1. We are South Park,
green and white!Copy !req
2. Let's go Cows—
fight fight fight!Copy !req
3. Nobody can beat a cow,
let's go, South Park!Copy !req
4. Hey, South Park, do you
have school spirit?Copy !req
5. I think us cows have the best
school spirit, huh, Mandy?Copy !req
6. Yeah, and South Park is
really gonna stick itCopy !req
7. to Littleton
next week.Copy !req
8. So let's bring out
our mascotCopy !req
9. and get this
pep rally going!Copy !req
10. It's Mooey!Copy !req
11. Mooey, wave to me!
Wave to me, Mooey!Copy !req
12. Butters,
shut the hell up.Copy !req
13. We are People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals!Copy !req
14. We protest your
insensitive useCopy !req
15. of cows as your
school mascot!Copy !req
16. Oh, Jesus,
not PETA again.Copy !req
17. Cows are maimed and slaughtered
and used as a commodity!Copy !req
18. This is the fate
of the cows!Copy !req
19. This is your
insensitivity!Copy !req
20. Eww!Copy !req
21. The cow is a slave.Copy !req
22. The cow is
a commodity,Copy !req
23. to be thrown away,
by a society gone wrong!Copy !req
24. Alright, children,
I have just been informedCopy !req
25. that since our school has been
attacked by eco-terroristsCopy !req
26. for the 47th time,Copy !req
27. we are going to change
our school mascot.Copy !req
28. But Mr. Garrison,
if we change our mascot,Copy !req
29. that means the
eco-terrorists win.Copy !req
30. That's right, Stanley,
the eco-terrorists win.Copy !req
31. Now, I have here a mascot
selection sheet.Copy !req
32. Every student is supposed
to check the boxCopy !req
33. next to the mascot
they like the most.Copy !req
34. And the most popular selection
will be the school's new mascot.Copy !req
35. But we like
being the cows.Copy !req
36. You're responsible
for the enslavementCopy !req
37. and genocide
of millions!Copy !req
38. Get-get out
of here, PETA!Copy !req
39. We're changin'
the mascot already!Copy !req
40. We speak for those who cannot
speak for themselves!Copy !req
41. Go on,
get outta here!Copy !req
42. Get-get out!Copy !req
43. Jesus, where do they
keep coming from?Copy !req
44. Go on,
get outta here.Copy !req
45. ThiS is
bull crap, dude!Copy !req
46. Now, children,
it's not that bad.Copy !req
47. There's plenty of
great new mascotsCopy !req
48. on the sheet
to choose from.Copy !req
49. The Hurricanes,
the Blizzards,Copy !req
50. the Redskins, the Indians...Copy !req
51. But aren't Indians and
Redskins just as offensive?Copy !req
52. No, those are fine.Copy !req
53. PETA doesn't
care about people.Copy !req
54. God damn it,
vegans piss me off!Copy !req
55. Now, we're gonna end up
with a stupid eagle,Copy !req
56. or a faggot bobcat
as a mascot.Copy !req
57. Wait, you guys!
I have an awesome idea.Copy !req
58. We should
secretly go aroundCopy !req
59. and tell all
the students we canCopy !req
60. to not check any of the mascots
on the selection sheet,Copy !req
61. and instead, write in:
"Giant Douche."Copy !req
62. Yeah!Copy !req
63. Yeah, that'll
be awesome!Copy !req
64. Hey, no, wait, wait!Copy !req
65. I got a better idea,
you guys.Copy !req
66. What we should do, is we
should secretly go aroundCopy !req
67. and tell all
the students we canCopy !req
68. to not check any of the mascots
on the selection sheet,Copy !req
69. and instead, write in:
