1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
2. - Oots!
- Oots!Copy !req
3. - Oots!
- Oots!Copy !req
4. - Oots!
- Oots!Copy !req
5. - Oots!
- Oots!Copy !req
6. - Oots!
- Oots!Copy !req
7. Oots bung sah!Copy !req
8. Oots!Copy !req
9. Oots bung sah!
Kyah!Copy !req
10. Cartman-san, what are you doing?Copy !req
11. I'm doing some
sweet bung sah moves.Copy !req
12. I'm a little better
than everyone else here.Copy !req
13. Eric-san,
you must follow direction.Copy !req
14. You rack a dis-a-prin.Copy !req
15. Nuh-unh!
I don't rack a dis-a-prin!Copy !req
16. Yes!
You all need more dis-a-prin!Copy !req
17. True dis-a-prin come from
within.Copy !req
18. We are out of time.
I will see you on Tuesday.Copy !req
19. Oots!Copy !req
20. Dude, we got to hurry home!Copy !req
21. The final episode of "Lost"
is on soon!Copy !req
22. Yeah, let's go!Copy !req
23. Wait.
Where's my dad?Copy !req
24. He knew he had to take us
all home, too, right?Copy !req
25. Yeah.Copy !req
26. Dad? Where the hell
could he have gone?Copy !req
27. Oh, hey. Sorry, boys.Copy !req
28. Later, Randy!Copy !req
29. All right.
See ya, Nelson.Copy !req
30. Dad, weren't you watching?Copy !req
31. I ran into Nelson from work.Copy !req
32. We were over at the bar,
watching the game.Copy !req
33. Two-dollar margaritas!
It was great.Copy !req
34. All right. Come on.
I'll drive you boys home.Copy !req
35. - Are you sure you're all right?
- Oh, yeah. I'll be fine.Copy !req
36. I got some beers
to keep my buzz going.Copy !req
37. Dad, aren't you supposed to,
like, not drink and drive?Copy !req
38. I'm not drinking and driving.
I'm driving while I'm drinking!Copy !req
39. Right, boys?Copy !req
40. Sure.
Whatever, dude.Copy !req
41. Oh, I got to pee.
Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.Copy !req
42. What?
Just pull over.Copy !req
43. Stan, you need to learn
some things about being a man.Copy !req
44. Give me that bottle.Copy !req
45. There's a reasonCopy !req
46. God made our penises
like little hoses, boys.Copy !req
47. Hold the wheel, Stan.Copy !req
48. When you boys start driving,Copy !req
49. you're gonna need to learn
to do this, too.Copy !req
50. - Oh! Whoa.
