South Park 5x13

1. Alright, Miss Sanders, all ready for your abortion?

2. Ready as I'm ever going to be, I guess.

3. Well, try to relax. It will all be over very soon.

4. Doctor, can we turn off that television?

5. Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

6. Now, there is one more thing.

7. What?

8. Have you heard of stem cell research?

9. I've heard of it on the news, but I don't know what it is.

10. Well, basically a lot of amazing studies have shown

11. that stem cells might be used to fight cancer

12. and a myriad of other diseases.

13. Right now, a lot of stem cells

14. come from the tissue of aborted fetuses—

15. I'm sorry, unwanted children.

16. And if you sign a release, that tissue can go to study.

17. Oh, well, I suppose if it can help others.

18. The hope is that someday it might.

19. Okay.

20. Great.

21. Well, here we go.

22. Nurse.

23. This is to go to Alder's Labs for stem cell research.

24. Yes, Doctor.

25. Jesus Christ!

26. Hmm.

27. What do we have here?

28. Well, that burned a long time.

29. Yeah, that was pretty good.

30. Oh, dude, there goes one.

31. Okay, go.

32. Alright!

33. You've had that cough a while, Kenny; you okay?

34. Hey, fellas. Hey, fellas.

35. What, Butters?

36. Eric says you got to come to his house right away.

37. Tell him we're busy.

38. Oh, well, he knew you'd say that,

39. so he told me to tell you that you don't wanna miss this.

40. What, did he lose 100 pounds?

41. Yeah, yeah, he knew you'd say that too,

42. So he said to say, "up your ass, Jew."

43. Yeah.

44. Alright, let's go see what he wants.

45. Oh, it's all sticky.

46. Alright, Cartman, what's so important

47. you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?

48. You're not gonna believe it. - What?

49. Guess what I have sitting in my backyard.

50. A trampoline?

51. Better. - A boat?

52. Better.

53. A machine?

54. Better.

55. Well, what, Cartman?

56. 33 aborted fetuses.

57. Oh, yes.

58. What?

59. Mint condition, tax-free.

60. Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?

61. I'm leaving right now.

62. Oh, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle.

63. You've never watched the news, fat-ass.

64. And what the hell does that have to do with anything?

65. Stem cells, numb nuts. - Stem cells?

66. Oh, and what do you know about stem cells?

67. What the heck are stem cells?

68. They're cells that come from fetuses,

69. and some research shows that they could be used

70. to treat diseases.

71. It's been proven, Jew.

72. I saw it on 3-2-1Contact.

73. With all the research that's going on,

74. stem cells are worth three times their weight in gold.

75. What I have in my backyard is an aborted treasure chest.

76. I hate you so much.

77. Fine, I don't need you assholes.

78. I can sell these fetuses all on my own.

79. Hello, is this the University of Colorado Biology Department?

80. Great, I understand you're currently doing research

81. on stem cells.

82. Cool, because I'm currently in possession

83. of some aborted fetuses I'm looking to unload.

84. How much do you pay?

85. No, no, come on, I got a guy in Cleveland

86. who's gonna give me $80 a pound right now.

87. How about 100?

88. You're breaking my balls. I'll think about it.

89. Bos-nad Medical Group?

90. Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses.

91. Okay, hi, Randy, yeah.

92. Oh, yes, they've been kept in a cool temperature, yeah.

93. These are primo fetuses, Randy. I wouldn't jerk you around.

94. So what can your company give me for them?

95. Oh, Randy, you're breaking my balls here.

96. You're breaking my balls, Randy.

97. Oh, please.

98. Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses

99. for 70 cents on the dollar.

100. You tell me, Chuck. Yeah, I didn't think so.

101. Y'know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck.

102. I wasn't born yesterday, either.

103. Uh-huh, so are you gonna talk to me,

104. or are we just gonna keep bullshitting each other?

105. Breaking my balls, Chuck.

106. I gotta unload these fetuses. You want to do some research.

107. Are we talking here or what? You're breaking my balls.

108. I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by,

109. you're making a "fetal" mistake.

110. Heh-heh.

111. 110?

112. Alright, alright, we got a deal.

113. Good-bye.

114. Damn, I'm good.

115. Can I help you?

116. Yes, I'm making a delivery of these fetuses here.

117. Oh, right, the fetuses.

118. We were very lucky you called.

119. Our last shipment of fetuses was lost in a truck accident.

120. Gee, that's terrible.

121. So who do I talk to about payment?

122. This is awful, just awful.

123. Oh, Larry.

124. This young man has the new fetuses for research.

125. You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry.

126. They're top-notch.

127. Oh, I'm sorry, but we can't buy those from you now.

128. What? We made a deal, Gary.

129. I brought them all the way down here already.

130. I'm afraid the government has just put a ban

131. on stem cell research.

