South Park 9x7

Directed by Trey Parker

All the kids are getting ready for the big South Park Elementary Talent Show and Jimmy can’t wait to perform his new comedy routines. But lately, just like generations of little boys before him, Jimmy’s noticed that one of his body parts has a mind of its own. Knowing he can’t get up in front of the entire school in an excited state, Jimmy must find a way to gain control of his raging hormones in time to perform in the show.

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1. Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

2. M'kay, kids, as your counselor,

3. I know it can sometimes be difficult to talk about subjects

4. like drugs and sex and alcohol, m'kay.

5. So, as you remember, last week I told you to write down

6. any difficult questions you had

7. and put them in this box, anonymously,

8. so we could discuss those questions in class, m'kay.

9. I got a lot of responses, so let's read some aloud.

10. "Mr. Mackey is gay."

11. M'kay, kids, that is not funny, m'kay.

12. This box is supposed to be used for serious questions about —

13. about serious issues, m'kay.

14. Let's stop the tomfoolery.

15. M'kay, let's look at a real one here.

16. "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay."

17. All right, all right. That's enough, kids.

18. Let's quiet down and try to be mature, m'kay.

19. Here we go, m'kay.

20. "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me.

21. And you are gay."

22. Damn it, is there not one serious question in here?

23. "Mr. Mackey is gay."

24. "Mr. Mackey is gay."

25. M'kay, here.

26. "I am a boy at South Park Elementary.

27. Sometimes when I am sitting in class,

28. my penis becomes hard for no reason.

29. What should I do?"

30. All right, k— All right, kids! That's enough!

31. If you all can't be serious about the question box,

32. then we'll just do drug- identification exercises, m'kay.

33. Aww!

34. M'kay, Jimmy, why don't you come up here

35. and write down the name of two narcotics?

36. Uh, no. T-That's okay, Mr. Mackey.

37. Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.

38. Uh, just, uh, not right this second, Mr. Mackey.

39. Well, why the hell not?

40. Uh...

41. It's what?

42. Oh, you do?

43. R-Right now? Right now it is?

44. M'kay. M'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy.

45. M'kay, uh, let's pick someone else.

46. Uh, Eric, why don't you come up here?

47. Hey, that's bullcrap! How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?

48. Well, because Jimmy's pitching a tent right now.

49. He's what?

50. - Whoa! - Wow!

51. A $100 gift certificate to South Park Mall?

52. Maybe we should do the talent show.

53. What's the point?

54. Jimmy always wins with his stand-up comedy.

55. - Hey, fellas. - Did you see, Jimmy?

56. They're giving away a $100 first prize for the talent show.

57. Oh, I sure have.

58. I've been working on my r-routine all year long.

59. I don't know how you do it, dude.

60. How do you get up in front of that many people?

61. Well, fellas, entertainment is my life.

62. I love being in front of everyone.

63. - Aah! - What's the matter?

64. G-Got to go! See you, fellas!

65. E-excuse me! E-Exc— Excuse me!

66. Excuse me, p-please!

67. It's occupied.

68. No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.

69. Hey, Jimmy!

70. Boy, did you see that first prize for the talent show?

71. You must be excited. You'll probably win like always.

72. Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited.

73. Real excited, for some reason.

74. Oh, Jesus. What's wrong with me?

75. Hey! Who's dropping bombs in there?

76. How about a courtesy flush?

77. Up yours, Butters.

78. Hey, Jimmy. How was school?

79. Fine, Mom.

80. Jimmy, we understand

81. you're getting erections in the classroom.

82. What? W-Who told you that?

83. Mr. Mackey, your counselor.

84. Aw, J-J-Jesus!

85. Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

86. But we know it's something

87. you might have a hard time talking about.

88. Get it? A hard time.

89. So we took your counselor's advice

90. and called Dr. Pal to help us all talk about this.

91. D-Dr. Pal?

92. Hey, Jimmy, I'm Dr. Pal!

93. That's because I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal.

94. - Are we cool? - Uh, sure?

95. Lot of times parents call me in

96. because I can relate to younger kids.

97. I'm down. I'm dope. You dig?

98. I understand you have some concerns about erections.

99. Oop! Can't say "erection" in front of the parents.

100. Oh, God. It feels so weird, huh?

101. Well, a little, yes.

102. Jimmy, there is nothing weird about random erections.

103. Almost every boy goes through a phase

104. where his penis becomes hard for no particular reason.