"Turd Sandwich."Copy !req
70. Turd Sandwich isn't better
than Giant Douche.Copy !req
71. It's only about 1,000 times
better, am I right, guys?Copy !req
72. Come on, we have to
tell everybody fast,Copy !req
73. it's gonna be so funny!Copy !req
74. It was my idea, and
we're gonna tell everyoneCopy !req
75. to write in
Giant Douche!Copy !req
76. It's way funnier!
- It is not!Copy !req
77. Kenny, what's funnier, giant
douche or a Turd Sandwich?Copy !req
78. Giant Douche.Copy !req
79. Ah, you're just
saying thatCopy !req
80. because I broke your
cat's leg last week!Copy !req
81. Stan, do you pick Giant Douche
or Turd Sandwich?Copy !req
82. Dude, I really
don't care.Copy !req
83. That's 2 against 1,
if Stan doesn't care.Copy !req
84. So it's Giant Douche.Copy !req
85. Wait, wait,
what about Butters?Copy !req
86. Huh?
You hate Butters!Copy !req
87. God damn it, you guys,
Butters is our friend!Copy !req
88. And he should be allowed
to have his opinion!Copy !req
89. Butters, which is funnier?Copy !req
90. A stupid, not funny
Giant DoucheCopy !req
91. or a super funny
Turd Sandwich?Copy !req
92. Ha ha, Turd Sandwich!Copy !req
93. You misled him,
fat ass!Copy !req
94. It's the best choice,Copy !req
95. and me and Butters
are sticking with it.Copy !req
96. Yeah!Copy !req
97. What's this for?Copy !req
98. Jimmy, we're gonna have
everyone write in a mascotCopy !req
99. that's really funny,Copy !req
100. and you have to tell us which
one would be funnier.Copy !req
101. That's a fantastic
idea, fellas.Copy !req
102. The key to successful humor
is s-staying power.Copy !req
103. Tell me the first
mascot idea.Copy !req
104. A Giant Douche.Copy !req
105. Okay, that's pretty funny.Copy !req
106. Now, what's the second?Copy !req
107. A Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
108. Okay, okay, now, let's wait 10 seconds.Copy !req
109. Okay, now tell me
the first one again?Copy !req
110. Giant Douche.Copy !req
111. And the second?Copy !req
112. Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
113. Jeez, they're both
screamingly funny, fellas.Copy !req
114. Better give it
another 10 seconds.Copy !req
115. Alright, now we'll see which
one really has staying power.Copy !req
116. Number one?Copy !req
117. A Giant Douche.Copy !req
118. Okay, I think
that's it.Copy !req
119. Number two?Copy !req
120. Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
121. Jeez, I don't know what
to tell you, fellas.Copy !req
122. They're both
instant classics.Copy !req
123. But I guess I'll have to
go with Giant Douche,Copy !req
124. simply because the fact that it
is a giant renders it useless,Copy !req
125. adding a parody slant
to the satire.Copy !req
126. Aggh!Copy !req
127. Aw, we lost?Copy !req
128. Alright, it's decided.Copy !req
129. Let's all write in
"Giant Douche".Copy !req
130. Okay, you win, Kyle.Copy !req
131. Attention students,Copy !req
132. we have tallied your
mascot nomination sheets,Copy !req
133. and there will now be
a school-wide voteCopy !req
134. between the top two
nominations.Copy !req
135. So, here's the first
most requested candidate:Copy !req
136. a Giant Douche.Copy !req
137. Go, Giant Douche!Copy !req
138. Hey, South Park!Copy !req
139. Have we got
school spirit?Copy !req
140. We've got spirit,
yes, we do!Copy !req
141. Giant Douches,
me and you!Copy !req
142. Let's goooo...
Douches!Copy !req
143. And now, your second
nominee, Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
144. Alright,
Turd Sandwich!Copy !req
145. Cartman—
what the hell?Copy !req
146. Giant Douche sucks!Copy !req
147. We've got spirit,
yes we do!Copy !req
148. We are sandwiches
filled with poo, yeah!Copy !req
149. Students can now
cast their choiceCopy !req
150. between the Giant Douche
and the Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
151. We'll count up
the votes on Tuesday.Copy !req
152. You won't get more votes
