1. Are you ready, kids?
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2. Aye, aye, Captain!
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3. I can't hear you.
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4. Aye, aye, Captain!
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5. Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
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6. and NICKELODEON
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7. Ah, Goo Lagoon, a luxurious
oasis of sand and sea.
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8. Shoot, SpongeBob,
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9. how can we
go swimming
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10. when you're
in a shirt & tie?
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11. Ah, yes, how foolish of me.
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12. Allow me to remedy
said situation right now.
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13. I will just use
this changing tent here
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14. to change into my bathing suit.
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15. And I won't do anything else.
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16. SpongeBob's acting jumpier
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17. than a rattlesnake
in a pickle barrel.
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18. Wait... what?
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19. Oh, I'll be changing all right,
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20. but not into a bathing suit.
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21. Wait until Sandy sees
that I brought my karate gear!
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22. Hi-yah!
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23. Hi... yah!
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24. Sandy won't beat me this time,
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25. because I've got the element
on my side.
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26. The element of surprise.
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27. Hi-yah!
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28. SpongeBob,
are you ready?
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29. Yes, Sandy,
I most certainly am ready!
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30. Ready to get it on.
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31. Hi...
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32. Hi-yah!
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33. Look, SpongeBob,
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34. we both brought our karate gear.
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35. Great minds
think alike, I suppose.
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36. Hi-yah!
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37. I may be down, but I'm not out!
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38. Way to go, buddy.
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39. It took us
three days
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40. to make that
potato salad.
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41. Three days!
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42. Hi-yah!
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43. Sandy?
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44. Oh, I'm Sandy all right...
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45. I'm very sandy.
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46. Hi-yah!
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47. Oh, I get it.
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48. She's "Sandy."
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49. That's her name and she's
also covered in... yes.
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50. Back in Texas,
we call ice cream
"frozen cow juice."
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51. Excuse me for a sec.
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52. Hi... yah!
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53. Thank you.
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54. No, no, thank you.
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55. Hi-yah!
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56. Who threw that
piece of paper at me?
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57. Hey, what's
everyone
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58. waiting
in line for?
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59. Ahoy, fair lass, it be the line
to get into the Salty Spitoon,
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60. the roughest,
toughest,
sailor club
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61. ever to be built
under the seven seas.
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62. Only the baddest of the bad
can get in.
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63. You need to have muscles.
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64. You need to have muscles
on your muscles.
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65. You need to have muscles
on your eyeballs.
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66. Ew.
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67. Looks like a rip-snortin'
good time, SpongeBob.
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68. Yeah, let's go in.
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69. Go ahead.
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70. Welcome to
the Salty Spitoon.
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71. How tough are ya?
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72. How tough am I?
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73. How tough am I?
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74. I had a bowl of nails
for breakfast this morning.
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75. Yeah, so?
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76. Without any milk.
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77. Uh, right this way.
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78. Sorry to keep
you waiting.
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79. Welcome to
the Salty Spitoon.
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80. How tough are ya?
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81. How tough am I?
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82. Wow.
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83. Got any more
tattoos?
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84. Uh, that won't
be necessary.
Go ahead.
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85. Thanks!
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86. See ya inside,
SpongeBob.
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87. How tough are ya?
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88. How tough am I?
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89. You got a new bottle
of ketchup?
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90. Sure.
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91. It's on!
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92. If I could just run this
under some hot water...
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93. Get outta here.
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94. This place is too tough
for you, little man.
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95. Too tough for me?
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96. That's downright ridiculous.
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97. I'll have you know
I stubbed my toe last week
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98. while watering my spice garden
and I only cried for 20 minutes.
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99. Listen, kid, I think
you'd be more comfortable
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100. over at that place.
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101. Weenie Hut Jr.'s?
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102. Are you saying I belong
at Weenie Hut Jr.'s?
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103. Oh, no, sorry.
I was actually
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104. pointing to the place
next to it.
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105. Super Weenie Hut Jr.'s?
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106. Yeah.
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107. Unless you think you're
tough enough to fight me.
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108. How's your collection
coming along?
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109. Well I don't
mean to brag,
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110. but it's
pretty sweet.
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111. I'm in the process
of acquiring issue 347
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112. which will give me
my fourth set.
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113. No!
