Strangers with Candy 3x4

Directed by Peter Lauer

Deborah Rush as Sara Blank • Larc Spies as Derrick Blank • Maria Christina Thayer as Tammi Littlenut • Justin Daniel as Casper • Chris Carmack as Laird

Jerri and class hunk Laird are having a fling, but he is insistent on keeping it a secret. So Jerri finds herself forced to hide out in odd places like Laird's locker, the trunk of his car, a trash can, etc., so they can continue their secret rendezvous. Meanwhile, Jerri's stepmother experiences relationship troubles with Stew, prompting an unusual bonding moment between stepmother and stepdaughter.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. OKAY, HERE'S AN IDEA.

2. I'LL BE A COWBOY, YOU BE AN INDIAN.

3. HOW COME YOU ALWAYS GET THE UPPER HAND?

4. FINE, THEN YOU THINK OF SOMETHING.

5. BE A DEATH ROW INMATE.

6. WHO HAS THE UPPER HAND THEN?

7. U-BOAT CAPTAINS!

8. YAWOL!

9. AROUND THE MURKY DEEP. YEAH!

10. FIRE OUR MISSILES!

11. "RIG FOR SILENT RUNNING!"

12. DOING DOWN HERE?

13. HEY, IS THAT HOW THEY HEAT THE WHOLE SCHOOL?

14. YEAH, THAT'S THE BOILER AND THIS IS THE, UH...

15. GAUGE. ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO.

16. IF YOU DON'T MIND, THE SCHOOL DAY IS OVER. I'D LIKE TO LOCK UP.

17. HEY, AND I'D LIKE TO GO HOME.

18. I'LL DRIVE. ALL RIGHT.

19. PRINCIPAL.

20.

21. OH, BABY, MMMM.

22. WHITE ASS DOWN HERE.

23. WATCH THE PIPE, IT'S HOT.

24. AND I DON'T MEAN THE HEATING DUCT.

25. HELLO! I'M JERRI BLANK.

26. 32 YEARS AGO I DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL

27. AND RAN AWAY FROM HOME.

28. OH, I MADE A LOT OF FRIENDS,

29. DID A LOT OF TIME...

30. I WAS A BOOZER, A USER, AND A LOSER.

31. I STOLE THE TV—

32. DID SOME MORE TIME.

33. BUT NOW I'M BACK IN SCHOOL!

34. MAY HAVE CHANGED...

35. ARE JUST THE SAME.

36. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

37. AND SECRETLY MEETING ME.

38. OH, LAIRD—

39. LOOK, I BETTER GO.

40. AND REMEMBER, THIS IS OUR LITTLE SECRET.

41. OH, AND JERRI, COULD YOU COUNT TO 20 OR SO BEFORE YOU LEAVE?

42. THANKS.

43. LITTLE HELP!

44. L-LITTLE HELP!

45.

46. LITTLE HELP.

47. JERRI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN LAIRD'S LOCKER?

48. WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?

49. I CAN'T BELIEVE

50. NOBLET'S CLASS AGAIN.

51. WE HAD A POP QUIZ.

52. DID WE?

53. WITH LAIRD?

54. I DON'T KISS AND TELL, WELL I DO,

55. BUT LET'S JUST SAY THAT THE PERSON WITH WHOM

56. A MAJOR LIP LOCK WITH

57. WILL REMAIN LAIRDLESS.

58. YOU AND LAIRD?

59. LAIRD, THE HOTTEST, MOST POPULAR GUY IN SCHOOL?

60. THAT'S RIGHT, TAMMELA.

61. RIGHT NOW IT'S ALL PRETTY HUSH-HUSH.

62. WE'RE PLAYING THIS LITTLE ROMANTIC GAME,

63. I DON'T EVEN EXIST.

64. BUT I'M SURE WE'RE GONNA GO PUBLIC WITH IT REAL SOON.

65. BUT YOU'RE GOING TO THE FALL MAKE-OUT FESTIVAL TOGETHER, RIGHT?

66. WELL HE HASN'T ASKED ME YET,

67. BUT, UH, I'M SURE HE WILL.

68. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, JERRI!

