Superstore 2x7

1. - Would you just listen? - No.

2. - If we line up the voters this way,

3. they'll be shuttled towards the impulse buys.

4. - There are going to be millions of new customers in here,

5. and you're focused on the chewing gum?

6. Why not funnel them towards, I don't know,

7. the big-ticket stuff?

8. Get your head in the game.

9. - Oh, my head is in the game.

10. I've been here since 4:00 a.m.

11. I've already had three meals.

12. - It's not even 7:00. - That's too many meals.

13. - It's 7:00. - We should open.

14. - Good idea. - I'm on it.

15. Let the democratic process begin.

16. - No, I'm in charge.

17. I get to let the voters in.

18. Let the democratic process begin.

19. - No, you messed it up. - I know what the code is.

20. - Yeah, but I already put in the first three digits.

21. - Okay, so what's clear?

22. - That's enter. - You got to go back.

23. No!

24. Great. Three wrong codes, so now we have to wait

25. five minutes before we can try again.

26. - Yeah. - Thanks, Dina.

27. I'm sorry. It'll be a few minutes.

28. - Attention Cloud 9 shoppers, Election Day is here,

29. and we're offering up big discounts

30. on all American-made products.

31. So that's 40% off your generic medications,

32. inferior electronics, and cheese curls.

33. - What is a comptroller?

34. - Something to do with computers, I think.

35. - Really? Or do those two words just sound the same?

36. - They sound the same. - Yeah.

37. Doesn't mean it's not true, though.

38. - What is this?

39. - "Official Cloud 9 Election Guide."

40. - They're trying to tell us who to vote for!

41. - I don't know what you're complaining about.

42. I love getting mail.

43. - You don't think it's a little misleading?

44. "Jack Peterson supports your right to work,"

45. which is basically just another way of saying "anti-union."

46. - Let's not use the U-word.

47. - While Gary 'Slick' Langham"-- - "Slick."

48. They're actually using the nickname his opponent gave him.

49. - Langham "has never gone on record as being pro-America."

50. - What's his problem?

51. - Glenn, it just seems really shady.

52. Are they even allowed to do this?

53. It's not like anyone around here ever reads anything anyway.

54. - Yeah, we do! - That's ridiculous.

55. - Oh? What was the emergency safety memo

56. I sent out last week about?

57. - Um... - The...

58. - See? - Relax.

59. It'll be fine.

60. By the way, the answer was the building got an F

61. in tornado preparedness.

62. The inspector says this place is a house of cards.

63. - Hey. I'm just reminding everyone to vote.

64. We want a 100% employee turnout.

65. A lot of people died so you could vote.

66. Also, a lot of horses died.

67. We always forget about the horses.

68. - Oh, I'm not 18 yet.

69. You know, it's funny. I can drink, but I can't vote.

70. - Well, I'll be definitely getting my vote on.

71. Hey!

72. - Okay, good.

73. Also, voting time is unpaid.

74. Nobody paid those horses to die.

75. - Cheyenne, can you keep a secret?

76. - Oh, my God. - Not really, but go.

77. - Okay.

78. A few months ago, I found out that I'm actually undocumented.

79. - Oh. - Yeah.

80. - Okay.

81. I don't know what that means.

82. - It means that I'm an illegal alien.

83. No, I'm— I'm human,

84. who happens to live in the country illegally.

85. - Oh. - That's your secret?

86. I thought you were gonna tell me about how you're dating Jeff.

87. - Wait. - You know about that?

88. - Yeah, but don't worry.

89. I only told my baby,

90. and she's not gonna tell anybody.

91. She doesn't have any friends.

92. - Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

93. When Dina finds out I can't vote,

94. she'll figure out what's going on and fire me.

95. - Oh, you can't just get one of those "I voted" stickers

96. and say that you voted?

97. - Oh. Yeah. - Right.

98. Chey!

99. You are so much smarter than what I tell people.

100. - Aww, thank you.

101. So, do you love Jeff?

102. - Shut up. - I don't know. Maybe.

