- 1. Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,
- 2. the store has been closed for 20 minutes.
- 3. Many of us would like to leave.
- 4. So, if you're still in the store,
- 5. you're being a dick.
- 6. Don't be a dick.
- 7. It's tough, because I have to live
- 8. with this trash can, you know?
- 9. Right. No, I get it.
- 10. It's a very big decision.
- 11. So, you know, maybe you could
go home tonight, sleep on it,
- 12. and decide tomorrow?
- 13. No, "decide tomorrow"
is what I said yesterday.
- 14. If I don't get
home and study for my midterm,
- 15. I'm totally screwed.
- 16. Oh, hey, you look so cute.
- 17. Thank you.
- 18. It's my senior dance recital tonight.
- 19. What? Why didn't you tell us?
- 20. Well, I can't perform
because of, you know, this.
- 21. Oh.
- 22. But I'm gonna go and
cheer on the other girls.
- 23. Yeah, if this bozo ever leaves the store.
- 24. Hey, Myrtle, go bust out
your hysterectomy story.
- 25. It's all right. I got it.
- 26. It was 1953,
- 27. and medical science was all the rage.
- 28. The thing is, you just sent
us the shipment of signs now,
- 29. and I'd hate to keep people late
- 30. on a Friday evening to hang them all up.
- 31. So, if anyone gets this message,
could you call me back, please?
- 32. It's Glenn.
- 33. - Sir...
- Oh, sorry.
- 34. Oh, oh, so sorry, sir.
- 35. - Sir, I can't quite...
- Oh, I am in the way.
- 36. - Yeah.
- Duty calls.
- 37. - Sorry.
- I can't seem to...
- 38. There's a spot right over there.
- 39. - Yeah.
- 40. Hey, is that "Die Hard 2"?
- 41. That is the best "Die Hard."
- 42. Have a heavenly night.
- 43. Okay.
- 44. - Whoo
- 45. - Oh, yeah!
- 46. Oh, great job, Mateo. Great job.
- 47. Hey, we're all staying
late to do more work.
- 48. I'm so sorry.
- 49. I just found out about it.
- 50. I feel terrible about this.
- 51. Whoo-hoo!
- 52. I'm stuck at work for an
hour or two, but save my seat.
- 53. I'll be there as soon as I can.
- 54. You have to get here, bitch.
- 55. I know, bitch.
- 56. Birds, it's Mommy. Listen up.
- 57. Scout, Taffy, FDR, Pikachu,
you guys are in charge,
- 58. so act like the leaders
I know that you are.
- 59. Now, cockatoos, I assume
you can't hear me right now
- 60. since you should all be asleep already.
- 61. Okay, heads down.
- 62. Ooh, corporate messed up.
- 63. Those are the same signs we just took down.
- 64. I don't think so.
- 65. Mm-Hmm.
- 66. Nope, they say the old signs
- 67. were this pale, outdated
color called "Glossy Dolphin."
- 68. The new ones are a bold, exciting color
- 69. called "Glossy Dolphin B."
- 70. This is kind of fun, right?
- 71. Being up high like this?
- 72. Reminds me of my indoor
- 73. I just need to get home
to study for my midterm.
- 74. Midterm.
- 75. - That takes me back.
- 76. Cramming for tests... or trying to.
- 77. Half the time, I'd just
end up getting drunk
- 78. in someone's dorm room
- 79. and spend the whole night
having "deep conversations."
- 80. That's so fun.
- 81. Did I ever tell you the
story about that one time
- 82. when I went to college as a grown-up
- 83. and I had to go work and I
had all these responsibilities?
- 84. It's a laugh riot.
- 85. You don't have to hold
the ladder, you know.
- 86. I'm not gonna let you fall...
- 87. not on my watch.
- 88. What?
- 89. - Oh, hey, look at that.
- 90. Ooh, cool move, cowboy.
- 91. What, this?
- 92. I was born with a drill in my hand.
- 93. My family used to own a hardware store...
- 94. Sturgis and Sons?
- 95. Oh.
- 96. Yeah, for 59 years,
- 97. the name "Sturgis" was
synonymous with tools...
- 98. Well, until Cloud 9 moved in up the street,
- 99. and then a month later, we lost everything.
- 100. Hey, has anyone seen the laser level?
- 101. Doesn't it make you a little
angry to be working for them?
- 102. Oh, I don't waste my time with anger.
- 103. Oh.
- 104. Look at that. I hit my finger.
- 105. That looked pretty serious.
- 106. Did the lights go out?
