South Park 5x5

1. And so, in her career filled with lies, back-stabbing

2. and whoring herself for money,

3. she learned that the price of fame can be

4. pleasing 65 men at once in a dark, dirty alley.

5. And so ends Punky Brewster: Behind the Blow.

6. Whoa, bummer, dude.

7. Okay, dude, it's 3:30.

8. It's time for The Terrance and Phillip Show.

9. Yay!

10. Excuse me, buddy.

11. Why, did you fart?

12. Oh no!

13. Oh, man, this is another rerun.

14. Are you sure? I haven't seen it.

15. Yeah, fatass, this is their famous mechanic sketch.

16. I'm looking for a mechanic.

17. Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage?

18. Sure, buddy, all you need to do is go down to the—

19. and that's how you—

20. "get to the auto garage."

21. Could you tell me

22. how to get to the auto garage without farting?

23. Sure, you go the same way—

24. "except stick your finger up your ass."

25. No, no, no.

26. I mean could you tell me the directions again

27. without you farting?

28. Oh, sure.

29. Just stick your finger up my ass.

30. Alright, no problem, buddy.

31. Now tell me how do I get to the auto garage to see a mechanic?

32. You're at the auto garage. I am the mechanic.

33. Why the heck didn't you tell me you were the mechanic?

34. "Because I had an itch up my ass."

35. Because I had an itch up my ass.

36. Terrance and Phillip will be right back...

37. after these messages.

38. When are they gonna make new ones?

39. Hey, kids, don't miss the greatest event of the year.

40. This Thursday night at the Denver Coliseum,

41. see Terrance and Phillip live and in person.

42. What's this?

43. One night and one night only,

44. see all your favorite Terrance and Phillip bits live.

45. Oh my God!

46. You guys, you guys!

47. I know, I know.

48. To order tickets, call Ticket Slave now!

49. Write the number down! Write the number down!

50. Dude, did you get 'em?

51. I got 'em.

52. Four tickets, 68th row to Terrance and Phillip.

53. I waited in line since 3:00 this morning.

54. Awesome, give me mine.

55. Wow, you guys are gonna see Terrance and Phillip live?

56. Yup, tomorrow night.

57. Alright, children, let's settle down.

58. As you know, this coming Friday is Earth Day,

59. and I'm pleased to announce

60. that the national Earth Day organization

61. has chosen South Park as its location

62. for the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival.

63. Oh!

64. The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing Organization

65. are here to tell you all about it.

66. Hello, children, I know you're all very excited

67. about having the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival

68. put on in your town.

69. You care very much about the Earth, don't you?

70. yes.

71. Good, because it's up to all of you

72. to get lots of people to come and make it look great.

73. The festival is on Friday,

74. so we'll start getting it ready tomorrow night.

75. What?

76. We've all gotta pitch in.

77. I'm sorry, but the four of us can't help tomorrow night.

78. Yeah! Yeah!

79. You... what?

80. We got tickets to see Terrance and Phillip live

81. in Denver tomorrow night.

82. We paid 40 bucks a piece for them.

83. And Terrance and Phillip

84. are more important than Mother Earth?

85. Well, yeah, dude.

86. You don't care about Terrance and Phillip.

87. Nothing matters more than saving the planet

88. from Republicans.

89. You don't need to see Terrance and Phillip.

90. No, dude, we really, really do.

91. Their will is strong.

92. Boys, I'm sorry, but nothing's more important than Earth Day.

93. Uh, but that's why we're going.

94. Huh?

95. See, we're the official presidents

96. of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club

97. and we're going to see them tomorrow

98. 'cause we can get them to perform

99. at the Earth Day festival.

100. You can get Terrance and Phillip to perform?

101. That would be great.

102. Terrance and Phillip would draw huge ratings

103. from children all over the country.

104. Very well, kids, we'll work on getting the event ready here

105. and you go get Terrance and Phillip.

106. Alright!

107. But I warn you,

108. you better not promise things to Earth Day people

109. that you can't deliver.

110. Earth Day people can be very unforgiving.

111. Heh-heh, no problem, no problem.

112. Ladies and gentlemen...

113. put your hands together for Terrance!

114. Hello, Denver!

115. Wow, dude, Terrance got really fat.

116. Yeah, he looks terrible.

117. How are you all feeling tonight, pretty good?

118. Uh-oh.

119. Hey, do you all remember this one?

120. "Doctor, doctor, I think I cracked my ass."

121. Phillip, "let me take a look."

122. "Look closer."

123. Uh...

124. where the hell is Phillip?