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114. What weenies.
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115. Oh, brother.
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116. Would you care
for another diet cola
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117. with a lemon twist,
Weenie?
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118. What?
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119. But I'm not a weenie!
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120. I'm sorry, sir,
but my sensors indicate
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121. that you are
indeed a weenie.
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122. That's impossible!
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123. You can't hide
what's inside.
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124. I demand entrance
into your club
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125. on the grounds
that I am nota weenie!
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126. Hey, Reg,
how's it going?
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127. You were saying?
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128. Go ahead, buddy.
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129. Thanks, Reg.
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130. So, your name's Reg?
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131. Would you get outta here?
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132. Mark my words, Reg!
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133. I will get into
the Salty Spitoon!
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134. I will!
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135. Couldn't
get in, huh?
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136. What you need is
a tough hairdo.
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137. No one gets
into the double-S
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138. without a tough
hairdo.
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139. I disagree—
I saw a guy
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140. going in there
and he was bald.
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141. I saw that guy.
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142. He wasn't bald,
he had a shaved head.
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143. Shaved—
that's a hairdo.
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144. Case closed.
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145. Hey, where'd he go?
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146. I believe
he said something
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147. about going to
the wig store.
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148. Ha-ha!
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149. Check and mate!
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150. What's shaking,
my man?
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151. Not much.
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152. Say, haven't I seen you before?
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153. Doubt it— I'm a drifter—
just blew into town.
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154. Heard your club
was pretty tough.
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155. Thought I'd check it out.
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156. Nice try, kid.
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157. I know it's you.
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158. What are you
talking about?
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159. Aha!
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160. Hey everybody,
what's going on?
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161. Ah, you can go in.
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162. Sorry about that.
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163. And what do youwant?
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164. I'd like to gain entrance
to your club, please.
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165. I believe my hairdo is in order.
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166. So where do you stand
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167. on the whole
bald vs. shaved debate?
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168. Hey-ya, Reg.
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169. All right,
now it's a party.
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170. Oh, yeah, check out
the new ink.
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171. Thanks.
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172. Hey, look what I can make it do.
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173. Yeah!
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174. Hey, what about
that one?
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175. Huh, you know, I don't
remember getting this one.
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176. Can you make it
dance?
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177. Oh, here, let me try.
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178. Hot-cha, cha-cha,
hot-cha, cha-cha.
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179. Cha-ditty-
cha-ditty-cha!
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180. Hmm, wait a minute.
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181. Go ahead in.
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182. Yeah, sure, Reg.
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183. Thanks.
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184. Nice try, little man.
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185. Hey, I was in front of you!
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186. No, you weren't!
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187. Are you callin' me a liar?
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188. I ain't callin' you
for dinner!
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189. Hold it, you two—
that's enough.
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190. You're both
plenty tough.
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191. Go ahead in.
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192. All right.
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193. Thanks, Reg.
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194. Hey, what about me?
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195. I was in that scrap.
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196. I saw you running.
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197. When you get
in a real fight,
then we'll talk.
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198. Well then, I guess it's time
to take it up a notch.
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199. Care for another
sundae, weenie?
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200. I am not a weenie!
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201. Relax, you're
among friends.
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202. My friends don't hang out
at Weenie Hut Jr.'s.
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203. You tell 'em,
SpongeBob.
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204. Patrick, what are
you doing here?
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205. I'm always here on
Double-Weenie Wednesday.
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206. Actually,
they moved
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207. Double-Weenie
Wednesday
to Friday.
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208. Besides,
today's
Monday.
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209. Oh, so it's
Mega-Weenie Monday?
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210. That's now
on Sunday.
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211. Barnacles!
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212. Super Weenie
Hut Jr.'s
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213. has a Mega-
Weenie
Monday.
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214. No, you're
thinking
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215. of Monster-
Weenie Monday.
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216. I don't have time for this!
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217. I've gotta go pick a fight
with a muscular stranger.
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218. It's the only way of getting
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219. into the Salty Spitoon.
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220. No, SpongeBob,
you can't.
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221. It's too dangerous.
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222. I've got no choice.
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223. I have a suggestion.
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224. Why not fake a fight?
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225. Hey, that's not
a bad idea!
