Strangers with Candy 3x1

Directed by Peter Lauer

Deborah Rush as Sara Blank • Larc Spies as Derrick Blank • Maria Christina Thayer as Tammi Littlenut • Jack Ferver as Jimmy Tickles • Bernie McInerney as Dr. Zorters

After deflowering a male classmate, Jerri finds out that she has contracted a series of STDs (syphillis infested with crabs which are carrying gonorrhea) and must inform all her partners of her discovery. Meanwhile, Mr. Jellineck and Mr. Noblet have problems concealing their own bout with a particularly noticeable STD.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. THAT WAS...

2. GREAT!

3. AREN'T GONNA BE HOME SOON?

4. BOY, YOU REALLY CLAWED ME UP PRETTY GOOD.

5. THIS IS GREAT, JUST THE GREATEST.

6. ALL THE OTHER...

7. LOOK, I SHOULD TELL YOU SOMETHING,

8. MY FIRST TIME.

9. MINE TOO.

10. LET'S CUT THE CHATTER AND GET BACK TO THE SLAPPIN'.

11. I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER CONDOM.

12. WHO CARES? NOTHIN' TO WORRY ABOUT.

13. YEARS AGO.

14. AND EVERYTHING?

15. SAFE SEX! GET OUT OF THE KIDDIE POOL,

16. IN THE DANGER ZONE.

17. HELLO! I'M JERRI BLANK.

18. 32 YEARS AGO I DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL

19. AND RAN AWAY FROM HOME.

20. OH, I MADE A LOT OF FRIENDS,

21. DID A LOT OF TIME...

22. I WAS A BOOZER, A USER, AND A LOSER.

23. I STOLE A TV—

24. DID SOME MORE TIME.

25. BUT NOW I'M BACK IN SCHOOL!

26. MAY HAVE CHANGED...

27. ARE JUST THE SAME.

28. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL

29. I AM SO JAZZED!

30. I WONDER WHO'S GONNA GET PICKED FOR LORD AND LADY OF THE DANCE?

31. SHOULD BE.

32. OH, PLEASE, ALL OF YOU WOULD MAKE A GOOD LORD AND LADY.

33. ESPECIALLY YOU, JIMMY. REALLY?

34. YEAH, YOU'D MAKE A GREAT LADY!

35.

36. QUIET DOWN, QUIET DOWN, QUIET DOWN!

37. ALL RIGHT!

38. WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR FACE?

39. THIS? OH, DAMN BEES.

40. LOOKS LIKE A COLD SORE. WELL, IT'S NOT!

41. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE ONE.

42. OKAY, I JUST FINISHED MEETING

43. OF ME, MYSELF AND I,

44. AND WE'VE MADE MY FINAL DECISION FOR THIS YEAR'S

45. OF THE DANCE.

46. THIS YEAR IS...

47. AND JERRI BLANK!

48. YES!

49. I COULDN'T THINK OF A BETTER CHOICE!

50. OH MY GOD, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!

51. I AM SUPER-JAZZED!

52. MR. JELLINECK, PLEASE HELP ME!

53.

54.

55. HEY JERRI, I GOT A RIDDLE FOR YOU.

56. SAY TO HIS HALF-SISTER JERRI BLANK?

57. WHAT, DERRICK?

58. YOU'RE A FAT UGLY PIG! GET IT?

59. ALL RIGHT, NOT AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE, KIDS!

60. I GOT IT, DERRICK.

61. LISTEN "SIR FAGS-A-LOT", YOUR JAPES CANNOT TOUCH ME.

62. I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I

63. BOYFRIEND JARED

64. LORD AND LADY OF THE DANCE.

65. WHAT'S THAT, JERRI?

66. LADY OF THE DANCE?

67. OH, I GET IT, THE THEME THIS YEAR MUST BE OPPOSITES!

68. THAT SHOULD BE FUN!

69. "YES" MEANS "NO", "UP" MEANS "DOWN", YOU'RE A "LADY".