- 107. Oh, come on.
- 108. Glenn, what's up with the lights?
- 109. I'm kind of in a rush.
- 110. Actually, the lights are
controlled by corporate.
- 111. What?
- 112. Every night at a certain time,
- 113. the lights dim, and the
doors automatically lock.
- 114. All the doors lock?
- 115. Yep.
- 116. Excuse me.
- 117. Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- 118. Oh, no, no, no, no. Are you kidding me?
- 119. No!
- 120. Oh, God.
- 121. Okay, the bad news is we're locked in.
- 122. Dina and I will go to my office
- 123. and look for the lock override code.
- 124. In the meantime, you guys
keep putting up signs.
- 125. You can make a game out of it.
- 126. You can call the game "Signage Fever."
- 127. I am not playing that game.
- 128. - Guys...
- 129. You don't even know what I was gonna say.
- 130. I know that every
time you start a sentence
- 131. with, "Guys," you end it with,
- 132. "Let's make the best of
this," or, "Let's have fun."
- 133. You never say, "Guys, this really sucks."
- 134. Guys, we have the
entire store to ourselves.
- 135. We could do whatever we want.
- 136. If we decide that this is gonna be fun,
- 137. then this is gonna be fun.
- 138. So, if you're with me,
I will see all of you
- 139. in the fun zone.
- 140. "Fun zone"?
- 141. Sometimes I just really want to slap him.
- 142. I think it was on one of
these memos from corporate.
- 143. Here.
- 144. "Union buzzwords."
"How to spot a union."
- 145. "Anti-union activity."
- 146. "What to do if you
hear the word 'union.'"
- 147. "Reporting union activity."
- 148. "List of toxic food recalls"?
- 149. I don't remember doing any food recalls.
- 150. What?
- 151. "Addendum of policy
changes to employee handbook...
- 152. "Relationships between
supervisors and subordinates
- 153. no longer forbidden, now
just strongly discouraged."
- 154. Yeah, words. Oh, here it is.
- 155. "Please detach the accompanying card
- 156. and keep in a safe place."
- 157. And, look, I wrote, "Like in your car,"
- 158. and then I underlined "car."
- 159. Oh, that means it's just outsi...
- 160. Oh.
- 161. Okay, the bad news
- 162. is I left the card with the
code in my glove compartment.
- 163. So I called my wife to come get it,
- 164. but we only have one car,
- 165. so she has to wait for
her sister to come get her.
- 166. You guys, there's someone out there.
- 167. Oh, my God. Hey! Hey!
- 168. Oh! Oh!
- 169. Can you get something from my car?
- 170. Boop-boop-boop... We
need a boop-boop-boop-boop.
- 171. Whoo!
- 172. - You guys are missing out.
- 173. What a unique experience it must be,
- 174. moving around a store on wheels.
- 175. The key's above the tire.
- 176. Get card from glove compartment.
- 177. Bring card here.
- 178. Whoo! We're gonna get out of here!
- 179. - Yes!
- 180. - Is it there? Is it there?
- Wait, wait... oh, good.
- 181. Look, he's got the key.
- 182. Why is he getting in the driver's seat?
- 183. No, you don't need to start the engine
- 184. to open the glove compartment.
- 185. No, you don't need to move the car.
- 186. Wait. Where are you going?
- 187. Where's he going?
- 188. What the... where is the...
- 189. Cruising through the fun zone...
- 190. Hey, can you maybe...
- 191. Whoo! Ha ha!
- 192. Okay.
- 193. Part of me's glad I missed the recital.
- 194. I've been looking
forward to my senior dance
- 195. since sixth grade,
- 196. and it would've sucked to
just sit there and watch.
- 197. I'm not saying that I regret this baby.
- 198. I just wish that I'd had it later...
- 199. or sooner, like a lot of my friends.
- 200. You know what I mean?
- 201. Uh, I do, yes,
- 202. and I think each and every
one of us has regrets.
- 203. I'll go next.
- 204. I regret doing Semester at Sea
- 205. instead of just picking one country
- 206. and really absorbing the culture.
- 207. Who else?
- 208. Well, my only regrets are
the times I over thought things
- 209. and didn't go for what I wanted.
- 210. - There you go.
- I mean, why fight nature?
- 211. We're all just animals, right?
- 212. I regret not rescuing my
twin brother from that wave.
- 213. So there you have it, guys.
- 214. We are learning lots about each other.
- 215. What about you, Ame?
- 216. What are you... What's your biggest regret?
