1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
2. Mom! Mom, get up!
We have to go!Copy !req
3. Mom, get up!Copy !req
4. Oh, poopykins, it's very early.Copy !req
5. Mom, I told you —Copy !req
6. The new Sony PSP game machine
goes on sale at 7:00 a.m. today.Copy !req
7. I have to be the first
to get one.Copy !req
8. Come on!Copy !req
9. Sweetie, can't we go
after school?Copy !req
10. Everyone's moms are taking
their kids after school.Copy !req
11. We're outsmarting everyoneCopy !req
12. by getting to the store
right when it opens.Copy !req
13. Let's go!Copy !req
14. I can't wait to see
the look on everyone's facesCopy !req
15. when I show up to school
with a PSP.Copy !req
16. I wonder if Kyle will cry.Copy !req
17. Oh, please, let Kyle cry.Copy !req
18. What the hell?Copy !req
19. Kenny, when did you get here?Copy !req
20. Mrph rm.Copy !req
21. Friday?
Aw, Jesus!Copy !req
22. I'll just...
sort of get in — in here.Copy !req
23. Hey, dickhole,
what do you think you're doing?Copy !req
24. Uh, my friend Kenny was saving
my place in line.Copy !req
25. There's no saving places,
fourthie.Copy !req
26. Get to the back
or we'll beat your face in.Copy !req
27. Oh, God damn it!Copy !req
28. They'd better not sell out.Copy !req
29. That thing is pretty cool.
What games did you get with it?Copy !req
30. It's a game called
Heaven vs. Hell.Copy !req
31. Kenny commands the armies
of heavenCopy !req
32. against the forces of Satan.Copy !req
33. Dude, you see what Kenny got?Copy !req
34. Yes, yes! I know!
Up yours, Kyle!Copy !req
35. W-What'd I do?Copy !req
36. Just shut your Jew mouth!Copy !req
37. Congratulations!
You have reached level 9.Copy !req
38. Wow!
Level 9 already?Copy !req
39. Dude, you kick ass
at Heaven vs. Hell.Copy !req
40. Yeah, Kenny finally found
something he's really good at.Copy !req
41. Kenny?Copy !req
42. Kenny, are you still playing
with that thing?Copy !req
43. Kenny, it's been two weeks,
and you've done nothing else.Copy !req
44. Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
45. Who cares if you almost made it
to level 60?Copy !req
46. You're wasting your life, Kenny!Copy !req
47. If you died tomorrow, what would
you have to show for it?Copy !req
48. You're gonna end up wishing
you'd done more with your life,Copy !req
49. just like your deadbeat father!Copy !req
50. Hey, I heard that, bitch!Copy !req
51. I wasn't talking to you,
asshole!Copy !req
52. How about I come in there
and kick your teeth in?Copy !req
53. I'd like to see you try!Copy !req
54. You have to smart
off to me in my own house?Copy !req
55. It's my house, too,
you no-good loser!Copy !req
56. You have reached level 60!Copy !req
57. Mrph!Copy !req
58. Mrph rm!
Mrph rmhmhm!Copy !req
59. Mrph rmhmhm —Copy !req
60. Oh, yeah!
Level 4! Sweet!Copy !req
61. Mrph rmhmhm rm.Copy !req
62. Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
63. Mrph rm!
Mrph rm!Copy !req
64. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
65. Mrph rm!Copy !req
66. Open the gate!Copy !req
67. Open the gate!Copy !req
68. Welcome to the kingdom
of heaven, Kenny.Copy !req
69. I am Peter.Copy !req
70. Mrph rmh mrph rmphm?Copy !req
71. There isn't much time, Kenny.Copy !req
72. You are dead,
but your death was no accident.Copy !req
73. Heaven needs you.Copy !req
74. Mrph?Copy !req
75. Come.
There's much to discuss.Copy !req
76. Things are not good in heaven,
Kenny.Copy !req
77. Satan is planning
a massive attack,Copy !req
78. and he knows we are too few
in number to stop him.Copy !req
79. God has changed the rules here.Copy !req
80. For ages, only Mormons
were allowed into heaven.Copy !req
81. - Hey!
