1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
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2. Oh, dude, check it out!
I got a Jake Plummer.
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3. Aw, man. I got a crappy
A.J. Feeley again.
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4. How come you didn't buy
any cards, Stan?
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5. I can't spend any money.
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6. I'm saving up for that bike
I want.
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7. Ha! Saving money!
Duh!
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8. So, what should we do now?
It's Saturday.
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9. We have to have
as much fun as possible.
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10. Hey, I know. Let's go
play laser tag at Funplex.
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11. Mrph rmh!
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12. No. I don't want to spend
any money, you guys.
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13. Let's just do something
fun that's free.
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14. Stan, don't you know
the first law of physics?
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15. Anything that's fun
costs at least $8.
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16. Yeah, dude.
Nothing fun is free.
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17. Well, I can't spend any money.
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18. Okay, be a Jew.
We're gonna go play laser tag.
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19. Yeah.
See ya!
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20. Hello. Would you like
to take a personality test?
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21. It's fun and it's free.
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22. Excuse me?
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23. We're doing
free personality tests today.
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24. What do I have to do?
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25. Have you heard of Scientology?
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26. It's all based
on the book "Dianetics."
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27. A lot of really cool people
are Scientologists,
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28. like Tom Cruise
and John Travolta.
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29. Why don't you come on in
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30. and we'll get your fun,
free personality test started?
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31. Let's just find
an empty room here.
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32. Lots of people
getting free tests today.
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33. Hey, Brian!
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34. Hey, Kelly!
How's it going?
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35. Great. I want you to meet
my new friend, Stan.
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36. Hey there! How are you?
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37. Fine.
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38. Brian's gonna give you
your personality test
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39. and then let you know
some things about Scientology.
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40. Good times.
Good times.
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41. Look, is this a religion?
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42. Because my family is, like,
Catholic or something.
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43. Oh, that's not a problem at all.
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44. Scientology is more
of an alternative to psychology
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45. than a religion.
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46. Then how come that sign says
"Church of Scientology"?
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47. Oh, that's just this thing.
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48. What's the Denver Broncos'
record now, 6-2?
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49. 7-2.
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50. Wow!
That's great!
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51. All right.
Come on in and take a seat.
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52. We're gonna have some fun.
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53. All right. I'm just gonna
ask you a few questions.
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54. Just answer these as truthfully
as you can, all right?
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55. Okay. Number one —
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56. Do you ever make remarks
which you later regret?
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57. Uh... sure?
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58. Uh-huh.
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59. Would you rather give orders
than take them?
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60. Yeah.
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61. Do you ever whistle
just for the fun of it?
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62. Okay.
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63. And, finally,
does life sometimes feel vague
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64. and confusing to you?
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65. Yes.
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66. Okay, Stan.
Well, that's it.
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67. That's the end
of the personality test.
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68. So, how'd I do?
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69. Well, I hate to tell you this,
Stan, but...
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70. you are one messed-up kid.
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71. - Huh?
- Yeah.
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72. I'm afraid that you
are completely miserable
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73. and totally depressed.
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74. I am?
I didn't know that!
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75. Well, there's certainly
no question
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76. that you are a perfect
candidate for Scientology.
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77. I think it can really
make you happy again.
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78. W-What do I do?
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79. It's very simple.
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80. We just need $240.
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81. Stanley, you haven't touched
your food.
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82. What's the matter with you?
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83. I'm totally depressed.
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84. - What? Why?
- I don't know.
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85. Well, how long
have you been feeling this way?
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86. I'm not sure.
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87. But... I need $240.
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88. $240?
What'd you do, break something?
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89. No. I found a self-help
program that can cure me.
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90. Oh, Jesus.
The answer is no, Stanley.
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91. But I'm completely miserable,
and these people can help.
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92. Stanley, I didn't know
you were miserable.
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93. Neither did I!
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94. Stanley, do you have
any concept of money at all?
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95. Money doesn't grow on trees,
you know.
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96. Don't you care
that I'm depressed?
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97. What if I become suicidal or —
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98. or become an alcoholic
like Grandpa?
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99. Huh?
