1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
2. Hey, fellas.Copy !req
3. Oh, hey, Jimmy.
Hey, Timmy.Copy !req
4. Timmy!Copy !req
5. Say, fellas,
Timmy and I were wonderingCopy !req
6. if maybe you would come and
cheer for us next S-Saturday.Copy !req
7. We're both competingCopy !req
8. in the Special Olympics
down in Denver.Copy !req
9. The Special Olympics?
What's so special about them?Copy !req
10. They're Olympic Games
for handicapped people.Copy !req
11. What?Copy !req
12. Timmy and I are competing
in a variety of events.Copy !req
13. Yeah, sure. We'll come cheer
you and Timmy on.Copy !req
14. - Yeah. That'd be cool.
- Thanks a lot, fellas.Copy !req
15. Well, we got to get to the training
center and start working out.Copy !req
16. Word is we have a lot of
stiff competition this year.Copy !req
17. All right.
See you on Saturday, guys.Copy !req
18. Timmy!Copy !req
19. Dude, I can't believe
they exploitCopy !req
20. handicapped people like this.Copy !req
21. I mean, making them compete
against each otherCopy !req
22. just for our amusement.Copy !req
23. You're an asshole, Cartman.Copy !req
24. What?
What'd I do?Copy !req
25. S-Six.Copy !req
26. Timmy.Copy !req
27. S-S-Seven!Copy !req
28. Timmy.
Timmy!Copy !req
29. S-S-Seven!Copy !req
30. Timmy!
Timmy!Copy !req
31. I ca— I can't!Copy !req
32. Oh, man.Copy !req
33. Gee whiz, Timmy.Copy !req
34. It looks like we have
some pretty stiff competitionCopy !req
35. this year.Copy !req
36. All the special athletes seem
to be in tip-top condition,Copy !req
37. and I can't even get past
seven r-reps.Copy !req
38. Well, that's it for me, Timmy.Copy !req
39. I'm p-p-p-pooped.Copy !req
40. I'll see you
in the locker room.Copy !req
41. Timmy!Copy !req
42. Hey, Jimmy,
good luck on Saturday.Copy !req
43. You too, Francis.Copy !req
44. Hey, Jimmy.Copy !req
45. Oh, h-hey, Nathan.Copy !req
46. So, uh, I see you're
training pretty hard.Copy !req
47. Yeah.
It sure is tough.Copy !req
48. I'm training really hard,Copy !req
49. but I'm not improving
fast enough,Copy !req
50. and the Special Olympics
are a week away.Copy !req
51. Well... maybe I can help you out.Copy !req
52. You know, there are... shortcuts.Copy !req
53. What kind of shortcuts?Copy !req
54. You know.Copy !req
55. Steroids.Copy !req
56. S-S-S-S-Steroids?Copy !req
57. But aren't those illegal?Copy !req
58. Yeah, sure.
But these are new.Copy !req
59. They don't show up
in a urine test.Copy !req
60. So, uh, how do they w-work?Copy !req
61. You just take one of these
little blue babiesCopy !req
62. three times a dayCopy !req
63. and inject this directly
into your bloodstreamCopy !req
64. twice a day before meals.Copy !req
65. How much would this cost me?Copy !req
66. Uh, it isn't cheap.Copy !req
67. I've got to keep vice
off my backCopy !req
68. and secure shipments
from overseas.Copy !req
69. Well, m-maybe I'll just
use them a-a little bit —Copy !req
70. you know,
as a performance enhancer.Copy !req
71. Whatever you say,
Jimmy, my friend.Copy !req
72. Whatever you say.Copy !req
73. - Vrr! Vrr!
- Beep-beep!Copy !req
74. - Beep-beep!
- Mrph! Mrph!Copy !req
75. You guys! You guys!
I have the best idea ever!Copy !req
76. - I'm gonna be rich!
- What?Copy !req
77. Dude, I was looking at
the Special Olympics brochure,Copy !req
78. and check this shit out.Copy !req
79. "At the end
of the Special Olympics,Copy !req
80. a grand champion special athlete
is crownedCopy !req
81. and given a cash prize
of $1,000."Copy !req
82. So?Copy !req
83. So?
So, dude, think about it.Copy !req
84. If somebody just pretended
to be mentally handicapped,Copy !req
85. they could easily win
the competitionCopy !req
86. and get the thousand bucks!Copy !req
87. Oh, no.
Cartman, no!Copy !req
88. It's flawless!Copy !req
89. I'll act like I have
a disability,Copy !req
90. and when the time comes
to compete,Copy !req
91. I'll kick ass against
all the handicapped!Copy !req
92. That's really, really terrible,
dude.Copy !req
93. Terrible?
Whatever.Copy !req
94. You guys' brains
just can't computeCopy !req
95. complex plans like mine can.Copy !req
96. It'll work.
You'll see.Copy !req
97. Cartman, I will not stand byCopy !req
98. and let you cheat your way
to winning the Special Olympics!Copy !req
99. - Why?
