1. Alright, Mom,Copy !req
2. I'm all done wrapping Dad's
anniversary present for you.Copy !req
3. Oh, is it someone's
anniversary soon?Copy !req
4. Oh, you.Copy !req
5. Just kidding.Copy !req
6. Ooh, I wonder
what it is.Copy !req
7. It's a—Copy !req
8. Oh, shucks,
I can't tell you.Copy !req
9. But it's really nifty.Copy !req
10. Well, it looks like we're
gonna have to do somethingCopy !req
11. extra special for Mommy and
Daddy's anniversary this year.Copy !req
12. How about on SaturdayCopy !req
13. we all go have dinner
at Bennigan's?Copy !req
14. Bennigan's?
Oh, boy, you mean it?Copy !req
15. Whoopee!Copy !req
16. At Bennigan's I'm gonna get
the Ranch Hand Baby Back Ribs.Copy !req
17. Calm down there, cowboy.Copy !req
18. You've still got
four days.Copy !req
19. Four days?Copy !req
20. Oh, I don't know how
I'm gonna wait that long.Copy !req
21. Who's the boy that
can laugh at a storm cloud?Copy !req
22. Turn a frown
into a smile for free?Copy !req
23. Who's the kid with
the heart full of magic?Copy !req
24. Everyone knows
it's Butters!Copy !req
25. Well, that's me!Copy !req
26. Who's the boy
with eyes full of wonder?Copy !req
27. Who thinks being yourself
is the best thing to be?Copy !req
28. Who's that rascal with
the tweezers in his pocket?Copy !req
29. Everyone knows
it's Butters!Copy !req
30. Well, that's me!Copy !req
31. Jumping in puddles,
skipping down the hallwayCopy !req
32. petting goats
at the petting zooCopy !req
33. he loves John All-way
- Elway.Copy !req
34. Who's that tyke with
the cutest little dimples?Copy !req
35. Batting his eyes
at every puppy he sees?Copy !req
36. If you look inside yourself
you might be surprisedCopy !req
37. when you find
a little boy namedCopy !req
38. Butters!Copy !req
39. Well, that's—
that's me, yeah.Copy !req
40. Three more days
'til we eat at Bennigan's.Copy !req
41. That's 72 hours.
Oh, gee whiz.Copy !req
42. Well, if you two
will excuse me,Copy !req
43. I need to go out and buy
a certain special ladyCopy !req
44. her anniversary present.Copy !req
45. I hope he means me.Copy !req
46. Don't be silly, Mom,Copy !req
47. of course
he means you.Copy !req
48. I'll be back
in a little bit.Copy !req
49. Butters, you're in charge
of the house.Copy !req
50. Yes, sir!Copy !req
51. Oh, I wonder what
he's gonna get me this year.Copy !req
52. We won't know
till we're at Bennigan's.Copy !req
53. Every year
it's the same.Copy !req
54. Your father gets me
some great giftCopy !req
55. and my gift to him
falls short.Copy !req
56. I've just got to
outdo him this year.Copy !req
57. I've just got to!Copy !req
58. Dad's a good shopper,
alright.Copy !req
59. Butters, maybe you could
secretly follow your dadCopy !req
60. and see what
he's getting me.Copy !req
61. You mean spy on him?Copy !req
62. But ain't that kind of
like fibbin'?Copy !req
63. No, it's a little
different.Copy !req
64. You remember when the nice
policeman gave you a badgeCopy !req
65. and made you
an Honorary Inspector?Copy !req
66. Sure, I do.Copy !req
67. Why, I think Inspector
Butters could find outCopy !req
68. what daddy's getting mommy
without him ever knowing.Copy !req
69. What do you say?Copy !req
70. Inspector Butters
is on the case, ma'am.Copy !req
71. Everyone knows
it's Butters!Copy !req
72. Well, that's me!Copy !req
73. Hmm, Dad's going
to see a movie.Copy !req
74. How nice.Copy !req
75. "White Swallow
Bath House."Copy !req
76. Everyone knows
it's Butters!Copy !req
77. Well, that's me!Copy !req
78. I'm back, Ma.Copy !req
79. Oh, hi, sweetie.Copy !req
80. Did you get to follow
your dad around?Copy !req
81. I sure did.Copy !req
82. Dad sure had
a nice night out.Copy !req
83. Well, did you see what he
got me for our anniversary?Copy !req
84. Well, first he went