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100. Well, if you really think
your life is so bad, Stan,
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101. why don't you take what you have
out of your bicycle savings?
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102. Well, but —
but that's my money.
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103. Well, just like the rest of us,
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104. you have to make choices
with your money.
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105. You want a bike or do you
want to not be depressed?
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106. Michelle, our friend Stan
wants to have auditing.
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107. Oh, good for you!
You're gonna be so happy.
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108. I hope so.
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109. It's the beginning of a whole
new life for you, Stan.
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110. See you afterwards.
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111. Great.
So, do you have the $240?
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112. Perfect!
We're on our way.
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113. Come on over here,
and I'll fill you in
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114. on how
the Church of Scientology works.
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115. You see, Stan,
Scientology was founded
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116. by a great man
named L. Ron Hubbard.
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117. Mr. Hubbard discovered
that negative emotions
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118. are actually caused by things
called body thetans.
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119. - Really?
- Yes!
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120. And being the genius
that he was,
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121. Mr. Hubbard invented a way
to get rid of those bad thetans.
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122. This is called an e-meter.
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123. It's the main tool
of Scientology.
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124. You just grab hold
of these handles
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125. as I talk you through
past experiences in your life.
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126. I'll be taking readings here,
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127. and we'll be able to determine
your thetan levels.
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128. Thetan levels.
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129. Come on in the auditing room,
and I'll show you how it works.
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130. All these people
are just like you, Stan,
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131. auditing with e-meters to get
rid of their negative emotions.
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132. All right, Stan.
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133. I want you to just relax
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134. and take hold
of the e-meter handles.
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135. So, this is gonna make me happy?
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136. Just take a few deep breaths,
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137. and I'll just get a base reading
of your thetan levels.
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138. Huh.
That's — That's strange.
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139. What?
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140. Some— Something's wrong.
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141. Brian, could you come over here
a second?
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142. Yeah.
Oh, hey there, Greg!
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143. Stan.
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144. Will you look
at his thetan levels?
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145. Huh. Well — Well,
get another e-meter.
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146. This one's obviously broken.
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147. Sorry about this, Greg.
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148. And so we just try to analyze
your personality.
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149. And if it seems like
you need some help,
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150. then you can have audit
counseling for a nominal fee.
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151. Well, that sounds
pretty reasonable, m'kay.
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152. Mike, I need to talk to you.
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153. Excuse me, sir.
I'll be right back.
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154. Are you all right?
You're sweating!
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155. - Take a look at this.
- What is it?
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156. The e-meter results
from the little boy in room D.
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157. This... This can't be right.
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158. We ran the test four times.
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159. We used four different e-meters.
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160. Fax these results to
the head office in Los Angeles.
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161. The president has to see this
right away.
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162. Go! Now!
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163. The boy is from a small
mountain town in Colorado, sir.
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164. Sir, how can it be
that a first-timer
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165. scores that kind
of thetan level?
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166. He registered O.T. 9.
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167. I'm only O.T. 7, and I've been
in the church all my life!
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168. I've waited 42 years
for this day.
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169. Sir?
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170. Don't you all see
what this means?
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171. There's only one person
who ever registered O.T. 9
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172. in the history of our church.
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173. L. Ron Hubbard said
he had lived past lives,
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174. that when he died, his thetan
would show itself again.
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175. Our prophet has returned.
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176. Uh, Stanley, take the garbage
out before you go to bed.
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177. I took out the garbage
yesterday.
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178. Right now, Stan.
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179. Stupid, dumb garbage.
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180. There he is!
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181. Thank you for returning!
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182. He's wonderful.
He's wonderful.
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183. Stan, what the hell did you do?
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184. I don't know!
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185. Hello, young man.
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186. I'm the head of Scientology.
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187. It is... a great honor
to meet you.
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188. All right.
What the hell is going on here?
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189. We've been looking for your son
for a long time, Mr. Marsh.
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190. He is the reincarnation of our
church's most sacred prophet.
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191. What?
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192. Scientologists the world over
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193. are simply rejoicing
in his second coming.
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194. Look, we don't want our son
to join your group, okay?
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195. We're not asking him to join us.
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196. We're asking him to lead us.
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197. Oh, my God.
