1. Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,
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2. the store has been closed for 20 minutes.
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3. Many of us would like to leave.
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4. So, if you're still in the store,
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5. you're being a dick.
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6. Don't be a dick.
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7. It's tough, because I have to live
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8. with this trash can, you know?
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9. Right. No, I get it.
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10. It's a very big decision.
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11. So, you know, maybe you could
go home tonight, sleep on it,
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12. and decide tomorrow?
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13. No, "decide tomorrow"
is what I said yesterday.
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14. If I don't get
home and study for my midterm,
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15. I'm totally screwed.
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16. Oh, hey, you look so cute.
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17. Thank you.
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18. It's my senior dance recital tonight.
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19. What? Why didn't you tell us?
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20. Well, I can't perform
because of, you know, this.
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21. Oh.
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22. But I'm gonna go and
cheer on the other girls.
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23. Yeah, if this bozo ever leaves the store.
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24. Hey, Myrtle, go bust out
your hysterectomy story.
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25. It's all right. I got it.
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26. It was 1953,
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27. and medical science was all the rage.
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28. The thing is, you just sent
us the shipment of signs now,
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29. and I'd hate to keep people late
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30. on a Friday evening to hang them all up.
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31. So, if anyone gets this message,
could you call me back, please?
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32. It's Glenn.
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33. - Sir...
- Oh, sorry.
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34. Oh, oh, so sorry, sir.
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35. - Sir, I can't quite...
- Oh, I am in the way.
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36. - Yeah.
- Duty calls.
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37. - Sorry.
- I can't seem to...
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38. There's a spot right over there.
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39. - Yeah.
- Okay.
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40. Hey, is that "Die Hard 2"?
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41. That is the best "Die Hard."
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42. Have a heavenly night.
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43. Okay.
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44. - Whoo
- Hoo!
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45. - Oh, yeah!
- Yeah!
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46. Oh, great job, Mateo. Great job.
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47. Hey, we're all staying
late to do more work.
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48. I'm so sorry.
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49. I just found out about it.
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50. I feel terrible about this.
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51. Whoo-hoo!
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52. I'm stuck at work for an
hour or two, but save my seat.
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53. I'll be there as soon as I can.
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54. You have to get here, bitch.
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55. I know, bitch.
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56. Birds, it's Mommy. Listen up.
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57. Scout, Taffy, FDR, Pikachu,
you guys are in charge,
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58. so act like the leaders
I know that you are.
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59. Now, cockatoos, I assume
you can't hear me right now
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60. since you should all be asleep already.
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61. Okay, heads down.
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62. Ooh, corporate messed up.
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63. Those are the same signs we just took down.
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64. I don't think so.
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65. Mm-Hmm.
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66. Nope, they say the old signs
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67. were this pale, outdated
color called "Glossy Dolphin."
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68. The new ones are a bold, exciting color
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69. called "Glossy Dolphin B."
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70. This is kind of fun, right?
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71. Being up high like this?
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72. Reminds me of my indoor
rock-climbing days.
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73. I just need to get home
to study for my midterm.
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74. Midterm.
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75. - That takes me back.
- Mm-hmm.
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76. Cramming for tests... or trying to.
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77. Half the time, I'd just
end up getting drunk
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78. in someone's dorm room
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79. and spend the whole night
having "deep conversations."
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80. That's so fun.
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81. Did I ever tell you the
story about that one time
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82. when I went to college as a grown-up
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83. and I had to go work and I
had all these responsibilities?
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84. It's a laugh riot.
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85. You don't have to hold
the ladder, you know.
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86. I'm not gonna let you fall...
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87. not on my watch.
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88. What?
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89. - Oh, hey, look at that.
- Ooh.
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90. Ooh, cool move, cowboy.
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91. What, this?
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92. I was born with a drill in my hand.
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93. My family used to own a hardware store...
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94. Sturgis and Sons?
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95. Oh.
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96. Yeah, for 59 years,
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97. the name "Sturgis" was
synonymous with tools...
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98. Well, until Cloud 9 moved in up the street,
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99. and then a month later, we lost everything.
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100. Hey, has anyone seen the laser level?
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101. Doesn't it make you a little
angry to be working for them?
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102. Oh, I don't waste my time with anger.
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103. Oh.
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104. Look at that. I hit my finger.
