1. Excuse me, could you tell me
where I can find the...
Copy !req
2. Ah. I'm on the phone.
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3. I've been waiting for help
for, like, 20 minutes.
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4. I've been on hold for 40.
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5. But when the Chili Peppers
come to town,
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6. you do what it takes.
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7. Is there a manager
I could speak with?
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8. Yeah, obstructed view is fine.
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9. Whatever it takes
to see the Peppers.
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10. What you watching? Stuff?
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11. Corporate sent
a secret shopper
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12. to the Richmond Heights store.
Copy !req
13. - It did not go well.
- I think the screen froze.
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14. Nah, he just stays like that
for another 20 minutes.
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15. Sir, excuse me.
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16. I heard the Maplewood Commons
got a secret shopper too.
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17. Yeah,
they cleaned house after.
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18. Fired everyone.
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19. Even the manager?
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20. Especially the manager.
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21. How do you get especially fired?
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22. Kirkwood got a secret shopper,
but they did well.
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23. All the associates got raises.
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24. - Like money?
- No.
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25. Like they were lifted
up into the air
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26. and waved around... Yeah, money.
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27. I wonder if
they'll send one here.
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28. A secret shopper?
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29. I'd know.
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30. I can always sniff out a fake.
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31. The only way a secret shopper's
getting past me
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32. is if he doesn't even know
he's a secret shopper.
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33. Like Harrison Ford
in "Blade Runner."
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34. I'm gonna say this
one more time.
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35. Deckard was not a replicant.
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36. Then explain
the friggin' unicorn!
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37. Director's Cut doesn't count!
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38. I can't listen to
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39. the "Blade Runner" debate
one more time.
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40. I would love for them
to send a secret shopper.
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41. But then again, I got a 93
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42. on my last
corporate policy test,
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43. so nothing but net.
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44. Mateo, those scores
don't mean anything.
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45. - I don't know.
- 93 is pretty impressive.
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46. I got 100.
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47. Really?
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48. Well, that was a hurtfully
exaggerated "really."
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49. - No, I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean it to sound bad.
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50. I just meant, you're not
very good at your job.
Copy !req
51. Oh, okay. Well, thank you.
Copy !req
52. Okay, guys,
nothing else matters
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53. but this secret shopper, okay?
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54. We need a plan.
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55. I know.
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56. What if we treated
every customer
Copy !req
57. like they were
the secret shopper?
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58. Nah, that's never gonna work.
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59. Yeah, it's a terrible idea.
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60. This has got to be
the lamest thing
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61. anyone has ever been
cocky about.
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62. I know. It's so embarrassing.
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63. I told them not to
put that up there,
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64. but I guess they felt
they had to honor me somehow.
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65. You know you're just asking
someone to draw a penis
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66. on your face, right?
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67. This must be
really bittersweet for you,
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68. being surpassed by your protégé.
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69. But now is no longer
the time of Amy.
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70. No, now is the time of Ace.
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71. Oh, Ace? Wow.
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72. - Ace.
- They're calling me Ace now.
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73. Strong words
from a guy who led
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74. a flock of ducks into the store.
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75. My pocket was ripped.
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76. I didn't know
I was trailing crackers.
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77. Why are you even
walking around
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78. with crackers in your pocket?
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79. Because they don't have
the kind I like here.
Copy !req
80. All right,
Marcus is in court today
Copy !req
81. testifying against
his grandmother,
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82. so I need you to help zone
Clearance
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83. and then stock charcoal
in Patio.
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84. Charcoal doesn't go
in Patio anymore.
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85. It goes in Grocery.
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86. I got that answer right
on the test.
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87. I know that because I got
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88. every answer right on the test.
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89. This is supposed to be
one of the last
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90. warm weekends of the year.
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91. Do you know
what people like to do
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92. when the weather is nice?
Copy !req
93. Eat soft-shell crab.
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94. Grill, and our customers
are used to finding charcoal
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95. for their grills in Patio.
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96. So unless we want to spend the
next few weeks being MapQuest,
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97. we'll make the switch
after grilling season.