It's John Travolta.
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198. Is this where he lives?
Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is?
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199. Oh, my God!
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200. Yes, John Travolta
and Tom Cruise
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201. are big Scientologists.
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202. Do you believe me now?
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203. Young man,
I know you don't remember it,
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204. but your name
was L. Ron Hubbard.
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205. You revealed a secret
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206. which began the whole
Church of Scientology.
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207. Okay, Stan.
It's late.
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208. Go up to your room
and get ready for bed.
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209. Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.
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210. Jesus Christ.
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211. L. Ron?
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212. L. Ron!
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213. It really is you!
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214. Oh, this is the greatest day
of my life.
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215. Aw, dude, I need to go to bed.
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216. Don't you understand, L. Ron?
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217. It's me — Tom Cruise!
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218. Yeah, I know who you are.
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219. Haven't I done well, L. Ron?
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220. Haven't you enjoyed my acting?
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221. Which film did you like best?
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222. Well, I mean, you're not...
you're not, like,
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223. as good as Leonardo DiCaprio,
but you're okay, I guess.
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224. What?
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225. I mean, you're not Gene Hackman
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226. or that guy
that played Napoleon Dynamite,
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227. but you're okay.
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228. I'm nothing.
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229. I'm a failure
in the eyes of the prophet!
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230. Hey! Dude, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
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231. Go away!
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232. Dude, this is my room!
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233. Go away, I said!
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234. Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out
of the closet!
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235. What?
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236. Tom Cruise locked himself in my
closet, and he won't come out.
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237. Mr. Cruise?
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238. Mr. Cruise,
come out of the closet.
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239. No.
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240. Come on, Mr. Cruise.
This is ridiculous.
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241. I'm never coming out!
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242. What did you say to him?
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243. I just told him I thought
the "Napoleon Dynamite" guy
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244. - is a better actor than he is.
- Oh, boy.
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245. Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay
in the closet, all right?
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246. You need to come out.
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247. What's going on?
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248. Tom Cruise won't come out
of the closet.
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249. - What?
- Just leave me alone!
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250. Well, we can't leave you alone
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251. because you won't come out
of the closet.
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252. It's been four hours now,
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253. and Tom Cruise still
will not come out of the closet.
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254. Hundreds of onlookers
have gathered here
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255. in hopes that the celebrity
will finally give in.
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256. Tom Cruise,
this is Park County police.
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257. Please come out of the closet.
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258. Everybody here just wants you
to come out of the closet, Tom.
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259. Nobody's gonna be mad.
Everything's gonna be all right.
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260. Just come out of the closet.
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261. We're still not exactly sure
why Tom Cruise is in the closet,
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262. but I'm being joined now
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263. by famous singer/songwriter
R. Kelly.
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264. Please understand we just want
what is best for your son.
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265. The reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard
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266. must be taken care of.
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267. He had many enemies.
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268. Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard
a science-fiction writer?
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269. Yes, but he was also a prophet
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270. who knew the secret truth
about the nature of life.
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271. This is just too much.
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272. We want to reveal to Stan
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273. the great secret of life
behind our church,
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274. the safely guarded
Scientology doctrine.
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275. Please. Your son deserves
to be enlightened.
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276. Stan, do you want to hear
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277. the great secret doctrine
of life behind Scientology?
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278. Sure.
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279. All right.
Go ahead and tell him.
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280. Would you excuse us, please?
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281. This is highly classified
Church information.
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282. Aw, rats.
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283. Usually, to hear
the secret doctrine,
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284. you have to be in the church
for several years, Stan.
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285. Are you ready to hear the truth?
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286. I-I guess.
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287. You see, Stan,
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288. there is a reason for people
feeling sad and depressed —
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289. an alien reason.
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290. It all began
75 million years ago.
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291. Back then, there was a galactic
federation of planets,
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292. which was ruled over
by the evil Lord Xenu.
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293. Xenu thought
his galaxy was overpopulated,
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294. and so he rounded up
countless aliens
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295. from all different planets and
then had those aliens frozen.
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296. Aah!
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297. The frozen alien bodies
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298. were loaded onto
Xenu's galactic cruisers,
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299. which looked like DC-8s,
except with rocket engines.