than us, asshole!Copy !req
153. Game on, Jew-boy!Copy !req
154. Yeah, game on,
Jew-boy!Copy !req
155. Be sure to vote for
Giant Douche!Copy !req
156. Giant Douche,
he's the best!Copy !req
157. Giant Douche
is your man!Copy !req
158. Kyle, aren't you taking this
a little too far?Copy !req
159. I mean, do we really want
a Giant DoucheCopy !req
160. to be our school mascot?Copy !req
161. Dude, I am not going
to lose to Cartman'sCopy !req
162. stupid Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
163. Vote for Turd Sandwich!Copy !req
164. This is the most important
election of your lives.Copy !req
165. Turd Sandwich brings
the hope for change!Copy !req
166. A vote for Turd Sandwich
is a vote for tomorrow.Copy !req
167. There, you really want
that asshole to win?Copy !req
168. I'm not voting.Copy !req
169. What?Copy !req
170. You gotta vote, dude.Copy !req
171. Haven't you seen the
"Rock the Vote" stuff,Copy !req
172. or Puff Daddy's
"Vote or Die"?Copy !req
173. I just think this
whole thing is stupid.Copy !req
174. Kenny, we have got to
make Stan understandCopy !req
175. the importance of voting.Copy !req
176. Because he'll definitely
vote for our guy.Copy !req
177. Yeah!Copy !req
178. How was school
today, Stanley?Copy !req
179. It was ridiculous.Copy !req
180. We have to have
a new school mascot,Copy !req
181. and we're supposed to voteCopy !req
182. between a Giant Douche
and a Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
183. What did you say?Copy !req
184. Did you just say that
voting is ridiculous?Copy !req
185. No, I think
voting is great,Copy !req
186. but if I have to choose
between a douche and a turd,Copy !req
187. I just don't
see the point.Copy !req
188. You don't
see the point!Copy !req
189. Oh, you young people
just make me sick!Copy !req
190. Stanley, do you know
how many people diedCopy !req
191. so you could have
the right to vote?Copy !req
192. Mom, I just don't think there's
much of a differenceCopy !req
193. between a douche
and a turd.Copy !req
194. I don't care.Copy !req
195. You don't care!Copy !req
196. You really want a Turd Sandwich
as your school mascot!Copy !req
197. On your football helmets—
a turd!Copy !req
198. Well, hold on, Randy.Copy !req
199. I think a Turd Sandwich
is a little betterCopy !req
200. than them having a giant
douche on their uniforms.Copy !req
201. You're crazy!Copy !req
202. A douche is
at least clean.Copy !req
203. It's sexist,
is what it is!Copy !req
204. You don't understand
the issues, Sharon!Copy !req
205. Are you calling me
ignorant?Copy !req
206. If you think the school mascot
should be a Turd Sandwich,Copy !req
207. you're not
exactly Einstein!Copy !req
208. I am sick of you
belittling my opinion,Copy !req
209. you son of a bitch!Copy !req
210. I hate this family,
I hate it!Copy !req
211. Puff Daddy?Copy !req
212. Your friend Kyle told meCopy !req
213. you don't understand
the importance of voting.Copy !req
214. I—Copy !req
215. apparently you haven't heard
of my Vote or Die campaign.Copy !req
216. Vote or Die, what the hell
does that even mean?Copy !req
217. What you think
it means, bitch?Copy !req
218. Ahhhh!Copy !req
219. Yeah.Copy !req
220. Okay, I'll vote.Copy !req
221. Hello, Clyde!Copy !req
222. What do you guys want?Copy !req
223. We were just wondering who
you might be voting for,Copy !req
224. for the new
school mascot.Copy !req
225. I haven't decided yet.Copy !req
226. Oh, really?
Well, that's interesting.Copy !req
227. You certainly should
think about itCopy !req
228. and make the right
decision.Copy !req
229. Butterscotch candy?Copy !req
230. Sure.Copy !req
231. Clyde, are you aware
of what Turd SandwichCopy !req
232. can bring to our school?Copy !req
233. Turd Sandwich is not onlyCopy !req
234. the first turd to be
nominated school mascot,Copy !req
235. but even the first sandwich.Copy !req
236. You see, what Turd Sandwich
brings to our school, Clyde,Copy !req