69. PRETTY LIKELY YOU'RE GONNA BE BADLY HURT.

70. NOT THIS TIME, NUTTAGE.

71. BECAUSE I'M BLINDLY IN LOVE,

72. FOLLOWING MY WHIMS,

73. MY EMOTIONAL EGGS

74. IN ONE FRAGILE BASKET.

75. JUST BE CAREFUL. I AM!

76. OH TAMMI, I GOTTA GO!

77. IN THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR DURING LUNCH!

78. MEET YOU THERE?

79. I DON'T KNOW, WHO CARES, I'M IN LOVE!

80. WHEEEE!

81. WHEEEE!

82. SO THAT'S IT, I'M OUT OF A JOB.

83. I DON'T BELIEVE IT, STEW, THERE MUST BE PLENTY OF WORK

84. YOUR CALIBER.

85. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, SARA, THE MEAT MARKET HAS CRASHED.

86. PEOPLE DON'T WANT MEAT ANYMORE.

87. WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT FOR NOW

88. I HAVE NO SAVINGS, NO MEANS TO MAKE MONEY

89. AND NO DESIRE TO DO SO.

90. OR GET SICK OF LIVIN' HERE,

91. I'M JUST GONNA HANG OUT.

92. CHECK THE WANT-ADS.

93. GODDAMMIT, SARA!

94. FROM MY WIFE WHEN I'M AT HOME,

95. HEAR IT HERE TOO?

96. MUMSY!

97. OH, DID YOU DO SOMETHING NEW WITH YOUR HAIR?

98. STEW!

99. I LOVE MY FAMILY!

100. RIGHT NOW!

101. "DEAR DIARY,

102. "I'M SORRY FOR ALL THOSE HATEFUL, RACIST THINGS I SAID ABOUT YOU.

103. "EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED, I'M IN LOVE!

104. "THIS IS NO CRUSH!

105. "I FEEL LIKE I'M WILDLY OUT OF CONTROL

106. "ON A TOBOGGAN OF PASSION

107. "SLIDING DOWN AN ICY MOUNTAIN OF LAIRD

108. "HEADED TOWARDS A GIANT OAK TREE OF DENIAL!

109. "I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY!

110. "SOMETHING YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND,

111. "YOU DIRTY, DIRTY JEW DIARY.

112. "KIDDING, JUST KIDDING!

113. JERRI BLANK."

114.

115. NOW I CAN KILL TOO, CHINO.

116. BECAUSE NOW I HAVE HATE!

117. IN THIS GUN FOR ME?

118. OR FOR JOO?

119. OR FOR JOO?

120.

121. IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN APPLAUD.

122. OKAY!

123. WAS TRYING TO SAY HERE

124. AT THE END OF "WEST SIDE STORY" ?

125. ANYBODY?

126. JERRI? YES, SIR?

127. JERRI, WHERE IS WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR MIND?

128. AT THE END OF "WEST SIDE STORY,"

129. STRANGLE EACH OTHER?

130. IS WORTH DYING FOR?

131. NO, I THINK WHAT SHAKESPEARE WAS GETTING AT

132. PREFERABLE TO HAVING

133. REVEALED.

134. IS THAT TRUE?

135. SECRET RELATIONSHIPS, CHIP?

136. I'M IN A VERY OPEN, VERY MARRIED RELATIONSHIP WITH MY WIFE.

137. SEE? THAT'S HER.

138. UH, CLAIRE.

139. PSST.

140. THE BOILER ROOM. FIVE MINUTES.

141. HEY, MISTER, EYES ON YOUR OWN TEST!

142. BUT WE'RE NOT TAKING A TEST.

143. RIGHT NOW.

144. A PIECE OF PAPER.

145. HEY, DON'T GET ANGRY WITH ME!

146. BLAME MR. NOSEY-EYES HERE.

147. OK, QUESTION #1.

148. EXPLAIN WESTERN HISTORY.

149. BE SPECIFIC, SUPPORT YOUR ANSWER.

150.

151. OK, PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN, HAND IN YOUR TESTS.

152. I'LL GRADE THEM ON THEIR PENMANSHIP.

153. JERRI, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

154. I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR GRADES LATELY.

155. FOR MOST OF THE SEMESTER, YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING NICE AND STEADY AT AN...

156. "F".