125. Phillip, Phillip!

126. Phillip, Phillip, Phillip, Phillip!

127. And now, for some classic Terrance and Phillip comedy.

128. Hello, Terrance.

129. Hello, Phillip.

130. Phillip? That's not Phillip.

131. Say, Phillip, I have a question for you.

132. Okay, shoot.

133. Dude, what the hell is going on?

134. Why'd they replace Phillip?

135. I think this new guy's funny.

136. And now here's a classic Terrance and Phillip sketch

137. that I wrote back in '62.

138. Excuse me, sir, do you know who farted?

139. He sure did.

140. What's the person's name?

141. Who. - The guy that farted?

142. Who? - The person that passed gas.

143. Who passed gas?

144. Now, why you askin' me?

145. That's the man's name.

146. That's whose name?

147. Yes!

148. Something very terrible has happened

149. in the world of Terrance and Phillip

150. and we've got to find out what.

151. Look, buddy, all I'm trying to find out is,

152. what's the guy's name that farted?

153. What's the guy that drank his own urine?

154. Who?

155. Come on, guys, we're getting to the bottom of this.

156. Excuse us.

157. Where do you think you're goin'?

158. We have to talk to Terrance. - Yeah, right.

159. It's okay, we're the Official Presidents

160. of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club.

161. Then get in the

162. "Official President of Terrance and Phillip Fan Club" line.

163. Oh, dude. Gay.

164. You don't understand,

165. we saved Terrance and Phillip's lives once.

166. You and about a thousand other people at one time or another.

167. Now get outta my face.

168. Redneck!

169. Man, this sucks.

170. Are you guys official presidents too?

171. Don't talk to us, kid.

172. Hey, look at that line, it's way shorter.

173. I don't think we're female groupies or random sluts.

174. Kenny's a random slut.

175. Well, maybe we can sneak in over there, come on.

176. Shh.

177. Mmm, mmm, yummy.

178. It was so great meeting you.

179. I feel like we really shared something.

180. We sure did, Betty.

181. Next!

182. Hello, Terrance, I'm such a huge fan.

183. You're a huge fan, alright.

184. Could I just have you sign my breasts?

185. What do I get in return?

186. Whatever you want.

187. Oh, yeah, oh, that's good, baby.

188. Oh, Terrance, I love you. I love you.

189. I love you. I love you.

190. Man, it smells down there.

191. Jesus Christ, that was fast.

192. Well, what should we name it, how 'bout Jerry?

193. What the hell?

194. Oh, wow, we had quadruplets.

195. Aah!

196. We're not quadruplets, Terrance.

197. We snuck in that woman's spandex to get in here.

198. Oh, thank God.

199. The last thing I need is more kids.

200. What do you want, an autograph or something?

201. No, it's more important than that.

202. Our school is putting on a big show for Earth Day

203. and we promised people we could get you to perform.

204. Earth Day, huh?

205. That sounds like a very noble cause.

206. How much does it pay?

207. But where's Phillip? - Who?

208. Phillip, your partner.

209. Why is it that every time somebody sees me,

210. they have to say, "hey, where's Phillip?"

211. Like we're freakin' married or something.

212. Y'know, I'll let you tater tots in on a little secret.

213. Phillip is a hack.

214. You know who wrote all the Terrance and Phillip stuff?

215. Me. Phillip never did anything but read his lines.

216. But the guy that replaced him sucks.

217. I know. I know he sucks.

218. To be honest, things haven't been going so well lately.

219. I'm not making any money

220. because everyone wants to see Phillip.

221. Why?

222. What the hell does Phillip do?

223. Because, dude, it's "Terrance and Phillip."

224. Ugh, whatever.

225. The point is, Phillip and I are through

226. and apparently so is the act and so is the money.

227. What if we can get Phillip to agree to get back together?

228. Will you do the Earth Day show for us?

229. Ha, good luck getting Phillip.

230. He left because he wanted to do "more serious stuff."

231. The last I heard

232. he was doing Canadian Shakespeare in Toronto.

233. Toronto?

234. But we promised the Earth Day people you'd perform.

235. Well, in that case,

236. I'd say you four boys are up fart creek without a paddle.

237. Work, work, children.

238. We only have two more days until Earth Day, work!

239. Uh, excuse me, my daddy is a geologist

240. and he says there actually isn't any concrete evidence

241. of global warming.

242. That's not true.

243. Global warming is going to kill us all.

244. The Republicans are responsible.

245. Thank you.

246. Oh no, dude.

247. Oh, there you are boys.

248. I need Terrance and Phillip's information

249. so I can tell them their schedule.