105. It's just part of growing up.

106. Growing up? Growing out is more like it.

107. Oh!

108. But I have to make it stop.

109. The talent show is this F-Friday.

110. Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skedaddle for a tick

111. and let us hipsters talk in privo?

112. All right. Come on, honey.

113. Jimmy, as you get older,

114. your body goes through a lot of changes.

115. Certain hormones start to release

116. as your whole reproductive system begins to awaken.

117. And so if you like, we can take off our shirts and kiss.

118. C-Come again?

119. Oh! Hey! Nothing! You see? See?

120. That sent you off on a different tangent,

121. got you thinking a different way.

122. That's what Dr. Pal is here to do —

123. unless you think we should take off our shirts and kiss.

124. N-No, I do not want to take off our shirts and kiss.

125. Then to hell with you, kid.

126. You can just deal with your problems on your own.

127. Next up for the talent show, put your hands together

128. for the incredibly talented Jimmy Valmer!

129. Wow. What — What a great audience.

130. So, apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail.

131. Have you heard about this? Have you seen this?

132. She's very excited to get started on her new show —

133. "Martha Stewart Living With an Electronic Ankle Bracelet."

134. So, it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new pope.

135. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?

136. Uh, apparently they're going to call him New Pope

137. and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Classic.

138. Uh, so it — so it looks like Michael Jackson

139. was having back problems in court.

140. You — Uh, you know what they say about b-b-back problems.

141. Uh — Uh, gee, what a — what a terrific audience.

142. W-What a fantastic audience.

143. Don't worry, Jimmy, we're not laughing with you.

144. We're laughing at you.

145. Oh. Oh, hey, Jimmy.

146. I'm just practicing for the talent show.

147. Butters, I really need to talk to somebody,

148. and I think you're the only person who won't make fun of me.

149. Oh, gosh. I'd never make fun of somebody with a problem.

150. Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do

151. when your penis gets hard?

152. Well, sure I do.

153. Really?

154. Yes. Sit down, Jimmy. We should have a little talk.

155. You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard,

156. the man puts it into a lady, into her vagina.

157. Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tummy,

158. and after it's all done sneezing milk,

159. the penis stops being hard

160. and the man loses interest in the lady.

161. So when your penis becomes hard,

162. you're supposed to put it in a lady's vagina,

163. and then it stops being hard?

164. That's right, Jimmy.

165. But where am I gonna find a lady to stick my penis in?

166. The talent show is this Friday.

167. Talk to you, Bertha.

168. Okay. See you later, Jessie.

169. Hey, Bertha.

170. Oh. Hey, Jimmy. What's going on?

171. Well, Bertha, I was wondering

172. if I could stick my penis in your vagina.

173. What? No way!

174. But the talent show is tomorrow.

175. Jerk!

176. Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man?

177. I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like?

178. You don't just go up to a girl

179. and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina.

180. You have to ask her on a date,

181. take her out for some Italian food.

182. Wow. Seems like you know a lot about this stuff, Eric.

183. - Have you gotten laid before? - Sure, lots of times.

184. I've been laid like 5,000 times.

185. Well, w-what do I do?

186. I told you — a date and then Italian food.

187. Then you got to make her think you're a good listener.

188. Eric, I can't tell you why,

189. but it's very important that I score tonight.

190. Can you come on the date and help me?

191. You're like a white Hitch.

192. Sure. They do this all the time in movies and TV shows.

193. You go on the date and wear an earpiece,

194. and I'll be nearby,

195. secretly be telling you all the right things to say.

196. Wow. Thanks, Eric.

197. Shauna, honey, I think your little date is here.

198. Okay, Mom!

199. Hey, Shauna.

200. Hi, Jimmy.

201. Okay, Jimmy. First off, tell her how good she looks.

202. Wow, Shauna. You look f-fantastic.

203. Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?

204. We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant —

205. Buca di Faggocini.

206. Welcome to Buca di Faggocini

207. for the authentico experience Italiano.

208. My name is Roma.

209. Can I start you out with some Lotsa Pasta Macaroni Minis?

210. Uh, I think we're gonna try

211. your authentic Pizzarelli Calzona Poppers.

212. Right away.

213. You know that girl Sally Brahmen at our school?

214. - I can't stand her. - Jimmy. Jimmy!

215. Jimmy, even though what she's saying isn't interesting at all,

216. you say, "Wow.