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98. Yeah, but with all
the secret shopper stuff,
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99. shouldn't we just be
doing things by the book?
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100. I know how to do my job.
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101. I'm not gonna live in fear
of some corporate spy.
Copy !req
102. Follow-up question:
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103. You don't still use
MapQuest, do you?
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104. It's very intuitive.
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105. First time in our store?
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106. Oh, no. I've been here before.
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107. Really?
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108. Because I have
a pretty good memory for faces,
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109. right there...
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110. In my brain.
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111. Well, you must
have forgotten mine.
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112. Yeah, I don't think so.
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113. It's very distinctive looking.
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114. But maybe it was my mistake.
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115. Guess you're just
a regular customer
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116. doing some regular
pet food shopping.
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117. Say, what type of pet
do you have?
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118. - It's a dog.
- What kind?
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119. - Cockapoo...
- How old?
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120. - Four...
- Gender?
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121. - Girl.
- Well...
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122. Looks like you've got
an answer for everything.
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123. So I'll just leave you
to your shopping.
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124. Oh!
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125. I almost forgot to ask.
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126. What's your cat's name?
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127. It's a dog.
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128. Sure it is.
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129. Where would I find men's hats?
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130. All right, you're gonna want
to go to aisle 16,
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131. and then straight, uh... oh.
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132. Uh, who's this hat for?
A boyfriend?
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133. No. No boyfriend.
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134. - It's for my dad.
- Tight, tight.
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135. Well, I could take you
over there personally.
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136. And if you'd like, I could model
some of the options for you.
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137. You know, they say my head
looks amazing in hats.
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138. All right.
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139. Yeah, that was cute and funny.
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140. Uh, let me tell you
about myself...
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141. Did I hear you ask
about men's hats?
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142. I can help you with that.
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143. Uh, I got this, man.
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144. Okay, just thought I'd ask,
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145. since I've personally tested
every hat we sell,
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146. and Garrett is
a sexual predator.
Copy !req
147. - What?
- Excuse me?
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148. Yeah, that's why
his nickname is "The Rapist."
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149. Unconvicted, but we all know.
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150. Anyway,
are we thinking Panama hat?
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151. Trilby? Tricorn?
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152. You know what? I'm good.
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153. Okay, well,
remember to ask for Mateo.
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154. He'll make your day-o!
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155. What the was that?
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156. I don't know. I thought
she was the secret shopper.
Copy !req
157. - So?
- There are raises on the line.
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158. So sorry, not sorry.
I'm not here to make friends.
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159. Fine, whatever.
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160. I just hope for your sake,
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161. the secret shopper
isn't one of us.
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162. - Wh... wait, wait.
- What does that mean?
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163. Pssh. I ain't even
gonna tell you.
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164. No, no. You can tell me.
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165. Well, at the Penrose store,
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166. the corporate plant
was an employee.
Copy !req
167. And when he was done,
everyone who was a dick to him
Copy !req
168. got fired.
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169. But, hey, that's why I always
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170. try to be nice
to all my coworkers,
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171. but I'm just kind of
one of those guys
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172. that likes to keep his job,
so...
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173. Good luck.
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174. Thank... thank you.
Copy !req
175. - Well, no one's panicking.
- That's a good sign.
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176. We all just need to stay cool
about this, right?
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177. I mean, I'm being cool.
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178. You know that's not
a stress ball, right?
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179. - It's a lemon.
- Let me have my process.
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180. Am I imagining things,
Copy !req
181. or did I ask you
to stock the charcoal in Patio?
Copy !req
182. - Glenn told me...
- Jonah reminded me
Copy !req
183. that charcoal is supposed
to be in Grocery now.
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184. Mm.
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185. We don't want to make
any mistakes,
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186. not with a secret shopper
in our mist.
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187. Wait, is it mist or midst?
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188. Which one were the gorillas
in again?
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189. Jonah?
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190. Mist.
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191. So, um, you went
over my head to Glenn?
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192. Well, no, it just sort of
came up in conversation...
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193. Well, thank God he did.