250. Uh, we didn't get them. - You what?

251. They're not together anymore, dude.

252. You better be joking.

253. We've already announced their participation.

254. Look, we could probably get Terrance,

255. but he'll be performing with this other guy.

256. You promised us Terrance and Phillip.

257. We, therefore, promised the world Terrance and Phillip.

258. You will get us Terrance and Phillip or else.

259. But there's nothing we can do.

260. Phillip is doing Shakespeare in Canada now.

261. Then you better get your asses to Canada and get him.

262. We'll make travel arrangements.

263. Nothing is more important than the environment, boys,

264. Not even your lives.

265. Well, guys, I guess we're going to Canada.

266. Sweet.

267. Ugh! Ah!

268. Part them, they are incensed.

269. Nay, come again.

270. Look to the queen there, buddy.

271. They bleed on both sides, how is it, my Lord?

272. How is it, Laertes?

273. Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe, Osric,

274. I am justly killed with my own treachery.

275. How does the queen?

276. Hey, guy, she swoons to see them bleed.

277. Oh, my dear, Hamlet, I am poisoned.

278. Oh, villainy, ho, let the door be locked.

279. Treachery, seek it out.

280. It is here, Hamlet. Hamlet, thou art slain.

281. No medicine in the world can do thee good.

282. In thee there is not half an hour of life.

283. The treacherous instrument is in thy hand,

284. unbated and envenomed.

285. The foul practice hath turned itself on me.

286. Lo, here I lie never to rise again.

287. Thy mother's poisoned. I can no more.

288. The king, the king's to blame.

289. the point, envenomed too.

290. Then, venom to thy work, buddy!

291. Treason, treason!

292. Oh, yet defend me, friends, I am but hurt.

293. Here, thou incestuous, murderous damned dane.

294. Drink of this potion, is thy union here?

295. Follow my mother.

296. He is served, it is a poison tempered by himself.

297. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet.

298. Mine and my father's death came not upon thee

299. nor thine on me.

300. Heaven make free of it, I follow thee, guy.

301. I am dead, Horatio, wretched queen, adieu.

302. You that look pale and tremble at this chance, buddy,

303. thou are but mutes or audience to this act,

304. had I but time—

305. as this fell sergeant death is strict in his arrest—

306. oh, I could tell you, buddy, but let it be.

307. Horatio, I am dead.

308. Thou livest, guy,

309. report me and my cause aright to the unsatisfied.

310. Never believe it.

311. I am more an antique Roman than a dane.

312. Here's yet some liquor left, buddy.

313. Jesus-tap-dancing-Christ, is this thing ever gonna end?

314. He has my dying voice, so tell him with the occurrence

315. more and less which have solicited,

316. the rest is silence.

317. Now cracks a noble heart, good night, sweet prince

318. and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, buddy.

319. Phillip, Phillip! - Yes?

320. Our town in Colorado was chosen

321. to host Earth Day this year and we need a big act.

322. Oh, really?

323. This run of Hamlet is closing down, I'm afraid,

324. we could take it there.

325. Uh, well we were thinking how cool it would be

326. if you and Terrance got back together for a reunion—

327. Stop right there!

328. I'm not doin' nothin' with that fatass egomaniac.

329. But we need you.

330. I'm sick of him taking credit for all the work

331. and not letting me change the act.

332. It's old and stale.

333. I mean, do you really think

334. that fart jokes are funny for that long?

335. Look, if you don't come and do the show,

336. I'll make you eat your parents.

337. Yeah, whatever kid.

338. He'll do it, dude.

339. Uh, look, Phillip.

340. Everyone in South Park just wants to see your serious side.

341. What? What?

342. They told us, "that Phillip, he's the one with talent.

343. Just get him for Earth Day." - Really?

344. Well that sounds interesting, how much does it pay?

345. $2,000. - I'm in!

346. Here, call me at this number with the details, gotta run.

347. Dude, you didn't tell him Terrance would be there.

348. I didn't say he wouldn't be there, either.

349. Look, all we have to do is get them there, right?

350. Once Terrance and Phillip get together again,

351. it'll be like old times.

352. Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal

353. at the "First Bank of Lies."

354. It'll—it'll be okay.

355. Work faster.

356. Faster, children, Earth Day is coming.

357. Well, boys, it's rehearsal time

358. and your Terrance and Phillip haven't shown up.

359. They said they'd come.

360. I'm sure they'll be here any minute.

361. Maybe you kids don't understand

362. how important Earth Day is for the future of our planet.