217. That is very interesting. Please tell me more."

218. Wow. That is very interesting. Please tell me more.

219. Really?

220. Well, Kelly bought the same purse, and I was like,

221. "No way do I want it now," because who wants a purse

222. that both their best friends have, right, and so...

223. Now, when she stops yapping again, say, "Wow.

224. I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right."

225. I guess that's why I figured, who needs friends like that?

226. Wow. I've never thought of it that way before,

227. but you're right.

228. It's like I told Debbie,

229. if you're gonna go out with my friend...

230. Jimmy, when she finally shuts her trap again,

231. I want you to repeat whatever she said

232. and then follow it with, "Wow. How insightful."

233. And if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend!

234. "If you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend."

235. Wow. How insightful.

236. You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener.

237. Really?

238. Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate like you do.

239. Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shauna,

240. because I really want to stick my penis in your vagina.

241. Yes. Nice, Jimmy. Very nice.

242. What? I'm not doing that!

243. But the talent show is tomorrow night.

244. Creep!

245. Ugh!

246. Aah!

247. Welcome, students and parents,

248. to the annual South Park Elementary talent show.

249. We have a lot of little talented performers to get through,

250. so the quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be over.

251. First up, we have Billy Turner from the third grade,

252. who will be doing an alto-sax solo.

253. Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?

254. Oh.

255. Hi, Officer B-B-B-B-Barbrady.

256. Jimmy, what are you doing out here?

257. The talent show is inside.

258. I'm not gonna perform in the talent show.

259. Not perform?

260. But, Jimmy, you love talent shows.

261. Everyone in town knows that.

262. I just can't risk getting up in front of everyone.

263. Why?

264. All right! I keep getting an erection for no reason, okay?

265. But I can't get any of the girls here to let me do it to 'em.

266. Well, of course not, Jimmy.

267. Little girls don't want to have sex.

268. Then why does God make it so that my penis gets hard

269. if girls don't want to have it in their v-vaginas?

270. It's like a cruel joke.

271. Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure.

272. They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point.

273. C-Colfax Point?

274. Well, yeah. Those women will have sex with anybody.

275. Really?

276. M-Maybe I can catch the bus and get down there

277. before the talent show ends.

278. T-Thanks, Officer Barbrady.

279. You're welcome, Jim.

280. Wait.

281. Colfax Point.

282. Pimps and hoes and tricks in rows.

283. Women walk the streets with corns on their feets.

284. Broken dreams and no ice creams.

285. You lookin' for a date?

286. Hello? Hello?

287. I need to put my p-penis in a woman's vagina.

288. Any takers?

289. Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name?

290. They call me Nutgobbler.

291. Well, Nutgobbler, I need to get laid.

292. Huh?

293. I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit,

294. and the talent show has already started.

295. You a cop?

296. No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.

297. - You got money? - Sure do.

298. All right. You got a place to go?

299. Sure. I know the perfect place.

300. Welcome to Buca di Faggocini

301. for the authentic experienco Italiano.

302. My name is Roma, and —

303. Oh, it's nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer.

304. Hey, can it, jackass.

305. I don't want her to know I was just here with a different girl.

306. Oh, right. Pardon, signore.

307. I'll come back with some Garlic Bread Mediterranean.

308. What are we doin', anyway?

309. This is authentic Italian food straight from S-Sicily.

310. You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Rolls.

311. I can't eat too much.

312. I've got an infected urinary tract.

313. I've been pissing blood for a week.

314. Oh. Uh, wow. That is very interesting.

315. Please tell me more.

316. Huh? Well, that's it.

317. I just piss blood, so I have to stick a tampon up my pee hole.

318. Wow. You know, I've never thought of it that way before,

319. but you're right.

320. If you're pissing blood, you can shove a tampon up your pee hole.

321. You are very insightful. Please tell me more.

322. Look, kid, what are you doing? You want to get laid or not?

323. Of course I want to get laid.

324. That's why I'm taking you to this fancy place

325. and pretending to be interested in what you have to say.

326. Kid, I'm a hooker.

327. You don't have to take me to dinner or be nice to me.

328. What? F-For real?

329. You paid me, so you get to do me.

330. - It's that simple. - Well, jumpin' Jesus.