237. is a complete package—Copy !req
238. The turd,
and the bread,Copy !req
239. and the lettuce,
and the olive.Copy !req
240. Whereas Giant Douche
is just, well,Copy !req
241. just a Giant Douche.Copy !req
242. So, come voting day,
you'll now most likelyCopy !req
243. vote for the
Turd Sandwich, yes?Copy !req
244. I'm still not
totally sure.Copy !req
245. Well, then perhaps we
could interest you in...Copy !req
246. Another
butterscotch candy?Copy !req
247. You're doing the
right thing, Stan.Copy !req
248. Don't you feel like you're
a part of something now?Copy !req
249. I guess.Copy !req
250. Look, it may not
seem important now,Copy !req
251. but your vote
really does count.Copy !req
252. And we all have to
do our part.Copy !req
253. Okay.Copy !req
254. Whoa, wait,
what are you doing?Copy !req
255. I'm voting.Copy !req
256. No, you wrote down
Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
257. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
258. Dude, you're supposed to
vote for Giant Douche.Copy !req
259. I thought I was supposed to
make my own decision.Copy !req
260. Well, yeah, but not if your
decision is for Turd Sandwich!Copy !req
261. What the hell
is wrong with you?Copy !req
262. Wait a minute, you didn't
want me to vote!Copy !req
263. You wanted me to
vote for your guy!Copy !req
264. Well, I just figured
you'd vote for my guy!Copy !req
265. Whose fucking
friend are you?Copy !req
266. Puffy!Copy !req
267. Hey, fuck off, Kyle!Copy !req
268. Don't let them
intimidate you, Stan.Copy !req
269. I'll help walk you
to the booth.Copy !req
270. And then I'm gonna buy you
a nice steak dinnerCopy !req
271. with all the trimmings.Copy !req
272. Oh, forget it!Copy !req
273. I'm not gonna be
persuaded into voting,Copy !req
274. and I'm not gonna be
threatened into votingCopy !req
275. if I don't feel
comfortable with it!Copy !req
276. I'm not gonna vote, and you
all can just live with it!Copy !req
277. We've simply had it with your
son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh!Copy !req
278. Voting just doesn't appear
to be important to him.Copy !req
279. Stanley, when you left
for school this morning,Copy !req
280. you said you were
going to vote!Copy !req
281. The whole thing
is a joke!Copy !req
282. You see?
He's out of control!Copy !req
283. It's nearly torn our
whole family apart.Copy !req
284. Well, my hands are tied.Copy !req
285. We can no longer
have Stan's behaviorCopy !req
286. jeopardizing the
other children.Copy !req
287. He must be removed.Copy !req
288. Oh, are you happy now,
Stan?Copy !req
289. You just got
yourself suspended.Copy !req
290. No, I'm afraid
it's worse than that.Copy !req
291. By county law,Copy !req
292. I'm bound to enforce the
harshest punishment possible.Copy !req
293. Expulsion?Copy !req
294. No, banishment.Copy !req
295. B-banishment?Copy !req
296. You can appeal to
the city council,Copy !req
297. but I don't think
it'll do any good.Copy !req
298. Your son must leave South Park,
never to return.Copy !req
299. Oh, Randy!Copy !req
300. Our son...
banished!Copy !req
301. Where did we go wrong?Copy !req
302. You... you're all
joking, right?Copy !req
303. As it was in the time of our
forefathers, so it is now.Copy !req
304. Stan Marsh, for not following
our most sacred of rites,Copy !req
305. you are hereby banished from
South Park for all eternity.Copy !req
306. Or until you decide that
voting is important.Copy !req
307. Goodbye, Stan.Copy !req
308. May the Gods treat you
more kindly than we did.Copy !req
309. Stan, don't you think this
has gone far enough?Copy !req
310. Is it really
that big a deal?Copy !req
311. Yeah, just vote.Copy !req
312. For Giant Douche.Copy !req
313. I'm not voting!Copy !req
314. Yo, Puffy, man, we just
gonna let this happen?Copy !req
315. We got to kill this
non-votin' fool!Copy !req
316. No, Chestazious,
just let him go.Copy !req