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226. You can call me
a couple of bad names,
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227. we rumble,
next thing you know
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228. you're in
the Salty Spitoon.
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229. Well, I guess I've
got nothing to lose.
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230. Let's do it!
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231. Yeah!
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232. Hey, how come
you never
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233. help us with
our problems?
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234. I am a robot,
not a miracle worker.
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235. Afternoon, Reg.
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236. Whoa, whoa, little man.
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237. You still can't go in.
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238. Well, that makes me
pretty mad.
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239. Oh, yeah?
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240. Yeah.
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241. I might have to beat someone up
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242. just to get rid
of all this blind fury.
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243. Wow.
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244. I feel pretty sorry for the
next guy who looks at me funny.
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245. Hmm... what about
that guy?
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246. I...
don't be silly,
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247. he's not bothering
anybody.
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248. I mean, not like...
that guy!
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249. Who, me?
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250. Yeah, you.
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251. Standing there all
smiling and whatnot.
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252. Somebody ought to teach
you some manners.
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253. Okay, but I must
warn you.
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254. I happen to be a world
championship... uh...
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255. "kick... box... er."
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256. I don't care if you're
the demon seed
of Davey Jones!
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257. You're going down, Tubby!
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258. Tubby?
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259. Nobody calls me Tubby!
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260. Wait, Patrick.
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261. You're supposed to
let mewin, remember?
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262. Oh, yeah.
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263. No, please wait!
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264. No, please, have mercy.
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265. Wow!
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266. You destroyed
that guy
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267. without even
touching him!
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268. I did?
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269. I never thought
I'd say this,
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270. but...
go ahead in.
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271. Really?
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272. I can go in?
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273. Oh, my gosh, I never thought
this moment would come!
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274. I, SpongeBob SquarePants,
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275. am tough enough to get
into the Salty Spitoon!
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276. This is the happiest day
of my life!
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277. Sandy?
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278. What happened?
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279. You ran inside and
slipped on an ice cube.
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280. What happened?
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281. I slipped on an ice cube
and got covered in boo-boos.
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282. Boo-boos, eh?
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283. I think you guys
want thathospital.
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284. Weenie Hut General?
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285. Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four,
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286. three, two, one.
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287. I'm done with my shift,
Mr. Krabs!
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288. And let me just say,
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289. there will come a day when I
will make something of my life
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290. and I will never have to set
foot in this grease trap again!
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291. Yeah, we'll see you
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292. after your lunch break,
Squidward.
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293. Okay.
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294. So I just took
my private yacht
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295. across my private lake
to my private heliport.
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296. It's the only way
off my private island.
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297. Oh, shrimp!
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298. It's my arch rival from high
school, Squilliam Fancyson!
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299. I can't let him see me
in my Krusty Krab uniform.
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300. On your lunch break,
eh, Squiddy?
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301. Yes... I mean no...
I mean... uh, uh...
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302. Hey, whatcha
been up to?
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303. Oh, just succeeding in
everything you've failed in.
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304. You are no great shakes,
Squilliam Fancyson!
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305. Anyone can be a big shot in
a hick town like Bikini Bottom.
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306. Oh, is that so?
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307. Let's hear what you've
accomplished
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308. since high school, Squiddy.
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309. Don't be intimidated,
Squidward.
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310. Try to imagine him
in his underwear.
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311. Oh, no, he's hot!
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312. I'm, uh, in... food service.
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313. Hold it,
don't tell me—
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314. you're a cashier!
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315. Don't lie.
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316. Lying always makes it worse.
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317. I own a five-star restaurant!
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318. Squidward, I had no idea
you were such a success.
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319. That's right!
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320. And I would be honored
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321. if you would allow me
to come to yourrestaurant...
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322. tonight.
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323. T-t-t-t-t-t-tonight?
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324. In fact, we'll all come.
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325. My treat!
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326. Please, Mr. Krabs,
you got to help me!
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327. When they get here
tonight
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328. they'll see I'm just
a big phony and a loser!
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329. Oh, boo-hoo!
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330. Let me play a sad song for you
on the world's smallest violin.
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331. This is serious.
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332. I know—
this really is
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333. the world's
smallest violin.
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334. See?
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335. Mr. Krabs!
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336. Please let me run
the restaurant
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337. for just one night!