331. What are we wasting our time here for, then?

332. The talent show is happening right now.

333. Let's get to r-r-rammin'.

334. What you doin', ho? Having dinner?

335. You're supposed to be working for me!

336. It's where the trick wanted to go, you bastard!

337. Trick? I ain't stupid!

338. Ain't no trick gonna take you out to dinner.

339. This pimp is trying to steal you away from me.

340. This is my ho!

341. I beg to differ with you, sir.

342. I paid for her and took her out to dinner.

343. She's my ho.

344. Oh, Jesus.

345. You got a problem, bitch?

346. Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact.

347. I've spent all my money on this ho,

348. and she's now my only shot at getting laid,

349. and the talent show is only a couple hours from being over.

350. You're coming home right now!

351. Aah! Let go of my hair, you son of a bitch!

352. Sir? Sir, that is my ho.

353. I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!

354. Sir. Sir!

355. Oof.

356. Son of a b-b-bitch!

357. Taxi!

358. Follow that p-pimp and ho.

359. - Where are you taking me? - I'm gonna kill you, ho!

360. No! Please! Q Money, I'm sorry!

361. You're already dead, ho!

362. Sir, I paid for that lady, and by taking her,

363. you are no better than a common thief.

364. you, punk.

365. Nutgobbler, grab on to my crutch!

366. Get your ass back in here, ho!

367. Aah!

368. I got you, Nutgobbler.

369. Aah!

370. Okay.

371. That was the goth kids with "Talent Shows Are for Fags."

372. That was killer. We showed them.

373. Yeah. I hope we win.

374. Aah!

375. Come on, ho!

376. Aah!

377. Look out!

378. Huh?

379. Huh?

380. Aah!

381. No!

382. Stay on him! I'm not giving up!

383. Ta-da!

384. Okay. Very nice, Clark and Laura.

385. Very nice.

386. Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song.

387. There's our boy.

388. Oh, no!

389. No, no, no! No!

390. Okay. Thank you, Butters. Very nice. Short and sweet.

391. God damn! This pimp just don't give up!

392. Get next to him.

393. How much do I owe you?

394. $6.24.

395. C-Can I just get $2 back, please?

396. Oh. Thank you very much.

397. There you go. Have a good 'un.

398. Thank you.

399. Aah!

400. You're gonna pay for this, bitch!

401. No! Help!

402. Aah!

403. Don't worry, Nutgobbler. I'm coming.

404. Oh, Jesus. Not now.

405. Oh, boy. This is embarrassing.

406. And now we have Eric Cartman, who will be doing

407. select readings from the movie "Scarface."

408. You know what you are?

409. You're all a bunch of cockroaches.

410. You need people like me.

411. You need people like me so you can point your fingers

412. and say, "That's the bad guy."

413. So say good night to the bad guy.

414. That's my little boy.

415. Please, Q Money! Don't do this!

416. I told you never to turn on me, ho!

417. Hey, j-j-jackass.

418. I'm sorry I resorted to calling you jackass just now,

419. but I'm very upset.

420. And what are you gonna do, huh?

421. I got four feet on you and a gun.

422. What do you have?

423. What do I have? The weapon of comedy.

424. So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese

425. aren't getting along lately.

426. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?

427. - What? - I'll tell you one thing.

428. Their food hasn't been getting along with my stomach for years.

429. That's pretty good.

430. Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you seen this?

431. Have you heard about this?

432. Oh, yeah. That's right. She is.

433. She's apparently gotten good at baking cakes with keys in them.

434. Serves you right, you son of a bitch!

435. Nice teamwork, Nutgobbler.

436. I can't believe you chased me all this way.

437. You — You really care about me.

438. Not really. You're just a hooker, and I need to get laid.

439. The talent show could be over any minute.

440. That's good enough for me.

441. Take me to bed.

442. Okay. Very nice, Ike. Thank you.

443. All right, children.

444. It looks like we have no more contestants,

445. which means the talent show is over!

446. Mr. Mackey, it's over.

447. Wha— Oh, all — all right.

448. Now we will tally up the judges' scores

449. and find out which act they hated the least.

450. Hold everything.

451. Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind,

452. I'll be taking that microphone.

453. Okay. Let's put our hands together for Jimmy Valmer.

454. Wow. What a terrific audience.

455. So, apparently it's been exactly two years

456. since the fall of Baghdad.

457. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?

458. Just as B-Bush predicted,

459. Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell.

460. The only thing that didn't fall — the price of gas.

461. I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan.

462. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?

463. Yeah. I guess in China you don't get —

464. You've got to be kidding me.