- Because!Copy !req
100. What are you gonna do, Kyle,
tell on me?Copy !req
101. Then you'll be
a great big, no-good,Copy !req
102. double-faced,
poopy-pants tattletale.Copy !req
103. Is that really how you deal
with your problems?Copy !req
104. Grow up, Kyle.Copy !req
105. All I have to do is make people
think I'm handicapped,Copy !req
106. and I get $1,000.Copy !req
107. It won't be easy, but nothing
worth having ever is.Copy !req
108. I want to be
in the Thpecial Olympicth.Copy !req
109. Bull's-eye.Copy !req
110. Uh!
Uh, j-just a second!Copy !req
111. Jimmy?Copy !req
112. Hang on.
I-I'm c-coming!Copy !req
113. Jim, it's your father.Copy !req
114. I said I'm coming!
Give me a goddamn s-second.Copy !req
115. Jimmy, were you masturbating?Copy !req
116. N-No, Dad.Copy !req
117. Okay.
Well, you have a visitor.Copy !req
118. Hi, Jimmy.Copy !req
119. Oh.
Hi, N-N-Nancy.Copy !req
120. I was hoping we could study
for the spelling test tomorrow.Copy !req
121. Oh, sure thing.
Come on in.Copy !req
122. I didn't know you had
a girlfriend, Jim.Copy !req
123. Yeah, Dad.
We've been going outCopy !req
124. since we met in free period
last week.Copy !req
125. I'll leave you two alone.Copy !req
126. You sure you weren't
masturbating, Jim?Copy !req
127. It's okay if you were.Copy !req
128. Dad!
Jesus C-Christ!Copy !req
129. Okay, then.Copy !req
130. Mrph!Copy !req
131. Duhhh-ee!Copy !req
132. Duhhh!Copy !req
133. Hey, guys.
What's going on?Copy !req
134. Duhhh!Copy !req
135. God damn you.Copy !req
136. You see, gentlemen,Copy !req
137. the Special Olympics
championship and my $1,000Copy !req
138. is just four days away.Copy !req
139. I'm going to go sign up now.Copy !req
140. No, you're not.Copy !req
141. I read the brochure, Cartman.Copy !req
142. If you're under 18, you have to
have a parent with youCopy !req
143. to sign up
for the Special Olympics.Copy !req
144. What?Copy !req
145. It says right there a parent
has to be with you to sign up,Copy !req
146. and you'll never get
your mom to agreeCopy !req
147. to something so horrible,
so ha!Copy !req
148. Mo-o-o-m?Copy !req
149. Yes, hon?Copy !req
150. Um, could I get you
to do something for me?Copy !req
151. What's that, hon?Copy !req
152. Um, okay, this is going to
sound a little strange,Copy !req
153. um, but stick with me.Copy !req
154. Um, Mo-o-o-m...
would you mind coming with meCopy !req
155. to sign up
for the Special OlympicsCopy !req
156. so I can beat all the
handicapped kids and win $1,000?Copy !req
157. Oh.
No, sweetie.Copy !req
158. I believe those Olympics
are just for special children.Copy !req
159. I'm not special?Copy !req
160. I thought you always said
I was special.Copy !req
161. You are, hon, but I don't think
that's a very good idea.Copy !req
162. I'll split the money with you.Copy !req
163. I'm sorry, Eric.
The answer is no.Copy !req
164. All right, Mom.
Look.Copy !req
165. Here's the truth.Copy !req
166. God, this is gonna be hard
to say.Copy !req
167. I think, Mom,
that I've been hardCopy !req
168. on some of the handicapped kids
at school in the past.Copy !req
169. I've sometimes looked
at people with disabilitiesCopy !req
170. as people God put here on earth
for my amusement, but...Copy !req
171. now I'm starting to think,Copy !req
172. if I could just spend one day
in their shoes,Copy !req
173. if I could just see the
challenges they face every day,Copy !req
174. maybe I wouldn't be so cold.Copy !req
175. I just want a chance
to change.Copy !req
176. Help me change?Copy !req
177. Oh, a-all right, sweetie.Copy !req
178. I-I'll take you tomorrow.Copy !req
179. Awesome.Copy !req
180. You did a great job
in the 500, Timmy.Copy !req
181. You're really imp-p-roving.Copy !req
182. Timmy!Copy !req
183. I think I've got a shot
at the goldCopy !req
184. in the swimming competition.Copy !req