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338. I really need
to impress Squilliam.
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339. Sq-Sq-Sq-Squilliam?
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340. That guy who
made millions
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341. doing what you
wish you could do?
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342. Don't rub it in.
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343. Why didn't you
tell me?
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344. We'll take him
to the cleaners!
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345. All right,
listen up!
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346. Men, Squilliam Fancyson
will be here in 20 minutes.
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347. Therefore, we need
to turn the Krusty Krab
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348. into a fancy restaurant
as soon as possible!
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349. Patrick, what are you
doing here?
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350. I thought the Corps
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351. would straighten out
my life, sir!
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352. The Corps?
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353. What the...?
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354. Patrick this isn't the...
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355. Beggars can't
be choosers.
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356. Can you take hats
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357. in a dignified and
sophisticated manner?
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358. You mean like
a weenie?
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359. Okay!
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360. May I take
your hat, sir?
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361. May I take
your hat, sir?
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362. May I...
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363. All right,
I've heard enough.
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364. You've got the job.
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365. Mr. Krabs, didn't you once
serve on the S.S. Gourmet?
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366. Aye-aye!
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367. Then you'll be
our chef.
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368. What can I do?
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369. I can't believe
I'm saying this,
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370. but, SpongeBob, you're going
to have to be the waiter.
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371. What's that?
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372. It's the guy who goes
to tables and takes orders.
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373. Do other restaurants
do that?
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374. Yes, they do that!
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375. Now listen,
Squilliam is on his way
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376. and you have
less than 20 minutes
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377. to become
a fancy waiter,
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378. so read this.
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379. " How To Become a Fancy Waiter
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380. in Less Than 20 Minutes."
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381. Don't worry,
Squidward,
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382. I'll memorize
every page—
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383. right down to
the punctuation!
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384. All right, I've got
all the positions filled.
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385. I just might pull this off.
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386. Give me that hat!
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387. I said give it to me!
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388. Are you going to
hand it over or not?
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389. Don't you back-sass me!
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390. He's just the hat-check guy,
nothing essential!
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391. What happened?
What is it?
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392. Peas!
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393. Made 'em the
old-fashioned way.
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394. Mr. Krabs, you got
to take them out of the...
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395. Holy fish paste, what is that?
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396. That's the appetizer!
Copy !req
397. But, I thought you said
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398. you were the head chef
on the S.S. Gourmet?
Copy !req
399. Did I say that?
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400. No, I cleaned
the bathrooms
on the Gourmet.
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401. I was the head chef
on the S.S. Diarrhea.
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402. There you are!
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403. SpongeBob, you got to help me!
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404. Patrick and Mr. Krabs
aren't working out
Copy !req
405. and Squilliam's
almost here,
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406. and, and... SpongeBob?
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407. I can't do it.
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408. I can't do it, Squidward.
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409. What?
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410. Every sentence,
every paragraph—
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411. Spoons! Bread! Salad! Pepper!
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412. Don't you understand?
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413. My brain is full to bursting!
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414. If I have to memorize
a single order,
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415. I think I'm going
to explode!
Copy !req
416. SpongeBob, hold on!
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417. Let's just take a second here
to relax.
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418. Little more...
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419. Little more...
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420. Good.
Copy !req
421. Now... I want you
to empty your mind.
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422. Empty my mind?
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423. Empty your mind.
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424. Empty my mind.
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425. Empty your mind of everything
Copy !req
426. that doesn't have to do
with fine dining.
Copy !req
427. Fine dining
and breathing...
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428. Just got an order
from the boss:
Copy !req
429. dump everything that
isn't about fine dining!
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430. Everything?
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431. Everything.
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432. Come on, come on!
Copy !req
433. Quicker, quicker!
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434. Start dumping,
start dumping.
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435. Come on, let's get moving!
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436. Hurry up!
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437. What am I paying you for?
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438. You don't pay me.
Copy !req
439. We don't even exist.
Copy !req
440. We're just a clever
visual metaphor
Copy !req
441. used to personify
the abstract concept
of thought.
Copy !req
442. One more crack like that
and you're out of here!
Copy !req
443. No, please!
Copy !req
444. I have three kids!
Copy !req
445. How do you feel?
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446. SpongeBob?