- 217. I guess I regret not going to college
- 218. when I was younger so that
I could have lots of stories
- 219. to annoy my coworkers with.
- 220. Hey, well, at least it's quiet.
- 221. We don't have to listen to that
stupid Muzak they make us play.
- 222. I actually kind of like the music.
- 223. It makes me feel like I'm on hold all day.
- 224. Glenn, you like
everything about this store.
- 225. - That's weird, man.
- 226. I don't like everything about this store.
- 227. Truth be told, the backslash
in the employee's bathroom...
- 228. It's, like, B-minus, at best.
- 229. That's the only thing that
bugs you about this company?
- 230. Well, I guess the aisles
are a bit too close together...
- 231. and sometimes the folks in charge
- 232. don't treat me like I'm a
human being with feelings.
- 233. - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, that's a bummer.
- 234. Sturgis and Sons was a community.
- 235. Customers would be like, "Hi, Glenn."
- 236. "Do you have a screw in
such-and-such a size?"
- 237. And I'd say, "I think so."
- 238. "Maybe ask my dad."
- 239. It was paradise.
- 240. You know what else I regret? That time...
- 241. And then this chain moves in.
- 242. I mean, where do they
get off? Keep us late in...
- 243. locked in the dark, you know,
- 244. all in service of the bottom line.
- 245. Yeah. Go.
- 246. - I hate this tie.
- 247. I hate this shirt!
- 248. - Okay.
- Isn't that his shirt?
- 249. Oh, you're going a little too far now.
- 250. And I hate Regional Manager Dicky Larson,
- 251. but you know what I hate most of all?
- 252. I hate Cloud 9.
- 253. I hate Cloud 9.
- 254. What just happened?
- 255. I think we broke Glenn.
- 256. Oh, no, this is damaged.
- 257. Guess we can't sell these. Right.
- 258. It's a party, mother-fathers,
- 259. sponsored by Sturgis and Sons
- 260. - You, you, you, you, you, you...
- That was good.
- 261. - Okay.
- 262. - Never have I ever...
- 263. Stocked ice cream.
- 264. Okay, but... You know, like that,
- 265. but, like, a little more edgy.
- 266. You know, like, not this, but,
- 267. "Never have I ever eaten human flesh."
- 268. Oh, no, no, no.
- 269. You drink if you have done it.
- 270. Mm-hmm. I understand.
- 271. I have another one.
- 272. Never have I ever hooked up in the store.
- 273. Really?
- 274. You remember last week
- 275. when Jerusha came by to
talk about the mortgage?
- 276. Oh.
- 277. - In my office?
- Yeah, boy.
- 278. - Gross.
- Wait, wait. There's more.
- 279. We had sex.
- 280. Yeah, man.
- 281. Bo and I...
- 282. photo lab... seven months ago.
- 283. Oh.
- 284. Oh, my god, the photo lab is a great spot.
- 285. - Yeah.
- What? Really?
- 286. Yeah, it's dark. It's private.
- 287. Sometimes you get to see
people's naked photos.
- 288. When I first started here,
- 289. we just called the lab the "bang room"
- 290. because, you know...
- 291. the banging.
- 292. I banged in there.
- 293. Okay.
- 294. - Really?
- I did.
- 295. So the photo lab, huh?
- 296. Cool. Cool, cool.
- 297. Attention, Cloud 9...
- 298. This isn't working.
- 299. You're not pushing the button.
- 300. Oh.
- 301. Attention, Cloud...
- 302. Wow.
- 303. - I really suck at this.
- 304. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- 305. Yeah, that's a strike.
- 306. Come on.
- 307. - Come on, come on.
- Get him, get him, get him.
- 308. Fight.
- 309. I feel alive.
- 310. Hey, Cloud 9, it's a party.
- 311. We're gonna do this
every Friday from now on.
- 312. Go.
- 313. He may just beat Brett's record time.
- 314. Oh, a violent spill...
- 315. and right on to the zip line.
- 316. - Ooh.
- 317. Just give him a second. I
think he's gonna be all right.
- 318. He's okay.
- 319. Here we've got newcomer Mateo...
- 320. Sizzling in a fashion-forward
take on Cloud 9 nightwear.
- 321. Work it, Mateo, and now we have Glenn,
- 322. rocking the "Don't Let Him
Near Your Children Collection."
- 323. Oh, shake what the good
lord gave you, Glenn,
- 324. and here's Myrtle, carrying a bicycle tire.
- 325. She doesn't seem to know
what we're doing here,
- 326. but she is owning it.