185. Coach says I'm the fastest
he's ever seen.Copy !req
186. I'll see you bright and earlyCopy !req
187. for p-practice tomorrow,
Tim-Tim.Copy !req
188. Oh, hey, could you
hand me my bag?Copy !req
189. Timmy!Copy !req
190. T-Timmy?Copy !req
191. Oh, uh... so, hey, Timmy,Copy !req
192. h-how about we go out
for a d-doughnut later?Copy !req
193. I'll, uh,
I'll see you later, Tim-Tim.Copy !req
194. Timmy.Copy !req
195. Look, it's really none
of your b-b-b-beeswax, Timmy.Copy !req
196. Timmy.Copy !req
197. Timmy!Copy !req
198. Because maybe I don't have what
it takes to win w-without them!Copy !req
199. Timmy.Copy !req
200. Ti— T-Timmy.Copy !req
201. You — You aren't gonna
t-tell anybody, are you?Copy !req
202. Timmy!
T-Timmy!Copy !req
203. Look, it's my b-body, and it's
my choice what I put in it!Copy !req
204. Timmy.
Timmy, Jimmy!Copy !req
205. Ah, Timmy!
Jimmy!Copy !req
206. Don't lecture me on the
complexities of sportsmanship.Copy !req
207. You know as well as I do most
of the kids in Special OlympicsCopy !req
208. are shooting up to compete.Copy !req
209. I'm just trying to k-keep up.Copy !req
210. Huh.Copy !req
211. Timmy... Timmy.Copy !req
212. S-So, what are you gonna do now,
huh?Copy !req
213. You gonna be a fucking narc and
show that bottle to the coaches?Copy !req
214. Don't think you're any better
than me, Timmy!Copy !req
215. I'm just living
in the real world!Copy !req
216. Fuck!Copy !req
217. Timmy!Copy !req
218. Hyah!
Timmy!Copy !req
219. All right! Thirty yards, Timmy!
Keep it up!Copy !req
220. Aah, Timmy!
Liv-a-la!Copy !req
221. Hyah!Copy !req
222. Wow! Jimmy, I can't believe
how much you've improved!Copy !req
223. You're bigger and stronger
than I've ever seen you!Copy !req
224. Yeah. I've been working out
r-really hard.Copy !req
225. You keep going like this,Copy !req
226. and you'll break Special Olympic
records on Saturday!Copy !req
227. Okay. So this is all the stuff
we need to sign Michael in?Copy !req
228. Yep. Just take the sign-up sheet
to the next table,Copy !req
229. and they'll get it
all finalized.Copy !req
230. Thank you very much.Copy !req
231. Thank you.
Good luck, Michael!Copy !req
232. Thanks!Copy !req
233. Okay,
Next in line, please.Copy !req
234. Duhhhhh! Duhhhhh!Copy !req
235. Hello there.Copy !req
236. Hello.Copy !req
237. Um, I would like to sign
my son up, please.Copy !req
238. Duhhhhh!Copy !req
239. Oh, great.
What's his name?Copy !req
240. Eric Cartman.Copy !req
241. Cartman!Copy !req
242. Duhhhhh!Copy !req
243. Okay.
Age?Copy !req
244. He's 9.Copy !req
245. Okay.Copy !req
246. And what's his disability?Copy !req
247. Um, he's retarded.Copy !req
248. No. I'm asking what
his specific condition is —Copy !req
249. Down syndrome, cerebral palsy?Copy !req
250. Oh.
Oh, I'm not sure.Copy !req
251. Sweetie, what is your condition?Copy !req
252. How should I know?
I'm retarded.Copy !req
253. Duhhhhh!Copy !req
254. I'll just leave that blank
for now.Copy !req
255. Yeah.
B-bigger. S-Stronger.Copy !req
256. Oh, hi, Timmy.
Come on in.Copy !req
257. I understand you have
something importantCopy !req
258. you want to talk to me about,
m'kay.Copy !req
259. Timmy.Copy !req
260. Well, Timmy, as your counselor,Copy !req
261. I want you to know that you can
tell me anything, m'kay.Copy !req
262. And whatever is troubling you,
I want to try and —Copy !req
263. and help you with it.Copy !req
264. Timmy.Copy !req
265. M-M'kay. Right.
You're Timmy.Copy !req
266. Y-You have a problem?Copy !req
267. No, not Timmy!
Jimmy.Copy !req
268. J-Jimmy?Copy !req
269. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
270. Jimmy!Copy !req
271. Oh, Jimmy Valmer.
Oh, okay. What about him?Copy !req
272. Timmy!
Timmy, Jimmy!Copy !req
273. Here Jimmy.Copy !req
274. Timmy! Ti— Oh!
T-Timmy?Copy !req
275. Timmy?Copy !req