- Dad, we're gonna crash!Copy !req
51. Shh!
I'm trying to concentrate!Copy !req
52. Just hold the damn wheel.Copy !req
53. Dude, I think
you're being followed.Copy !req
54. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
55. Get off my ass, dickhole!Copy !req
56. No, dude, it's the police.Copy !req
57. Oh, crap!Copy !req
58. Here, hold this!Copy !req
59. Aw, it's all warm!Copy !req
60. Everybody just stay calm.
I can handle this. No problem.Copy !req
61. I know how to deal.Copy !req
62. License and registration,
please.Copy !req
63. What seems to be the officer,
problem?Copy !req
64. Sir, why don't you step out
of the car for me?Copy !req
65. Okay.Copy !req
66. Sir, I'm going to give you
a sobriety test.Copy !req
67. Okay. No problem.
Easy.Copy !req
68. Stand over here, please.
Right there.Copy !req
69. Now I want you to hold your arms
out at your sides.Copy !req
70. Ooh.Copy !req
71. There! I did it. See?
No problem.Copy !req
72. And now touch your finger
to your nose.Copy !req
73. Do what?Copy !req
74. Touch your finger to your nose.Copy !req
75. Oh, come on!
That's impossible!Copy !req
76. Just bring one hand
to your nose like this.Copy !req
77. Okay.Copy !req
78. Okay.
Hang on.Copy !req
79. Okay.Copy !req
80. All right.
H-Hang — Hang on.Copy !req
81. Hold — Hold on.Copy !req
82. Oh, hang on.
Hang on.Copy !req
83. Dude, what the hell is he doing?Copy !req
84. I think his pants
are falling down.Copy !req
85. What? What did I do?
What did I do?Copy !req
86. Keep blowing. Keep blowing.
Keep blowing.Copy !req
87. Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
88. This is so embarrassing.Copy !req
89. You know, Stan, I'd say that
your dad racks a dis-a-prin.Copy !req
90. I know. I didn't even get home
until 2:30.Copy !req
91. Man, that was such a bummer.Copy !req
92. Look, guys, about last night —Copy !req
93. Can you just keep quiet
about it?Copy !req
94. Why?Copy !req
95. Because I don't want
everyone knowing, okay?Copy !req
96. Can we please just keep this
to ourselves?Copy !req
97. All right, Stan. Sure.Copy !req
98. Okay, children.
Let's take our seats.Copy !req
99. Today we will be continuing
our study of economics.Copy !req
100. But first we're going to hear
from a motivational speaker.Copy !req
101. The state has sent over somebody
to talk to you allCopy !req
102. about the dangers
of drunk driving.Copy !req
103. Please welcome Stan's dad.Copy !req
104. Oh, Jesus.Copy !req
105. Well, uh,
I'm supposed to tell you kidsCopy !req
106. about how bad drinking is.Copy !req
107. I did a little drinking
and driving,Copy !req
108. and as part of my punishment,Copy !req
109. I'm doing community-service work
at schools like these.Copy !req
110. Oh, that's very interesting,
isn't it, kids?Copy !req
111. Uh, y-you shouldn't drink
because it leads to bad things.Copy !req
112. I was in jail for the night,
and, well, I guess —Copy !req
113. I don't know. I —
Just don't drink.Copy !req
114. But if you must drink,
definitely don't drive.Copy !req
115. I've definitely learned that
firsthand.Copy !req
116. Uh, that's all, I guess.Copy !req
117. Well, I think we've all
learned an important lesson,Copy !req
118. haven't we, class?Copy !req
119. If you don't make
the right choices in life,Copy !req
120. you could end up being
a big loser, like Stan's dad.Copy !req
121. Drinking and driving
is for idiots.Copy !req
