1. Good morning, everyone.
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2. Hey, who here likes cash, huh?
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3. Oh, good, I'm glad you're excited,
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4. because our computer system is down,
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5. so today all we can take is cash.
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6. - What?
- Why are you waving
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7. the cash around like that?
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8. I thought it would make you excited.
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9. Like I was gonna give you
the cash or something.
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10. - Yeah.
- Hey, where's Amy?
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11. Oh, she's been late a lot lately.
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12. Last Thursday, last Monday.
Thursday before that.
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13. Oh, no. What if Emma was kidnapped?
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14. Yeah, what if she's getting kidnapped
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15. every Monday and Thursday morning?
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16. It has nothing to do with Emma, okay?
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17. It's a personal thing.
End of conversation.
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18. - Is it?
- Beginning of conversation.
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19. - "Personal thing"?
- Oh, my God, is she sick?
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20. Zika, I bet. Everyone's getting Zika.
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21. You know what? It's probably drugs.
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22. You can tell from her teeth.
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23. It is not drugs!
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24. It's just marriage counseling.
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25. - What?
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26. How is that worse than drugs?
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27. Is Amy gonna get divorced?
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28. Look, I shouldn't have
said anything, okay?
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29. Look, Adam hasn't even moved out.
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30. He's just sleeping in the basement.
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31. - What?
- Shut up!
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32. How is that worse than divorce?
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33. - Oh, my God.
- That is so bad.
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34. She told me this in confidence.
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35. So, you know, just clam
up your face holes.
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36. Here she is. Shut up.
Just shut up, just shut up!
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37. - Shut up! Shut up!
- Be normal, be normal.
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38. - Shut up! Shut up!
- Be normal!
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39. Sorry I'm late. Traffic.
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40. - It's okay.
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41. Oh, man, traffic will slow things down.
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42. Oh, dude, especially
in this town, you know?
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43. - With all the cars.
- Traffic.
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44. Sorry.
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45. Oh, okay. So everybody knows
about my counseling.
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46. Well, they do now!
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47. Oh, hey.
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48. I just wanted to let you know
I restocked all the toothpaste
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49. that Myrtle decided looked
"just fine" in electronics, so...
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50. And?
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51. And... what?
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52. Well, I know there's more.
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53. No, there's not. There's just...
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54. There's just no shame in counseling.
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55. - Is all I'm saying.
- And there it is.
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56. No. Mental health is important
and it shouldn't be stigmatized.
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57. - I think it's ridiculous that...
- Jonah, please stop.
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58. I know you're trying to help me
and I really appreciate it,
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59. but I don't want to talk about it, okay?
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60. I don't. I just want everybody
to treat me normally.
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61. Okay?
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62. Oh, hey, Sandra, I...
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63. - Shh.
- Oh, God.
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64. It's okay.
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65. You are loved.
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66. Mm-hmm.
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67. Hey, Adam, it's Carol at Cloud 9.
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68. I got your number off of
Amy's emergency contact form.
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69. I heard about you and Amy,
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70. and I just wanted to see
how you were you-ing.
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71. "Youing"? How you were doing.
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72. Why am I so nervous?
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73. You trusted me with a secret,
and I betrayed you.
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74. I'm a monster.
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75. If you want, you can tell everyone
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76. something embarrassing about me.
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77. A tiny spider once crawled
into the entrance of my...
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78. Okay, I just... I don't really
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79. wanna talk about this anymore.
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80. Oh, Franklin and Bash, gabbin' away.
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81. - What you talking about?
- Nothing.
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82. - Spider story.
- Amy!
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83. Listen. Buck up, buttercup.
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84. I know exactly what you need.
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85. Ladies' lunch.
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86. Huh? You, me, whoever, not Glenn.
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87. Um... yeah, no.
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88. I'm not really in the mood.
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89. Come on. We can gab and dish
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90. and talk about our periods.
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91. Your red zone usually starts
around the 24th, right?