157. BUT LATELY, YOU'VE BEEN SLIPPING.

158. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PULL AN "A" ON THE MIDTERM

159. JUST TO FAIL.

160. IS EVERYTHING OKAY? EVERYTHING'S WONDERFUL!

161. I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.

162. I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE TELLING YOU THIS,

163. BUT, UH, I'VE BEEN INVOLVED IN A SECRET RELATIONSHIP—

164. JERRI, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS.

165. I'VE GOTTA GET DOWN TO THE BOILER ROOM

166. SOME PAPERS.

167. WITH LAIRD.

168. LAIRD!

169. WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU STUPID BITCH!

170. THE SECRET PLACE IN FIVE.

171. LOVE.

172. HEY, JERRI. HEY, LAIRD.

173. WHAT'S UP?

174. NOTHIN' MUCH, WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?

175. NOTHIN', THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE.

176. THANKS FOR ASKIN'.

177. YEAH. YEAH.

178. THE MAKE-OUT PARTY?

179. OH YEAH.

180. HEY MAN, WE'RE HITTIN' THE CRAPPER, WANNA GO?

181. HELL YEAH, I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND.

182. LOOK, JERRI, I GOTTA GO.

183. WITH MY BUDDIES.

184. THAT'S COOL.

185. LAIRD, WHEN CAN WE TELL OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT US?

186. JERRI, WE CAN'T TELL ANY OF THE GUYS ABOUT THIS SECRET.

187. BUT WHY LAIRDILES?

188. I DON'T KNOW, IT'S JUST...

189. YOU KNOW, HANGIN' OUT WITH THE GUYS IS COOL,

190. AND, YOU KNOW, HAVIN' A GIRLFRIEND IS SO GAY.

191. LOOK, I BETTER GO.

192. I DON'T WANT THOSE GUYS TO START WITHOUT ME.

193. OKAY. I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

194. HEY, JERRI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

195. OH, LAIRD SAYS IT TICKLES HIM,

196. OR SOMETHING.

197. WITH YOU TWO? GREAT!

198. I'M MEETING HIM LATER IN THIS HOLE HE DUG FOR ME.

199. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE STILL WANTS TO KEEP THIS RELATIONSHIP A SECRET.

200. THAT'S WRONG, JERRI!

201. IT'S DISRESPECTFUL.

202. RESPECTING YOURSELF!

203. LOOK, JERRI.

204. I'M DATING MR. GWINNETTE, THE SCIENCE TEACHER,

205. AND HE'S DOING THE RIGHT THING BY KEEPING IT VERY OPEN.

206. DON'T LET LAIRD GET AWAY WITH THIS!

207. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

208. HEY. HEY.

209. STEW, WHO— WHO ARE THESE CHILDREN?

210. IT'S CHUCK AND PATTY, THEY'RE MY KIDS.

211. I WASN'T WORKING,

212. LIVE HERE FOR A WHILE.

213. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN SUPPORT TWO MORE CHILDREN.

214. IS ALL ABOUT, SARA!

215. WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? MY WIFE DOES!

216. HEY, STEW, YOU SEEN MY MOTHER?

217. WHICH ONE, YOUR REAL ONE, YOUR DEAD ONE,

218. OR THE ONE I HAVE SEX WITH?

219. MMM, SEX WITH.

220. WHERE SHE'S NOT!

221. MAKIN' DINNER FOR ME AND MY KIDS!

222. NICE CHAT, STEW.

223.

224. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

225. HMM, WHAT AN ODD SITUATION,

226. MIGHT NEED THE INSIGHT

227. OF HER ONLY FAKE DAUGHTER.

228. LUCKILY FOR YOU, I GOT NOTHIN' TO SAY.

229. YOU KNOW, JERRI, IT'S JUST THAT WHEN STEW TAKES ADVANTAGE OF ME,

230. I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!

231. WOULD GIVE ME THE UPPER HAND,

232. I'M GOING TO HELP YOU.

233. DISRESPECTING YOU.

234. RESPECTING YOURSELF, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

235. THOSE WORDS TODAY?

236. HMM.

237. THE POINT IS, I HAVE THE UPPER HAND.

238. YOU'RE RIGHT, JERRI, AND THANK YOU.

239. SOME ACTION.

240. TO MAKE ROOM FOR STEW'S KIDS.

241. WHAT?

242. HEY, YOU GOING TO THE SCHOOL MAKE-OUT PARTY?

243. YOU KIDDING ME? I WOULDN'T MISS IT.

244. OH.

245. OH, THIS AIRSHAFT'S SO COZY.

246. SPEAKIN' OF SHAFTS,

247. THE MAKE-OUT PARTY?

248. OH YEAH, I'M GONNA CHECK IT OUT.

249. BET THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT OF PEOPLE THERE.

250. GOSH, I'M NOT DOIN' ANYTHING TONIGHT.

251. WAIT A MINUTE, I'VE GOT AN IDEA!

252. YOU WANNA MAKE-OUT? SURE!

253. HOW 'BOUT TONIGHT?

254. AH, I CAN'T.

255. GOIN' TO A MAKE-OUT PARTY.

256. LISTEN, JERRI, I GOTTA GO.

257. I'LL CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE.

258. GOOD, NOW ISOLATE EACH OF THE VITAL ORGANS

259. AND THE NEURAL GANGLIA.

260. HEY, HEY, HEY, MISTER!

261. SO YOU COULD LEARN SOMETHING!

262. SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT!

263. HEY, HONEY, LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

264. I...

265. HEART...

266. YOU!

267. OH, MR. GWINNETTE!

268. AWWWW!

269. NOW, THE CHAMBERS OF THE HEART, OR VENTRICLES,

270. CAN BE DIVIDED BY TWO, TWICE...

271. SO, WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH LAIRD?

272. WITH YOU GUYS?

273. I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT LAIRD INVITED ME

274. TONIGHT.

275. JERRI, THAT'S GREAT!

276. MR. GWINNETTE AND I WILL SEE YOU THERE.

277. OH YOU WOULD'VE, BUT I GOT SOMETHIN' BETTER TO DO.

278. WHAT?

279. OH, I'M UH...

280. I'M GETTING A... COLONIC.

281. YEAH, GETTING SOME SOAPY WATER PUMPED UP THE OLD CHUTE.

282. YOU KNOW, GET RID OF THE BLACK TAR

283. THAT'S BEEN BUILDIN' UP IN THE OLD PIPES.

284. GOOD TIMES!

285. COME ON JERRI, BLOW THAT OFF AND COME.

286. THAT YOU'RE A COUPLE.

287. OKAY, I WILL!

288. HEY, BLANK, WHO YOU TAKING TO THE MAKE-OUT PARTY?

289. IS IT HUMAN?

290. I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M MAKING-OUT

291. REAL REGULAR!

292. WHO?

293. LAAARRNYAH-NYAH-NYAH... WHO?

294. I CAN'T TELL YOU.

295. RIGHT, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T EXIST.

296. LAIRD!

297. LAIRD!

298. LAIRD!

299. AFTER 6th PERIOD.

300. BRING A DISGUISE!

301. STEW, I THINK WE NEED TO TALK.

302. THAT'S IT!

303. LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU FIND YOURSELF

304. WITH TWO CHILDREN TO SUPPORT,

305. OUT OF HERE!

306. STEW, THAT'S NOT WHAT I—

307. STEW!

308. STEW!

309. HELLO, HELLO, MR. COW?

310. AND I AM LOUIS PASTEUR

311. TO INOCULATE YOU!

312. CATCH ME FIRST!

313. OH, MR. COW, YOU COME BACK HERE!

314. YOU NAUGHTY LITTLE COW!

315. WELL, IS THIS MY BUNSEN BURNER?

316. I WAS LOOKING FOR THIS.

317. LAIRD, WHAT AM I DOING HERE, SHOULDN'T I BE IN CLASS?

318. I DON'T KNOW.

319. WELL, I'M GONNA FIND OUT, MISTER!

320. JERRI?

321. LOOK, LAIRD.

322. LOOK, I'M ALL FOR ANONYMOUS SEX,

323. DON'T GET ME WRONG.

324. I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COUNT THE NUMBER OF STEAM PIPES I'VE BEEN HIKED UP AGAINST,

325. BUT, OH, IT'S VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO SAY...

326. GO TO THAT MAKE-OUT PARTY.

327. OF COURSE NOT.

328. LAIRD, I WANNA GO TO THAT MAKE-OUT PARTY!

329. LOOK, I LOVE YOU!

330. TO SEE US TOGETHER

331. THE SITUATION

332. TO YOUR SENSES!

333. LOOK, JERRI, I'M FEELIN' A LOT OF PRESSURE FROM YOU RIGHT NOW.

334. RELATIONSHIP GOIN' ON,

335. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D WANNA RUIN IT.

