1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
2. Okay, children.Copy !req
3. This week we are
all going to learn about...Copy !req
4. parenting.Copy !req
5. I'm gonna pair all the boys
and girls in class into couplesCopy !req
6. and give each couple... an egg.Copy !req
7. You must care for
and look after this eggCopy !req
8. just like a baby
for one full week.Copy !req
9. If you break your egg,
it means you have a dead baby.Copy !req
10. And if you kill your baby,
you get an "F."Copy !req
11. When I announce your names,Copy !req
12. please move and sit with
the person you're paired with.Copy !req
13. Heidi, you'll be with Eric.Copy !req
14. Aw!Copy !req
15. Annie, you'll be a family
with Timmy.Copy !req
16. Timmy!Copy !req
17. Millie, your husband is Craig.
Powder...Copy !req
18. Oh, no, dude.
He's gonna put me with Wendy.Copy !req
19. Mrph?Copy !req
20. So I haven't even spoken
to Wendy since we broke up.Copy !req
21. And, Wendy...
Wendy will be with Kyle.Copy !req
22. Kyle?Copy !req
23. Bebe, you're paired up
with Stan.Copy !req
24. Lola and Token.
Red and Craig.Copy !req
25. And Esther and Bradley.Copy !req
26. Now, I'm going to sign
each of your eggs myselfCopy !req
27. so that we'll know
it's the same oneCopy !req
28. at the end of the week.Copy !req
29. That way if anybody cheats
and tries to replace their eggs,Copy !req
30. we'll know... Eric.Copy !req
31. All you have to do
is make it to FridayCopy !req
32. with your egg unharmedCopy !req
33. to prove what great
little parents you are.Copy !req
34. Okay, children.Copy !req
35. You can take
the rest of the school periodCopy !req
36. to decorate your egg
however you wish.Copy !req
37. Good luck, and remember —Copy !req
38. A dead baby means an "F"
for the parents.Copy !req
39. Hello, Mr. Slave.Copy !req
40. Mr. Garrison!
Oh, Jesus!Copy !req
41. Just let me say
what I came here to say.Copy !req
42. I know we had a falling-out,Copy !req
43. and things were said
that shouldn't have been said.Copy !req
44. I want to apologize
for calling you a faggot.Copy !req
45. That's — That's wonderful,
Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
46. Well, wait, wait.
It gets better.Copy !req
47. I've forgiven you
for walking out on meCopy !req
48. after I had my sex change,
and —Copy !req
49. and I'm ready to take you back,
Mr. Slave!Copy !req
50. Ooh.Copy !req
51. Well, give us a kiss!Copy !req
52. Slave, honey, is that the pizza?Copy !req
53. What the hell is he doing here?Copy !req
54. Mr. Garrison,Copy !req
55. Al and I have been living
together for a few months.Copy !req
56. Well, that didn't take you long,
did it?Copy !req
57. Slave, should I leave
you two alone?Copy !req
58. Yes!Copy !req
59. No!Copy !req
60. Mr. Garrison, there's something
you should know.Copy !req
61. Al and I are getting married.Copy !req
62. Married?Copy !req
63. Yes.Copy !req
64. You can't get married!
You're faggots!Copy !req
65. Oh, Jesus Christ.Copy !req
66. Mr. Slave, I am legally
a woman now.Copy !req
67. If you want to get married,
you have to marry me!Copy !req
68. Oh, that's not true.Copy !req
69. Colorado is about to pass a bill
which allows same-sex marriage.Copy !req
70. We're getting marriedCopy !req
71. right after the bill passes
on Saturday.Copy !req
72. Oh, that's just great.Copy !req
73. They're gonna let queers
and homos get married, huh?Copy !req
74. Okay. That's enough.Copy !req
75. Out, Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
76. We'll just see about this,
you fudge-packing fags!Copy !req
77. I'll stop that gay-marriage law.Copy !req
78. Oh, my God! You're just saying
that because you're jealous!Copy !req
79. Jealous of what?Copy !req
80. I'm doing this
out of principle —Copy !req
81. to protect the sanctity
of marriage!Copy !req
82. Fags are gettin' married
over my dead body!Copy !req
83. Hello?
Oh, hey, dude.Copy !req
84. So... what are
you and Wendy doing?Copy !req
85. We're just making a cradle out
of an egg carton for our egg.Copy !req
86. We figured that way
it'll be easier to keep safeCopy !req
87. - so we can get an "A."
