1. 'I don't know, all she seems
to talk about is this bloody dog.'
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2. It's like "Ooh, Colin did this!"
and "Ooh, Colin that!"
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3. I should talk to her, but she's been
really happy since Colin arrived.
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4. She'd had some articles rejected,
split up with her boyfriend,
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5. .. her hair always looks stupid.
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6. Then Colin arrives on the scene
and she's writing again,
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7. .. and her hair looks good.
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8. I know how you feel about dogs
and how you feel about Daisy.
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9. Sometimes with friends,
sacrifices have to be made.
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10. Are you saying we kill the dog?
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11. No.
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12. Spoilsport.
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13. Count to a hundred?
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14. All right.
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15. 'I used to know this guy, Minty.'
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16. 'He had a dog he'd trained
to attack rich people.'
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17. 'He was into the class-war thing.'
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18. 'Called the dog Gramsci,
after an Italian Marxist.'
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19. 'Rumour has it, it could
smell wealth from up to 20 feet.'
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20. 'But it all backfired. Minty won
100 grand on a scratchcard.'
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21. 'And Gramsci bit his knees off.'
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22. That's terrible.
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23. Not really.
He used the money to buy new knees.
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24. So what happened to Gramsci?
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25. Well, no-one knows.
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26. Although some people still believe
he roams wild on Hampstead Heath.
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27. Hiya!
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28. Is that it?
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29. It's not what it is,
it's what it will be.
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30. A cold-blooded killer.
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31. It's a fact, sure as day follows
night, sure as all odd-numbered
Star Trek movies are shit.
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32. I'm going shopping,
do you want anything?
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33. A crossbow.
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34. Also, if Richard calls,
tell him I'm out with Colin.
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35. We'll make him pay, won't we?
We'll make them all pay.
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36. Who's Richard?
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37. Ex-boyfriend.
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38. Your ex-boyfriend?
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39. No, Daisy's ex-boyfriend.
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40. My ex-boyfriend.
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41. Oh, sorry, what happened?
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42. Well, I mean,
I was upset but I'm not anymore.
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43. In the end, our relationship
was just like a sandwich toaster.
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44. You forget you have one, and it just
sits there covered in greasy fudge.
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45. If you do see it, you assume it's
broken because you don't use it.
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46. Then one day you get an overwhelming
desire for toasted sandwiches.
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47. And you get it down, and it works,
and you can't believe it.
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48. You have toasted-sandwich parties.
Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...
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49. Pilchards.
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50. .. banana and...
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51. Acorns.
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52. .. acorns, and then...
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53. ..as quickly the desire comes,
it just goes.
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54. Then you put the sandwich maker away
and... You know what?
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55. What?
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56. You don't miss it.
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57. What you're saying is, don't hide
your sandwich toaster away,
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58. .. use him regularly
and you'll get the most out of him?
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59. No, chuck your boyfriend,
have a sandwich.
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60. I've got to go cos I'm meeting Twist
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61. Don't you love my hair?
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62. How can you not like him?
He's so cute.
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63. Ahhh!
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64. That's how it starts - oohs and ahhs,
but then there's barking and biting.
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65. He's a ticking timebomb of death.
You spend years of your life
doting on his little furry head,
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66. .. then one day
you get back from aerobics...
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67. and there's the remains of a handyman
you left fixing the tumble dryer.
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68. We don't have a tumble dryer.
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69. You will, my friend.
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70. You will.
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71. Look, Tim, I know
that I've been... insensitive,
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72. .. and I know you're riddled with
deep-seated psychological disorders,
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73. Thank you.
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74. .. but Colin lives here
and I'd like us all to live happily.
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75. Your mum remarried, didn't she?
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76. What's that got to do with it?
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77. Well,
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78. you know what it feels like
to be a stepchild,
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79. ..to be resented by a patriarch.
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80. My stepdad was a nice guy.
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81. TIM!
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82. All right, I'll give it a try.
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83. Thanks, Tim.
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84. So, what are you doing tonight?
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85. Brian's coming up.
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86. To see you?
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87. I went to a gallery, so he's coming
to see the Star Wars Trilogy.
It's a cultural exchange thin
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