276. Jimmy!
Jimmy — Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.Copy !req
277. Timmy, Timmy!Copy !req
278. Jimmy.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Timmy!Copy !req
279. Timmy!Copy !req
280. Mmm'kay.Copy !req
281. I don't quite follow, Timmy.Copy !req
282. Jimmy...Copy !req
283. Right.
Jimmy Valmer.Copy !req
284. Ah, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jim—Copy !req
285. Thhh!Copy !req
286. Jimmy, Jimmy! Jimmy, Jimmy!Copy !req
287. Right.
He's Jimmy. Yeah.Copy !req
288. Aah!Copy !req
289. "How I Will Spend
My One Thousand Dollars,"Copy !req
290. by Eric Cartman.Copy !req
291. Enter.Copy !req
292. Cartman, I really,
really have a problemCopy !req
293. with what you're doing.Copy !req
294. I object to it morally,
and I find it grossly offensive.Copy !req
295. Go on, Kyle.Copy !req
296. I know that I often have
serious moral objectionsCopy !req
297. to the things that you do,
but...Copy !req
298. this time I think
you really need to reconsider.Copy !req
299. Because if you do this,
I believe you will go to hell.Copy !req
300. So I feel it is my
responsibility as your friendCopy !req
301. to tell people what you're doing
and to put a stop to it.Copy !req
302. Well, Kyle, I understand
where you're coming from,Copy !req
303. and I appreciate
your being so direct.Copy !req
304. Um, the thing is,
you really haveCopy !req
305. kind of a warped view on
morality because you're Jewish.Copy !req
306. Now, Kyle,
you haven't gone to seeCopy !req
307. Mel Gibson's film
"The Passion," but —Copy !req
308. I didn't come here to talk about
"The Passion," Cartman.Copy !req
309. Let me finish.Copy !req
310. If you had seen "The Passion,"
you would knowCopy !req
311. that hell is reserved
for the JewsCopy !req
312. and all those
who don't accept Christ.Copy !req
313. That being the case,
it is actually meCopy !req
314. who is worried about your soul.Copy !req
315. I came here to talk about you.Copy !req
316. Yes.Copy !req
317. And instead, you had
a breakthrough yourself.Copy !req
318. This is really the beginningCopy !req
319. of a whole new chapter
of your life, Kyle.Copy !req
320. Good luck.Copy !req
321. Come on.
Push it! Push it!Copy !req
322. Yeah.
Nice p-pecs.Copy !req
323. Sweet b-biceps.Copy !req
324. Jimmy, I thought we were meeting
at the doughnut shop.Copy !req
325. The games are in two days,
Nancy.Copy !req
326. I can't be w-wasting my time.Copy !req
327. I guess I didn't realize
I was a waste of time.Copy !req
328. Oh, Jesus. You gonna start
running your mouth off again?Copy !req
329. P-Push it.
Push it!Copy !req
330. Jimmy, everyone's worried
about you.Copy !req
331. You seem different.Copy !req
332. T-They're all just jealous.Copy !req
333. You're not the boy
I fell in love withCopy !req
334. last week during free period.Copy !req
335. I'm leaving you.Copy !req
336. You're not leaving me.Copy !req
337. You try to leave me,
and I'll kill you, bitch.Copy !req
338. You can't treat people
like this!Copy !req
339. I said shut your mouth, bitch!Copy !req
340. Why did you make me do it, huh?Copy !req
341. You're not leaving anybody!Copy !req
342. You just keep
your g-goddamn mouth shutCopy !req
343. and do as you're t-t-tol— told!Copy !req
344. Jimmy, what's the —
Jimmy!Copy !req
345. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, Jimmy!Copy !req
346. Stay away from me,
you stupid b-b-bitches!Copy !req
347. Welcome, everyone,
to the 2004 Special Olympics!Copy !req
348. We will be holding various
competitions throughout the day.Copy !req
349. And at the end of it all,Copy !req
350. we will have some very special
celebrity athletes hereCopy !req
351. to present the trophy
for top athlete,Copy !req
352. along with a cash prize
of $1,000.Copy !req
353. Top athlete.
Yeah.Copy !req
354. $1,000.