132. A ban? Why?

133. Too many people were upset about using

134. aborted fetal tissue for study.

135. It's too bad, too.

136. We really could've helped a lot of people.

137. Hey, what the hell am I supposed to do

138. with these things, huh?

139. God damn it!

140. It looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.

141. Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.

142. Alright, class, let's take our seats.

143. Now, before we get started, Stan and Kyle,

144. the principal needs to see you in her office.

145. The principal— oh, come on.

146. We don't know where Cartman is, Miss Choksondik.

147. She needs to see you now.

148. Ah, man, here we go again.

149. Use the Jew as a scapegoat.

150. Hello, boys.

151. Wait, what's going on here?

152. Alright, look, we don't know for sure

153. why Cartman is ditching school,

154. but it has something to do with abortions.

155. That's all we know.

156. You didn't do anything wrong, boys.

157. We just need to talk to you.

158. Have a seat.

159. Boys, uh...

160. Your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay?

161. And, well, he's pretty sick.

162. Kenny's sick?

163. Well, how sick?

164. Children, Kenny has been diagnosed

165. with a terminal disease.

166. But the doctors are gonna make him better, right?

167. Oh, dear.

168. Mom, that's what hospitals are for.

169. They can make him better.

170. Randy.

171. They don't think so, Stanley.

172. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means...

173. Well, son, that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.

174. Wait, Kenny's going to die?

175. He might, Kyle.

176. But he's our f-f-f-friend.

177. We know, and that's why he's gonna need you boys

178. to be strong for him, m'kay.

179. He needs you now more than ever.

180. No, this can't happen.

181. Kenny can't die.

182. Kenny can't die!

183. Come on, Jack, you got to be able

184. to offer me more than that.

185. Yes, I realize there's a ban on stem cell research,

186. but I've got 30-some-odd human fetuses in my backyard.

187. I'm sure there's other research your company can do with them.

188. You'll take one?

189. Okay, how much for one?

190. Oh, Jack, you're breaking my balls here, Jack.

191. Hello, is this Captain Bly's Seafood Restaurant?

192. Yeah, hi, I've got a shipment of about 31

193. of the most succulent shrimp from the West Indies.

194. These are killer shrimp, Gary.

195. Your customers are gonna love 'em.

196. What kind of price are you paying for shrimp?

197. Oh, Gary, you're breaking my balls, Gary.

198. How about 101/4?

199. Balls, Gary, breaking them.

200. Alright, I'll call you back.

201. Sweetie, your friends are downstairs.

202. They need to see you.

203. Not now, Mom; I've only unloaded three fetae.

204. I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil.

205. They say it's an emergency.

206. Alright. Butters?

207. Yeah?

208. Are you through databasing the clientele sheet?

209. Just about.

210. Alright, well, you got to take over

211. the telemarketing for a bit.

212. Oh, okay.

213. Just remember what I taught you

214. and follow protocol.

215. The next number to try is on the list.

216. Right.

217. Uh, hello, is this Mr. Thompson with anatomy research?

218. Yes, uh— hello, sir. Uh.

219. Uh, we have a surplus of unborn fetuses

220. that we think you could use for dissection study.

221. Uh-huh, how much will you pay for that?

222. You're breaking my balls.

223. I said you're breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson.

224. My—my balls.

225. What is this, a P.T.A. Meeting?

226. Cartman, Kenny's in the hospital.

227. In the hospital, why?

228. They told us he has a muscular disease

229. and that, and that he might die.

230. Die? Kenny?

231. Don't you say that. Kenny's not gonna die.

232. I'm going to take the boys to go see him at the hospital, Eric.

233. We thought you might want to come.

234. Yeah, yeah, of course.

235. Let me get my coat.

236. There we go, little buddy.

237. Thank you.

238. You sure you don't want to take your jacket off?

239. It's pretty warm.

240. Hey, look who has some visitors.

241. Ooh, what a lucky little man.

242. We'll be right outside if you need us, Kenny.

243. Hey, dude, how's it going?

244. Okay, I guess.

245. We brought you a present. It's a gobo fighter.

246. Don't tell him what it is, dude.

247. Sorry.

248. Hey, we were all talking about how when you get better,

249. we're all gonna go down to Stark's Pond again

250. and go camping, huh, Stan?