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92. Wha... is that something
I'm supposed to know?
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93. I am the worst friend.
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94. Yeah, you are.
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95. Guys, it's not that big a deal.
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96. It's just counseling.
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97. - They're gonna be fine.
- Yeah, but if
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98. the marriage goes pffft...
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99. I call dibs on Amy.
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100. But you can't just call dibs on a human.
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101. Why, did you already call it?
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102. Did I? No, I... no.
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103. - I don't have any interest in...
- He's already got
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104. - a girlfriend.
- Oh.
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105. No, actually, Naomi and I broke up.
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106. - Whoa!
- Because of Amy?
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107. No, gross. Because she thought
of me more as a brother.
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108. But you don't have dibs on Amy, then.
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109. - No.
- Cool. Dibs! Dibs infinity!
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110. No takebacks. Mm! Yeah!
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111. Durbs!
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112. I feel so bad for her.
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113. Oh, she is this close to a breakdown.
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114. I know.
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115. I don't know what I
would do without Jeff.
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116. I can't believe she's still
pretending to be dating Jeff.
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117. I'm dating Jeff, okay?
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118. She's dating no one.
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119. That's how the world works.
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120. Someone sounds jealous.
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121. I wish there were some customers here.
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122. I can't believe I just said that.
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123. Ooh, nice assist!
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124. Hey, I played basketball
when I was a kid
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125. until my parents let me stop.
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126. - Okay, well...
- Oh, hey, check it out.
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127. - Moving target.
- Oh, bring it on.
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128. - Three points.
- Okay.
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129. - Hey, oh!
- Oh, yeah!
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130. In your face, Brett!
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131. Wait, I don't get it.
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132. It's one of the slowest days
we've ever had.
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133. Why can't one of the
warehouse guys load this?
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134. I don't know. Dina just told me to
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135. and when I asked her why,
she said, "Shut up, Sandra."
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136. Shut up, Sandra!
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137. - What are you...
- Ladies' lunch.
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138. No. No! No!
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139. - I said no!
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140. This is for your own good.
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141. Yeah, you didn't have to
kidnap me, Dina.
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142. Kidnapping is what you do to children.
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143. You're pushing 40. I abducted you.
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144. All right, everybody. First
on the agenda: free talk.
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145. A couple of ground rules. No shop talk.
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146. Also, no religion or politics.
Too divisive.
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147. Also, don't tell a story about someone
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148. we don't all know.
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149. It makes people feel excluded.
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150. Other than that, sky's the limit.
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151. Have you guys heard
the new Fetty Wap song?
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152. We're not talking about music!
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153. Okay? That's just a bunch of sounds,
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154. and I can hear that anywhere.
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155. Three, two, one!
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156. Muffin ball!
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157. - Into the mop bucket!
- Yes, that's a niner!
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158. He's looking to ten it.
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159. - Oh!
- Ow!
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160. - Oh!
- You guys!
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161. Are you literally insane?
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162. Sorry, Mateo. Could you throw us back
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163. the muffin ball, though?
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164. I could. But I won't.
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165. Hey, yo, you know what?
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166. - We should get blockers.
- I was just gonna say that.
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167. Hey, thanks, Mateo!
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168. I'm having a lot of fun with you.
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169. Don't ever say that to me again.
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170. Just get the blockers.
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171. Can I start you ladies off
with some drinks, or...
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172. No, we don't drink.
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173. Can you imagine?
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174. glug, glug, glug, glug.
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175. Oh, uh, white wine. Two ice cubes.
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176. I'll take a Rusty Spaniard.
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177. - I'm gonna have to see some ID.
- Are you kidding?
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178. Look at her face. She's, like, 2,000.
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179. This is embarrassing.
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180. I left my ID at the lawyer office.
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181. That's fine. What do you want?
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182. I'll have four beers, please.
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183. How about we order our
meals at the same time
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184. and then maybe you can
just bring the check now.
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185. That would be great. Thank you.
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186. So what is fast?