Copy !req
447. This isn't working!
Copy !req
448. I gotta go tell Squilliam
I need more time!
Copy !req
449. I'll just go and tell him...
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450. You're here!
Copy !req
451. Hello, Squiddy!
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452. We're all ready
to be dazzled
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453. by your five-star
restaurant.
Copy !req
454. Wait, Squilliam!
Copy !req
455. I've got to explain!
Copy !req
456. Explain what?
Copy !req
457. That you,
Squidward Tentacles,
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458. voted most likely
to suck eggs
n high school,
Copy !req
459. are trying to pass off
a lousy burger stand
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460. as a five-star...
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461. restaurant?
Copy !req
462. Hommina, hommina,
hommina, hommina...
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463. Hommina, hommina, hommina...
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464. Hommina, hommina, hommina,
hommina, hommina...
Copy !req
465. Table for Hommina?
Copy !req
466. I can seat you
immediately.
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467. How did you do all this?
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468. It was easy— once
I cleared my mind.
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469. But what about
Krabs and Patrick?
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470. Taken care of.
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471. Right this way,
please.
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472. Good evening, sir.
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473. From our menu tonight,
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474. might I recommend
the Krabby Newburg?
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475. We take the finest cuts
of aged, imported kelp,
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476. stuff them with herbs
from our garden,
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477. wrap them in parchment
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478. with our
shallot tapenade,
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479. roast them for hours
in our wood-fired oven,
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480. and serve them
with wilted coral
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481. on a mahogany plank.
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482. Mmm... this is
fantastic!
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483. Thank you, sir.
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484. Pinch me, I must be dreaming.
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485. If you need
anything else,
just call.
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486. SpongeBob, I can't
thank you enough
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487. for all
you're doing!
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488. Fine dining and breathing
are all I know how to do.
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489. It worked.
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490. I can't believe it!
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491. Squilliam thinks I own
a five-star restaurant.
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492. Time to rub it in his face.
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493. Well, Squilliam,
I'm waiting.
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494. All right, I admit it.
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495. Everything is fabulous!
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496. The food, the atmosphere—
everything's flawless!
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497. In that case,
I need you to read this.
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498. "Squidward Tentacles..."
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499. And I need you
to wear this.
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500. Oh, eh, "Squidward Tentacles
has the fanciest..."
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501. I'm sorry,
one more time.
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502. "Squidward Tentacles has
the fanciest restaurant
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503. in Bikini Bottom...
and he does not suck eggs."
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504. Squidward,
I must tell you...
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505. Thank you.
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506. What really won me over
was your brilliant waiter.
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507. It's as if
all he knows
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508. is fine dining
and breathing.
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509. I must know
your name.
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510. My name?
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511. Yes, your name,
son.
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512. Uh, Beef Wellington?
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513. No, your name.
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514. Uh... er...
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515. The fork on the left?
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516. Stop joking.
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517. Tell him
our name.
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518. My name...
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519. What's his name?
What's his name?
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520. I got nothing on a name!
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521. Come on baby, what's the name?
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522. We threw out his name!
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523. Uh...
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524. I am so
very sorry!
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525. I don't know what
has gotten into that...
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526. More soup for
your armpits?
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527. Please enjoy
the food!
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528. Would you like some cheese
on that, sir?
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529. Ow, ow, ow, ow!
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530. No, no!
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531. Run for your lives, everyone,
it's the appetizer!
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532. Well, Squiddy,
I'm waiting.
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533. Okay, I admit it!
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534. I'm a fraud!
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535. This was all a futile,
pathetic attempt
to impress you.
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536. This isn't really
my restaurant!
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537. I'm just a cashier!
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538. Squidward, I understand.
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539. I have a confession
to make myself.
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540. I made everything up
about my life.
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541. I have no yachts,
jets or anything.
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542. I was only trying
to impress you.
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543. The horrible, sad truth is
I'm a cashier, too!
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544. Is that true?
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545. Of course not!
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546. I'm filthy,
stinking rich!
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547. Come on, everyone!
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548. Let's all take a ride
in my balloon/casino.
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549. Hooray!
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550. I got such
a headache.
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551. What's going on
with you?
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552. Oh, the usual.
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553. Would you get out of here!
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554. and NICKELODEON]
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