed with him?

367. - After you dumped me! - I'm sorry, David.

368. - That's not relevant. - That's okay.

369. I have a gay son, so my views are very progressive.

370. - Okay, what about the time you said Jonah

371. looks great in shirts?

372. Yeah, were you lying or telling the truth then?

373. - I said he looks okay in shirts,

374. but you wouldn't know that because you never listen.

375. - Because you add unnecessary details!

376. - You spent an hour talking about lavender!

377. - Uh, it sounds like you guys

378. still have some stuff to figure out.

379. Jeff, why don't you take care of this

380. and get back to me later, okay?

381. Thanks.

382. - Well...

383. that got silly.

384. Something's jammed in the box crusher.

385. I was wondering if you could climb in and get it out.

386. - You want me to get...

387. - inside the box crusher? - Yeah, thanks.

388. - It just—it feels like a box crusher could hurt someone

389. really badly.

390. - Only if somebody pushed the button

391. while you were inside it.

392. There's no need to worry about that,

393. 'cause I got the button right here.

394. - Yeah, okay.

395. - Sandra, your tushie

396. needs to be closer to the ground.

397. - I can't go any lower. - Okay, I don't want excuses.

398. I want lower tushies.

399. - Ugh, I can't believe they're making you do this.

400. - Yeah, no, me and you both.

401. - Elias, bend both your knees, not just the one.

402. - I just feel so guilty. - I mean, I almost feel like

403. maybe I should tell Glenn that I was the one

404. that messed up the signs.

405. - Well, I mean, you know, don't do it for me.

406. But, like, if you really want to.

407. - Yeah, you're right, there's probably no point.

408. - Oh, did I say there was no point?

409. I don't remember saying those words.

410. - Oh, I just— I'm getting in my head, then.

411. Sometimes I do that thing where I act like

412. every mistake in the world is my fault.

413. - Yeah, except for this time,

414. you wouldn't really be that far off.

415. Although it's like,

416. I didn't make you crash the scissor lift.

417. - No, no. - Uh-uh.

418. - But technically, I wouldn't have been on the scissor lift

419. if you hadn't messed up the signs.

420. - I know, and then it's like, technically,

421. I wouldn't have even been hanging the signs at all

422. if Saint Patrick hadn't driven the snakes out of Ireland, so...

423. How far back do we go?

424. - Um...

425. probably somewhere between the fifth century

426. and this morning, I'm guessing.

427. Right, yeah.

428. - I can't take this safety training anymore.

429. - Hey, I get it. - It's tough,

430. especially when you get to your age.

431. Do you feel like you can't keep up?

432. - No, I mean I'm over taking the blame for Kelly's mistake.

433. - Well, let's tell Glenn the truth and bury this chick!

434. - Yeah, but I can't just, like, throw her under the bus.

435. 'Cause I have security footage

436. of her hanging the sign. It wouldn't be hard.

437. - Yes, but morally...

438. Although, you know, it's not like she would

439. get in that much trouble, right?

440. And all we'd be doing is telling the truth.

441. So if anything, lying in the first place

442. was the wrong thing to do, right?

443. - You'd already made up your mind about this

444. before you even came in here, hadn't you?

445. - Yeah, I was thinking maybe you could show the footage

446. while I tried to stop you so it'd look like

447. my hands were clean. I told everyone to meet,

448. - like, around 3:00? - Nice.

449. She's growing up.

450. - No, uh-uh, I can't do it.

451. I can't. I still know it's coming.

452. And to be honest...

453. you're freaking me out.

454. I feel you.

455. So here's what we're gonna do.

456. It's not gonna come today, not even this week.

457. Months will go by. You'll forget all about it.

458. And then one day, out of the blue...

459. - You're rich. - I don't know if that—

460. - Even if you tell me you want to call it off,

461. I'll say okay, but I'll know you don't really want that.

462. You're just trying to make yourself forget it's coming.

463. It'll never really be called off, ever.

464. That's how much I care about getting you this money.

465. - Mateo, I'm not stupid.

466. I know why you're doing this.

467. - Yeah, why waste an opportunity

468. to make me look incompetent in front of my bosses, right?

469. - Oh. I mean no, that's not what—

470. - Okay, well, you may hate me, but I still care about you.

471. So there. 10 grand. You're welcome.

472. I thought it was $50,000.

473. Doesn't matter. Okay...

474. - Jeff, I don't want this. - Well, you're taking it.

475. I'm faxing the paperwork to legal right now.

476. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you can't—you can't do that.

477. - It's complicated. - I was in love with you.

478. And you dumped me out of the blue,

479. so unless there's some reason I just can't get my—

480. - I'm undocumented!

481. That's why I couldn't transfer stores.

482. That's why I can't take the money.

483. And that's why I couldn't go

484. on a Carnival cruise with your family.

485. But also, like...

486. cruises are gross.

487. - So wait.

488. - I never hated you.

489. - I thought it'd be helpful for us all to watch

490. the surveillance footage of Amy hanging the sign

491. that fell on Mateo so we can learn what not to do.

492. - No, I don't think

493. we need to watch this video, Dina.

494. - Well, I do. - So we are.

495. - I'm so sorry. - I don't know what else to do.

496. Um, that's the wrong file.

497. - That's from Glenn's mullet phase.

498. That was, like, four years ago.

499. - I can't stand this new system. - I can't find anything.

500. - Whoa, is that from the tornado?

501. - Oh, uh, you know what— - Uh, Dina,

502. can you turn off the video, please?

503. - No, Amy, it's not your decision.

504. - No, I'm not kidding. - Turn off the video.

505. Step back.

506. This is very sensitive equipment!

507. - Dina, turn off the video!

508. Stop the video!

509. - Whoa!

510. - I think everyone knows you like Jonah.

511. - Mm-hmm.