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194. You know, you could stand
to learn something
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195. from Mr. 100 here.
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196. That's a nickname
that we came up with.
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197. - He came up with.
- Yeah.
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198. I could think of
a nickname for you too,
Copy !req
199. but you haven't done anything
really impressive lately.
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200. How about Little Miss "On Time"?
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201. Dr. Cool?
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202. Workules?
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203. How about just Amy?
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204. Floor supervisor.
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205. Boring. Wait.
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206. Bed, Bath, and Beyonce! Huh?
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207. Hey.
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208. Here you are.
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209. Olives?
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210. It's the closest thing
I could find to an olive branch.
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211. Thanks.
Copy !req
212. Uh, so I guess now
I restock these...
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213. - No, no, no, I'll do it.
- I'll... I'll...
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214. - Excuse me.
- Where can I find the charcoal?
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215. Grocery.
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216. Look, I'm sorry for
going over your head like that.
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217. And I know what you're thinking.
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218. I wouldn't have done that
if you were a man.
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219. Nope. Wasn't thinking that.
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220. - Oh, good.
- It's fine.
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221. Just, next time,
come to me first
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222. before you go to Glenn,
all right?
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223. Got it, got it.
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224. Although,
I did come to you first.
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225. Yeah, so next time,
do a better job of it.
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226. - Better job.
- Yeah.
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227. Copy that.
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228. How?
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229. Hey, uh,
are we sold out of charcoal?
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230. - Grocery.
- Hmm.
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231. Where are tampons? Electronics?
Copy !req
232. No, they're where tampons
normally are.
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233. Okay.
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234. How about you hang
these nifty signs
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235. and then grab a mop?
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236. Because I don't think
that raccoon ever left us.
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237. Will do,
uh, so... so real quick,
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238. and I hate to even mention this,
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239. but I think there's, like,
a store policy
Copy !req
240. against hanging flyers.
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241. Yeah, I'm not, like,
looking for a new bassist
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242. for my punk band;
I think this is fine.
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243. Right, right, of course.
Copy !req
244. But there really is a policy.
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245. Yeah, you just said that.
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246. But I'm now trying to do
a better job of saying it.
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247. Condolence cards, huh?
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248. Bummer. Who died?
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249. Uh, a friend of mine.
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250. Hmm. You don't look very upset.
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251. Probably not that good a friend.
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252. Can I see a death certificate?
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253. I-I don't think I need
a death certificate
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254. just to buy a card.
Copy !req
255. Well, well, well.
Copy !req
256. Look who knows a lot
about Cloud 9 store policies.
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257. What was your friend's name?
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258. - I don't understand...
- How did he die?
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259. What did he love?
What kind of music was he into?
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260. Billy Joel?
Everybody's into Billy Joel.
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261. Was he a vegetarian or normal?
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262. The kind of guy you trust
with a lot of money or...
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263. Enough, all right?
Copy !req
264. I see what you're doing,
and you're right.
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265. By the end, I didn't really
know him anymore.
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266. May... maybe I never
really knew him.
Copy !req
267. The point is,
I wasn't there for him
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268. when he needed me the most.
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269. Hmm.
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270. Funny. You don't look Jewish.
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271. Mateo.
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272. What you doing in here?
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273. I'm investigating.
Copy !req
274. What if there is no
secret shopper?
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275. You ever think
that corporate is spying on us
Copy !req
276. with a secret employee?
Copy !req
277. Well, no, but now
that's all I can think about.
Copy !req
278. You notice how Jonah
Copy !req
279. never talks about what
he was doing before this job?
Copy !req
280. Well, sure, but I just figured
he was a criminal.
Copy !req
281. You'd be surprised how many
of our employees have been.
Copy !req
282. I mean, I've always wondered
why an educated,
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283. privileged pretty boy
would decide to work here.
Copy !req
284. And then I noticed Jonah's car
has Illinois plates.
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285. Oh.
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286. Do you know what else
is in Illinois?
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287. Oh, soybeans.
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288. Cloud 9 headquarters.
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289. Oh!
