Superstore 3x10

1. - A few last bits of housekeeping—

2. We switched the aisle six endcaps, so don't be alarmed.

3. The softball team will once again not be happening.

4. And lastly, uh—

5. We found out that Jerusha has an abnormally shaped uterus

6. which will prevent her from getting pregnant.

7. So if any of you know any women

8. who might like to carry our baby, you know, let me know.

9. Any questions about softball?

10. - Okay then, well, Jeff, the floor is yours.

11. - Yeah, thank you.

12. Thank you for that warm reception.

13. - I mean, you're here a lot.

14. - True. - Today's not about me, though.

15. It's about something big.

16. Bigger than all of us.

17. - No. - Hi, Mateo.

18. Um, sales are up this quarter.

19. We are within $80,000 of reclassification.

20. If we can make that by the end of the day,

21. we will go from being a triple-A store to a...

22. - See where I'm going? - No.

23. - Reclassified as a...

24. - Nobody's following you. - Just finish.

25. - Quadruple-A, guys. - We're gonna be a Quad-A store.

26. We're gonna be a high volume store.

27. Whoo! Huh?

28. Any questions? Garrett.

29. - Oh, okay, well, if a woman's uterus is normally shaped

30. like a V, Jerusha's is kinda like a corkscrew.

31. Kinda like a duck's. Wait, I'll—I'll draw it.

32. - I meant questions about the reclassification.

33. - Well, we're triple-A. - I just said that.

34. - So this would be one more A then?

35. - Exactly.

36. Believe me, you guys are gonna love this.

37. - So do we get anything or—

38. - Yes, you get a sense of pride,

39. a sense of accomplishment.

40. Quad-A stores are the first to feature new products.

41. Once they take our cafeteria

42. and transfer it into a Pizza Hut, there's gonna be—

43. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Did you just say Pizza Hut?

44. - Yeah.

45. - Like we're famous or something?

46. - Uh, a point of clarification, Jeff,

47. would it have the soda too?

48. - Yeah, I believe so.

49. - Oh!

50. - That's a formal Pizza Hut.

51. - There she is.

52. - Give me the marker

53. 'cause someone just made a thousand dollar sale.

54. - It was Brett. - I know.

55. I just like filling in the thermometer.

56. It's very satisfying.

57. - When you've been here long enough, any change is amazing.

58. Plus, it's like, Where do you work? Cloud 9.

59. The regular one?

60. Uh, no, the one with the Pizza Hut.

61. - It just—it seems odd that Jeff waited until today

62. to tell us about all this.

63. And he was selling it so hard.

64. "Believe me, you're gonna love it."

65. That's what my dad said

66. before he moved out and got his own place.

67. - Oh, boo-hoo, poor Jonah.

68. Both of his parents were homeowners.

69. What a tragedy.

70. - Actually, it was his friend's condo.

71. That's not gonna help.

72. - You're just looking for problems.

73. - Maybe, but there's a Quad-A in Crestwood.

74. We could go over there at lunch.

75. Check it out, maybe. Just to be safe.

76. - I mean, it's not the worst idea.

77. - Hey, keep your eye on the prize, okay?

78. - That's a good point.

79. - You know, I honestly didn't know how many candidates

80. we'd get from a Craigslist ad, but—

81. - Wonderful things can happen in all sorts of ways.

82. - I agree.

83. But you did see the part where we said we couldn't afford

84. the going rate for surrogates?

85. I mean, I know the agencies say it could be as much as $50,000.

86. But we've only saved 20.

87. - Oh, 20's more than enough.

88. - Oh.

89. Of which we can only give you 15.

90. - It's not a problem.

91. - Sorry, I meant ten. - That's low, so—

92. - Okay, no, 15, 15, 15. - We agree on 15.

93. - Great. - Okay.

94. - You should go with this one.

95. It's 4K.

96. - Oh, um,

97. The first K is "knowledge."

98. And then the second K—

99. - 4K televisions have 8.3 megapixels.