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
88. I don't think it's gonna be that
hard to keep it from breaking.Copy !req
89. This whole assignment is stupid.Copy !req
90. Yeah.
Well, so is your hat.Copy !req
91. Stan, I need you
to watch the egg for a while.Copy !req
92. I can't.
I'm busy.Copy !req
93. I've been looking after it
all day.Copy !req
94. I have to go to the hair salon
and the candy store.Copy !req
95. So take it with you.Copy !req
96. Stan, this is our egg!Copy !req
97. We're both supposed to take care
of it.Copy !req
98. Maybe I didn't want to have an
egg with you, okay, Bebe?Copy !req
99. Well, whether you wanted to or
not doesn't really matter now.Copy !req
100. We're going to get graded
together.Copy !req
101. It's your egg, too.Copy !req
102. Own up to your
responsibilities!Copy !req
103. These homosexuals thinkCopy !req
104. they can just step all over
our traditions.Copy !req
105. Well, I say marriage
is a holy sacramentCopy !req
106. between a man and a woman!Copy !req
107. Who is that lady?Copy !req
108. I don't know,
but she is pissed!Copy !req
109. They passed this law
behind our backs!Copy !req
110. We need to tell the governor
and the worldCopy !req
111. that gay marriage is not okay,Copy !req
112. that homosexuals cannot muddy
our traditions.Copy !req
113. And there is only one way
for us, all together,Copy !req
114. to make that message
very clear —Copy !req
115. We need to round up
three or four queersCopy !req
116. and beat the living hell
out of 'em!Copy !req
117. Come on, everybody!Copy !req
118. Let's get some queers
and some trucksCopy !req
119. and have us a good old-fashioned
fag drag!Copy !req
120. Well, uh, we were thinking
we would, you know,Copy !req
121. just go appeal to the governor.Copy !req
122. Appeal to the governor?Copy !req
123. Oh, come on!
Where's your balls?Copy !req
124. Fag drag!Copy !req
125. We don't hate homosexuals.Copy !req
126. We — We just don't want them
to able to marry.Copy !req
127. We were just thinkingCopy !req
128. of going and asking the governor
to veto the bill.Copy !req
129. Yeah.Copy !req
130. F-Fag drag?Copy !req
131. Governor, we have collected
over 1,000 signaturesCopy !req
132. requesting that you veto
this gay-marriage bill.Copy !req
133. Oh, geez.
I knew this would happen.Copy !req
134. First, the gay people come
in here wanting equal rights.Copy !req
135. Then this bill gets passed,Copy !req
136. and now all the people
against it want me to veto it.Copy !req
137. Why do I have to make
this decision?Copy !req
138. Because you're the governor?Copy !req
139. I just wanted a big house
and lots of respect!Copy !req
140. I didn't want this kind
of responsibility!Copy !req
141. I mean, I don't know anything
about gay marriage.Copy !req
142. What argument can I use to deny
them their right to a family?Copy !req
143. Well, think of the children.Copy !req
144. If you allow gays
to get married,Copy !req
145. then you're also giving them
full rights as parents to adopt.Copy !req
146. You think kids
can be raised by queers?Copy !req
147. I can't use that argument.Copy !req
148. There's never been a study done
which proves that either way.Copy !req
149. But... if you had such a study —Copy !req
150. a scientific study
which proved same-sex couplesCopy !req
151. are incapable
of raising a child...Copy !req
152. Then I would have something
to fall back on,Copy !req
153. s-something to take
all the pressure off of me.Copy !req
154. Mr. Governor...
I will get you that study.Copy !req
155. Hey, Wendy.