to see a movie.Copy !req
85. A movie?
Huh.Copy !req
86. I wonder why he'd want to
see a movie by himself.Copy !req
87. I don't know, but it wasn't at
the movie theater at the mall.Copy !req
88. It was that really old
theater downtown,Copy !req
89. The Studcat.Copy !req
90. I didn't even know
it was open.Copy !req
91. Wait a minute.
What was the movie called?Copy !req
92. "Fisting Firemen 9."Copy !req
93. I've never seen
one through eight.Copy !req
94. Oh, my God.Copy !req
95. It must've been
a real short movie, though,Copy !req
96. because Dad came out, like,
10 minutes later.Copy !req
97. It must've been
a sad film, too,Copy !req
98. because he had a bunch of
tissue paper with himCopy !req
99. when he came out.Copy !req
100. Poor ol' dad.
Movie really got to him.Copy !req
101. Butters, where did Daddy
go after the movie?Copy !req
102. To the gym.Copy !req
103. To the gym?Copy !req
104. Yeah,
the White Swallow Spa.Copy !req
105. Ah!Copy !req
106. Yup, he went in there
and he wrestledCopy !req
107. with all kind of guys.Copy !req
108. He wasn't too good, though.Copy !req
109. This one black guy
had him pinned downCopy !req
110. for 15 minutes straight.Copy !req
111. Butters,
are you sure about this?Copy !req
112. You have to be
absolutely sure.Copy !req
113. Inspector Butters
gets all the facts.Copy !req
114. I even got some
neat-o pictures.Copy !req
115. The only thing
I can't figure outCopy !req
116. is why dad told you he was going
shopping for your presentCopy !req
117. when he was going out
seeing movies and wrestling?Copy !req
118. Oh, did you have
a nice trip, Ma?Copy !req
119. See you next fall.Copy !req
120. Mom?Copy !req
121. Butters!
- Well, that's me!Copy !req
122. Paint...
Must paint...Copy !req
123. Everything clean...Copy !req
124. Paint...Copy !req
125. Well, honey, you've painted
the entire houseCopy !req
126. three times.Copy !req
127. Must paint.Copy !req
128. Everything clean.
Everything new.Copy !req
129. Say, Butters,
I'm having real troubleCopy !req
130. finding an anniversary
present for mom.Copy !req
131. Any ideas?Copy !req
132. Hmm, I can't think of one.Copy !req
133. Well, then, it looks like
I'm gonna have toCopy !req
134. go out shopping again.Copy !req
135. Ah!
Paint.Copy !req
136. Everything clean,
everything new.Copy !req
137. Paint.Copy !req
138. I'll be back
in a little while.Copy !req
139. Should I go try and see
what he gets you again, Mom?Copy !req
140. I don't think
Daddy's shopping.Copy !req
141. I think Daddy's going out
wrestling again.Copy !req
142. Paint.
Paint.Copy !req
143. Must be made clean.Copy !req
144. New.Copy !req
145. Hey, a new paintbrush.Copy !req
146. That's what Dad could get
Mom for their anniversary.Copy !req
147. I gotta go tell him.Copy !req
148. Must clean Butters.Copy !req
149. Clean.Copy !req
150. Never be clean.Copy !req
151. Must... kill?Copy !req
152. The only way...Copy !req
153. Must kill Butters.Copy !req
154. Paint.Copy !req
155. Butters!
- Well, that's me!Copy !req
156. One, please.Copy !req
157. Locker 213.Copy !req
158. Thanks.Copy !req
159. That's what takes me highCopy !req
160. Dad?
Dad, you in here?Copy !req
161. Hello, anybody in here?Copy !req
162. There, do you think
that works?Copy !req
163. Well, that's four fingers.
Try five.Copy !req
164. Mr. Garrison?Copy !req
165. Who is that?Copy !req
166. Dad?Copy !req
167. Dad!Copy !req
168. Are you wrestling in here?Copy !req
169. Dad?Copy !req
170. This room's taken.Copy !req
171. Oh, pardon me, sirs.Copy !req
172. Dad?Copy !req
173. No.Copy !req
174. Hmm.Copy !req
175. Ah, Butters!Copy !req
176. Hi, Dad!Copy !req
177. Oh, God.Copy !req
178. I'm glad I found ya.Copy !req
179. I think I know the perfect
anniversary present for Mom.Copy !req