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105. That looked pretty serious.
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106. Did the lights go out?
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107. Oh, come on.
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108. Glenn, what's up with the lights?
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109. I'm kind of in a rush.
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110. Actually, the lights are
controlled by corporate.
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111. What?
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112. Every night at a certain time,
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113. the lights dim, and the
doors automatically lock.
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114. All the doors lock?
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115. Yep.
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116. Excuse me.
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117. Come on, come on, come on, come on.
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118. Oh, no, no, no, no. Are you kidding me?
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119. No!
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120. Oh, God.
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121. Okay, the bad news is we're locked in.
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122. Dina and I will go to my office
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123. and look for the lock override code.
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124. In the meantime, you guys
keep putting up signs.
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125. You can make a game out of it.
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126. You can call the game "Signage Fever."
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127. I am not playing that game.
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128. - Guys...
- No.
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129. You don't even know what I was gonna say.
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130. I know that every
time you start a sentence
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131. with, "Guys," you end it with,
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132. "Let's make the best of
this," or, "Let's have fun."
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133. You never say, "Guys, this really sucks."
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134. Guys, we have the
entire store to ourselves.
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135. We could do whatever we want.
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136. If we decide that this is gonna be fun,
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137. then this is gonna be fun.
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138. So, if you're with me,
I will see all of you
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139. in the fun zone.
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140. "Fun zone"?
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141. Sometimes I just really want to slap him.
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142. I think it was on one of
these memos from corporate.
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143. Here.
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144. "Union buzzwords."
"How to spot a union."
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145. "Anti-union activity."
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146. "What to do if you
hear the word 'union.'"
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147. "Reporting union activity."
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148. "List of toxic food recalls"?
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149. I don't remember doing any food recalls.
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150. What?
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151. "Addendum of policy
changes to employee handbook...
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152. "Relationships between
supervisors and subordinates
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153. no longer forbidden, now
just strongly discouraged."
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154. Yeah, words. Oh, here it is.
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155. "Please detach the accompanying card
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156. and keep in a safe place."
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157. And, look, I wrote, "Like in your car,"
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158. and then I underlined "car."
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159. Oh, that means it's just outsi...
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160. Oh.
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161. Okay, the bad news
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162. is I left the card with the
code in my glove compartment.
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163. So I called my wife to come get it,
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164. but we only have one car,
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165. so she has to wait for
her sister to come get her.
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166. You guys, there's someone out there.
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167. Oh, my God. Hey! Hey!
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168. Oh! Oh!
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169. Can you get something from my car?
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170. Boop-boop-boop... We
need a boop-boop-boop-boop.
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171. Whoo!
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172. - You guys are missing out.
- Mm.
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173. What a unique experience it must be,
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174. moving around a store on wheels.
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175. The key's above the tire.
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176. Get card from glove compartment.
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177. Bring card here.
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178. Whoo! We're gonna get out of here!
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179. - Yes!
- Yes!
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180. - Is it there? Is it there?
- Wait, wait... oh, good.
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181. Look, he's got the key.
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182. Why is he getting in the driver's seat?
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183. No, you don't need to start the engine
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184. to open the glove compartment.
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185. No, you don't need to move the car.
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186. Wait. Where are you going?
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187. Where's he going?
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188. What the... where is the...
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189. Cruising through the fun zone...
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190. Hey, can you maybe...
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191. Whoo! Ha ha!
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192. Okay.
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193. Part of me's glad I missed the recital.
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194. I've been looking
forward to my senior dance
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195. since sixth grade,
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196. and it would've sucked to
just sit there and watch.
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197. I'm not saying that I regret this baby.
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198. I just wish that I'd had it later...
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199. or sooner, like a lot of my friends.
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200. You know what I mean?
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201. Uh, I do, yes,
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202. and I think each and every
one of us has regrets.
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203. I'll go next.
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204. I regret doing Semester at Sea
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205. instead of just picking one country
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206. and really absorbing the culture.
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207. Who else?
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208. Well, my only regrets are
the times I over thought things
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209. and didn't go for what I wanted.
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210. - There you go.
- I mean, why fight nature?
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211. We're all just animals, right?
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212. I regret not rescuing my
twin brother from that wave.
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213. So there you have it, guys.
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214. We are learning lots about each other.
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215. What about you, Ame?
