Superstore 1x7

1. Shh.

2. It's gonna be okay.

3. What happened?

4. Jeremy died this morning.

5. No.

6. Jeremy died?

7. Jer... The tall guy?

8. He was so young.

9. Oh, I called it.

10. You can't be

11. that tall and live.

12. No.

13. Not stupid, tall Jeremy.

14. I wish he'd die.

15. My bird, Jeremy.

16. One day he was alive,

17. and then the next...

18. I had him since

19. he was a little...

20. "Bird"?

21. Little bird?

22. She was probably

23. gonna say, "Little bird."

24. I'm sure he's in

25. a better place.

26. Right, Mateo?

27. Yeah, I bet he's in

28. bird heaven.

29. You think so?

30. But he was so violent.

31. Damn, man, I tried

32. to get it off,

33. but no one would

34. cover my shift.

35. I would've

36. stayed home,

37. but Emma needs braces

38. and they just cut back

39. on Adam's hours at work,

40. so, I need the money.

41. Hey, maybe it

42. won't be so bad.

43. Just got to let it happen.

44. What's going on?

45. What's today?

46. Oh, you don't know.

47. Know... know what?

48. Know this.

49. Hmm. Oh.

50. Thought I heard the music.

51. Guess I timed it wrong.

52. It's Color Wars!

53. Whoo.

54. What's Color Wars?

55. Two teams, one gold, one red,

56. and whoever sells the most

57. by the end of the day, wins.

58. Please, I'm not in the mood.

59. What do we win?

60. Oh, this year

61. the winning team gets...

62. A pizza party!

63. Sometimes I just want

64. to get in my car

65. and drive and drive, drive.

66. Buckle your seat belt,

67. because you are about

68. to experience Cloud 9

69. as you have never

70. experienced it before.

71. Hey, Dina, what you doing

72. over here in the bleachers?

73. It's Color Wars.

74. Do birds go to heaven?

75. No, they don't have souls.

76. They just become dirt.

77. Oh.

78. Okay?

79. Okay.

80. Hey, if it would

81. cheer you up,

82. you could help me plan

83. the pizza party.

84. What's there to plan?

85. You're just buying a pizza.

86. No, that's a pizza dinner.

87. The word, "Party,"

88. changes things.

89. There are

90. certain expectations.

91. I mean, I could

92. do it on my own,

93. but it'd be way more fun

94. to do it with you.

95. All right, I'll help you

96. with the stupid party.

97. But wait. Not if you

98. don't want to.

99. Well, you've begged me,

100. so, yeah, I'll help you,

101. but I got to say,

102. I've got some

103. major problems

104. with your ideas.

105. You haven't even

106. heard them yet.

107. I've heard them for years.

108. They always suck.

109. No, they don't.

110. Which ones?

111. All right, now,

112. when you check out,

113. they're gonna ask you

114. if you were helped by someone

115. on the Red Team

116. or the Gold Team.

117. This next part's

118. very important.

119. I do not care.

120. No one's into the contest.

121. I don't think the promise

122. of pizza has the same effect

123. it had on us

124. when we were kids.

125. It's a pizza party.

126. Besides, that's not

127. the only prize.

128. Everyone on the winning

129. team gets $100.

130. What?

131. Yeah.

132. Why didn't you

133. tell us that before?

134. I was saving it.

135. I wanted to have a nice

136. surprise incentive

137. for the end of the day.

138. No, you have to tell people

139. about incentives beforehand.

140. Oh, okay.

141. Well, should I tell

142. people, then?

143. Should I make

144. an announcement?

145. Um, I can.

146. I can do it.

147. Each member of the winning

148. team takes home

149. $100.

150. I could really

151. use that money.

152. I've been saving up for one

153. of those 3D ultrasounds

154. you know, the one

155. where the baby's all like...

156. And the best part

157. is that the Red Team

158. doesn't even know

159. about the money.

160. Jonah?

161. I'm sorry.

162. Just... I don't...

163. I... I am a little

164. uncomfortable, uh,

165. pushing people

166. to buy things that

167. they don't want or need.