180. What are you doing with
your wiener out there, Dad?Copy !req
181. Butters, you need
to leave here right now.Copy !req
182. You need
to get out of here.Copy !req
183. Go home and wait for me
to talk to you.Copy !req
184. Oh, alright then.Copy !req
185. We'll see you at home.Copy !req
186. Oh, Jesus, no.Copy !req
187. Oh, what have I done?Copy !req
188. Everyone knows
it's Butters!Copy !req
189. Well, that's me!Copy !req
190. Butters.
Oh, Butters.Copy !req
191. Could you come see me
in my study real quick?Copy !req
192. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
193. Come here, Son.
I want to have a talk with you.Copy !req
194. Well, sure thing, Dad.Copy !req
195. Son, I want to talk to you
about lying.Copy !req
196. Oh, I know lying's bad, Dad.
You told me so.Copy !req
197. Yes, it sure can be.Copy !req
198. But there are also timesCopy !req
199. when distorting the truth
a little is appropriate.Copy !req
200. These are called
"little white lies."Copy !req
201. Little white lies?Copy !req
202. You see, sometimes telling
a little white lie is okay.Copy !req
203. Like, for instance,
when you catch your fatherCopy !req
204. jacking off
in a gay men's bath house.Copy !req
205. Who's Jack?Copy !req
206. Butters,
the point is thatCopy !req
207. I think that if you told Mommy
what Daddy was doing tonight,Copy !req
208. well, she might go
completely insane.Copy !req
209. Oh, no, that
won't happen, Dad.Copy !req
210. It won't?
Alright, good.Copy !req
211. No, because I already
told Mom and she's fine.Copy !req
212. You what?Copy !req
213. Butters, Mommy wants to take
you for a little drive now.Copy !req
214. A drive?
Oh, boy!Copy !req
215. I love a good drive.
Is Dad coming, too?Copy !req
216. No, sweetie.
Daddy needs to sit and think.Copy !req
217. Alright.
See you in a bit, Dad.Copy !req
218. Oh, boy, a drive.Copy !req
219. What a bright time,
it's the right timeCopy !req
220. Oh, jeez, you wouldn't
believe how angry I wasCopy !req
221. when the teacher said I had to
share my finger paints,Copy !req
222. because I've been
sharing them all along.Copy !req
223. Butters,
you know that Mommy loves youCopy !req
224. an awful lot, don't you?Copy !req
225. Well, sure I do, Mom.
I love you, too.Copy !req
226. And sometimes
mommies do thingsCopy !req
227. that seem hurtful
to their babies,Copy !req
228. but it's really
for the best.Copy !req
229. You mean like the time you
washed my mouth out with soapCopy !req
230. for saying "nut sack"
in front of Grandma.Copy !req
231. Yeah, I need
to behave myself.Copy !req
232. If a mommy
has to end her life,Copy !req
233. she can't let her baby
alone in the worldCopy !req
234. to be raised
by a sick pervert.Copy !req
235. Well, sure, that makes sense,
I suppose—yeah.Copy !req
236. Hey, did you see
my mittens anywhere?Copy !req
237. It's cold out here.Copy !req
238. I'm going to get out
of the car now, Butters.Copy !req
239. I want you to stay put
with your seatbelt fastened.Copy !req
240. Oh, well,
alright, Mom.Copy !req
241. Okay, then.Copy !req
242. You know, I think the car
might be moving, Mom.Copy !req
243. Yep, I'm pretty sure
the car's moving.Copy !req
244. Looks like I'm heading
for the water.Copy !req
245. Shh. Shh.
It's okay, baby.Copy !req
246. Mommy will be
with you very soon.Copy !req
247. Well, I think—Copy !req
248. Yep, it looks like the car's
filling up with water.Copy !req
249. Yeah, I think maybe now
might be a good timeCopy !req
250. to come back inside the car
and drive, Mom.Copy !req
251. Everyone knows
it's Butters!Copy !req
252. Well, that's me!Copy !req
253. "Dear Bastard Husband,"Copy !req
254. No.
"Dear Lying Son of a Bitch!"Copy !req
255. No.Copy !req
256. "Dear Ass Face."