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187. All right, Marcus, alley-oop
me into the cooler, okay?
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188. Now, Brett, come back,
come back, come back!
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189. - Oh, no!
- Damn it!
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190. He's got the moves like Jagger.
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191. - That's your fault, Marcus.
- Me? Get your head
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192. - in the game, man.
- Mateo tattles me
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193. that you're playing a game
instead of working.
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194. Seriously, dude?
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195. Yeah, you're misusing baked goods
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196. and hurting people's cashmere, so...
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197. - Come on, man.
- I'm sorry,
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198. but this game is over, okay?
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199. I'm throwing this away.
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200. Oh!
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201. - Did you see that?
- What?
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202. Glenn, you just got a mannequin bumper.
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203. Is that good?
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204. - Uhh!
- Phew, I don't know.
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205. - Is the best you can do good?
- Whoo.
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206. Come on, you had to play this before.
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207. No, I swear. I mean, I'm on
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208. my church's Wiffle ball team.
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209. Well, I get the emails.
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210. Ooh, well, I don't know.
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211. I mean, I'd say you're a natural.
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212. - I mean, that was incredible.
- Mm-hmm.
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213. - Yeah?
- Glenn, they're obviously
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214. - manipulating you.
- You're just jealous
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215. because I got a manne-bump
on my first try.
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216. Please! Anyone can hit
that stupid mannequin.
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217. - Really?
- Prove it.
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218. - Oh!
- Ho!
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219. - Nice, Mateo!
- Oh, yeah!
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220. - I did it.
- Yeah.
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221. - Yeah, you did.
- I'm an athlete.
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222. - Hey!
- I'm an athlete.
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223. I did it! I'm Simone Biles!
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224. - I'm Simone Biles!
- Who?
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225. Yes! Simone Biles!
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226. - The Olympic gymnast.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
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227. - Ohh, thank you.
- Okay, so...
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228. why don't we go around the circle
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229. and each name our favorite
part of the penis?
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230. I'll go first. The bottom.
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231. So, Cheyenne,
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232. how are things with you and Bo?
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233. Great. You know, same old Bo.
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234. Little dangerous, little mysterious,
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235. little dyslexic.
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236. He recently lost his flip-flops
so, you know...
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237. ups and downs.
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238. And, um, Sandra, you're still with Jeff?
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239. Um, yeah. It's fine.
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240. - It's fine?
- This is ladies' lunch, Sandra.
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241. We need deets.
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242. Oh, okay. Um...
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243. We spend hours on the phone,
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244. just talking.
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245. He loves my taste in music.
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246. I spend the night at his hotel
when he's in town.
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247. We make love on silk sheets.
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248. Oh, God, he's... gentle
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249. and strong.
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250. Sometimes he's dark.
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251. He took me to the edge
of his balcony once
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252. and he asked, "Are you afraid?"
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253. And I said, "Yes."
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254. And he said, "Good."
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255. That's how I feel with you."
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256. And then we made love.
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257. - And then we ate dinner.
- Mm...
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258. - And it was fancy.
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259. He thinks I'm prettier than my sister.
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260. Yeah.
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261. So when you say the bottom,
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262. you mean the base
or, like, the underside?
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263. Um, I'd have to say,
like, just the full underneath.
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264. Mm-hmm.
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265. Loose muffin! Loose muffin!
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266. Go, go, go, go, go!
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267. Yeah!
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268. Go ahead, man. Shoot!
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269. You got nothing, bro.
Take a shot, I dare you.
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270. Take it easy, jeez.
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271. Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do about it?
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272. Call your girlfriend Amy?
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273. What? No. That's... why would I...
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274. Boom!
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275. - I'm the muffin man now, bitch!
- That's
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276. Hey, Adam. It's Carol.
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277. I had a missed call
from an unknown caller.
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278. I thought maybe that was you.
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279. Anyways, I'm at lunch with you know who.
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280. Awkward!
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281. Okay, this is gonna sound so naughty,
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282. but should we get
another round of drinks?