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216. What are you... What's your biggest regret?
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217. I guess I regret not going to college
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218. when I was younger so that
I could have lots of stories
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219. to annoy my coworkers with.
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220. Hey, well, at least it's quiet.
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221. We don't have to listen to that
stupid Muzak they make us play.
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222. I actually kind of like the music.
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223. It makes me feel like I'm on hold all day.
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224. Glenn, you like
everything about this store.
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225. - That's weird, man.
- Well...
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226. I don't like everything about this store.
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227. Truth be told, the backslash
in the employee's bathroom...
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228. It's, like, B-minus, at best.
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229. That's the only thing that
bugs you about this company?
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230. Well, I guess the aisles
are a bit too close together...
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231. and sometimes the folks in charge
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232. don't treat me like I'm a
human being with feelings.
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233. - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, that's a bummer.
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234. Sturgis and Sons was a community.
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235. Customers would be like, "Hi, Glenn."
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236. "Do you have a screw in
such-and-such a size?"
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237. And I'd say, "I think so."
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238. "Maybe ask my dad."
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239. It was paradise.
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240. You know what else I regret? That time...
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241. And then this chain moves in.
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242. I mean, where do they
get off? Keep us late in...
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243. locked in the dark, you know,
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244. all in service of the bottom line.
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245. Yeah. Go.
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246. - I hate this tie.
- Yeah.
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247. I hate this shirt!
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248. - Okay.
- Isn't that his shirt?
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249. Oh, you're going a little too far now.
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250. And I hate Regional Manager Dicky Larson,
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251. but you know what I hate most of all?
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252. I hate Cloud 9.
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253. I hate Cloud 9.
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254. What just happened?
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255. I think we broke Glenn.
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256. Oh, no, this is damaged.
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257. Guess we can't sell these. Right.
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258. It's a party, mother-fathers,
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259. sponsored by Sturgis and Sons
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260. - You, you, you, you, you, you...
- That was good.
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261. - Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
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262. - Never have I ever...
- Uh-huh.
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263. Stocked ice cream.
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264. Okay, but... You know, like that,
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265. but, like, a little more edgy.
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266. You know, like, not this, but,
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267. "Never have I ever eaten human flesh."
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268. Oh, no, no, no.
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269. You drink if you have done it.
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270. Mm-hmm. I understand.
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271. I have another one.
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272. Never have I ever hooked up in the store.
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273. Really?
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274. You remember last week
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275. when Jerusha came by to
talk about the mortgage?
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276. Oh.
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277. - In my office?
- Yeah, boy.
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278. - Gross.
- Wait, wait. There's more.
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279. We had sex.
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280. Yeah, man.
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281. Bo and I...
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282. photo lab... seven months ago.
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283. Oh.
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284. Oh, my god, the photo lab is a great spot.
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285. - Yeah.
- What? Really?
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286. Yeah, it's dark. It's private.
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287. Sometimes you get to see
people's naked photos.
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288. When I first started here,
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289. we just called the lab the "bang room"
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290. because, you know...
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291. the banging.
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292. I banged in there.
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293. Okay.
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294. - Really?
- I did.
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295. So the photo lab, huh?
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296. Cool. Cool, cool.
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297. Attention, Cloud 9...
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298. This isn't working.
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299. You're not pushing the button.
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300. Oh.
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301. Attention, Cloud...
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302. Wow.
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303. - I really suck at this.
- Yeah.
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304. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
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305. Yeah, that's a strike.
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306. Come on.
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307. - Come on, come on.
- Get him, get him, get him.
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308. Fight.
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309. I feel alive.
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310. Hey, Cloud 9, it's a party.
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311. We're gonna do this
every Friday from now on.
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312. Go.
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313. He may just beat Brett's record time.
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314. Oh, a violent spill...
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315. and right on to the zip line.
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316. - Ooh.
- Oh.
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317. Just give him a second. I
think he's gonna be all right.
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318. He's okay.
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319. Here we've got newcomer Mateo...
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320. Sizzling in a fashion-forward
take on Cloud 9 nightwear.
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321. Work it, Mateo, and now we have Glenn,
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322. rocking the "Don't Let Him
Near Your Children Collection."
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323. Oh, shake what the good
lord gave you, Glenn,
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324. and here's Myrtle, carrying a bicycle tire.