122. Nobody wants to end up
like Stan's dad, do they?Copy !req
123. I want you all to take
a good look at Stan's dadCopy !req
124. and say, "Is that
who I want to be in 30 years,Copy !req
125. getting tickets and having to go
to elementary-school classroomsCopy !req
126. and talk about how pathetic
I am?"Copy !req
127. Thank you, Mr. Marsh.
I think you made your point.Copy !req
128. Hello again, everyone.Copy !req
129. My name is Michael,
and I'm an alcoholic.Copy !req
130. Hi, Michael.Copy !req
131. As most of you know,
I once lost my job and my familyCopy !req
132. because of my drinking.Copy !req
133. But with the help of A.A., I've
been sober for 10 years now.Copy !req
134. Anybody have anything they want
to tell the group for starters?Copy !req
135. My name's Bill,
and I'm an alcoholic.Copy !req
136. Hi, Bill.Copy !req
137. Hi, Bill.Copy !req
138. I've been using
the 12-step programCopy !req
139. for about two months now,Copy !req
140. and — and I'm really turning
my life around.Copy !req
141. No more blowing guys
on Colfax AvenueCopy !req
142. for a pint of vodka
for this cowboy!Copy !req
143. That's great.Copy !req
144. And I understand this is
somebody's first A.A. meeting.Copy !req
145. Is that right?Copy !req
146. Y-Yes. You, sir. Stand on up
and introduce yourself.Copy !req
147. Uh, my name's Randy,
and... I just really like beer.Copy !req
148. You have to admit
you're an alcoholic.Copy !req
149. But I don't know
if I'm really an alcoholic.Copy !req
150. Then why are you here?Copy !req
151. Because I got a D.U.I.,Copy !req
152. and so I'm required to attend
A.A. meetings for two weeks.Copy !req
153. I was stupid one night
and drank too muchCopy !req
154. and then drove a car.Copy !req
155. That was dumb,
and I'm not gonna do it again.Copy !req
156. Randy, you are powerless
to make that decision.Copy !req
157. The only thing that works
is the 12-step program.Copy !req
158. Step one is admittingCopy !req
159. that you are powerless
to control your drinking.Copy !req
160. Only then can you move on
to the other 12 steps,Copy !req
161. like believing that only
a higher power, God,Copy !req
162. makes you stop drinking,Copy !req
163. and then turning your life over
to that godCopy !req
164. and humbly asking God
to remove your weaknesses.Copy !req
165. W-Wait. Wait.
Hold on.Copy !req
166. I never knew that Alcoholics
Anonymous was a religious thing.Copy !req
167. It's not religious.Copy !req
168. You just have to admit
there is some kind of godCopy !req
169. which has power over you, and
turn your life over to that godCopy !req
170. and ask him for forgiveness.Copy !req
171. That's the 12-step program,
not religion.Copy !req
172. Look, I-I really just need to
cut down on my drinkingCopy !req
173. and never drive a car drunk
again.Copy !req
174. You can't just cut down
on your drinking, Randy.Copy !req
175. You need to know something.Copy !req
176. You have a disease.Copy !req
177. A-A disease?Copy !req
178. That's right.
Alcoholism is a disease.Copy !req
179. You're sick, Randy.
You're very, very sick.Copy !req
180. And just like
with most diseases,Copy !req
181. you can't cure it yourself,
and it's deadly.Copy !req
182. Oh, my God.Copy !req
183. Dad, what the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
184. Hello, Stan.Copy !req
185. Dad, it's the middle of the day!Copy !req
186. I thought you weren't gonna