Yes, that's it.Copy !req
257. "I will no longer—"Copy !req
258. Linda, what are
you doing?Copy !req
259. Stay away from me, bastard!Copy !req
260. Linda, I know
this is very hard.Copy !req
261. You don't know anything!Copy !req
262. I've been wanting to stop
going to those places, Linda,Copy !req
263. but I couldn't.Copy !req
264. I still love you.Copy !req
265. Then why, Chris, why?Copy !req
266. It just—it started as some
curiosity on the internet.Copy !req
267. I would chat with other
married guys in the chat rooms,Copy !req
268. and, well, the things
they would talk about, Linda.Copy !req
269. I don't know why I found it
exciting; I just did.Copy !req
270. And it grew from there
and spun out of control.Copy !req
271. And...
Damn you, internet!Copy !req
272. You don't have to worry
about your familyCopy !req
273. being in your way anymore.Copy !req
274. No, Linda.
I don't want that lifestyle.Copy !req
275. It's just kind of
an addiction.Copy !req
276. I want help,
and I'm going to get help.Copy !req
277. Please, just give me a chance
to make this all up to you.Copy !req
278. We can have a normal life.Copy !req
279. There is no going back, Chris.Copy !req
280. Sure there is.Copy !req
281. No!
Our son is dead.Copy !req
282. What?Copy !req
283. I killed him.Copy !req
284. I was going to end it allCopy !req
285. and everything spun
out of control for me.Copy !req
286. I drowned Butters in the car,
Chris!Copy !req
287. Oh, no.Copy !req
288. No, no, Jesus, Linda.
What were you thinking?Copy !req
289. I wasn't thinking!Copy !req
290. I couldn't think.Copy !req
291. You destroyed my life, you!Copy !req
292. Oh, God, what have I done?Copy !req
293. Oh, Butters!Copy !req
294. This can't be happening.Copy !req
295. This is a bad dream.Copy !req
296. Just go away and let me die!Copy !req
297. No, Linda, we—Copy !req
298. I'm a murderer, Chris.Copy !req
299. I don't have a life now!Copy !req
300. Linda, Butters is gone.Copy !req
301. Oh, Christ.Copy !req
302. If Butters is gone,Copy !req
303. there's nothing
we can do about that.Copy !req
304. But I won't let you go to jail.
I promise.Copy !req
305. Linda, please.Copy !req
306. Oh, boy, this thing
ain't never gonna stop.Copy !req
307. I must be all the way
down to Denver by now.Copy !req
308. Crash!Copy !req
309. Oh, whoopee!Copy !req
310. Finally.Copy !req
311. Well, now that the car
has come to a stop,Copy !req
312. it's safe for me
to unfasten my seatbelt.Copy !req
313. Boy, Mom must be worried sick
about me right now.Copy !req
314. I gotta get back home.Copy !req
315. Gee whiz.
Where the heck am I?Copy !req
316. Everyone knows
it's Butters!Copy !req
317. Well, that's me!Copy !req
318. Tom, I'm standing
in front of the homeCopy !req
319. of Chris and Linda Stotch.Copy !req
320. They're living every parent's
nightmare right now,Copy !req
321. As last night,
while Mrs. Stotch was drivingCopy !req
322. with her son in the car,Copy !req
323. a man stopped her,
put a gun to her head,Copy !req
324. and took her son away.Copy !req
325. When asked who the man was,
Mrs. Stotch replied,Copy !req
326. "some Puerto Rican guy."Copy !req
327. Naturally, the police
are on an all-out manhuntCopy !req
328. for some Puerto Rican guy.Copy !req
329. Looks like the parents are about
to make a statement, Tom.Copy !req