103. - Oh, gosh, Syd, I guess if I was pressed,

104. I'd have to say

105. Buzz Aldrin, Bruce Lee, or Murphy Brown.

106. - Beep. Beep. - Java truck comin' through.

107. - What're you doing?

108. - American coffee for these American heroes.

109. Actually, the beans are from Rwanda,

110. but the water's from the good ol' faucet in the men's room.

111. - Well, as I'm sure Syd here will tell you,

112. you can't give poll workers gifts.

113. That's called bribery.

114. Actually, I usually have a Danish with my coffee.

115. Oh.

116. - Yum. - So do I. Yeah.

117. - Fine, I guess I'll go buy myself a Danish.

118. - Have a heavenly snack. - Enjoy it.

119. - Yeah.

120. Could you move?

121. Oh, hi, I'm Glenn.

122. I really want these poll workers to love me.

123. - I'm not the one throwing myself at Syd

124. like some kind of cigarette girl.

125. - Oh, please. - Yeah, please—move!

126. - No, I'm sitting here. - I'm putting this here.

127. - Find somewhere else for it go. - No, I'm putting it there.

128. - Aah, it's hot!

129. What did you do?

130. - I didn't do it! - You did it with your tushy!

131. - Damn it. - Distract them.

132. - What?

133. - It's totally slanted.

134. They're just pushing the pro-business,

135. anti-worker candidates.

136. - What? A corporation doing something unethical?

137. To protect its interests?

138. This is shocking!

139. - All right. - Maybe Glenn's right.

140. Maybe it doesn't matter.

141. Hey, Marcus?

142. Who did you vote for for state senate?

143. He's pro-freedom and anti-bad guys,

144. and those are two things I can get behind.

145. Hey, are we still on for drinks tonight?

146. - Please stop asking us. - No.

147. - We never were. - Ah, cool.

148. Well, we'll figure it out later.

149. - God, people will believe anything

150. with the word "official" on it.

151. Do you know what we should do?

152. No, never mind. It's stupid.

153. No, I'm gonna say it.

154. We should make our own pamphlet with the truth.

155. - Ooh.

156. - A rogue pamphlet?

157. You're crazy, lady.

158. - I think that's a great idea,

159. and I have layout experience.

160. I was the editor— - Editor on your high school—

161. - I already told you that story. - Forget it.

162. - I am in. - Me too!

163. - Couldn't be less interested.

164. - Hey, should we invite Sandra to drinks tonight?

165. Or is it just the core four?

166. You guys are busy.

167. Everyone's busy.

168. Could I just snag one of these stickers?

169. - Oh, these are just for people who voted.

170. - I would, but I just don't like any of the candidates.

171. Trump's all like—

172. and Hillary's all—

173. Anyway, enough politics. I just need a sticker.

174. - Well, I'm sure the store sells stickers.

175. - I'm not just trying to collect stickers.

176. I'm a grown man.

177. Oh, my God— is that James Brolin?

178. - Who?

179. - Barbra Streisand's husband?

180. Josh Brolin's dad?

181. Diane Lane's ex-father-in-law? Am I crazy?

182. Sir, you know who James Brolin is, right?

183. - What's he running for?

184. - Oh, my God.

185. - Oh, yeah. - That's drying up real nice.

186. Did you write yourself in for attorney general?

187. - Could've been anyone.

188. Come on. Hurry up.

189. You know we got to get these back before anyone notices.

190. - You know what I just realized?

191. There's, like, 50 ballots here.

192. That could change the outcome of a close election,

193. so we could be changing the course of history.

194. - You think so? - Sure. Think about it.

195. Right now, you and I could be setting into effect

196. a chain of events that could cause

197. the colonization of Mars or World War III

198. and billions of innocent deaths.

199. You know, it's funny, I try so hard to keep

200. God out of the workplace, and yet, here I am,

201. in the workplace,

202. and I am God.

203. What are you doing?

204. - We need to speed this up.