168. Seriously? Just stop it.

169. I will kill myself

170. before I go back to

171. 2D ultrasound, okay?

172. I will kill myself.

173. Withdrawn.

174. Okay.

175. Let's stick to departments

176. that play to our strengths.

177. Jenny, cosmetics

178. is not your...

179. Hey.

180. Hey!

181. Guys.

182. What's up, girl?

183. Oh, just...

184. I was putting it in wrong.

185. Wow. Looks like you guys

186. are doing pretty good.

187. What? Oh...

188. Whatever. Okay.

189. Looks like somebody's

190. taking the competition

191. a little too seriously

192. all of a sudden.

193. I can't believe you're even

194. looking at the board, Garrett.

195. Well, I wasn't.

196. I just turned my head,

197. and my eyeballs went with it.

198. That's how faces work.

199. But it looks like you were

200. studying it pretty closely.

201. Um, okay, whatever you say.

202. I'm gonna go chill

203. in the break room. Lates.

204. "Lates"?

205. Hey, Mateo, you notice

206. anything funny about this?

207. Big guy, tiny shirt, classic.

208. I already Instagrammed it.

209. No, I mean, why is

210. the Gold Team selling so hard?

211. I don't know.

212. Let me do

213. a little investigating.

214. Ow, ow, ow.

215. There's a $100 prize

216. for the winning team.

217. Thank you very much.

218. Obviously, don't have sex

219. with any of the customers,

220. but, if a man is

221. under the impression,

222. however misguided,

223. that the more he buys,

224. the less impossible

225. it might be

226. that he could have

227. sex with you,

228. well, that's on him.

229. But, uh, you're a lady,

230. and I respect you.

231. Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

232. we'd like to

233. welcome the members

234. of our Second Chances Program

235. in the gold T-shirts.

236. If you'd prefer to work with

237. someone who hasn't committed

238. a violent crime,

239. our red-shirted employees

240. will be more than happy

241. to help out.

242. Yes, the Cloud 9

243. Second Chances Program,

244. 'cause knowledge

245. is worth 100 bucks.

246. Dina, we have

247. to prioritize.

248. We don't need a piñata.

249. Piñatas are awesome.

250. You're hitting things,

251. eating candy, taking turns.

252. What more do you want?

253. Our party budget is only $60,

254. and the tiny clown

255. alone is $40.

256. We don't need a tiny clown.

257. I already agreed to cut

258. the fat clown, remember?

259. So pretty soon this party

260. is gonna have zero clowns.

261. Is that what you want,

262. a party with zero clowns?

263. This one's twice as much,

264. but it comes with

265. a built-in bean hopper.

266. Yeah, I... I doubt

267. you'd ever use most

268. of these features.

269. Are you sure?

270. 'Cause I'm leaning

271. toward the expensive one,

272. and I can't stress enough,

273. money is no object.

274. Honestly, unless

275. you're, like, a barista,

276. I think you're better off

277. with just a regular auto drip.

278. All right, I guess

279. I'll spend the difference

280. on lotto tickets.

281. Although, realistically,

282. what are my chances

283. of winning twice?

284. Jonah.

285. So the Red Team knows

286. about the money now,

287. so it's time for the Gold Team

288. to stop pussy-footing around.

289. I'm not doing that

290. with my feet.

291. I just have trouble

292. pressuring people

293. into buying stuff

294. they don't need.

295. Well, that's selfish.

296. Actually, I think

297. it's the opposite of selfish.

298. Come on, Jonah,

299. you're better than this.

300. Look at the Red Team.

301. Brett just sold a shelf.

302. Not the items on the shelf

303. he sold an actual shelf.

304. Yeah, well, that's Brett.

305. Guy's a machine.

306. Okay, look...

307. Money's a little tight

308. for me right now.

309. So maybe $100 doesn't mean

310. that much to you,

311. but some of us

312. could really use it.

313. So can you please

314. start selling people

315. crap they don't need?

316. Oh, no, no, no.

317. Believe me that bean hopper

318. has come in handy

319. more times

320. than I can count.

321. That's what I said.

322. Gold pride?

323. Gold pride.

324. Don't take no for an answer.

325. And then in blue icing,

326. have it say,

327. "Congratulations."