330. Mrs. Stotch.
Mrs. Stotch.Copy !req
331. Any word yet from the man
who took your son?Copy !req
332. No, no.
Not yet.Copy !req
333. But if you're out there,
we beg you.Copy !req
334. We just want our baby
returned safely back to us.Copy !req
335. Mrs. Stotch, what did
the kidnapper look like?Copy !req
336. Puerto Rican.Copy !req
337. Was he tall?
Short?Copy !req
338. He was average
Puerto Rican height.Copy !req
339. Please, just bring
our baby back to me.Copy !req
340. Butters!
- Well, that's me!Copy !req
341. So then my friend
started hollering at me, saying,Copy !req
342. "you took my rubber bands."Copy !req
343. Well, I didn't take 'em;
Craig did.Copy !req
344. I saw Craig take 'em.Copy !req
345. Anyway, boy, I sure am lucky
you came along, Mister.Copy !req
346. Yeah, too bad
you're not a broadCopy !req
347. 'cause I need some
God damn poontang.Copy !req
348. Yeah, I could use some
God damn poontang myselfCopy !req
349. right now.Copy !req
350. Have you ever been
to Bennigan's, Mister?Copy !req
351. Oh, it sure is great.Copy !req
352. I'm going to Bennigan's
tomorrow night with my family.Copy !req
353. Oh, I can just see it now.Copy !req
354. We'll walk in
the front doorsCopy !req
355. and the nice Bennigan's
hostess ladyCopy !req
356. will take us
to our cozy booth.Copy !req
357. Then we'll order some mozzarella
sticks for appetizers.Copy !req
358. Dad will open his present;
Mom will open hers.Copy !req
359. Then the Bennigan's
waitstaff will sing.Copy !req
360. Happy, happy anniversaryCopy !req
361. from everyone at Bennigan'sCopy !req
362. Happy, happy anniversary
from everyone at Bennigan'sCopy !req
363. Happy, happy anniversaryCopy !req
364. from everyone at Bennigan'sCopy !req
365. Happy, happy—Copy !req
366. Ooh, are we stopping for sodas?Copy !req
367. Hey, can I get
a chocolate milk?Copy !req
368. He must like
T.G.I. Friday's.Copy !req
369. Let us handle it.Copy !req
370. Barbrady.Copy !req
371. Hello?Copy !req
372. Oh, hello.Copy !req
373. Who is this?Copy !req
374. Who is this?Copy !req
375. Uh, is this
the Stotch residence?Copy !req
376. Yes, are you calling
about the abduction?Copy !req
377. No.Copy !req
378. Oh.
Are you Puerto Rican?Copy !req
379. No.Copy !req
380. We need to keep
this line clear.Copy !req
381. Call back another day.Copy !req
382. It wasn't the abductor.
Sorry.Copy !req
383. Chief, two more parents
from the next town overCopy !req
384. have shown up,
saying their childCopy !req
385. might've been killed
by the same guyCopy !req
386. that took the Stotch boy.Copy !req
387. Really?Copy !req
388. This is John and Patsy Ramsey
from Boulder.Copy !req
389. We saw your story
on the news.Copy !req
390. We're so sorry
to hear about your loss.Copy !req
391. Our daughter
was killed a few years agoCopy !req
392. in our house.Copy !req
393. Yes, I remember hearing
something about that.Copy !req
394. And we realized
the man that murdered your sonCopy !req
395. must be the same person
that killed our daughter.Copy !req
396. Yeah, because we
certainly didn't do it.Copy !req
397. No.Copy !req
398. No.
- No.Copy !req
399. Well, our son
was abducted.Copy !req
400. We don't know that
he's dead yet.Copy !req
401. Right...Copy !req
402. Butters!
Well, that's me!Copy !req
403. Sir?
Hello?Copy !req