251. I...

252. Stan? Stan. Where you going?

253. I can't. I just can't.

254. Dude, he needs us right now.

255. I can't see him like that, Kyle—

256. All those hoses and wires.

257. He's a kid, dude.

258. He's supposed to be running around and laughing.

259. I know it's tough, but— look at me.

260. I know it's tough, okay, I know.

261. But we have to be tough right now.

262. And what are we supposed to do, huh?

263. Stand in that room and keep making small talk?

264. Make believe like everything's okay?

265. I can't do it.

266. Look, however hard you think it is for you,

267. It's a lot harder for him.

268. Just leave me alone.

269. Stan, you can't leave.

270. I'm not the one who's leaving. He is.

271. Y'know, it's funny, Kenny.

272. Stan and Kyle have always sort of been

273. two best friends, y'know.

274. Well, I don't know if I ever told you this, Kenny—but, um...

275. I kinda always thought you were my best f-friend.

276. I don't know.

277. Yes, you're my best friend, too.

278. Okay, we're gonna need to give Kenny some time to sleep now.

279. Don't you worry, Kenny.

280. I'm gonna find a cure for you.

281. Everything's gonna be okay.

282. Cartman?

283. Oh, Kyle, hey.

284. What's going down, Jew-boy?

285. Cartman, were you crying?

286. No, no, I mean, I—I got something in my eyes.

287. It's the—air in here is just— oh, man.

288. Hey, Cartman.

289. I care a lot about him, too.

290. I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle.

291. I swear to God, I'm gonna find a cure.

292. Sure, you will, Cartman.

293. Sure, you will.

294. This is where the bulk of our stem cell research

295. was being done, but due to the government ban,

296. we're mostly just packing things up.

297. Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?

298. Look, you have trillions of cells in your body:

299. heart cells, skin cells, brain cells, and so on.

300. But before a cell is designated

301. as a toenail cell or a pancreas cell,

302. it's what we call a stem cell, sort of like a blank cell.

303. Do you understand?

304. Not at all, but go on.

305. Because these cells are blanks,

306. they will often program themselves

307. based on what cells you put around them.

308. You see this rat?

309. Earlier this year,

310. We surgically removed the middle of her spine.

311. Then we injected her with some stem cells,

312. and they became the missing part of the spine.

313. My God.

314. Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's Disease

315. or heart tissue of cardiac patients

316. might ultimately be replaced by tissue grown from stem cells.

317. So then could stem cells be used

318. on someone whose muscle tissue is wasting away?

319. In other words,

320. if a little boy was dying from a muscular disease,

321. the stem cells could become new muscle tissue.

322. That's the theory.

323. Well, so then,

324. if the stem cells are placed next to a Shakey's Pizza,

325. they would become another Shakey's Pizza.

326. And you'd have your own Shakey's Pizza

327. where you didn't have to charge yourself to eat.

328. Well, no, to build another Shakey's,

329. it would be better to use lumber.

330. Hmm.

331. But, unfortunately,

332. the government has banned stem cell research.

333. And so... we'll never know.

334. Looks like somebody's gonna have to try

335. and change the government's mind.

336. Where are you going?

337. There's a pretty brave kid fighting for his life

338. in the hospital right now, Doctor.

339. I'm gonna go get him some bigger boxing gloves.

340. Hey, kid...

341. Give 'em hell.

342. Give 'em hell.

343. Oh, Doctor...

344. Thanks... Thanks.

345. Oh, and hey, kid...

346. Good luck... Good luck.

347. Oh, and Doctor... Oh, nevermind.

348. And see? Here's one from Butters.

349. It says, "we can't wait to see you back in school, Kenny."

350. And it has a picture of him and you in a little airplane.

351. Oh, isn't that nice?

352. You've got lots of friends, don't you, Kenny?

353. Yes...

354. And what about Stan?

355. Stan?

356. Oh, well, no, there's nothing here from Stan.

357. But, well, Stan's gonna come see you real soon, I bet, Kenny.

358. I hope so.

359. Hey, look who's here.

360. Stan?

361. Hello, Kenny.

362. I'm Laura Jones, and this is Bob Farren.

363. We're with the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

364. Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice?

365. Make-a-Wish Foundation?

366. We travel the country giving special little

367. boys and girls like you their biggest wish.

368. Neat, huh, Kenny? - Yeah.

369. So, Kenny, if you could have one wish,

370. what would it be?