100. The human eye is literally incapable

101. of appreciating a finer resolution than this.

102. - Wow. - Okay, I'll take it.

103. - There you go. - Thank you.

104. - It has all of the channels.

105. - Okay, so Charles Marquard,

106. this is your American Express Business card.

107. - Yep.

108. - And you don't have an ID with you.

109. - Left it at the office.

110. - You'd like to purchase an Xbox One and a pile of candy.

111. - Yeah, you know, for the kids.

112. - Oil and gas.

113. - Oh, you know if it was me,

114. I might pick up a second Xbox to have one upstairs,

115. - have one downstairs. - Okay.

116. - You're a good dad, Mr. Marquard.

117. - Okay, as soon as we hit $80,000, drop the balloons,

118. hit the music, get a candid picture of me

119. celebrating with everybody to send to corporate.

120. - Got it, got it. - Hey, now let's talk dancers.

121. How many are we talking? And

122. - Maybe no dancers.

123. - Music and balloons with no dancers?

124. That's—gonna look insane, but fine.

125. - Jeff. - Uh, new hat?

126. - Yeah. - I splurged.

127. You know, it's a huge day. It's a very huge day.

128. - Definitely. - Um, we were wondering

129. if you could maybe tell us a little bit more

130. about what we can expect once this store becomes Quad-A.

131. - Oh, uh, well, yeah, I mean,

132. things are pretty much gonna be the same.

133. - Well, but earlier you said it would be better.

134. - Yes, obviously better.

135. - Better and the same. - Nice.

136. That sounds amazing.

137. - Right.

138. Is there any possibility that it could maybe get worse?

139. - You know what, there's a lot of liars out there, okay?

140. Look for people who have scores to settle, perhaps.

141. And don't believe everything you hear.

142. - Oh, I don't know, but whatever it is,

143. it would've been untrue.

144. That's why it's a paradox.

145. Believe me. It's gonna be great.

146. Trust me.

147. - Man, I can't wait for it to be great.

148. - You write me a check and I can have a baby for you

149. in as little as a week.

150. I mean, if you're really impatient,

151. I can get you one earlier,

152. but you're not gonna get to choose the color.

153. - Turns out that when you can't pay top dollar,

154. the surrogates you get are just a bunch of plops.

155. - Aw, I'm sure you'll find someone.

156. - I don't know.

157. Sometimes I think that maybe God is trying

158. to send me a message that people in their late 50s

159. shouldn't conceive a child.

160. That's crazy talk.

161. You guys are gonna have a killer baby.

162. Everyone's gonna wanna carry it.

163. - Yeah, right. - Would you?

164. - Of course, I would.

165. You mean that?

166. - Absolutely.

167. Thank you! Oh, my God.

168. Jerusha, this is a blessed day. I found her.

169. - Wow, it is busy here.

170. - Welcome to the show, people. - Welcome to the show.

171. - Excuse me, hi, sorry to interrupt.

172. - Uh, can I ask you a question? - Oh, sure.

173. - I love working here.

174. It's the best job I've ever had.

175. - Great. Thank you. - Have a heavenly day.

176. - All right. - See

177. Where I come from, something being the best thing

178. usually means it's pretty good.

179. - Oh, hey, sorry, just out of curiosity,

180. what's, uh, what's the worst part of your job?

181. - No part. - It's wonderful.

182. It's the best job I've ever had.

183. Have a heavenly day.

184. That was—

185. That was two "best job I ever hads"

186. - It's a colloquialism. - Like, "It is what it is."

187. Or, "Women be shopping."

188. - Excuse me. - Hi.

189. Um, how long have you been working here?

190. - Well, it's been the best job I've ever had

191. for about 41/2 years.

192. Best job I've ever had.

193. Have a heavenly day.

194. - People love it here. - Obviously.

195. - Ah!

196. - Oh, sorry about that.