205. - No, turn it off! - I'm trying!

206. Oh! Oh!

207. Come back!

208. - Okay. We're just gonna have to face the music and tell Syd.

209. - We tampered with an election. - Do you know how serious that is?

210. - It was a goof-up!

211. - We have to cover our tracks.

212. We've got to come up with an alibi

213. for what we've been doing all day.

214. - Okay, uh...

215. We were in my office.

216. - And we were working. - Too vague.

217. The more specific the lie, the more believable it is.

218. Okay, we were in your office because you were telling me

219. about the affair you've been having

220. with your dental hygienist.

221. She likes when you dance for her.

222. - I do not want to be having an affair!

223. - Do you want to go to jail? - No!

224. - Then you've been dancing for Shelley!

225. - All right, fine! - Okay.

226. I'll erase the security cam footage.

227. You need to find a field at least an hour's drive from here

228. and bury that ballot box, and I mean bury it deep.

229. Then we can never, ever, ever tell anyone—

230. - Hey!

231. - Not to put my head in the lion's mouth,

232. but now I'm thinking Times New Roman.

233. - Times New Roman would be a fine font, Jonah,

234. and so would Helvetica and Garamond,

235. and really any font would be just fine.

236. - Not Wingdings.

237. - No one was suggesting Wingdings.

238. - Oh, you guys looking at porn?

239. - What? No. - We're making the pamphlet.

240. - Wow! And they said it couldn't be done.

241. But lo and behold, here you are doing it,

242. making a pamphlet!

243. - I feel like he's mocking us.

244. Ooh, what about Palatino?

245. - Oh, Palatino's nice, actually.

246. - You watching porn?

247. - Yup. - Mm.

248. Oh, I know that girl.

249. - Guess who got a sticker.

250. - Oh, my God, really?

251. - I made it myself.

252. Yeah.

253. I appreciate it.

254. The thought, not the sticker,

255. because it's useless.

256. It's garbage. 'Kay?

257. - Hey, girl. - Hey.

258. - Bitching color, boo. - I know, right?

259. - Yeah, really brings out the blueness of her veins.

260. Listen, I've been thinking about it a lot lately,

261. and I have decided that you are my best friend in the store.

262. - Me? Really? - Yeah.

263. - Okay, well, you're nice too.

264. - Yeah, I am nice.

265. Anyway, I've been thinking about it,

266. and I feel like we should just have

267. a good old-fashioned girlfriend gabfest.

268. Maybe you could tell me if you've seen or heard

269. anything suspicious recently.

270. - Mm. - Suspicious?

271. - Yeah, you know, like... - I don't know...

272. if you know of anybody doing anything illegal.

273. Dish, girlfriend!

274. - Mm. - Um, no.

275. - Really?

276. 'Cause, you know, there's nothing I hate more

277. than when my best friends lie to me.

278. - Okay, I have to go.

279. I have to pee really bad.

280. Excuse me.

281. - You want me to come with?

282. That's what best girlfriends do, right?

283. - Do you think she knows? - It's hard to say.

284. She's either playing dumb or just is.

285. - Jack Peterson is anti-union, anti-worker,

286. but Gary Langham wants to raise minimum wage—

287. - And expand sick days. - Paid sick days.

288. - I don't know about youse guys,

289. but I'm fed up with these corporate fat cats.

290. - Not all warehouse workers are from 1950s Brooklyn.

291. - You know what, I'm fed up with these corporate fat cats too.

292. - I'll take one of those. - Hey!

293. - She's a good broad, huh? - And you're a good guy, Jonah.

294. - Thank you very much. - I appreciate it.

295. - You really think Dina knows?

296. - Maybe. She asked me a lot of weird questions.

297. - The stupid poll worker lady is guarding those stickers

298. like it's her last tub of Activia.

299. - Oh, hey. - Mateo, did you vote?

300. - Oh, my God. Why is everyone obsessed with voting today?

301. - Oh.