317. He won't survive a fortnight
in the wilderness.Copy !req
318. This is breaking your
mother's heart, Stan.Copy !req
319. She couldn't even help
tie you to the horse.Copy !req
320. Dad, isn't this
a little extreme?Copy !req
321. Jesus...Copy !req
322. I guess maybe you'll
never understandCopy !req
323. how important voting is.Copy !req
324. Goodbye, son.Copy !req
325. Yah!Copy !req
326. That's one of the hardest
things a parent ever has to do.Copy !req
327. Look, what is that?Copy !req
328. Oh, the poor thing!Copy !req
329. Hello?Copy !req
330. Don't worry,
we'll free you.Copy !req
331. Just sit still
for a moment.Copy !req
332. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
333. Get off of him,
you filthy human!Copy !req
334. Poor thing needs water!Copy !req
335. You're safe now.Copy !req
336. Shame on you, making this
horse your slave!Copy !req
337. Awww!Copy !req
338. Come, you can
live with us.Copy !req
339. We will give you
food and shelter.Copy !req
340. What about me?Copy !req
341. Open the gate!Copy !req
342. This poor creature's in need
of food and water!Copy !req
343. You have a home
here, friend.Copy !req
344. The "kid"
wants to stay, too.Copy !req
345. I was put on the horse,
I didn't wanna ride it.Copy !req
346. I don't know
if you can stay.Copy !req
347. We'll have to ask
Dr. Cornwallis, come.Copy !req
348. We don't normally
allow outsiders.Copy !req
349. You see, here, we live in
harmony with the animals.Copy !req
350. They're not our pets, but
our fellow living beings.Copy !req
351. We work with the animals,
and try to live as they do.Copy !req
352. We make friends
with the animals.Copy !req
353. We co-exist,
and we intermarry.Copy !req
354. This is my wife, Janice.Copy !req
355. The outside world looks down
on a man marrying a llama.Copy !req
356. But our love knows
no boundaries.Copy !req
357. Wow, you guys really
love animals.Copy !req
358. And why not?Copy !req
359. Mark here has been with Kelly
for three years now.Copy !req
360. And Gary and Sally hereCopy !req
361. have just managed to
have a child together.Copy !req
362. Kill me...Copy !req
363. Yes, life here is
good and natural.Copy !req
364. But now that you know
where our compound is,Copy !req
365. you'll have to either live
with us, or be murdered.Copy !req
366. I'll live with you.Copy !req
367. It's not up to you.Copy !req
368. You'll have to talk
with Dr. Cornwallis.Copy !req
369. What did he say?Copy !req
370. He said I can stay.Copy !req
371. Excellent!Copy !req
372. Dr. Cornwallis is
wise beyond his years.Copy !req
373. Here's your PETA t-shirt
and a bumper sticker.Copy !req
374. This is "Debate 2004,"Copy !req
375. with your host, Jim Lehrer.Copy !req
376. Welcome to the cable access
televised debateCopy !req
377. between a Giant Douche
and a Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
378. We'll start with
Giant Douche.Copy !req
379. Sir, some students and
parents are reluctantCopy !req
380. to have a Giant Douche
represent them.Copy !req
381. What do you say
to those people?Copy !req
382. Jim, first of all,
I would like to thank youCopy !req
383. for monitoring
this debate.Copy !req
384. And I would like to thankCopy !req
385. all of the students and
their parents for coming.Copy !req
386. Oh, suck-up,
suck-up!Copy !req
387. Shh!
- What, that's an obvious suck-up move.Copy !req
388. But I would hope that those
students and their parentsCopy !req
389. who question my qualitiesCopy !req
390. would simply
look at my opponent.Copy !req
391. He is a Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
392. You're a Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
393. No, sir,
if you'll pardon me,Copy !req
394. you are, in fact,
the Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
395. You're a Turd Sandwich!Copy !req
396. Sir, you are
a Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