drink as much anymore!Copy !req
187. No, Stan.
You don't understand.Copy !req
188. I have a disease.Copy !req
189. Daddy's very sick.Copy !req
190. What?
Did you go to your A.A. meeting?Copy !req
191. Yes!
They're the ones that told me.Copy !req
192. I thought I could just quit
drinking on my own,Copy !req
193. but it's an illness, son.Copy !req
194. I have to admit
that I'm powerlessCopy !req
195. to this terrible disease.Copy !req
196. Dad, you've had enough.
Just stop now.Copy !req
197. I can't!
I'm sick!Copy !req
198. It's not fair!Copy !req
199. Why did you give me
this disease?Copy !req
200. Stan!Copy !req
201. Stan!Copy !req
202. Stan.Copy !req
203. Aw, God damn it!Copy !req
204. Stan, I... need your help.Copy !req
205. Dad, what are you doing
in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?Copy !req
206. I've got to try to take it easy
from now on, son.Copy !req
207. Get Daddy another beer,
will you?Copy !req
208. No!
You don't need another beer!Copy !req
209. I know that!Copy !req
210. But this disease
is just eating me up!Copy !req
211. I hate my illness!Copy !req
212. Dad, you just need to not drink
so much.Copy !req
213. It's very simple.Copy !req
214. I wish it was that simple, son.Copy !req
215. But if I don't give myself up
to a higher power,Copy !req
216. this disease is gonna kill me
dead.Copy !req
217. I'm afraid that the only thing
that will cure meCopy !req
218. is a miracle.Copy !req
219. Es un milagro.Copy !req
220. Es un milagro!Copy !req
221. Tom, I'm standing in the garden
of St. Peter's Church in Bailey,Copy !req
222. where what some call a miracle
is taking place.Copy !req
223. The statue of the Virgin Mary
has started to bleed...Copy !req
224. out its ass.Copy !req
225. The phenomenon was first seen
by Father Harold Barnes,Copy !req
226. who saw the blood coming
from the Virgin Mary's assCopy !req
227. late last night.Copy !req
228. People from all over the state
have flocked here to the churchCopy !req
229. to witness the apparent miracle
firsthand.Copy !req
230. Well, we just heard that
this miracle was happening,Copy !req
231. and we wanted to see it
for ourselves and come and pray.Copy !req
232. Why do you believe the
Virgin Mary is dripping blood?Copy !req
233. Well, it may represent
her sorrowCopy !req
234. over all the bad things going on
in the world.Copy !req
235. Why do you believe
the Virgin MaryCopy !req
236. is dripping blood out her ass?Copy !req
237. As news of the miracle spreads,Copy !req
238. hundreds are expected
to show up here at the church,Copy !req
239. hoping to witness the miracle
and even cure their diseases.Copy !req
240. Cure... Cure disease.Copy !req
241. Stan!Copy !req
242. My name is Harry,
and I'm an alcoholic.Copy !req
243. Hi, Harry.Copy !req
244. I've been sober now
for five years,Copy !req
245. and I've learned
that drinking iced teaCopy !req
246. and getting more involved
with my relationship with GodCopy !req
247. is — is — is way more fun
than partying!Copy !req
248. I-It sure is.Copy !req
249. Once I accepted
that I was powerlessCopy !req
250. to control my drinking and my
life, I put it in God's hands.Copy !req
251. And now these meetings are
the most fun thing I do!Copy !req
252. Yeah!Copy !req
253. Uh, excuse me.
Who's in charge here?Copy !req
254. None of us are in charge.
We're all powerless.Copy !req
255. - We sure are. We're powerless.