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325. She doesn't seem to know
what we're doing here,
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326. but she is owning it.
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327. Thank you, Myrtle.
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328. So, Amy, how are you feeling?
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329. - I feel great.
- Oh, yeah?
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330. Usually when I
get drunk, I talk really loud,
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331. but I'm not doing it now.
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332. No, you're not!
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333. All right, everybody, up on your feet.
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334. Hey!
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335. - Can you make me look like her?
- Like a black woman?
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336. I'm not a witch.
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337. You don't need all that. You are pretty.
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338. Oh, I'm a solid 8.25.
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339. In high school, I was
voted third-prettiest girl
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340. in my ROTC unit.
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341. Pretty's not the problem.
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342. Just trust me.
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343. It's just, ever since my dad
left me at that gas station,
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344. it's so hard to trust.
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345. Okay, here we go.
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346. Hey, you.
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347. Dina.
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348. Wow.
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349. - I'm so proud of her.
- Yeah.
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350. Ooh, I did not see that coming,
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351. but I should have.
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352. "Relationships between supervisors
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353. and subordinates is now
just strongly discouraged."
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354. It's not forbidden anymore.
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355. This is not forbidden anymore.
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356. Uh, right. Yeah.
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357. Uh, hmm.
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358. Uh, but, you know...
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359. alas, it is discouraged.
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360. Besides, the idea of dating my boss...
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361. Oof, I mean, the sexual
politics are just so nuanced.
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362. Otherwise, believe me, I am...
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363. I would love to do...
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364. everything there is to do.
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365. I was not expecting that.
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366. Yeah.
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367. But I do understand.
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368. Oh, great.
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369. I mean, you know...
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370. Great.
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371. Okay, um... I'll see you out there.
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372. Oh.
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373. Hey, what you doing up there?
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374. Looks like you might get hurt.
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375. You don't get to tell me what to do.
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376. I wasn't telling you what to do.
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377. You are not my boss. I
am your boss, college boy.
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378. I just thought maybe... It's
a little dangerous being...
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379. By the way,
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380. I got into college too...
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381. A good one...
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382. when I was 18.
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383. - That's great.
- I just got pregnant.
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384. And then I got married,
and then Adam had dreams,
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385. and somebody had to pay the bills,
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386. so here I am,
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387. spinning around on this...
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388. endless...
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389. Oh, God.
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390. For what it's worth,
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391. that was shaping up to
be a really nice metaphor.
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392. Oh, I know. "Leave a message,
and we'll never call you back."
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393. Well, that fig ain't
gonna fly tonight, baby.
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394. This company's a sham.
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395. You lock us in.
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396. You control the music that we listen to.
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397. Oh, and try this on for size.
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398. The color difference in
your signage is marginal.
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399. Oh, and you can tell Dicky Larson
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400. that he can suck my big, fat, sweaty toe.
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401. If you are satisfied with your message, press 1.
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402. To erase and re-record, press 2.
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403. Hey, guys, everything's great.
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404. Signs are all up... Really popping.
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405. Come on.
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406. It's good for you.
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407. Glenn is right. This
backslash is unremarkable.
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408. I don't regret getting married.
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409. I never said that you regretted getting...
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410. Yeah, but you were thinking it.
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411. Yeah, I wonder sometimes
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412. what it would've been like
if I had made other choices,
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413. but...
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414. you want to know what I really regret?
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415. That last shot of Sambuca?
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416. Forget it.
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417. You're the last person I
should be telling this to.
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418. Wait. Why am I the last...
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419. This is a weird night.
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420. Okay.
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421. See ya.
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422. Ooh.
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423. Oh, it is good to be outside.
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424. I'm gonna go home and
play some video games.
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425. - I'm hungry.
- You want breakfast?
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426. My shift starts in 20. I
can get you free coffee.
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427. Ooh, pancakes.
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428. I can't believe I have to
take a midterm on zero sleep
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429. and totally hungover.
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430. College.
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431. Yep, college.
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432. Glenn.
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433. Oh, thank God. I thought I was gonna have
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434. to hang these things by myself.
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435. - I'm requesting a demotion...
- What?
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436. To associate level... personal reasons.
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437. Wha... wha... what?
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438. And, yeah, that's gonna be
a two-person job.
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439. Why are you dressed like my mother?
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