- Hi there!Copy !req
82. - Hello!
- Oh, hi!Copy !req
83. But knowing that hell
was becoming much larger,Copy !req
84. God decided to let
more people cross overCopy !req
85. so that he could build
an army as well —Copy !req
86. an army that you must command.Copy !req
87. Mrph rm?Copy !req
88. The Sony PSP was built by God
to determine who on earthCopy !req
89. had the best skills to defeat
the armies of Satan.Copy !req
90. You are the best.Copy !req
91. You are the only hope
for the universe.Copy !req
92. Satan's army grows as we speak.Copy !req
93. The dark lord knows that
our armies are few in numberCopy !req
94. and unorganized, so our only
hope is perfect strategy.Copy !req
95. A child?
This is God's solution?Copy !req
96. He beat Satan's army in over
3,000 separate simulations.Copy !req
97. Archangel Michael, what say you?Copy !req
98. The child did something
none of us could —Copy !req
99. reach level 60 on the PSP.Copy !req
100. I don't know if that's luck
or perseverance,Copy !req
101. but it's goddamned impressive.Copy !req
102. All right, Kenny, let me show
you what we're up against.Copy !req
103. This is the kingdom of heaven.Copy !req
104. Satan's army will attack
the gates here.Copy !req
105. They are 10 billion in number,
maybe more.Copy !req
106. Our armies are here, here,
and here —Copy !req
107. just under 10,000 strong.Copy !req
108. We are outnumbered
and in need of someoneCopy !req
109. who can single-handedly bring
the whole dark empire down.Copy !req
110. Basically, Kenny,
you are Keanu Reeves.Copy !req
111. My fellow damned souls,
now is the time for our assault.Copy !req
112. You know no fear!Copy !req
113. You will drink the blood
of angels!Copy !req
114. We go now!
Nothing can stop us!Copy !req
115. Move aside!
Step aside, I say!Copy !req
116. Satan, God has mocked Thee
once again.Copy !req
117. My spy.Copy !req
118. God has found a way
to defeat your army.Copy !req
119. Impossible. How?Copy !req
120. A young man.Copy !req
121. Basically, he —
he's like Keanu Reeves.Copy !req
122. Oh, Jesus Christ.Copy !req
123. My lord.
My lord, we must attack now.Copy !req
124. What's the point?
They have a Keanu Reeves now.Copy !req
125. Do not fear, my lord.
Your army is great.Copy !req
126. Very well.Copy !req
127. Demon army,
begin your march on heaven.Copy !req
128. Up here you get
the best tactical viewCopy !req
129. to protect the fortress.Copy !req
130. It is from here, Kenny,Copy !req
131. that you shall command
the armies of heaven.Copy !req
132. Mrph?
Mrph rmh rmphm?Copy !req
133. Simple.Copy !req
134. You will use... this.Copy !req
135. This golden PSP
is king of all PSPs.Copy !req
136. Hail the Holy PSP.Copy !req
137. It works just like the ones
we sent to earth.Copy !req
138. All the commands you makeCopy !req
139. will be sent to the troops
down on the battlefield.Copy !req
140. All you have to do
is play the game, Kenny.Copy !req
141. Only this time, it's for reals.Copy !req
142. Gabriel returns with news.Copy !req
143. Hell's army is departing.Copy !req
144. They head now
for the gates of heaven.Copy !req
145. Prepare the troops!
We must be ready for them!Copy !req
146. The time is at hand, Kenny.Copy !req
147. The stage is set,
and the final battleCopy !req
148. between heaven and hell
is about to begin!Copy !req
149. The fate of the outcome
is in your hands.Copy !req
150. Where'd he go?Copy !req