328. Got that?

329. No, not,

330. "Congratulations. Got that?"

331. Just "Congratulations."

332. No, I don't want you to write

333. "Congratulations. Got that?

334. "No, not

335. Congratulations. Got that?

336. "Just Congratulations."

337. What do I do here?

338. He doesn't know English.

339. He's just transcribing

340. phonetically.

341. Well, what language

342. does he speak?

343. You hired him.

344. That's why,

345. if it was up to me,

346. I'd fire half the staff.

347. No, don't put that

348. on the cake.

349. Need some help

350. with the grill?

351. Uh, no, no, no, no.

352. I'm just browsing.

353. I already got the base model.

354. Ah.

355. She's a beaut, huh?

356. Yeah.

357. She's a... A real beaut.

358. Believe me,

359. I wish I could afford it,

360. but, I mean,

361. how much am I gonna really use

362. a motorized rotisserie burner?

363. I use mine all the time.

364. It's... it's gotten me

365. out of some pretty crazy jams.

366. Are you a...

367. You a grill guy?

368. So much.

369. Okay. Uh, charcoal or gas?

370. If you need to ask,

371. then you are

372. not a grill guy.

373. Yes, exactly. That's good.

374. Yeah. Yeah.

375. I should use that

376. in one of my videos.

377. Your, uh... What videos?

378. I do these, these

379. grilling videos on YouTube.

380. It's not, it's not

381. a big deal or anything.

382. Sounds like

383. a big deal to me.

384. I got nine subscribers.

385. What?

386. I don't even know

387. three of them.

388. Wow. Total strangers.

389. Yeah.

390. That's, uh...

391. I guess, then,

392. one could say

393. you almost need this.

394. Yeah, maybe, maybe.

395. Let me run it by my wife.

396. I think she's around here

397. somewhere, and I'll...

398. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

399. whoa, whoa, whoa.

400. Hold on. Come on.

401. Uh, let's not...

402. Let's not

403. bring a lady into this, right?

404. This is guy stuff.

405. You know, grills, football,

406. cars,

407. porn!

408. Yeah, I'll just...

409. I'll, uh, I'll call her.

410. Yeah, all right.

411. You think you're a bigger

412. Minions fan than me?

413. I don't think so,

414. 'cause if you were,

415. you would have

416. a Minions blanket

417. and a Minions night-light

418. and some Minions candy

419. and this princess thing.

420. One second.

421. Hey, babe, what's up?

422. Uh, yeah, yeah,

423. I just wanted to run

424. something by you.

425. Oh, I'm really busy

426. right now. Can it wait?

427. Well, I was just at home,

428. and I realized

429. we were out of AA batteries,

430. so I had the...

431. Oh, AA batteries.

432. I'll bring some home.

433. Okay, I love you, bye.

434. That was the head Minion,

435. and he told me to tell you

436. to tell your mom

437. to get you a new Xbox.

438. Um...

439. She couldn't talk.

440. Well...

441. It's, uh, not like

442. you didn't try, right?

443. Yeah.

444. Huh?

445. Yeah, I tried.

446. Yeah.

447. Let's do this.

448. Okay.

449. Yeah.

450. All right.

451. Yeah.

452. Look out, cookout.

453. What?

454. My nana used to say

455. that all the time.

456. Trust me,

457. you don't want the RX5.

458. The Vilano FORZA's

459. the way to go.

460. The RX5 got

461. five spokes on RoadPro,

462. and it's half the price.

463. Mmm, okay.

464. What's that mean?

465. Look, man, I used to

466. own the 5, okay?

467. And it was good.

468. Till the pedals came loose

469. when I was crossing

470. a busy street.

471. Oh, I... Oh, I'm sorry.

472. But, hey, you know what?

473. I like to focus

474. on the positive.

475. I'll ring you up

476. for the RX5.

477. Actually...

478. Let's go with the Vilano.

479. Hell, yeah!

480. And let's get you

481. one of these fancy

482. racer helmets too.

483. "I wish I had a better helmet,"

484. was my first full sentence

485. when they taught me

486. how to speak again.