- That's right.Copy !req
256. Uh, look,
my dad was here yesterday,Copy !req
257. and you all
kind of messed him upCopy !req
258. by telling him he had a disease.Copy !req
259. Alcoholism is a disease.Copy !req
260. No, I-it's not.Copy !req
261. And you can't just go aroundCopy !req
262. saying stuff like that
to people like my dad.Copy !req
263. H-He's a kind of
a hypochondriac.Copy !req
264. It is a disease because
it's a physical dependency.Copy !req
265. That makes it a disease.Copy !req
266. No.
Cancer is a disease.Copy !req
267. My dad needs to drink less.Copy !req
268. He can't quit by himself.
None of us could.Copy !req
269. He needs divine intervention,
spirituality.Copy !req
270. No, he just needs a dis-a-prin.Copy !req
271. But thanks to you people, my dad
now thinks he has a diseaseCopy !req
272. that he can't cure himself.Copy !req
273. Young man, do you know anything
about the 12-step program?Copy !req
274. Yeah, and I also know
a thing or two about cults.Copy !req
275. I was the leader of one
for a while.Copy !req
276. God damn it.Copy !req
277. The crowd grows larger
every hourCopy !req
278. as the statue of the Virgin MaryCopy !req
279. continues to miraculously
cry blood out her ass.Copy !req
280. Cardinal Mallory
has been sent by the VaticanCopy !req
281. to determine whether this is
a true miracle or not.Copy !req
282. Right this way, Cardinal.Copy !req
283. The blood always comes
from the same area —Copy !req
284. sometimes a little,
sometimes a lot.Copy !req
285. It's a miracle.Copy !req
286. Okay. Here we go.Copy !req
287. Dad!
Dad, what are you doing?Copy !req
288. I got to drive to Bailey.Copy !req
289. Dad, you're drunk.
You're not driving a car!Copy !req
290. No, Stan.
You don't understand.Copy !req
291. There's a church in Bailey.Copy !req
292. The statue of the Virgin Mary
is bleeding out her ass.Copy !req
293. What?Copy !req
294. They say her divine ass blood
has miraculous healing power.Copy !req
295. She can cure my alcoholism!Copy !req
296. I'll be back soon!Copy !req
297. Dad, you can't drive.Copy !req
298. Your license is suspended,
remember?Copy !req
299. If you get pulled over again,Copy !req
300. you're gonna go to jail
for 10 years!Copy !req
301. All right.Copy !req
302. Then you drive.Copy !req
303. I'm 8!Copy !req
304. This is my only hope, Stan!Copy !req
305. Either you drive this car
or I will!Copy !req
306. I sure hope this works.Copy !req
307. No. No.
It will work.Copy !req
308. I have to put my faith
in a higher power.Copy !req
309. I have to believe
that this will work.Copy !req
310. There! There's the church!
Stop right here, Stan!Copy !req
311. Where?
I can't see!Copy !req
312. Right here is good!
Big pedal! Left pedal!Copy !req
313. All right. Get my wheelchair
out of the back.Copy !req
314. Is that the line?Copy !req
315. Oh, God!Copy !req
316. Is this whole line
people waiting to be cured?Copy !req
317. Yeah. I was diagnosed with
brain cancer two months ago.Copy !req
318. I feel like this is
my only hope.Copy !req
319. I know exactly how you feel.Copy !req
320. I've got alcoholism.Copy !req
321. Oh, my God.Copy !req
322. Wait a minute.Copy !req
323. Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett
up there?Copy !req
324. He's from South Park. Maybe
he'll let us in line with him.Copy !req
325. Dad, let's just wait our turn.Copy !req
326. I could die waiting
in this line, Stan!Copy !req
327. Come on.
Let's go!Copy !req
328. Hey, Josh Garrett!
How you doing?Copy !req
329. Oh. Hey, Randy.
What happened to you?Copy !req
330. I've got a disease —
alcoholism.Copy !req
331. It's pretty serious. You?Copy !req
332. My daughter has elephantitis.Copy !req
333. We are the same, she and I.Copy !req
334. Hey, what do you think
you're doing, kid?Copy !req
335. You're trying to cut in line!Copy !req
336. I just — My dad was —Copy !req
337. You're a butter!
You're a dirty line cutter!Copy !req
338. Praise Jesus.Copy !req
339. This is taking too long.
I'm gonna run out of beer.Copy !req
340. - Stan!
- What?Copy !req
341. You see that guy up there?
I think he has a kidney disease.Copy !req
342. Every couple minutes,Copy !req
343. he gets out of line
to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
344. When he leaves next,
let's take his place.Copy !req
345. No, Dad!
People will see!Copy !req
346. The guy behind him is blind!Copy !req
347. There he goes! Come on! Come on!
Go, go, go!Copy !req
348. Hey.
I smell a butter!Copy !req
349. He did!
That kid just cut in line!Copy !req
350. Back of the line, butter!Copy !req
351. I'm going to die!Copy !req
352. Dad, we're going back!Copy !req
353. What's going on here?Copy !req
354. This kid's cutting in line!Copy !req
355. Please, Officer,
you have to understand.Copy !req
356. I need a miracle
way more than these people.Copy !req
357. I'm an alcoholic,
and I'm powerless over it.Copy !req
358. I understand.
My — My brother's an alcoholic.Copy !req
359. Here. Let me push you
to the front of the line.Copy !req
360. Oh, bless you, sir!
Bless you!Copy !req
361. Excuse me.
Out the way, please!Copy !req
362. Alcoholic coming through!Copy !req
363. She's beautiful.Copy !req
364. Ahh.Copy !req
365. Ahh!Copy !req
366. I'm... not going to drink this.Copy !req
367. I'm not going to drink this!Copy !req
368. It's a miracle! I'm cured!Copy !req
369. Yahoo-hoo!Copy !req
370. Praise Jesus!Copy !req
371. Praise Mary,
the blessed Virgin Mother!Copy !req
372. Thank you!
Thank you, God!Copy !req
373. Good morning, family.Copy !req
374. The Lord has truly blessed us
with another beautiful day.Copy !req
375. It's just amazing.Copy !req
376. I haven't had a drink
in five days.Copy !req
377. Praise Christ.Copy !req
378. Praise Him.Copy !req
379. - Praise Christ.