404. Yeah, what can I do for ya?Copy !req
405. I have to get
to South Park.Copy !req
406. If you give me a ride,Copy !req
407. I can pay you the $4
I made at the titty bar.Copy !req
408. Sorry, wife took the car
to Estes Park for the weekend.Copy !req
409. Won't be back until Sunday.Copy !req
410. I can give you a ride
Sunday if you like.Copy !req
411. I can't wait till Sunday.Copy !req
412. I'm eating with my family
at Bennigan's tomorrow.Copy !req
413. Well, then, looks like
you're walking.Copy !req
414. Will I eventually
get to South ParkCopy !req
415. if I follow this road?Copy !req
416. That road leads to Conifer.Copy !req
417. You want to go to South Park,Copy !req
418. you gotta go down that road.Copy !req
419. Of course, I ain't never seen
anyone go up that road.Copy !req
420. Six years ago a group of campers
went up there and got lost.Copy !req
421. Had to eat each other
to stay alive.Copy !req
422. Used to be the way
to the O'Reilly house.Copy !req
423. He butchered
over 50 childrenCopy !req
424. and kept their bodies
in a cellar.Copy !req
425. But you should find
an old bridge about halfway up.Copy !req
426. That bridge is cursed,
you know.Copy !req
427. They built it with the bones
of 200 Chinese laborersCopy !req
428. who were massacred in '34.Copy !req
429. Yeah, a lot of history
on that road.Copy !req
430. Well, it's my Parents'
anniversary tomorrowCopy !req
431. and they're gonna be awful sad
if I'm not there with them.Copy !req
432. Well, good luck then.Copy !req
433. Oh, jeez.Copy !req
434. Or is South Park
down that road?Copy !req
435. It's so very hard to lose
a loved one, isn't it?Copy !req
436. Yes, it—it sure is.Copy !req
437. Thank goodness we have
each other to share our grief.Copy !req
438. Thank goodness.Copy !req
439. Here he is.Copy !req
440. John, Patsy.Copy !req
441. Hello, Gary.
Great to see you.Copy !req
442. Chris and Linda,Copy !req
443. this is our good friend
Congressman Gary Condit.Copy !req
444. He also lost someone
close to himCopy !req
445. and thinks it has
something to do withCopy !req
446. the same Puerto Rican guy
that hurt our kids.Copy !req
447. We're going to get
that son of a bitch.Copy !req
448. Yes, I sure hope we do.Copy !req
449. I spoke with the F.B.I.,Copy !req
450. and some Puerto Rican guyCopy !req
451. has just made their number one
most wanted.Copy !req
452. Oh, good.
Maybe now they'll catch him.Copy !req
453. Oh, here's another member
of our support group.Copy !req
454. O.J.Copy !req
455. Hey, guys.Copy !req
456. Chris, Linda,
you know O.J. Simpson.Copy !req
457. Oh, sure.Copy !req
458. O.J.'s wife was killed
by some Puerto Rican guy, too.Copy !req
459. Yep, it was some
Puerto Rican guy, alright.Copy !req
460. So you see,
Chris and Linda,Copy !req
461. There are people like you
all over the countryCopy !req
462. who have been affected
by some Puerto Rican guy.Copy !req
463. Hey, let's make
Chris and LindaCopy !req
464. an official part
of the group.Copy !req
465. Yeah!
- Alright!Copy !req
466. One of us.
One of us.Copy !req
467. Gooble gobble.Copy !req
468. One of us. One of us.Copy !req
469. Gooble gobble.
Gooble gobble.Copy !req
470. Gooble gobble.Copy !req
471. One of us.
One of us.Copy !req
472. For family fun
and great food, tooCopy !req
473. come on down to Bennigan'sCopy !req