70. NO, STEPMOTHER, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

71. BEING A LADY, I GET TO PICK THE THEME

72. AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT'S NOT GOING TO BE...

73. SACK WRANGLING.

74. SO YOU MIGHT WANNA PASS, DERRICK.

75. LET'S SEE, THEME... THEME...

76. THEME... THEME... THEME...

77. OH, C'MON GUYS!

78. IF YOU DON'T DO MY WORK FOR ME?

79. HOW ABOUT...

80. NOTHING.

81. ABOUT A SETTING.

82. GOOD FOR YOU, COPPERHEAD!

83. UHH... A CRACK HOUSE...

84. A BACK ALLEY...

85. A PRISON YARD... BACK OF A CAB!

86. DID I SAY PRISON YARD?

87. JERRI, HOW ABOUT SOMETHING NICER?

88. LIKE HOPE OR PURITY.

89. PURITY!

90. WHAT KIND OF PURITY?

91. PURITY OF LOVE!

92. MIND AND BODY.

93. RACIAL PURITY!

94. THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!

95. UH, BUT HOW ARE WE GONNA DECORATE?

96. WHAT'S PURER THAN WATER?

97. A SEWAGE FILTRATION PLANT.

98. FILTERS TO CLEAN WATER,

99. AND HOSES AND STUFF.

100. SOME OF THAT STUFF

101. THE LUNCHROOM

102. WITH HOSES AND STUFF!

103. GREAT IDEA, KIDS!

104. HEY, WE COULD HANG STREAMERS FROM THE CEILING!

105. THAT'S A LITTLE OLD-FASHIONED, MR. JELLINECK!

106.

107. IT'S NOT A COLD SORE!

108. ON A BISCUIT!

109. LIKE A COLD SORE.

110. HEY, JERRI, RIGHT?

111. DO I KNOW YOU?

112. ARE YOU A COP? I'M NOT A COP.

113. I'M PRETTY SURE WE HAD SEX IN THE BACK OF MY CAB.

114. OH, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

115. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

116. LOOK, MY NEW BOYFRIEND JARED

117. AND VERY JEALOUS.

118. IT'S PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA FOR YOU TO BE TALKING TO ME.

119. I'LL MAKE IT QUICK.

120. I'VE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH SYPHILIS,

121. SO THERE'S A PRETTY GOOD CHANCE YOU'VE GOT IT.

122. I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL PEOPLE OR SOMETHING.

123. THE OTHER GUYS WHO WERE THERE.

124. WELL, THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

125. I'M NOT SICK.

126. THE BURNING SENSATION AND THE DISCHARGE,

127. I FEEL FINE.

128. IF I WERE YOU, I'D GO GET MY PLUMBING CHECKED OUT.

129. POPULAR BOYFRIEND OF YOURS.

130. JARED!

131. HEY, AFTER WE GET THIS ALL CLEARED UP,

132. ANOTHER RIDE IN MY CAB?

133. ARE YOU LISTENING? I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

134. YES OR NO? YES.

135. DAMN!

136. CAB DRIVERS.

137. NUMBER SIXTEEN!

138. SYPHILIS!

139. OOH!

140. EASY THERE, YOUNG LADY!

141. LET'S KEEP OUR GENITALS IN A "STRICTLY BUSINESS" RELATIONSHIP.

142. I'M DOCTOR ZORDERS.

143. OH, HI, SORRY, I'M JUST A LITTLE NERVOUS

144. 'CAUSE I'VE DONE THIS SO MANY TIMES BEFORE.

145. THERE'S NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.

146. ALL I'M GONNA DO IS TAKE A LITTLE OF YOUR BLOOD

147. INTO A DOG

148. AND INJECT IT INTO A RABBIT.

149. WE'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

150. NOW, WHY DON'T YOU HOP UP HERE AND ROLL UP THAT SLEEVE.

151. YOU'VE SEEN THE BUSINESS END OF A NEEDLE BEFORE!

152. OH, YEAH...

153. UNTIL I KICKED IT.

154. HERE, I'LL HELP YOU FIND A VEIN.

155. HERE YOU GO.

156. OKEY-DOKE, NOW, WHILE I'M TESTING THIS,

157. WHY DON'T I SEND YOU TO THE MOVIES!

158. ALL KIDDING ASIDE, JERRI, IF YOU DO HAVE AN STD,

159. IT'S IMPORTANT YOU GET ALL THE INFORMATION THAT YOU CAN.

160. TO THIS MOVIE.

161. HERE, REX!

162. HELLO.

163. MAY BE GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING,

164. A FACT OF LIFE

165. DISEASES ARE A FACT OF LIFE.

166. IN OUR ARSENAL

167. IS PENICILLIN.

168.

169.