Copy !req
290. I mean, now it makes sense
how he beat my score
Copy !req
291. on that test;
he probably wrote the test.
Copy !req
292. - Okay.
- Let's keep this under our hats.
Copy !req
293. I don't want anyone to start
acting weird around him.
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294. Jonah, do you know why
I called you in here?
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295. Uh, no.
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296. Am I in trouble?
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297. As if.
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298. Why? Am I in trouble?
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299. Um, I-I don't think so.
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300. Whew. That's a relief.
Copy !req
301. - Yeah.
- So, um...
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302. I'm just gonna come out
and say it.
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303. You know,
I think I deserve a raise.
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304. - Absolutely.
- Really?
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305. Yeah. A big one.
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306. Would you be willing
to tell people about that?
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307. Am I? Sure, yeah.
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308. I'll definitely... I'll tell
whoever you want, yeah.
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309. Oh, my God.
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310. I-I don't know...
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311. You... you...
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312. I'm so glad
we had this conversation.
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313. Yeah.
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314. I keep a tin of candies in here
Copy !req
315. for special occasions.
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316. They are wickedly sour.
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317. What? Didn't he...
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318. Just like a regular Joe, huh?
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319. You're gonna have to do
better than that.
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320. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
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321. I think I got that...
Copy !req
322. Let's talk about why you need
Copy !req
323. each of those items
in that basket.
Copy !req
324. - Excuse me, Dina?
- Have you seen Jonah?
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325. Last time I saw
that little piece,
Copy !req
326. he was talking to Glenn
in his office.
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327. God, you smell like
you're from Chicago.
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328. Will Jonah please report
to Patio immediately?
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329. I repeat...
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330. Jonah to Patio...
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331. One second.
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332. Immediately!
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333. Okay. I'm on my way.
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334. Make sure
that you actually are.
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335. I just said I am.
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336. Yes, but sometimes you say
you're going to do things,
Copy !req
337. and then you don't.
Copy !req
338. Why don't we have this
discussion in person?
Copy !req
339. Given that you just started
working here...
Copy !req
340. What is going on?
Copy !req
341. Maybe you shouldn't tell me
how to do my job.
Copy !req
342. Or maybe you should leave
the intercom open
Copy !req
343. for more important
announcements.
Copy !req
344. - No, you guys go wild.
- I never want this to end.
Copy !req
345. I am your supervisor.
Copy !req
346. Don't think you know this job
better than me
Copy !req
347. just because you did well
on some stupid test.
Copy !req
348. The test doesn't make me
think I know better.
Copy !req
349. The test is empirical proof
that I do know better.
Copy !req
350. Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.
Copy !req
351. Dildos are on sale for 69 cents
in aisle 69.
Copy !req
352. Hey, bozo,
we're using the intercom!
Copy !req
353. Get off!
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354. Why don't you take
your own advice?
Copy !req
355. Baba Booey, Baba Booey!
Copy !req
356. Howard Stern for president!
Copy !req
357. Hey, I need that!
Copy !req
358. - Penis, penis, penis!
- Karen Figoletto is a skank!
Copy !req
359. Actually, kid,
that's a lot more insightful
Copy !req
360. than anything Jonah's
got to say today.
Copy !req
361. Our manager seems to think
I'm very insightful.
Copy !req
362. Yes, that's because
Copy !req
363. you're a little ass-kissing
face.
Copy !req
364. Oh...
Copy !req
365. Have a heavenly day.
Copy !req
366. I don't understand
what's gotten into you.
Copy !req
367. You're just lucky
that Jonah doesn't take
Copy !req
368. these kinds of things
personally.
Copy !req
369. Jonah?
Copy !req
370. Do you know what he said to me
Copy !req
371. when I asked him
if he was going to fire you?
Copy !req
372. He said, "I can't do that."
Copy !req
373. 'Cause he can't.
Copy !req
374. I'm his boss.
Copy !req
375. Oh, right.
Copy !req
376. You are saying something
that is true to you.