Yeah.Copy !req
355. So let's have
all our athletes reportCopy !req
356. to their first assigned events,
and... let the games begin!Copy !req
357. Will those athletes in
heat one of the 100-meter dashCopy !req
358. please report to track area B?Copy !req
359. Okay, racers.
Are we ready?Copy !req
360. Take your marks!Copy !req
361. Duhhh!
Duhhh!Copy !req
362. On your marks.
Get set.Copy !req
363. W-What the hell?Copy !req
364. Great job, everyone!Copy !req
365. You three advance
to the next heat.Copy !req
366. - All right!
- We did it!Copy !req
367. Yeah. I guess I —
guess I just have to kick assCopy !req
368. in the other events.Copy !req
369. Yeah!Copy !req
370. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
371. He's got it!Copy !req
372. That's a new Special Olympics
record, folks!Copy !req
373. Winner — Jimmy Valmer!Copy !req
374. All right. This one I can win.
Here. Hold this.Copy !req
375. I'll show you goddamn retards.Copy !req
376. God damn it!Copy !req
377. That's another
Special Olympics record!Copy !req
378. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
379. Yeah! I did it!
Yeah!Copy !req
380. Yeah!Copy !req
381. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
382. our day of competition
has come to an end,Copy !req
383. and we have an Ultimate
Grand Special Champion for 2004.Copy !req
384. Here to present the award
are baseball legendsCopy !req
385. Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi,
and Barry Bonds!Copy !req
386. The 2004 special athlete is...
Jimmy Valmer!Copy !req
387. Yeah!
Fuck, yeah!Copy !req
388. Yeah!
I did it!Copy !req
389. I'm the b-b-best!Copy !req
390. Congratulations, Jimmy.Copy !req
391. But we all know
that the Special OlympicsCopy !req
392. isn't just about winning,Copy !req
393. and so we will now give out
the Spirit AwardCopy !req
394. to the handicapped person
who came in very last —Copy !req
395. Eric Cartman!Copy !req
396. Aw, screw you, hippies!Copy !req
397. For winning the Spirit Award,Copy !req
398. Eric will receive this gift
certificate to Shakey's for $50!Copy !req
399. Come on up, Eric!Copy !req
400. I can go to Shakey's.Copy !req
401. Uh, duhhh!
Duhh!Copy !req
402. Dyee!
Dyeee! Deh!Copy !req
403. Hey! Just what the hell
do you think you're doing, Eric?Copy !req
404. Uh...
Uh, duh.Copy !req
405. You f-faked being handicapped
to win?Copy !req
406. I should k-kick your ass
right here,Copy !req
407. you lousy, no-good
ch-ch-cheater!Copy !req
408. Timmy.Copy !req
409. What?Copy !req
410. Timmy.Copy !req
411. Oh, my God.
Y-You're right, Timmy.Copy !req
412. You're totally right.Copy !req
413. Everyone, can I have
your attention, p-please?Copy !req
414. I'm afraid I have to give back
my medal.Copy !req
415. The truth is, I haven't
been playing fair either.Copy !req
416. I've been using s-s-steroids.Copy !req
417. I was willing to do anything
to be the best,Copy !req
418. and the steroids made me blind
to the people I was hurting.Copy !req
419. A good friend even tried
to talk me out of it,Copy !req
420. and I wouldn't listen to him.Copy !req
421. Timmy.Copy !req
422. Taking steroids is just like
pretending to be handicappedCopy !req
423. at the Special Olympics,Copy !req
424. because you're taking all
the fairness out of the game.Copy !req
425. But I know now that even
if you do win on steroids,Copy !req
426. you're really not a winner.Copy !req
427. You're just a p-pussy.Copy !req
428. You're just a big fat p-p-pussy.Copy !req
429. And if you take steroids,Copy !req
430. the only decent thing to do
is come forward and say,Copy !req
431. "Remove me from the record books
because I am a big stinkyCopy !req
432. p-pussy,
steroid-taking jackass."Copy !req
433. That's how I feel about myselfCopy !req
434. and why I must decline
this medalCopy !req
435. and my place
in the history books.Copy !req
436. And if you let me,Copy !req
437. I'll be back next year
to compete with honor.Copy !req
438. Hey, kid, good for you
for being honest.Copy !req
439. Well, guys, I guess now you see
what I was up to all along.Copy !req
440. I dressed up
like a handicapped personCopy !req
441. and lost the Special Olympics
on purposeCopy !req
442. so that Jimmy could learn
his lesson about steroids.Copy !req
443. G— Oh, yeah?Copy !req
444. Well —
Well, you guys are assholes!Copy !req
445. Grow up!Copy !req