363. Maybe you need some convincing.

364. Karl.

365. Ahh!

366. Oh, my God!

367. Excuse me, is this where the Earth Day crap is happening?

368. He's here.

369. Oh, very good. Mr. Phillip, I'm Jack Forest,

370. head of the Earth Day committee.

371. Thank you for being a part of this important event.

372. Whatever, where's my check?

373. Alright, I'm here, where do I—

374. what's he doing here?

375. Alright, let's do a rehearsal

376. so that the camera crew can get a look at it.

377. Wow, isn't this great,

378. You guys seeing each other again?

379. Yeah, you must have a lot of catching up to do

380. but let's rehearse first.

381. So, this is your doing, huh, Terrance?

382. My doing?

383. These kids called me and said it was your idea

384. and that you wanted to apologize.

385. Please, you guys, this is for Earth Day.

386. You care about Mother Earth, don't you?

387. Well, what the hell?

388. I already flew all the way out here.

389. But I want my check made out to me, not both of us.

390. Ditto! - Fine.

391. See, I told you it would work.

392. Alright, we'll come off the speech of the dying whales

393. and then, action.

394. Doctor, doctor, I've cracked my ass.

395. Really? Let me take a look.

396. Look closer.

397. Yon fart doth smell of elderberry sweet—

398. That's not the line, asshole.

399. You're right, it's a better one, asshole.

400. Just do the bit right, dick face!

401. Why don't you go eat some more pudding,

402. you fatass drug addict!

403. I may be fat, but at least I didn't get hair plugs.

404. That's it!

405. I ain't doin' nothin' with "Kooko the Whale"!

406. I never needed you in the first place, you hack!

407. You can't leave, the show starts soon.

408. Boys, you've got three hours to get those two back together.

409. Do I need to remind you what will happen if you don't?

410. Karl!

411. Owww!

412. You bastards. - Good luck, boys.

413. We've got to get them back together, you guys.

414. They could do this to us!

415. Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,

416. where Earth Day 2001 is in full force.

417. Environmental awareness games, booths

418. and of course, the entertainment on stage

419. which is being broadcast live all over the country.

420. This eco-happy crowd is thrilled and waiting in anticipation

421. for the arrival of Terrance and Phillip,

422. who were promised by these four boys.

423. What a touching and true song.

424. You know it's true, Republicans are ruining the earth.

425. Republicans are ruining the earth.

426. Alright.

427. Well, I think I know why most you tuned in today.

428. How about some Earth Day entertainment?

429. Hooray for the Earth, we must protect it.

430. And now, as promised,

431. Here are Terrance and Phillip... on video.

432. On video?

433. They were considered the best comedy act in all of Canada,

434. but a fast-paced rocket ride to success

435. would bring them to the depths of despair.

436. This is Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow.

437. Wow.

438. What the hell do you call this?

439. It's Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow.

440. I taped it last month.

441. We promised people Terrance and Phillip,

442. not a video documentary.

443. You've ruined the Earth for the last time, boys!

444. Aah!

445. Terrance was born "Terrance Henry Stute"

446. in the small Canadian village of Toronto.

447. At a very early age,

448. his parents noticed an uncanny musical ability

449. and decided to enroll him

450. in the Canadian school for gifted babies.

451. It was here that he partnered up with Phillip Niles Argyle,

452. a brash young baby from Montreal.

453. Together, they performed musical acts

454. that stunned Canadians everywhere.

455. At the tender age of six,

456. Terrance and Phillip were off to the United States

457. to perform on the Ed Sullivan Show

458. where American audiences would be exposed to Canadians

459. for the first time.

460. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

461. we have two adorable little boys from Canada.

462. Please put your hands together

463. for the music of young Terrance and Phillip.

464. Oh, my God, what's wrong with their heads?

465. It's alright, darling, they're just Canadian.

466. Oh.

467. the Canadian act confused American audiences,

468. but then something happened

469. that would change Terrance and Phillip's act forever.

470. It was the birth of Canadian comedy.

471. Terrance and Phillip

472. spent the next several years perfecting their art

473. and meeting some of America's most influential people.

474. Excuse me, which way is the bus station?

475. Hey, you're the guy on the screen.

476. What?

477. But it was in 1974 on the Sonny and Cher Show

478. that Terrance and Phillip

479. finally started to mix their Canadian humor

480. with deep political insight.

481. You know, Cher, a lot of us real Americans

482. don't know much about Canada.

483. Well, all of us real Americans

484. aren't as stupid and short as you.

485. Please put your groovy hands together

486. for the young and talented Terrance and Phillip.

487. Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot

488. all these Russians making missiles.