397. You're a Turd Sandwich!Copy !req
398. Uh, Turd Sandwich,Copy !req
399. I will ask you not to
speak out of turn.Copy !req
400. I'm sorry, Jim.Copy !req
401. Anyway, as I was saying,Copy !req
402. uh, wait, I forgot
what I was saying.Copy !req
403. Ha, what a douche.Copy !req
404. Alright, Turd Sandwich,
this next question is for you.Copy !req
405. How should
South Park ElementaryCopy !req
406. enforce its laws of conductCopy !req
407. for young athletes during
sporting events?Copy !req
408. You know,Copy !req
409. my opponent wouldn't even know
the answer to that question.Copy !req
410. If you ask him
the same question,Copy !req
411. he would not answer it.Copy !req
412. He would stand around and just
babble on and on about nothing,Copy !req
413. until finally, he was
saved by the buzzer—Copy !req
414. Your time is up, turd.Copy !req
415. Stan, I want to introduce you
to my stepdaughter, Theresa.Copy !req
416. She seems to have
taken a liking to you.Copy !req
417. And she's ovulating.Copy !req
418. Uh, no thanks,
that's okay.Copy !req
419. Stan, some PETA members
are growing concernedCopy !req
420. that maybe you don't
love animals.Copy !req
421. I do love animals,
just not like you guys do.Copy !req
422. You don't
belong here, Stan.Copy !req
423. You should return home.Copy !req
424. I can't, I was banished
for not voting.Copy !req
425. But why on Earth wouldn't
you want to vote?Copy !req
426. I think voting is great,
I just didn't care this time,Copy !req
427. because it was between a Giant
Douche and a Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
428. But Stan,
don't you know?Copy !req
429. It's always between a Giant
Douche and a Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
430. Nearly every election,
since the beginning of time,Copy !req
431. has been between
some douche and some turd.Copy !req
432. They're the only people
who suck up enoughCopy !req
433. to make it
that far in politics.Copy !req
434. I guess...
I guess you're right.Copy !req
435. Yo, what did I say was going to happen to you,
bitch?Copy !req
436. Ahh!Copy !req
437. Ah! He's wearing
the skin of an animal!Copy !req
438. Take that!Copy !req
439. I hope that teaches you
a lesson about wearing fur.Copy !req
440. Idius, Ronicus?Copy !req
441. Vote or die!Copy !req
442. Protect the animals!Copy !req
443. Protect the animals!Copy !req
444. Ugh-ugh, ugh...Copy !req
445. Janice, we shall die together,
in each other's arms!Copy !req
446. Oh, kill me!Copy !req
447. Kill me!Copy !req
448. M'kay, that's one more vote
for Turd Sandwich.Copy !req
449. So who won, Mr. Mackey?Copy !req
450. It's pretty close,
but it looks likeCopy !req
451. Giant Douche
is gonna win!Copy !req
452. Oh, no, no!Copy !req
453. Ha, you lose, fat ass!Copy !req
454. Hey, wait a minute!Copy !req
455. Look!Copy !req
456. Stan!Copy !req
457. Stan, you came back,
does that mean...Copy !req
458. You learned the
importance of voting?Copy !req
459. I learned that I'd better
get used to having to pickCopy !req
460. between a douche
and a Turd Sandwich,Copy !req
461. because it's usually
the choice I'll have.Copy !req
462. He's going to vote!Copy !req
463. He's going to vote!
- He's going to vote!Copy !req
464. Stan's vote brings the total
votes for Turd Sandwich to 36!Copy !req
465. And Giant Douche
has 1,410.Copy !req
466. Giant Douche still wins!Copy !req
467. Dude, so my vote didn't
even really matter!Copy !req
468. Hey!
That's not true, Stan.Copy !req
469. You can't judge
the merits of votingCopy !req
470. on whether or not
your candidate won.Copy !req
471. Your vote still mattered.Copy !req
472. Hey, everybody!Copy !req
473. They just found
all the PETA membersCopy !req
474. murdered at
their compound!Copy !req
475. What, they're all dead?Copy !req
476. That means—Copy !req
477. that we can go back to
being the South Park Cows!Copy !req
478. Now your vote
didn't matter.Copy !req