How's your egg doing?Copy !req
156. Oh, great.
It's a pretty easy project.Copy !req
157. Kyle's really good
with the egg.Copy !req
158. Yeah. I wish I had
a partner like Kyle.Copy !req
159. I went to go pick up the egg
from Stan yesterday,Copy !req
160. and his dog had it
in its mouth.Copy !req
161. Our egg isn't gonna last
a week with Stan around.Copy !req
162. Okay, students!
Change of plan!Copy !req
163. You've all been doing
a great jobCopy !req
164. taking care of your eggs,Copy !req
165. but now we're gonna
mix it up a little.Copy !req
166. Wendy and Kyle
will no longer be together.Copy !req
167. Ha!Copy !req
168. Let's see what happensCopy !req
169. when we put
two same-sex couples togetherCopy !req
170. to take care of an egg,
shall we?Copy !req
171. Kyle, you are now with Stan,
and Wendy is with Bebe.Copy !req
172. Why?Copy !req
173. Come on, Bebe.Copy !req
174. We'll take your egg for you
and Wendy to look after.Copy !req
175. Oh, goody!Copy !req
176. We'll just take this egg for
Stan and Kyle to look out for.Copy !req
177. No! No.
That's my egg.Copy !req
178. Wendy, we're doing
an experiment.Copy !req
179. Here you go, boys.Copy !req
180. But I made that egg.
Mr. Garrison, please.Copy !req
181. Y-You can't give my egg to Stan.
He'll break it.Copy !req
182. Oh, now, what makes you
say that, Wendy?Copy !req
183. I'm sure two boys
can handle an egg just fine.Copy !req
184. And if not...
we'll certainly prove a pointCopy !req
185. to that goddamn governor,
won't we?Copy !req
186. Who?Copy !req
187. Never mind.
Just carry on, children.Copy !req
188. Just carry on as two reckless
little boys will.Copy !req
189. Okay. There.Copy !req
190. Now we can carry
our egg around in this caseCopy !req
191. without it getting cracked.Copy !req
192. Give it to me.
I'll take it home tonight.Copy !req
193. Look, Stan, you want me to
just take care of this egg?Copy !req
194. Why do you say that?Copy !req
195. It's just that
I really need this "A," Stan.Copy !req
196. And Bebe did say
you almost broke your last egg.Copy !req
197. That's because
I was pissed off!Copy !req
198. At who?Copy !req
199. Hang on.Copy !req
200. I want to see my egg.Copy !req
201. Huh?Copy !req
202. I want to see my egg.Copy !req
203. Wendy, it isn't your egg
anymore.Copy !req
204. Yes, it is. I made it.
I decorated it.Copy !req
205. Well, you might have made it,Copy !req
206. but we're the ones
who are taking care of it now.Copy !req
207. You have your own egg
to look out for.Copy !req
208. I just want to hold my egg
for a couple minutes.Copy !req
209. Wendy, I just want to get
an "A," okay?Copy !req
210. Let's not make this any more
confusing than it already is.Copy !req
211. Don't let anything
happen to it — please.Copy !req
212. Wendy, nothing's gonna happen
to the egg.Copy !req
213. You can have it when the week
is over and I get my grade.Copy !req
214. Freakin' weirdos, man.Copy !req
215. You think you're so great,
don't you?Copy !req
216. Well, guess what.
Maybe I don't need your help.Copy !req
217. I'm taking the egg home tonight,Copy !req
218. and I'm gonna show
everybody tomorrowCopy !req
219. that I'm every bit as good
a egg take-care-of-er as you!Copy !req
220. What the hell is wrong
with everybody?Copy !req
221. Okay, children.
It's Wednesday.Copy !req
222. Time for an official egg check.Copy !req
223. Heidi and Eric?Copy !req
224. Our egg is fine.Copy !req
225. Okay.
Annie and Timmy?Copy !req
226. Timmy!Copy !req
227. Good.Copy !req
228. Millie and Clyde,
I saw yours before class.Copy !req
229. - Powder and Kenny?
- Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
230. Now how about our gay couple,
Stan and Kyle?Copy !req
231. Fine.Copy !req
232. What?Copy !req
233. No problems at all.Copy !req
234. That's impossible!Copy !req
235. Are you sure you didn't break it
and switch eggs on me?Copy !req
236. Where's my signature?Copy !req
237. It's — It's right there.
See?Copy !req
238. Two boys can't possibly
take care of an egg!Copy !req
239. Dude, it's totally fine.Copy !req
240. It isn't fine!Copy !req
241. It has two daddies!
You call that fine?Copy !req
242. It may be fine on the outside,Copy !req
243. but inside it's confused
and embarrassed!Copy !req
244. Look at the freak egg!
It has two daddies!Copy !req
245. Come on, class!
Let's rip on the freak egg!Copy !req
246. Tom, I'm standing outside
the governor's office,Copy !req
247. where, in just two days, the
governor can either sign or vetoCopy !req
248. the new bill
allowing gay marriage.Copy !req
249. Same-sex couples
from all over the stateCopy !req
250. have shown up in support,Copy !req
251. while dissenters
have also converged.Copy !req
252. The governor
is about to give a statement.Copy !req
253. I believe that I might have
come up with a compromiseCopy !req
254. to this whole problem
that will make everyone happy.Copy !req
255. People in the gay communityCopy !req
256. want the same rights
as married couples,Copy !req
257. but dissenters don't want
the word "marriage" corrupted.Copy !req
258. So how about we let
gay people get marriedCopy !req
259. but call it something else?Copy !req
260. You homosexuals will have
all the exact same rightsCopy !req
261. as married couples.Copy !req
262. But instead of referring
to you as married,Copy !req
263. you can be butt buddies.Copy !req
264. Instead of being "man and wife,"
you'll be "butt buddies."Copy !req
265. You won't be "betrothed."Copy !req
266. You'll be "butt buddies."Copy !req
267. Get it?Copy !req
268. Instead of a bride and groom,
you'd be butt buddies.Copy !req
269. We want to be treated equally!Copy !req
270. You are equal.Copy !req
271. It's just that
instead of getting engaged,Copy !req
272. you would be butt buddies.Copy !req
273. And everyone is happy.Copy !req
274. Well, what about lesbians?Copy !req
275. Well, like anyone cares
about fucking dykes.Copy !req
276. Oh, God.
I was sure that would work.Copy !req
277. Damn it, damn it!Copy !req
278. Stan and Kyle's egg
is still doing fine.Copy !req
279. Those little assholes
are screwing up my whole plan.Copy !req
280. Yes?
What?Copy !req
281. What the hell is this?Copy !req
282. I broke the egg.Copy !req
283. You broke your egg?Copy !req
284. But you're partnered
with a girl!Copy !req
285. I tried to cover it up —Copy !req
286. tried to put it back together
with modeling glue,Copy !req
287. tried to seal it with a
soldering gun — but I give up.Copy !req
288. I can't hide it.
I broke the egg.Copy !req
289. Did you tell anyone else
about this?Copy !req
290. No.Copy !req
291. Did you tell your egg partner,
Heidi?Copy !req
292. No.
That's why I'm here.Copy !req
293. I think you should still give
Heidi an "A" on the project.Copy !req
294. You see, I broke the egg,
not her.Copy !req
295. And so I should get an "F"
and she should get an "A,"Copy !req
296. which means together