170. DID HE GET 'EM? NOPE.

171. HE NEVER DOES.

172. JERRI, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS...

173. YOU HAVE SYPHILIS. NO!

174. NOT ONLY THAT,

175. YOUR SYPHILIS

176. WITH CRABS,

177. ARE CARRYING GONORRHEA.

178. DON'T YOU USE CONDOMS?

179. LOOK, DOC, I GO ALL NATURAL,

180. THAT'S WHY MY PRICES ARE SO HIGH.

181. WELL, THAT'S PRETTY IRRESPONSIBLE,

182. BUT THANKS TO PENICILLIN, THERE'S NO NEED TO ACT RESPONSIBLY.

183. NATURE'S CONDOM.

184. NOW, WHY DON'T WE BEND OVER.

185. THAT'S WHAT GOT ME IN THIS "MUFF-UP".

186. SERIOUSLY, DROP YOUR DRAWERS!

187. WHOA!

188. SURE DID SOME SHODDY WORK.

189. OF THE GUY WHO HIT YOU?

190. SERIOUSLY, IT'S A MESS DOWN HERE.

191. AND JERRI,

192. IF YOU'RE ENGAGED IN A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP,

193. YOU HAVE SYPHILIS.

194. THAT STINGS!

195. TELL HIM I HAVE SYPHILIS, DON'T TELL HIM,

196. TELL HIM, DON'T TELL HIM...

197. TELL HIM—

198. MORE FLOWERS.

199. WAIT A MINUTE, MAYBE I DON'T NEED TO TELL HIM.

200. MAYBE I'M GETTIN' ALL WORKED UP FOR NOTHIN'.

201. HE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN HAVE IT.

202. HEY JERRI, SORRY I'M LATE.

203. JARED, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

204. GREAT!

205. HEY, I GOTTA GO POP IN THE BATHROOM,

206. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

207. HEY, A TINKLE OR A STINKIES?

208. NEITHER, I GOTTA GO CHECK SOMETHIN' OUT.

209. IT'S LIKE A WIENER ROAST DOWN THERE!

210. HEY, JARED.

211. HEY JERRI, HOW'RE THE PLANS FOR THE DANCE COMIN' ?

212. GETTIN' AT?

213. NOTHING.

214. YOU BROKE ME, I'VE GOT THE SYPHILIS!

215. I CAN'T KEEP A SECRET FROM YOU, TAMMALA.

216. OH MY GOD! DID YOU TELL JARED?

217. I CAN'T, IF I TELL HIM, HE'LL DROP ME,

218. AND WHAT ABOUT THE DANCE? WE'RE THE LORDS AND THE LADIES!

219. JERRI, YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM!

220. IF HE HAS IT AND HE DOESN'T GET IT TREATED RIGHT AWAY,

221. IT WILL ROT HIS BRAIN!

222. I CAN'T SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO YOUR SPOOK STORIES,

223. MIGHT CONVINCE ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

224. AND BLOATING.

225. NOW, CAN ANYONE TELL ME HOW ELLIOT NESS

226. AL CAPONE?

227. UH, CASPER?

228. TAX EVASION?

229. WELL, THAT'S A COMMON MISPERCEPTION.

230. ACTUALLY, WHAT NESS DID WAS,

231. AS A CALL GIRL

232. WITH SYPHILIS,

233. EVENTUALLY KILLING HIM.

234. DIE OF SYPHILIS?

235. OH, ABSOLUTELY.

236. HISTORICALLY, SYPHILIS IS RIGHT UP THERE WITH GERMANS.

237. THE ROMANOVS,

238. AT PEARL HARBOR,

239. AND OF COURSE, FIDEL CASTRO IMPERSONATED MARILYN MONROE

240. A CASE OF SYPHILIS SO SEVERE

241. THE BACK OF HIS HEAD OFF.

242. OH, THAT'S PLEASANT, OKAY!

243. MARK DAVID CHAPMAN GAVE JOHN LENNON SYPHILIS?

244. ANYBODY? ANYBODY?

245. ANYBODY?

246. ANYBODY?

247. MR. JELLINECK, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

248. SURE, JERRI.

249. FIRE THIS IN THE OLD KILN,

250. OF THE LOST CITY OF POMPEII.

251. HOW WAS POMPEII LOST?

252. NO ONE KNOWS.

253. TONS OF LAVA

254. WHICH, OF COURSE, DESTROYED ALL THE RECORDS.

255. WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, JERRI?