197. Jerusha is making embroidery of your face on a rabbit's body.

198. - Mm. - To say thank you.

199. You know, and she wanted something she could work with.

200. Could you profile?

201. - Yeah.

202. It just means so much to us that you're willing to do this.

203. - Means so much to me.

204. So she doesn't think that I'm, you know, too young,

205. or irresponsible? Or stupid?

206. - No.

207. - 'Cause, you know, if you guys wanted to go with someone else,

208. I—I wouldn't be offended.

209. - Cheyenne, do you still wanna do this?

210. - Oh—

211. Yes. Definitely.

212. - Totally. - Great.

213. - You just, you know, try and stop me.

214. - I won't.

215. - Yeah. - The thing is—

216. Um...

217. - Mm-hmm, yeah. - It's Bo.

218. If it were up to me, I would just say,

219. You put a baby in me right now, mister.

220. But Bo, he just sucks, you know.

221. - Yeah. - Bo sucks.

222. - Uh, hey, Len. - I'm—I'm Jonah.

223. How's it going today?

224. - Mm-hmm.

225. - Oh, she's fine. - She does this every day.

226. - Nothing.

227. - You guys aren't supposed to be back here.

228. - Relax, we're legit.

229. - We work at the Ozark Highlands store.

230. And we're about to go Quad-A,

231. so we just wanted to see what that was like.

232. They're quaddin' ya, huh?

233. - Yeah. - They're quadding us.

234. So, um, what's it like?

235. - Be straight with me. - Polo to polo.

236. - Honestly, you're screwed.

237. - We cannot become a Quad-A.

238. - I don't understand. - It's total chaos.

239. Everyday there is like Black Friday.

240. - It's hell. - Hell on steroids.

241. - Isn't hell bad enough without adding steroids?

242. - Everyone there is exhausted all the time.

243. They are open 24 hours.

244. Which means they never have a chance to catch up.

245. - So when do they have time to clean?

246. - No, guys, we've come too far. - We are this close to Quad-A.

247. Now is not the time to—

248. - They don't let employees eat the pizza.

249. - Withdrawn.

250. - We need to slow down sales.

251. - Guys, when do they have time to clean?

252. - They don't.

253. - Well, then it never gets clean.

254. - All right, you heard Amy, guys,

255. let's cross that finish line and become Quad-A.

256. - Marcus, were you even listening?

257. - Sorry, I got a text earlier.

258. Honestly, I missed a lot of what you guys were saying.

259. Where's Harmonica?

260. - Ah, she's at the zoo. - She's good.

261. - Oh, good. - Bo's here.

262. So, why don't we all go have a chat, you know, and—

263. see if we can't change your mind?

264. - Yeah, let's do this. - Okay.

265. - What're we gonna change my mind about?

266. - I think you know.

267. - Yeah, I called you, and I was like,

268. "Please, Bo, let me have Glenn's baby."

269. And you were like, "Nah, girl, no way, no how, okay?

270. Squash that noise. Peace."

271. - Wow, that's crazy, 'cause, like, the way I remember it,

272. that never happened at all.

273. It's funny how perception is, you know what I'm sayin'?

274. - Bo, is there anything that Cheyenne and I can say

275. to help you change your mind?

276. - Mm, I don't know.

277. It's like, I wanna be sex-positive, but, like,

278. on the other side of the hand,

279. thinking about my wife banging an old couple—

280. - No, no, no!

281. - And would I get to go with Jerusha?

282. - Almost definitely not.

283. - Well, I really wanna do this for Glenn.

284. - Well, I guess I—

285. - But I also understand your point that

286. me having another man's baby might make you look

287. like some kind of—

288. I don't know— a punk-ass chump or something.

289. - Yep, uh-huh.

290. - It—It's okay.

291. I—I accept your decision and—

292. Well, I'm disappointed, you know.

293. I respect that you guys won't change your morals

294. for a measly $20,000.

