South Park 9x2

1. Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

2. Hello, ma'am, I'm working

3. to clean up the neighborhood from parasites.

4. Do you mind if I take a quick look around your house?

5. I'm afraid you may have hippies.

6. Hippies?

7. Yeah, they've been popping up

8. all over the neighborhood lately.

9. Miss Nelson next door had seven hippies in her basement.

10. They usually live in colonies.

11. Hmm. I don't like the sound of that.

12. Could I take a look in your attic?

13. Oh, yeah. Boy.

14. Here. Take a look at this, ma'am.

15. You see that? Hippies.

16. Oh, my.

17. These are what we call the giggling stoners.

18. Pretty common form of hippie. Usually found in the attics.

19. Problem is, if you see one hippie,

20. there's probably a whole lot more you're not seeing.

21. Where's the backyard?

22. Yep. That's what I thought. See that?

23. You've got a drum circle in your backyard.

24. Oh, well, they showed up a few days ago,

25. but I didn't think they were hurting anything.

26. Yeah, you know, I had a guy in Jackson County.

27. He had a little drum circle in his backyard —

28. turned into a drum circle four miles in diameter.

29. You get a few hippies playing drums,

30. and next thing you know, you've got yourself a colony.

31. Oh, dear.

32. Well, so — so, what do I do?

33. Well, your attic hippies

34. we can probably fumigate with polymarthane.

35. Your drum circle we're gonna have to gas.

36. God damn it.

37. Whoa! How did I get here?

38. Man, I am so high.

39. Goddamn hippie!

40. - Whoa! Dude! - Get out of here!

41. Not cool! What's up?

42. Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling stoners

43. and your drum circle hippies right now,

44. or soon they're gonna attract something much worse.

45. What's that?

46. The college know-it-all hippies.

47. Wow. My friend Brittany was right.

48. This is a really laid-back place.

49. Yeah. This'll be a great place to spend spring break.

50. Hey, let's ask them.

51. All right.

52. Excuse me. Hello.

53. We're selling magazine subscriptions

54. for our community youth program.

55. Would you like to help young people like us

56. by purchasing a subscription of your choice?

57. Oh, wow. You guys shouldn't be doing that.

58. Don't you know what you're doing to the world?

59. W-What do you mean?

60. You're playing into the corporate game.

61. See, the corporations are trying to turn you

62. into little Eichmanns so that they can make money.

63. Who are the corporations?

64. The corporations run the entire world,

65. and now they've fooled you into working for them.

66. Are you serious? We never heard that.

67. We just spent our first semester at college.

68. Our professors opened our eyes.

69. The government is using its corporate ties

70. to make you sell magazines so they can get rich.

71. Those dirty liars!

72. Mrph rmhmhm rm!

73. This is really nice town you have here.

74. That's why the corporations

75. are trying to use you to take it down.

76. Well — Well, what do we do?

77. Just hang with us for a bit.

78. We'll fill you in on everything you haven't been told.

79. Hey, you got to let us out, man! This is inhumane!

80. Open this door right now!

81. All right, in you go.

82. - What are you doing, man? - Let us out!

83. Get back — Get back or you're all gonna get maced!

84. What's up, man?

85. You can't keep us down here like this.

86. What's wrong with you?

87. What's wrong is there's more of you showing up every day,

88. and I need to find out why!

89. What makes you think you can tell us where to live?

90. This is a free country, man.

91. Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you, all right?

92. - Just go with it. - Just go with it?

93. We've been down here for days!

94. And you're gonna be here a little longer, brah, all right?

95. Here. Here's some joints... and a guitar.

96. Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the mall.

97. Do you want to come?

98. Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate fat cats

99. to imprison you into a life of servitude.

100. I've got some stuff you should read.

101. Okay, sweetie.

102. All right, people,

103. we can move on to issue number 14-B.

104. Mayor, we have got to do something

105. about all these potholes on our roads.

106. We don't have it in the budget to fix them right now.

107. We'll wish we spent the money

108. when we have a lawsuit on our hands.

109. - We — - Get back over here!

110. You can't go in there!

111. Please, I have to talk to you all right now!

112. Kid, we're having a city council meeting.

113. Mayor, something very big is happening,

114. and if you all don't give me a moment of your time,

115. there may be no more South Park to council over.

116. What are you talking about?

117. I'm talking about the end of all life as we know it.

118. Past several days, I've been noticing a steep rise

119. in the number of hippies coming to town.