487. The woman is a maid.

488. She needs to do

489. what I tell her to do.

490. How will you be paying?

491. I just said,

492. "You can quit if you want,

493. "but I can call INS

494. if I want."

495. That shut her up.

496. I don't know.

497. Something about her

498. car catching on fire.

499. The point is, she was late.

500. So call an Uber. Exactly.

501. I mean, she walked all the way

502. here from Guatemala,

503. but she can't make it a couple

504. of miles across town?

505. Place the ribs

506. at a direct heat

507. and let them cook

508. for almost two hours.

509. I love this.

510. Oh.

511. Yeah.

512. Thanks. Thanks.

513. Yeah, I hate it on

514. cooking shows

515. how they start a dish

516. and then they cut to later

517. after it's cooked.

518. Yeah.

519. So all my videos

520. are done in real time.

521. You never see that.

522. You never see that.

523. No, and you know what?

524. This'll be even better

525. in 4K Ultra HD.

526. Huh?

527. Oh, I don't know.

528. That seems like a lot

529. to spend on a hobby.

530. Oh, whoa, whoa!

531. Stop calling this a hobby.

532. This is a career.

533. Yeah?

534. My wife kind of thinks

535. my videos are stupid.

536. Well, no offense, but I kind

537. of think your wife is stupid.

538. Oh, nice. Yeah.

539. But, you know, she probably

540. wouldn't be very happy

541. if I spend any more

542. money right now.

543. Hey, what about

544. what makes you happy?

545. You need to give

546. yourself permission

547. to do something for yourself,

548. just for once.

549. That's true. Yeah.

550. Huh?

551. That's true, yes.

552. Yes? Yes to that?

553. Yes. I'm gonna do it.

554. Yes.

555. Why should she

556. get time off?

557. I don't get time off

558. from being a stepmom.

559. How's it going?

560. Not so great.

561. Brett sold the nacho-cheese

562. dispenser from the cafe.

563. The man knows how to close.

564. How does he do it?

565. I don't know.

566. And you know what?

567. This is not gonna help,

568. but, um, I was this close

569. to making a $1,000 sale,

570. and then I opened

571. my big, fat mouth and

572. talked him into

573. spending $2,000.

574. Shut up. No way.

575. I did what you said.

576. I did not take no

577. for an answer.

578. Oh, my God.

579. And every time

580. I felt bad for the guy,

581. I just thought, "Hey, look,

582. "it's either coming out of

583. his pocket or Amy's."

584. Yes! Oh, my God,

585. I love you so much right now.

586. Um, get back to work.

587. Okay.

588. I hate balloons.

589. Well, we need them.

590. Balloons are like our souls.

591. They want to go up,

592. but can't,

593. and when you pop them,

594. they scream.

595. Okay, I thought we were

596. throwing this party together,

597. but, sure, let's only

598. get things that are

599. important to Glenn.

600. God forbid we

601. splurge on a piñata

602. for the lady who woke up

603. to her dead best friend

604. and then had to

605. sneak him into her

606. neighbor's garbage can

607. before trash pickup.

608. Okay. You really

609. want a piñata?

610. I have an idea.

611. Oh, who cares?

612. I have ideas all the time.

613. "I wish I would've

614. bought a Vitamix"

615. was the first thing I said

616. when I woke up from my coma.

617. Could save your life, man.

618. How exactly did a non-Vitamix

619. blender put you in a coma?

620. That's a very offensive

621. question to ask

622. a disabled person.

623. Oh, Amy's husband's here.

624. Oh.

625. Wow. That is not what I...

626. So is he, like a...

627. Like, a really funny guy

628. or a musician or something?

629. I don't think so.

630. I think he makes grill videos.

631. Oh, no.

632. No, no, no, no.

633. And then,

634. we just fill it up

635. again with candy.

636. Yeah, I know

637. how a piñata works.

638. Thanks. This was a good idea.

639. Aw!

640. Hey, this stuffing

641. looks like clouds.

642. We could use this as, uh,

643. decorations for the party.