295. Huh?

296. - Of course, for Bo, it's not about the money.

297. - I didn't know there was money.

298. I thought this was like a dare or something.

299. Yo, for 20 grand you can stick whatever you want

300. in either of us.

301. - Okay, everyone, I made some quick shift assignment changes.

302. Henry, Elias, you're in ladies' shoes.

303. Mateo, you're in sports.

304. - Oh, ah, Kelly, you're on register.

305. - Oh, I've never done that before.

306. - Oh, I know, you're gonna be so bad at it.

307. - Oh, Marcus, yes, you just float.

308. I want the customers to feel like you're everywhere.

309. - Nice. - MVP.

310. - We also need someone to run interference on Jeff.

311. Just keep him occupied with stories that are boring

312. that no one would ever care about.

313. - I—will do my best to act like somebody who does that.

314. - You don't need to act, I mean, you're brutal—

315. - Dina. - He knows what he is.

316. - All right, guys, listen up.

317. This is not a time for words.

318. But I should say

319. that this is a chance for this store to become bigger,

320. to become more.

321. But if we work together,

322. we can stop that from happening.

323. - All right, guys.

324. Bring it in. On three.

325. - Okay. - Ow, ow.

326. - Hold on a sec. - Okay, okay, okay.

327. - No pushing. - You just stepped on my foot.

328. - Okay, okay. - Be gentle.

329. - This is gonna work.

330. - Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

331. there is a carbon monoxide leak in the store.

332. It's the silent killer, so you're gonna wanna go.

333. Nope. Not that one.

334. - I mean, maybe it was just who we are

335. collectively as a nation at the time,

336. but things just really felt like they could be solved.

337. - I can't let you buy these. - Why?

338. - It's been recalled, sorry.

339. - All right, now it's buzzing at me like it's mad at me.

340. Or something.

341. Making some fruit salad?

342. - My wife needs this. - I promised her I'd get it.

343. Nobody needs coconut shrimp.

344. - Perhaps we've lost some innocence.

345. Perhaps the collective zeitgeist of the country

346. has soured.

347. - Here, let me help you with that.

348. Whoo! Not today, bro.

349. - Oh, we're in.

350. But it's not turning.

351. Ah. Almost.

352. - But then it got good again,

353. so I guess ultimately "Bloodline" was worth watching.

354. - While that's fascinating,

355. I'm not sure it constitutes an emergency

356. that we need to talk about right now,

357. so I gotta get back in there, okay?

358. - Wait, no, no, no, wait, no. - That wasn't the emergency.

359. No, that was—that was just pre-emergency small talk.

360. No, the, um, emergency

361. is, uh—

362. You.

363. - Aw, Jeff, come on.

364. You're obviously going through something and—and I—

365. I just want you to know that I see you,

366. and I am here if you ever wanna talk.

367. - I'd like that.

368. - Oh, you would, yeah, uh—

369. Cool.

370. - I'm torn.

371. On one hand, that doesn't look good on you.

372. On the other hand, what would?

373. - Yes, good work.

374. - I'm just saying what I feel

375. and people do not like what they're hearing.

376. I am a strong cup of coffee.

377. - We're still under and we only have five minutes till closing.

378. - We might just crap this bed yet.

379. - No, wait.

380. This has to be a mistake. We're like thousands under.

381. - No, we're not. - I couldn't stop him.

382. - Hell yeah.

383. Hot tub, son. Ha-ha!

384. Like we always dreamed of.

385. It's gonna be like living in a Holiday Inn Express.

386. - We can't afford a hot tub. - We got 20 grand now.

387. That's literally an infinite amount of money.

388. - No, Bo, you have to return that right now.

389. - Can't. It's a floor model. - No returns.

390. - Congrats. - We're officially Quad-A.

391. May God have mercy on us all.

392. - This is a disaster. - Why are you dropping balloons?

393. It's not my fault canceling balloon drop

394. looks the exact same as dropping balloons.