120. At first I thought maybe it was just a coincidence.

121. Then I noticed this.

122. Three new drum circles have sprouted up —

123. here and here and here.

124. They're all growing in diameter

125. at a rate of two hippies per hour.

126. What this means is that the hippies are conglomerating.

127. They're binding, if you will.

128. I think that they're setting up for a... hippie music festival.

129. - A what? - It's — It's simple science.

130. Look, when hippies start to nest in a new area,

131. it draws other hippies in.

132. With the right weather conditions and topography,

133. it can lead to a music festival —

134. one that lasts for days, even weeks.

135. Reggae on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man —

136. They would all pale in comparison

137. to what we're looking at now.

138. In my professional opinion,

139. I think we're looking at a full-blown hippie jam fest

140. the size of which we've never seen.

141. Kid, what the hell are you talking about?

142. I know hippies. I've hated them all my life.

143. I've kept this town free of hippies on my own

144. since I was 51/2.

145. But I can't contain them on my own anymore.

146. We have to do something, fast.

147. Uh, Eric, we're talking about potholes right now, m'kay?

148. It's not potholes you need to worry about.

149. It's potheads.

150. I know what these people are capable of.

151. Johnson, get him out of here.

152. What are you doing? You have to listen to me!

153. You can't sweep this problem under the rug!

154. The town is in serious danger!

155. You see, the corporations take their profits

156. and invest it in the war machine while keeping everyone blind.

157. Right. So how do we get back at them?

158. Yeah. We're pissed off.

159. Well, so, my idea was this —

160. Let's have, like, a weeklong music festival,

161. draw everyone here,

162. and then together we can tear it all down.

163. Whoa! What the hell?

164. I knew you were trying to have a hippie jam festival.

165. Everyone pack up your crap. We're going to my basement.

166. Cartman, what the hell are you doing?

167. Oh, Jesus. Not you guys.

168. What happened? Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies?

169. - Did you eat their brownies? - No!

170. Listen, you're my friends, but if you've been compromised,

171. I'll have no problem taking you out.

172. I'd expect the same from you.

173. What is your problem? Get lost, little Eichmann.

174. Aah! Ugh! Aah!

175. Oh, my God!

176. What the hell are you doing?

177. Everybody get in a single-file line!

178. There you are!

179. Ah, Officer Barbrady. You're just in time.

180. These college know-it-all hippies were setting up

181. for a music festival — just as I predicted.

182. Eric Cartman, you are under arrest.

183. What?

184. I was just over at your house

185. and freed 63 people you had locked in your basement.

186. You let them out?

187. Jesus! We have to find them!

188. Oh, no! You're coming downtown.

189. No! No! We have to stop them!

190. No! We — We got to stop the hippies!

191. Who was that?

192. What did I do?

193. You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement.

194. They're not people! They're hippies!

195. Is this problem under control?

196. I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz.

197. Mayor! Mayor, I've confirmed the data.

198. The hippies are going to have a massive jam-band concert.

199. I know.

200. I signed the permit.

201. You... You what?

202. I signed a permit allowing them to have their concert here.

203. Their little festival

204. should pump some money into our economy.

205. They're hippies! They don't have any money!

206. Does the city council know about this?

207. They don't have to know.

208. I can sign whatever permit I want.

209. You just sold out our town!

210. That kid really needs some psychiatric help.

211. Yeah.

212. All right. Let's go.

213. How much money is enough, Mayor?

214. How many people's lives is it all worth?

215. Goddamn hippies!

216. This is a "South Park News" special report.

217. Thousands of people have descended on South Park

218. for a hippie music jam festival.

219. The event is said to be the largest such gathering

220. in the history of man.

221. All right! Welcome to Hippie Jam Fest 2005!

222. It's so great to see so many people turn out

223. to make an impact on the world!

224. Yeah!

225. You said it!

226. For too long the corporations have bled the world

227. of its love and resources.

228. It is time for us to get to work

229. and make the world a better place.

230. And we're gonna start right now!

231. Oh, man, I can't wait to see the look

232. on those little Eichmanns' faces

233. when they hear this crunchy groove.

234. Sharon, have — have you seen Stan?

235. He went with his friends to that music festival.

236. Oh, Jesus. What has gotten into that kid?

237. Now, Randy, we were the same way once, too.

238. Don't forget that we were both considered hippies

239. back in the '60s.