- 327. Thank you, Myrtle.
- 328. So, Amy, how are you feeling?
- 329. - I feel great.
- Oh, yeah?
- 330. Usually when I
get drunk, I talk really loud,
- 331. but I'm not doing it now.
- 332. No, you're not!
- 333. All right, everybody, up on your feet.
- 334. Hey!
- 335. - Can you make me look like her?
- Like a black woman?
- 336. I'm not a witch.
- 337. You don't need all that. You are pretty.
- 338. Oh, I'm a solid 8.25.
- 339. In high school, I was
voted third-prettiest girl
- 340. in my ROTC unit.
- 341. Pretty's not the problem.
- 342. Just trust me.
- 343. It's just, ever since my dad
left me at that gas station,
- 344. it's so hard to trust.
- 345. Okay, here we go.
- 346. Hey, you.
- 347. Dina.
- 348. Wow.
- 349. - I'm so proud of her.
- 350. Ooh, I did not see that coming,
- 351. but I should have.
- 352. "Relationships between supervisors
- 353. and subordinates is now
just strongly discouraged."
- 354. It's not forbidden anymore.
- 355. This is not forbidden anymore.
- 356. Uh, right. Yeah.
- 357. Uh, hmm.
- 358. Uh, but, you know...
- 359. alas, it is discouraged.
- 360. Besides, the idea of dating my boss...
- 361. Oof, I mean, the sexual
politics are just so nuanced.
- 362. Otherwise, believe me, I am...
- 363. I would love to do...
- 364. everything there is to do.
- 365. I was not expecting that.
- 366. Yeah.
- 367. But I do understand.
- 368. Oh, great.
- 369. I mean, you know...
- 370. Great.
- 371. Okay, um... I'll see you out there.
- 372. Oh.
- 373. Hey, what you doing up there?
- 374. Looks like you might get hurt.
- 375. You don't get to tell me what to do.
- 376. I wasn't telling you what to do.
- 377. You are not my boss. I
am your boss, college boy.
- 378. I just thought maybe... It's
a little dangerous being...
- 379. By the way,
- 380. I got into college too...
- 381. A good one...
- 382. when I was 18.
- 383. - That's great.
- I just got pregnant.
- 384. And then I got married,
and then Adam had dreams,
- 385. and somebody had to pay the bills,
- 386. so here I am,
- 387. spinning around on this...
- 388. endless...
- 389. Oh, God.
- 390. For what it's worth,
- 391. that was shaping up to
be a really nice metaphor.
- 392. Oh, I know. "Leave a message,
and we'll never call you back."
- 393. Well, that fig ain't
gonna fly tonight, baby.
- 394. This company's a sham.
- 395. You lock us in.
- 396. You control the music that we listen to.
- 397. Oh, and try this on for size.
- 398. The color difference in
your signage is marginal.
- 399. Oh, and you can tell Dicky Larson
- 400. that he can suck my big, fat, sweaty toe.
- 401. If you are satisfied with your message, press 1.
- 402. To erase and re-record, press 2.
- 403. Hey, guys, everything's great.
- 404. Signs are all up... Really popping.
- 405. Come on.
- 406. It's good for you.
- 407. Glenn is right. This
backslash is unremarkable.
- 408. I don't regret getting married.
- 409. I never said that you regretted getting...
- 410. Yeah, but you were thinking it.
- 411. Yeah, I wonder sometimes
- 412. what it would've been like
if I had made other choices,
- 413. but...
- 414. you want to know what I really regret?
- 415. That last shot of Sambuca?
- 416. Forget it.
- 417. You're the last person I
should be telling this to.
- 418. Wait. Why am I the last...
- 419. This is a weird night.
- 420. Okay.
- 421. See ya.
- 422. Ooh.
- 423. Oh, it is good to be outside.
- 424. I'm gonna go home and
play some video games.
- 425. - I'm hungry.
- You want breakfast?
- 426. My shift starts in 20. I
can get you free coffee.
- 427. Ooh, pancakes.
- 428. I can't believe I have to
take a midterm on zero sleep
- 429. and totally hungover.
- 430. College.
- 431. Yep, college.
- 432. Glenn.
- 433. Oh, thank God. I thought I was gonna have
- 434. to hang these things by myself.
- 435. - I'm requesting a demotion...
- 436. To associate level... personal reasons.
- 437. Wha... wha... what?
- 438. And, yeah, that's gonna be
a two-person job.
- 439. Why are you dressed like my mother?