644. Cloud 9!

645. Look at us

646. working together,

647. riffing off

648. each other's ideas, huh?

649. It's kind of like jazz,

650. you know?

651. Yeah. Yeah, go, go, go.

652. Xylophone sound.

653. We're jazzin', we're snazzin'

654. Hey.

655. I don't think you should

656. buy this stuff.

657. Huh? You just said

658. that I should.

659. Yeah, but then I realized,

660. what if part

661. of the lightning in the bottle

662. you were able to capture

663. in those videos

664. was actually

665. the old-school grill, right?

666. Uh, I don't think

667. that's true.

668. Sure, sure.

669. You know what?

670. Hey, how about this?

671. How about this? Uh...

672. You head out to the car,

673. and I'm gonna

674. bring this stuff out to you.

675. Oh, I still got to

676. pay for it, so...

677. It's on me.

678. What?

679. I would like to pay

680. for this, all of it.

681. What, you mean

682. you want to, like, invest?

683. Yeah. Yeah, I do.

684. I want to get in

685. on the ground floor.

686. You know what?

687. Partners?

688. Well, what percentage

689. are we talking?

690. Ah, you...

691. Whatever you think is fair.

692. We can talk

693. about it later.

694. No, no, no, no.

695. I don't think so.

696. I mean, that's how

697. people get in trouble.

698. I could see maybe

699. going 80-20.

700. Uh, 80-20 is a deal.

701. You got yourself a deal.

702. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

703. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

704. I just... I'm not sure I want to

705. give up that kind of equity.

706. I don't need equity.

707. I just need you to

708. get out of here before...

709. Adam?

710. That happens.

711. We can't afford

712. a grill right now.

713. But we can afford

714. for you to take

715. all the college classes

716. in the world.

717. Excuse me?

718. This is not Adam's fault.

719. This is my fault.

720. Jonah, stay out of this.

721. Those college courses

722. are gonna help me

723. make more money for us.

724. So will the videos.

725. Jonah's already invested.

726. I wouldn't use

727. the word "invested".

728. We're 90-10 partners.

729. I thought you said 80-20?

730. Stop it, Jonah.

731. For once in my life,

732. I want to give myself

733. permission to do

734. something for myself.

735. For once in your life, Adam?

736. Yes.

737. Come on.

738. What about

739. the kickboxing gym?

740. Yeah.

741. Or the reggaeton album?

742. Ooh.

743. And the homebrewed beer?

744. Wow. That is so low that

745. you would bring that up.

746. That is still aging.

747. It smells.

748. Yeah? Jonah says

749. I have potential.

750. What about that?

751. Oh!

752. Oh, that's what Jonah says?

753. Tell her.

754. Um, sorry, ma'am? Uh...

755. Crock-Pots?

756. Yes, Crock-Pots

757. are just over here.

758. Many hands make for

759. less work for everyone

760. Many hands make

761. for less work for everyone

762. Teamwork

763. Oh,

764. come on, guys, I mean...

765. So who won?

766. Gold Team won, Myrtle.

767. He's told you that,

768. like, six times.

769. Victory is sweet.

770. But you know what?

771. The real victory

772. is that we did it together.

773. Yeah.

774. Mmm-hmm.

775. Wait. You're on the Red Team.

776. I'm on the, "Take One

777. of Each T-shirt" team.

778. This feels about right

779. as the ending to the day.

780. Yeah.

781. Is your husband still here?

782. No, he went home.

783. He seems nice.

784. Yeah, he is.

785. Hey, uh,

786. I'm really sorry about...

787. It's not your fault.

788. So how'd you guys meet?

789. I don't really want to

790. talk about my home life.

791. Got it.

792. I was in high school,

793. and he was a football player.

794. "You hired him. That's why,

795. if it was up to me,

796. "I'd fire half the staff.

797. "No, don't put

798. that on the cake.

799. "Glenn, make him stop. See?

800. "Not so cocky now,

801. are you, Dina?

802. "I swear to God,

803. one of these days,

804. "I'm going to strangle you.

805. "I'd like to see...

806. "You try.

807. "Is that a threat?

808. You threatened me."

809. Is it working?