the grade should average outCopy !req
297. to a C-minus for both of us.Copy !req
298. I can't do that, Eric.Copy !req
299. Damn it!
I knew you'd say that!Copy !req
300. You always have it out for me!Copy !req
301. You have to get an "A," Eric.Copy !req
302. Here.
I'll sign this new egg for you.Copy !req
303. And we'll pretend this
never happened, all right?Copy !req
304. Just put on the old hair,
color in the same eyes.Copy !req
305. There we go.
Good as new.Copy !req
306. Now go enjoy
the rest of your recess.Copy !req
307. Mr. Garrison...Copy !req
308. you've never been
this cool to me before.Copy !req
309. Okay.
Well, you're welcome, Eric.Copy !req
310. Now just run along.Copy !req
311. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
312. Because I'm a nice teacher,
all right?Copy !req
313. What do you want from me?Copy !req
314. Nothing!
It's all okay!Copy !req
315. Just take your damn egg!Copy !req
316. No.Copy !req
317. Eric, you've never been anything
but a problem for me.Copy !req
318. You're taking that egg,
and if you break it again,Copy !req
319. I'll break both your legs
and burn down your house!Copy !req
320. - Do you hear me?
- Yes, teacher.Copy !req
321. Now get out of my face!Copy !req
322. Ugh, this scientific study isn't
turning out the way I planned!Copy !req
323. Looks like I'm gonna
have to... intervene.Copy !req
324. Are you Jakartha?Copy !req
325. Who the hell are you?Copy !req
326. Mrs. Garrison.Copy !req
327. I spoke to your associates
on the telephone.Copy !req
328. Ah, yes.Copy !req
329. You are interested
in my services.Copy !req
330. I have a little problem
I need taken care of.Copy !req
331. I heard you're the best.Copy !req
332. Who do you want me to kill?Copy !req
333. What is this?Copy !req
334. It's an egg.Copy !req
335. You want me to kill an egg?Copy !req
336. I can pay $2,000 now,Copy !req
337. $3,000 more
when the job is finished.Copy !req
338. What do you expect me
to do with it?Copy !req
339. I don't care — scramble it,
fry it — do what you will.Copy !req
340. It has to look like an accident.Copy !req
341. I am a serious assassin.Copy !req
342. Get out of my face!Copy !req
343. What's the matter?
You afraid you can't do it?Copy !req
344. Can't say that I blame you.Copy !req
345. That egg has caused me nothing
but problems since day one.Copy !req
346. I guess you're not as good
as they say you are.Copy !req
347. I am the greatest killer
the world has ever seen.Copy !req
348. Then why are you scared
of one little egg?Copy !req
349. I will murder that egg,Copy !req
350. and I will make it curse
the day it was laid!Copy !req
351. That's more like it.Copy !req
352. Day five.
I made it.Copy !req
353. Hello?Copy !req
354. - Did you hear what's happening?
- What?Copy !req
355. Garrison is taking us
on a field trip today.Copy !req
356. He wants to do
the final egg checkCopy !req
357. in front
of the governor's office.Copy !req
358. The governor's office?Copy !req
359. He's really taking
this grade seriously, Stan.Copy !req
360. I'm gonna come over so we can
take our egg to school together.Copy !req
361. Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?Copy !req
362. I took care of this egg, Kyle,
not you.Copy !req
363. Okay, Stan. You've been
an asshole to me all week.Copy !req
364. - What is up?