- Praise Christ.Copy !req
380. I've got another A.A. meeting
today,Copy !req
381. and guess where
it's gonna be, Stan.Copy !req
382. At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza,
so you can come with me!Copy !req
383. Dad, all the guys
are going to Kyle's houseCopy !req
384. to watch the Bronco game.Copy !req
385. Kenny and Kyle's dads
were hoping you'd come.Copy !req
386. Stan, those people drink.Copy !req
387. I have new friends now —Copy !req
388. my A.A. friends, who have faith
in a higher power.Copy !req
389. Boy, this lemonade is great!Copy !req
390. Who knew how fun
being sober could be?Copy !req
391. Your dad doesn't drink either?Copy !req
392. No, my dad doesn't drink.Copy !req
393. Does that mean we're friends?Copy !req
394. Excuse me. I'd like to address
the group, if I may.Copy !req
395. Sure, Randy.
Go ahead.Copy !req
396. I'm Randy, and I'm an alcoholic.Copy !req
397. Hi, Randy.Copy !req
398. But I put my faith
in a higher power,Copy !req
399. and I haven't had a drink
for five days now.Copy !req
400. An incredible update from
the bleeding Virgin Mary statue.Copy !req
401. Oh, hey. Shh. Shh.
Hold on a second, gang.Copy !req
402. Earlier today, the new pope,
Pope Benedict XVI himself,Copy !req
403. visited the statue
here in BaileyCopy !req
404. to witness the miracle
firsthand.Copy !req
405. It was an amazing sight
to beholdCopy !req
406. as Pope Benedict made his way
through the throngs of people.Copy !req
407. Right this way, Your Holiness.Copy !req
408. The pope then examined
the statue closely.Copy !req
409. After witnessing
the phenomenon firsthand,Copy !req
410. the pope
then cleaned himself offCopy !req
411. and then declared that
the bleeding Virgin Mary statueCopy !req
412. is not a miracle!Copy !req
413. What?Copy !req
414. Having investigated closely,
the pope determinedCopy !req
415. that the blood was not coming
from the Virgin Mary's ass,Copy !req
416. but rather from her vagina.Copy !req
417. And the pope said, quote...Copy !req
418. Back to you, Tom.Copy !req
419. Thanks, Edward.
That's a very shocking story.Copy !req
420. That means... I'm not cured.Copy !req
421. I still have the disease.Copy !req
422. Bartender, I need a drink!Copy !req
423. Three shots of Macallen,
two small bottles of vodka,Copy !req
424. three bottles of beer,
and some jello shooters!Copy !req
425. Come on!
Let's go!Copy !req
426. Randy, what are you doing?Copy !req
427. You heard what he said!
The higher power didn't cure me!Copy !req
428. I'm powerless again!Copy !req
429. I-I-I'm powerless, too!Copy !req
430. Yeah!
Me too!Copy !req
431. Get me seven martinis!Copy !req
432. Jack and Coke!Copy !req
433. Dad!
Dad, stop!Copy !req
434. I'm sorry, son.
I'm off the wagon.Copy !req
435. Dad, you don't have to do this.Copy !req
436. You have the power.Copy !req
437. You haven't drank
since seeing the statue.Copy !req
438. But the statue wasn't a miracle.Copy !req
439. Yeah, the statue
wasn't a miracle, Dad.Copy !req
440. So that means you did it.Copy !req
441. That means you didn't have
a drink for five daysCopy !req
442. all on your own!Copy !req
443. You're right, Stan.Copy !req
444. If God didn't make me
stop drinking, then I did.Copy !req
445. Maybe... Maybe I can force
myself to never drink again.Copy !req
446. No!Copy !req
447. No?Copy !req
448. Dad, you like to drink,
so have a drink once in a while.Copy !req
449. Have two!Copy !req
450. If you devote your whole lifeCopy !req
451. to completely avoiding
something you like,Copy !req
452. then that thing still controls
your lifeCopy !req
453. and you've never learned
any discipline at all.Copy !req
454. But maybe I'm
just the kind of personCopy !req
455. who needs to have it all
or nothing.Copy !req
456. No.
All or nothing is easy.Copy !req
457. But learning to drink
a little bit, responsibly —Copy !req
458. that's a dis-a-prin.Copy !req
459. Dis-a-prin come from within.Copy !req
460. How did I manage to raise
such a smart kid?Copy !req
461. I've had a great teacher.Copy !req
462. Thanks, son.Copy !req
463. No, not you. My karate teacher.
He's really smart.Copy !req
464. Oh.
Well, tell you what.Copy !req
465. Let's leave the car here,
walk home, and watch the game.Copy !req
466. I'd like to have another beer
or two.Copy !req
467. - All right!
- Come on!Copy !req
468. Or maybe I'll have three beers.Copy !req
469. That's probably okay
if you spread it out.Copy !req
470. - Well, how about four?
- I think you're pushing it.Copy !req
471. - How about 20?
- That's not dis-a-prin.Copy !req
472. Right, right.
Does vodka count?Copy !req
473. Dad!Copy !req