151. Doctor!
Doctor, we have a pulse!Copy !req
152. Then that's it!
We've brought him back.Copy !req
153. Amazing, Doctor.Copy !req
154. You've revived somebodyCopy !req
155. who's been legally dead
for almost a day.Copy !req
156. Call the parents.Copy !req
157. They're going to be shocked
to find out their son is alive.Copy !req
158. It's the latest
in electroplastilical science.Copy !req
159. Your son's organs
are all functioning again.Copy !req
160. It's a miracle.Copy !req
161. Kenny, you're alive.Copy !req
162. I'm afraid he can't respond
to you.Copy !req
163. You see,
being dead for that long,Copy !req
164. most of Kenny's brain cells died
from lack of oxygen.Copy !req
165. Your son is aliveCopy !req
166. but in what we call
a persistive vegetative state.Copy !req
167. Will he ever recover?Copy !req
168. I'm afraid no.Copy !req
169. Brain cells cannot be repaired
once dead.Copy !req
170. But his soul is still in here.Copy !req
171. Almost trapped in here,
if you will.Copy !req
172. Kenny is the same
as he ever was.Copy !req
173. It's just that now
he's more like... a tomato.Copy !req
174. He can't move on his own?
How will he eat?Copy !req
175. A feeding tube.Copy !req
176. It pumps a nutrient paste
directly into Kenny's stomach.Copy !req
177. With it we can actually keep
Kenny the tomatoCopy !req
178. alive for years.Copy !req
179. A feeding tube?Copy !req
180. Yes. Apparently they're using
machines to keep him alive.Copy !req
181. But that's not natural!Copy !req
182. God intended Kenny to die!
What are these people doing?Copy !req
183. The child's soul is now trapped
inside his vegetative body.Copy !req
184. We have no one to command
the troops with the PSP.Copy !req
185. And Satan's armies
are approaching.Copy !req
186. Oh, God damn it.Copy !req
187. Boys, I want to thank you
for coming down to my officeCopy !req
188. on such short notice.Copy !req
189. Are we in trouble or something?Copy !req
190. No.
Boys, I'm a lawyer.Copy !req
191. Your friend Kenny passed away,Copy !req
192. and I've called you here
to read his will.Copy !req
193. Kenny had a will?Copy !req
194. "In the highly likely event
of my death,Copy !req
195. I, Kenny McCormick,
wish to leave all my belongingsCopy !req
196. to my good friends Stan
and Kyle.Copy !req
197. Dudes, you were the best friends
a guy could have."Copy !req
198. Oh, wow.Copy !req
199. That's... really touching.Copy !req
200. Fags.Copy !req
201. "To Eric Cartman —
Eric, I never really liked you.Copy !req
202. But, then, nobody does.Copy !req
203. You have no ability to feel,Copy !req
204. and you are going to die alone
and miserable.Copy !req
205. It is only because I feel
so sorry for youCopy !req
206. that I leave you my Sony PSP."Copy !req
207. Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah, baby!Copy !req
208. Who's the man?
Who's the man?Copy !req
209. "There is one more thing
I would like to ask you allCopy !req
210. as my friends.Copy !req
211. If I should ever be
in a vegetative stateCopy !req
212. and kept alive on life support,
please..."Copy !req
213. Please what?Copy !req
214. I don't know.
I lost the last page.Copy !req
215. Who cares?
Kenny's dead!Copy !req
216. When do I take possession
of my PSP, sir?Copy !req
217. It's right here, along with
Kenny's other belongings.Copy !req
218. They're all yours.Copy !req
219. Yes.Copy !req
220. - He's alive!