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283. We shouldn't, should we?
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284. Nope. We should really get going.
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285. You're not even trying to have fun.
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286. And Myrtle's not done yet.
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287. Look, I really appreciate
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288. this gesture, I do.
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289. This was very nice of you,
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290. but this is... terrible.
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291. It's depressing and... and awkward.
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292. We have nothing to talk about.
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293. And I know this sounds weird,
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294. but this food smells like bowling.
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295. Yeah, um...
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296. Yeah, I'm sorry this wasn't perfect.
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297. It's actually the first
ladies' lunch I've ever thrown.
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298. I don't have a lot of
female friends, so, uh...
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299. Yeah, let's just get going.
This was stupid.
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300. No. We can stay.
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301. No, it's fine. Forget it, I'll just...
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302. I'll pay the check. Ron?
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303. No, no, no. We can stay, Dina.
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304. I want to stay.
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305. Ron, keep 'em coming!
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306. - Whoo!
- Bottoms up!
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307. Salute!
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308. Ugh! Okay, Cheyenne,
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309. Marcus, Brett, Peter. Go.
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310. Okay. I would bang Marcus...
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311. - Ugh!
- Marry Brett...
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312. and kill Bo's mom.
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313. No, Cheyenne, she's not an option.
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314. - That's not the game.
- I don't care.
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315. She sucks!
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316. - Okay, um, okay.
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317. Glenn, Garrett and Darren.
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318. Okay, obviously, I'd kill Glenn.
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319. Um, probably just like slit his throat
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320. or tear him limb from limb.
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321. - Uh, then I'd marry Darren,
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322. and I've already
Garrett, so I guess him again.
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323. No. No, no, no, really. I have.
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324. Don't know why we're laughing,
because I did.
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325. On Black Friday after we all got sick.
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326. I had to erase the
security camera footage.
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327. - Uh!
- E-excuse me!
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328. Where are the paper towels?
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329. I'm sorry, I don't think
we sell those here.
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330. I got it! I'm going for it!
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331. I'm going for it!
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332. Not in my store!
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333. - Oh!
- Oh, my God!
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334. - Glenn.
- Oh, my...
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335. Oh, my God. Are you okay?
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336. I can see the whole store from up here.
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337. Oh, no.
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338. He's gonna be fine.
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339. Excuse me. Can I...
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340. Excuse me, sir?
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341. Sir, this lady here, she'd...
When you have a second.
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342. Sir?
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343. Thanks for trying.
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344. You're welcome.
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345. If you wanna sit here
while you wait, you can.
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346. Okay.
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347. I'll sit.
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348. So do you think you and Adam
will stay together?
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349. - Of course.
- Mm-hmm.
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350. I think. I don't know. I mean...
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351. Look, Adam and I have been together
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352. a really long time.
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353. And I just wanna know
that if we are together
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354. it's because we want to be,
and not because
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355. we're afraid of change.
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356. Oh, you know, if worse comes to worse,
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357. my cousin knows a divorce
lawyer in Little Rock.
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358. Three jet skis in that garage.
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359. You'd be in good hands.
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360. Thanks.
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361. But I'm not good at change.
I-I never change anything.
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362. I've had the same haircut
since I was in high school.
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363. - Whoa!
- And every now and then
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364. I'm like, maybe I'll change my hair.
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365. And then... I don't.
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366. I should not be drinking this!
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367. I am so out of control!
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368. Oh. You okay?
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369. No, I'm... I'm fine.
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370. I just wanna relax here
on the beach for a while.
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371. And since Brett's knee is still injured
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372. from his MMA fight, Jonah will be
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373. taking his place in the final shootout.
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374. His opponent will be decided
by a simple...
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375. - I'll do it.
- Okay.
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376. I wasn't finished talking,
but I guess this game
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377. has made monsters out of all of us.
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378. All right, this is it.
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379. Winner gets Amy.