474. Buffalo wings
and fried cheese sticksCopy !req
475. the best are found
at Bennigan'sCopy !req
476. Ah, hello?Copy !req
477. So, come and eat
at Bennigan'sCopy !req
478. you'll love all our
shenanigansCopy !req
479. Oh, nut sack.Copy !req
480. Oops!Copy !req
481. Everyone knows
it's Butters!Copy !req
482. Well, that's me!Copy !req
483. No, Linda,
because you can't now sayCopy !req
484. that the abductor
was Costa Rican.Copy !req
485. You have to learn
to keep it straight!Copy !req
486. I can't keep it straightCopy !req
487. when you keep inventing
new parts to the story.Copy !req
488. Hey, don't forget
that I'm covering for you!Copy !req
489. Don't forget your lies
started all this.Copy !req
490. My lies may have
been deceitful,Copy !req
491. but your lies cover up
something much more horribleCopy !req
492. than anything I ever did.Copy !req
493. Happy anniversary!Copy !req
494. Not now, Butters.Copy !req
495. Oh, alright then.Copy !req
496. Butters?Copy !req
497. Oh, Butters.
- Son, I don't believe it!Copy !req
498. I'm sorry.Copy !req
499. The car just
rolled into the lakeCopy !req
500. and then floated all the way
down the river.Copy !req
501. Oh, my baby's back!Copy !req
502. I ain't grounded, am I?Copy !req
503. No, no, Butters.Copy !req
504. Oh, Son, we're—Copy !req
505. Oh, we're gonna need you
to tell a little white lieCopy !req
506. about where you've been,
though, alright?Copy !req
507. Lie?Copy !req
508. Oh, yes.Copy !req
509. Darling, you're going to
have to sayCopy !req
510. you don't know
how you got home.Copy !req
511. No, you have to say
that a Puerto Rican manCopy !req
512. dropped you off.Copy !req
513. Oh, who's going to believe
he would just drop him off?Copy !req
514. Hey, you should stop
your hollering.Copy !req
515. It's your anniversary.Copy !req
516. You're the one
who made up the stuffCopy !req
517. about the Puerto Rican,
idiot!Copy !req
518. Stop it,
Mom and Dad.Copy !req
519. Well, you're the one
that couldn't back it upCopy !req
520. with a description,
stupid!Copy !req
521. Now, gosh darn it,
you listen here!Copy !req
522. Now, I am sick of these harmless
lies and little white lies.Copy !req
523. You know, you can call a shovel
an ice cream machine,Copy !req
524. but it's still a shovel,
Mom and Dad.Copy !req
525. And you can call a lie
whatever you wantCopy !req
526. but it's still
a no-good, stinkin' lie.Copy !req
527. And when you start covering up
one lie with another lie,Copy !req
528. why, that's when you get
into real trouble.Copy !req
529. Boy, I—I've just about had it
up to here with you two.Copy !req
530. Butters...Copy !req
531. You're as right as rain.Copy !req
532. You sure are.Copy !req
533. I ain't in trouble
for hollering at you, am I?Copy !req
534. No, Butters, you're the best
son in the whole world,Copy !req
535. and I am so happy
you're alive.Copy !req
536. Well, I'm happy
you're alive too, Mom.Copy !req
537. So now can we
go to Bennigan's?Copy !req
538. You bet, son.Copy !req
539. But Mommy and Daddy have
something they have to do first.Copy !req
540. We have an announcement
to make.Copy !req
541. Our son has been returned to us.Copy !req
542. Oh, alright!Copy !req
543. Butters was missing?Copy !req
544. But that isn't all
we have to say.Copy !req
545. You see, we learned a very