489. Maybe we should stop this "Cold War."

490. Here's a missile for ya.

491. That's better.

492. With this bold mix of humor and political insight,

493. the world couldn't get enough of Terrance and Phillip,

494. but their fame would come at a price

495. when Behind the Blow continues.

496. Okay, okay, I think we lost 'em.

497. Jesus, man, those Earth people don't screw around.

498. Kyle, none of this would be happening

499. if you hadn't lied in the first place.

500. You lied and then you lied to cover up your lies.

501. I didn't see you complaining at the time, fat boy!

502. Guys, we have no choice, we're gonna have to move away.

503. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason.

504. There they are!

505. Ahh!

506. As they entered their late teens,

507. Terrance and Phillip were already starting to taste

508. the sweet milk of success,

509. but the price of fame was looming

510. as Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow continues.

511. The '70s and '80s were a good time

512. for young Terrance and Phillip.

513. Their act on The Donny and Marie Show

514. won them a Nobel Peace Prize.

515. They were on the cover of every magazine.

516. And then in 1998,

517. even a Saturday morning cartoon was made

518. based on Terrance and Phillip.

519. Terrance and Phillip themselves supplied the voices.

520. Say, Terrance, what should we do

521. aboot this strange planet we've crashed on?

522. I don't know, Phillip.

523. It seems like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.

524. Uh-oh, did you say what I thought you said?

525. As leader of the Goat People,

526. I have seen my species nearly wiped out

527. by your dangerous gas.

528. Wow, that sucks.

529. The cartoon was such a huge success

530. that it started to breed confusion

531. over whether Terrance and Phillip

532. were animated characters or real people.

533. And so in 1998, the comedy team started work

534. on what they thought would be their greatest achievement,

535. a made-for-TV movie

536. written by and starting Terrance and Phillip

537. called Not Without My Anus.

538. It was their biggest project to date,

539. but it had the misfortune of being scheduled on a night

540. when a different and more popular television show,

541. the John Schneider Variety Hour was supposed to air.

542. When fans tuned in to see John Schneider

543. and instead were treated to the Canadian made-for-TV movie,

544. they were enraged, bewildered, and scared.

545. The fans revolted and burned down the network,

546. killing six television producers and wounding 12 others.

547. The hatred of Terrance and Phillip had begun.

548. Terrance fell into a deep depression

549. and started abusing wood polish.

550. Phillip beat up an angry six-year-old fan

551. and was sued for $6 million.

552. It was the first time the duo tasted failure

553. and it nearly killed them both.

554. What's going on here?

555. Shh, we're watchin' Behind the Blow.

556. Come on, Kenny, hurry up!

557. After years of depression and suicide attempts,

558. Terrance and Phillip finally decided to get together

559. for one last film,

560. the 1999 smash hit Asses of Fire.

561. It was one of the highest grossing films of the summer.

562. And though the film also started

563. the Canadian-American war of 1999

564. in which eight million people lost their lives,

565. the film was considered a great success.

566. After almost being executed by the American government,

567. Terrance and Phillip were eventually returned to Canada

568. where they were touted as heroes.

569. They had been to hell and back,

570. through the very best and the very worst of times together,

571. but they had seen it through, and so ends

572. Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow.

573. Terrance.

574. Oh, Phillip, you're still here too.

575. I was just watching this video.

576. You know, I've never seen it before.

577. Me neither.

578. We sure did go through a lot together.

579. We sure did.

580. Terrance, I—

581. Don't, no, Phillip, don't say it.

582. I was an asshole, this is mostly my fault.

583. That's what I was gonna say,

584. You're an asshole and this was mostly your fault.

585. But you were always the more artistically driven of us.

586. I should've put more into it than I did.

587. No, Phillip.

588. I really thought I did everything,

589. until I tried to do it alone.

590. Think of all the endangered species

591. that will now vanish because of you.

592. Karl!

593. So long, boys.

594. Wait, dude, look.

595. Thank you, everyone, thank you.

596. You know, Phillip and I have learned an important lesson,

597. that when you go through a lot with somebody,

598. you can't let trite things come between you.

599. That's right, Terrance.

600. You should only let trite things

601. come between your ass cheeks.

602. Oh, no!

603. They're back.

604. Alright!

605. Yes, Earth Day is saved, boys.

606. Everything worked out after all.

607. It sure did.

608. Look, Kenny, everything turned out okay.

609. Say, Terrance, can you tell me who farted?

610. He sure did, Phillip.

611. No, I'm asking you his name.

612. And so Terrance and Phillip got back together,

613. proving once and for all that fame and fortune

614. are never as important as friendship.