Copy !req
377. Oh, sorry.
Copy !req
378. Yeah? Sweetie, great news.
Copy !req
379. I'm getting a raise!
Copy !req
380. There'll be money
for the houseboat
Copy !req
381. and for your mom's surgery.
Copy !req
382. - Hey, Glenn?
- Hmm?
Copy !req
383. - Can I get back to work?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
384. Just play nice with Jonah.
Copy !req
385. Unless you want to spend
the rest of your day
Copy !req
386. doing backbreaking work
in the stockroom.
Copy !req
387. Very convincing.
Copy !req
388. What do you mean, dear?
Copy !req
389. What I mean, "dear,"
Copy !req
390. is, if you'd just
stayed in Pharmacy,
Copy !req
391. I wouldn't have batted an eye.
Copy !req
392. But no one your age is throwing
their money away on a new bed.
Copy !req
393. I mean, let's be honest.
Copy !req
394. How many years of sleeping
do you even have left?
Copy !req
395. I don't know
what's happening here.
Copy !req
396. I'll tell you
what's happening.
Copy !req
397. Your cover's been blown,
sweetheart.
Copy !req
398. Hello, Chicago.
Copy !req
399. I'm not stupid.
Copy !req
400. Oh.
Copy !req
401. Hey, so, uh...
Copy !req
402. Things got a little
out of hand back there.
Copy !req
403. Yeah.
Copy !req
404. Is this your way of apologizing?
Copy !req
405. No, that was me giving you
Copy !req
406. the chance to apologize to me.
Copy !req
407. Oh.
Copy !req
408. Okay, thank you.
Copy !req
409. Um, is there anything else
I can help you with?
Copy !req
410. We're out of
Nosey the Anteater.
Copy !req
411. - It's a plush toy...
- Yeah, I know who Nosey is.
Copy !req
412. I'll get him.
Copy !req
413. - Do you, um...
- Do you need a hand...
Copy !req
414. No, no. No. No, thank you.
Copy !req
415. I know how to operate
a forklift.
Copy !req
416. It's just been a while,
Copy !req
417. and I don't remember
there being so many levers.
Copy !req
418. Why are they always
improving things?
Copy !req
419. Are you sure you don't
want any help?
Copy !req
420. Because I've been studying
the manual for my certification.
Copy !req
421. Oh, that's great,
but, you know,
Copy !req
422. sometimes you can memorize
a textbook for something
Copy !req
423. and still not know how to do it
in real life, so...
Copy !req
424. Okay. Have at it.
Copy !req
425. Oh!
Copy !req
426. Okay, Ace,
why don't you give it a shot?
Copy !req
427. Garrett, what up?
Copy !req
428. Have you seen Jonah?
Copy !req
429. I got some meatballs
Copy !req
430. from that place he always calls
"an unassuming gem."
Copy !req
431. Why are you getting
meatballs for Jonah?
Copy !req
432. Because Jonah
is a secret employee.
Copy !req
433. What?
Copy !req
434. No.
Copy !req
435. Bad news, though.
Jonah hates meatballs.
Copy !req
436. - What?
- Doesn't like 'em.
Copy !req
437. You know what he does like?
Copy !req
438. He likes cakes
Copy !req
439. from that bakery down on Birch.
Copy !req
440. The one you're always
talking about?
Copy !req
441. Mm-hmm, yeah. That same one.
Copy !req
442. Jonah likes it too.
Jonah likes it too.
Copy !req
443. Okay.
Copy !req
444. He loves the cakes
with coconut on them.
Copy !req
445. Okay, coconut cake,
bakery on Birch.
Copy !req
446. None of that
white chocolate stuff.
Copy !req
447. - Got it, I'm on it.
- That's what I'm talking about.
Copy !req
448. You're a secret shopper,
aren't you?
Copy !req
449. That's cool. I won't tell.
Copy !req
450. Maybe this does something...
Copy !req
451. Um...
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452. - No. No.
- I don't think that's it.
Copy !req
453. - Okay, okay.
- Turn it off.
Copy !req
454. - Sorry, not this!
- Turn it off!