395. - You think you know where your life is going.

396. And then suddenly, you're 40,

397. running a rat race you don't even understand.

398. You're trying to fix everything on the outside.

399. So I get the boots, I get the earring.

400. - I get the lipo. - The hat.

401. The hat's working.

402. - Exactly. - Yeah, nothing.

403. - Okay, so I put all the important dates

404. on this pregnancy calendar, see?

405. Like the implantation and the ultrasounds.

406. So I guess you know what you're gonna be doing

407. with all your free time for the next nine months.

408. - Great, I'll be pregnant when it's really hot.

409. That's fun.

410. - Cheyenne, do you really wanna do this?

411. - Mm-hmm.

412. I'm really happy about it.

413. - The deal's off.

414. - No, I can do it.

415. - I don't want you to.

416. Because I don't want my baby carried by a huge stinker,

417. like you.

418. You're a fat bitch.

419. Oh, wait, you're being nice.

420. - No, I'm not being nice. - I'm being mean.

421. And—now I don't want a big stinky baby

422. from a big stinker like you.

423. Get out of my office.

424. You're stinking up the place.

425. Pee-yew! Ugh.

426. Go take a bath in some tomatoes.

427. Quad-A, after all.

428. We were so close.

429. - I just gotta say—

430. Been a privilege taking breaks with you guys.

431. Sitting here, looking at my phone,

432. while you guys are looking at your phones.

433. I'm gonna miss it.

434. - We never appreciated what we had here.

435. - Let's relax. - It was a crappy store.

436. - Yeah, fair enough.

437. - It'll be fine, you guys.

438. We'll clean as we go.

439. We'll clean as we go.

440. - How do you get money stains off your hands?

441. - You know how when you handle money,

442. the ink comes off on your hands?

443. - Another counterfeit.

444. - But I used the pen thingy and it was yellow.

445. - Yeah, that means fake. - You want brown.

446. - I thought it was, If it's yellow, let it mellow.

447. Wait, no, that's piss.

448. - There are so many of these.

449. - We're not Quad-A. - We did it!

450. - Alright! - You tiny little fool.

451. - We're not number one. - We're not nu—no.

452. It doesn't work as well.

453. - I guess it was when Mateo dumped me, you know, I just—

454. I just dove into my work,

455. 'cause I thought that would be fulfilling, but—

456. So here I am, on the cusp of having a Quad-A store

457. and it's like, I don't even know if I want that, you know?

458. - Oh, actually, we didn't make Quad-A.

459. Dammit.

460. - Oh, no, it's gonna be— - No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

461. This is bad. I can't go home, Jonah.

462. I'm. I'm.

463. I bought a Subaru! That money's gone!

464. Gone. I couldn't wait a week?

465. One week. No discipline.

466. !

467. - Hey, Glenn. - Mm.

468. - Just wanted to let you know we didn't make the target.

469. No Quad-A.

470. - Oh, okay.

471. Yeah, I'll be fine.

472. I was so close to having a baby.

473. But—

474. You wanna be my surrogate?

475. - The idea of carrying your child

476. makes me wanna put a bullet through my uterus.

477. - I was joking.

478. I wouldn't want you to carry my baby

479. if you paid me the $20,000.

480. Just for someone to squirt out your kid?

481. - Well, yeah, a little bit more.

482. - I mean, that's practically what I take home in a year.

483. I could fix up my house. Pay off my credit card bills.

484. I could put my mom away for good with money like that.

485. - Well, I mean—

486. If that's something you wanted, I could think about it.

487. - I mean, if you were interested

488. then I would think about it.

489. - It's not something I want. - Oh, I would want it far less.

490. - Okay. - Okay.

491. - This is cool.

492. You know, I've always wanted

493. to have a family of my own someday,

494. so it'll be great to have a practice baby

495. where nothing matters.

496. - Wait, wait— - Like, whatever happens to it

497. happens to it, you know?