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300. The cruisers then took
the frozen alien bodies
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301. to our planet, Earth,
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302. and dumped them
into the volcanoes of Hawaii.
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303. The aliens were no longer
frozen.
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304. They were dead.
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305. The souls of those aliens,
however, lived on,
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306. and all floated up
towards the sky.
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307. But the evil Lord Xenu
had prepared for this.
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308. Xenu didn't want
their souls to return,
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309. and so he built giant
soul catchers in the sky!
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310. The souls were taken
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311. to a huge soul-brainwashing
facility
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312. which Xenu had also built
on Earth.
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313. There the souls
were forced to watch days
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314. of brainwashing material,
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315. which tricked them
into believing a false reality.
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316. Xenu then released
the alien souls,
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317. which roamed the earth
aimlessly in a fog of confusion.
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318. At the dawn of man,
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319. the souls finally found bodies
which they could grab on to.
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320. They attached themselves
to all mankind,
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321. which still to this day
causes all our fears,
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322. our confusions,
and our problems.
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323. L. Ron Hubbard
did an amazing thing,
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324. telling the world
this incredible truth.
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325. Now all we're asking you to do
is pick up where he left off.
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326. But I don't know
any of this stuff.
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327. Neither did L. Ron
when he started.
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328. He said he just closed his eyes
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329. and wrote down
whatever came to mind.
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330. You can do the same.
Just let it flow.
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331. Okay.
I'll try.
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332. I just wish I could write
in my room,
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333. but Tom Cruise won't come out
of the closet.
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334. I know.
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335. We've sent Nicole Kidman up
to see if she can help.
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336. Tom?
Tom, it's Nicole.
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337. H-Hi, Nicole.
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338. Tom, don't you think this has
gone on long enough?
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339. It's time for you to come out
of the closet.
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340. I'm not —
I'm not in the closet.
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341. Yes, you are, Tom.
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342. And you need to just end this
and come out.
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343. I'm not gonna think
any differently of you.
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344. Katie's not gonna think
any differently of you.
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345. You don't need to be
in that closet anymore, Tom.
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346. I'm not in here, though.
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347. Yes, you are.
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348. I'm not — I'm not in a closet.
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349. Then how am I talking to you,
Tom?
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350. Tom, you can't hide forever
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351. just because the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard
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352. doesn't like your acting.
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353. Come out of the closet, Tom.
You're not fooling anyone.
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354. But I'm not —
I'm not in here.
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355. Yeah.
Yeah!
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356. Hey, Stan.
We're gonna go to the movies.
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357. I can't. I'm writing a new
sacred doctrine for my church.
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358. Look, Stan,
we're really getting concerned
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359. about this cult
you're getting into.
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360. Cult?
Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle!
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361. I've read all this stuff,
and it's based on fact.
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362. Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was
a science-fiction writer.
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363. He lived on a boat
with only young boys
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364. and got busted
by the feds numerous times.
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365. I did not!
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366. Those are rumors put out
by people who are afraid
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367. because they don't know
the secret truth!
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368. What secret truth?
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369. I can't tell unless you pay for
a few years of audit counseling.
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370. All I know is I was depressed
before,
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371. and now I've found meaning.
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372. I didn't know
you were depressed.
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373. Neither did I.
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374. But now if you guys can't accept
this great thing I belong to,
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375. then I suppose
we're no longer friends.
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376. Stan, I just want you to know
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377. that I still hate Kyle
more than you.
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378. Tom! Hey, Tom.
It's John Travolta.
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379. Oh, hey, John.
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380. Tom, you got to come out
of the closet. Oh, my God.
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381. L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think
I'm a great actor.
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382. M-Maybe you took what he said
out of context.
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383. Okay.
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384. It's like,
if you don't come out,
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385. can I at least come in
and talk to you?
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386. Well... okay.
But no tricks.
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387. No tricks.
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388. Hey, it's really nice in here.
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389. Yeah. See?
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390. I feel really safe. Oh, my God.
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391. Hello?
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392. Hey, come out of there!
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393. Tom, it now appears
that John Travolta
Copy !req
394. is also in the closet
and he refuses to come out!