- What?Copy !req
221. Kenny McCormick!
He's alive at the hospital!Copy !req
222. Oh, my God!Copy !req
223. Your army nears
the kingdom of heaven, my lord.Copy !req
224. I don't know
if we should continueCopy !req
225. without knowing more
about this Keanu Reeves God has.Copy !req
226. Satan, I come bearing good news.Copy !req
227. The Keanu Reeves boy
has been revived on earth.Copy !req
228. His soul is no longer in heaven.Copy !req
229. Then God is helpless.Copy !req
230. Full march
to the gates of heaven!Copy !req
231. Victory is ours!Copy !req
232. Kenny?Copy !req
233. Kenny, you're alive!Copy !req
234. Dude, how'd you do that?Copy !req
235. He can't respond to you, boys.Copy !req
236. Being dead for that long caused
severe damage to his brain.Copy !req
237. Well —
Well, then he's not alive.Copy !req
238. He's alive.
He smiled when I talked to him.Copy !req
239. I think.Copy !req
240. That's not Kenny!Copy !req
241. Kenny sniffs paint and sets
things on fire. Here. Look.Copy !req
242. Kenny? Kenny, look.
You want a dollar?Copy !req
243. I don't know if it's rightCopy !req
244. to keep Kenny alive
on that machine.Copy !req
245. I-I just — I don't know
what he would want.Copy !req
246. Yeah.
The lawyer lost that page.Copy !req
247. Oh, I just remembered!Copy !req
248. Kenny told me this one timeCopy !req
249. that he wouldn't want to be
kept alive by a feeding tube.Copy !req
250. He did?
When?Copy !req
251. Um, it was, um, this one time.Copy !req
252. He did not say that.Copy !req
253. You just want him dead
so you can have his stupid PSP!Copy !req
254. Stupid?
PSP is stupid?Copy !req
255. Did you all hear that?Copy !req
256. I mean — I mean
this isn't about PSP, Kyle.Copy !req
257. This is about my friend
and his wishes.Copy !req
258. And Kenny said he didn't want to
live like this.Copy !req
259. - He did not!
- Did so!Copy !req
260. - Did not!
- Fine!Copy !req
261. We'll see about this,
you frickin' Jew!Copy !req
262. I'm gonna get that
feeding tube removedCopy !req
263. if I have to go all the way
to the Supreme Court!Copy !req
264. Satan's army has crossed over
the plains of limbo.Copy !req
265. Then they will be here
on the morrow.Copy !req
266. Without Kenny's soul here,Copy !req
267. there will be nobody
who can use the Holy PSP.Copy !req
268. No!
There is another.Copy !req
269. A Japanese boy did make it
to level 59.Copy !req
270. Are you stupid, Uriel?Copy !req
271. Japanese people
don't have souls.Copy !req
272. - Yeah!
- Yeah!Copy !req
273. - Yeah!