336. I'M NOT TRYIN' TO RUIN IT, I WANNA MAKE IT BETTER.

337. NOT TO SEE EACH OTHER,

338. SEEING EACH OTHER!

339. LAIRD!

340. ZARLOX?

341. I SHOULDN'T.

342. MAYBE FOR LATER.

343. LAIRD LEFT ME! STEW LEFT ME!

344. I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!

345. THAT'S TERRIBLE! THAT'S TERRIBLE!

346. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

347. WHO'S LAIRD?

348. LAIRD'S MY SECRET BOYFRIEND

349. OF MY LOINS.

350. MAKE OUR LOVE PUBLIC

351. AND HE LEFT ME.

352. OH, I UNDERSTAND.

353. WHY I'M SO UPSET?

354. NO, I UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEONE WOULD LEAVE YOU.

355. WELL, STEW LEFT YOU AND LAIRD LEFT ME,

356. SO I GUESS WE'RE IN THE SAME BOAT.

357. OH, I PRAYED THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME.

358. THAT HE WOULD LEAVE YOU?

359. SOMETHING IN COMMON.

360. HAD SOME BAD TIMES TOGETHER.

361. OH YEAH, BUT WE'VE HAD SOME HORRIBLE TIMES, TOO.

362. YOU AND I NEED, JERRI?

363. TAKE OUR MINDS OFF

364. RELATIONSHIPS.

365. I KNOW WHERE THERE'S A MAKE-OUT PARTY.

366. I'M IN.

367. LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

368.

369. WELCOME, LADIES, TO THE SEMI-ANNUAL

370. MAKE-OUT CARNIVALE.

371. CAN I GET YOU A COUCH?

372. ACTUALLY, WE'RE JUST HERE TO BROWSE.

373. HMM, MAYBE YOU CARE TO PARTNER-UP.

374. OF MATURE ELIGIBLE ME'S.

375. THAT'S A VERY KIND OFFER, PRINCIPAL,

376. RACIAL "COMMINGLING".

377. I'M WITH YOU 100 PERCENT,

378. EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR MY UNCONTROLLABLE DESIRE

379. WHITE WOMEN.

380. ENJOY YOURSELVES.

381. GOOD TURN OUT!

382. MMPH, A LOT OF TONGUE-LASHING GOIN' ON.

383. I PUSHED HIM TOO HARD.

384. I THINK I'LL GIVE STEW A CALL.

385. DON'T DO IT!

386. RESPECT YOURSELF, MAKE HIM COME TO YOU.

387. THERE'S LAIRD, I'M GONNA GO TO HIM!

388. OH GOD!

389. STEW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FOUND ME HERE!

390. NEITHER CAN I, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

391. OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS.

392. DOING HERE?

393. WITH SOMEBODY.

394. WHY CAN'T THAT SOMEBODY BE ME?

395. I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.

396. BUT FIRST, THERE'S SOMETHIN' I WANNA SAY TO YOU, SARA.

397. I'VE BEEN A FOOL, IT'S SOMETHIN' I SHOULD HAVE SAID A LONG TIME AGO.

398. HERE GOES...

399. I'M WILLING TO COME BACK TO YOU,

400. NOTHING CHANGES.

401. STEW!

402. GEOFFREY!

403.

404. UH-HUH, GEOFFREY!

405. GEOFFREY!

406. PSST, LAIRD!

407. LAIRD, PSST!

408. LAIRD!

409. LAIRD, I'LL MAKE THIS QUICK,

410. SO YOU CAN GET BACK TO YOUR PALS.

411. THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME TO SAY,

412. PUBLIC, TONIGHT, RIGHT NOW,

413. I'M GONNA HAVE TO KEEP DOING EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING

414. A SECRET.

415. AND I MEAN IT!

416. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

417. ANGRY AT ME AND EVERYTHING.

418. YOUR SELF-RESPECT?

419. I'VE RECENTLY LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT SELF-RESPECT.

420. I DON'T HAVE ANY.

421. HEY, JERRI.

422. WANNA MAKE OUT?

423. OH LAIRD!

424. HIDE IN THE DUMPSTER, I'LL BE OUT LATER.

425. I'LL BE THERE! MMPH!

426. HI JERRI, DID YOU KEEP YOUR SELF-RESPECT?

427. NO, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

428. NOPE.

429. THAT'S A LOT MORE IMPORTANT?

430. TO MAKE OUT WITH!

431. WHERE ARE YOU HEADED?

432. I'M MEETING LAIRD IN THE DUMPSTER!

433. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

434. Captioned by Soundwriters™