240. Yeah, but when we did it, we actually stood for something.

241. I mean, remember Woodstock, Sharon?

242. We actually did something there.

243. Whoo!

244. Party! Whoo!

245. Whoo-hoo!

246. Oh, whoo!

247. You ate too much acid, man!

248. Whoo! Whoa!

249. Oh!

250. Oh, my God. Our son is with those people.

251. S-Stan? Stan!

252. This is "South Park News."

253. Fear and horror in South Park today

254. as the music festival continues to grow.

255. They're arriving in droves, and apparently no end is in sight.

256. Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger,

257. and the town is literally bursting at the seams.

258. We don't know where this music festival came from,

259. but it's very close to consuming us all.

260. Stephen, what do we do?

261. Stan? Stan!

262. I need to get through! Please!

263. Randy — Randy, you got to get out of here.

264. They just trampled Miss Farkle to death.

265. It's too dangerous.

266. My son is in there!

267. Stan?

268. Stan! Stan!

269. Hey, chill, man. It's all good.

270. Have some water laced with acid.

271. No! Aargh!

272. Aaargh!

273. What have I done?

274. Yeah! South Park is now hippie capital of the world!

275. Uh, hi, Eric. H-How's it going?

276. Great.

277. I love crapping in a toilet with no rim on it.

278. Eric, uh, you were right — about the hippies.

279. Could you get rid of them for us now?

280. Let me guess.

281. They've started a hippie jam-band music festival.

282. W-We need you to take care of them, Eric.

283. They're out of control!

284. Forget it.

285. Please. Some of our kids are in there.

286. We should have listened to you earlier.

287. Yeah. We apologize.

288. Please, don't let them ruin our town.

289. It's too late.

290. Even if I did agree to help, there's too many of them now.

291. We know you can do it, Eric. You're smart.

292. Why, you're the smartest kid in school, m'kay.

293. We're just asking you to try.

294. The whole town even got together and — and baked you a cake.

295. Don't think that you can buy me with presents.

296. Unless, of course,

297. it's the new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.

298. It's yours.

299. I want the batteries for it, too.

300. And I get to drive it around in the school parking lot.

301. - Fine. - Anything else?

302. Yes.

303. Kyle doesn't get to have one. Ever.

304. And he has to watch me drive mine

305. around the school parking lot and get super jealous.

306. Well, we can promise not to buy one for Kyle,

307. but we can't make him watch you play —

308. Oh, yes! Fine! We'll force Kyle to watch you.

309. All right. Fine. But listen up and listen good.

310. I've never tried to get rid of this many hippies before,

311. so I'm gonna need every resource this town has.

312. And even if I don't succeed —

313. and it's a million-to-one shot that I will —

314. I still get the Tonka radio-controlled bulldozer

315. and get to play with it in the school parking lot

316. while Kyle has to watch and be super jealous.

317. Are we clear?

318. Wow. This band is so crunchy.

319. Dude, I need more weed.

320. So it seems like we have enough people now.

321. When do we start taking down the corporations?

322. Yeah, man. The corporations.

323. Right now they're raping the world for money.

324. Yeah, so where are they? Let's go get 'em.

325. Right now we're proving we don't need corporations.

326. We don't need money.

327. This can become a commune where everyone just helps each other.

328. Yeah. We'll have one guy who, like, makes bread.

329. A-And one guy who, like, looks out for other people's safety.

330. You mean like a baker and a cop?

331. No, no, can't you imagine a place where people live together

332. and, like, provide services for each other

333. in exchange for their services?

334. Yeah. It's called a town.

335. You kids just haven't been to college yet.

336. But just you wait. This thing is about to get huge.

337. All right. Everyone, listen up.

338. The hippie jam-band festival is now 14 miles in diameter

339. and 500,000 hippies thick.

340. My God.

341. In less than three days,

342. all of South Park will be completely consumed.

343. Our only hope is to fight our way

344. to the very center of the crowd and reach the heart, here.

345. If we can reach the stage,

346. we can upload this Slayer CD into their music system.

347. Hippies can't stand death metal.

348. If everything works, they should disperse

349. just before they consume us all.

350. Nice plan, kid, except it has one giant flaw.

351. That hippie crowd is massive.

352. How the hell are we supposed to get through it

353. and reach the stage?

354. We drill.

355. I've designed a vehicle that can bore its way

356. through even the densest hippie crowd.

357. The pilots inside would be safe

358. from the pot smoke and the crappy music outside.

359. You're actually suggesting that somebody

360. drives right into the heart of that mob?

361. - It's a suicide mission! - Not just somebody.