371. What's your wish, pal?

372. What did he say?

373. He said his wish is not to die.

374. Okay, and what if you could have two wishes?

375. What would the second one be?

376. I know, I bet you'd like to meet Madonna, huh?

377. What was that?

378. He said Madonna's an old, anorexic whore

379. who wore out her welcome years ago

380. and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent,

381. and she thinks she can play guitar,

382. and she should go fuck herself.

383. Should I come in now?

384. Uh, not quite yet.

385. Hello, there, children. - Hey, Chef.

386. How's it going? - Bad.

387. Yeah, things have been better, huh?

388. Why would God let Kenny die, Chef, why?

389. Kenny's my f-friend.

390. Why can't God take someone else's f-f-friend?

391. Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us

392. because it makes him feel better about himself.

393. He's a very vengeful God, Stan.

394. He's all pissed off about something we did

395. thousands of years ago.

396. He just can't get over it.

397. So he doesn't care who he takes:

398. children, puppies— it don't matter to him

399. so long as it makes us sad.

400. Do you understand?

401. But then why does God give us anything to start with?

402. Well, look at it this way.

403. If you want to make a baby cry,

404. first you give it a lollipop, then you take it away.

405. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with,

406. then you would have nothing to cry about.

407. That's like God,

408. who gives us life and love and health

409. just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry.

410. So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears.

411. You see, it's our tears, Stan,

412. that give God his great power.

413. I think I understand.

414. My name is Eric Cartman, and I live in Colorado.

415. My best friend in the whole world is Kenny MCcormick,

416. and he's sick right now.

417. He's real sick.

418. He's only eight years old,

419. and the doctors don't think he has very long to live.

420. Look, I realize that using the tissue

421. from aborted fetuses for research is a touchy subject,

422. but all I know is that if there's a chance, a chance,

423. that stem cell research could save my best friend's life,

424. well, I guess I owe it to him to try and change your minds.

425. I love Kenny McCormick, and...

426. and I want you to love him, too.

427. I'm sorry. I'm not the best speaker in the world.

428. Maybe I could put it best in the words of a timeless song.

429. And so you see, now that the ban

430. on stem cell research has been lifted,

431. we can sell your fetus to companies like Alder Labs.

432. Oh, I don't know.

433. Look, I can offer you $75 for that fetus right now, Jill.

434. $75? Well, alright.

435. Great, just sign right here, please.

436. Hi, having an abortion today?

437. Great, listen—if you'd like to sell your abortion for research,

438. I'm offering $75.

439. Help you out a little bit with your medical bill in there.

440. Why don't you sign right here?

441. Excuse me, ma'am,

442. Can I interest you in selling your aborted fetus?

443. We're not going to the abortion clinic.

444. I'm gonna have this baby.

445. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,

446. because there's a little boy dying in a hospital right now

447. who could sure use that baby more than you could.

448. The stem cells from your fetus could help save his life.

449. Oh, well, I guess we can always

450. just make another one.

451. Oh, Mark, I love you.

452. Alright.

453. Now Kenny has a fighting chance.

454. Young man, do you know where you're going?

455. Yeah, I'm gonna see my friend,

456. because he needs me right now.

457. Alright.

458. Go, kid. - Good for you.

459. Hey, Kenny.

460. Oh, no.

461. No.

462. He just— he just stopped breathing.

463. And it was over.

464. But... I didn't get to see him.

465. Kyle, I didn't get to say good-bye.

466. Did he say anything before he went?

467. He just said... "where's Stan?"

468. And so we will all miss Kenny;

469. his playful laughter, his innocent smile.

470. But we will never forget that it was because of brave Kenny

471. that stem cell research was allowed to continue.

472. I let Kenny down.

473. I'm his worst f-f-friend.

474. You guys, come quick.

475. What, Cartman?

476. It's—why, it's a miracle, you guys...

477. What, Cartman? What's happened?

478. Look.

479. I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had

480. next to Shakey's,

481. and they are replicating a new Shakey's.

482. It worked.

483. This whole time,

484. you were just using Kenny's illness

485. to lift the ban on stem cell research

486. so you could sell your stupid fetuses?

487. Stupid fetuses? It's my own Shakey's.

488. I actually hugged you.

489. I held you in my arms and cried with you.

490. I figure I only need 100 or so more aborted babies,

491. and I can finish up the kitchen.

492. Aaah!

493. Ahh, Kyle.

494. Kyle.

495. Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-friend.

496. Cartman was.