- Yeah, Uriel.Copy !req
274. Oh, right, right.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
275. Kenny remains our only hope.
Here is what we must do.Copy !req
276. Gabriel and Uriel,
you go down to earthCopy !req
277. and try to get
that feeding tube removed.Copy !req
278. In the meantime...Copy !req
279. we will put all our troops
at heaven's gate.Copy !req
280. We will try to keep hell's army
from breaking throughCopy !req
281. as long as possible.Copy !req
282. Hopefully,
it will be long enoughCopy !req
283. to get our Keanu Reeves back.Copy !req
284. You see, Your Honors,
I was the only oneCopy !req
285. that Kenny McCormick
told his wishes to.Copy !req
286. And Kenny told me specificallyCopy !req
287. that he would never want to be
kept alive on machines.Copy !req
288. What they are doing to him
is not right.Copy !req
289. Well, I'm sorry, young man,Copy !req
290. but the parents want
their child kept alive.Copy !req
291. I don't believe you have
any legal authority here.Copy !req
292. I do have legal authority,
Your Honor.Copy !req
293. You see, I was Kenny's BFF.Copy !req
294. Best friends forever?Copy !req
295. That's right.Copy !req
296. Kenny and I have been BFFs
since first grade.Copy !req
297. Here. Look.Copy !req
298. Kenny has the other half
of this BFF necklace.Copy !req
299. I believe you all know
what that meansCopy !req
300. and how serious this is.Copy !req
301. Look, Kenny. Your friends
are here to visit you again.Copy !req
302. But this just doesn't
seem right.Copy !req
303. W-What's the matter, Doctor?Copy !req
304. I'm afraid I've been given
a court orderCopy !req
305. to remove Kenny's feeding tube.Copy !req
306. What?Copy !req
307. He's right in here.Copy !req
308. Cartman!Copy !req
309. Kenny's BFF saysCopy !req
310. that Kenny didn't want to be
kept alive artificially.Copy !req
311. The courts have determined
we must obey his wish.Copy !req
312. Cartman is not Kenny's BFF!Copy !req
313. Sir, take a look at this.Copy !req
314. That's all the verification
we need.Copy !req
315. Pull the feeding tube, Doctor.Copy !req
316. No, Doctor, you can't!Copy !req
317. I'm sorry.
I have no choice.Copy !req
318. Here is the hospital.Copy !req
319. This is hopeless, Gabriel.Copy !req
320. We cannot interact
with anything on earth.Copy !req
321. How can we possibly get
a feeding tube removed?Copy !req
322. That dirty, evil,
no-good son of a bitch!Copy !req
323. Now that Cartman
got Kenny's feeding tube out,Copy !req
324. he's gonna die for sure.Copy !req
325. The tube has been removed?Copy !req
326. How can they let an 8-year-old
decide Kenny's fate?Copy !req
327. Apparently some blessed child
has done our work for us.Copy !req
328. Good.Copy !req
329. Now all we must do is pray
nobody interferesCopy !req
330. with the child's death
a second time.Copy !req
331. Dude, we have to do
whatever we canCopy !req
332. to get that feeding tube
put back in.Copy !req
333. - Yeah.
- No!Copy !req
334. Let's go to the, uh, media.Copy !req
335. We'll make everyone
in the country knowCopy !req
336. they're killing Kenny.Copy !req
337. Yeah! Come on!Copy !req
338. No. No.
No! Boys!Copy !req
339. Aw, God damn it!Copy !req
340. This is HBC news.Copy !req
341. A right-to-die debate
is heating up in Colorado,Copy !req
342. where Kenny McCormick's
feeding tubeCopy !req
343. has been removed by his BFF.Copy !req
344. Two boys are bringing
national attention to the storyCopy !req
345. by protesting outside
the hospital.Copy !req
346. Don't kill Kenny!Copy !req
347. You bastards!Copy !req
348. Don't kill Kenny!Copy !req
349. You bastards!Copy !req
350. No!
No, they're not killing him.Copy !req
351. They're letting him die!Copy !req
352. You bureaucrats have no right
to play GodCopy !req
353. and take that tube out!Copy !req
354. No, no.
See, they were playing GodCopy !req
355. when they put
the feeding tube in.Copy !req
356. A woman was arrested for trying
to bring food to the patient.Copy !req
357. Get your man hands off of me!Copy !req
358. However,
a growing number of peopleCopy !req
359. are also standing behind
Kenny's BFF, Eric Cartman.Copy !req
360. We must respect the wishes
of people's BFFs.Copy !req
361. Otherwise, all our BFF necklaces
would become meaningless.Copy !req
362. We all have BFFs,Copy !req
363. and we believe a BFF
is the highest legal authority.Copy !req
364. That's right.
Respect our authoritah.Copy !req
365. What mockery is this?Copy !req
366. My lord?Copy !req
367. The feeding tube
has been pulled.Copy !req
368. If the child dies
and his soul returns to heaven,Copy !req
369. God will have his Keanu Reeves.Copy !req
370. Perhaps the child won't die
in time.Copy !req
371. Forget it!
I'm calling the attack off.Copy !req
372. No!Copy !req
373. Keep your army marching,
my lord.Copy !req
374. I will get that feeding tube
put back in.Copy !req
375. How?Copy !req
376. I will do what we always do —
use the Republicans.Copy !req
377. We Republicans
are deeply saddenedCopy !req
378. by the tragic events
in Colorado.Copy !req
379. Removing the feeding tube
is murder.Copy !req
380. Removing the feeding tube
is murder.Copy !req
381. Who are we to decide
that Kenny should live or die?Copy !req
382. Who are we to decide
that Kenny should live or die?Copy !req
383. It is God's will that he live.Copy !req
384. It is God's will that he live!Copy !req
385. No, no.
You don't say that part.Copy !req
386. No, no.
You don't say that part.Copy !req
387. Jesus.
Their army is massive.Copy !req
388. Heaven help us.Copy !req
389. The biggest battle of all time
is about to begin —Copy !req
390. the battle
of the feeding tube —Copy !req
391. as people on both sides
of the argumentCopy !req
392. vie for media attention.Copy !req
393. We want all the country to see
that Kenny is alive and in pain.Copy !req
394. I believe the people at home
can see he's not in painCopy !req
395. because he's a tomato.Copy !req
396. You say tomato, but I say Kenny!Copy !req
397. You say Kenny, but I say tomato!Copy !req
398. - Tomato!