256. WELL I...

257. WITH YOUR FACE?

258. A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

259. LIKE A COLD SORE.

260. WHAT DO YOU WANT, JERRI?

261. WELL, LET'S JUST SAY THAT SOMEONE,

262. AND I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS ME,

263. GAVE SOMEBODY ELSE, WHO I'M NOT SAYING IS JARED,

264. OF SOMETHING,

265. THAT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IS SYPHILIS.

266. NOT TELL THAT PERSON

267. IT MIGHT UPSET THEM?

268. HMM, THAT'S A HARD ONE.

269. ALL I CAN SAY IS, JERRI, RECENTLY SOMEBODY GAVE ME A LITTLE GIFT

270. THAT I DIDN'T REALLY WANT,

271. AND I CAN'T RETURN IT, NOT EVEN FOR STORE CREDIT,

272. WON'T OWN UP,

273. I THINK THAT'S PRETTY WRONG.

274. TALKIN' ABOUT YOUR COLD SORE?

275. NO, I AM NOT.

276. WHAT I NEED TO DO.

277. THANKS... NICE COLD SORE.

278. STUPID.

279. GEOFFREY, READY FOR LUNCH?

280. Attention hungry students,

281. today's lunch menu will include

282. crab salad...

283. JARED!

284. FOR A SECOND?

285. OF COURSE, JERRI, WHAT'S UP?

286. FOR YOU, RIGHT?

287. I CARE FOR YOU TOO, JERRI.

288. ANYTHING TO HURT YOU, BUT...

289. BUT WHAT?

290. LOOK, THERE'S THIS DOCTOR,

291. TO HURT YOU,

292. BUT I WON'T LET HIM MAKE ME, YA UNDERSTAND?

293. NO, BUT IT'S KINDA HARD FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE, BECAUSE MY...

294. BALLS?

295. RIGHT, ANYWAY, THEY FEEL LIKE A COUPLE OF ROASTED CHESTNUTS.

296. WELL... I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT WOULD BE.

297. LOOK, I, UH, I GOTTA GO.

298. WHERE?

299. IN HERE!

300. CARROT COINS, PICKLE SPEARS,

301. ATOMIC HOT WINGS, AND DOLLAR DRAFTS.

302. ENJOY YOUR LUNCH, THAT IS ALL.

303. WHAT DO YOU WANT, BLANK? I'M HIDING.

304. WELL, DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE, THIS IS MY "HIDEY HOLE".

305. PRINCIPAL BLACKMAN, I HAVE TO CONFESS SOMETHING.

306. I HAVE AN STDs.

307. THERE'S A SHOCKER!

308. ANYWAY,

309. I THINK I MIGHT'VE INFECTED MY BOYFRIEND JARED WITH SYPHILIS

310. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM.

311. HMM.

312. I'M NOT SURE I HEARD YOU CORRECTLY.

313. JUST SAID, BLANK.

314. I SAID THAT I—

315. WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

316. I'm Jerri Blank, I have syphilis

317. and I've given it to my boyfriend Jared...

318. HA HA! HA HA! HA HA!

319. BUT I'M AFRAID TO TELL HIM.

320. THERE, NOW YOU'VE TOLD HIM, GET OUT!

321. NO!

322.

323. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GAVE ME SYPHILIS!

324. I DIDN'T GET IT FROM YOU?

325. IT WAS MY FIRST TIME!

326. YOU LIED TO ME, YOU SAID IT WAS YOUR FIRST TIME!

327. IT WAS MY FIRST TIME...

328. WITH YOU.

329. HOW DID YOU GET IT?

330. OH, IT WAS NOTHING, BABIES!

331. ACCIDENTAL SEX WITH SOME GUYS IN THE BACK SEAT OF A CAB.

332. TO ANYBODY!

333. I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN!

334. WHAT ABOUT THE DANCE?

335. PLAN IT WITHOUT ME!

336. I CAN'T PLAN THE DANCE WITHOUT YOU.

337. YOU'VE GOT ALL THE HOSES AND STUFF!

338. OH LORDY, DON'T LEAVE YOUR LADY IN A LURCH!

339. JARED!

340. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?