- What's up?Copy !req
365. Oh, nothing, except you've been
trying to impress Wendy all weekCopy !req
366. like a pathetic dickhole!Copy !req
367. Impress Wendy?Copy !req
368. You've set it up to look like
you're this awesome princeCopy !req
369. and I'm just a loser.Copy !req
370. What the hell
are you talking about?Copy !req
371. Well, guess what. I'm gonna take
this egg to class myself.Copy !req
372. And I'm gonna hold it up
in front of Wendy and say, "see?Copy !req
373. I'm every bit as good
as Kyle is."Copy !req
374. Almost too easy.Copy !req
375. Stan?Copy !req
376. Stan?Copy !req
377. Stan, I think we should talk.Copy !req
378. Dude, you should just go
be with Wendy and be happy.Copy !req
379. Stan, I don't like Wendy.Copy !req
380. All I cared about was getting
an "A" on this stupid project.Copy !req
381. Yeah.
Well, I blew it.Copy !req
382. Now we're gonna fail and Wendy
thinks I'm a total loser.Copy !req
383. I thought you didn't care
about Wendy anymore.Copy !req
384. I don't.
She's totally lame.Copy !req
385. Stan, there was never anything
between Wendy and I.Copy !req
386. I wouldn't go out with
my best friend's ex-girlfriend.Copy !req
387. I'm sorry I didn't trust you,
Kyle.Copy !req
388. I'm obviously just a crappy
best friend to have.Copy !req
389. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry
I didn't trust you either.Copy !req
390. Huh?Copy !req
391. It was really important
for me to get an "A,"Copy !req
392. and Bebe said you were
so reckless with your egg.Copy !req
393. So I made a fake one for you...Copy !req
394. and kept the original safe
with me.Copy !req
395. That's — That's the real egg
with Garrison's signature?Copy !req
396. Yeah, dude.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
397. Then — Then Wendy won't think
I'm a total loser.Copy !req
398. Yeah!
And I can still get my "A."Copy !req
399. Come on, buddy.
Let's go.Copy !req
400. Stan?Copy !req
401. Do you really think my hat
is stupid?Copy !req
402. As a matter of fact...Copy !req
403. I think it is the nicest hat
I've ever known.Copy !req
404. Come on!Copy !req
405. Today is a very big dayCopy !req
406. in which I'm supposed to make
a very big decision.Copy !req
407. As some of you know, my biggest
issue with gay marriageCopy !req
408. regards child-rearing.Copy !req
409. And a new study
has just been concludedCopy !req
410. which will give me the abilityCopy !req
411. to take no personal
responsibility in this decision.Copy !req
412. A new study?Copy !req
413. Here with the results
of that studyCopy !req
414. is the lovely Mrs. Garrison.Copy !req
415. Thank you, Governor.Copy !req
416. Oh.
Jesus Christ.Copy !req
417. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
418. with the help of some
adorable fourth-grade students,Copy !req
419. we've completed our scientific,
nonbiased studyCopy !req
420. of fags having kids.Copy !req
421. Come on up, children.Copy !req
422. The parents were grouped
together as male and female.Copy !req
423. As you can see —Copy !req
424. Uh, Mrs. Garrison, you have
an emergency phone call.Copy !req
425. Yes. What is it?
I'm a little busy!Copy !req
426. Mr. Garrison, it's Kyle.Copy !req
427. Our egg is okay! We'll be there
in a couple of minutes!Copy !req
428. What?
Y-You're... You're too late!Copy !req
429. Don't fail us.
We'll be right there!Copy !req
430. No, you can't —
Hello? Hello?Copy !req
431. You told me you killed
that freak egg!Copy !req
432. I was sure I did.Copy !req
433. Well, it's here!Copy !req
434. You'd better make damn sureCopy !req
435. it doesn't reach these steps
uncracked.Copy !req
436. Anyhow, as I was saying,Copy !req
437. we put one egg into the hands
of two male students.Copy !req
438. Thanks, dude!Copy !req
439. There!
Over there!Copy !req
440. Excuse us!
Excuse us, please!Copy !req
441. Yaaaagh!Copy !req
442. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
443. - Just keep running!
- Hey!Copy !req
444. The — The egg that the two boys
were given does —Copy !req
445. Hang on!
Wait!Copy !req
446. Oh!Copy !req
447. In conclusion, Governor,
you can rest assured that —Copy !req
448. Oh!Copy !req
449. Teacher... our egg is... okay.Copy !req
450. This egg is fine.Copy !req
451. Gays can get married!Copy !req
452. No! No!Copy !req
453. Gays can get married?
What?Copy !req
454. I now pronounce you man and man.Copy !req
455. Boys, I'm really proud of you.Copy !req
456. You've done an amazing thing
for gay-marriage rights.Copy !req
457. What did we do?Copy !req
458. Stan, I'm sorry I doubted you.Copy !req
459. You really made a great dad.Copy !req
460. Like I give a crap
about what you think, Wendy.Copy !req