important lesson tonight,Copy !req
546. and it took the smarts
of our young son to show us.Copy !req
547. Yeah!Copy !req
548. We've learned
that deception is wrongCopy !req
549. and that the only thing
to ever make it right againCopy !req
550. is to come clean.Copy !req
551. Yeah!Copy !req
552. You see, I've been deceiving
my wife for several months.Copy !req
553. I was going to gay movie
and bath housesCopy !req
554. and having sex with random men
who were complete strangers.Copy !req
555. Yeah—
wait, what?Copy !req
556. Ha-ho!Copy !req
557. And when I found out
I went crazy.Copy !req
558. I went crazy and I drove my son
into the lake to kill him.Copy !req
559. Uh, kill me?
Jesus Christ!Copy !req
560. Damn, dude.Copy !req
561. So you see, there was no
"some Puerto Rican guy."Copy !req
562. He doesn't exist.Copy !req
563. And so the people
we owe the biggest apology toCopy !req
564. are the Ramseys,
Congressman Condit, and O.J.Copy !req
565. We gave you false hopeCopy !req
566. for finding the person
who hurt those close to you,Copy !req
567. and we're sorry.Copy !req
568. Now we're just happy we won't
have to live a life of secrets.Copy !req
569. For I knew that even though
some of you supported us,Copy !req
570. some others were looking
at me and thinking,Copy !req
571. "you're a liar!
"You're a liar!"Copy !req
572. "You know something
that you're not telling us,Copy !req
573. you slimy scumbag liar!"Copy !req
574. You know, that's what people
would say to me.Copy !req
575. And then people would see
my wife in the supermarket,Copy !req
576. and they would say, "hello,"
but they'd be thinking,Copy !req
577. "ah, there goes that murderer!Copy !req
578. "You got away with murder,Copy !req
579. you murdering,
lying waste of life!"Copy !req
580. And to me, people might
say things like,Copy !req
581. "liar!"Copy !req
582. "Tell us what you know,
you Goddamn liar!"Copy !req
583. And so to both of us,Copy !req
584. people all over town
would be saying things like,Copy !req
585. "you know goddamn well
what happened to your kid,Copy !req
586. "so stop acting
like victimsCopy !req
587. "and confess,
you murdering murderers!"Copy !req
588. "Confess, liar, confess!"Copy !req
589. You know, and that's what people
would be saying to us.Copy !req
590. And, so, we just had to come
forward and tell the truth.Copy !req
591. We're sorry
we lied to you all.Copy !req
592. It won't happen again.Copy !req
593. And now if you'll excuse us,Copy !req
594. this family
has to get to Bennigan's.Copy !req
595. Oh, alright!Copy !req
596. Wow, dude.Copy !req
597. Your dad's a perv
and your mom tried to kill you.Copy !req
598. Yeah.Copy !req
599. Boy, you fellas sure are gonna
rip on me in school now.Copy !req
600. We sure are.Copy !req
601. I really wish
I didn't know that stuff.Copy !req
602. I guess I learned that sometimes
lying can be for the best, yep.Copy !req
603. Oh, well, when I have a chipotle
blue cheese bacon burgerCopy !req
604. at Bennigan's,Copy !req
605. I'll forget all about
my dad being queerCopy !req
606. and my mom trying
to kill me.Copy !req
607. I'm gonna be okay.Copy !req
608. Really?
- No, I'm lying.Copy !req
609. Let's go, Son.Copy !req
610. Coming, Dad!Copy !req
611. Everyone knows
it's Butters!Copy !req
612. Well, that's me!Copy !req