- Kenny!Copy !req
399. - Kenny!
- Tomato!Copy !req
400. Uh, excuse me.Copy !req
401. I, uh, just found the last page
of Kenny's will.Copy !req
402. What?Copy !req
403. I found the page where
Kenny specified his wishesCopy !req
404. about being on life support.Copy !req
405. Well, what does it say?Copy !req
406. "If I should ever beCopy !req
407. in a vegetative state
and kept alive on life support,Copy !req
408. please...Copy !req
409. for the love of God, don't
ever show me in that conditionCopy !req
410. on national television."Copy !req
411. Ooh.Copy !req
412. Whoops.Copy !req
413. Oh, geez.Copy !req
414. Maybe we let this thing
get out of hand.Copy !req
415. This issue is so complicated,Copy !req
416. but maybe we should
just let Kenny go in peace.Copy !req
417. You mean Cartman's side
is right?Copy !req
418. Cartman's side is right
for the wrong reasons,Copy !req
419. but we're wrong
for the right reasons.Copy !req
420. Yeah.Copy !req
421. Come on, everybody.Copy !req
422. I think Kenny
wants to be left alone.Copy !req
423. We've just received word that
Kenny McCormick has passed away.Copy !req
424. The debate still rages on
in America,Copy !req
425. but at least now Kenny is in
a much more peaceful place.Copy !req
426. Satan's army has broken through
the gates!Copy !req
427. We're gonna die!Copy !req
428. Send all troops
to the battlefield.Copy !req
429. I will command as best I can.Copy !req
430. Michael!
Michael!Copy !req
431. The humans finally did
the right thing!Copy !req
432. Oh, my God.
They killed Kenny!Copy !req
433. Get him into
the command station! Hurry!Copy !req
434. Satan's army charges.Copy !req
435. Tell our troops
what to do, Kenny.Copy !req
436. So it begins.Copy !req
437. Now we shall see
the final battleCopy !req
438. between heaven and hell
play out.Copy !req
439. Yes!
Good, Kenny.Copy !req
440. The angel spearmen are taking
out their demon soulrippers.Copy !req
441. Oh, the calvary angels
are clashingCopy !req
442. with their black knights.Copy !req
443. Oh, my God!
My God, this battle is epic!Copy !req
444. Oh, they're bringing in
their demon dragons.Copy !req
445. Look at the size of them!Copy !req
446. My God, this is even bigger
than the final battleCopy !req
447. in the "Lord of the Rings"
movie!Copy !req
448. It's like — it's like 10 times
bigger than that battle.Copy !req
449. No! No!
How are we losing?Copy !req
450. The child's soul is in heaven!
God has his secret weapon!Copy !req
451. Full retreat!Copy !req
452. Patience, my lord.Copy !req
453. No, Kevin!Copy !req
454. That's it —
I'm breaking up with you!Copy !req
455. Yes.
Yes, Kenny!Copy !req
456. Satan's forces are retreating!Copy !req
457. This is truly a sight to behold.Copy !req
458. Oh, I wish I had a camcorder!Copy !req
459. We have done it!Copy !req
460. We have defeated
the armies of Satan!Copy !req
461. Yay!Copy !req
462. Kenny, bless your soul!Copy !req
463. You've saved all of heaven!Copy !req
464. Yes, Kenny.Copy !req
465. And to thank you
for what you've done,Copy !req
466. we are going to give you
a very special gift.Copy !req
467. For saving the entire universe
from the forces of evil,Copy !req
468. we give you this...Copy !req
469. Keanu Reeves statue.Copy !req
470. Congratulations.Copy !req