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380. You... what... you can't win a person
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381. by throwing a taped up
muffin at a bucket.
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382. Oh, yeah? Then what's this?
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383. - Boom!
- Yes!
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384. - USA! USA!
- USA! USA!
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385. We all live here.
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386. When he confronted the witches,
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387. it really grounded him.
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388. - Exactly.
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389. Does your husband or boyfriend
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390. like "Vampire Diaries"
as much as you do?
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391. Oh, I'm not seeing anyone.
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392. What about Jeff?
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393. - Who's Jeff?
- Her serious boyfriend.
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394. Oh, right. I do have a boyfriend.
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395. Sorry. 'Scuse me.
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396. Hi. Carol.
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397. Oh! I'm gonna get another Long
Island iced tea, beyotches!
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398. Whoo! Whoo!
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399. Diet Coke, please.
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400. It all comes down to this.
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401. They call him the Comeback Kid.
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402. But not a person in this place
thinks he can make this shot.
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403. He has absolutely no
athletic ability whatsoever.
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404. - Uh, okay.
- Never, in the history of sport
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405. has someone less qualified
stepped up to the plate.
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406. Oh!
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407. - Ooh! Team USA wins!
- Yes!
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408. - I win Amy.
- No. You don't win Amy!
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409. Nobody wins Amy! You don't get Amy!
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410. Wait, dude. Are you playing for Amy?
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411. Uh... no, I...
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412. Jonah, she's just in counseling.
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413. It doesn't mean her marriage is over.
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414. I know that. That's...
that's exactly my...
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415. Marcus keeps...
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416. Oh, whoa!
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417. I can't fall.
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418. Ow. Funny.
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419. Something looks different.
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420. What's up, Ames?
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421. Um...'sup?
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422. Hey, uh... keep me posted on things.
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423. What are you talking about?
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424. Just... whatever.
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425. I'm around.
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426. Hmm. Did that make sense to you?
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427. No.
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428. Good.
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429. Hello... hello, Glenn.
Good mor... afternoon.
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430. Good afternoon to you.
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431. How far would I have to
drive to see a prairie?
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432. I'm on it. I'll find that out right now.
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433. Thank you.
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434. Just in a second.
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435. Are you okay?
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436. Uh, yeah. I'm okay.
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437. 'Cause I am a professional, so...
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438. You want me to touch my
nose with my finger?
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439. No problem.
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440. Okay? You want me to do
the alphabet backwards?
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441. Sure. Z, Y...
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442. X.
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443. Is, uh... so you might hear
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444. something kinda funny.
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445. It's real funny.
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446. Um, to be clear, I don't
think I can win you.
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447. I mean... and I wouldn't
want to, even if I could.
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448. You know, people. We all win whoever,
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449. together, sexually.
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450. I can't follow you
because you talk so much.
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451. - I'm sorry...
- And... and also,
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452. I'm a little bit drunk.
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453. I'm sor...
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454. I'm a little bit drunk.
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455. Yes... you are so drunk.
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456. - Yes.
- Whoo.
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457. I'm so sorry. You were saying
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458. something about... I don't-what was I...
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459. - Who cares?
- A sexual...
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460. Oh, oh, Amy. Whoa. That's... okay...
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461. This is a workplace, okay?
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462. We don't talk like that here.
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463. You should get on home
with that kind of talk.
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464. 'Cause this... I don't know
what this is, but it's wrong.
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465. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
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466. Okay, I think we're done.
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467. What do you think?
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468. Oh... yeah.
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469. This really, um...
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470. It's... it's subtle.
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471. Well, I didn't wanna
change it up too much.
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472. You know, baby steps, right?
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473. Also, I don't really know
what I'm doing yet.
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474. Also, I'm drunk.
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475. Yeah, no, I...
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476. I like it, I like it.
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477. What? Did I cut too much off?
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478. Are you freaking out right now?
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479. No. No, no. I was just, um...
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480. I don't know. I was, like,
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481. thinking something more, like,
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482. Like this.
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