341. THERE YOU ARE!

342. WAS GONNA SHOW UP.

343. JERRI, WE CAME TO TELL YOU

344. WE'RE THINKING ABOUT QUITTING THE DANCE.

345. WHAT?

346. WHAT'S THE POINT, JERRI?

347. HIS HOSES AND STUFF.

348. AND BESIDES, NOBODY'S GONNA WANNA COME NOW THAT WE HAVE NO HOSES AND STUFF.

349. I'M SO NOT JAZZED.

350. COME BACK!

351. JERRI, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE DANCE?

352. I'VE GOT THE STDs AND EVERYBODY KNOWS.

353. JERRI, THAT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT,

354. UNLESS YOU'RE EMBARRASSED ABOUT HAVING EVERYBODY KNOW

355. YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING SO SHAMEFUL.

356. I GUESS THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A DANCE.

357. OH, YES THERE IS, JERRI, EVEN IF I HAVE TO BE BOTH LORD AND LADY!

358. I'M NOT GONNA LET YOUR DIRTY LITTLE ACTIVITIES DESTROY MY DANCE!

359. DISGRACE.

360. SO, JERRI, HOW'S IT GOING AT SCHOOL?

361. TERRIBLE! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I HAVE THE SYPHILIS

362. BROKE UP WITH ME.

363. I'M SO ASHAMED.

364. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

365. THE CARTOON AGAIN?

366. CAN'T YOU JUST WRITE A NOTE THAT SAYS

367. AND THAT I NEVER HAD IT?

368. SURE, I CAN WRITE YOU A NOTE THAT SAYS...

369. "JERRI

370. NEVER HAD

371. AN S-T-D.

372. DR. ZORDERS."

373. TO YOUR FRIENDS

374. AND SHOW THEM,

375. FOR MISJUDGING YOU.

376. BOYFRIEND BACK,

377. TO THE DANCE,

378. THAN IT WAS BEFORE!

379. BUT YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT. I DON'T?

380. NO, JERRI, YOU DON'T WANT THE EASY ROAD.

381. YOU WANT THE HARD ROAD

382. WHERE YOU'LL LEARN DIFFICULT YET VALUABLE LESSONS.

383. NO, I'M PRETTY SURE I WANT THE EASY ROAD.

384. NO, JERRI, YOU WANT THE HARD ROAD,

385. TO BE A DISEASE CARRIER

386. AND ONE OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS, I MIGHT ADD.

387. NOW, IN TERMS OF VIRAL CONTAGION,

388. YOU'RE OFF THE CHART!

389. WOW, I MUST BE PRETTY SPECIAL!

390. YOU'RE ONE IN A MILLION.

391. ONE IN A MILLION?

392. HERE FEELING—

393. FEELING ASHAMED!

394. I'M OFF THE CHARTS!

395. NO, JERRI, YOU'RE NOT HEARING WHAT I'M SAYING.

396. OH, THAT'S OKAY, DOC, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT SAYING WHAT I'M HEARING.

397. I GOTTA GO, I GOT A DANCE TO PLAN!

398. ALL RIGHTY, THERE'S NO NEED TO PANIC.

399. I'M GONNA LEAD US THROUGH THIS.

400. TAMMY, WHAT'VE WE GOT?

401. WELL, WE HAVE NO THEME AND NOBODY'S COMING.

402.

403. I CAN'T DO THIS!

404. THE DANCE IS TONIGHT!

405. WHY WOULD YOU FOLLOW ME, I DON'T EVEN HAVE A SPINE!

406. I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!

407. I FEEL NO SHAME, ONLY PRIDE

408. IS A BADGE OF HONOR.

409. IT SAYS THAT I'M NOT AFRAID TO LIVE!

410. THAT I'M NOT AFRAID TO TAKE CHANCES.

411. OH, IT MAY BE SOME HORRIBLE DISEASE

412. CAN LEAD TO BLINDNESS,

413. AND EVEN DEATH,

414. BUT IT'S THE ONLY ONE I'VE GOT!

415. THE HOST TO THIS DANCE

416. AND THE HOST OF MY VIRUS.

417. CONDOMS ARE FOR COWARDS! WHO'S WITH ME?

418. I ARE, JERRI, ALL OF I ARE!

419. DON'T HAVE A THEME.

420. OH, I GOT YOUR THEME RIGHT HERE, PUMP 'N CURLS!

421. LET'S GO DECORATE A LUNCH ROOM!

422. NICE SORE!

423. YES, THEY ARE.

424. HEY JERRI!

425. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS TURNOUT!

426. YEAH, THE KIDS HAVE REALLY COME TO RESPECT MY DISEASE

427. NOW THAT I'VE EMBRACED IT.

428. HEH-HEH, I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T CATCH IT BEFORE.

429. I'M JUST SORRY JARED DIDN'T SHOW UP.

430. YEAH, THAT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE.

431. JARED!

432. YOU MADE IT!

433. DO YOU FORGIVE ME?

434.

435. OOH, DID I EVER GET AROUND TO MENTIONING TO YOU

436. THAT SHOT OF PENICILLIN

437. I SLAPPED ON YOU?

438. NEVER MIND, LET'S DANCE!

439. C'MON!

440. Captioning made possible by COMEDY CENTRAL ♪ YEAH YEAH ♪

441. Captioned by Soundwriters™ ♪ YEAH YEAH ♪

442. I'M SO JAZZED!