Copy !req
455. Okay!
Copy !req
456. Okay, your turn.
Copy !req
457. Stop! Stop!
Copy !req
458. - Stop!
- Oh!
Copy !req
459. The printers are
right underneath...
Copy !req
460. - They're crushing the...
- Oh, okay, okay.
Copy !req
461. - Cool?
- No, not cool!
Copy !req
462. I'm spinning!
Copy !req
463. Okay, all right.
Copy !req
464. Turn... I'm not touching anything!
Copy !req
465. - It's just going!
- Stop turning.
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466. - Like this?
- God, oh, God.
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467. Amy!
Copy !req
468. Yes!
Copy !req
469. It's all coming back to me.
Copy !req
470. It's like riding
a four-ton bicycle.
Copy !req
471. You hear that?
Copy !req
472. That's the sound of victory.
Copy !req
473. - No, no, no, no!
- You have to raise...
Copy !req
474. Wah!
Copy !req
475. Oh!
Copy !req
476. Well.
Copy !req
477. So is there anything
you want to talk about?
Copy !req
478. Or should we just continue
to destroy the stockroom?
Copy !req
479. Look, I haven't
told anyone here this
Copy !req
480. because it would be
really embarrassing
Copy !req
481. if it didn't work out,
Copy !req
482. but I've started taking
college courses.
Copy !req
483. Well, that's...
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484. If anything
you're about to say
Copy !req
485. includes the words
"brave,"courageous,"
Copy !req
486. or "girl power,"
please don't talk.
Copy !req
487. So it was a little annoying
Copy !req
488. when you started rubbing
that stupid test in my face
Copy !req
489. as if it meant you were smarter
than me or something.
Copy !req
490. I don't think
I'm smarter than you.
Copy !req
491. I know you're not
smarter than me.
Copy !req
492. That's what's so annoying.
Copy !req
493. You're just one of those guys
Copy !req
494. that things seem
to work out for.
Copy !req
495. I flunked out of
business school...
Copy !req
496. In Chicago.
Copy !req
497. I didn't want
to be there anyway.
Copy !req
498. It was stupid.
Copy !req
499. I was just 28 and trying
to figure out
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500. what I wanted to do
with my life.
Copy !req
501. And apparently what I wanted
to do with my life
Copy !req
502. was rack up
a whole bunch of debt.
Copy !req
503. So what'd you do?
Copy !req
504. I took a long drive.
Copy !req
505. And then I wanted a snack,
Copy !req
506. and so I stopped at this
random store in St. Louis
Copy !req
507. and saw they were hiring, and...
Copy !req
508. Wow.
Copy !req
509. You know,
if you weren't my boss,
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510. I would say we should just
get up and walk away
Copy !req
511. like we didn't know
any of this happened.
Copy !req
512. Yeah, right.
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513. Although,
these bolts are pretty rusty.
Copy !req
514. They could have totally
fallen by themselves.
Copy !req
515. You are preaching
to the choir.
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516. Um, Jonah? Jonah.
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517. Jonah!
Copy !req
518. - Oh! Get out of the way!
- Get out of the way!
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519. Oh!
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520. Hey, all things considered,
Copy !req
521. I think you handled that
pretty well.
Copy !req
522. - I got to hand it to that guy.
- He's good.
Copy !req
523. I wouldn't be surprised
if he had CIA training.
Copy !req
524. Spent a little time at The Farm.
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525. You know they just sent
the same guy
Copy !req
526. they did last time, right?
Copy !req
527. So what does this mean for us?
Copy !req
528. Well, luckily,
we still scored pretty well
Copy !req
529. compared to Richmond Heights.
Copy !req
530. Turns out they had a meth lab
in their basement,
Copy !req
531. which, turns out,
was just a front
Copy !req
532. for a dog fighting ring.
Copy !req
533. Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Copy !req
534. This is my favorite part.
Copy !req
535. What? What's wrong with you?
Copy !req
536. I know a camera
when I see a camera.
Copy !req
537. - Come on!
- You're crazy.
Copy !req
538. Man, the camera loves me.
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