302. So then, I take the I train

303. from the docks to my mother's house in Flatbush.

304. Hey, youse a good kid,

305. respecting your mother like that.

306. - Yeah, but sometimes, you got to say,

307. "Hey, Ma, I'm going out with the fellas."

308. - Yeah. - "I'll see you at church."

309. - Oh, your guy's religious.

310. - No, he goes to church

311. to respect his mother's old-world values.

312. - Sure. - Obviously.

313. - That's the story.

314. - You know, don't take this the wrong way,

315. but I feel like you've become a lot more fun

316. since I've known you.

317. - Thanks.

318. And if I may return the compliment,

319. I think you've become marginally less annoying.

320. Don't make me blush in front of the fellas, huh?

321. - Hey, Syd. - Everything all right?

322. You were in there a while.

323. - Yeah, it's okay.

324. - We just wanted to make sure

325. there were enough poll workers out there,

326. 'cause, you know, we wouldn't want any voter fraud to happen.

327. - Even though, as I keep telling him,

328. there's almost no voter fraud in this country.

329. I mean, it's not worth the penalty of, um...

330. - $10,000 and five years in prison.

331. - Did you say "prison"?

332. - Or "prism"? - Why would he say "prism"?

333. What's five years in prism?

334. - Let him answer.

335. - Prison.

336. - With an N or an M? - Oh, my God.

337. - So then I rip up my note cards.

338. - And say, "Fellow students, forget these note cards."

339. - Going rogue.

340. - "I'm going to speak from my heart."

341. - And then, from the back of the auditorium, Renee yells—

342. - No. - Mm-mm.

343. - "Those cards are blank!"

344. - Oh! - Renee is the worst.

345. - I haven't even told you about the Winter Ball story—

346. - Surprise!

347. - Oh, hey. - Hi.

348. What are you— what are you doing here?

349. - You said you'd help me pick out some towels.

350. Oh, hi. I'm Naomi.

351. - Oh, Naomi, this is Amy. - She's my boss.

352. Amy, this is Naomi. She—we're—

353. - Oh, it's okay. - We don't have to label it yet.

354. It's nice to meet you.

355. - You too. - As well.

356. Yeah.

357. - Naomi works the cheese booth

358. at the farmers market by my house.

359. - Yes, the cheese booth, not the soap booth.

360. I forgot about that guy!

361. "Where's the soap booth?"

362. Yeah.

363. - This guy sounds crazy.

364. - So do you have time now?

365. - Yeah, well— Amy, is it cool if I help Naomi

366. and then we'll do the pamphlet stuff after?

367. - Yeah. - Of course that's cool.

368. Wow, a new apartment. A new man.

369. It's a good time to be Naomi, hey?

370. Yeah. Thanks.

371. - Okay. - All right.

372. - Oh, my God.

373. - Rats gave birth in the nacho cheese.

374. Cooked themselves to death.

375. - Thank you.

376. - Hey, Marcus!

377. Hey... you've been to prison, right?

378. - Yeah. - I mean, like, barely.

379. Long enough to form lifelong friendships.

380. - How do you think a guy like me would do in there?

381. - Baby face. - Kind eyes.

382. Soft skin. Cute tummy.

383. You'd be very popular.

384. - Oh. - Well, that's good.

385. - No, that's bad.

386. That's very bad.

387. - Oh.

388. Let's say, hypothetically,

389. that two people accidentally committed a crime.

390. There may have been a witness.

391. - Okay, well, if it were me,

392. I guess I'd get my partner to confess on tape.

393. That way, if it went south,

394. you could trade that in for a reduced sentence.

395. That's what my mom did to me.

396. - Huh.

397. Okay.

398. Thanks.

399. - Hey, Marcus. - You've been to prison, right?

400. - Oh-ho-ho. - Look who's in demand today.

401. - Yeah, that's a very "you" towel. - Okay, you can have that one.

402. - No? - All right.

403. - Did you guys meet Naomi?

404. She's super cute.

405. - Yeah, she's really cute for Jonah.