Copy !req
395. Here with more details
once again is R. Kelly.
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396. Oh, Jesus!
Here we go with the gun again.
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397. Yes. Yes.
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398. Oh, this is great, Stan.
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399. I wrote that, um...
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400. our followers shouldn't fly
in DC-8s anymore
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401. because they're too much
like Xenu's evil cruisers.
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402. Yes, of course.
It's so wonderful.
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403. And I wrote
that the evil Lord Xenu
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404. has recently broken out
of galactic jail.
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405. Yes.
Of course!
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406. And best of all, I wrote
that all the Scientologists
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407. should no longer
have to pay money to belong.
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408. What?
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409. I realized that to really be
a church,
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410. we can't charge people for help.
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411. What are you, stupid?
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412. Then how do we make money
from those people?
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413. Well, it's not about the money.
Copy !req
414. It's about the message, right?
Copy !req
415. Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa!
Copy !req
416. You don't actually believe
this crap, do you?
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417. Dummy!
Brainwashed alien souls?
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418. E-meters and thetan levels?
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419. Those people out there buy
that crap,
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420. but I thought
you were smart enough
Copy !req
421. to see what was really going on.
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422. But you said that there was —
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423. What's better than telling
people a stupid story
Copy !req
424. and having them believe you?
Copy !req
425. Having them pay you for it,
stupid!
Copy !req
426. But then... why me?
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427. Why do you need me to write
something so badly?
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428. Because if those people
all think
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429. you're the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard,
Copy !req
430. then they'll all buy
your new writings,
Copy !req
431. and you and I together
will make $3 million!
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432. $3 million?
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433. That's how a scam works!
Copy !req
434. But this is a scam
on a global scale.
Copy !req
435. Do you fucking get me now?
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436. Yeah.
Yeah, I get you.
Copy !req
437. Then keep writing, L. Ron.
Your people are waiting.
Copy !req
438. Breaking news
here in South park.
Copy !req
439. Tom Cruise and John Travolta
Copy !req
440. still will not come out
of the closet.
Copy !req
441. Park County police have decided
to try a new method.
Copy !req
442. My fellow Scientologists...
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443. Our prophet has finished
his new doctrine
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444. and will now read some passages
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445. before making it available
to you all for a nominal fee.
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446. I give you... the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard!
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447. Uh, thanks.
Copy !req
448. So, first of all...
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449. I've written that
the brainwashed alien ghosts
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450. are actually from a galaxy
called Nubunon.
Copy !req
451. - Oh!
- Oh!
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452. Nubunon!
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453. And uh... uh...
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454. I-I can't do this.
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455. What?
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456. Look, everybody.
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457. We're all looking for answers,
you know?
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458. We all want to understand who
we are and where we come from,
Copy !req
459. but sometimes we want to know
the answers so badly
Copy !req
460. that we believe
just about anything.
Copy !req
461. - Huh?
- What?
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462. I'm not the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard.
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463. And... Scientology is just
a big fat global scam.
Copy !req
464. Oh!
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465. We are gonna sue you!
Copy !req
466. - What?
- Yeah!
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467. You think you can say
our religion is a lie?
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468. We'll sue you, buddy!
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469. You told me it was a lie!
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470. Oh, now you're putting words
in my mouth!
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471. You are so sued!
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472. You can't make fun
of Scientology, kid.
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473. We are gonna sue your ass
and your balls.
Copy !req
474. - Yeah!
- That's right!
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475. How dare you mock our faith,
you little punk?
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476. You'll be hearing
from our lawyers tomorrow!
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477. We've just had an incredible
development here, Mitch.
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478. Tom Cruise, John Travolta,
and R. Kelly
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479. have all come out of the closet!
Copy !req
480. So, you're not the prophet, huh?
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481. You made me look stupid.
I'm gonna sue you, too!
Copy !req
482. Well, fine!
Go ahead and sue me!
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483. I will!
I'll sue you in England!
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484. You are so sued, kid!
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485. Well, go on, then!
Sue me!
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486. We're going to!
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487. Okay! Good!
Do it!
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488. I'm not scared of you!
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489. Sue me!
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