362. I need a complete team to operate this vehicle.

363. Along with me, I'm gonna need a scientist, an engineer,

364. and, of course, a black person who can sacrifice himself

365. in case something goes wrong.

366. I'm the only scientist in town.

367. I'm your engineer.

368. Honey, no!

369. I have to do it, Stephen.

370. Then we just need a black person

371. who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong.

372. Let's see. Anyone will do.

373. Anyone who meets the qualifications.

374. Let's see.

375. Oh, I know. How about —

376. Yeah, yeah, I get it! Fine!

377. I-I can't believe we're actually listening to this.

378. This is a crazy plan!

379. You got a better idea, Stephen?

380. Damn it, my son is in there!

381. There's no more time for ideas.

382. We have to have this vehicle up and operational

383. in less than three days.

384. Look, it's a long shot, but it's also the only shot we...

385. got.

386. Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,

387. where a desperate attempt to save the town is under way.

388. Some call it a suicide mission,

389. but the heroic men and women of the Hippie Digger

390. may be our only hope at survival.

391. Well, I guess this is it, Sharon.

392. Please save our boy, Randy.

393. Butters, if anything happens to Mommy,

394. I-I want you to be a good boy.

395. I will, Mom.

396. Now, now. Don't cry, ladies.

397. Everything's gonna be fine.

398. I... don't want you to worry about me, Clyde Frog.

399. Hey. You're the best stuffed animal I ever had.

400. Look out for yourselves!

401. Godspeed!

402. - Primary engine running? - Check.

403. - Navigation system? - Online.

404. Let's punch this baby.

405. We're coming up on the outer perimeter of the hippies.

406. Hang on.

407. Breaching hippie crowd. Hull status?

408. Vehicle shell holding!

409. They're in!

410. - All right! They did it! - Yeah!

411. All right, people. Let's save it.

412. They still have a long way to go.

413. All right. I can't take it anymore.

414. I'm getting on that stage.

415. You're doing what?

416. Hey, you can't go up there.

417. Whoo!

418. Switching to secondary fuel line.

419. What's that?

420. Drill's getting too hot from all the hippies!

421. What's happened?

422. They — They've stopped. Something's wrong.

423. Jesus. They're dead in the water.

424. Uh, excuse me.

425. Excuse me. Can I have your attention, please?

426. What are we doing?

427. It's been nine days.

428. Doesn't it seem like we should accomplish something?

429. We're using the power of rock 'n' roll

430. to change the world!

431. Whoo!

432. Maybe instead of complaining

433. about corporations being selfish,

434. we should look at ourselves.

435. Is there anything more selfish than doing nothing

436. but getting high and listening to music all day long?

437. He's right.

438. It's time for us all to focus our energy

439. and get this hippie jam into full swing.

440. - Come on! Come on! - It's useless.

441. The main power line has been shut down.

442. Somebody's gonna have to go outside

443. and activate the backup boosters.

444. No, Chef. I'm not gonna let you go out there.

445. I didn't volunteer.

446. All right! Fine, Chef. Go.

447. Aw, damn it!

448. That's it. We're going to Plan B.

449. Nuke the crowd.

450. God damn it, no! You have to give them more time!

451. - Ah! - Aah!

452. How are we gonna get the stink out of our clothes?

453. These people have no idea what's going on.

454. - Let's get out of here. - We can't. Kenny just checked.

455. There's a wall of people like seven miles thick behind us.

456. What?

457. You mean we're stuck here listening to this crap?

458. Hey, what happened to the tunes, man?

459. More tunes.

460. More tu-u-u-nes!

461. We made it.

462. Get to the P.A. system! Now!

463. Plug me into the main line.

464. Which cord is it?

465. - You're the scientist, jackass! - I'm a geologist!

466. We don't have time to argue! They're gonna nuke us!

467. - Aagh! - Put them in my laptop!

468. Oh, man. Not cool!

469. This music is so angry!

470. This is killing my buzz.

471. Let's bail on this whole angry scene.

472. It's working!

473. What?

474. It's — It's working!

475. They did it! They did it!

476. - Dad! - Stan!

477. I'm alive!

478. Hold it right there, Kyle.

479. Whoa. Cartman, we aren't gonna be hippies anymore.

480. You don't have to kill us.

481. Kill you? Oh, no.

482. I have much bigger plans for you, Kyle.

483. Ho ho! Oh, man! This is awesome.

484. Whee! Oh, here, Kyle.

485. You want to play with it a little while?

486. Oh! Psych! You don't get to.

487. Oh, check it out! Co-o-ol!