406. - Do you think they're serious?

407. - Oh, yeah. - They've had sex, like, 11 times.

408. - Really? - I don't know.

409. - You okay, sweetie? - You seem stressed.

410. - Oh. - Oh.

411. My shoulders are so tight.

412. What are you doing?

413. - I was trying to feel your breasts.

414. - Maybe he's drunk.

415. There's a lot of drunk people here.

416. I just noticed something on the ballot about a "Supertrain."

417. but it sounds more powerful than a normal train.

418. Let's make this happen, people.

419. Vote Supertrain.

420. - Testing.

421. - Hey, you wanted to see me?

422. - Yeah. - Come on in.

423. I thought we should talk about

424. all the stuff that went on today.

425. - Yeah. Actually, I was thinking the same thing.

426. It would be great to just get on the same page.

427. - So, Dina Fox.

428. 4:17 on November 8th, 2016, right?

429. - Yeah. Crazy day, especially given

430. all the things you did, Glenn Sturgis,

431. son of Arthur and Marian Sturgis.

432. - Hey.

433. I'm sorry. I didn't know Naomi was coming in today.

434. - No, it's— I mean, it's totally fine.

435. I was just surprised.

436. I didn't even know you were dating anyone.

437. - Oh.

438. Is that something that I'm supposed to inform you about or?

439. - No! - No, I don't care.

440. I was just making conversation.

441. - So the new shift starts soon.

442. Do you want me to just hand these out as people clock in—

443. - Oh, do you know what?

444. - Hey, you're gonna vote how I tell you to vote,

445. or I swear to God,

446. I'm gonna put a cricket in your house,

447. and you'll never know where it is,

448. and it'll drive you crazy.

449. - Yeah. Well, you were busy, and, you know,

450. I figured your shift is over, so...

451. - Yeah. Yeah, no. - Cool.

452. Okay, then, I'm gonna clock out.

453. - Yeah. See you tomorrow. - Okay.

454. - We're gonna vote right now. - Put me down! My bones!

455. Put me down!

456. - He's such an idiot.

457. - Okay. - Don't ask me any questions,

458. but I want to buy your sticker.

459. I can't tell you why.

460. - Okay.

461. - It's just, you know, it's kind of a secret.

462. - I absolutely do not care.

463. Excuse me.

464. - It's kind of a long story. - Do not care.

465. - Okay.

466. - You know, that's funny, because I distinctly remembered

467. you destroying the ballots, Glenn Sturgis.

468. - Well, that's really funny, because how could I have?

469. I was in my office all day long...

470. having an affair with my dental hygienist, Shelley.

471. - Excuse me.

472. - Just wanted to let you know I voted.

473. - We're having a casual conversation!

474. - Get out! - Okay.

475. - District 35, where we are projecting

476. pro-labor candidate Gary Langham will prevail.

477. - Yes! - Yes!

478. We did it! We got Langham elected!

479. - Ames! - Did you see?

480. - Yes! - We did it!

481. - I know! - It's amazing!

482. - Oh, it's such a rush. - Thank you for involving me.

483. - No, thank you! - We made a good team.

484. - We did, didn't we? - Yeah, we did.

485. - Ew, no. - Marcus, what the hell?

486. - What? I thought this was, like,

487. a flirty thing we were doing.

488. - No. - I'm so sorry. Wow.

489. I totally misread that. Ugh.

490. - I mean, it's okay. - I just—I was just startled.

491. I was just a little— Marcus!

492. - You just said it's okay.

493. - Hey, Dorothy. - Uh-huh?

494. - We're missing 53 ballots.

495. - Really?

496. Jeez, that's way down from last time.

497. - Just tell me what you did. - No, you tell me what you did!

498. I, Glenn Sturgis, deliberately destroyed—

499. - 50 United States ballots. - Stop making me say that!

500. - And then I covered it up, which is dumb, because I'm dumb.

501. - And I destroyed the ballots 'cause I'm a big, stupid meanie!